The Roargasm: A Detroit Lions Podcast

I, Impossible Lomas, was not present for the recording of this episode, and I haven't listened to it yet, so I have no idea what kind of nonsense Uncle Brother and Deano got into. But rest assured it's silly and dead serious; absurd and insightful; probably involves at least one song parody and several bizarre tangents.And I assume there's at least some discussion of the Lions vengeful beatdown of the Cockmanders, who have truly fallen from grace. Anyhow, keep roaring, Roar Nation. The Lions are gonna need our collective roar power against the Sheaguls next week.

The Roar got outplayed, out-coached, and out-muscled, at home, by a team with a rookie QB.Are we flashing back to 2014? No, unfortunately. We're talking about right now.A few silver linings in what was otherwise a dark and dreary game and pod:--Arnold played his best game, with an interception and end-zone pass deflection--Only 93% of the oline is injured. The remaining 7% is ready to go!--World Wide Dock and Big Don joined Deano in Vegas for the pod!What else can we say? The Roar haven't lost two in a row in the D.C. era, so here's hoping they continue that run against the Cockmanders next week, who by the way got their cocks handed to them by the Cockboys/Cowgirls.Meanwhile, the Care Bears are 5-3 and pulled off a sweet trick play! We miss Ben Johnson. Johnny Morton is on super secret special probation, until further notice and at least two trick plays.Anyhow, let's keep roaring, Roar Nation. Even when it hurts, even when the People Mover is performing a lot like the actual People Mover, we must keep roaring!

Ever heard of Erick Hallett? Arthur Maulet? Tyrus fucking Wheat? Neither have we. Neither has anyone!And yet these unheralded, 5th, 6th, and 7th string guys stepped up and balled out, anchoring a Roar defense that held the Phuckaneers to a measly 9 points. Never mind that the Phucks were missing most of their offensive playmakers. Don't matter! Our D roared out and shut their assess down.Meanwhile, Sonic hit the sonic button and Gibbsploded all over the field, tearing up the Phucks legit D. Just as impressively, Lomas and Deano step up and roar out the pod absent Uncle Brother, who abandoned his country and, more importantly, the Lions to spend time with his daughter in fucking Europe. The Netherlands, specifically, which may not be an actual country, and definitely doesn't have an NFL team or any plans to host an NFL game. Pathetic.We also discuss:--Whether black guys can have mullets, and if so, how?--Assembling the world's greatest producers and recording engineers and booking out the world's most acoustically perfect studios to for once properly record a harmonized roar. Zoom just ain't getting it done.--What the hell we're gonna do during the Lions bye week ...--A bunch of other nonsense I can't remember.Until next time, Godspeed, Uncle Brother. And keep roaring, Roar Nation!

No roaring today, friends. For we have been laid low by a resurgent Queefs squad, whose demise was exaggerated. Mahomes was Mahomes. Bro can play QB. Our fucked up secondary, featuring guys we have never seen before, had no chance.The Roar offense got off to a strong start but then bogged down.Sun God dropped a pass! I repeat, Sun God dropped a pass. We couldn't believe it. HE couldn't believe it! It was that kinda game.Worst of all Lomastradamus's streak came to an end.And so we resort to one of our favorite pasttimes: inserting the word "roar" into as many Simon and Roarfunkle (and solo Simon) songs as possible. We do this for a while and thoroughly enjoy it.At least next week we're not going up against a top QB ... Oh, wait. Fuck. We're playing the Phukaneers and Baker Fuckfield, who's been on a hot streak. Roar?

This delightful episode begins with Uncle Brother and Deano mercilessly ripping into Lomas for being 30 minutes late to start the recording. Never mind that Lomas was on a call with a very important client! Never you mind what about. Lomas has a business to run!Anyhow, once we get past that nonsense, we celebrate the taking of Ohio! Between the Tigers vanquishing the Guardians (lame-ass name) and the Lions demolishing the Brown Stains and the Bungles/Bungholes, Ohio is now basically a post-apocalyptic territory, its major sports teams laid low, its people subjugated.We marvel at how bad the Bungles current QB is and at how it wasn't long ago that the BDC (before D.C.) Lions would have made Jake Browning look like Joe Montana. That shit used to happen on the regular. Now, we mercilessly beat the shit out of weak teams and make 3rd string QBs regret many of their life choices.We look ahead to a road war against the Queefs next Sunday night. Lomas predicts Roar 29 - Queefs 23. And so it shall be.Until then, keep roaring!

The most interesting thing about this mostly pedestrian win was Lomas once again predicting almost the exact score!The Browns D is as good as advertised, and Myles Garett is a beast. But no matter. The Lions did what they had to do to move the ball and shut down the Brown's offense without too much trouble.And so we meander through this episode. Not too much to say. Good to see Hutch rounding into form. Jared once again played mistake-free ball and got the job done. Sun God is Sun God. And so it's on to Cinci next week, where the Roar continue their march through Ohio, leaving devastation in their wake. We're confident the Lions will humiliate the BungHoles, who are without Joe Burrow and so without hope.Let's keep roaring!

Due to Rosh Hashanah (the least partying New Year of all New Years), we're a bit late to the game with this episode ...But holy roaring! What an incredible victory!Most of this episode is a blur, but we (of course) revel in the Roar's glorious road win against a really good Cravens team. What we beheld (even Deano, who got a special dispensation from Hashem to watch the game) was roarection-inducing to the nth degree. Dominant O-line play. Sonic and Knuckles galloping through gaping holes. Jared and Sun God making incredible shit look easy. A 7-sack sack-a-thon against one of the most evasive QBs of all time.The list goes on. And on. And we keep roaring!We look ahead to the Browns (no childish nickname needed), whose fearsome defense is real, but whatevs. We shall destroy them!After the Roar gets truly weird, where we imagine what football would look like if animals were allowed to play. A silverback gorilla at middle linebacker ... Why not? Let's make this happen.Keep roaring, Roar Nation!

The Roar has been restored!All it took was a 50+ ass whipping of the hapless Care Bears, who are in serious trouble if yet another QB ends up sucking you know what. Donkey balls. Just in case you didn't know.Deano regales us with delightful anecdotes and portraits from Ford Field, where he, World Wide Dock, and Big Don roared through the game in person. It was delightful indeed to see the offense roar once again. Jared was lights out and not slept on. Jamo outran the world and hauled in tow massive bombs. A Gibbsplosion was witnessed. The People Mover moved people. Sun God pridefully hauled in tres tuddies. We celebrate the Roar's first sack-a-thon, including Hutch getting on the board. Let's all roar at John Morton, who called a great game and most assuredly relished putting up a 50+ spot against the man he replaced. Speaking of whom, we like to think that maybe BJ is just a little bit regretting leaving the Roar for the Care Bears. It's a lot harder to look like an offensive genius when your QB's got a mouth full of donkey balls.Anyroar ... Next week we roar against the Cravens, whose offense is potent enough to dull our collective roarection. Lomas insanely picks the Roar to win ... and so they shall! ROAR!!!

Welcome to the 7th (!) season of The Roargasm!In this pre-season episode we go completely off the rails.Lomas gives Deano and Uncle Brother permission to kill him if, in old age, he shows signs of dementia. Which gives rise to a discussion of ways to commit suicide appropriate for roaraholics. We work through Uncle Brother's annual pre-season speed round, discussing everything from the Roar's projected record to whether we'll finally celebrate a Bowl victory (yes!) to whether Hutch will dominate (double yes!) and a bunch of other stuff.We end with the first roar of the season, followed by an aimless After-the Roar, featuring appearences by our alter-alter egos, the old NY Jewish ladies.This is it, fellow roaraholics! This is our time! Let's ROAR!

What's this? An offseason pod? Hell yeah! Deano, Uncle B, and Lomas are in peak offseason form for this low-energy episode. All we can really say is that Brad Holmes and DC have our unmitigated trust that they're making the right moves to shore up the D, stabilize the O line after the departure of Jonah Jackson, and generally keep things humming. Query: Is next season Super Bowl or bust? Will anything less than a Bowl appearance equate to a failure? Seems unfathomable, right? Yet, here we are. Another burning question: Is the new recording platform we're using roar-enabled? Listen to the end to find out!

Where to begin? With a newly revealed chapter of The Book of Jared, of course. Lomas was AT THE GAME and lived to tell the tale. Brad Johnson is coming back for another run at a chip! Anyway, there are basically two ways to look at what happened: 1) The Lions had the game in hand and blew it, squandering a chance to go to the GODDAMN SUPER BOWL!; 2) The Lions are still a year or so away and needed to go through the agony of defeat to take the next step. The Roargasm chooses route 2. Just like the Pistons in '87, the Roar will use the heartbreak of losing a game they should have won to fuel go into next season even hungrier, knowing they belong amongst the elite teams. We shall most likely pod again before the beginning of next season. But until then, thank you for roaring with us throughout what's been a truly incredible and historic season. Study the Book of Jared, offer thanks to Ben Johnson, and keep ROARING!

Ho hum. The Detroit Lions won another playoff game, at home against the Fuccaneers. No big deal, nothing to see here. EXCEPT THAT THE LIONS ARE PLAYING IN THE NFC CHAMPIONSHIP! We were the better team. We were at home. We were favored. And so of course we SHOULD have won. But damn, after 30 solid years of ineptitude and dashed dreams, it was hard to harbor too much hope. And yet here we are. On to San Fran, a very scary and formidable team against whom we have absolutely nothing to lose. Anything is possible. Possible is anything. Let's go! ROAR!!!!!!

It only took 30 years ... 3 solid decades of broken hopes and dreams ... multiple generations of roaraholics passing on the disease from father to son ... But, as God is our witness ... THE DETROIT LIONS WON A GODDAMN PLAYOFF GAME! Air-Low and Deano (all the way from the Holy Land!) phone in to help us process this historic moment. The game was about as good as it gets. Both teams balling out, doing their thing. Matty Staff was great, slinging no-look sidewinders all over the field. Jared was even better, remaining calm and collected throughout a really close game. Bottom line, Jared made the throws when it really mattered, leading the Lions to a fucking playoff victory. We're in uncharted territory now, people. The last time the Lions ventured into the mystical land known as the Second Round, they got smoked. Let us beseech the football gods to grant the Roar good fortune against the Fucaneers. Roar.

Yes, Lomas and Uncle Brother kept recording throughout the entire game. This one's for the truly hopeless roaraholics. Meaning anyone listening to this podcast. So, dive in, guys! See you on the other, glorious side!

Uncle Brother and Lomas make the pilgrimage to South Haven to witness the most important Lions game in 30 years. We do all we can to keep our shit together as game time approaches.

Recorded on a tropical Island, this infamous lost episode is finally unearthed and published! To recap, Lomas and Deano were in the British Virgin Islands for a Wallbrook-mandated Roar detox program. Which did not work, since we watched the Roar once again get jobbed in Dallas by the Cockboys and the worst reffing crew in the NFL. While Deano was away snorkeling, Lomas recorded from the beach with Uncle Brother, in the cold, windy (possibly also snowy) Chicagoland area. The idea was to record with Deano later, which never happened. Anyhow, we bemoan the Roar winning, then losing on a clearly fucked up call by the refs. We decide that, in the world of RAA and The Roargasm, the Lions won in Dallas. That's our story, and we're sticking with it. Inspired by the island setting, Lomas and UB invent the best TV show ever: Lions Fantasy Island. In each episode, roaraholics visit the island, met by a silver-haired Gary Danielson and a little person with the head of Wanye Fontes, to live out their Lions fantasies. But be careful what you wish for, as even the most hoped for Roar fantasy can--and will--have twists and turns you didn't see coming! Anyhow, if you're listening to this episode after the pre-playoff episode, might wanna stop and listen to that episode first, Actually, do what you want. You're a grown man (we have only male listeners, I'm nearly certain). Roar.

That's right! Lambs! That's what we think of the pretty boys from LA coming into OUR HOUSE in the D! Lomas has returned from the tropics, but Deano has once again set off, this time to Israel, to score some contraband Ejaculions. So, it's just Lomas and Uncle Brother this time. Until, that is, the bold entrance of none other than Air-Low! Like a wrestler storming the ring back in the days of Hillbilly Jim and The Iron Sheik! We somehow simultaneously look back to the win against the Cockrings AND ahead to the epic matchup against Matty Staff and the Lambs. Uncle Brother and Air Low tag team up to convince Lomas that the Roar are the better team and should win ... and Lomas submits! (Lomas, who, by the way, totally nailed the 12-5 regular season prediction.) Lomas and UB will convene in person in South Haven to watch the game, hoping that the scenic shores of Lake Michigan will help us somehow keep our shit together and our roaraholacism somewhat in check. Spoiler alert: It won't. So, let us ROAR together into the playoffs, and pray that the playoff gods grant Sam LaPorta a speedy recovery!

Welp, it only took 30 years, but the Roar are once again Kings in the North! Long live the King! The Roargasm crew celebrates the Roar marching into Minnesota and taking down the Cockrings. Yes, our donkey ball sucking D gave up big yards to their 12th string QB, but we also picked him off 4 times. That dude is an all-time chucker, as likely to throw a Kenny Wobbler as he is to thread a 30-yard strike for a TD. The offense, meanwhile, after a couple of shaky possessions, got going and did what they had to do against a very good defense. As benefiting a QB with a sacred book detailing his exploits, Jared was on fire, slicing and dicing and getting shit done. Gibbs and Monty continue to operate as a two-headed problem for opposing defenses. Anyhow, Roar Nation, all that really matters is that the Lions are division kings with a home playoff game in the bag. But can we win said playoff game? What if it's against Matty Staff and the Rams (still working on a cock-related moniker)? We'll deal with that insanity if/when need be. Until then, let us ROAR as one and celebrate this accomplishement! ROAR!!!!!!

This very special episode features a very special guest: the one and only Fantetti, he of the scalding hot takes and world-weary cynicism. Uncle Brother opens with a 100% factually accurate biography of Fantetti and how he came to spew a non-stop torrent of anti-Lions (and anti-Pistons) vitriol. But even Fantetti joins in as we celebrate the Lions beatdown of the Donkeys (our name for the Broncos--we couldn't come up with a name with "cock" in it. Sorry). A bit of controversy brews as Lomas and Fantetti team up to cast doubt on Jared's long-term future with the team, which we're aware may seem stupid in the wake of Jared's 5-TD, 0-INT performance. Lomas hammers home the point that the fate of this year's squad rests on the health of the O-line. We look ahead to the next game on the road against the Minnesota Cockrings (good one!), who apparently do not have a QB worth even a single shit. We end with an insanely ambitious 4-part roar, with mixed results, including a synth malfunction. Thanks once again to Fantetti for brining his mustache into the Roargasm arena, as well as his humor and for the fact that he had the Pistons game on in the background so he could watch loss #24 in a row while re recorded. Good times!

We open with a return to the traditional serenity prayer, followed by a fiery sermon from Deano, chastising Roar Nation for having been seduced by false football god and having the vanity to believe that the Roar had truly been restored. We ponder the mystery of the Lions current swoon. Is it the O Line? Is it Jared? Have other teams figured out a way to stymie our formerly fearsome offense? Other than Gibbs ripping off some nice runs and the Roar coming alive in the second quarter, there's not much else to dwell on. Nothing good, anyhow. The Pistons, meanwhile, are now 2-20 and have lost 19 in a row. Tough times in the D. roar