Doing What Works

How intentional are you when you greet people, work with them, or console them? In this installment of Doing What Works, Katie and I share the best motivation for a conversation, and the one we hope you never have to have. We'll give you ideas for icebreakers and for injecting surprise in even the most mundane exchanges. Because really. When the kids grow up and the careers wind down, what do you have left besides a conversation with the person across the breakfast table? Here are your show notes... Gregg Levoy is the author of Callings. “When you walk in to work, in the office, just say ‘Good morning’ and go to work. Whatever you do,don’t say, ‘How are you?’ Because people will tell you -- and there goes half your day.” That's from Jerry Weintraub's When I Stop Talking, You’ll Know I’m Dead.

Your posture, your courtesy, the sparkle in your eyes (or lack of it) are giving the world clues as to whether you're at peace. How you move through the world changes the world, for better or worse. In this hour of the show Katie and I talk about why she's always had such great posture and I haven't, what I learned from someone who tried to cut in front of me in line at the grocery store, and why she thinks the lack of sparkle in the eyes of people on the subway says more about public transit than their inner peace. Bonus feature: Katie's Broadway debut! Here are your show notes... "Action precedes feeling" is from Jane Brody. Impostor syndrome is a pattern of doubting your accomplishments and thinking you're a fraud. My public speaking coach is Dr. Nick Morgan. Dan Gregory is an expert on human behavior. "How you do anything is how you do everything." This popular expression is also a book by Cheri Huber. All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten is a book by Robert Fulghum.

How quickly do you slap labels on people, places, and situations? In this installment of the show we talk about the wisdom of inserting a few beats between a situation and your judgment of it. Labels can limit, after all. Why not give it a little time before you decide something's good or bad? If you happen to love the label you've been given, never mind! Katie suggests you let that inspire an even better version of yourself. Here are your show notes... Carol Dweck's the author of Mindset: The New Psychology of Success and you can learn more about her in a piece Maureen wrote for the HuffPost. "There's no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing" is from Benjamin Zander, conductor of the Boston Philharmonic Orchestra. "It's the middle of the movie" is from motivational speaker Tim Sanders. Captain America is a fictional superhero, The Mary Tyler Moore Show was a television sitcom, and Back to the Future is a 1985 film about time travel. "Some people don't know when to quit, and I'm one of them" is Maureen's Twitter bio. The "you spot it, you've got it" phenomenon is explained by life coach Martha Beck.

Our daughter, Katie, grew up in a conversation. To say she can hold her own with Darrell and me is a little bit of an understatement. And starting with this episode of a brand-new version of Doing What Works, we're letting you in on the fun we have as a family. Katie's joined as co-host and we couldn't be more tickled. In this installment you'll learn how Katie cured herself of the "like" habit, how she cured me of apologizing out of habit, and the secret to solving the unsolvable problems. And yes, of course we talk about whether you can (and should!) be friends with your children. Thanks to a suggestion from Patricia Rossi you'll now be getting show notes with each episode. Here's your first set... Taylor Mali, in his words, is a Brooklyn-based poet and educator who has been teaching spoken word workshops all over the world since 2000. Taylor's also the inventor of Metaphor Dice and the author of "Like Lilly Like Wilson." "Eventually, Billy came to dread his father's lectures over all other forms of punishment" is from The Far Side. "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't" is attributed to Erica Jong.

Our daughter, Katie, grew up in a conversation. To say she can hold her own with Darrell and me is a little bit of an understatement. And starting with this episode of a brand-new version of Doing What Works, we're letting you in on the fun we have as a family. Katie's joined as co-host and we couldn't be more tickled. In this installment you'll learn how Katie cured herself of the "like" habit, how she cured me of apologizing out of habit, and the secret to solving the unsolvable problems. And yes, of course we talk about whether you can (and should!) be friends with your children. Thanks to a suggestion from Patricia Rossi you'll now be getting show notes with each episode. Here's your first set... Taylor Mali, in his words, is a Brooklyn-based poet and educator who has been teaching spoken word workshops all over the world since 2000. Taylor's also the inventor of Metaphor Dice and the author of "Like Lilly Like Wilson." "Eventually, Billy came to dread his father's lectures over all other forms of punishment" is from The Far Side. "Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't" is attributed to Erica Jong.

Okay. So your life isn't perfect. But you have it better than a lot of people, so who are you to complain? If that sounds familiar, Jane and I suggest you don't call it complaining. Call it paying attention to the part of you that knows you're meant to do more with your life than go through the motions. There's something special you were born to do. Why not consider that possibility, and be open to discovering it?

What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Hit the snooze button on your alarm? Check your phone? Then you've started the day with (1) a fail, and/or (2) someone else's agenda. Why not design a routine that gently eases you into the day? Some quiet time, a little coffee or tea, definitely no screens. Bonus points for doing the same thing at night. Nothing signals "I'm ready for sweet dreams" like turning off CNN and your notifications.

What do sugar, cigarettes, and complaining have in common? Right! They're habits, that's all. If you can figure out how to break them you're on your way to doing what works. The first step toward that, after all, is stopping what doesn't. We hope this hour of conversation's just the motivation you need.

Do you ever feel like you're putting much more into a friendship than your supposedly close friend is? Now what? Have a talk? Or take what you're sure is a hint, and back off -- at least for now, and maybe for good? How do you end a friendship, anyway? You can't stay close friends with everyone you've been close friends with, after all. That wouldn't leave you very much time to...make new friends!

You may have heard the suggestion to keep only those things that spark joy. If you're trying to clear some clutter, Jane and I think it's worth asking if those things spark guilt. The sweater that itches but you'd feel guilty donating because Mom gave it to you. The shoes you feel guilty not wearing because you paid a fortune for them, but they kill your feet. The painting you can't bear to display because it's ugly -- and since that, too, was a gift you stashed it in a closet instead of getting rid of it. You get the idea. The thing you most need to lose is the guilt!

You manage what you measure, as the saying goes, and what you measure shows you what you value. Are you forever comparing yourself against others? Or is it some combination of steps taken, calories consumed, pounds lost? Here's an idea. Measure the success of a day by how many times you were so absorbed in what you were doing you lost track of time, or how many giggles you shared as it wound down.

When we used to have a different guest on the show every week, experts in their respective fields, I was struck by how many of them had the same answer to my question about their best advice. "Take a class in improv," they'd say. That's one reason I was so happy to have Jane Brody join me as co-host. She's all about improv. And no wonder! Approaching life the way you're taught to in improv really can make you happier.

You've probably heard all the adages. The brick walls are there to show you how much you want it. The obstacle is the way. Impossible just means it hasn't been done yet. True enough, but how do you muster the energy and the confidence to scale that mountain? Jane and I have some ideas!

If you get a bad feeling about someone, trust it. It's like what they say about intuition, that it's knowing something without knowing why you know it. As a casting director, especially for television commercials, Jane trusted her first impressions because she was honoring how the audience would react. Don't be afraid to give someone a second chance to make a good first impression, though. Would you like people deciding you were a real problem if they just happened to catch you on a really bad day?

In the beginning, you only had to please your parents. You depended on them for survival, so they called the shots. Gradually you found other people to depend on -- and they, too, often wanted something from you in exchange for their approval. Then one day, if you were paying attention, you realized it was mathematically impossible to keep all those people happy because they disagreed with each other. The solution? To acknowledge what you’d probably heard by then, that happiness is an inside job.

You don't have to go into the woods to live deliberately like a certain poet did, but you'll need more than a quick pep talk if you want to live your intentions. Whatever else you can say about Jane and me, we put a lot of thought into how we live...and we hope to inspire that in you.

You're not going to regale your grandchildren with stories about when you gave up. So don't give up. Unless you've changed your mind about what you want. You're allowed to do that, you know. The trick is to figure out when your goals have changed, and when your fears are getting the best of you.

You don't have memories so much as memories of memories. Ever heard that? If you have, does it ring as true to you as it does to us? And what do you commit to memory, anyway? The answer to that may well determine how happy you are.

You will succeed to the extent you're willing to fail. Easy to say, difficult to remember as you're suffering what feels like a permanent setback. That's why Jane and I devote an hour to the practice of failing. Yes, the practice. You can get better at failing. Like Jane suggests with her acting students, you can fail bigger -- and faster.

Emotions are like the weather. Why get all caught up in them when the storm's likely to blow over anyway? In this encore edition of the show we encourage you to take a step back from those emotions. Before you decide your life sucks, for example, give it a minute. Take a breath, take a nap, go for a run. Feel better? Thought so!