It's Christmastown

ANDY LEVY, MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR return for a latke contest and a little HANUKKAH ON RYE (2022) but first... Everyone is being disrespectful to the story of Hanukkah. THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Minyan introductions … Jewish menu check … Podcast Goy … Hallmark Hanukkah History … Jewishness at 11.5, for future museums … Instant Bubbe, chocolate syrup … "Hollywood" … Peter DeLuise, James Caan Rule … Pandering, mockery, Batman … Dissociation, grandparental Jewishness… PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge: You've Got Mail Crossing Delancey ... Plot Mop-Up: Lisa Loeb and Hanukkah songs; the actual plot; the Battle of the Bubbes … Spot the Angel: Mrs. Mizansky; Perd Hapley, Kermit doorman … John Wick…      PART THREE  Eat Your Heart Out: The Great Yiddish Bake Off; all Jewish food; teeming latkes; sufganiyot again; donut grievances; the Jewish Hidden Valley; egg cream; wax catharsis; corned beef sample, sad lox; rotating deli glamour shots; CGI; not kosher; "Gilberts"; rancid takeout swans; match game: food; concentration…  PART FOUR  Hallmark Expanded Universe: "Earth Jew" … Overdetermined: "Fiddler on the what?"; East coast culture snobbery … Crossover: Marvel, Candyman, Dr. Sleep, Harry Met Sally orgasm deli … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: The Bubbes, potato lip…  PART FIVE Who's the Real Villain: Not making grandkids; NYC commercial real estate; no villains … Cloned bubbes, uncomfortable cousin vibes … Title/Sequel … Rating: 3.5 … Constant deceit, prayer … No to Andie MacDowell … Pokemonides…  PART SIX The Leftovers: Electric menorah … Chekhov's seltzer gun … Grabbing pennies, generous tip …. IMDB Dive: Angela Narth Appreciation Station … Day drunk … SO not NYC, SO not heterosexual … DNA testing: No! … Why we do what we do … Andy's Stuff: Gay as hell, LA coding, waxpertise, Kyrie's Seamless order, Hanukkah's for children … Angry fasting movies! … Plugs! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Schlep the Halls with Loaves of Challah," by The Three Weissmen and "(I'm Spending) Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer. That Slate article: LINK Bluesky Links: Andy - Charles - Dave - Jeb - Maura

HOLLY ANDERSON brings us a piping hot basket of dogs to help us in GUIDING EMILY (2023), but… TEASER: We're at a loss … DMT and Togo … Live barking …  THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Holly's forever home … Garth? … Hallmark knowledge (+200 Dodgeball) … Healthy for work: a millennial attack … Talking Dog theory … Eric McCormack, yellow lab … Surface dog, onscreen braille … Phone accessibility, unicornmoji … Timeless, America+… PART TWO  Cast Rundown … Drew? … Dog interlude … The Expositional Challenge … Afraid of beeps … Muad'Dog … Chronic illness/generational targeting … Wheelchair coworker … Do the disabled depress Hallmark? … Public service: being blind and helping the blind … Crepe/pumpkin yearning … Omniscient foreboding dog narrator plot graft … Question the science … Garth's PIP … Telepathy > peanut butter… PART THREE Chip & Bean Cafe … Never seen the Simpsons … Spot the Angel: Sexless Drew/Mark … Online frisson … Wine clown … Workbot boyfriend … Emotionally incoherent, metal as hell … Final Destination / Ep. 67 doom/slapstick threat … Connor-exculpation … Vanishing palatial boomer mom… PART FOUR Eat Your Heart Out: Chip-based personality; real local restaurant; burger ejecta;"Blind Date"? … Dog biscuit downstream effect … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Greater Pacific Northwest, Amnesiac Utah … Ironside … Overdetermined: Refusing help … Coulda been worse! … Affecting outreach … Holly, and the emotional wave of fostering dogs … No Voight-Kampff or Villains … Good lines … Rating: 3.5, more Garth … A Shudder Christmas … REAL kiss fakeout … Simple journey, not a drag…  PART FIVE Ratings ethos … The Wayans warned us … Day After Tomorrow on Quaid in Full … Atlantic Rim … Marvels Cat Scene Timestamp: 1:11:40 … IMDB Dive: Cybersleuthing with dog; Michael Mann's Tokyo Vice Road to Christmas; Andy Mikita, Antonio Cupo; Final Destination … Hallmark Candyman … The Leftovers: Listen for the sound shadows … Spaghetti-O's … Cremains … CoonHoundRescue.com: We deliver! … Merry Christmas! • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

Why did we try to find LOVE IN GLACIER NATIONAL PARK (2025)? Because it is there. As is… TEASER: The horniest avalanche-safety film we've ever seen, trapped in the Beavis terrarium of the ancestral mind, with Steve. THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Is the Angel Jason Giambi? … Avalanche safety tips … A feast of table-read first takes … Extreme Hallmark throwback … The title! … Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Samantha, dog trainer, mom's apprentice; Sonya, stupid sexy Flanders mode … Beavis-world vision … Not pregnant, adios! … Swimmers … IVF and climate change … Star Trek: TNG, S1 … Better than the Trail of Tears one… PART TWO  Spot the Angel: Nope … Eat Your Heart Out: Hot cocoa, food pyramid foundation; Hi-C goblets, unnatural wine; root beer float highball; banana/peanut butter croissant … Chris's disrespect and aspirin advice … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Stephen Huszar's ski-guy persona) and the hermetic placelessness of the Hallmark Alpine Biome … Andy Lack (derogatory) … Overdetermined: An effing manchild; Dead Mom; Frisky Dingo … Epic photo of epicry … Anti-fizz…  PART THREE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Chris, no growth, no person … The Joe Morgan Moneyball Universe … Great Moments in Moppetry: 2, director Mom, tough script, posterizing Sonya, plumper … Who's the Real Villain?: Those who ignore avalanche safety, false binary, misplaced blame, idiot skepticism … Rating: 1.5 … Pointlessly mean, obviously Whistler … Stock footage, iced tea and 11º…  PART FOUR The Leftovers: The three most Canadian extras in history … The beautiful, talented Melvin … Melvin taxonomy … IMDB Dive: Stephen Huszar's better than this … Rabid remake … White supremacist sex tourist … Cops making fascists cry … In loving memory of outdoor Rambo III enthusiasts … Unwelcome antique National Parks feelings … Merry Christmas!  • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

We're having a launch party for the stuffed Italian bread triptychs honoring SISTERHOOD, INC. (2025), but first... TEASER: Don't fiddle with the knobs, or it's Queens for ya. THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Happy Employment Movie! … Greeting cards, Tech Nazis, Roko's Basilisk … Jim Rome Take: A Hannibal Lecter Group Text Experience … Sacramento … No Trump phlegm, no fizz…      PART TWO   Cast Rundown … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: The, uh, entire romantic plot; board structure; 30 Billion Dowmericans; mature/good sister/mother/daughter WASP; good-behavior modeling movie … Former mutuals with the screenwriter (no-drama edition)… PART THREE  Spot the Angel: It Takes a Village … Eat Your Heart Out: Drunkenness; no Campari in Hallmark; kitchen oaf; 1/2 of one squash, 3 tiny chicken filets, loose paprika dredge, quartered like a math problem; overdoing the crafty; huge orange; shooters with mom … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Chicagoless Chicago again, Siena College garnish; the thinking man's Albany; the early funny ones!…  PART FOUR Overdetermined: Determined, not overdetermined, execution of required Hallmark beats … Kombucha's Christmastown debut … Kava bar … Crossover: Already a real romcom; Bobby Bacala, retired "accountant" … Luca Brazi syntax …Sheryl Sandberg and David Sacks: matchmakers … The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Yuki…   PART FIVE Who's the Real Villain?: Phone, the broader sort of Lean-In cosmos … Rating: 4 … Wife Chat: The Board … IMDB Dive: Hackett and Galanoy Appreciation Station; grown-up Nickelodeon; phone … The Leftovers: How many gags didn't make the Hallmark cut? … Mail montage … A series of calzones … Momtuition … Self-McKinseying … Rubber Gaskets … Merry Christmas!  • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane.

We're spending all day in the car on our way to a stationary restaurant, and them's the breaks with AN UNEXPECTED VALENTINE (2025), but first... TEASER: Our respect for the Boboli Corporation. THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Foster Grant, CF Frost, Wells Fargo … Jim Caviezel and Scully … Bonus preview … Nick Bond Appreciation Station … "Fries" vs. "Pizza"...      PART TWO   We counted them down! … "Christmas" explains a lot … Can't remember movies … Why do these people meet? … Cast Rundown … Soriano or Osuna? … The Expositional Challenge … Plot Mop-Up: Sick child, gay cookie foundry … Familiarly defamiliarizing … La Chabert Appreciation Station … No horny material… PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Village NPCs vs. The Gig Economy … Bottle episode … Eat Your Heart Out: Enormous martinis, extra host, scalding coffee, the FBI's Flavor Unit, Edible purse, Our Respect for the Boboli Corporation, Charcuterie bodega, Uber Dolmades, "Potato Chip," "Nat-Chos," … The Hallmark Expanded Universe: McBanjoverse, Zac Hugiverse, Santacon, Actual Christmastown; I noticed Denver; all existing alt NYCs … You love this (sorry)…  PART FOUR Overdetermined: Ghosts from a normal script; no mutual accusations; hard to be haunted by Valentine's Day; why did they commit to this?; some screwball'd help; good takes but not great jokes … Crossover: Collateral II: Collateral Aftermath, Michael Mann reverie … More Audioslave in Hallmark; Fred Schneider, welcome to Hallmark…   PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Chef Mario, Little Mikey's family … Gauntlet interlude … Who's the Real Villain?: App economy grindset; Bartholomew's non-rotating restaurant; Thomas, the NYC parking officer … Bonus sales pitch! … Rating: 3 … Thank you for trying! …   PART SIX The Leftovers: Robert Buckley Appreciation Station … "It was me!" and "Fashion Week but Edible!" …Cooks Illustrated … NYC Soft FM, Michael Ironside as Viper, The Warriors … IMDB Dive: Michael Robison and Blade the Series, (feat. Sticky Fingaz) …  "Are you on Instagram?" … Merry Christmas!  • All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Powerhouse" by the Raymond Scott Quintette.

It's a new era of stripping color from the world, and all anyone can ask is WHERE ARE YOU, CHRISTMAS? (2023), but first... Yeah, the audio thing was Dave's fault. I said it. THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  How I met your mother ... Doc Hollywood and Danny Wuerffel (again) ... Pleasantville, but Hallmark ... Back in the saddle ... Cast Rundown and Expositional Challenge ... Larded with Hallmark-movie metacognition ... Recognition, not comedy ... New Year's movies ... Nice vision of Christmas ... David Lynch's last film ...      PART TWO   Spot the Angel: No, or Jerry Gergich ... Eat Your Heart Out: 10,000 Flushes and Life Savers cocktails; Rainforest Cafe; candy-cane doctor; grocery-store cookies ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Jerry Reinsdorf and Hawk Harrelson; veteran men's encounter group; episodes 1, 4, 27 and 60 ... PART THREE  Overdetermined: "I remembered Christmas"; what's wrong with you; meta-town; dad's cattiness; "what's Christmas?" repeatedly ... Crossover: You Should Have Left, Cemetery Man, Pleasantville ...  PART FOUR The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Officer Connor and The Mayor ... Gazebo trend map ... Who's the Real Villain: Men's inability to process shame; Amazon ...  PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... A baseless romance ... The Leftovers: Dustin Rikert and Easy Rider 2 ... Arm's distance ... Incorrectly beating your car ... CFL lighting ... A pine tree in a living room??? ... Deleted Scene: Walken impressions, cut-ups, Fatboy Slim ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

We brought a murderer home who had an advent calendar kill schedule, and 'TWAS THE DATE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (2024), but first... A Christmastown message from TV's Andy Levy ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Watching with a widow ... Implausible landlordism ... It's fine, it's a Chilis II ... Elevated basement, structurally self-aware ... The AI/Gattaca of Hallmark ...      PART TWO   Cast Rundown, Expositional Challenge and Plot Mop-Up: Bryan vs. traditional suits; Jessie and Christmas games ... No gazebo, no kiss ... Groening's a Karpluk ... Buckley affably going along ... Spot the Angel: No, but Hunger Games ...        PART THREE  Eat Your Heart Out: Marcus the gourmet; blurred banquet; "make it a double!"; splash of skim milk ... No Cure for Christmas ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: All Hallmark retail on one block; widowers are just lying divorced dads ... The Korean War ...               PART FOUR  Overdetermined: Deconstructed Hallmark? ... Crossover: Ready or Not; Fake Fiancées on Adultery Island ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 1 ...  The Real Villain/Voight-Kampff Test: Again, it's real and fine; weird knows it's weird ... Rating: 3 ... Three-car garage ...  PART FIVE The Leftovers: Where does it end? ... Crypto's pumping ... Let's gooooo debut ... IMDB Dive: Steal B-Rad's sunshine ... Christmas in Angel Falls ... MERRY! shirt ... Family kiss ogling ... Widow Talk: Don't eliminate supportive traditions ... 3x5 wallet photo ... Fiber-optic marketer ... WE DID IT, BABY! ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" by The Simpsons. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

DC PIERSON hitches a ride on a taco truck to THE SANTA SUMMIT (2023), but... Is that the blowjob guy? THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE Meet DC! ... Santacon: A cold version of St. Patrick's Day ... DC's Hallmark Wicker Man experience ... Southwestern pro-Christmas ... A 100-disc changer...  PART TWO Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Ava's Ben crush; Liam and Mac, construction networking ... Parasocial cast relationships ... The Beesley Touch ... A movie made of extra bits...  PART THREE Spot the Angel: Knowingly secular; Second Angel Theory (Quebecois Freddie, Dasher); it takes a village ... Bloodhound Gang BJ Guy ... Eat Your Heart Out: Thicc sushi-place Christmas cookies; boilermakers; dry ice; pint eggnog; canteen; math jokes, round food; food trucks; wasabi rim... PART FOUR The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Mapping a nameless place; Chicagoland; co-opting city life; Dr. Where/Weir; Shelbyville ... Overdetermined: Quitting on networking; TK TK TK; dissonant, scary sincerity; passing a millennial torch ... Crossover: Any sitcom; a personal Pauley Perrette; Mike and the Mad Dog... PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Anti-business bartender; Freddie the Angel-Replicant; our two leads ... Who's the Real Villain?: Our underfunded public schools ... Rating: 4 ... Audience mistrust, atavistic studio notes... PART SIX The Leftovers: GIS for "Boston art teacher" ... Sam Bankman-Fried ... IMDB Dive: Christmas skills; "Jingle Bell" karaoke ... Cool Runnings, tacos, Casablanca ... Russell Hainline, we're your friends ... My sweatpants ... Pandering target ... "Hallmark 2000" ... Merry Christmas! ...  All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. DC'S Instagram HERE and Bluesky HERE

JAMIE KIRSTEN HOWARD lost her credit card and the clerk is CHECKIN IT TWICE (2023), but... We've already got the furry erotica! THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Glitterburrito ... Georgia championship hockey ... How Hallmark casting works PART TWO   Jamie's Christmas credentials ... Mariah-Grinch Continuum ... Is the Grinch horny? Furry? ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Deal-stealing boyfriend; Team Christmas Week; French-Canadian players ... Just settle! Like the rest of us! ... Covid-fueled throwback ... The Thee/Thou Threshold ... How do you act a story like this well? ... A "being adult and normal" fakeout ... Brain damage       PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Ashley's dad and Scott's coach ... A literal bible ... Eat Your Heart Out: Grandma's dire eggnog; The Cider Social; awful pastries, sugar drinks; Barbie food; stadium peppermint tea; Sleepytime mascot, pajama gun, candlelit ushers; the Drunken Puck; airport chocolates, airport beer ... Clear hotel lobby store ... Zamboni driving in the Richard Scarry region of the brain ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: French 85 Magazine, "How to Survive Christmas Alone"; hockey tournament/goon clash    PART FOUR  Overdetermined: Forced credit-card fussiness; "But I'm different"; plot-end collision and bastard father ... False Ray Bourque information ... Scott, winter ignorant ... Crossover: Scott, Deadpool adjacency and sassy Kristen Bell; money and a rewrite away from a real rom-com; Alex Garland's Civil War; LA to Vegas, Idaho Falls to Spokane ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Dave, rowdy child, good eater ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Googe-sound boy; 3 ... Who's the Real Villain: Ambition, cruel fatherhood, misogyny/the bar is THAT low       PART FIVE Rating: 3 (non-derogatory) ... "Honestly, I'm fine with this" ... The Leftovers: Non-interruptive work-from-home ... Protagonist's dream/career age ... "Those who can't play, coach" ... A smooth 84 ... Pod Yourself The Wire namedrops ... Gretzky 3:16 ... Plus/Minus and stats annoyance ... Kevin Fair, Get Carter, Josie and the Pussycats, and The Core ... Saw 3-D ... "Idaho Falls" ... Postgame interview BS ... You know how to ruin a cider social ... Merry Christmas!   All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Jamie's Bluesky HERE

Our secret families said it's TIME FOR HER TO COME HOME FOR CHRISTMAS (2023), but first... Let's sing ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Welcome to the cumbersome title, b*tch ... Cocoa in camo ... Throwback movie ... Cast Rundown ... Episode titles greatest hits ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Secret aunt, choir exercises ... Valid Wicker Man ... "A little 'Get Out'" ...      PART TWO   Spot the Angel: Susan and Pastor John ... Eat Your Heart Out: Oh my God dude; James Bond cocoa; pot-pie protocol; eggnog pancakes; off gluten; peppermint egg cream ...        PART THREE  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: We don't know where we are; Episode 78, Holiday Date? ... Overdetermined: Mom tells you to let go of your dreams, leave the eggnog carton ... Mom taunting ... Crossover: Safe callback; Glee ... Sports-triumph movies still exist ...               PART FOUR  The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Matthew, android lead; Alice, choirbot ... Tyler, Kyler, Tyler ... Who's the Real Villain: This movie ... Incredible titles work here ... Rating: 2, throwback movie ...  PART FIVE The Leftovers: Executive Producer Blake Shelton ... Tim Allen and Robert Goulet ... "Accordion to Steve's Christmas Polka" ... Foxwoods theme song ... Blake Shelton kickbacks ... Good singers, bad performance ... Grace Leer and Allie Liebert Appreciation Station ... Bus weirdo ... LOT COP ... Prester John ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" by The Simpsons. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

MAURA QUINT & CHARLES STAR get trapped going ROUND AND ROUND (2023) with us, but... Shut up, kids, it's the second episode of Hanukkah! THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Chag Sameach ... We regret the errors ... It's good! ... Jew Belong meets war ... Good movie crammed into Hallmark, better than Christmas fare ... Crying at The Rock, Actually ... Jade   PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Maura's Monologue; dreidel-dependent f*ckups; dating-help time loop ... Nerd cred ... Your boyfriend/son will explain the nerd thing ... Fake Londoner, Comic Guy ... Double the characters, all matter ... Ashkenazi word load ... Format tweaking, references on the meta knife edge ... Which twist? Who knew? ... Can't hang (with) the DJ ... Jobbed mom ... Welcome back to Bar Mitzvah Chat      PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Grandma/Busker/Santa? ... Spot the Bard ... Eat Your Heart Out: Food-lite; plot/reality-proportional; "Hanukkah on Rye" callback; Jews as human ... Sufganiyot (reprise): Childhood, Israel, politics, inaccuracy ... Signifying body blows ... People, 2030 ... Blue Christmas ... Candles ... Latke assembly ... No superlatives ... Wine complaint ... Secular Jews, pls PART FOUR  Hallmark Expanded Universe: Hanukkah on Rye ... Overdetermined: London-Nerd hookup vs. Time-loop revelations vs. Rachel's nerd cred/purpose/attitude ... Self-uncanny valleying ... Tropes as prison, not skeleton ... Curving tropes in on themselves ... Uncanny to movies, not humanity ... Crossover: Too real; a $10m budget and 30 days; Hellraiser; Granddad Groundhog Day; all Groundhog Days PART FIVE The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grandpa; the most Methodist mom ... Rating: 5 ... The Leftovers: Jammed-in Santa ... Coda ... Almost famous ... Inclusive casting ... Bryan Greenberg, Rick Hoffman, and Vic Michaelis Appreciation Station ... Feelings at movie scale ... Real pillow-face ... Bears tight end ... Stay off the tollways ... Minion gifs ... Subway signage ... Two-hour novel revision ... Mixtapes ... 7 days ... IMDB Dive: Tamar Laddy ... Merry Christmas!   All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane, "Schlep the Halls with Loaves of Challah," by The Three Weissmen and "[I'm Spending] Hanukkah in Santa Monica," by Tom Lehrer.

MEREDITH CLARK and Jeb travel to CHRISTMAS ISLAND (2023), but... The lighthouse made me so angry ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Attracted to the Menendez Brothers ... Six years of sloth ... Brain-braising movie cred ... "Christmas Neutral" ... Fuck 30 Rock (Geographical) ... "A Christmas Kettling" ... OK glurge, insufficient bonkersocity ...   PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Christmas Guy Oliver, Grandpa Postal Santa; week nor'easter; anti-business business parents ... Discount billionaires ... Pilot, cook, flight attendant ... Hallmark lifestyle porn ... Dead lobstermen ... Briny Santa, orca driver ... Stakes-killing trauma ... Wicker Man end! ... Too normal for this swerve ... Fear of Flying vs. Love of Booty ... F'n lighthouse! ...  PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Grandpa McCloud ... Eat Your Heart Out: Plane hot chocolate, and more; lobsters with hats, with feelings; facecakes at Nott Pub ... Import/export ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 83, 94 and 129 ... Overdetermined: Sewing machine (longingly); social-media save; "he ignored weather warnings" ...             PART FOUR  Crossover: Wicker Man, Trailer Park Boys, Deadliest Catch, Cocoa Dismemberment, Lighthouse Documentary (Herzog) ... Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Grandpa McCloud; Co-Pilot Derek ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Curly Sue audition memories; also, 2 ...  PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... The Leftovers: Old Singer ... Air-traffic control meet-cute ... Curated experience ... Green candycane ... "This is your dream job?" ... IMDB Dive ... No breath, no nor'easter ... Now you're like me ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Trailer Park Boys Theme (I Left My Heart in San Francisco)." Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

We're checking out cemeteries for when MS. CHRISTMAS COMES TO TOWN (2023), but... You're gonna wanna braise that elf ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Blood tests ... Letters to Santa: 'Are You Dead?' Edition ... New big TV ... Gatorade trauma basketball ... WWI of motion smoothing ... Jobless with SSRI's ...  PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: College lover, Washington New England ... It's the terminal diagnosis show! ... Miss Christmas: Origins ... Cancer, Grief and Kindness: The Movie ... Commendably adult ...       PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Travis or Boss Elizabeth ... Eat Your Heart Out: "Christmas Cacciatore"; braised elf; candy-cane straw cocoa; Hogan's Donuts math theory; peanut butter Christmas mice (tie) ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episode 83, "But Wait, There's Buckley" and Episode 94, "The Ecstasy of Competence" ... Overdetermined: No ... Seventeen minutes of modeling good behavior ... It's not Hall of Fame! ... Mad Dog on JFK ...            PART FOUR  The Swagony of Defeat: Yes, but it fits? ... The White Collar reverse camera ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Murray the Bus Driver! ... Rating: 3 ... Barbara Niven Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: Power Man Jason Bourque ... Jason London ... Scatting ... Sold-out sound FX ... CSI Cyber, turning red, podcast ... Ken Cosgrove's scarlet suit and Amanda's Christmas jockey ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "The CSI Cyber Podcast Theme" by J.W. Friedman. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

JESSICA RITCHEY supports a HOLIDAY FOR HEROES (2019) because:  It's not a movie you watch, it's a pill you take ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Save a Troop Child ... "Dad History" - Michael Jackson ... Jessica: Tubi Magus ... Treat Williams ... Marc Blucas ... Muscle Twink Death ... NCAA athlete ... BDUs, dad bod ... Hallmark Hall of Fame vs. This ... Hallmark's Jehovah's Witness energy ... Home Goods ... S'mores contest ... Slighting the troops ...  PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Military re-up; bringing a battalion home ... Missed dead-brother opportunity ... Combat without consequence ... The GLeeMONEX Initiative ... Job-solution man ... Spot the Angel: No ghost, no one, or everyone, or the Army ... Eat Your Heart Out: Coffee with warlords; thos beans; nog contest/Mexican chocolate nog; Waingro Counter; instant latte ...   PART THREE  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes 57, 86, and 5 ... Overdetermined: Dance at the barn; Hallmark war-zone quit; Ronin; support-the-troops speech ...  PART FOUR  Crossover: The Initiative; The Hurt Locker; Black Hawk Down II; Penny Dreadful ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Co-workers Jade and Pam; Linda Fiorentino as Jade; high school principal; Patton ... Who's the Real Villain: Nothing happened, the Neocons, imperialism ... The fruitlessness of this movie and the GWOT ... PART FIVE    Rating: 2.5 ... The Leftovers: Cold breath, hot sun ... Shot in Connecticut ... Wet dock (reprise) ... Wrapped hockey stick (reprise) ... Make with the death! ... IMDB Dive: 1800 soap episodes; Blucas and Brawl in Cell Block 99; Breckin Meyer; Marcia Clark ... George Templeton Strong ... "I love that you're so into history" ... "I'm the eggnog king!" ... Feliz Navidad! ... A Royal Corgi Princess/Christmas; A Pinch of Portugal; Love, Inheritance and Lunch ... Plugs ... Merry Christmas!  All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Ashokan Farewell," by Jay Ungar. Jessica's Twitter HERE • BlueSky HERE • Patreon HERE

Grab a 2x4 for the gazebo, it's A VERY MERRY BRIDESMAID (2021), but... Let's get back to the ugly Christmas sweater bachelor party ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Meet me at the gazebo ... Sleepytime ... Bright Lights, Big Sweater ... O'Henry ≠ Bierce ... Long trip, short distance ... Self-improvement procrastination ... Christmas Eve/Day weddings/birthdays ... Knifed by your own brother ... PART TWO   Join the Patreon, hear the Fascist Date story ... Inside the Game ... Drizzle, the condom ... Institutional Haley Joel Osment bias ... Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Paul, Julia and real estate; Julia, the Reasonable Bridezilla, and a bespoke dress ... Berating clerks in Jeb Mode ... Dress delivery epilogue ... "Tree amateur," Emily Osment directed and the Earnest Hallmark style ...     PART THREE  Spot the Angel: Nana and multigenerational haunting ... Get out and see some of the world only for a little bit ... Dad's health issues ... How a Hallmark executive sees the world ... Eat Your Heart Out: Lobster stuffed with tacos; Argentinian Christmas cookies; load-bearing hot cocoa; concluding birthday cake; the Bears lost; empty beer bottles ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Episodes: 1, 27, The Best Fries in the City, 4, 60, 125, the most important gazebo since "Stargazeboing at the Time Comet", 70 ...          PART FOUR  Overdetermined: Not really; overdetermined false starts; What Would Your Grandma Do? ... Crossover: Somebody Somewhere, with a Hallmark Script; Chicago Wedding Strike Force ...  PART FOUR The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Not really, not Julia, or Paul, real estate buyer, gazebo erector ... Fitzcarraldo ... Rating: 3 ... IMDB Dive: Emily Osment, Annie Potts, Wallace Shawn; Deidrich and In the Dark; Tracy Andreen and Elena Valdez ... One of the Elite Princesses in the World Renowned Royal Court of the Tournament of Roses Parade Presented by Honda ... Gift-wrap punking our female lead ... Minor Emergency with Gordie LaSalle ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and Mozart's "Sequentia Rex Tremendae - Requiem In D Minor, K 626" performed by the Vienna Philharmonic and Chorus, conducted by Sir Georg Solti. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

RYAN NANNI discovers all roads lead to Arli$$, and we're A WINNING TEAM (2023) because:  All we see is the goal ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Ryan's podcast samsara ... Rebawatchables ... Lady Frankenstein ... Mary Shelley, Bobby Bonilla ... Ryan's Hallmark expertise ... Brain damage ... Throwback, safety-presentation movie ... Christmas move, Arbor Day ...  PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Divorce, Shakespeare production, Clemson scholarship ... The Hallmark ACC ... Spot the Hustle: Rasheed Wallace; unconvincing sports; no mock franchises; real arena, public park; diminishing sports ... Dropping acid, watching Hallmark, shrieking neighbor ... Commentator Bumble date ...   PART THREE  Eat Your Heart Out: "Fries"; urban oat milk, business wisdom; bread bowls; homemade tahini; (Boardwalk Empire butt cut); (admire-able); 10am pie; giant night pancakes; consolation wings; invisible omelet; bobcat stomach; winner buys! ... Alley gambling ...   PART FOUR  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tulips, all roads lead to Arli$$, and the toxic PNW sports culture ... Hallmark ESPN never embraced debate ... Overdetermined: Ropes course; constantly humbling Emily; undecided protagonist; Ian has a type ... Ian: 30 years, two partners ...     PART FIVE    Crossover: Ted Lasso and Any Given Sunday; Aaron Rodgers' diarrhea retreat; Jon Bois' Friday Night Lights ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Social worker Brandon; no replicant; Sandra, the diner owner ... Who's the Real Villain: Emily's immaturity; no sports Big Bad; kids specializing in sports; Ian, The Dragon ... Rating: 2 ... Impossibly bad sports ... Star Trek Space Africans/Unlicensed Gilmore Girls ... Let Emily be mean! ...  PART SIX The Leftovers: World-class woman's player, no-name loser ... Gary Sheffield public-park dingers ... Leadership writing, Taylor Swift ... Emily and online sports discussion ... Knitting coach, man down ... IMDB Dive ... "Mr. Dick" ... Geocaching ... No crutches! ... Sex at BYU ... Wet dock ... Plugs! ... Merry Christmas!  All music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Soul Dracula" by Hot Blood. Ryan's Twitter HERE • Fullcast HERE

Surprise! It's AN UNEXPECTED CHRISTMAS (2021) and we're still dating! Also, ... This is a bad idea ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Turn on Dave's She-Shed ... Lair, fort, Rodney Dangerfield ... Unprepared! ... "The Single Guy" ... Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Paul Campbell ... Three Wise Men and a Baby ... Christmas Season vs. Baseball Season ... Canadian doo-wop ... Paul Campbell (Screenwriting) Appreciation Station ... Mamet notes ... Sharing the quippy wealth ... Coming up! ...   PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Dead Christmas patriarch, gay sister, gay chief of staff, writer's block ... 5pm publishing on Deadspin ... Jeff Loria's Peanuts book, How to Watch Football on Television ... Jamie's serial quits ... Wishing fountain, tourism slogan ... One Tree Hill ...     PART THREE  The Swagony of Defeat: Custom mugs, Balsam Hill Farmhouse Christmas Ornaments Set of 25 ... Advent tree, starting Thanksgiving ... Tense mugs, Airbnb-ass kitchen ... Make me care about this consumer ... Spot the Angel: Angel free, large family ... Eat Your Heart Out: Normal food; Monty Python teakettles; cookie plunder; implied Swedish chef; cookie violence; destroyed, carbonized (ceremonial) footlong hot dog; Footie Scran; large coffee, giant dog, huge thermal, 8 blocks; neat whiskey; giant woven candy cane; wry jazz club/Italian restaurant waiter and reprise ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Chicagoland marketing, finance, politics, society, inventor of sport peppers ... Chicago/Chicagoland inversion ... Marketing name ...          PART FOUR  Overdetermined: No, but Jamie is a frozen turd ... "Tired of living in fear" ... So particular ... Emily's generous self-pathologizing ... Do better, Emily ... Crossover: Todd Solondz Christmas; An Unexpected Blago; Kamala Harris ... Great Moments in Moppetry: 2.5 ... Rating: 3.5 ... Tighten it up, Jamie! ...  PART FOUR The Leftovers: Jackie Joyner-Kersee ... Nobody can flush in Fulton ... Rat Funeral ... The Single Guy (Reprise) ... It's not karaoke, it's CAROLING ... IMDB Dive ... Courtney Belize, Ron Mexico ... Vending machine ...  Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

We celebrate A KISMET CHRISTMAS (2022) with one dose of cookies and realize ... When the ingenues need help, they make one call: La Chabert ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather PART ONE  Jeb's at the Strawberry Festival ... Simultaneous Strep and Covid ... Jazzys in the Entenmann's Event Tent ... We liked it! ... Meta threat ... Parenthood, dud ensemble ... "Hallmark Christmas Blogger Sarah Ramos" ... Aware, but not kidding ... Fun hammy ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Grandma Mia decluttering; mom outta the picture; Patsy and the Mayor; book-ornament contest; looming deadlines; childhood collaborations ... Spot the Angel: Benny the agent; ancestral ghost; Travis ... Eat Your Heart Out: Kismet Cookies, not to be used internally; done when it seems done; secret ingredient is love; you need fudge ...     Break: NFL Films, "Classic Battle" PART THREE  The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Jeb screws up a TPB reference; children's books are easy!; Nostalgic Christmas (Episode 72); the Man in the Arena ... Overdetermined: Almost none; working cookie for a trembling lady; great divorce take; three quits, one plausible explanation ... Crossover: Stephen King; Rogan book tour ... Gary Vaynerchuk ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: The Mayor, a medicated Dennis Hopper; Raylene, Wine Woo Mom ... Who's the Real Villain: Villain-free; Christmas wedding hosts ...        Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  Great Moments in Moppetry Rating: 2.0, for load-bearing moppetry ... Rating: 4.5, well-executed turbo Hallmarkery ... IMDB Dive: Mark Jean, Flip That Romance (Ep. 51); Betsy Morris Appreciation Station ... The Leftovers: Gateway jewelry ... I got my library card ... Benny's Christmas HQ ... Becoming your parents ads ... Sarah Ramos's "City Girl" ... Night Runner vs. Moon Boat ... Merry Christmas!    All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Timorous Me." by Ted Leo and the Pharmacists. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

We take A FABLED HOLIDAY (2022) out of time, and we apologize: No one's claiming the rights ... THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Play that glissando! ... Holiday recap: Hatchet accident, child custody, punting to Queens ... "Hanukkah on Rye" update ... A year of Countdown to Christmas Countdown ... Decompensating via Christmas nostalgia ... Who are your guys? ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Jake guy ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Widower Charles on the Event Horizon ... Vincent Price chapter narration ... A strangely under-playful, overly traumatized movie ... Mr. Snowflake at Verso Books ... A WWI of emotion ... Spot the Devil: Mildred ... Spot the Angel: The Narrator ...    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  Eat Your Heart Out: Mad Men/Lumbergh cocoa mugs; goulash; inaccurate beer pull; orange abbondanza; candy cane vape pen; chewing on cinnamon and rosemary ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: The PNW telluric currents; angel vacation resort ... Overdetermined: Confronting the sprites, wild accusations; Mildred's Rickles routine; "I am done living in fear!" ... Stuff didn't work out! It's ok! ... Brooke D'Orsay Appreciation Station ...    Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  Crossover: Introducing Ned Ryerson; nyads, wood-nymphs, things of that nature; Death Ship, again ... Unclaimed rights ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Diane and Keith's divorce-a-thon ... Great Moments in Moppetry: Maybe 2,000 years old ... Mad Dog Russo's Revolutionary War ... Who's the Real Villain: Fiction publishing and copyright ... Literacy in DeSantisland ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FIVE Rating: 3 ... Meet your dead dad ... IMDB Dive: Ruby Monroe, script supervisor, Blade Trinity The Leftovers: Charles and Mildred banter (good), Charles despair line-reads (bad) ... All her stories, steel suitcase ... Made up village, lotta rules ... Blue violin, karate ... Six seasons and a screenplay! ... Merry Christmas! All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Torgo's Theme." Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.

It's PUMPKIN EVERYTHING (2022), and we'll never pass up a good thing. Radio by seniors, for seniors ...  THEME: "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas," from Crudbump, by Drew Fairweather ... PART ONE  Bug planet! ... Michael Ironside Appreciation Station ... Extremely weird, way too real ... Dead malls, pizza chains ... Repetitive love arc. vs. elder mortality and AA ... A rom-som template on real vulnerability ... Bruce Arians ... Our aging [step]parents[-in-law], aging and driving ... First normal person in a Hallmark world ... Committed, sincere, Hallmark dialogue ... Fundamental grouchy love ... Real Crossover: A Canadian indie film in a Hallmark universe ...   Break: Basil Poledouris, "Klendathu Drop," Starship Troopers soundtrack. PART TWO   Cast Rundown ... The Expositional Challenge ... Plot Mop-Up: Hey, Good Morning; Amy Instagram; she's a business ... Jazz aficionado ... Senior Radio ... Apology, AA confessional, let's race! ... Scarecrow teen treachery ... Spot the Angel: No ... Eat Your Heart Out: Caramel mortarboard; foliage week, proper names, time dilation; first pumpkin latte of the season; late Loggia, Alex Jones; hotel pitcher of cider; Luke and Lillian's pumpkin sage ravioli; Mountain Dew Braised Rojas ... The Hallmark Expanded Universe: Tom is Billy Pilgrimed here; diner kid in the movies, here, now; "Pumpkin Pie Wars"; "Holiday Date," the undercover Jewish experience, Delco Extended Universe ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART THREE  Letters to Santa: Andrea Canning, the Dateline anchor, USS Christmas and IMDB ... Overdetermined: Necessarily overt talks; soundtrack cue, swing hooting ... Crossover: Starship Troopers and Scanners, of course ... The Hallmark Voight-Kampff Test: Mom Lillian, jerk-horny, work-life imbalanced ...   Break: Original music by Chris Collingwood PART FOUR  Who's the Real Villain?: The elder care industry ... Don't wanna know the book's plot ... Full Mendo ... Title/Sequel: Good title; fed up; that feel, Tone ... Rating: 3.5 ... "Inchon Landing on the War on Christmas" ... The Leftovers: The Jeff Beesley experience ... The Michael Ironside IMDB tour ... McBain ... Surfacing/Scanners ... Cohagen, horse breeder ... Megawattage ... Soundalike narrative soundtrack ... Merry Christmas!  All other music by Chris Collingwood of Look Park and Fountains of Wayne, except: "Orchestral Sports Theme" by Chris Collingwood and Rick Murnane and "Scanner Duel," by Howard Shore, Scanners soundtrack. Buy our show artist Caitlin Fitz Gerald's excellent book: Here.