Action Science Theatre

The Natural History Museum – a fine institution full of dusty, dead things. A bit like the House of Lords. Satire. But how do you get into the Museum’s collections? Win a raffle? The X Factor? Who knows? One man who hopes he does is Douglas Smith. Will he get his shrew past the tough entry criteria? Will he die at the hands of a psychotic doorman? Let’s find out! Tom Thomas – Dan Bond Douglas Smith – Matt Kirk Alexander Twitch / Fred – Brian Mackenwells Lady Elstree Loudmouse – Francesca Richards Betty Boxer / Market Trader – Anna Trapmore Billy Block / Doorman – Simon Wilson Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org and SoundBible.com

Things haven’t always been fair at Christmas. In the old days, before the Snapchat, some people didn’t get everything they wanted. Women. They haven’t always had it easy. But there are some who fight for their rights! And there’s no better time to do it than when the nights draw in and those shops open that only sell pointless gadgets. Grab yourself a mince pie, loosen your clothing, punch a reindeer, and listen to this eggy slice of audio fluff. Merry Christmas! Dr Henry Keys – Jamie Crowther Annabel – Elena Wright Elizabeth Thomas – Anna Wilson Nathaniel Thomas – Brian Mackenwells Patricia – Rhona Mackenwells Lydia – Debs Mckenna Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Ooh be do. I want to be like you. I want to walk like you, talk like you. Ooooh. Modelling yourself after successful people can have ups and downs. For every “being open to new ideas” there’s a “wake every morning at 4am”. If only King Louie understood that. Of course this is unrelated to our next episode which is about gibbon hunting. I don’t know why. Perhaps they know where the lost treasure of the Sierra Madre is? Join us! Hear the most convincing gibbon impression you will ever hear! Encounter romance! Feel confused! Professor Edwards – Dan Bond Professor Martin – Charlie Vicary Dr Holt – Georgie Longley Dr Baxter – Steve Pritchard Anusha Sharma – Sreya Rao Alex Thomas – Jack Brougham Gibbon – Michaela Livingstone-Banks (world’s leading gibbon call expert) Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Aaaaaaaachoo! Oof. Sorry about that. I really must stop rubbing my face with things I’m allergic to. Like cats. Of course scientists are doing their best to cure us of diseases – and to do this they like to stick things in our crevices. Get ready for international travel! Animals! And lots of hot nose action! Lie back and think of the bacteria… Alex – Dan Booth Scott – Brian Mackenwells Merlin – Dan Bond Written by Dan Booth, Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

The 1980s. Cool music, solid haircuts, adventurous films and neoliberalism. Everything a decade should be. And it was when the big, successful computer companies started their rise. And not only the successful ones. Join us to for a story of the also-rans. The followers. The failures. The Great British computer companies. Chris Sessions – Brian Mackenwells Anna Sessions – Rhona Mackenwells Wendy King – Wendy Bradley Aaron Spector – Dan Bond Voice over – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “1980” by Frank Kleinwächter Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Guns. Dangerous things. Well, one end is. Really as long as you’re not standing in front of the little bit on the front you’ll be okay. They never point that out in gun statistics do they? What about all the people who were BEHIND the gun? Having established that guns are safe, let’s use one to fire people to space! Woo! This is a great idea. Nothing can go wrong. Time for a warm audio ear bath. Dive in. Doc Daring – Dan Bond Annie Mosey – Francesca Richards Lady Joyce Gregory – Erin Burns Professor Ian Locke – Charlie Vicary Amelia Nelson – Georgie Longley General Haystack – Steve Pritchard Nelson – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Scientists. What are they like, eh? Not content with filling the world with “facts” and “ideas” they’re also very fond of weird experiments. One minute you’re waiting for the 49 bus, the next you’re being attacked by a murderous fog that’s escaped from a laboratory. They also like removing and adding brains to things. And has that ever led to anything good? No. Well, that run is about to continue. Stick your ears right into this pile of noises, my friends. Dr Giovanni Anzelmo – Brian Mackenwells Inspector George Parr – Mike Macdonald Igor – Pamela Linnen Shoe Shine Mary / Frank – Debs McKenna Gisella Anzelmo – Wendy Bradley Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

BOOM! I love mushrooms. They’re a tasty and healthy alternative to meat. And they’re great fried in butter, like so many things in life. But what about mushroom clouds? They don’t taste so good in garlic and breadcrumbs. How about an adventure about them though? That’s something you’d like isn’t it? Well, here you are. Sort of. Mind the Russian accents. Keep your hands inside the car. Away we go! Stanley – Dan Bond Carter – Jamie Crowther Ms Clarke – Victoria Maskell Ethel – Elena Wright Richard / Sheriff / Corporal – Simon Wilson Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: Traditional Old Jazz Swing Classics 024 by PremiumMusic Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Pie charts. Not as fattening as the name suggests. They’ve been miscommunicating information for a long time now, and baffling people with their unnecessary 3D effects. Of course the reason we have them at all is down to the ‘lady with the lamp’. She was always working in the dark which explains the bright default colours used on charts in Excel. Regress with us now as if you’re in some fever dream, and experience the horrors of the Crimea war with a little bit of sauciness thrown in. And don’t come crying to us when you get trench foot. Florence Nightingale – Francesca Richards Anne Hatherley – Debs McKenna Ethel Lewisham – Anna Griffiths Dr Hiscox – Dan Booth Dr Bunting / Private Martin – Brian Mackenwells Corporal Talks / Clerk – Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Wait, 2 counter-clockwise turns off the upper-level should… No… 3 clockwise rotations of the left-most sector will… No. We all hate Rubik’s cubes. Hate them completely and utterly. More than life itself. But there are some total weirdos who do like them. Join some of these fine people as they grapple with lining up little coloured squares, AND some of life’s biggest challenges. Not everything is as it seems… Buster – Dan Bond Max / Max2 – Jack Brougham Anya – Sreya Rao Charles – Mike Macdonald Harold – Charlie Vicary Principal – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Have you ever had one of those friends? You know the type, will get you into trouble and then disappear when the going gets tough. Irish. Co-writer of the podcast you make. Named Brian. I think I may be giving you too much of a peek behind the curtains… There hasn’t been enough Scandinavia in AST up until now, so here’s some. Will Steve make it out alive? Will Angela get to make some sandwiches? Will Marcus see things through? Things are getting seedy… Marcus Houghton – Simon Wilson Angela Thrushmartin – Rhona Mackenwells Dr Vida Christensen – Kat Steiner Dr Tomas Christensen – Rory Morrison Steve Thrushmartin – Brian Mackenwells Henrik Bodia – Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “Elevators” by August Virga Sextet Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

I bet you love all those expensive comic book super hero films, don’t you? I can tell by the pyjamas your you’re wearing. Well, have you ever wondered what it’s like for the people who help them? You can’t run a crime-fighting enterprise without back room staff. Join us for the tale of some of those back room staff. There’s even an HR lady getting involved in the action. It’s the way it should be. Tally ho! Ms Banks – Anna Griffiths Gus – Jack Brougham Manisha – Sreya Rao Dr Suzie Gregory – Francesca Richards The Pink Fox / James – Dan Bond Livingcross / Tom – Charlie Vicary Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Space. A big, empty void full of nothing. That’s what the AST writers have to contend with every month. So, the easiest thing is to take someone else’s idea. PARODY! We’ve been here before with this fella, but this time he’s getting left on Mars. It’s just like a certain big budget blockbuster that came out not too long ago. But ours has an even bigger budget. And some farting. Commander Masterton / Mr Weebly – Brian Mackenwells MR CHIPS – Hannah Rackauskas Flight Technician Lucy Steers – Elena Wright Flight Engineer Harry Lim – Jamie Crowther Flight Director Owen Styles – Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Woooooaaaahhhhh! Wooooooaaaaaahhhhh! Scared? Enough to make you rethink your life choices and embrace the Christmas spirit? Of course. That’s how it always works. We have gone totally Christmas Carol crazy in this episode. Get ready for mistletoe, mulled wine, carol singers and our old friend Sir Isaac Newton. It’s our gift to you. Narrator – Dan Booth Marley – Simon Wilson Lesley – Rhona Mackenwells Sir Isaac Newton – Dan Bond Science Present – Georgie Longley Science Future – Wendy Bradley Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “Silent Night” by Kevin MacLeod (incompetech.com) Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 3.0 Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Travelling around the country is fun. And you can increase the fun by searching the airwaves to find local radio stations to listen to. The playlists, attitudes, and opinions have remained remarkably stable over the past 30 years. And that’s exactly what we all need more of in our lives. One such radio station is about to get embroiled in the evil machinations of Dr Stroiker – who, because he’s a doctor, is up to naughty science shenanigans. Obviously. That’s what they do. Come listen, friends! Terry – Mike MacDonald Lily / Howie – Dave Robertson Dr Stroiker / Roger – Matt Kirk Mr Heroman / Henry – Brian Mackenwells Lyn / Sgt Cuffs / Carl / Steve – Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “Breaking News AC2 Full” by Music For Your Media “Infographics Loop” by DDMYZIK Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Baa baa black sheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, yes sir, and due to the fact I’ve been cloned it’s very similar to the wool you already have. Ah, I love a classic nursery rhyme. Get ready for this, as there’s a lot of skulking and flashbacks. Make a good 70’s cop duo wouldn’t they? Skulking and Flashbacks – wa-a-a wa-a-a wa-a-a. Anyway, ears at the ready, and let’s get it on. George – Dan Bond Nicola – Debs McKenna Robin – Kat Steiner Guard Jones – Kirsten Summers Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org Sheep noises adapted from Sheep.com

Nemesesises’s. We all have one. Whether it’s the newsreader who always seems to be giving all the bad news DIRECTLY TO YOU, or the man whose evil plans you keep thwarting. Or that guy who’s sleeping with your girl / boyfriend. Yep. Now you know. We’ve all known for ages. Stop whatever it is you’re doing and listen to this tale of Isambard Kingdom Brunel’s greatest rival who you’ve never heard of because we just made him up. Listening to this episode is best done while dressed in period costume. Mr Parnel – Simon Wilson Diamond Letwich – Georgie Longley Mrs Parnel – Victoria Maskell Reporters – Brian Mackenwells, Dan Bond Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

Bah bah bah bah! Bah bah bah! Bah bah bah bah! Bah bah bah bah bah! You recognise it don’t you? Don’t you? Come on. No it’s not that one. The other one. The one with the guy in the hat. No I can’t just tell you in case the lawyers are reading. You’ll figure it out. Join us Actioneers, as we venture between two worlds. One real, the other inside the mind of a man with a broom. You can almost taste the excitement. And it tastes like custard. Play, play, play! Darren Broom – Mike Macdonald Elicia Logan – Charvy Narain Stephen Smith / Dr Smith – Brian Mackenwells Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “Heroes Confrontation” by Grégoire Lourme Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

They can’t get rid of me, you know. Do you know why? Because I know where the bodies are buried. The sweet, valuable bodies. That’s right, AST is going all dark and deathy. The best way to listen to this episode is to turn off the lights and close your eyes. Unless you’re in a car. Come with us to the strangest shop in London, where body parts sell like hot cakes and every item in the bagging area is unexpected. Stephanie Eliot – Debs McKenna Edgar Digsby – Dan Bond Jospehine Splut – Hannah Rackauskas Mr Doughty / Mr Customer – Brian Macken Mr Allen / Queuer – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org

How does one make oneself a success? Is it by finding something one enjoys and making that a profession? Or by pursuing a successful profession that already exists? Frankly, we don’t know or care. We have other things to worry about. I mean, there’s another royal baby for Queen’s sake. Come now to Cambridge, where a couple of quacks are battling over the soul of a young lady who only has one letter in her name. Pile in! (Featuring a special, surprise guest at the end. Although you can spoil the surprise by reading the credits.) Delilah “Dee” Forrester – Georgie Longley Dr Andrew Johnson – Jamie Crowther Dr Patrick Donoghue – Brian Macken Isaac Newton – Dan Booth Written by Dan Bond & Brian Mackenwells Produced by Dan Booth Music: “Allegretto” by Arnaud Condé Some sound effects provided by Freesound.org