Claim OwnershipNew Wizards
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Does Hogwarts accept adults? Join Josh as he reads Harry Potter for the first time with the guidance of his co-host and patronus Aaron. Discover or re-visit all seven books through the eyes of some grown nerds.
64 Episodes
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Do you remember when Harry Potter first took the world by storm? Aaron and Josh discuss their memories of Pottermania, and their different tastes in literature as children. Josh then shares some of his previous knowledge of the Potterverse, some spoilers he inadvertently caught (SPOILER WARNING), and his burning questions before diving in for the very first time…
We start our adventure with some loveable folks: the Dursleys. Could they be the most beautiful, tragic characters in the Western canon? (Absolutely.) We also discuss the complex tension between the Muggle and wizarding worlds, the spooky Mr. Ollivander, and the memorable Sorting Hat scene.
We finally get to discuss the main subject of all seven books: the Weasleys, and their lust for violence. We also learn more about our new sorta-friend Hermoine, and quidditch, the Worst Game in History. Oh, and the book ends, too.
Josh takes his Pottermore quizzes to learn his wand, Patronus, and House! And just what *is* a House, anyway? Aaron and Josh take a close look at Houses Gryffindor, Slytherin, and… those other two.
The wizards are joined by noted ~dark fiction~ writer and close personal friend Mel Kassel (@melkassel) to discuss the first part of book two! We touch upon wizard inequality, wizard racism, magical hominids of all kinds, and everyone’s wizard bae Gilderoy Lockhart.
SPOILER ALERT: Josh spoils himself (...?) about the book’s ending. The wizards parcel out some Parseltongue takes, explore just how badly Hagrid deserves to be fired, and most importantly, discuss the noble savagery of the Weasley car.
The wizards spelunk into the titular chamber, and reflect on this fearsome and satisfying book as a whole. Under the crunchy shell of this extremely metal ending lies the sweet, chewy nougat of some interesting character development. Snake guts, too.
The wizards have made it to the third (and most beloved?) book, and they’re already on a tear. Harry gets roasted. Percy gets roasted. Neville gets roasted. Some innocent Muggles got roasted. Is no one safe?
A knife-wielding lunatic is busting into our bedrooms, but all the teachers are sleeping face emoji. Secrets are kept, then not kept. Scabbers… dies??? The Marauder’s Map makes its first appearance, and the dot representing Josh can be seen losing its mind.
We’re joined by our friend, Dungeons & Dragons squadmate, and senior Jezebel editor Madeleine Davies in this two-part episode! We touch on her history with the books, the world of HP fan fiction as it first developed, and solid evidence of some bad Gryffindors.
Join us for part two of our chat with Maddie. We’ll get into the Marauders of old, Snape’s whole deal, and most importantly: is Ron… actually lame???
In discussing timeturners, we come even closer to making the entire podcast about the 2004 indie thriller “Primer.” We take a close look at how Dumbledore acts when shit’s going down, consider why Snape is such an emo wreck, and wonder: what would Josh and Aaron’s Marauder names be?
The new wizards quaff deeply from the goblet with a big chunk of action-packed reading. We consider the first chapter’s creepy departure from the HP formula, see the Ministry in action, and then go really deep on language theory? Bear with us here.
We're making a demand here, folks: Hagrid must fuck. We discuss Mad-Eye's methods, and that awesome class scene, including Neville’s freak-out. And can institutional slavery stand up to Hermoine's bake sale?
We consider how a Ron-less Harry deals with being the most love-hated child on Earth… again. Is Rita Skeeter’s handbag real, or a knockoff? And we discuss how we would have completed the first task. Is bonking still on the menu?
Is Ludo Bagman wearing a wire during his meeting with the Goblin Mafia? We take a terrible look at the mind-rending anxieties around school dances. Has Ron hit rock bottom? Will Hermoine kill and eat a house elf now that she’s cool?
The second task is complete, but no one seems bothered that Dumbledore and the merfolk chieftain are clearly sleeping together. Josh goes deep on some Crouch theorems, and debunks some of the lies in the mainstream media. A child is mailed death threats with biohazardous contaminants in a school cafeteria.
We binge on three episodes of Law & Order: Muggle Victims Unit, featuring a cameo by David Schwimmer. Fred and George are good boys who would never do a crime. And when Dumbledore invited the Sphinx to “speak at a conference,” do you think he mentioned the maze like at all?
Some cool stuff happens in a nice graveyard, and no one gets hurt. The New Wizards have PhDs in magic linguistics now, I guess. And we consider whether Voldemort would have turned out this evil if people were more accepting of his cosplay. He learned to sew for this!
We finally uncover the mystery, if you can call it that. Sirius can’t help himself and starts licking children’s open wounds in the hospital wing. And we consider Rita Skeeter’s steady diet of aphids. Would Professor Sprout have thanked her for her services?
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This is my favorite podcast and the only one I actually follow week-to-week. You guys are hilarious!