Reconciliation

Update: 2016-12-163
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In a world that seems more divided than ever, how do we begin to find middle ground? This episode, TED speakers on how to look past anger, fear, and even violence to reconcile our differences.

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United States encouraged illegal voting it feels like it's getting harder to exchange ideas with people who disagree one person's fake news is that a person's news especially when we can't even agree on a common set of facts filed five is down the economy the way it is not down on the big city's violent crime is down the elections also her views of liberals of America and Europe and I see the Middle East and other pockets around the world they feel incredibly divided right now it feels like things aren't getting better at this moment had to even think about coming together about reconciling the just seems harder than ever to meet in the middle when there's so much conflict with the flow I think comfort is a good thing in conflict is part of life it's how things get done democracy is conflict the military the team might just be the guy we need right now he's a mediator to me the real question is not whether to get rid of conflict or not it's whether we can transform destructive forms of conflict to constructive forms of conflict like dialogue like democracy like cooperation the relic many consider to be the Bible on negotiation is called Getting to Yes and pretty much any major conflict around the world that's happened over the past forty years I worked on the Cold War or the Israeli Palestinian conflict Chechnya Yugoslavia in Northern bill has been involved as a negotiator for hire given all that stuff you've done when you look at where we are now in this place and time all the division that we are experiencing is this the worst the worst moment ever in your trains were in the most intense moment but I don't think we're at the most dangerous moment that most dangerous moment I believe was during the Cold War when at any moment someone in the Kremlin or the White House could decide today's the day there could be a crisis like the Cuban missile Crisis and he put all of life on this planet are brisk so yes conflict seems to be at an all time high but it is not the most dangerous moment and so it's messy but it's an opportunity for us to devise new forms of democratic participation new forms of negotiation new forms of conflict resolution so it's it's an enormously creative moment as well the the so far everyone has been conflicted about these times were living in the organ to seek some reconciliation on the show today and hear ideas about coming together how we can do it even when it feels impossible The The The The if this truly is a moment to reconcile as Bill Yuri suggests where to even start I've been asking myself the question here still on the Ted stage and I think I've found in some ways what is the secret to peace it's not easy but it's simple it's not even it's maybe are one of our most ancient human heritage is the secret to peace is us it's us who act as the community around any conflict who can play a constructive role because if you think about it normally when we think of conflict when we describe it there's always two sides you know it's Arabs or Israelis labor versus management wife Republicans as Democrats but we don't often see is that there's always a third side and the third side of the conflict is us it's the surrounding community it's the friends the allies the family and we complain incredibly constructive role the the in everyone can play that role if you care about not just about winning your point that you care about the whole hear about the community you care about the longer term relationships you care about the strength of our democracy then you're a third cider here you care about the home had to actually resolve conflict when when people on both sides feel like they are the ones who care about the whole what you do is you listen behind the positions of people are taking positions on immigration I once thought build a wall that's a position you know I want to allow immigration that's a position to understand what are the underlying interests in other words what are the underlying fears or concerns so you'd you'd hear well I'm concerned I might lose a job if someone else takes my job I'm concerned about safety and then you say OK how can we address those underlying concerns then were on both on the same side of the table facing the problem were attacking the problem jointly rather than attacking each other and that's the key is that reframe from adversarial confrontation to side by side hard headed joint problems of women were involved in conflict it's very easy to lose perspective the third side us that the third side helps us go to the balcony which is a metaphor for a place of perspective we can keep our eyes on the prize me tell you a little story for my experience some years ago I was involved as a facilitator in some very tough talks between the Russia and the leaders of Chechnya there is a war going on as you know in the talks got off to a rather rocky start when the vice president of Chechnya began pointing at the Russians and said You should stay right here in your seats because on trial for war crimes than anyone on any turned to me and said You're American look at what you Americans are doing in Puerto Rico and my mind racing Puerto Rico to know about perjury collapsed under reacting the But then I tried to remember to go to the balcony and then when he paused and everyone looked at me for response from the balcony perspective I was able to thank him for his remarks and say I appreciate your criticism of my country may take it as a sign friends and can speak candidly and what we're here to do as much talk about pretty record the past for her to do just see if we can figure out to stop the suffering in the bloodshed in Chechnya the conversation got back on track the that's the role of the third side is to help the parties go to the balcony the in the mood in the room and it seems to me like a big source of complex human ego isn't fair it is fair human ego is basically defensiveness against being threatened this is the crazy thing about our human species that peace is harder than war we have we have evolved into a place for Mabel are always like this range is wired into us that war fighting is just easier to see easier default than actually resolving something it is it's true peace is harder than War and the fact that we're still all live here is because our ancestors got good at this because we have this birthright of the third side of the community coming in and saying we can find a way through this and any human beings were hardwired for cooperation that's why we have language I were able to speak is because we learn to cooperate in order to deal with our differences so yes it's hard but were also given the tools of being able to communicate with each other being able to listen to each other that allow us to work through these differences can tell when looking around at what's happening after the election and the US or elections a broader conflicts it seems that most people's values are being deeply challenged and is making people less willing to reconcile this is hard stuff guy yet all I can say is having traveled the world been the most difficult conflicts around the planet for the last forty years I've seen nothing yet that persuades me that it's not possible for human beings to do this work so many conflicts right now are between people feeling excluded you know people are feeling excluded from the process of globalization excluded from the modern economy the whole challenge now is how do we include how do we even include those who would exclude that's the challenge but it's possible the the the military he's the coauthor of Getting to Yes boxes full of cock head back out on the show today from conflict to reconciliation how people with different views with different experience is even different backgrounds just might be able to come together so that their Cisco live and work and services go this is Jade events held the belief he might not all know at that age were talking about my age is an awkward gets on thirty two at JB actually has a GED he earned a Yale Law School and today he's a technology investor that's right it's a pressing challenge was any liquid with a normal day for you will sue my sin today is that my wife and I wake up the other typically will get a coffee and then in all driving to work in the Presidio close the Golden Gate Bridge and have a really great view of it from our office so going to work around eight thirty to nine thirty in oso my things in the day by now trying to think about which companies are worth investing in which J B represents a certain group of people I represent the same worldview very elite as you said cultural elite my point is that we're talking by definition about elites elites race the coastal urban have touch back C J D grew up poor curious from the Ted stage despite all outward appearances I'm a cultural outsider I came from southern Ohio steel town it's a town that's really struggling a lot of ways the ways that are indicative of the broader struggles of America's working class hair was moved and killing a lot of people people I know family violence domestic violence and divorce is torn apart families the addiction that plagues my community also please my family and even sadly my own mom there's a very unique sense of pessimism that's moved in since the kids had their choices didn't matter no matter what happens no matter how hard they worked or how hard they tried to get ahead nothing good would happen even if you don't give in to hopelessness it's sometimes hard to even know what those choices are when you grow to a community like I did if you would look to my life when I was fourteen years old and said What's going to happen to this kitty was concluded that I would have struggled with what academics call upward mobility in the south and happily show in southern Ohio it's very unlikely that kids like that will rise the American dream in those parts of the country is in a very real sense just a dream the only comeback Katie Vance and some ideas that have the two different America is that he's lived n might actually figure out a way to talk to each other and Guy rising listening to the Ted Radio Hour from NPR the are to table I just quit thanks to to our sponsors who helped make this podcast possible first two smartphone maker one plus and a new one plus freaky it has more of everything you need at your fingertips industry leading processor speeds sixteen megapixel front and rear facing cameras up to eight hundred and twenty eight gigabytes of storage and a premium all metal build plus the one plus three T has dashed charge an exclusive technology that sets a new benchmark in charging speech a quick half hour we'll give you a full day's worth of battery life available without a carrier contract at one plus dot net Thanks also to the Amazon Original Series The Man In The High Castle show imagines a world with the allies lost World War Two America is ruled by Nazi Germany and imperialist Japan but revelations in secret prophetic films prove that our future belongs to those who change based on the award winning book by Philip K Dick executive produced by Ridley Scott and winner of two Emmy Awards you can stream the right now on Amazon Prime Video eight before we get back to the show did you know that the founder of Patagonia has slowed down the company's growth because he doesn't actually care about profit or that Mark Cuban actually helped write the code that made Internet broadcasting possible or that in the early days Angie from Angie's List use to man the customer service line by herself well if you like this show you love another program I host it's called How I built this and it's a show of that amazing persistence grit and inspiration subscribe to How I built this by visiting NPR got org slash podcasts through iTunes or however you get your podcasts the it's the Ted Radio Hour from NPR guy rise and I'm sure today ideas about moving from conflicts to reconciliation and we're just hearing from Jody Vance he grew up in Middletown Ohio but now works as an investment banker in San Francisco in JB says reconciling these two worlds starts with understanding how one side sees the other what's so weird about living in San Francisco is how virtually everyone here seems to think that their lives are going to be better ten years from now than they are right now that sort of there's this sense of constant and continual improvement I think it places like Middletown there's this sense of instability that you know a lot of folks live paycheck to paycheck a lot of people even those who are employed are worried that they will be employed a few years from now there's a very real sense that the folks on the coast wield a remarkable amount of financial and political power and they wield that political financial power in combination with a certain condescension to the way that we live our lives I wonder how you kill you even begin to bridge that divide have even had even opened up a conversation oh well at a person to person level I think that there's always something to be said for having some empathy for the folks who really really disagree with you about a given topic so the frame it up put on this for example was that for a lot of folks back home who voted for Trump who are excited about the prospect of a Trump candidacy it's really important for them to recognize why they're so many millions of Americans who are just upset about the prospect of a Trump presidency but are actually afraid let's be frank about the fact that there are millions of people who felt that Trump's rhetoric directly threatened them and their families in the flip side of it is that if we can recognize that a lot of the people who voted for Trump are not racist in fact don't even like a lot of the rhetoric that came out of trouble during the campaign but they voted for him because he represented a change from a very very problematic status quo then look at that expression of empathy I think again opens up some some angles to have a more productive conversation the JD knows that for so many of the people he grew up around in Ohio the eyes of a better life are great which is why JD had to move away to find that better life the graduate from high school from college to law school I have a pretty good job now so what happened one thing that happened is that my grandparents provided me a stable home stable family they made sure that when my parents were able to do the things that kids need they stepped in and fill that role but a lot of children are going to have that good fortune I think that Rees is really important questions for all of us about how we're going to change that we need to ask questions about how we're going to give low income kids who come from a broken home access to a loving home he'd ask questions about how we give social capital mentorship to low income kids who don't have it we need to think about how we teach working class children about not just hard skills like reading mathematics but also soft skills like conflict resolution in financial management now I don't have all the answers I don't know all the solutions to this problem but I do know this the Southern Ohio right now there's a kid who has no hope for the future but desperately wants to live a better life just want somebody to show it to them The hour or two think that's the key to care for for people to just just by recognizing that someone on the other side is feeling some sort of despair yeah I think that's definitely the first part of any reconciliation that has to happen I mean that said empathy is really hard to have in a vacuum and so when I think of why are we having a conversation that is so un empathetic why is it so hard for one side of our political divide even understand the concerns of the other side of our political divide I think a very big problem is that we have these two groups of people who don't see each other that much they don't talk to each other that much they don't spend a whole lot of time around each other we are so isolated in our own in our own little geography is it's pretty hard to understand where that someone else is coming from and so I think that we have to really think about what that means is a country and frankly whether this segregation that we have is durable over the long run my answer is is that it's probably not that something has to give the bird attempt to make this happen to reconcile that burden fall on the so called elites the people who are more powerful no I think the burden falls on everyone but I do think that it starts its hops of the burden is heaviest on our political leaders the burden is next heaviest on our media leaders those who have a public platform whether it's it's you or whether it's Rush Limbaugh I mean I think that has to go in both directions but I absolutely think that we have to recognize that there's a role for individual people on the ground in making this problem better by all means the coastal elites have to do better but I'm also a community area Nana tribal it's about these things and I'm not gonna let my own people off the hook even if they don't have a radio show or column of the New York types but I mean here you are right knee you are essentially a coastal elite in me that have come from that but that you became that because you were educated and in your now and investment banker and your child if you have one isn't going to be from Middletown Ohio training your kid is going to be a SAHM for Cisco Kid so how do we begin to create those those interactions of spaces in those places where those conversations can happen when they were clearly obviously sorting ourselves out it's interesting the US that at this stage in my life because my wife and I are actively planning to move back to Ohio I'd take to heart this view that we can't continue to have the sorting out as you said that it's not good for people that's not good for the country it's not good for society over the long term so you know I don't know that this is a mass solution to the problem obviously because I'm one person but it's probably a good thing for folks who go to access elite universities who have pretty good job prospects folks like me have to feel a little indebted to the communities that they came from if they do I think will start to see a little bit more of a geographic integration of the country because people start to think you know what I know that place something and I should return to in one form or another the advance wrote a book about his experience called hillbilly elegy memoir of Family and Culture in Crisis you can see his entire cock dot com or on Today Show From conflict to reconciliation ideas about coming together when it all seems so impossible the Tuesday likely do I love what I do this is Suzanne Derek at Kearney Family Medicine resident physician at University of California San Francisco and light she said she loves her job I live for my patients they inspired me to be kind and compassionate and understanding of our differences and differences between Suzanne and her patience is that shoes and wears a headscarf because she's Muslim and most the time she even forgets that she looks different at all but there are times when patients refuse to shake my hand and refused treatment by me because of my face I get cussed at or or I've had patients literally L at me in front of my aunt endings and nursing staff and other patients without anyone saying a word and for the longest time my approach was to smile and assure them that my only interest is in seeing them feel better but a few years ago it became much much harder for shoes and and just smile and keep quiet because something horrific happened at work but to Suzanne's family and just a warning if you're listening with kids you want to turn down the volume for this next part my baby brother has waived her baby sister in their home in Chapel Hill because of their faith in an instant I realized that smiling wasn't going to do it anymore and I have to speak up because no one else was going to do it for me than recounts the story of her twenty three year old brother de aire y fue ser and her sister is an on the Ted stage investigation autopsy reports revealed the sequence of events had just gotten off the bus from class was and was visiting for dinner ready at home with you said as I begin to eat they heard a knock on the door Wendy opened at their neighbor proceeded to fire multiple shots at him according to nine when one calls the girls were heard screaming the man turned towards the kitchen and fired a single shot into users have mobilizing her he then approached her from behind pressed the barrel of his gun against her head in with a single bullet last traded her mint green he then turned towards us and who was screaming for her life and execution style with the single bullet to the back of the head killed on his way out he shot the one last time a bullet in the mouth for a total of eight bullets lodged in the head to his chest and the rest of his extremities the Liu said Anders and were executed in a place that was meant to be safe their home for months this man had been harassing them knocking on their door brandishing his gun and a couple of occasions his Facebook was cluttered with anti religion posts use a felt particularly threatened by him she was moving in he told you said and her mom that he didn't like the way they looked in response he says mom told her to be kind to her neighbor as he got to know them he'd see them for who they were I guess we've all become so numb to the hatred that we could've ever imagined it turning into fatal violence the man who murdered my brother turned himself into police shortly after the murders saying he killed three kids execution style over a parking dispute the police issued a premature public statement that morning echoing his claims bothering to question her further investigate it turns out there was no parking dispute they were murdered by their neighbor because of their face because of a piece of coffee chose to don their heads because they were visibly Muslim them just want to say that term I'm I'm really sorry I'm so sorry bout what happened I don't even know what to say thank you to think it's appropriate to not have words to say something like that they appreciate that you know I don't I don't want to ask you about about those days I don't know ask you to relive those moments because I imagine it so hard to talk about think UK but will ask you about Suzanne is this moment that we're living in you know this does the anger and conflict hatred seems to be so prevalent not just hear us but the all around the world what do you think is driving that I think a big part of is instigating fear the fear is one of the most powerful human emotions known to mankind we as humans fear the unknown and when we have candidates running their platforms on bigotry hatred and racism and xenophobia and then you're fueling hatred and create a very dangerous place in society for all people so let's assume Suzanne you know that there's a portion of people in the US and around the world that is cuddling which appeals to you to hold views that would be hurtful to Muslims and having gone through everything you've been through with your family would you even be willing to to sit down and talk to have like to have a dialogue with some of these people into everyday is a doctor you known me you absolutely have to mean this is life and we have to find ways to communicate with other people who don't always agree with us all the time and I keep coming back to my work as a physician because I feel like for me at least it has taught me so many skills of communicating to find our common ground to better be able to speak to one another instead of on top of one another had we begin to as a culture to move toward regular dialogue how would we how do we do that I think it starts by having conversations like going you and I are having and the first thing to realize and and just to accept is that as human beings we all carry an implicit biases I don't care who you are accepting you think you may be firm and then once were aware of it were better able to tackle it and move forward without understanding
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Reconciliation

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