Marriage Family & Peace

In this episode, we discuss the benefits of gardening and how it can be therapeutic for us and our families!

How might a couple be unequally yoked? How will you notice if the person your dating is going to be different, once you are married? These are questions that we discuss on this podcast episode. 

The concept of not giving children consequences is growing in popularity. In this episode we discuss if it is a good idea to give children consequences. We also discuss tips on how to give the consequences. 

What happens when your spouse misses social cues? How do you interpret that? What do you do if you are the one who is missing social cues in your relationship? What approach do you have? We don't have all the answers, but we are happy to share our thoughts and ideas on our situation. 

This episode describes ideas about how to adjust to each other as newlyweds. 

Jesus, Ghandi, and Mother Teresa all said the same thing. When he lose ourselves, we find ourselves; when we find ourselves, we lose ourselves. There are two types of marriages. The unhappy type where two people constantly demand that the other person meets their needs. The happy type where two people stop thinking about themselves and enjoy loving and caring for the other person. 

Managing the anxiety of an affair can be difficult. In this episode we don't discuss how restoring trust can decrease the anxiety. We discuss how decreasing the anxiety can decrease the anxiety. Trust will be independent of decreasing the anxiety. 

Will your husband change when he understands how much something hurts you? Sometimes a husband is not aware that something he is doing is hurting you. Letting him know helps him become aware and helps him know that he needs to change an action. Some actions can be changed very quickly. Others take time to change. Some actions are multifaceted and require changes on multiple levels. These actions require effort, introspection, and trial and error. Just because your husband did not change right away, might not mean that he doesn't love you and doesn't care if you're hurt. It might mean that he is trying to change, but it is taking trial and error on his part. Instead of explaining over and over again how his actions hurt you, it may be helpful to try to understand why he is doing what he is doing. Guys tend to not be as introspective or as deep as women. If he tells you that he doesn't know, it is probably because he doesn't. Oftentimes men learn by doing. As he attempts to change the behavior, the understanding about why he cannot will become clearer. You seeking to understand why he wasn't able to perform a task accomplishes two things. The first thing it does, is it lends to helping you have empathy for your husband's failings. The second thing it does, is it requires your husband to be introspective. As he is being introspective, he will gain a better understanding of what he needs to change about himself. Don't think your husband will be as introspective as you can be. Men tend to be a lot simpler in the way they create meaning of the world. This doesn't mean that their understanding won't work. Simple understanding can create movement just as easily as complex understanding can. 

A lot of ladies are external processors. They need to talk things out in order to make sense of the emotions and thoughts they have in their mind. Sometimes ladies will bring up things from the past, not because they want to hurt their husband, but because it reminds them about something that is going on in the present and they are trying to make sense of it.  A lot of husbands have a desire to be good at being a husband. When the wife comes to them to talk about a problem, they often feel like the wife is signaling that they are doing a bad job. This results in the husband getting instantly defensive. When this happens, the conversation goes awry and the wife is not able to talk through and organize her thoughts.  If the husband can refrain from thinking that the wife is signaling that he is a bad husband, then he can do a better job at listening to his wife. If he can ask her questions about how she is feeling/thinking this can help her organize her thoughts. When she feels like her emotions are valid and her thoughts are organized, then she can put the thoughts to bed by coming up with a quick solution.  This pattern of interaction doesn't apply to everyone. People are different. Not every lady is an external processor. This situation does happen enough that I thought I'd mention it on this podcast. 

Jesus is the author of Christianity. He indicated that his "yoke is easy" and his "burden is light." When going to church starts to stress us out, it is probably more about what we are thinking and less about what God is thinking.  There aren't too many commandments to follow. Jesus indicated that the greatest commandments are to "love God and love our neighbor." When we start to feel smothered and restricted by the commandments, maybe our feelings of hardship are due to the way we are thinking about it.  If religion is making us feel anxious and stressed out, maybe we need to change the way we are looking at it. 

I really look up to the customers that come in to see me for counseling. They are resilient, hard-working, and very smart. I'm being honest about that. I think they are great people. For whatever reason, we all tend to be on our A-game when we are by ourselves, but when our partner is involved we get tangled up in our emotions and we lose track of our senses. This segment is about common ways that we try to solve marriage problems. They do not work, but we try to make them work anyway. 

This episode contains some dos and dont's with kids and divorce. Suggestions about what helps the kids and what harms the kids in a post divorce situation. 

Sometimes we forget that fun is an important part of life. Without adding a little spice, we can become depressed, bored, and irritable. This sometimes results in unhealthy outlets. It is much better to find fun and wholesome ways to enjoy life, than to fall into an unhealthy outlet. Each person needs a different amount of spice in their life. Sometimes resentment can build up if we stifle our spouse from seeking out the wholesome fun that they crave. We often forget that fun is a necessary part of our spouse's mental health.  https://anchor.fm/marriagefamilypeace/message

When you are trying to understand your partner, it helps to try and see the world through their eyes. This is done by trying to put yourself in your partner's shoes and then trying to understand what it is like to walk around in them. Your not only trying to feel what it is like, you are trying to understand their reasoning behind their choices and actions. When you can understand the reasoning behind their choices and actions, then your partner will open up to you at a deeper level. Once they feel understood at a deep level, it will be easier for them to want to understand you. 

In this episode we discuss why addictions take away freedom and how to get it back. We discuss how people use addictions to overcome depression and how to overcome depression without the use of addictions. 

We all are biased towards something or someone. Sometimes we are biased towards ourselves. We tend to overestimate our abilities and benevolence. Oftentimes we do this while we underestimate the benevolence of others in our family. If this happens we can build up resentment. This resentment results in us becoming irritated towards our family members which results in our family members withdrawing form us. The withdrawing can confirm our assumptions that the family member is not as invested as we are.

It's never a good idea to tolerate abuse. No one wants to get yelled at or put down. It is up to you to decide what to do when someone is hurtful. You can leave the conversation, leave the home, or leave the relationship. You cannot change the other person, no matter how hard you try. They can change themselves. If they don't want to change themselves, they do not have to. It is their choice. If you don't want to stand and listen to someone yell at you, you can leave. You also have a choice. There are consequences to those choices. Only you and God and decide what decision is right for you. 

Liza told a story about her brother, who worked as a butler. He was beat and yelled at. He was not given his salary, even though he worked there for a year. His boss ended up experiencing some painful karma. His skin started pealing off his body and he became infested with ants. He was in a lot of pain, but he couldn't die. He sought for her brother and asked him for forgiveness. Her brother forgave him and then he promptly died. Karma is not kind. 

Liza told a story about being upset at a local facility. She did not attend services and they made her pay because she did not withdraw in a method that they accepted. When she reversed it in her mind and she decided she was making a donation, her anger went away.  When we have a problem and we redefine it as a solution, the body relaxes and lets go of anger.  If my spouse is demanding that I fold the laundry in a specific way and I do it out of obligation, I might feel angry because I am framing the situation as a problem. If I choose to fold the laundry her specific way because I enjoy doing acts of love, I might feel joy because I am framing the situation as an act love. 

There are some troubles that come up when your kid has a cellphone. Kids can receive constant texts and phone calls from friends, requesting emotional support. Although being supportive is good, it was wear a person down emotionally if there are not any breaks taken. Kids should also be aware of the dangers of sexting and sextortion.