The Save The Marriage Podcast

For awhile, I have been answering listener-submitted questions, and continue to do so in this episode (if YOU want to ask a question, send it to podcast@savethemarriage.com). This week, I respond to a couple of questions about a spouse's indifference and/or resistance to attempts at connection. It can be frustrating when you so desperately want to rebuild a marriage.  Maybe your spouse claims to want the same.  Maybe your spouse just doesn't respond much at all.  A little conversation... that goes nowhere.  Or attempts at conversation... that go nowhere.  It can feel frustrating and defeating. How should you understand the situation? What can you do about it? Can you make progress? We discuss these questions (and more) in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES 3 Step Process 3 C's of Doing It Importance of Connection When Spouse Can't See A Way Resentment and Anger Save The Marriage System The Connection Compass

Where could your efforts fail? Those are the failpoints. They can trip you up and make you think nothing will work in your efforts. But let me be clear.  They are potential failpoints. They are not inevitable. Failpoints, in engineering, is caused by stress on a particular point. In machines, a particular piece is stressed long enough that it finally gives. It breaks. In marriage, there are also potential failpoints -- caused by stressors on different points in the relationship. In this episode, I cover the three big failpoints that you face in your efforts... along with me talking about how to avoid the failpoints.   RELATED RESOURCES My new resource, The Connection Compass My Save The Marriage System Podcast episode: 3 Reasons Your Efforts May Fail Podcast Episode: 4 Failing Fears

When I started this podcast over 10 years ago, I wondered how far we would go. Well, here we are on episode 500, with over 5.25 million downloads to far. And at the same time, I celebrate 58 years on earth. A couple of milestones I wanted to mark, for sure! Which raises the question from a listener, on what I have learned in life. I’ll share 5 big things I’ve learned in my trips around the sun. But before I get there, I thought I'd tell you how I got here:  500 episodes of the podcast, a number of books and online courses, and lots of coaching.  How did I end up in this world, in this profession? And why do I keep at it?  I have long said that my job was to put myself out of business.  It won't happen.  But that is always my goal.  Until then, I'll keep showing up to help people build better marriages and have better lives. Thank YOU for being part of this journey!   RELATED RESOURCES: My Save The Marriage System My New Training Resource, The Connection Compass My Books The Husband Bootcamp The Field Guide To Marriage

Let's just say that the bumper sticker, "I used to be cool," has nothing to do with me. I was not cool. I was more the nerdy kid. And to be honest, I'm not sure I have really outgrown that. In my teen years, I was a magician. My friends were magicians, jugglers, clowns, ventriloquists, and carneys. I even started a magic club at my high school. And no, the cool kids did not show up for it. Ever. But I will tell you one thing about magic:  it taught me a ton of life lessons... and a ton of psychology! I still recall those lessons to this day. I probably learned more about humans and perception in my performing than I ever did in my psychology courses. I also learned lessons of perseverance and practice. That is the only way to master sleight of hand. I still rely on that to this day. Which is why I am always interested when people ask me about the "trick" to saving their marriage. They want some little technique, some "sleight of mind" that will shift their spouse. But more than that, there are some other lessons from magic that I watch play out. For example, people can come up with the most complex idea about how to do something. They complicate some simple things... in magic tricks and in life. And particularly in marriages. In this Save The Marriage Podcast episode, we discuss the problems people create in their attempts to find the trick to saving their marriage.     RELATED RESOURCES: My new free resource, The Connection Compass My Save The Marriage System My books A training on The Dangers of  the Shortcut

Sometimes, just a hint or trick will do it.  Maybe you want a trick or hint for an online game.  Or even a trick for a better pancake.  A hint for a better pushup. But hints and tricks won’t work for saving a marriage. Which is what I try to explain when I get the daily emails and voicemails, just asking for a hint or trick.  Nothing wrong with asking.  But the answer is, “you need more than a hint or trick.  You need an approach.  You need a system.” But you also need a starting point, a way to get beyond the stuck point.  Most people just don’t know how to start, so they start with hints and tricks.  And then they realize there is more to this, more to the crisis. When people tell me that they had a great marriage “until a week/month/year/___ time period ago, when ___________ happened,” they are missing that the seeds of the crisis were planted long before. And that is why we need to fix the underlying issues, address the underlying problems, and rebuild in a sustainable way… for a long-term marriage. In this episode of the podcast, I use the acronym from Gay Hendricks of FACT.  We will FACT out your marriage crisis and get you moving forward. Pay attention to the choice of path (3 W’s), and your action plan (3 C’s) in order to make a real shift as you face the FACTs of your crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Connection is Vital You Need a Plan 3 C Approach 3 Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System The Connection Compass

Your marriage is in trouble, and you know you need help. But what type of help?  And how do you know if it is the right help for your marriage?  Tough question.  And I can't answer it. But I can help you get the answer. I created a guide to help you find the best help, whether it is therapy, coaching, a retreat or workshop, or an online course.  I tell you the pros and cons of each, along with the ways to find the right fit for you and your spouse. In this podcast, I do tell you how to grab that resource.  But more importantly, I tell you about four big mistakes people make... even before they get started with getting help.  These mistakes can cost you the possibility of even utilizing help.  At the very least, they make the process more difficult, and they make your spouse even more resistant. Let's cover the mistakes and get my report to you, so that you can find, get, and use the best help in saving your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Are You Helping or Hurting Save The Marriage System The Connection Compass - join for free to get the special report

I know. I say it all the time. Connection is crucial -- even critical -- for the health and survival of your marriage. But what if there is a trap... a Connection Trap? Guess what? There IS! On this week's podcast, I answer "D's" question about their stuck place. She names what she thinks are the 3 C's that must be there for a strong marriage. She names Commitment, Connectivity, and Chemistry. Those aren't bad choices. They just set a trap. A trap I want to warn you about! But first, let me make it clear:  I wholeheartedly agree with commitment.  It is the guiding star for any marriage.  And it is critically important for guidance as you navigate your marriage crisis.  It can keep you pointed toward safe-harbor while you work on healing. The trap, then, is with the other two.  No, I am not against connection (it is at the heart of my approach in my System).  I get concerned with how people expect connection to work.  And that is the trap.  Chemistry is another complicator to the trap. Listen in below as I discuss The Connection Trap. RELATED RESOURCES Healing Disconnection -- Resources to Help "Space" and Connection The Connection Principle The Save The Marriage System

The Pause Button.  You didn't know you hit it.  But you probably did. "We'll get back to each other after the kids/ promotion/ travels/ hobbies/ events/ friends... (well, you get the idea)." AFTER life, we will get back to love. There is only one problem.  Relationships are either growing or receding, strengthening or weakening. There IS no pause. When you hit the Pause-Button, you are... even without realizing it... choosing the path of disconnection. Then, when you go to UN-pause, you look at each other, strangers.  Disconnected. In this episode of the podcast, I tell you why pause is such a problem, and point you to a path back. RELATED RESOURCES The Pause Button Marriage Connection in Marriage Surviving Disconnection Communication in Marriage Save The Marriage System

Saving your marriage is important. But not always easy. Isn't that a truth in life, though? What is easy is rarely important. And what is important is worth the effort. There are some things that can make your process of saving your marriage a bit more complicated though. Not impossible. Just more complicated. While there are others, I cover seven different complicators in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast.  If you feel stuck, you may want to see if one of these complicators is tripping you up... and what to do about it! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Stops Along The Way to Divorce Why Connection is So Important Can It Even Be Saved? The Save The Marriage System

Many people are struggling with depression.  And they find themselves in the midst of a marriage crisis. So, what does depression mean for those situations? How does depression affects a marriage.  Does depression cause a crisis? Or do people get depressed because of the crisis?  Or... and this is more central to the question... how do you deal with depression and a marriage crisis? Depression is a reality for many people.  And depression is a part of a marriage crisis many times. The question is how you move through both crises:  depression and a marriage crisis. In this podcast, I discuss the effects of depression, some thoughts about causation, and how to deal with the depression while addressing the relationship crisis. RELATED RESOURCES Beat Depression Series Showing Up In Marriage Connection in Marriage Save The Marriage System

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year?  I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year.  And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol.  This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past.  Yep.  Christmas, with new opportunities.  Here it is: Christmas Eve.  Chris and Holly have settled into bed.  Neither can sleep.  It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads. Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past.  Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure. What happened?  Where did their relationship fall into trouble? Can they find their way back? But first, they have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night. Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship?  Is there a path through the pain? Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.

Several podcast listeners have asked why a spouse only remembers the negative, or only dwells on the negative.  Why don't they remember the good times or see the good things? Why does it feel like they only see the negative? Over the years, I have noticed this as a recurring and common issue in your efforts to save your marriage.  A spouse's thoughts just stay on the negative.  Maybe thinking about what is going on now or remembering what happened then.  (Memories are just current thoughts about past events -- not accurate representations of the past.) Since this is such a common phenomenon, I thought it might be good to cover it in a podcast episode. If your spouse is stuck in the negative (or you find yourself stuck in the negative), let's look at the reasons it happens... and what you can do about it! RELATED RESOURCES Book:  How To Save Your Marriage in 3 Simple Steps (I have a chapter on changing limiting beliefs) How's Your Attitude? Hope and Stockdale Paradox Where To Focus "The Last Straw" Going Pro Program: Save The Marriage

"A" has been trying to set boundaries with her husband.  Trying to get the treatment she deserves.  Trying to get the relationship to a healthy spot. But then, her spouse throws a little shade her way... rolling eyes, using a demeaning tone.  What should she do to set a boundary on that?, she asks In this case, A has a good hold on what to do when, say, her spouse raises his voice or calls her names.  But what about those less-clear actions -- using a "you're so stupid" tone (note that this requires you to read a tone... not always a good thing to try). Sometimes, boundaries are clear.  You know how to set them.  I even have a whole chapter on it in the primary module of Save The Marriage System. But when it is more subtle... a little harder to pin down.  And a little harder to call someone on.  What about that? I cover it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Setting Boundaries Boundaries and Control Healing Hurt Expectations and Agreements Conflict Save The Marriage System

Surely you can convince your spouse to work on your marriage… right?  Yes, your marriage is in crisis.  But if you say the right thing… or say it in the right way… or convince, beg, cajole, argue, and somehow shift their thinking, then you can save your marriage.  Right? Not so fast. Usually, all of the above leads to more resistance.  Not less.  It does not lead to connection and healing, but more stand-off.  More insistence that nothing can be done.  That the marriage is beyond repair.  And that the only solution is dissolution. So, if begging, arguing, convincing, and cajoling won’t work, what will? In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, we explore the concept of force, and how to shift it toward your goal of saving your marriage. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Don’t Convince Working on Connection Book:  Beyond The 3 Barriers Book:  How To Save Your Marriage In 3 Simple Steps Save The Marriage System

When life is hard, Holidays can feel heavy.  When there is a marriage crisis, it can be tough to muster the energy to even move forward — especially when all the commercials and movies push the “merry and bright” of a mythic holiday. And here we are, on the cusp of the Holiday season!  It cuts across nations and beliefs.  The season is here. A client recently told me, “I just want to crawl into bed and get up on January 2nd." What a loss!  No chance to find the deeper meaning of the Holidays.  No chance at connection, re-connection, and healing. Her real desire was to avoid pain.  But her solution did more than avoiding pain.  It avoided life, and all it offered. My suggestion:  deal with the heavy Holidays in a way that brings depth, connection, and healing, by engaging in the holiday. I have 5 suggestions on dealing with Holidays in the midst of a marriage crisis.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES Gratitude and Marriage How Gratitude Can Transform Your Marriage Ghosts of Marriage Past Holidays and Marriage Save The Marriage System

Sounds so philosophical, doesn't it?  Your "created past."  What is that? We all do it.  We remember things based on our emotional state, not on what happened. When someone hurts us, we think back on the other times they hurt us.  When someone is kind and loving, we think back on the other loving times. When a couple is connected, they remember connection.  When they are disconnected, they remember disconnection. We rewrite the past, based on the present situation.  Usually, we just think about how the past led to the present. But where we are forms what we think about where we have been. If you are wondering why your spouse can't remember the happier times, can't remember the passion, can't remember the connection, this is it.  The memories are being selected and created based on the current pain and disconnection. Let's talk more about this in the podcast below. RELATED RESOURCES: Connection And Marriage Perceptions In Marriage Fears In Marriage Restore Your Marriage

Phil asked, "How do you know you are making progress?"  And perhaps fearing that the signs point the other way, he also asked, "how long is long enough to be trying before it is unhealthy for me." Those are two great, if somewhat polarized, questions.  They point to fears of not being able to save a relationship.  What to look for?  And what to do if those signs are not there? This can be a bit like staring into the crystal ball... or asking the magic mirror.  But these are such important questions that I wanted to answer Phil's questions... at least as much as I can.  There are lots of dynamics and subtleties to a marriage and a spouse, it can be hard to be precise. But I want to discuss some signs to look for, both in when there is progress and when it is becoming unhealthy. Listen in for details in this episode of the podcast. RELATED RESOURCES Confusion or Connection Showing Up Having a Plan Spouse Is NOT The Enemy Save The Marriage System to Guide You

You want to save your marriage (or you wouldn't be here, right??). But you may not know what to do. Most people don't. I mean, let's face it:  most people don't do a lot to prepare to be married.  Maybe a little pre-marital counseling.  Perhaps a weekend event.  Or maybe you read a book.  But that doesn't really cut it, does it?  Most people find that out when they hit a problem. They often discover that they didn't really understand how to have a good marriage, much less how to fix a hurting marriage.  But we can change that! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you 3 steps you can take, with or without your spouse's involvement, that can start the process to saving and restoring your marriage. No, they aren't hard, nor complicated.  They are, however, important.  So listen in and take action. Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: Why Communication Isn't The Issue Why Connection Matters How Therapy Can Cause MORE Problems Why You Need A Plan Here is the Save The Marriage System

We all have limiting beliefs.  You... me... and your spouse!  I always work to change my limiting beliefs.  You are probably doing the same.  But you can't just change your spouse's limiting beliefs! What is a limiting belief?  It is a mostly-FALSE belief.  But more than that, it is one that keeps you stuck... unable to see bigger possibilities.  Potentials for change. Mostly, limiting beliefs are about what CAN'T happen, what is NOT possible. Even when there are possibilities. Even when things CAN change. If someone can't see a way to move forward, they are unlikely to be willing to try to move forward.  So, they stay stuck.  And if it is a spouse who can't see forward on saving your marriage, it can keep YOU stuck, too! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I discuss what to do when your spouse's belief is "if a marriage was meant to be, it would be easy."  I also address several other false/limiting beliefs... and what to do about them. Listen in below. RELATED RESOURCES Survival Series What Happy Couples Know Showing Up Save The Marriage System

Just to be clear, people don't simply end up divorced.  They don't go from a loving, connected marriage to a painful, hurting divorce.  There are some stops along the way. As people progress along the path to divorce, they have some options along the way, to either take the off-ramp or jump back on the road.  And the further along the road they go, the harder it is to turn around, to turn back toward the marriage. But what if I were to tell you that even at the last stop, things can still turn around?  You can still turn things around. More than that, what if I told you about those 8 stops along the way?  Because most people aren't even aware that they have blown through the first one, two, or even three, without even realizing it! In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I tell you about each stop... and the options of the off-ramp.  Tune in to hear and to find where you are. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: 7 Stages of Disconnection The Pause Button Marriage Why Connection Matters Grab the Save The Marriage System