The Save The Marriage Podcast

"I'm just Type A—that's why we clash." "I'm an Alpha male. This is just who I am." "I'm anxiously attached. I can't help how I react." I hear these statements constantly in my coaching work. And every time, I watch the same thing happen: growth stops. The label becomes a shield. The framework becomes a prison. And the marriage stays stuck. In this episode, I'm examining three of the most popular psychological frameworks people use to explain their behavior—and what the research actually says about them. Spoiler: the science doesn't support what most people think it does. What We Cover: Type A personality and what the research really found (hint: it's not about drive or ambition) Alpha Male theory and the wolf study that's been debunked for decades Attachment styles—solid research that people are using in terrible ways Why these frameworks become barriers to change instead of pathways to growth The difference between using psychology as a map vs. using it as a jail cell Fair Warning This episode is direct. If you're invested in one of these frameworks, you might feel defensive listening to it. Pay attention to that reaction. It's information. Because your marriage doesn't need more explanation for why things aren't working. It needs change. And change becomes impossible when you're more committed to protecting your identity than examining your impact. This episode is about coachability—the willingness to question what you think you know about yourself in service of building the marriage you actually want. Ready to get uncomfortable?  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Save The Marriage System Dangers in Marital Therapy What are You Controlling?

In this episode of the podcast, I explore why marriages feel empty even when couples are still together. The answer isn't about compatibility or whether you "married the right person." It's about three essential elements that every strong marriage needs, and what happens when they disappear. I'm bringing together insights from Brené Brown, Tony Robbins, and Jennifer Wallace's new book Mattering to show you a different way of understanding what's really going wrong. These aren't just abstract concepts. They are deeply wired human needs that your marriage either fulfills or frustrates. Here's what makes this episode different: I'm not just diagnosing the problem. I'm showing you why the disconnection you're feeling creates a cascade of other losses — and why connection is always the starting point for rebuilding. If you've been wondering whether your marriage can be saved, or if you're stuck in a relationship that feels more like going through the motions than genuine partnership, this episode will help you see your situation more clearly. Listen now to discover: • Why "fitting in" to your marriage leaves you feeling emptier than being alone • The hidden way disconnection steals your sense of significance • What it really means to "matter" to someone - and why you can't fake it • How to know if you've been hitting the Un-Pause Button without realizing it This might be the perspective shift you've been needing. RELATED RESOURCES Why Connection Matters Three Levels of Connection Save The Marriage System

You've decided to save your marriage. You start the process, maybe even make some progress. Then, BAM!  You hit a wall. A wall of fear.  Fears that sabotage your efforts, pull you back from your plan, get you to give up. But those fears do not have to be the end of your efforts.  In fact, those fears need not do anything to your efforts.  Fears and actions are not the same.  Fears are fears.  Whenever we base our actions on fears, we give them too much power. When you are working on saving a marriage, there are 4 fears that strike many people... and they may just hit you! And then, you have to decide whether the fears stop your efforts or if they are just "background noise." Which will they be for you? Listen to the podcast episode below. RELATED RESOURCES Relationship Fears 3 C's of Saving A Marriage Why Save It? Facing Fears and Moving Forward Save The Marriage System

When successful men feel powerful at work but powerless at home, something fundamental is missing. In this episode, Mitchell Osmond, leadership consultant and host of the Dad Nation podcast, shares his journey from rock bottom — facing divorce, depression, and 60 pounds overweight — to creating a framework that helps couples move beyond being "roommates sharing rings." Mitchell introduces the RISE Conversation Ladder, a practical tool for moving from surface-level logistics to genuine emotional intimacy. The four levels—Routine, Information, Story, and Essence—provide a roadmap for the deeper connection your marriage is craving. You'll discover: Why men often struggle with "normative male alexithymia" (lack of words for emotions) and what to do about it The eulogy exercise that creates visceral clarity about the legacy you're building How to ask for "emotional data" in your relationship before crisis hits Why your spouse doesn't need you to fix their feelings—they need you to hear them without flinching Practical questions that open doors to the essence level where true intimacy lives Whether you're the husband struggling to connect or the spouse wanting to understand what's happening, this framework works for everyone. Because the goal isn't just staying under the same roof. It's knowing and being known. RELATED RESOURCES: Mitchell's Website Mitchell's Podcast

Resetting in 2026 New year. Same marriage problems? Here's the thing: most people approach a new year with good intentions but no actual reset. They keep doing the same things, waiting for different results. And when it comes to saving your marriage, that's a recipe for staying stuck. In this week's podcast, I walk you through five critical resets you need to make in 2026. Not resolutions. Resets. There's a difference. If you play pickleball, you know what a reset is. When what you're doing isn't working, you reset the ball. You slow it down. You step back and start fresh. That's what we're doing here with your marriage. What Needs to Go (and What Needs to Come In) I break down five specific shifts, each with something that needs to be "out" and something that needs to be "in" for your process this year. The first reset deals with the most common trap I see: waiting for your spouse to join you before you start working on things. Spoiler alert—that's exactly backwards. One person always starts the process. That's normal. The question is whether you're going to be that person or keep waiting. The second reset tackles what I call "Idea ADD"—jumping from YouTube video to blog post to the next shiny object the algorithm throws at you. You're trusting an algorithm instead of following a clear, consistent approach. That has to stop. The third reset is about ditching the seat-of-your-pants approach. Flying by the seat of your pants IS a system. It's just a losing system. You need an actual written plan and systems in place to support it. The fourth reset changes how you think about hope. Most people treat hope like a feeling they're waiting to experience. Wrong. Hope is something you build using a specific formula. I'll walk you through the equation. The fifth reset shifts you from pushing and chasing your spouse (which only creates more distance) to something far more effective: inviting connection. Small shift. Massive difference. Why This Matters Right Now We're just into 2026. You've got a choice in front of you. You can approach your marriage the same way you did last year, or you can actually reset your approach. These aren't theoretical concepts. They're the backbone of how I've helped thousands of people turn their marriages around. They're built into my Save The Marriage System, my VIP program, and my Unpause app. They're the three C's in action: Connect with your spouse. Change yourself. Create a new path. Each of these five resets moves you toward one or more of those three areas. And each one is something you can control and execute on, regardless of where your spouse is right now. Listen to this episode if you're serious about making 2026 different. Not just hopeful it will be different. Actually different. Because hope isn't something you wait for. It's something you build. Listen to Episode 584: Resetting in 2026 now on the Save The Marriage Podcast. If your marriage is in crisis, learn more about the Save The Marriage System at savethemarriage.com. If you're looking to strengthen your connection and unpause your marriage, check out the Unpause app at unpauseyourmarriage.com.

You started working on saving your marriage.  Good for you! And then, you hit a bump.  You get knocked down.  Maybe you discovered an affair, physical or emotional.  Maybe your spouse is irritable and upset.  Maybe it is anger and resentment, yours or your spouse’s. And it knocks you down. Enough that you think it is over.  That you are at the end. But are you?  Or do you need to get back up? In most things in life, we think the process is (or should be) smooth.  I fall for that myth all the time.  I think a project is going to be easy and straightforward.  Only to find a complication and difficulty at every turn. And guess what?  The same is true in your efforts to save your marriage. We talk about how you might get knocked down… and how to get up again, in this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast. (And if I have you humming a song in your head... I have succeeded with my title! You are my people!)   RELATED RESOURCES Dealing with Discouragement You Need A Plan Not A Wish, A Plan Your Support Team Do You Need Coaching? Coaching Resource Page Save The Marriage System

Do you settle down with a good book you have read over and over this time of year?  I read my kids the exact same Christmas book every single year.  And many years, I re-read a classic for myself… like A Christmas Carol.  This year, I offer you a redux of a prior podcast episode… about the Ghosts of Your Relationship Past.  Yep.  Christmas, with new opportunities.  Here it is: Christmas Eve.  Chris and Holly have settled into bed.  Neither can sleep.  It is not, however, sugarplums dancing in their heads. Both are replaying the arguments and hurts of the past.  Neither feels connected, although both are desperate for that warm embrace each used to treasure. What happened?  Where did their relationship fall into trouble? Can they find their way back? But first, they have to make it through a night of haunts, as the Ghosts of Relationship Past visit them this night. Are they the same ghosts that haunt your relationship?  Is there a path through the pain? Listen in as Chris and Holly face the hauntings of their relationship.

You want to save a marriage... but you may not be sure what to do.  And I guess it is also a question of what not to do. BOTH what TO do and what NOT TO do, are important.  So, let's cover it!  In this episode, I cover 5 more to-do's and to-don'ts.  In an earlier episode, I covered 5 more of each. Why is this important? Because most people have the hardest time getting started (and continuing) when they aren't quite sure if they are clear on the path. That said, if you want an overall approach, please check out my Save The Marriage System HERE. RELATED RESOURCES: To-Do's and To-Don'ts Pt. 1 
Why You Are Fighting... and What To Do
 Why You Are Derailed... and What To Do
 Why You Are Discouraged... and What To Do How To Save Your Marriage - System

“Quiet Divorce.”  It seems to be the topic of article after article.  And the articles make it seem like, “No big deal, just happens, oh well.” But it IS a big deal.  And it ISN’T anything new.  Just another way of describing something we have discussed here often… the dangers of disconnection. I talked about this some time ago, when everyone was talking about Quiet Quitting during the pandemic — people were still technically employed, they just weren’t doing anything for the job.  They quit the work, but kept taking a paycheck.  I noted that sometimes, people Quiet Quit a marriage.  Which is exactly what “Quiet Divorce” is noting. People are still legally married.  But emotionally… not so much. Why does this matter? Because this doesn’t have to be the case.  You don’t have to be choosing the path of withdrawal.  But unless you understand what is going on, it is hard to do anything else.  Which is why we need to talk about Quiet Divorce… the Truth about it, and what you can do. RELATED RESOURCES: Why Connection Matters Save The Marriage System The Un-Pause App

It happens.  In the middle of a marriage crisis, you can find yourself surrounded by negativity.  A spouse negative about the marriage.  Friends and family negative about your efforts to save your marriage.  You negative, well, about everything you are doing (it is easy to slip into self-blame and self-doubt). Negativity comes from several sources:  fear, protectiveness, anger, resentment, lack of understanding, and lack of clarity. Regardless of the source, you may find yourself reacting poorly -- negatively impacting your capacity to save and improve your marriage. Is there another alternative? You bet there is! I would suggest four ways to respond that can change the outcome.  Listen to the podcast for the four ways you can respond differently to the negativity, making sure that you don't catch it yourself.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: You Need A Plan Dealing With Your Resentment Dealing With Your Spouse's Resentment Grab The Save The Marriage System

When did it happen?  When did your marriage’s trajectory head in the wrong direction? Probably long before you thought, long before you could see it.  Almost always, it is a conscious and unconscious collusion between the spouses.  And it makes sense.  Life… you have to get back to it! After all, you are now married, and your marriage is set up to successfully face life… or is it? At some point, after lots of connection, you have faith in your relationship, faith in your love.  So, you hit the Pause Button.  You think you are putting your marriage into some “suspended animation,” so that you can get on with life — kids, careers, friends, hobbies, travel, etc.  You promise yourself(selves) that you will get back to the two of you again… at some point in the future (that often keeps creeping further into the future). Until one day, you (and/or your spouse) find yourself(selves) staring at a near-stranger.  A roommate (or housemate).  You no longer recognize the relationship you have, and it certainly isn’t what you were looking for. The pain of connection leads to anger, alienation, and resentment.  That cocktail leads to a spiral of disconnection.  It often accelerates until… separation, affair, or even divorce. And it all began with a decision that made total sense… until it doesn’t work. Is there a solution? There IS!  I just released a new app, the Un-Pause App.  In the podcast, I tell you about the problem… and the solution.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: The Un-Pause App The Save The Marriage System Why Pause Is So Painful

You want to save a marriage... but you may not be sure what to do.  And I guess it is also a question of what not to do. BOTH what TO do and what NOT TO do, are important.  So, let's cover it!  In this episode, I cover 5 to-do's and to-don'ts.  And in the next episode, I'll cover 5 more of each. Why is this important? Because most people have the hardest time getting started (and continuing) when they aren't quite sure if they are clear on the path. That said, if you want an overall approach, please check out my Save The Marriage System HERE. RELATED RESOURCES: 
Why You Are Fighting... and What To Do
 Why You Are Derailed... and What To Do
 Why You Are Discouraged... and What To Do How To Save Your Marriage - System

What gets in the way of you getting traction in your efforts to save your marriage? These days, there is one very substantial reason... one thing that keeps you (and many others) from making progress.  And it is only accelerating.  What is it? Distraction. Yep, it absolutely gets in your way, pulling you away from what is most important.  Pulling you away from priorities and opportunities. What is the antidote?  We talk about it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Save The Marriage System Save The Marriage Toolkit My Books

Is your marriage infected by the "zombie virus?"  Do you find your relationship to be the "walking dead?"  Are emotions lost and connections missing?  Do you and your spouse respond to each other with "zombie grunts?" The infection can be stopped.  You can fight the infection and heal the relationship. Don't allow the big 4 symptoms of a zombie infection to overtake your relationship's immune system.  Fight back and restore your relationship to the living and the healthy. Okay, to be fair, this is a “tip o’ the hat” to Halloween… but still an important subject! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Pause Button Marriages Dangers of Disconnection "Can This Marriage Be Saved?” The Save The Marriage System -- DE-Zombie Your Marriage!

A listener had a question... and it isn't the first time I've heard it.  How DO you save your marriage when you feel hate for your spouse?  That does seem impossible to get beyond, doesn't it? I have some news for you:  many people (if not MOST) who are working on saving their marriage are NOT having warm and fuzzy feelings for their spouse. In fact, they are likely to be just as hurt, just as frustrated, and just as unsure as their spouse. But there is a difference:  They think that working on their marriage... even when feeling upset and hurt, is important.  Important enough to choose to act in spite of those feelings. You may be thinking, "Wait, I can't act differently than I am feeling!" But with just a little reflection, most people realize they do it every single day.  "Not feeling it," but still going to work.  Upset about your finances, but still paying the bills.  Angry about something, but not taking it out on someone. See what I mean? We all do that all the time.  Why?  Because something is important enough to not just react to our emotions. I discuss it in this week's Save The Marriage Podcast.  Listen below.   RELATED RESOURCES: 7 Stages of Disconnection Connection Matters Better or Bitter? Failing Ways to Argue Save The Marriage System My Toolkit

Are you an AI user?  Do you find yourself chatting with AI about things in your life? How about regarding your marriage?? If you are using AI as a resource to save your marriage, I have one suggestion:  STOP! Over the past few years (as AI chats have become more popular), I have heard from more and more people about how AI marked the end of their marriage.  Some reported a spouse becoming enamored with the chat.  Some reported a spouse "discovering" from AI that they needed to end the marriage (which is less about the wisdom of AI, and more the result of how AI is built). Some have reported a spouse (or even themselves) asking for advice on how to respond to an argument. The end results? Certainly, not improvements in the marriage.  Mostly, the outcome was poor.  To the point of divorce, in many cases. This isn't the fault of AI.  It was never intended for this purpose. But since so many people are turning to AI these days, I thought it might be time for us to talk about this (I first typed "chat," but thought better of it). RELATED RESOURCES The Connection Principle The Path to WE Being a Team Save The Marriage System The System Toolkit

Do you ever start on some new habit you heard about, maybe about the best diet or exercise, only to find that it isn’t true later on?  And have you ever discovered it was actually even worse for you? (Just think about margarine or “low fat” diets, or even diet drinks!) You think you are doing the right thing, and it turns out the “right thing” is actually the wrong thing.  And you are even worse off than before! Your marriage is in trouble and you want to save it.  So, you start gathering your information.  That is the starting point, right?  And as they say, “Knowledge is power.”  Except, of course, when the “knowledge” is myth.  False information. Worse yet, that information can do harm to your relationship. I need to let you in on a little secret:  just because it says it can help you save your marriage, that does not mean it will fit together with other approaches… or that it will even fit for you!  We get into the habit of grouping things together when they seem to be in the same subject area. But think about it for a moment.  Look up some political topic.  People might approach it from a number of different directions… and those approaches are often mutually exclusive of each other, even opposing each other.  And some are just plain wrong. In this episode of the Save The Marriage Podcast, I explode 5 myths of saving your marriage — of taking action to save your marriage.  Falling for any one of these myths can put your efforts and your relationship at risk. Listen in below, and learn what to avoid. RELATED RESOURCES Reverse Psychology Fails No Contact is Crap The Importance of Connection Growing and Stagnation Issues with Marriage Therapy Grab the Save The Marriage System

Question:  does an affair cause marital problems or do marital problems cause affairs? Answer:  YES. Longer answer:  for the majority of affairs, weak points in the marriage create a vulnerability to infidelity.  There is another necessary element... but problems do cause vulnerability.  But when infidelity is committed, the problem deepens.  Affairs end up creating both a personal and a marital crisis... often for both spouses. And then, there is the aftermath... what comes AFTER the affair is ended. In this episode of the podcast, I tackle two submitted questions: "What causes an affair?  Why did it happen in OUR marriage?" and "What is the typical aftermath in an affair for the spouse who broke it off?" In these two cases, the questions are not academic.  They are wound up in the marital crisis that is unwinding... or stuck... and infidelity is a major issue. If you are in the midst of a marital crisis, your relationship could be vulnerable... and if your spouse (or you) has committed infidelity, this can help you understand what might happen when the affair is ended. Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Other Affair Episodes Connection and Marriage Book:  Recovering From Infidelity Program:  Save The Marriage System

Have you found yourself in the middle of an argument, toe-to-toe with your spouse, with that little part of your brain saying, "why am I even arguing over this?  It doesn't matter"? I ask, because I have had that experience MANY times in my life, both with my wife and with others. It is tragic that those arguments erupt in all our lives.  They are not the big things, but the small things.  And that is the tragic part:  many marriages die from a thousand nicks.  It is often not the big deals, but the tiny things.  In fact, many times, the big deals are a result of the lifeblood lost on the tiny things. Which raises the question:  WHY do we have these arguments?  Why do we bicker?  (Check out the podcast below) And then, the second question:  HOW to change this pattern?  (Check out the podcast below) RELATED RESOURCES: Control Disconnect Problems with Therapy  My System Article:  Conflict Isn't The Problem

What do you do when your spouse has shifted back toward you… some… but is still distant?  More distant than you would like? Do you have to just accept it, accept the lack of intimacy and connection? Is that the relationship you are stuck with?  Some connection.  Still married.  But not the warmth, love, and connection you do want? That is the question posed to me.  Mary reports that her husband returned after a number of months of separation.  But now, some time later, after his return, the connection is not where it needs to be.  It isn’t where Mary wants it to be. What do you do, Mary wonders?  Accept it?  Make peace with the fact that her spouse does not want an intimate relationship with her? I delve into Mary’s question (which may also be your question) about what to do when the connection is still not there, even after some improvement.  I suggest 3 steps for Mary (and perhaps you) to take.  And yes, we start at acceptance.  But that is not about giving up! Listen below. RELATED RESOURCES: Yet Connection and Disconnection 3 Levels of Connection Acceptance - What IS That? Save The Marriage System The Lone Ranger Tool Package