Addiction Unlimited Podcast

You’ve put a lot of time and energy into trying to quit drinking. And yet, somehow, you keep ending up right back where you started. You’ve listened to the podcasts, downloaded the worksheets, tried the challenges, and maybe even joined a recovery community or two. And still, you can’t stay sober. So naturally, you start wondering if you just haven’t found the right program yet. But here’s something that might change the way you look at your recovery. The program isn’t the deciding factor. YOU are. I’ve been sober for 20 years, and I’ve spent those 20 years in AA. I love it. And I love all the other programs, too. I love the people, the laughter, the support, and everything I’ve learned. And,  AA doesn’t have a monopoly on recovery. A program can give you the tools, the structure, the people, and the support. But YOU have to decide what you’re going to do with all of it. And we’re also going to talk about something that might ruffle a few feathers: the difference between a program that genuinely isn’t right for you and one that simply makes you uncomfortable. Because those are not the same thing. In this episode, we’re talking about why choosing a recovery program doesn’t have to be so complicated, what actually moves you from not drinking into real recovery, and why you might be spending more time evaluating your options than actually using them. If you’ve been searching for the thing that’s finally going to make sobriety click, this is a conversation you’ll want to hear.   Links mentioned in this episode:  Is Angela the right Coach for you? Book A Call Here to find out : addictionunlimited.com/call Related Episode:  You’re Not Doing the Work – You’re Just Watching Other People Do It Follow me on Instagram: @addictionunlimited Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/addictionunlimited     Prefer to read instead of listen? Here’s the full transcript of this episode. Angela (00:20.718) Hello, my friend. Welcome back to Addiction Unlimited. I’m your coach, Angela Pugh. Can you get sober without AA? Absolutely. 100%. You can get sober with AA, without AA, with a therapist, with a coach, with an online community, or with any number of different programs and resources. And you can also participate in every single one of those things. And continue drinking. Because here’s something I want you to understand. The program isn’t the deciding factor. You are. And this is something we don’t talk about nearly enough in the recovery world. People are constantly searching for the thing that’s finally gonna make them stop drinking. Angela (01:16.236) The perfect program, the perfect meeting, the perfect podcast, the perfect approach that somehow makes everything click. And I understand that. When you’re struggling with alcohol, you are desperate for something to work. And if you’ve been trying to quit drinking for a while, you know how frustrating this can be. You find something that sounds Promising, you get excited, you feel motivated, you think maybe this is finally going to be the thing that helps you stop drinking. And then somehow you end up right back where you started. So you start looking for the next thing. But what if the problem isn’t that you haven’t found the right program? What if there’s something else happening that you haven’t even recognized yet? If you’ve been trying to quit drinking for months or years and you keep finding yourself right back where you started, this is a conversation you’ll want to hear. I’ve worked with thousands of people over the years, and one thing I see constantly is people moving from one solution to the next. They listen to all the sobriety podcasts, they sign up for free challenges, they download the worksheets, they join online communities, they try the 30-day reset, the 90-day challenge, the year-long things, a new course, a new method, and they continue drinking. Then they decide whatever they tried didn’t work. So they go looking for something else. And listen, I’m a coach. I have courses. I have a recovery community. I have resources and worksheets. I believe in these things because I’ve seen how incredibly valuable they can be. And I’m 20 years sober with zero relapses. Obviously, my way works. I know exactly what it takes to stay sober and recovery. Angela (03:14.486) I know exactly what it takes to stay sober and recover. I also know what all these resources and programs can’t do. They can’t make your decisions for you. They can’t make you tell the truth. They can’t make you show up when you don’t feel like showing up. They can’t make you change your routine or have difficult conversations or take responsibility for the choices you’re making. They can give you information, structure, education, accountability, and support. But you have to use those things. You have to make the decision not to drink. And then you have to keep making decisions throughout your day that support that decision. You either make choices that move you closer to sobriety or you make choices that keep you connected to drinking. And those choices add up. Now, I’m not saying it’s easy. Addiction is complicated. There are physical and psychological, emotional, behavioral components, and some people need different components as part of their recovery. But there’s a difference between needing help and expecting help to do everything for you. A program can support your recovery. Angela (04:40.448) A program can support your recovery. It can’t build your recovery for you. Angela (05:07.308) And if you’re constantly looking for a different program instead of examining what you’re doing with the resources you already have, then no program is going to work for you, right? And this is why people put entirely too much emphasis on which program they’re going to choose, because they start believing that if they can just find the right one, everything will finally fall into place. But that’s not how any of this works. You can sit in an AA meeting every single day and continue drinking. You can hire an incredible coach and ignore every single suggestion they make. You can join the greatest recovery community on the planet and never participate. You can buy all the courses, download all the resources, and listen to every podcast available. And none of it has to change a single thing about your life because information. Isn’t transformation. What you do with the information is what changes your life. And that’s true no matter which program you choose. Angela (06:19.412) Here’s something else I’ve noticed. People will spend an extraordinary amount of time researching recovery programs. They’re comparing philosophies, reading reviews, listening to other people’s opinions, and trying to figure out which approach is going to be the best fit. And there’s nothing wrong with learning about your options, right? But at some point, all that research and evaluating can become another way to procrastinate, another way to avoid actually getting started. Because as long as you’re still deciding, you don’t have to commit. You don’t have to walk into a room full of strangers. You don’t have to tell anybody what’s going on. You don’t have to rearrange your schedule or make uncomfortable changes. You can just keep looking for the perfect solution. And because you’re doing something related to sobriety, it feels productive. But researching recovery isn’t the same thing as participating in recovery. And I think people get those two things confused all the time. You don’t have to figure out which program you’re going to attend for the rest of your life. You don’t have to understand every principle or agree with every concept before you begin. You just need a place to start. And if you don’t like where you start, you can change it. You’re an adult. You get to make decisions. But you have to stop treating the decision about where you’re going to sit. as though it’s more important than what you’re actually willing to do once you get there. Because it’s not. Now let’s talk about the things that actually matter, because there are certain qualities and behaviors that are fundamental to building lasting recovery. And these things don’t belong to AA. They don’t belong to recovery Dharma or Smart Recovery or a therapist or a sobriety coach. They’re things you have to bring to the table, no matter what recovery approach you choose. And the first one is honesty. Angela (08:26.006) Rigorous honesty. If there’s one principle I believe is absolutely fundamental to recovery, it’s honesty. And not just being honest with other people, I’m talking about being honest with yourself. Angela (08:59.235) You have to be willing to identify the reality of your situation. If you cannot drink alcohol without creating problems in your life, you have to acknowledge that. Not negotiate with it, not minimize it, not keep searching for some magical set of circumstances where drinking will suddenly become manageable. You have to stop lying to yourself about what’s happening. You have to be honest that you need support. And yes, I know you might be independent. I know you’re smart and successful and perfectly capable of handling all kinds of difficult things in your life. But being capable doesn’t mean you don’t need help. You have to be honest that you’re not perfect. You have to be honest that recovery requires time and effort. And if you constantly blow off recovery activities because something more convenient or interesting comes along, you need to be honest about that too. Don’t tell yourself you’re doing everything you possibly can when you’re not. Don’t confuse thinking about sobriety with actually working on sobriety. And one of the biggest things, you have to get honest about who you actually are versus who you want everyone to think you are. Because a lot of people out here are more invested in protecting their image. Them protecting their future. And at some point, you have to decide which one matters more. Are you committed to getting sober? Or a

Okay, real question. Have you ever wanted someone to grab breakfast with, or take a class with, and then realized… you honestly don’t know who you’d ask? Yeah. Why is making friends as an adult so damn awkward—and where are you supposed to meet people? It gets even weirder when you quit drinking. You might still love your friends, but you don’t want to spend every Saturday night watching them get drunk. You want people you can laugh with, and conversations you’ll actually remember the next morning. You just have no clue where those people are hiding. And if you’re an introvert like me, someone telling you to “just put yourself out there” probably makes you want to throw your coffee at them. I get it. I love being home. I need a lot of alone time. I will never be the girl who walks into a room with her hand out, ready to chat everybody up. But I’ve also learned that when I’ve gone days without talking to a real human, I need connection too. And I had to learn how to do that without alcohol. In this episode, I take you back to my early days in AA, when my anxiety was so bad I’d grab the corner seat and slip out early so nobody could talk to me. I wanted so badly to stay sober and be comfortable, but I was doing everything I could to be invisible. So I made a deal with myself to start changing my patterns, and my first step was a lot smaller than starting a conversation. I also had to admit something kind of embarrassing: people weren’t approaching me in life because I wasn’t approachable. Head down, sunglasses on, earbuds in, nose in my phone. Apparently that doesn’t say “come say hi.” Who knew? 😂 I’ll tell you how I made two friends, one from my gym and one from a tarot class (yes, really). We’ll also talk about where to meet people, what to actually say, how you go from “hey, good to see you” to “want to grab breakfast?”, and what to do when someone says no. You don’t have to turn into an extrovert. You just have to let people get to know you. And then you can go home and put your sweatpants on. 💛 Links mentioned in this episode:  Sober Society Membership: addictionunlimited.com/membership Book A Call Here: addictionunlimited.com/call Related Episode:  Guaranteed Results When Your Social Life Is Stalled Follow me on Instagram: @addictionunlimited Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/addictionunlimited     Prefer to read instead of listen? Here’s the full transcript of this episode. Hello, my friend. Welcome back to another episode of the Addiction Unlimited podcast. I’m your coach, Angela Pugh. Today we’re talking about something that can feel surprisingly difficult when you quit drinking: making friends. Because where the hell are adults supposed to meet people? You’re a grown-up. You have responsibilities and routines in a life that’s already pretty full. You’re not sitting next to somebody in school every day or Living down the hall from a hundred other people who are also looking for something to do on Friday night. And when you take alcohol out of the picture, you may realize you don’t know what your social life looks like anymore. Maybe you still love your friends, but you don’t want to spend every weekend doing the things you used to do together. Maybe you want someone to have breakfast with or go for a walk, take a class, or have a conversation you’ll actually remember the next day. You want connection. You just don’t know where to start. Angela (01:23.47) And if you’re an introvert or you’ve relied on alcohol to feel comfortable around people, the advice to just put yourself out there probably makes you want to throw something. So today we’re going to get more specific than that. Where do you go? How do you get past the anxiety? What do you say? And how do you build friendships without the liquid courage of alcohol, turning you into an outgoing person who wants to talk to everybody? And I promise you, this is all possible because I am an extreme introvert. And if I can figure this out, you definitely can. Alone time is a requirement for me. And I require a little more of it than most people do. I also have anxiety. It’s gotten better as I’ve gotten older, but it’ll never be completely gone. So I will never be the person. Angela (02:24.792) So I will never be the person who walks into a room with my hand out, like ready to shake hands and introduce myself and make small talk. I would literally rather die. Now, if somebody starts a conversation with me and we connect, I can talk all day long. I think sometimes people confuse introversion with being shy or insecure, uncomfortable with yourself. Those aren’t interchangeable things. I’m very confident. I just don’t enjoy large groups and small talk. Angela (03:10.304) If I’m surrounded by conversations that don’t interest me, I’m probably gonna be quiet because I’m bored to tears. And eventually I’ll fake a headache and get the hell out of there. But when I feel safe with somebody, when I can open up and laugh and have a meaningful conversation, I’m happy to let that person in my bubble. And I know a lot of you understand that because a lot of my clients are introverts too. Angela (03:42.124) You enjoy being home, you like your space, you don’t want plans every night of the week, and a canceled invitation sometimes feels like a little gift from the universe. You can enjoy all of that and still need friends. For me, I can usually tell when I need connection because I start getting irritable, right? I’m working too much, I’m getting overtired, I’m spending too much time in my own little world. And it doesn’t always announce itself like Angela, you’re lonely. Sometimes it shows up as me needing to get away from my work and connect and laugh with somebody who knows me. Angela (04:34.062) Mm mm. Angela (04:42.552) For me, I can usually tell when I need connection because I start getting irritable, right? I’m working too much, I’m overtired, and I’m just spending way too much time in my own little world. And it doesn’t announce itself. It’s not like all of a sudden my head goes, Angela, you’re lonely. No, it’s usually that. Angela (05:07.318) No, it’s usually that I find myself being bitchy, like every little thing is irritating the shit out of me. And then I have to go through my checklist, right? Halt, hungry, angry, lonely, tired. That’s always where I start. And I’ll realize, like, holy shit, you know, it’s been three days and I haven’t had human contact. So Angela (05:32.992) I need soul food. Connection is soul food. Time with friends I can open up with and be myself. I also know my limits. There’s only so much being out of the house and being around people I can comfortably do in a week. I will hit my limit of being in public and I need to go home and recharge in peace and sweatpants. But that’s the kind of social life I want you thinking about building, one that gives you connection and fits who you actually are. Angela (06:07.924) And there’s a part of this conversation where we have to get honest about our own behavior, right? Because when someone tells me like, I don’t have any sober friends, my first response is, well, you have to go where the sober people are and say hi, right? A bus full of sober people isn’t gonna show up at your house and ask to be your friend. They’re not coming down your street with a breakfast reservation and a seat saved for you. You have to participate. And I say that with love because we can’t stay home all the time. Bitch about how much we hate people and then whine when we don’t have friends and fun things to do. Pick a fucking lane. It’s one or the other. You either hate the people or you want things to do and have friends. You are perfectly allowed to be a homebody. You can prefer quiet evenings in a small circle. There’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’re unhappy with how disconnected you feel, you have to look at your decisions and figure out if you’re really trying to make connections at all. If you decline every invitation, never go anywhere new, and leave every activity before anyone has a chance to talk to you, those choices affect your opportunities to make friends. Own that. Mm. Angela (07:39.914) You don’t control whether a particular person becomes your friend. You do have control over whether you make room to meet people and get to know them. And this matters when we talk about social activities and drinking and anxiety. A lot of people tell me that feeling anxious around others was one of the main reasons they drank. Social situations. Everybody thinks they’re unique that they have social anxiety. You’re not unique. Almost all of us have it, right? It’s one of the ways alcohol traps us. Alcohol was how you walked into the party, started the conversation, or stopped worrying about what everyone else thinks of you. It allows you to feel like you belong and you’re connected. When you quit drinking, those situations feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. I understand why you’d want to avoid them. But if you keep waiting until you feel completely comfortable before you do anything, you could be waiting a very long time. Angela (08:44.684) You really need a manageable place to start. And I mean manageable for you. When I first started going to AA, my anxiety was so bad, I could barely function. I mean, obviously I was brand new sober. I just quit drinking. I’m still in withdrawal and post-acute withdrawal. But I couldn’t not go just because my anxiety was an asshole. I needed to be there. And I knew it would never get easier if I didn’t challenge myself. Right, because if you left it up to me and my introverted anxious self, I would find the most corner y corner seat in the room, preferably where somebody could not sit next to me. Angela (09:29.398) I wouldn’t talk to anyone, and I might leave a little early to make absolutely sure I escaped before the small talk started. Not because I didn’t want connection. I wanted to feel comfortable with those people, but my anxiety was unbearable. And avoidin

Why do recovery communities tell you not to date or make major life changes during your first year sober? Because getting sober isn't just about learning how to live without alcohol. It's about learning how to handle your feelings without it. And when you're newly sober, those feelings can be ALL OVER THE PLACE. You're dealing with boredom, loneliness, insecurity, and a whole lot of emotions you may not even know how to identify yet. Then someone comes along, and suddenly life feels exciting again! But dating brings its own emotional roller coaster. Rejection, jealousy, uncertainty, disappointment, and heartbreak can be overwhelming when you're still learning how to manage everyday life without drinking. In this episode, we're talking about why dating in early sobriety can be especially challenging, why major life changes can threaten your stability, and how giving yourself time to build confidence and coping skills can make all the difference. Because the goal isn't to avoid big feelings. It's to learn how to handle them without alcohol.

About to give up, reach for a drink, or follow the same old pattern? Angela shares how a split-second choice can change your direction—and why the victory starts before you know the outcome.

How do you know if you actually have a drinking problem? You make rules about when you’ll drink. You negotiate how many you’re going to have. You promise yourself tonight will be different. You replay last night trying to figure out exactly what happened. You take breaks, make new rules, Google questions, take quizzes, compare yourself to other people—and somehow alcohol keeps requiring more and more of your attention. At some point, that’s worth looking at. In this episode of Addiction Unlimited, we’re getting away from arbitrary drinking counts and labels and looking at something far more revealing: your actual relationship with alcohol. In this episode, we’re getting away from labels and arbitrary drinking counts and looking at something far more useful: your actual relationship with alcohol. Is it really a drinking problem? The surprisingly revealing question that has nothing to do with how much or how often you drink Why taking 30 days off alcohol may not prove what you think it proves The difference between having a plan for the night and actually being in control of what happens When researching your drinking stops giving you answers—and starts becoming part of the answer And after all the research, analyzing and comparing—you already have enough information—you just have to be willing to do something with it. Because sometimes the amount of work you’re doing to prove alcohol isn’t a problem tells you more than another quiz ever will. You don’t have to decide what to call yourself today. You don’t need the perfect label or one more piece of evidence. You can simply acknowledge that your relationship with alcohol isn’t working anymore—and let that be enough truth to take the next step.   Links mentioned in this episode:  Book A Call Here: addictionunlimited.com/call Sober Society Membership: addictionunlimited.com/membership Related Episode:  Why Am I An Alcoholic – the Bio-Psycho-Social Truth About Addiction Follow me on Instagram: @addictionunlimited Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/addictionunlimited     Prefer to read instead of listen? Here’s the full transcript of this episode. 455 Transcript Angela (00:07.374) Hello, my friend. Welcome back to the Addiction Unlimited podcast. I’m your coach, Angela Pugh. How do I know if I actually have a drinking problem? This is probably one of the most common questions people ask themselves when they start getting uncomfortable with their drinking. Am I really an alcoholic? Do I actually have a problem? Or am I just drinking a little too much right now? Maybe I just need to cut back. Maybe I need to take a break.Maybe I should stop drinking during the week and only drink on weekends. We will create an entire strategic plan around drinking before we’ll sit down and ask ourselves the most obvious question. What the hell is going on with me and alcohol? And here’s the first thing I want you to understand. I am not going to give you a diagnostic quiz today. I’m not interested in do you drink X number of drinks on X number of nights? Have you had X number of consequences? Check seven boxes and congratulations, here’s your label. That’s not how I look at this. And I never tell people. Angela (01:52.102) And I never tell people they’re alcoholics. First of all, way too many people can’t handle that word. We have some very delicate sensitivities these days. And I’m a little different about that stuff. I am a no BS human. Tell me the truth so I can figure out the solution. I don’t need you to beat around the bush or hold my hand or find the softest, prettiest language possible. If I’m trying to fix a major problem in my life, I just let’s get on with it. I don’t particularly care what we call it. I care about how I’m fucking up and what I need to do to stop fucking up. I also understand that not everybody feels that way. So when somebody says to me, I don’t know if I’m an alcoholic, I think maybe I just drink too much sometimes. The first thing I notice is that they’re asking the question. at all because that tells me something has shifted. Angela (03:02.24) You are questioning your connection with alcohol because somewhere along the way you felt that relationship start to change. You probably can’t even pinpoint exactly when it happened. You just know you’re thinking about alcohol more than you used to. You’re relying on it in ways you didn’t before. You’re planning around it, recovering from it, wondering about it, worrying about it. And there’s this little voice in the back of your head saying. Something about this doesn’t feel right anymore. And that’s usually when we start asking the question. Then here’s what happens next. Almost immediately after someone tells me they’re wondering if they have a drinking problem, they start giving me all the reasons they don’t. I don’t drink every day. I’ve never had a DUI, I don’t drink in the morning, I have a good job, my kids are taken care of, I don’t hide bottles, I can go days without drinking. And I’m just listening. Because here’s the thing: if an idea is completely preposterous to you. You don’t have to build a defense against it. If somebody said to me, Angela, I think you might secretly be a six foot four professional basketball player. I’m not gonna spend the next three hours Googling the average height of WNBA players and gathering evidence to prove I’m not, right? I’m gonna say that’s absurd. And then I’m gonna move on with my life. When something happens, Clearly doesn’t apply to us. We don’t usually have to convince ourselves that it doesn’t apply. So when you’ve built an entire defense around why you’re definitely not an alcoholic, I’m interested in why you need the defense in the first place. And I think part of the reason people fight this so hard is because they’re not only fighting a conclusion about alcohol. Angela (05:07.69) They’re fighting what they believe that conclusion says about them. To a lot of people, the word alcoholic means, I’m not even really sure, weak, I guess, broken, irresponsible, a bad parent, a bad partner, a failure, somebody who can’t get their shit together. So sometimes when you’re fighting the possibility that you’re an alcoholic, you’re not even protecting alcohol. You’re protecting your identity. You’re saying I’m successful, I’m responsible, I’m a good person, I take care of my family. I’m not that. And somewhere along the way, you’ve decided that being a person with an alcohol problem is incompatible with all those other things. I don’t see it that way at all. I wear the label alcoholic as a badge of honor. Angela (06:06.112) I wear the label alcoholic as a badge of honor. I have a tremendous amount of pride in being an alcoholic because to me, the word represents something I survived, confronted, and overcame. I’ve dealt with something that most people aren’t equipped to handle, recognize, and least of all have the balls to actually do something about it. And I’ve always been a little different in that way. Even when I was drinking, I knew I was an alcoholic. There was nothing normal about how I drank. But I lived in Los Angeles for many, many years. There were sober people everywhere, successful people, powerful people, celebrities. I had plenty of evidence around me that being sober didn’t mean your life was over, and being an alcoholic didn’t mean you were a loser, right? So I wore my alcoholism as a badge of honor. Angela (07:12.556) What embarrassed me wasn’t that I was an alcoholic. What embarrassed me was that I couldn’t handle my life. I was high functioning too. I could work, I made money, I could show up and perform and take care of all the things. But emotionally, I wasn’t growing. I couldn’t cope with my own feelings. I wasn’t advancing in life. Like I was just stuck. And drinking was the thing I used. So I didn’t have to deal with any of it. That’s why I’m not particularly interested in convincing anyone to use the word alcoholic. I love the label. You don’t have to. The label isn’t the fucking point, right? The point is what is actually happening in your life, and are you willing to tell yourself the truth about it? Because I think one of the reasons people stay. Angela (08:20.962) Because one of the reasons people stay confused about this for so long is that we’re looking in the wrong place. We’re obsessed with quantity. How many drinks do I have? How many nights a week do I drink? How many drinks does an alcoholic have? Can an alcoholic go days without drinking? Can an alcoholic only drink on weekends? Can an alcoholic do dry January? And those questions can give you information for sure. But they don’t tell me nearly as much as people think they do. I want to know about your relationship with alcohol. How much mental real estate is it taking up? How much of your time is spent thinking about drinking, planning drinking, actually drinking, or recovering from drinking? Because I had three stages of life. I was thinking about it, doing it, or recovering from it. There wasn’t much room for anything else. And that’s what I want you to look at in your own life, because maybe you don’t drink every day, but you’re thinking about it every day. Maybe you’re making rules about when you can drink, breaking the rules, creating new rules, counting drinks, checking how much wine is left before people come over, wondering whether you need another bottle just in case. Angela (09:40.748) Maybe you wake up the next morning trying to reconstruct the night before. Like, how many did I have? Was it five or was it six? Did anybody notice? Was I too loud? Did I say anything stupid? And then by afternoon, you’re already negotiating with yourself about tonight. I’m not drinking tonight. Except you’re going out. So maybe you’ll have two. You’ll be good tonight. You’ll drink water between drinks, you’ll leave early. And now you’re conducting a forensic investigation into Friday night while simultaneously negotiating the terms of Saturday night. Look at how much work