The Reactionaries: An Action Movie Podcast

The boys are back with an episode recorded in person! They take a look at Street Fighter (1994) and ask themselves questions about destiny, megalomaniacal dictators, the amount of cocaine done by JCVD and, of course, NFL football? There was a good movie somewhere in here, but poor Steven E. de Souza (Die Hard, Commando) got hemmed in by Jean-Claude Van Damme's insanity.  This movie is for rent on YouTube, and next week's movie is for rent everywhere... F9! We return to our friends, the Torettos, and the dumbest crew on the face of the earth... and also, off the face of the earth!

The boys are back in town, with Robert Patrick, Alyssa Milano, Alyssa Milano's ex-boyfriend and the Chairman from Iron Chef: America! Nintendecember rolls on with Double Dragon, one of the few movies we do that the actors don't universally hate. In this, we explore if Alyssa Milano is one of the most sadistic villains in movie history, what exactly Bo Abobo is supposed to be, what the different gangs of New Angeles stand for, and the Hollywood sign conspicuously being 10 feet above sea level. Next time we will take on Street Fighter!  Double Dragon is on YouTube, for free. Just search for it. It's right there! You can read about how many days of the week there are here.

The Boys return with their end-of-year run through bad video game movies. This week they take on Uwe Boll's 2005 uh... masterpiece(?)... BloodRayne. In this flick, Rayne is a half-vampire who needs to break out of the tutorial and go on several quests for in-game items before defeating the final boss... Ben Kingsley! This movie has two Reactionaries alums, Michael Madsen (L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve) and Michelle Rodriguez (Fast & Furious franchise, The Assignment), with Rodriguez doing her best and Madsen doing... well, nothing. It also has Meat Loaf with a gaggle of Romanian prostitutes and a great diet plan. BloodRayne is sitting on YouTube, for free, as is next week's movie... Double Dragon (1994)! A dystopic future thriller that definitely isn't just The Medallion again, plus... Alyssa Milano's pants and Robert Patrick as a guy named "Koga Shuko."

Jeff and Joe kontemplate the ikonik 1997 klassic, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. This is the story of a group of aktors who did not want to rekreate their roles as Earth's Greatest Fighters, and instead did much kleverer things with their kareers. Instead, karacters were all played by a small group of aktors, since wearing masks makes it work. Plus, this was the movie debut of the man behind one of the most iconic sci-fi characters of all-time! This kinematic masterpiece... wait that one doesn't work... is on HBO Max.  Next week's movie, BloodRayne (2005) is sitting there, for free, on YouTube. It stars two Reactionaries friends: Michelle Rodriguez, and Michael Madsen.

The Boys are back after one of us tried to become a spooky scary ghost and get sick. So, no Slender Man this month, only Thir-thirteen-en Ghosts! This is a "remake" of a movie from 1960, but all they took were the ghosts and the glasses. Everything else is basically just a bunch of people wandering around a glasshouse filled with spooky scaries. Thirteen Ghosts stars Tony Shalhoub, Shannon Elizabeth, F. Murray Abraham, and the incomparable Matthew Lillard as a lunatic psychic exploring a house slash devil machine. The boys answer questions like "was the little boy's murder a cover up?", "did Bobby kill his mother?", "why does Satan need a failsafe?" and of course, the question that plagues us all: "why is there a squish room?" and the question we ask most frequently: "WHO IS F. MURRAY ABRAHAM'S RUSE FOR?!" Thirteen Ghosts is on HBO Max. The rest of the year will be spent on video game movies! In Nintendovember and Nintendecember, will explore Mortal Kombat: Annihilation (1997, HBO Max), BloodRayne (2005, YouTube), Double Dragon (1994, YouTube), and Street Fighter (1994, 123Movies)!

Joe and Jeff take a reprieve from blockbusters by getting into the podcast's bread and butter: low-budget schlock that snookered big-name actors into a paycheck. L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve never lives up to its first five minutes, and tells the story of a group of crooked cops, who just want to steal boomboxes and have some parties in peace. Instead, there's a ding-dong and his father mucking everything up. This "stars" Dennis Hopper, who never leaves the police station, and Michael Madsen, who selectively removes his sunglasses.  L.A.P.D.: To Protect and to Serve is based on a true story and was mercifully scrubbed from the internet in most places. But, you can still find it on 123movies.com.  Next episode's movie is Slender Man (2018) as the boys do a Brawloween two-step with that then Thir Thirteen En Ghosts (2001), which is on HBO Max this month.

Do you like the hit 1996 blockbuster Independence Day? Well, go watch that one, instead! Independence Day: Resurgence is too long, with too many characters (including a barely-there cameo from the first movie), with too many things ripped off from the first flick, and with people not caring enough. It's like Ready Player One if the moviemakers had only seen Independence Day. Find out what the "Wilhelm Scream of Boats" is, how many things they lifted straight from the original ID4, including one horrific caricature they lifted straight from a prior era/Nazi propaganda, and who got a "Wendy from Wendy's" done to them.  Independence Day: Resurgence is 2 hours of our lives we will never get back, but we recommend you watch it because so much of this movie ended up memory hold and it came out only FIVE YEARS AGO! Plus there's a little treat in the outro that gives you the same disconcerting feeling as watching the movie. Next week we get back to our low-budget schlock roots with LAPD: To Protect and to Serve starring Dennis Hopper and Michael Madsen. Then, it's BRAWLOWEEN 2.0 with Slender Man and 13 Ghosts! LAPD: To Protect and to Serve is only on illicit streaming sites so count to three... movies, and you can find it. 

This week's movie is Jaws 3-D (1983)! Per IMDb: "A giant thirty-five-foot shark becomes trapped in a SeaWorld theme park and it's up to the sons of police chief Brody to rescue everyone." This flick stars an incredibly coked up Dennis Quaid, Bess Armstrong, Lou Gossett Jr, Lea Thompson, and some dolphins! The guys watch one of the more boring movies they've watched for this little misadventure. They do manage to ask if you can bully a shark, get a sponsor (?), engage in casual shark misogyny and play America's Favorite Game Show: Legislative Branch Fish! They also explore if Jurassic Park just ripped off Jaws 3-D and wonder why exactly the head of the facility talks like he's in a banned Disney movie.   Jaws 3-D is on Amazon Prime this month. Next episode's movie... Independence Day: Resurgence... is behind paywalls. And may God have mercy on you if you peek behind one of those paywalls to watch it.

The guys are back watching some of the worst blockbusters ever created! This time they watch Speed 2: Cruise Control, a movie that nobody wanted to make, especially Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock. In this one they explore alternative medicine treatments, just how small Jason Patric's penis is, can children self-arrange marriages, and just how far LAPD jurisdiction extends.   Speed 2: Cruise Control is on HBO Max. So is next episode's movie... Jaws 3!

The boys take a quick detour from The Summer of Blockbusters to talk about an old friend... Ron Marchini is back! This time, he has the Eric Bana Hulk to the Ed Norton Hulk. We disavow all connections from Murder in the Orient to the Ron Marchini Cinematic Universe.  Have you ever wondered what it would be like to use two swords instead of a piece of paper to form a map? Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have $10 million somewhere... out there? And have you ever had your plans to get two swords (to make one map) unravel because you're just unbearably horny? Really riled up? Cranked up to 11? Then, you have something in common with the folks in Murder in the Orient! This flick follows the trials and tribulations of INTERPOL's top agents: a random woman's brother, and some guy she met once. They battle it out with the Golden Cobra clan, whose dastardly schemes are constantly derailed by someone giving out knives to the chronically frothing among the crew. This movie is impossible to find. Google tries to save us from ourselves by constantly suggesting, instead, Murder on the Orient Express. We should have gone with their suggestions.  Unfortunately, this will likely be the last Ron Marchini movie covered on this podcast, because it's impossible to find "Dragon's Quest" without two swords. And we only have one sword, so we only have half the map.  Next week's movie has a *slightly* bigger budget... it's Speed 2: Cruise Control! Speed 2 is on HBO Max and has all of your old friends from the first one! Well, except Keanu Reeves, and Dennis Hopper, and Jeff Daniels, and... well, the bus! Instead, it's Sandra Bullock, Jason Patric, Willem Dafoe, Temuera Morrison, and a bunch of leeches. Jeff's wife unironically likes this movie. Enjoy!

The Boys return with another late-90s summer blockbuster... Con Air! This movie stars Nicolas Cage, John Malkovich, Colm Meaney, Ving Rhames, Steve Buscemi, and also, John Cusack is there, I guess? The guys discuss if it's actually possible to be too cool at fighting that it's illegal, the American penal system, a space weirdo, whether or not themed casinos have gone too far, and if it's possible to just tell guards about an undercover agent in their midst. ...And what exactly happened with Steve Buscemi to get the gimp mask put on him?   Next week's movie is a true summer blockbuster... Murder in the Orient (1974)! This is Ron Marchini's first film and is almost impossible to find. I am just going to link off to the Daily Motion of it so you don't have to wade through a million "Did you mean 'Murder on the Orient Express'?" Google search results.

The boys continue the Summer of Blockbusters with the only movie filled entirely with the stupidest people on earth... Broken Arrow! Broken Arrow is a coming-of-age dramedy that involves two old friends passing the same $20 back and forth, while wacky hijinx ensue. Surprisingly, this movie is kind of boring, despite a $2 billion jet exploding. Broken Arrow stars John Travolta and Christian Slater, and involves John Travolta ripping off Christian Slater lines. Unfortunately, this movie is mostly just professionals going about their jobs behind the scenes, and also Howie Long was there? BUT FIRST!!! We saw F9, and we have some thoughts. Hint: the movie is good, and maybe bad?  Next episode's movie is Con Air, starring Nic Cage and John Malkovich. It's absolutely wild, so we know that next episode will have a lot more to discuss.

Joe and Jeff return with this week’s absolutely amazing flick: Face/Off! In this movie, they take Nicolas Cage’s face… off, and put it on John Travolta. Then they face off, see it has layers! The boys explore 3D printing technology, one simple way to destroy the whole plot, the absolute chaos that took place behind the scenes, an unearned Jesus allegory, as well as the ultra-creepy face-touching thing, including an alternate ending! If you want to see Face/Off in about 50 seconds, this is all you need. Also YES we forgot to mention there is a Face/Off sequel in the works! This is Jeff's fault! If you want to watch the whole thing (which we wholeheartedly recommend), you can watch it on Hulu and Paramount+. Face/Off and John Woo-ne kicks off The Summer of Blockbusters, where we tackle some of the biggest flops in the last 30 years. We will also, of course, watch a Ron Marchini movie. Broken Arrow is up next on the docket, followed by Con Air, Speed 2, Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Jaws: The Revenge, and one movie that Jeff promised himself that he would never watch ever again. Broken Arrow, the next episode’s movie, is not currently free to stream but is rentable starting at $2.99.

The boys are back after some scheduling snafus, with a big announcement... We are going bi-weekly. It turns out a podcast about stupid movies is easier to do during a worldwide pandemic than outside of it! We send off our weekly episodes with another Asylum flick... Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf! In this movie, Casper Van Dien sort of drunkenly wanders onto the set of his wife's movie and the cast & crew are too kind to tell him no. Plus, Jeff lies to Joe again and they play a trivia game. Why is this 2.5 hours when the movie barely clocks in at 85 minutes? Who knows! Probably because there are two miniature episodes of Homers at the Bat squeezed inside.  This is the third in a trilogy, and don't worry if you haven't seen the first two; you kind of already know what happened in those. In this iteration of the Sharktopus Saga, former baseball player Felix Rosa (Feliz Rosa?) gets mad he can't get RBI anymore and decides to go on a murderous rampage.  Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf is on Amazon Prime and Tubi, both free with ad support. We will be back in two weeks with FACE/OFF (1997), the John Woo, John Travolta, Nicolas Cage classic! If you know anything about bad action movies, you know FACE/OFF. We follow that up with BROKEN ARROW, a 1996 John Woo, John Travolta, Christian Slater flick. So, you know, completely different!

Joe and Jeff return from an impromptu hiatus because Joe's house was hit by a glitch (it was organic, not reptilian). We take on Ape vs. Monster, a movie that Jeff ended up watching three times because it made such little sense. In this one, we figure out how Ape vs. Monster ties into Planet of the Apes, King Kong vs. Godzilla, time travel, parallel universes, 1990s treats (and not treats), and QAnon! Jeff also has an aneurysm because he has a degree in History, and the person who wrote this... doesn't (to put it delicately).  Ape vs. Monster is on YouTube in a bunch of places, we watched "Giant Ape vs. Giant Monster." Next week's movie is SHARKTOPUS VS. WHALEWOLF as we have a truncated Monsters vs. May before turning to John Woone. Next week's episode will be recorded on Tuesday due to Jeff's lovely wife's birthday!   Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf was pulled off YouTube but is on Amazon Prime and Tubi!  

Monsters vs. May rolls on with the O.G. Godzilla vs. Kong! This 1963 flick is a re-edit of a 1962 *comedic* King Kong and Godzilla movie in Japan, that America turned into a more serious adventure. The boys discuss what exact role Eric Carter, the head of the UN news desk plays in world politics, if the Giant Octopus was a false flag,  if King Kong needs intervention, who exactly is naming these creatures, and why this movie is obsessed with a satellite. Also, Jeff lies to Joe a whole bunch! Next week's movie is Ape vs. Monster (2021), the first of three Asylum Pictures movies for Monsters vs. May. This is definitely not a Godzilla vs. Kong rip-off!  Both Ape vs. Monster and King Kong vs. Godzilla are on YouTube, for free.

The boys return from an impromptu week off due to seasickness (Joe was knocked out and tied to a boat headed toward Antarctica) to review Godzilla vs. Kong, a movie that literally delivered on everything it promised, straight from the beginning of the movie! So grab your showerin' bleach and get ready to see Godzilla and King Kong finally square off in a way you have never seen before (unless you have seen Neon Genesis Evangelion)! In this episode of the podcast, the boys explore the deepest, darkest conspiracies, determine if the movie backdoored a new anti-Semitic slur, argue about if Matthew Fox and Kyle Chandler look alike (they don't), and learn some great science facts! If you know the difference between 7 and 11, then you're way ahead of Joe on this one! May around these parts is MONSTERS VS. MAY! Godzilla vs. Kong inspired us to see other classic duos square off. In order, we will find out who wins in a rematch: King Kong vs Godzilla (1963), then Ape vs Monster (2021), then Megashark vs. Crocosaurus (2010), and finally, the mack daddy battle of them all: Sharktopus vs. Whalewolf (2015). All of these movies, like all fine flicks, are streaming on YouTube. Godzilla vs. Kong was on HBO Max... And probably will be, again?

Son of Kong is the 1933 sequel to the 1933 hit King Kong! All your old friends are back (I think!). This is an action-adventure movie promising a little version of King Kong, which forgets all three of those components until the last ten minutes. This one was made back when they knew how to make movies: quick, incoherent, and meandering. There's a return of everyone's favorite segment... Jeff Does Math!  Son of Kong is on HBO Max. Next week we wrap up Ape-Ril with Godzilla vs. Kong (2021), which is also on HBO Max. Our upcoming theme months include Monster May, John Woo-ne, Joystick July, Arcade August (the same thing, really), and Sequel September. That leads us either into a mental break or Brawloween 2!

The boys kick off Ape-Ril with the Paul Giamatti, Tim Roth and Helena Bonham Carter psychological thriller/slapstick comedy: Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes. In this film, Mark Wahlberg gets sent forward in time to a planet where apes and humans live side by side with unsettling allegories to the humans being both animals AND African-Americans in the United States! We explore all the questions for the movie that has no answers. How does time travel work? Was there an Ape American Civil War? Why doesn't anyone listen to Mark Wahlberg and not follow him? But most importantly, we explore Semos' lineage, and find an unusual patriarch of the clan! Also, the scene they absolutely 100% felt the need to add back into the movie! Hint: it's weirder than you think! Double hint: it's when Mark Wahlberg kisses Helena Bonham Carter after succumbing to New Kids on the Blockholm Syndrome. Planet of the Apes isn't available for free anywhere, but we promise you that it is even weirder than you remember and that Paul Giamatti just plays the standard Paul Giamatti role (except he's an orangutan).  Next week the boys return with 1933's Son of Kong! This one is mercifully only 70 minutes long, and is on HBO Max. Ape-Ril closes out the following week with the big beasts battling it out on HBO Max: Godzilla vs. Kong (2021).

We told you all we were done with Ron Marchini in March, but like Jesus, He has risen. It felt a little out of place to not finish the Ron Marchini Cinematic Universe, with 1995's Karate Commando. Or is it Karate Raider? Or is it Jungle Wolf III? This movie is impossible to find, and felt impossible to watch. The official credit in the movie is Jungle Wolf III, but he plays an entirely new character (Jake Turner). Nevertheless, let's call this movie by its Christian name: Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior IV: Jungle Wolf III: Return Fire II: Karate Raider AKA Forgotten Warrior - US Warrior IV: Jungle Wolf III: Return Fire II: Karate Commando. This bad boy is on YouTube as Jungle Wolf III: Karate Commando.  The Marchini Primetime players are all back to send Ron Marchini off in style with one last romp through the Philippine jungle. All our friends are here! Chris Ost! Michael E. Bristow! Joe Meyer! A woman who acted in exactly one movie in her entire career! Also a former Batman star and a D-list celebrity just securing the bag! This movie is 100% part of the Jungle Wolf canon, but somehow Ron Marchini gets away with calling himself Jake Turner and not Steve Parrish. Also, his half-Korean Aryan son is gone. This one is a strange sendoff, but better than Chuck Norris or Steven Seagal just hanging around. Next week we will be back with 2001's Planet of the Apes, or as Joe and I call it: Marky Mark Planet of the Apes (Cinemax or VOD), to kick off Ape-ril, a month of Joe and Jeff just monkeying around. We will follow that up with 1933's Son of Kong (HBO Max) and the smash hit of the last week or so: Godzilla vs. Kong (2021) (HBO Max)! It'll be nice to be back to movies with budgets, for a change! You can find all the previous Marchini Cinematic Universe movies here: Death Machines (Episode 10) Omega Cop (Episode 11) Karate Cop (Episode 12) Ninja Warriors (Episode 42) The Forgotten Warrior (Episode 43) Jungle Wolf (Episode 44) Return Fire - Jungle Wolf II (Episode 45) Questions about our well-being? Concerns about our well-being? Comments about our well-being? Reach out to us at reactionariespodcast@gmail.com