Talking Like A Teen

When I suggested to Adrian that we should once again turn our shared suffering into Capital-C Content and talk about Mass Effect: Andromeda, we had the normal boring calendar convos that come with any adult trying to interface with another adult in Late Stage Capitalism. We scheduled a record time like normal. Didn’t expect it to go for almost five hours. Boy, were our faces tired after we were done. (Get it? Like the meme?) This line bothers me, rough facial animations aside because this is not a thing. It’s not a colloquialism. It’s a weird line that I don’t understand. In a dialogue-heavy video game like this, where tens of thousands of lines, not every line is a winner for sure, but I just keep thinking about it. Is it supposed to be exhausted rambling? A bad joke, referencing something Ryder says earlier in the conversation? A metaphor for masking or maybe professionalism? Does it matter what I think? Maybe it’s a good line and brainface is tired. Maybe now the five hour record time makes a bit more sense. There’s just a lot here to unpack. So. Enjoy the first part of our face-tiring journey.

Hi! Hello! So originally I was gonna write a version of the song from “We’re Back: A Dinosaur Story” but like…the vast majority of you don’t know that song or probably that movie. John Goodman sings. It’s a whole thing. But the kids today have their Dreamworks and their Disneys and before Dreamworks was riding high on money made from Shrek memes and people paying to not see that Will Smith fish face ever again, those animators worked for Amblin Entertainment making, among other things, this absolutely wild animated movie about dinosaurs and museums and bluebirds and a guy (spoilers) being EATEN ALIVE BY CROWS IN A CHILDREN’S MOVIE. The kids in the movie are wild–one is this little tough guy who sounds like an extra in the “Bing Bong” tiktok (I’ll link it below) and the other kid is just Daisy Buchanan voiced by Lisa Simpson (no, it’s the same voice actor and I just spend the entire movie waiting for her to start screaming at Bing Bong to quit it). Julia Child voices a scientist named Dr. Bleeb (I don’t know why but this last name sends literal shivers down my spine) and Jay Leno voices an alien and John Goodman as a dinosaur keeps doing this impression of a scientist who is voiced by Walter Cronkite and it’s all like…very well done but totally unhinged? Not to mention the plot of this thing which is Gwen Stefani levels of bananas and the more I talk about this more this might actually be an episode, so...forget that you read this because I might reuse these jokes. Anyway, “We’re Back: A Dinosaur Story” is a cinematic masterpiece and this episode is also a masterpiece and a celebration of two dinosaurs coming back from the dead to…um…go to the Museum of Natural History. (So sue me, the metaphor isn’t 1:1.)

It’s End-Of-Year playlist tiiiiiiime! I almost just sent this, but I feel like Adrian might be mad. So. Let’s empty my brain,shall we? Right now it’s just Stardew Valley and “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out”, so…let’s do a Stardew 12 days of Christmas. I got this: For the Feast of the Winter Star, my true love sent to me / Twelve marriage candidates / Eleven potluck soup ingredients / Ten triple espressos consumed / Nine moonlight jellies / Eight friendship hearts / Seven spicy eels while mining / Six hidden colored eggs / Five ancient fruit seeds / Four singing mermaids / Three blue chickens / Two dino eggs / And a golden pumpkin for spirit’s eve

On this episode of Talking Like A Teen, we are literally rushing back into our past to check out an episode of Adrian Has Issues from 2018, a year before this podcast would debut, to hear its proto beginnings. The kernel of this show is present here: snotty music chatter, crabbing about how the NHL is terrible and yet we love it, shit talking and general…us…ness. It’s a fun look back. But as this episode is being released around Thanksgiving, this episode did make me thankful for a few things that have changed since 2018: 1) I bought a podcasting mic and no longer just shout in the general direction of my laptop. 2) The Blackhawks are bad now and the NHL isn’t actively using Patrick Kane’s dumb face to try to sell professional hockey. 3) I’d love to say that Kid Rock has shown any sort of growth or remorse since this, but I don’t think he has, so…I’m thankful I blocked him on twitter? 4) You. Yes, you. Thanks for listening and reading these goober descriptions. <3

On this special episode of Conversing with an Adult, Ashley and Adrian come together to celebrate the most holy of TLAT holidays: N7 Day! They pulled out a Prothean relic from Adrian’s podcast “Adrian Has Issues” – an interview they did a couple of years ago with Mass Effect protagonist FemShep voice actor Jennifer Hale! Jennifer Hale talks about recording her first audiobook, making music, and the importance of voting in our current political hellscape. (Midterms are this week, so the message still stands–go vote, if you’re able.) So, respectfully, please check out the episode. This One hopes you enjoy it!

I had like three really grandiose plans for this write up that I banged my head against for awhile before giving up and well…here we are, another one of these stream of consciousness write ups again because none of those really panned out. So, essentially, on this episode of Talking Like A Teen, we tasked ourselves with building Halloween inspired playlists that we exchanged. We analyzed them, we had some laughs, made some references, all that. It’s a good one. Better than this write up. I promise I’m not being lazy. I think I used all my brain power on the last one. (which is a masterpiece, if I may say so myself. Am I allowed to say that? Welp. I’ve already said it, so….) So, I guess in closing, this episode is great and you should listen to it, no matter how lame the write up is.

[To the tune of “Belle” from Disney’s Beauty And The Beast] Little town, a spooky French village Every day like the one before Little town, full of little monsters Waking up to say Boo-jour! Boo-jour! Boo-jour! Boo-jour! Boo-jour! There goes the vampire with his tray like always The same old bloody treats to sell Every morning just the same Since the morning that we came To this grim, spine-chilling town Grim Mourning, Ban-shee! Grim mourning, Monsieur Goblín Have you lost something again? Well, I believe I have Problem is, I, I can't remember what Oh well, I'm sure it'll come to me Where are you off to? To return this book to Père WhereWolf? It's about two zombies in fair Verona Sounds mind-numbing Look there she goes, that girl is eerie, no question Ghastly and gruesome, can't you tell? Never part of any crowd Left her head up on some cloud No denying she's a ghouly girl, Ban-shee Boo-jour! Grim day! How is your family? Boo-jour! Grim day! How is your wife?I need six brains! That's too expensive! There must be more than this shuddersome life! (We’re talking about Nightmare Before Christmas. Enjoy it!)

(ALERT: THIS EPISODE CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR THE MASS EFFECT FRANCHISE.) I spent the afternoon at my friends’ kid’s birthday party and spent most of my time trying to think of what to do for this write up while no one talked to me (probably because I was staring off into space thinking about this write up. I’m sure that’s not welcoming.) The obvious “rewrite ‘Midnight Train to Georgia’ about Mass Effect” was right there, but I’ve been rewriting a lot of songs lately and I don’t want that to get stale. I saw a hilarious McDLT commercial earlier this week where Jason Alexander (yes, that one) sings and dances about how this giant container that now fills many-a landfill keeps the tomato and lettuce cold and the patty hot, and while it brought me much joy, I didn’t feel like re-writing a bonkers burger ad. I thought about sprinkling the write up with lots of 30 Rock references, but I’m like 97% sure I’ve already done that. Which left me with two options: A) Just summarize the episode and sprinkle in some dumb jokes or B) let you all glimpse into my head for an afternoon and see that I actually do take this seriously. I guess you can figure out which option I chose. Anyway. Um. My dinner just arrived (I ordered takeout because I couldn’t get groceries on account of said birthday party) so…I’m going to go eat poke and watch Top Chef. This episode is about BioWare stuff, RPGS, JRPGs and The Dark Knight Rises. I sing. Adrian does impressions. It’s a good one. Enjoy it.

(DISCLAIMER: This is not an endorsement of an actual currency, crypto or otherwise. In fact, quite the opposite, as money is stupid and only real because we as a society pretend it has value. The following, at its core, is me taking a joke made on this episode too far, as per usual. This is the second half of the Minivan Rock episode. Link to the list is below. Enjoy the madness.)  [To the tune of “Click, Click Boom” by Saliva] C'mon, c'mon! C'mon, c'mon! All those Saturdays when bros go out and play Yo, I was up in my room, I was on the blockchain Wasn't faded, not jaded, just a lad With a mouse and a screen and virtual financial cravings All this, I seek, I find I push my hard drive to the line Make it, take it, right click it Until my token’s overrated! Click, click, coin! I'm coming down for your bitcoin, bro this ain’t no tangible note Click, click, coin! I'm mining down for that new style and you know it's Centralised Click, click, coin! Digital money movement, touring 'round the nation Leaving the boys in devastation (HODL!)

Who has no eyes, nose or mouth? Who wears Vans when they lumber about? They do, They do! Who stands six Nerf Blasters Tall? Who manifested Gritty’s downfall? They do, They do! Who unleashes play in you? Who shoots darts from their sea-doo ? They do, They do! Who wants you to touch some grass? Who wields a gun with maximum sass? They do, They do!

On this episode of Talking Like A Teen, unlike previous ones, this one is about…nothing. Like a Seinfield episode, I guess? Only with less New York references. If you ever wondered what a casual non-podcast conversation between the two of us sounds like, here it is, in its mildly edited glory. It’s two elder millennials having a couple of adult beverages, decompressing from the bowels of living in this late-stage capitalist hellscape by talking about stuff like concerts, Beach House, and greasy Chinese food. So….yeah. Sorry. Not all of the episodes are as easy to sum up as the ones about Power Rangers movies, amirite? But it’s still a good time, promise. I should make another Seinfield reference to tie this bad boy up. Um….something something puffy shirt. There. Nailed it.

Katherine and Tanya, ooh, I wanna take ya There’s Adam and Tommy, Rocky’s got head trauma Kimberly and Jason (Baby Justin please stay home) In the next dimension There's a place with Maligor That's where you wanna go to get away from it all Dead bodies in the sand, spewing lava melting off your hand We'll be running away from the possessed drum band Down with Maligor Katherine and Tanya, ooh, I wanna take ya There’s Adam and Tommy, Rocky’s got head trauma Kimberly and Jason (Baby Justin please stay home) (Ooh I wanna take you down with Maligor) We'll run away fast and then your brain thinks slow That's where we wanna go Way down with Maligor Ghost Galleon, that ghostly ship mystique We'll put out to sea and we'll stall the movie With Karate, we'll defy a little bit of gravity There’s a submarine, Space pirates and moonlit nights That dreamy look in your eye, Elgar gave your mind contact high Way down with Maligor

Network Executive: “We at the network want a Power Rangers movie with attitude. It’s edgy. It’s in your face. You've heard the expression "Shift Into Turbo." Well, this is a movie that gets "Tur-Booo." Consistently and thoroughly. Oh, God, yes. We're talking about a totally outrageously creepy puppet. We’re talking about vehicles with the power and velocity of turbo technology.” Writer: “Excuse me, but "Turbo" and "Velocity"- aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important? Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that. I'm fired, aren't I?” Network Executive: “Oh, yes. The rest of you writers start thinking up a name for this funky movie. I don't know. Something along the lines of, say, Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie. Only more proactive. Yeah!” (In case my Simpsons reference was confusing, this is the first part of our discussion of Turbo: A Power Rangers movie. Enjoy it.)

People can smell it a mile away. It’s real. Garlic. Molasses. Onions. Spices. You can come to a million of his barbecues and you’ll never see him mess with no dressed-up ketchup. No. Way. He needs the REAL stuff. So come on over to Bilkins’ house for some KC Masterpiece. Anything else just isn’t barbecue fit for your family. On this episode of Talking like a Teen, Adrian and Ashley take a break from helping man the grill to finish up their discussion on the fourth installation of the Fast & Furious franchise. They dive into character arc conversations, this movie’s place within the franchise, and these movies’ ability to find the sweet and tangy spot between grounded reality and silly action movies. So. Grab some beers (you can have any kind you want, as long as it’s a Corona), say grace, and let’s grub. Family. (and don’t forget to try Bilkins’ new sauces: Honey Smoke and Roasted Garlic Herb.)

Sometimes podcasting is recording something two years ago, technology ruining it, and then you forget to re-record it until you schedule a time to record with your podcast partner two years later, and neither of you really prepped to talk about your original topic, so you flail around until one of you stumbles upon a google document from the past. So the timeline makes about as much sense as the Fast and Furious timeline. (wink) So on this episode of Talking Like A Teen, Adrian and Ashley close a time loop and begin their discussion of Fast & Furious (Fast 4). They talk about the short-changing of Letty’s character, Dom’s heel turn into full “Renegade Shepard,” the evolution of Paul Walker’s hair, and Ashley’s instinct to ask all of the other characters where Han is whenever he’s not on-screen. Stay tuned for Part 2!

On this episode of Talking Like A Teen, Adrian blindsided Ashley with our topic for the evening: Weezer. They go through Weezer’s discography and history, while also trying to navigate Rivers Cuomo’s progression from Indie Rock Darling to Karaoke Bar Annoyance. While trying to make their way on this weird road trip, they find their way to some weird tourist traps like World’s Biggest Snake on a Plane, a corn maze of Bette Midler’s face, and Metallica World. So get your Bugles and trail mix and make sure your bag is packed for this weird TLAT adventure.

On this episode of Talking Like A Teen, Ashley & Adrian tackle yet another set of year-end playlists. We discuss that despite the world being a metaphorical dumpster on fire, new releases this year were numerous and great. We go through our favorite hipster nonsense, rock gods, music TikTok tried to ruin, hip-hop, video game jams, and Garbage <3. We also filled our yearly Hockey Talk quota, as we mark the retirement of Ben Bishop (good job us, now we get to keep our hockey tag for another year.) We talked a bit about the podcast at large and hinted at some stuff to come. We appreciate each and every one of you that have taken time to spend time with us and we hope 2022 is…a year? Like…a year that maybe doesn’t have something worse than murder hornets and paninis? *shrug*

On this episode of Talking Like A Teen, Ashley and Adrian celebrate the release of Lil Nas X’s debut album Montero. They discuss some of the initial reactions and favorites, as well as The Dreaded Discourse around a talented musician trying to have fun while putting themselves through the dregs of self promotion. (Not that we’re biased on our opinions or anything.) Theyalso dip their toes into game show hosting territory as they quiz each other on some of the mostridiculously long song titles. They also debut a new segment from a long-time TLAT correspondent. There, write up. I did it. Yay me. :D

On this episode of Talking Like A Teen, Ashley & Adrian have stone-facedly lumbered from the Non-Podcasting Swamp, carrying our oil lamps and walking verrrrrrrrry slowly as we do our best Bray Wyatt impressions. (The video’s below, it’ll make sense, I promise.) We each sit down in our rocking chairs and then the stage lights come up and we begin to discuss the soundtrack for Scream 2 (1997), because it’s spooooooky season and that’s how we do things. We talk about the construction of movie soundtracks in the 90s, the Scream franchise and its impact on meta media, and how odd 90s movie tie-in music videos are. We do a deep dive into Sugar Ray, Tonic, Master P, and the Aummer of Ska before taking a quick trip to the mall. We also found the REAL Zodiac Killer. You’re welcome. Anyway. Um. We’re back baybeeeeeeee!

This week we low-key introduced our mini-episode series entitled Conversing With An Adult. Ashley takes a brief moment to give listeners a heads up with what we've been up to plus get a little real about burnout and content creation. Thank you for sticking with us. It means more than you'll ever know.