The Husband Did It!

It’s a dark and gloomy night – the kids are in bed and you’ve finally dozed off after ensuring all your holiday To-Do lists have been completed. Then, suddenly, you take up with a start, and see the dark figure of your spouse standing over you, with hammer in hand… and you think, for a split second before the hammer strikes your skull … “huh… finally putting all that Ikea furniture together, eh?”….

It’s bedtime and you’ve pulled out your laptop for a night of naughty fun – with Zillow Porn. That’s right, you’re in your mid 30s and relax by looking up houses in neighborhoods that you can’t afford and that require a keypad and a BMW to get in. After a while, you find something well within your price range! It’s amazing, huge with lots of room for family and even with a basement with a blood pit room. Pause. Blood pit room? You glance over at your bank statement and with a shrug, email the realtor. Then you open the Pinterest tab, and type: plants that go with blood stains….

Meeting new people can be hard. I mean, you could join a cult – but then they disband because they tried to murder a bunch of people. Maybe you make a friend – but then you end up murdering that friend because you had a psychotic break… Well, there’s always knitting and collecting cats…

What’s hidden in the most haunted house in America? - Will you see a ghostly apparition dragged down by chains? Are you going to be completely alone but still feel someone touching your shoulder? Or are you going to touch something liquidy and oozy and totally regret it? Most likely yes to the last one… so bring Purell...

Some doctors are wonderful and kind, some are arrogant and incompetent. Then there are doctors, who aren’t actual doctors but are actual cult leaders, who get super murdery and make bad soup. This is why HMOs don’t work.