Apocalypse Video

Someone once wrote, “War is Hell”. Well, the same thing could be said for this latest run of my Apology Tour. We just watched a season 6 two-parter of M*A*S*H., a show that up until this point I had only seen the end credits of as a kid whenever I was waiting for something else to come on TV. It’s not that the show is bad, mind you, I just can’t shake the feeling that one of my co-hosts, a die hard M*A*S*H. fan, is giving me evil eyes whenever I don’t laugh along with the audience laugh track. We’ll see if I make it through this leg of the tour without getting beaten by my friends with the old “soap in a sock” routine. Anyway, I’m your host, Dave, and joining me on this tour of duty are fellow TV-philes and brothers/sisters in arms, Mike and special guest: Janna. Topics of discussion in this episode include as background on Klinger’s whole deal and his (more than likely) eventual turn to madness; Dave’s Hawkeye impression could use some serious work; and finally, we try to explain Alan Alda’s animal magnetism. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com  That’ll do it for this episode, folks. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I think I need to get the hell out of here. I think I see the rest of my unit in the shadows creeping over to my bunk…and they’re carrying socks…

Hello, People of the Wasteland. My name is Dave, Store Manager of Apocalypse Video, and I would like to read you the following statement I have prepared: “After the utter failure of our recent summer film fest, which featured the likes of Catwoman and Madame Web, I admit that my decision to create a whole summer of programming based purely on spite was ill conceived and wrong. I accept all responsibility for the pain and anguish that came along with everyone in the wasteland having to watch these terrible films in order to follow along with our corresponding podcast reviews. I hope that you will one day forgive me, and as a gesture of what I hope will lead to my eventual redemption, I would like to announce that this month’s programming will officially be known as “Dave’s Apology Tour”; a series of reviews based on movies and shows that people actually enjoy - and not things like the live action Aeon Flux. And with that, I hope you enjoy the first entry in my Apology Tour, 1999’s box office smash: The Mummy.” I’m your host who’s skating on thin ice, Dave, and joining me as we kick off a batch of watchable movies for a change are fellow cinephiles and crypt robbers Mike, Jackie, and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include the famed “Summer of ‘99” (aka: the year of dual wielding pistols and CG bugs entering people’s bodies); we talk about the decades long journey to bring The Mummy to screen, which included the likes of Joe Dante and Clive Barker; and finally, we talk about the Mummy’s place in a crowded summer dominated by The Matrix and Star Wars: Episode One - The Phantom Menace. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com  That’ll do it for this episode, folks. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we gotta jump on our camels and ride off into the sunset.

In our world, knowing the future can’t save you from it. On the final episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V: The Future is Super Female, Dakota Johnson and Sony Pictures make a film so bad it threatens to end Cinema as we know it! So take off your shoes and prepare to party like it’s 2003; it's Madame Web! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we review what is perhaps the worst film we’ve ever watched for this podcast are fellow cinephiles and precogs Ryan, Mike, and Jackie. Topics of discussion in this episode include the age old Hollywood tradition of churning out garbage strictly to hold onto an IP; Dakota Johnson can see the future, but apparently has difficulty opening a can of Pepsi; and finally, Sony Pictures sadly drives the final nail in the proverbial coffin of their live-action Spiderverse spinoffs with a film so bad, it can’t even be saved by an ending at a literal fireworks factory. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com And with that, Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V comes to an end. What else is there to say…sorry, folks. They can’t all be winners. But next year, we’re gonna pull out all the stops and only feature bangers. No more films by Pitof - we promise.

In the future, the odds of survival are 1000 to 1. That’s just the way she likes it. On this week’s episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol V: The Future is Super Female!, Lori Petty ditches her surf board and commandeers a tank to go one on one against the holographic head of Malcolm McDowell…it’s Tank Girl! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we try our best to conserve water are fellow cinephiles Ryan and special guest, Janna. Topics of discussion in this episode include how Tank Girl plays like a post-apocalyptic Little Rascals; we salute the ingenuity of Malcolm McDowell’s water bottle-water suckers; and finally, we wonder if the zaniness of Tank Girl was just a few years ahead of its time as we talk about the film and the comic’s legacy. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next week as Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol V: The Future is Super Female!! concludes with 2024’s Madame Web.

Adventure runs in the family. On this week’s episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol V: The Future is Super Female!, Helen Slater battles evil witches and horny truckers as she seeks the power source that will bring life back to her space hippie commune…IT’S SUPERGIRL!! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we chow down on some Popeye’s chicken are fellow cinephiles and Argo City space hippies Mike, Jackie, and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include the ever expanding range of Kryptonian super powers, which somehow include the ability to create schoolgirl outfits out of thin air; we wonder how much the Salkind’s had to pay Peter O’Toole to embarrass himself in this tripe; and finally…we need to talk about Jimmy Olsen, because this thirty something creeper is getting way too fresh with Lois Lane’s kid sister. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next week as we travel to the post apocalyptic future of Tank Girl!

They were three small time girls, with big time dreams. Now, fate is giving the Pussycats the chance of a lifetime. On this week’s episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V: The Future is Super Female!, a group of aspiring rock stars from Riverdale must foil the evil plans of Alan Cumming and Parker Posey as they use the power of subliminal advertising to sell a bunch of garbage to the youth of America. It’s…Josie and the Pussycats. I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we prepare to drop our totally awesome new album are fellow cinephiles and Josie fanboys, Mike and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include the bizarre legacy of Riverdale and its many inhabitants; we question whether or not critics in the year 2001 knew what satire was; and finally, we pour one out for the music industry of yore as we talk about the death of the music video generation. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next time as Helen Slater emerges from a pond in full costume to battle a magical Faye Dunaway in Supergirl.

This week we celebrate a milestone occasion, folks. Believe it or not, it’s been six whole years since we first started doing the Apocalypse Video podcast, and a lot’s happened in that time. We’ve had people come and go – heads chopped off; heads reattached; Kaiju attacks; you know, the usual. So with such a long and storied history, how could we possibly celebrate six years in a fashion befitting of a show so spectacular? The answer…Trivia. As in, MOVIE TRIVIA SHOWDOWN!!! That’s right, we’re coming at ya LIVE from the newly opened Apocalypse Video Studios in Sector 2 with over ninety minutes of movie trivia action! Plus a handful of questions about the crazy shenanigans that have occurred on this show over the years. I’m your host, Dave, and joining me today are our three contestants, chosen from the admittedly limited pool of employees at Apocalypse Video: Mike, Jackie, and Ryan! Do our contestants have what it takes to win the showdown and prove their Apocalypse Video bonafides? Well, we’ll find out today!!! Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com Apocalypse Video will resume its regularly scheduled programming next week, as Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V returns with Josie and the Pussycats. See you then!

Before she can find peace she will wage war. On this week’s episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V: The Future is Super Female!, Jennifer Garner comes back from the dead to battle tattooed freaks and super villains who use their laundry as a weapon – It’s Elektra! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as the fatigue of this less than stellar film fest is starting to set in are fellow cinephiles Mike and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include a climax that looks like it was choreographed by the Star Wars Kid; we equate Elektra to a Wal-Mart brand Batman Begins; and finally, we discuss the legacy of Jennifer Garner’s Elektra and how she ultimately ended up in a literal trash world for forgotten early 2000s superheroes. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next time as we jet over to Riverdale and jam with everyone’s favorite rockers, Josie and the Pussycats.

CATch Her in IMAX! On this week’s episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V: The Future is Super Female!, Halle Berry plays Patience Phillips, a super hot nerd who is turned into a super hot Catwoman, as she battles a stone faced Sharon Stone who’s out to turn the women of America into face cream addicted monsters – from visionary director Pitof, it’s Catwoman! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we scrape the absolute bottom of the superhero barrel is fellow cinephile and Bast fanboy, Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include a question as to whether free movie vouchers included in Batman DVDs count towards a film’s total box office gross; we wonder if the screenwriters used the Superhero Name Generator to come up with Catwoman’s alter ego: Patience Phillips; and finally, we wonder how bad the shelved Batgirl movie could have possibly been if this was considered releasable. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next time as we stay in the early 2000s era of superhero films with 2005’s forgotten snoozefest, Elektra.

See Barbarella do her thing! On this week’s episode of Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V: The Future is Super Female!, prepare to drop some acid and make love like it’s the year 4,000 — it’s Barbarella! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we take our sex pills and prepare to have our hair blown back are fellow cinephiles and primitives living in a state of neurotic irresponsibility, Mike and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include a future where all spaceship walls are covered in shag carpet; Barbarella bizarre production shows us a glimpse of what Star Wars might have looked like, had it not been saved in editing; and finally, we determine that Barbarella is basically The Wizard of Oz, if Dorothy had had sex with the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion, and the Scarecrow. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next time as we unleash our claws and meeeowwww with 2004’s box office bomb, Catwoman.

Don’t call her Babe! Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest Vol. V continues! And this time, we’ve got a 90s video store staple for ya, straight from the sleazy town of Steel Harbor…it’s Barb Wire! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we try to sell our illegal contact lenses are fellow cinephiles and resistance fighters Mike and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include a film that is only a few degrees away from being a soft core porno; we wonder why critics in 1996 had such a problem with a woman being sexy; and finally, Clint Howard shines as he goes full skeeze playing Steel Harbor’s sweatiest scumbag, Schmitz. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next time as we travel to the future to meet the Queen of the Galaxy herself, Barbarella!

The future is flux. Summer is here, and that can mean only one thing; Hot Dave’s Summer Film Fest is back!!! And this time we’re bringing you a summer film fest of epic proportions, filled with the best (and worst) of the Hollywood comic book film machine…female-led comic book films. That’s right, fellas - the Future is Super Female!!! I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we begin our summer long journey into the world of tomorrow is fellow cinephile and Goodchild clone baby, Mike. Topics of discussion in this episode include a world where all assassins travel via backflip; we Charlize Theron wears a slightly less pervy costume than the one seen in the anime; and finally, we talk about the making of Aeon Flux and how the executives must have all been screaming the same thing: Make it more like the Matrix!! Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com That’ll do it for this week’s episode, true believers. We’ll be back next time with an even more scantily clad female heroine with…Barb Wire.

Hey, everyone - Dave here. As we get into the unbearable hellscape that is Summer, please remember to get your Air Conditioner checked regularly, lest you end up overcranking your system and turning one of your employees into an ice cube. The podcast you are about to hear is a cautionary tale of Air Conditioner negligence and stale, frozen comedy premises. I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we wheeze the juice are fellow cinephiles and Cro-Magnon men, Mike and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include a comedy premise that feels like it was frozen in the 80s; Sean Astin tests our tolerance with the loathsome character of “Dave”; and finally, we track the rise and fall of Pauly Shore, the Weasel of the 90s. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com  That’ll do it for this week’s episode, folks. Stay cool out there, buuuuuu-ddy.

Be careful what you wish for… Ahhh, who amongst us hasn’t fallen prey to this old adage? I myself once dreamed of a world where I would have free access to endless Taco Bell and Mountain Dew Livewire - alas, I had to endure an apocalypse in order to get those wishes. Ah well, it was worth it. But, sadly, the same can’t be said for my good buddy, Ryan. The fool wished on a Zoltar machine at the local Bartertown carnival and now he’s got to deal with an abnormally shrunken head, instead of an abnormally large one. Thankfully, we just so happen to have an answer to Ryan’s problem in the video store. And it just so happens to come courtesy of our old pal, Penny Marshall, and America’s Sweetheart, Tom Hanks. I’m your host and former thirteen year old, Dave, and joining me as we thirst over Elizabeth Perkins in a Jets jersey are fellow cinephiles Mike, Jackie, and former Big Head, Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include the questionable hiring practices at Macmillan Toys; we wonder if Big is just Anne Spielberg writing about her man-child brother, Stevie; and finally, we discuss the fallout of what happened after Susan realized that she had sex with a thirteen year old Manic Pixie Dream Boy / Man. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com  That’ll do it for this week’s episode, folks. And remember, don’t go wishing on a Zoltar machine unless your city has one hell of a Consumer Affairs department.

Where were you in ‘02? If you were anything like us you were busy trying to decide which eight movies to rent at your local video store while waiting for the store manager to call you back about your job application. Or you were one of the cool kids who were going to parties and getting laid - anyway, if you’re reading this and always wondered what all the other kids in high school were up to every weekend, we may just have a movie this week that’ll shine a light on that very topic. I’m your host and shift leader, Dave, and joining me as we go back in time to the early 2000’s are fellow cinephiles and Paul Thomas Anderson fanboys, Ryan and Cody. Topics of discussion in this episode include the trials and tribulations of working in an early 2000s video store (including selling horribly structured payment plans); we perform a Bar Rescue-style makeover on Sequels Video; and finally, we talk about the importance of watching movies that are outside of your comfort zone (aka: Film Bro Canon). Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com  That’ll do it for this episode, folks. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to return some video tapes.

Get ready to set sail as Apocalypse Video goes back to Titanic to see where it all began for James Cameron and his journey to becoming King of the World (and of the box office). I’m your host and ship’s Captain, Dave, and joining me as we collide with destiny are fellow cinephiles and Third Class passengers Mike, Ryan, and Jackie. Topics of discussion in this episode include a debate on how soon is too soon to make a movie about a (Spoiler Alert: 84 years is NOT too soon); Paul Rudd goes back in time to put Leonardo Dicaprio on the path to superstardom; and finally, we break down the MPAA’s rating formula for allowable nudity: 1 nipple = PG-13, 2 nipples = R. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com  That’ll do it for this episode, folks. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I hear the band playing and the water’s starting to get a little too close for comfort, so I think I’ll just go chill on the bridge until this whole thing blows over.

Judge’s Report: (Officer Fridge on Scene) Responded to a call in Sector 2. Reports indicated a video store manager had been impersonating a Judge. I arrived on scene and found perp was still in process of his bad Judge impersonation. I immediately stunned perp and announced judgement: One Year, Iso-Cubes. Perp continued bad Judge impression. I sentenced perp to one additional year, Iso-Cubes. Perp continued to resist judgement. I proceeded to Nut-Stun perp. At this point the perp complied. Instructed Rookie, Janna, to assess the situation on site and assist in movie discussion of Dredd with witnesses Ryan, Mike, Cody, and now docile perp, Dave. Advised possible topics of discussion: Slo-Mo: The Most Cinematic Drug of All Time Karl Urban’s Oscar Worthy Jaw Acting Backdoor review of 1995’s Judge Dredd Also advised Rookie Janna to rate, review and subscribe wherever she gets her podcasts and to Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com End of Report. *Judge Fridge

Folks, let me give you a piece of advice; when your AdBlocker subscription is about to run out and you have a TV night planned for your employees - please remember to renew that thing immediately. You have no idea how mad people get when they’re forced to watch the same Fruity Pebbles commercial fifty seven times… I’m your host, Dave, and joining me as we rot our brains with some good old fashioned late 90s and early 2000s kids commercials are fellow tv-philes and recovering Waffle Crisp addicts, Mike, Jackie, and Ryan. Topics of discussion in this episode include a plea to the kids of the past to stop eating so much damn sugary cereal!!!; we long for the journalistic integrity of Nick News; and finally, we pour one out for AOL, the internet juggernaut of the 90s. Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com What are some of your childhood commercial favorites? Were you a Cookie Crisp kid or a Chips Ahoy! fan? Let us know, we wanna hear from ya. And if you want to watch along with us as we rot our brains on this episode, be sure to head over to YouTube to check out the best commercials that 1999 Nickelodeon and 2003 Toonami have to offer. That’ll do it for this episode, folks. Remember to include some non-sugary cereals in your breakfast routine once and a while, and for god’s sake, whatever you do, do NOT eat the Lunchables Burgers - they’re not as delicious as you think they are.

To anyone who finds this recording; I, David Snider, and the rest of the passengers on Spirit Airlines: Flight 32 are being held hostage! We were on our way to the Michael Bay Film Festival when our flight was hijacked by former Immortan of the Wasteland, Nick Hoof. I think we, and by we I mean the brave workers from Apocalypse Video - Ryan, Cody, and myself - will be okay; it’s the other passengers on the flight that I’m worried about. Nick has said that he’s going to subject us to one bad movie after another until his Immortan-hood is reinstated. And he’s starting us off with Passenger 57, which if you’re unaware, only holds a 30% rating on Rotten Tomatoes. Now, me and my guys are used to this kind of punishment, but the rest of these people…well, I’m not sure how long they’ll last. Please - give in to whatever crazy demands Nick has. I don’t know how much longer we have… Thankfully, Nick has graciously allowed us to record a podcast during his hijacking. So, with that in mind… Topics of discussion in this episode include an impromptu discussion on Passenger 57 - aka: Carnival 57 (Featuring 30 minutes of Plane Footage); Ryan can’t help himself from thirsting over Elizabeth Hurley; and finally, we rate John Cutter on his effectiveness as an anti-terrorism agent (Note: Getting a hostage killed within two minutes of revealing yourself is an automatic Fail). Be sure to rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com How do you think John Cutter ranks among the action heroes of the 90s? Let us know, we wanna hear from ya! That’ll do it for this impromptu episode recorded under duress. We’ll see you next time…assuming we make it out of this alive (I think I heard Nick say that Baby Geniuses is up next…God help us all!).

Apocalypse Video Bond-Cast Mission Dossier: The Target: 1979’s Moonraker Your Contacts: Apocalypse Video (M)anager - Dave Agents - Mike and Jackie Big Headed Henchman - Ryan Megalomaniacal Former Immortan - Nick Mission Objectives: Obtain the phone number for Drax’s “Henchmen Service”. Determine whether 1979 era Roger Moore would be accepted into Drax’s super race of “perfect human specimens”. Find and question the Double Take Pigeon. Additional Objectives: Rate, review and subscribe wherever you get your podcasts. You can also Follow Us on Twitter, Like Us on Facebook, or shoot us an email at apocalypsevideopod@gmail.com. Do you, like the children of the 1970s, wish a former Bond henchman would make their return as a Good Guy? If so, who, and would you be willing to participate in a mass letter writing campaign to the studio to make it happen? Let us know! The Apocalypse Video Bond Cast will return as we come back down to Earth with the more grounded…For Your Eyes Only.