Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

When a doctor hands your child a diagnosis, it can be a relief - finally, an explanation for their behavior! But sociologist Dr. Allan Horwitz has spent decades studying how psychiatric diagnoses are made, and what he's found raises serious questions about how much weight that label should carry.   In this episode, Dr. Horwitz walks through how the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) - the manual that defines every mental health diagnosis - was built less on scientific research than on professional politics, institutional pressure, and the practical needs of insurance companies.    He traces how depression went from a diagnosis given to a small fraction of the population to one of the most common diagnoses in the world, and explains exactly what happened to reliability when the DSM-5 was tested in real clinical conditions.    He also looks at how the same behaviors get labeled very differently depending on a child's age, race, class, and cultural background - and why that matters for every parent trying to figure out whether a diagnosis is actually helping their child.   This episode won't tell you to reject diagnosis outright. But it will give you the critical knowledge to ask better questions when a label is offered for your child.   Questions This Episode Will Answer What is the DSM and why does it matter for my child?  The DSM is the manual psychiatrists and psychologists use to diagnose every mental health condition. It determines what insurance will cover, what services your child can access, and what label follows them through school and into treatment.   Who created the DSM and who controls it?  The American Psychiatric Association publishes the DSM, but its diagnostic criteria were largely shaped by a small group of people - predominantly white men with ties to pharmaceutical companies - whose process looked more like sausage-making than science.   Why is DSM-5 criticized by researchers?  Field trials for DSM-5 showed reliability had actually declined from earlier editions. For some of the most common diagnoses, including major depression and generalized anxiety, agreement between clinicians was barely better than chance.   Is a psychiatric diagnosis actually reliable?  Reliability means two different clinicians would give the same patient the same diagnosis. Research on the DSM-5 shows this is far less consistent than most parents assume - and a reliable diagnosis still isn't necessarily a correct one.   Are children being overdiagnosed with mental health conditions?  Research shows that the youngest children in a classroom are significantly more likely to receive a psychiatric diagnosis than their older classmates, especially for ADHD - suggesting that what's being measured is developmental maturity, not a mental disorder.   Does the DSM apply equally to children from different cultural backgrounds?  The DSM was built on a Euro-centric framework, and critics argue it pathologizes behaviors that are normal or valued in many Global Majority cultures. This has real consequences for how children from different backgrounds get diagnosed and treated.   Why do mental health diagnoses focus on the individual instead of their circumstances?  The DSM is deliberately designed to identify disorders within a person rather than look at the conditions around them. It makes sense that a person going through a relationship breakup might feel sad, angry, and/or uncertain about the future.  That doesn’t mean they’re ‘depressed.’  Dr. Horwitz explains what that choice costs - and who pays the most.   What You'll Learn in This Episode Why diagnosis serves the psychiatric profession and the insurance system in ways that don’t always help the person being diagnosedHow the shift from psychoanalysis to the DSM-3 in 1980 dramatically expanded who could be diagnosed with depression - and why that shift was driven by professional rivalry, not new scienceWhat reliability and validity actually mean in psychiatric diagnosis, and why the numbers from DSM-5 field trials alarmed even people inside the systemHow the people who built the DSM criteria handled disagreements - and why the process Dr. Horwitz describes is so different from what most parents imagineWhy a child's birthdate relative to their classmates can predict their likelihood of receiving a psychiatric diagnosisHow socioeconomic status shapes not just whether a child gets diagnosed, but when they take their medication and whyWhat the removal of the bereavement exclusion in DSM-5 tells us about the direction the system is headingWhy the same behaviors that get a child diagnosed with ADHD in the US might get that child's family into therapy in the UK insteadWhat Dr. Horwitz thinks would actually make a difference for children's mental health - and why the most effective interventions are rarely the ones being offered   Your Triggers Aren't a Diagnosis. But They're Worth Understanding. This episode makes the case that the mental health system focuses on only what's happening inside a person instead of looking at the broader circumstances around them - mostly to sell us more drugs.    In reality, our struggles are a combination of the challenges we’ve experienced in the past (and how we’ve learned to handle them), and our situation today.  We have to see both pieces to make sense of where we’ve been, and learn new tools for what’s happening now.   When your child's behavior sends you into a reaction you regret later, a diagnosis or prescription may not help as much as understanding what's underneath that reaction and where it came from.    That's exactly what the Taming Your Triggers workshop is built to help you do. In 10 weeks, you'll learn why you react the way you do, how to meet your own needs so you have more capacity for your kids, and how to respond from your values instead of your history.   Enrollment is only open for a couple more days, until midnight Pacific on Wednesday, March 4.   Click the banner to learn more   Jump to highlights: 02:14 Introduction to today’s episode 03:44 Why do we diagnose mental illness, and whose interests does the diagnostic system serve? Dr. Allan Horwitz explains that diagnoses maintain psychiatry's legitimacy and prestige as a medical profession, regardless of the knowledge behind each diagnosis. 05:10 Patients now often expect specific diagnoses before treatment even begins. 14:27 People experiencing sadness from job loss or relationship endings can benefit from medication, but to get prescriptions, you need a diagnosis of a disorder, even when the response is completely expectable given the circumstances. 15:39 The DSM locates suffering within individuals rather than examining broader social circumstances. 19:00 Wrapping up. 21:25 An open invitation to join the Parenting Membership.

When your three-year-old hits you, their sibling, or another child, it's easy to feel frustrated, embarrassed, or even angry. You might wonder if this challenging behavior means something is wrong with your child or your parenting.    In this episode, I help you see hitting in a completely different way. Instead of viewing it as a problem to eliminate, we'll explore what your child is trying to communicate through their actions. You'll discover how hitting is often your child's attempt to meet important needs when they don't yet have the words or skills to do it differently. This shift in perspective changes everything about how you respond.   Most advice about hitting focuses on consequences, time-outs, or behavior charts. But these approaches miss what's really happening. In this episode, I walk you through real examples from parents dealing with hitting, and show you how to identify the feelings and needs driving the behavior. If you're not sure where to start with identifying your child's needs, this quick quiz can help you figure out which needs might be going unmet.   You'll learn practical strategies for helping your child develop replacement behaviors for hitting that actually meet their needs. Whether your child hits when they're frustrated, overwhelmed, or seeking connection, you'll leave with tools to support them while also taking care of yourself and keeping everyone safe.   Questions this episode will answer Is it normal for 3 year olds to hit? Yes, hitting is common in early childhood. Three-year-olds are still developing language skills and emotional regulation, so they often use physical actions to communicate feelings or meet needs they can't express in words yet.   What is a replacement behavior for hitting? Replacement behaviors depend on what need your child is trying to meet. If they're seeking sensory input, alternatives might include squeezing play dough or pushing against a wall. If they're expressing frustration, they might learn to stomp their feet or use simple words like "I'm mad!"   How do I get my 3 year old to stop hitting? Focus on understanding the feelings and needs behind the hitting rather than just stopping the behavior. Help your child identify what they're feeling, figure out what need they're trying to meet, and practice new ways to meet that need that work for everyone.   Is it normal for a 3 year old to be very aggressive? Frequent hitting or other challenging behavior in early childhood often signals that your child has important unmet needs. This doesn't mean something is wrong with them. It means they need support learning new strategies to meet their needs.   How do you teach children to communicate their needs? Start by helping your child recognize and name their feelings using simple language. Then connect those feelings to underlying needs like autonomy, play, or connection. Practice specific phrases and actions they can use instead of hitting.   What is the connection between feelings and needs? Feelings are signals that tell us whether our needs are met or unmet. When your child feels frustrated, angry, or overwhelmed, these feelings point to needs that aren't being met, like autonomy, understanding, or ease.   What you'll learn in this episode Why hitting and other challenging behavior in early childhood is actually communication about unmet needsHow to identify the specific feelings and needs driving your child's hitting behaviorThe difference between expressing needs through hitting versus meeting needs through hittingPractical replacement behaviors for hitting based on different underlying needs Why punishment and consequences don't address the root cause of hittingHow to use the "name it to tame it" approach to help your child recognize their feelingsSteps to support your child in developing new skills while keeping everyone safeReal examples of parents working through hitting situations using a feelings and needs approachHow to take care of your own needs when your child's challenging behavior triggers you   Taming Your Triggers  If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you: Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…   …the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.   Click the banner to sign up!   Jump to highlights: 02:02 Introduction to today’s episode 04:01 An open invitation to Why You're So Angry with Your Child's Age-Appropriate Behavior and What to Do About It masterclass. 05:10 Parent shares context where her child hits when excited and demands chocolate at every preschool pickup. 06:56 Jen starts by checking in on the parent's wellbeing and support system, explaining how parental stress shows up in children's behavior. 09:47 Jen helps the parent see the behavior as an expression of a difficult situation rather than defiance or stubbornness. 11:28 Jen identifies three needs behind the joy/indulgence, autonomy, and connection after being apart all day. 20:02 Connection and autonomy are the top two needs of young kids. 22:40 Identifying patterns (hitting happens when super excited) and offering redirection strategies like jumping together.

Are you exhausted in a way that sleep doesn't fix? Do you find yourself more irritable with your children than you ever imagined possible? You might be experiencing parental burnout and you're far from alone.   In this episode, I sit down with Dr. Moïra Mikolajczak, one of the world's leading researchers on parental burnout, along with listener Kelly, who shares her raw, honest experience of burning out while raising her young daughter. Dr. Mikolajczak reveals groundbreaking research showing that parents in burnout have cortisol levels twice as high as other parents - even higher than people suffering from chronic pain or experiencing marital abuse.   We explore why Western parents are at such high risk compared to parents in other cultures, what happens when the pressure to be a "perfect parent" collides with isolation and lack of support, and most importantly, what actually works for recovery. Kelly opens up about the moment she had a complete breakdown far from home, unable to even find her way to a train station, and the seven-month journey that followed.   If you've ever felt like you're racing through life unable to stop, or wondered whether your exhaustion is affecting your children, this episode offers both validation and a path forward.   Questions This Episode Will Answer What is parental burnout? Parental burnout is an exhaustion disorder where parents feel completely depleted by their parenting role. It includes four main symptoms: extreme exhaustion that doesn't improve with sleep, emotional distancing from your children, loss of pleasure in parenting, and a painful contrast between the parent you are now and the parent you wanted to be.   What are the symptoms of parental burnout? The clearest warning signs are fatigue that persists despite adequate sleep and increased irritability, especially when you're with your children but not at work. Parents may experience mood swings, feel unable to recognize themselves, struggle with violent feelings toward their children, or completely lose confidence as a parent.   How does parental burnout affect children? When parents reach the emotional distancing stage of burnout, it can lead to either neglect, violence (verbal or physical), or both. However, the impact on children can be reduced significantly if the other parent or a support person can compensate by providing consistent care and emotional presence.   What causes parental burnout? Parental burnout results from a severe imbalance between parenting stressors and resources. Key risk factors include parental perfectionism, low emotional competence, poor co-parenting quality, inconsistent parenting practices, lack of leisure time, and the intense pressure in Western cultures to be a "perfect parent" while managing everything alone.   How is parental burnout different from job burnout? While both involve exhaustion, they occur in different contexts. Job burnout centers on work exhaustion and distance from work beneficiaries, while parental burnout involves exhaustion from parenting and emotional distance from your children. You can have one without the other - in fact, many burned-out parents escape into their work.   What does parental burnout feel like? Parents describe feeling like they've reached the end of their tether just thinking about what they need to do for their children. One parent in this episode describes racing forward like a heavy train that couldn't be stopped, then experiencing a complete collapse where she couldn't get out of bed, seemed physically sick, and had no energy despite having been fine the day before.   How do you recover from parental burnout? Recovery requires two things: being heard in a truly non-judgmental way, and rebalancing your life by either removing stressors or adding resources. This might mean reducing children's activities, getting consistent help, working on emotional skills, addressing perfectionism, or improving co-parenting. Professional support helps identify changes you can't see yourself.   Why do Western parents experience more burnout? Western countries have significantly higher parental burnout rates because of intense social pressure to raise "perfect" children, constant monitoring by institutions and other parents, pervasive social media comparison, and profound isolation. A Western parent with two children faces higher burnout risk than an African parent with eight or nine children who has community support.   How can I tell if I need to take a parental burnout assessment? If you experience fatigue that doesn't disappear after several good nights of sleep, along with irritability that's noticeably worse when you're with your children (but better at work), and these symptoms persist for two to three weeks, you should consider taking the Parental Burnout Assessment.   Can you prevent parental burnout? Prevention focuses on maintaining balance between parenting stressors and resources. This includes managing perfectionist expectations, building emotional regulation skills, ensuring quality co-parenting, maintaining consistent parenting practices, protecting time for yourself, limiting social media exposure, and actively seeking social support rather than parenting in isolation.   What You'll Learn in This Episode The science behind parental burnout and why it's different from regular exhaustionHow to recognize the warning signs before you reach crisis pointWhy being a "good parent" in modern Western culture sets you up for burnoutThe specific risk factors that increase your vulnerabilityReal strategies for talking to your children about your burnoutWhat actually works for recovery (and what doesn't)How parental burnout impacts children and how to protect themOne parent's lived experience from breakdown to recoveryWhy you might be escaping into work without realizing itThe balance assessment that helps identify where to start   Taming Your Triggers  If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you: Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…   …the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.   Click the banner to sign up!   Jump to highlights: 01:45 Introduction to today’s guests 03:17 Dr. Mikolajczak explains that parental burnout is an exhaustion disorder where parents feel totally exhausted by their parenting role, emotionally distant from their children, lose pleasure in parenting, and see a contrast between who they are now and who they wanted to be as a parent. 06:29 A study shows prevalence ranges from less than 1% to 9%, with Euro-centric countries showing much higher rates than Asian or African countries. 08:20 Kelly shares her experience, describing how burnout feels. She had a complete blackout while away for work, couldn't find her way home, and then collapsed for days afterward. Seven months later, she's still recovering. 11:48 New research shows parents in burnout have cortisol levels twice as high as control parents, even higher than people with severe chronic pain 15:11 Burnout primarily affects children when parents become emotionally distant, which can lead to neglect or violence. A supportive partner can buffer these effects. 19:06 Dr. Mikolajczak explains how parenting expectations have completely changed in just less than 100 years. Parents now face intense pressure from the state, schools, and social media to be perfect. 25:05 The biggest risk factors aren't the number of children or child difficulties. They're parental perfectionism, low emotional competence, poor co-parenting quality, inconsistent parenting practices, and lack of time for yourself. Burnout happens when stressors outweigh resources for too long. 38:59 The two most important warning signs are fatigue that doesn't go away with a few good nights' sleep and irritability, especially if these symptoms last more than two or three weeks and happen mostly at home, not at work. 48:33 Parents need to be listened to in a nonjudgmental way, and they need to rebalance their stressors and resources. This might mean cutting extracurricular activities, finding new support systems, or working with a psychologist to identify changes you didn't think were possible. 53:43 Create a visual schedule so your child knows what's coming next and when they'll have time with you. Reward alone time with something your child loves. Find activities they can do independently, even if just for short periods.

When you started parenting, you probably had ideas about the kind of parent you wanted to be. Maybe you imagined patient bedtimes and peaceful mornings. Then reality hit, and you found yourself doing things you swore you'd never do.   Parent Maile Grace knows this feeling well. In this conversation, she shares how her parenting values have shifted since her daughter was born. She talks about moving away from strategies like timeouts that seemed to work in the moment but didn't align with what she truly wanted for her relationship with her child.   You'll hear how she supports her kids when they're fighting instead of jumping in to fix everything, and why building connections with neighbors matters more to her now than having a perfectly organized home. If you've ever wondered whether collaborative parenting actually works in real life, this episode gives you a peek into one family's experience.   Questions this episode will answer What is collaborative parenting? Collaborative parenting means working with your child to solve problems instead of using punishments or rewards to control their behavior. It involves understanding what your child is struggling with and finding solutions that work for everyone.   What are parenting values? Parenting values are the principles that guide how you want to raise your children and the kind of relationships you want to build with them. They often include things like respect, connection, autonomy, and understanding.   How do children solve problems? Children learn problem-solving skills when adults support them through conflicts rather than immediately fixing things. They practice identifying their own feelings and what matters to them, then working together to find solutions.   What is collaborative problem solving? Collaborative problem solving is an approach where parents help children navigate challenges by exploring what's hard for everyone involved and creating solutions together, rather than imposing consequences or rewards.   How much sibling fighting is normal? Sibling conflicts are a regular part of childhood. Instead of trying to eliminate fighting completely, parents can focus on supporting children through these moments to help them develop problem-solving and relationship skills.   Why is parent collaboration important? When parents work collaboratively with children, kids learn to understand their own feelings and what matters to them. This approach builds stronger relationships and helps children develop skills they'll use throughout their lives.   What you'll learn in this episode How one parent's values shifted from wanting a "well-behaved" child to prioritizing connection and understandingWhy some common parenting strategies work in the short term but can damage relationships over timeA real example of how collaborative problem-solving looks when siblings are fightingHow to support children in working through conflicts without immediately stepping in to fix thingsWhat it means to let go of trying to control your child's behaviorWhy building neighborhood connections became a higher priority than maintaining a perfectly organized homeThe difference between parenting strategies that change behavior and approaches that build skills and relationships   Taming Your Triggers  If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you: Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…   …the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.   Click the banner to sign up!   Jump to highlights: 02:01 A brief introduction to today’s guest and what today’s episode is all about 03:40 An open invitation to join the Parenting Membership, where you can find the full version of this episode 07:12 Maile gives an example about a challenging time that didn't go the way that she hoped and how she managed to come back around after the words 14:32 What does Maile’s son do to find a connection with her? 19:30 What can you do when you experience the moment where there were like little releases, and then the frustration comes back? 25:07 An open invitation to Taming Your Triggers workshop

When your child struggles with behavior or attention, doctors might suggest ADHD medication. Before you move forward, you should know what a psychiatric diagnosis actually is - and what it isn't. This episode examines how psychiatric diagnoses actually work - and what they don't tell you. Dr. Sami Timimi, a child and adolescent psychiatrist in the UK, explains how the mental health system has become an industrial complex that profits from turning distress into diagnoses. You'll learn why a diagnosis doesn't mean doctors have found something wrong with your child's brain, and why the framework we use to understand mental health struggles might be missing the bigger picture. If you've ever felt pressured to medicate your child or wondered whether there's more to the story than a "chemical imbalance", this conversation will give you the information you didn't know you were missing. Questions this episode will answerWhat do you do when your child has a behavioral problem? Instead of immediately seeking a diagnosis, consider the social context - school environments, family stress, economic pressures, and whether your child's environment actually fits their needs. Addressing these factors can be more effective than focusing solely on fixing the individual child. What is a psychiatric diagnosis evaluation? A psychiatric diagnosis evaluation is a process where behaviors are observed and categorized according to checklists, but it doesn't involve measuring anything in the brain or body. The diagnosis describes behaviors but doesn't explain what causes them. Can ADHD be misdiagnosed? Since ADHD diagnosis relies on behavior checklists rather than objective tests, two evaluators can reach different conclusions about the same child. The behaviors labeled as ADHD - hyperactivity, inattention, impulsivity - are descriptions, not explanations of what's causing those behaviors. What is the most common childhood behavioral disorder? ADHD is commonly diagnosed in children, but saying a child's hyperactivity is caused by a hyperactivity disorder is circular reasoning - we're just describing the behavior using medical language. How does parenting affect mental health? Single parents and parents experiencing poverty face significant stressors that impact mental health. When parents seek help for depression or anxiety, they're often directed toward medication rather than receiving support that addresses the actual challenges they face - lack of resources, isolation, and overwhelming demands. What are the biggest determinants of mental health? Social and economic factors - housing security, job stability, poverty, social support, and community resources - are major determinants of mental health. These environmental conditions create distress that often gets labeled as individual mental illness. How can social factors affect your mental health? Social factors like economic insecurity, isolation, and the structure of our society create feelings of alienation and the sense that "I'm not good enough." When we say these problems are inside individuals rather than addressing social conditions, we miss opportunities to reduce distress at its source. What does industrial complex mean in mental health? The mental health industrial complex refers to the entire ecosystem that profits from mental health diagnoses - from expensive assessments and therapies to pharmaceuticals, apps, books, and self-help products. It turns distress into a commodity that can be mined for profit. What you'll learn in this episodeWhat happens during psychiatric diagnosis evaluations (and why no brain scan is involved)Why ADHD medication studies show different results at 14 months versus 30 months (and you’ve probably only heard of the 14 month outcomes)How the mental health industrial complex profits from turning distress into diagnosesWhat parents should know about the difference betweendescribingbehaviors andexplainingthem (and why it matters)Why circular reasoning (like “your child's hyperactivity is caused by a hyperactivity disorder") is everywhere in mental health but rarely discussedHow poverty and lack of social support create mental health struggles that get diagnosed as disordersWhat happens when we assume problems are "inside" people rather than in their circumstancesWhy supporting families through social and economic interventions might reduce distress more effectively than individual treatmentHow the framework we use to understand distress shapes what solutions seem possibleWhat to consider before starting medication for yourself or your child Jump to highlights:01:37 A brief introduction to today’s episode04:06 Introducing today’s guest05:41 What does the mental health industrial complex mean?12:28 How does Dr. Sami Timimi respond when others view his perspective as a fringe position on ADHD and mental health?14:45 Dr. Sami Timimi can't blame the people for accepting diagnoses as brain-based conditions because they assume doctors have found something wrong in their brains16:59 A quick review of what we learned today

Welcome to 2026! In this episode, we're looking back at what we covered in 2025 and sharing what's coming in the year ahead. A Year of Growth 2025 was a year of evolution for the podcast. We covered topics you've been asking about - parenting triggers, rage, overwhelm, boundaries, and breaking family trauma cycles. We also did a deep dive across four episodes into Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation (which likely overstates the harm of social media on kids).  There’s also a summary episode that covers all the main ideas from the four deep dives in just 17 minutes. Based on feedback from the Podcast Advisory Council, we shifted to shorter public episodes while full-length episodes moved to the Parenting Membership's private feed. Our goal is to get you to the insights that matter faster.   2026: The Year of Mental Health This year, we're going deep on mental health. What even is it? How can we support it in ourselves and our children? And how does it intersect with neurodivergence? I've already recorded the first episodes and I have to tell you - my mind has been blown by what I'm learning.   Big Changes Coming The Parenting Membership is now open year-round with a new onboarding process. The website is getting a complete redesign with filters so you can search by your specific challenge and child's age. Plus 10 new starter videos explaining core concepts.   Episodes Mentioned 232: 10 game-changing parenting hacks – straight from master dog trainers233: Time-outs: Helpful or harmful? Here's what the research says234: The problem wit time outs: Why they fail , and what to do instead235: Chidren's Threats: What they mean and how to respond238: Feeling exhausted and overwhelmed? Tools to help you cope241: Validating children's feelings: Why it's important, and how to do it with Dr. Caroline FleckThe Anxious Generation255: Why Do I Keep Snapping? Parenting Rage When Your Childhood 'Wasn't That BadES 04: Reparenting Yourself: Break Your Family's Trauma CycleES 05: How to Enforce Boundaries When Someone Doesn't Respect Them   Resources for You We've created a bunch of new tools to support your parenting journey: Parent Anger Quiz- discover how your childhood (even if it seemed "normal") created the triggers you experience todayCalm Parent Toolkit- ($7) get practical, printable resource that helps you understand your triggers, nervous system, and parenting patterns so you can respond to your child with more calm and confidenceWhy You're So Angry with Your Child's (Age 1-10) Age-Appropriate Behavior - And What to Do About It masterclass- ($27) learn the three real causes of triggered reactions and get tools to stay calm when your child's behavior usually sets you offTaming Your Triggers workshop-10-week, all online workshop for parents to help you feel triggered less often by your child's behaviorBeyond the Behavior- free coaching calls (second Wednesday monthly, 9-10.30 am)Parenting Membership- complete parenting support with evidence-based strategies, coaching, and communityFree parenting resources collection(coming soon)   Jump to highlights: 01:44 Introduction of today’s episode 02:46 A quick recap on one of January’s episodes, which is the 10 game-changing parenting hacks straight from master dog trainers 03:55 In February, research on timeouts helps parents to transition away from physical punishment, and how Taming Your Triggers participants benefit most from community support and coaching 05:55 Last summer, we talked about Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s book The Anxious Generation 09:05 Jen decided to shorten the episodes into 15-20-minute episodes instead of 60-minute exploration 12:56 Parenting Membership enrollment is available for year-round enrollment 15:10 The parent anger quiz helps you to understand the source of the rage that you experience as a parent, even if your childhood was “normal” and not traumatic 17:10 Another free resource is the Beyond the Behavior coaching calls 20:01 In a Your Parenting Mojo family, you're understanding how your childhood shows up in your parenting, noticing your triggers, responding from calm steadiness, and breaking generational cycles of shame and disconnection 21:44 Jen is thanking everyone in the Your Parenting Mojo community for being here and doing the hard work of parenting differently

Have you ever opened a gift from your parent and felt your stomach drop? You've tried everything - wishlists, clear conversations, explicit boundaries about gift giving. But the packages keep arriving, filled with things that feel totally opposite from your values.    And then you're stuck in this awful place where you're simultaneously angry at them for not respecting your boundaries AND judging yourself for not just being grateful.   In this episode, I'm sharing part of a powerful coaching conversation with Sam, who's spent years trying to set gift giving boundaries with her mom. What we discovered is that when unwanted gifts trigger us this intensely, they're touching something way deeper than clutter or consumption.    When I talked with Nedra Glover Tawwab recently, she advocated for very strong boundaries: if you get unwanted gifts, you send them back.  How the other person feels about that is not your responsibility.  You might decide that a hard boundary is the best option for you.  But at the end of the day, it doesn’t address the hurt you’re feeling that is leading you to consider a boundary.   Through an embodiment exercise, Sam found empathy for her mom's needs while still honoring her own need to be truly seen. But the real breakthrough came when we talked about what to do when your parent simply can't give you what you long for - and why that requires grief work, and not always stronger boundaries.   Questions this episode will answer Is it normal to have resentment for your parents over gifts? Yes. When unwanted gifts keep coming despite clear boundaries, that resentment often connects to a deeper need - wanting your parent to truly see and understand you.   What is the psychology behind excessive gift-giving? Gift givers are often trying to meet needs like staying relevant, feeling competent as a parent, creating connection, and mattering in their grandchildren's lives, especially when physical distance or other limitations exist.   How do you respond to unwanted gifts without losing your mind? You can't just decide the gifts don't bother you anymore. It may help to mourn the relationship you wished you had with your parent, and get your need to be seen met through other relationships.   What to do with unwanted gifts when boundaries keep failing? You can continue donating them through Buy Nothing groups, but the real shift happens when you stop attaching meaning to the gifts - when a dancing cactus becomes just a dancing cactus, not evidence that your parent doesn't see you.   How do you let go of anger and resentment towards a parent? Through embodied mourning rituals - not just making a decision in your head. This might involve gathering with people who truly see you and symbolically releasing the longed-for relationship you're acknowledging you won't have.   How do you set boundaries with parents when they won't respect them? Sometimes moving forward means you stop holding the door open, exhausting yourself while you wait for them to walk through it. You find other ways to meet your needs instead.   What you'll learn in this episode Why gift-giving boundaries fail even when you've been crystal clear about your values and preferencesHow embodying her mom helped Sam find empathy for her mom without giving up her own needsWhat needs your parent might be trying to meet through excessive gift giving (and why understanding this matters)The difference between making a mental decision that something doesn't matter and actually mourning the loss of the relationship you wished you hadHow to meet your need to be seen and understood through relationships other than your parentThe "door metaphor" - what it means to stop holding it open and why that's different from closing it foreverWhy unwanted holiday gifts can become neutral once you've done the grief workHow to stay in relationship with your parent while letting go of the exhausting longing for them to change   Jump to highlights: 01:07 Introduction of today’s episode. 03:05 Sam and her husband send gift lists to their excited long-distance parents to manage space in their small house, but when an inappropriate gift arrives despite their clear requests, Sam feels worried that her boundaries weren't respected. 11:07 Sam struggles between wanting her mother to show up differently and accepting that she can't force that change, feeling like she's leaving a door open while getting frustrated that her mother doesn't know how to walk through it. 14:54 Wrapping up today’s topic 17:20 An open invitation to Parenting Membership Black Friday sale

You've told your parents you're not available during work hours. They keep calling anyway. You've asked them not to comment on your weight. They bring it up again on the next visit. You've said no to those random Amazon gifts. Another package arrives at your door. Many parents know how to set boundaries, but get stuck when someone won't respect them. In this summary episode, therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab shares practical strategies for enforcing boundaries when people repeatedly ignore or dismiss them. You'll learn aboutthe "fire extinguisher method" for stopping uncomfortable conversations before they spiralhow to embody your boundaries through your actions (not just your words)how to navigate the especially tricky situation where you rely on someone for childcare but they won't respect your limits. Nedra also discusses her new children's book and works through real scenarios about unwanted gifts, body-shaming comments, and what to do when setting a boundary means potentially losing support you need. This conversation gets honest about the hard choices enforcing boundaries sometimes requires. Can you really maintain a boundary with someone you depend on? What do you do when the person provides childcare for you? Nedra offers a clear framework for deciding when to stand firm, how to take action when words aren't working, and why allowing people to be upset with you is part of the process. Questions this episode will answerHow do you deal with someone who doesn't respect boundaries? Enforce the boundary through your behavior, not just your words. If someone keeps calling during work hours after you've asked them not to, don't answer the phone. If they bring unwanted gifts, donate them immediately or return them to the gift-giver. You can't control what they do, but you can control what you do. Why is setting boundaries so hard? We often learned in our families of origin that setting boundaries leads to rejection or anger. We worry about people being mad at us, the relationship ending, or being seen as selfish. These fears come from early experiences where our caregivers responded poorly when we tried to express our needs and boundaries. How do you enforce boundaries when words aren't working? Use behavioral enforcement. Stop answering calls during the times you've said you're unavailable. Use the "fire extinguisher method" to interrupt conversations the moment they start heading toward topics you've said are off-limits. Show through your actions that you meant what you said. What is the fire extinguisher method for boundaries? Jump in to stop conversations before they get going, the way you'd use a fire extinguisher on a small flame before it spreads. When someone starts bringing up a topic you've clearly said you won't discuss, interrupt them immediately: "I know where this is going, and I don’t want to talk about it.” Why do people get upset when you set boundaries? Some people are used to being able to say or do whatever they want in the relationship. Your boundary ‘brushes up against’ their expectation of having full access to you or being able to speak freely. They may also genuinely believe you need to hear what they have to say. Should you be with someone who doesn't respect your boundaries? This depends on the severity of the violation and your level of dependence. If someone provides childcare but also body shames you, you may need to find alternative childcare to truly maintain the boundary. Sometimes you have to choose between the support someone offers and having your boundaries respected. You might accept that certain behaviors come as part of the "package," or you might want to reduce your reliance on that person. Is setting boundaries selfish? Other people may call you selfish when you set boundaries because your limits inconvenience them or challenge their expectations. But protecting your time, energy, and well-being isn't selfish. Your emotional regulation is not someone else's responsibility, and their emotional regulation is not yours. What do you do when you rely on someone who won't respect your boundaries? You have to decide whether you can accept that certain boundary violations come with the support they provide, or whether you want to explore other options. This might mean finding alternative childcare, reducing financial dependence, or building a "chosen family" support system. How do you enforce firm boundaries without cutting people out of your life? You can maintain a relationship while still enforcing boundaries through your behavior. Don't answer calls during work hours even if they keep calling. Stop conversations immediately when they head toward off-limit topics. Return unwanted gifts. You're not ending the relationship - you're defining how it works. What does boundaries versus control mean? Boundaries are about what you will do, not about controlling what someone else does. Telling someone "don't call me during work" is actually trying to control their behavior. The boundary is: "I won't answer calls during work hours." The distinction matters because you can only control yourself. What you'll learn in this episodeWhy enforcing boundaries requires behavioral changes, not just verbal statementsHow to use the "fire extinguisher method" to stop conversations that cross your boundariesWhat to do when someone keeps calling, texting, or contacting you after you've asked them not toSpecific strategies for handling unwanted gifts from family members without adding to your mental loadHow to respond when parents or in-laws make repeated comments about your body, parenting, or life choicesWhy "allowing people to be upset with you" is a necessary part of maintaining boundariesWhen you might want to choose between receiving support and having your boundaries respectedHow to know if you should accept boundary violations as part of a "package deal" with childcare or other helpWays to build alternative support systems when family won't respect your limitsThe difference between boundaries (what you control) and attempts to control others' behaviorHow to help kids understand boundaries around physical touch and when you need spaceWhat to say to children who want immediate attention when you're not available Nedra Glover Tawwab's website:nedratawab.com Jump to highlights:01:34 Introduction of today’s guest and today’s topic04:14 An open invitation to the Black Friday sale coming up in late November05:03 What is a boundary?05:25 What’s the difference between a boundary and a limit?07:34 How does Nedra handle situations when someone keeps ignoring boundaries you've set, even after you've clearly explained why they matter?16:20 Nedra says, “If we set boundaries for people, we want them to change.”19:01 Jen and Nedra talk about how to set boundaries when it comes to their children21:30 Nedra shares about her new children’s book, “What Makes You Happy”23:59 Wrapping up24:54 Jen tells where to connect with Nedra Glover Tawwab to access her books, quizzes, and other boundary-setting tools

Do you ever wake up with tension in your body because you know your child will want to play the moment you walk out of your bedroom?   Do you spend time with your child but think about all the chores you should be doing instead?   Parent Aija came to a (FREE!) Beyond The Behavior coaching call with exactly this challenge. She plays with her four-and-a-half-year-old son a lot. But she doesn't enjoy it. And she has big feelings of guilt and shame about that.   What starts as a question about setting boundaries and making time for herself becomes something much deeper. We discover that Aija's struggle with play isn't really about play at all.   When we explore what makes Special Time so hard, we uncover sadness and grief that Aija didn't even realize was there. The messages she received as a child about productivity and being a "good" future wife and mother are still running in the background, making it really hard for her to be present with her son. But we also find three concrete strategies that help Aija see a way forward.   By the end of our conversation, her entire demeanor has shifted. She's smiling. She has a plan. We’ll uncover the key reasons why playing with our kids is hard, and how to get the most out of this important time.   Questions This Episode Will Answer What is parenting guilt? Parenting guilt shows up when you think you "should" enjoy something but you don't. As Aija describes it: "I don't enjoy just spending time playing. My kids, that's terrible. But it seems that no matter how much Special Time we have, it's not enough for him." It's the gap between the parent you think you're supposed to be and the reality of your experience.   Why do I have parenting guilt about not enjoying play? Parenting guilt often comes from comparing yourself to others and from messages you received growing up. When Aija watches her husband play easily with their son, she thinks "I want to be like that" - but that comparison triggers shame, which makes it even harder to make decisions aligned with your values.   What is Special Time with your child? Special Time is consistent daily dedicated one-on-one time with your child where they get to choose the activity. The purpose is to meet their need for autonomy, along with their needs for connection, joy, and fun.   How is Special Time linked to my child’s behavior?  Even just spending 10 minutes consistently with your child can have enormous benefits on their connection with you (and thus their behavior in situations outside of Special Time).  Many of the behaviors that parents find irritating (resisting leaving the house in the morning, annoying behaviors, hitting siblings, bedtime stalling) are kids’ best attempt to connect with us - when they do these things, we pay attention to them.  When we do Special Time, they’ll likely stop using these behaviors to get your attention/connection.   What are the benefits of Special Time? Special Time meets your child's needs for connection, joy, play, and autonomy. When children get their connection needs met consistently, they're less likely to use challenging behaviors to get your attention. As we discover in Aija's situation, her son's morning behaviors (taking her bookmark, throwing blankets over her head) are his way of trying to get connection time.   How to do Special Time with kids? Special Time should ideally be 10 minutes of consistent daily play where the child gets to choose the activity.  The consistency is really important.  It’s much better to do 10 minutes daily than an hour on an unpredictable basis.  This communicates to your child: “You’re special.  I love you and I want to spend time with you.”   How to make Special Time easier? Three strategies can help: First, offer activities you actually enjoy doing together as the default options - for Aija, that meant suggesting Legos or painting first. Second, use Special Time as your mindfulness practice by noticing when your mind wanders to thoughts about chores or productivity, and bringing yourself back to the present moment. Third, have problem-solving conversations about recurring challenges to find strategies that meet everyone's needs.   Why does my child whine, cry, and tantrum at the end of Special Time? They do these things because they enjoy it so much - and because they don’t know when they’ll get to have this amazing experience with you again.  When you tell them: “Well have Special Time again tomorrow” and then actually do it, they learn to trust you and they stop protesting when it’s over.   What causes productivity guilt? Productivity guilt comes from cultural conditioning. As Aija discovered when exploring her childhood: "I think as I got older, it was more about school. You have to get good grades and you have to learn certain skills to function as a future mom." When you're taught that your worth comes from being productive, play can seem like a waste of time.   Why do I feel guilty when I'm unproductive? The belief that you should always be productive usually comes from how you were raised. Aija realized: "Play is not productive. Yeah, it seems that's how I grew up." When rest or play triggers thoughts about chores you "should" be doing instead, that's this conditioning at work.   How do you meet your needs and your child's needs at the same time? Start by identifying what needs each person has. Then have a problem-solving conversation where everyone describes their ideal experience. Look for strategies that address multiple needs at once - like offering five minutes of connection first thing in the morning to meet your child's need for connection, which then makes it easier for them to give you the time and space you want to drink your coffee and read.   How do needs influence behavior? When children's needs aren't met, they find strategies to get those needs met - sometimes through behaviors we find challenging. A child who steals your bookmark or throws blankets over your head is meeting their need for connection by making sure you notice them and don't forget about spending time together.   How can I set boundaries with family members without damaging relationships? Boundaries work best as a second-line tool, after you've tried to find strategies that meet everyone's needs. When you meet your child's needs most of the time, they're much more willing to accept boundaries in the moments when you can't meet both of your needs. You may also find you want to set fewer boundaries because when everyone's needs are being met more often, there are fewer moments of conflict.   How to get rid of parental guilt? Instead of trying to eliminate guilt, get curious about where it comes from. What messages did you receive growing up about play, productivity, and what makes you valuable? Then work on meeting both your needs and your child's needs through problem-solving conversations and choosing activities you genuinely enjoy doing together. Using playtime as mindfulness practice can also help - noticing thoughts about what you "should" be doing and bringing yourself back to the present moment.   Why do I experience play resistance with my child? Play resistance often comes from messages you received growing up about the value of productivity versus play. As Aija discovered, when you were taught to focus on school, achievement, and preparing to be a future spouse and parent, "play is not productive" becomes a deeply ingrained belief that's hard to shake, even when you're with your own child.   What You'll Learn in This Episode You'll hear a real coaching conversation with parent Aija, who doesn't enjoy playing with her son and has big feelings of guilt and shame about that. You'll discover: Why disliking play often isn't about the play itself, but about the messages you received growing up about productivity and your worthHow comparing yourself to your partner (who seems to play effortlessly) can trigger shame that makes it even harder to be present with your childThe connection between childhood grief and difficulty setting boundaries with your own childrenThree specific strategies to make Special Time more enjoyable: focusing on activities you actually like doing together, using playtime as mindfulness practice, and having problem-solving conversations about recurring challengesWhy your child's challenging morning behaviors (like stealing your bookmark or throwing blankets over your head - as well as behaviors like resisting leaving the house, doing things you find annoying, hitting siblings, and resisting bedtime) are actually bids for connectionHow to structure an "ideal morning" conversation with your family that identifies everyone's needs and finds strategies to meet themWhy boundaries should be your second-line tool, not your default approachHow meeting your child's needs more consistently actually makes them more receptive to boundaries when you do need to set them   Beyond The Behavior Coaching Calls Want coaching like this for yourself? These Beyond The Behavior calls happen on the second Wednesday of each month from 9 AM Pacific, and they're completely free. You can get coached on whatever challenge you're facing right now, or just listen in while I coach other parents.   We usually work with two or three parents on each call. And if you can't make...

Are you tired of feeling guilty every time you get angry as a parent? What if your anger actually contains valuable information about what needs to change in your family systems?   Most parental anger management approaches treat all anger the same way - as a problem that requires control. But research shows there are actually two distinct types of parental anger, and understanding this difference changes everything about how you respond. Instead of suppressing your emotions or exploding at your kids, you can learn to use your anger constructively to create positive change for your family.   In this episode, you'll discover why traditional anger control methods often backfire and learn a practical framework for responding to your anger in ways that honor both your emotional experience and your family's wellbeing. You'll understand when your anger is pointing to legitimate systemic problems versus when it's signaling you've hit your personal limits.   Questions this episode will answer Why do I get so angry as a parent? Parental anger often emerges when core values around fairness, respect, or safety are violated, or when you're overwhelmed and basic needs aren't being met.   What are the two types of anger parents experience? Values-Aligned Anger carries information about legitimate concerns and aims for positive change, while Reactive Anger emerges from overwhelm, triggers, or unmet basic needs.   How can I control my anger with my child? The HEAR method (Halt, Empathize, Acknowledge, Respond) provides a framework for responding to anger constructively rather than suppressing or exploding.   How does parental anger affect children? When parents model constructive anger responses, children learn that emotions can fuel positive change rather than destruction, and that their voices matter.   How do I deal with parental anger issues? Understanding whether your anger is Values-Aligned (requiring systemic changes) or Reactive (requiring self-care and healing) determines the most effective response strategy.   What are the symptoms of parental rage? Reactive anger typically comes suddenly with surprising intensity, seems disproportionate to triggers, and leaves you drained, while Values-Aligned anger builds gradually and energizes you toward solutions.   What you'll learn in this episode Why emotional suppression techniques often backfire and create "emotional rebound" effectsHow to distinguish between Values-Aligned Anger (pointing to systemic problems) and Reactive Anger (signaling overwhelm or triggers)The HEAR method for responding to anger constructively while maintaining family connectionPractical strategies for addressing the mental load and inequitable parenting responsibilitiesHow to model healthy anger responses that teach children their emotions have valueWhen to focus on systemic changes versus personal healing and self-careWhy your anger about impossible parenting standards reflects legitimate concerns about family-unfriendly systemsHow to break the Anger-Guilt Cycle that keeps parents stuck in suppression and explosion patterns   Taming Your Triggers  If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you: Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…   …the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.   Click the banner to sign up!   Jump to highlights 01:53 Introduction to today’s episode 03:50 Research shows that common anger management advice like breathing exercises and staying calm actually backfires, creating an emotional rebound that makes anger worse 05:40 A comprehensive research review by Richard and colleagues examined 46 studies on anger and found that anger serves important functions in our cognitive and emotional systems 06:07 The first type of anger, which is the Lordian Rage, according to Philosopher Myisha Cherry, but other researchers call it values-aligned anger or moral anger 07:50 The second type of anger is the reactive anger, and it emerges from overwhelm from past triggers getting activated or from basic needs that are not being met 09:10 You have to look at your own history and situation to know what kind of anger you’re dealing with 12:15 Both types of anger contain important information, but they're most effectively addressed with quite different responses. Jen has created a HEAR method: H for halt, E for empathize, A for acknowledge, and R for respond, which can be used when the anger is already building up 21:02 When you feel angry about shouldering a disproportionate share of family responsibilities, your anger reflects broader cultural patterns where domestic labor continues to fall more heavily on women 23:42 Ideas that can be gained from the discussion 24:40 An open invitation for the Taming Your Triggers workshop

Do you find yourself going from zero to a hundred in seconds when your child spills something, refuses to cooperate, or has a meltdown? If you're constantly asking yourself, "Why do I keep snapping at my child?" or "Why am I so angry as a parent?" - you're definitely not alone. Many parents struggle with parenting triggers that seem to come out of nowhere, leaving them wondering how such small incidents can create such big reactions.   What if your childhood "wasn't that bad" but you're still dealing with parenting anger? In this episode, we explore the connection between unknown childhood trauma and parenting triggers through a real coaching session with Terese, a teacher and mom of three who found herself snapping at her kids despite having plenty of support at home.   You'll discover how unresolved childhood trauma in adults shows up in parenting - even when we don't recognize our experiences as traumatic - and learn practical strategies to break generational cycles of yelling and reactivity.   Questions this episode will answer Can you have childhood trauma and not know it? Yes - many adults don't recognize patterns like walking on eggshells or constant criticism as signs of unresolved childhood trauma, but these experiences still create parenting triggers and shape how we respond to stress as parents.   Why do I get so angry as a parent when my childhood wasn't traumatic? Unknown childhood trauma often involves seemingly "normal" experiences that still create triggers in our nervous system, causing us to react intensely to situations that mirror our past, even if we don't identify our upbringing as traumatic.   What are the signs of unresolved childhood trauma in adults? Signs include quick reactivity to minor issues, parenting anger over small things, feeling like everything is "your fault," difficulty with self-compassion, and repeating patterns you experienced as a child - even from childhoods that seemed "fine."   How do I stop getting angry with my child? Breaking the cycle of parenting triggers involves recognizing your unknown childhood trauma patterns, meeting your basic needs (like movement and rest), and developing self-compassion instead of self-judgment.   How to deal with rage as a parent? Start by identifying your baseline needs, practice self-compassion when you do snap, work to separate your mother's voice from your own thoughts, and understand that parenting anger often stems from unresolved trauma and parenting patterns.   Why am I so triggered by my child when I had a normal childhood? Children often activate our own childhood wounds through their behavior, especially when it mirrors situations where we felt criticized or blamed as kids - even in families we remember as loving or "normal."   What you'll learn in this episode You'll hear how one parent's story of snapping over a bike ride reveals deeper patterns rooted in unknown childhood trauma - growing up with a mother who yelled frequently in what she considered a "normal" household. We explore how seemingly typical childhoods involving walking on eggshells create adults who struggle with self-compassion and parenting triggers, even when they don't identify their experiences as traumatic.   Discover practical strategies for addressing unresolved childhood trauma in adults, including how to identify your movement and rest baselines, why self-compassion is crucial for breaking cycles of parenting anger, and how to recognize when you're thinking critical thoughts rather than accepting them as truth. You'll learn why meeting your basic needs isn't selfish when dealing with parenting triggers - it's essential for showing up as the parent you want to be.   We also address how unresolved trauma and parenting intersect, showing you how to separate your own childhood experiences from your current parenting challenges. This episode offers hope for parents dealing with anger issues, demonstrating that understanding your triggers - even those rooted in unknown childhood trauma - is the first step toward responding to your kids with more patience and connection, regardless of whether you consider your childhood traumatic.   Taming Your Triggers  If you see that your relationship with your child isn’t where you want it to be because you: Speak to them in a tone or using words that you would never let other people use with your child…Are rougher with their bodies than you know you should be when you feel frustrated…Feel guilt and/or shame about how they’re experiencing your words and actions, even though your intentions are never to hurt them…   …the Taming Your Triggers Workshop will help you.   Click the banner to sign up!   Jump to highlights 01:29 Introduction to today’s episode 04:32 Terese is telling her experience where she snapped, from zero to a hundred 09:33 Terese shares about her childhood 13:18 Terese often notices she sometimes snaps at her children, and she's wondering if this connects to her own childhood experiences with her mother, who often yelled and blamed her 25:15 What Terese would advise her friend if that “snapping” situation happened to her 32:54 Tools that can help when you feel that you’re about to snap 33:55 An open invitation to the Taming Your Triggers workshop

Every parent knows that harsh inner voice that whispers "You're a terrible parent" when you lose your patience, or "You've ruined your kids forever" after a difficult moment. This episode reveals a simple "magic trick" that can instantly create space between you and those critical thoughts - and it's something anyone can learn.   Discover how one powerful phrase can transform your reactions from triggered explosions to curious responses. You'll learn where your inner critic actually comes from (hint: it's often an echo from your own childhood), and how reparenting yourself can break generational cycles of trauma.   This episode recaps the following episodes, giving you a lot of the benefit of 3 hours of content, in just 21 minutes: SYPM 017: Reparenting ourselves to create empathy in the world with Amy178: How to heal your inner critic193: You don't have to believe everything you think   Questions This Episode Will Answer What is the inner critic and how does it affect parenting? The inner critic is that harsh, judgmental voice that tells you you're failing as a parent. It often stems from childhood trauma and can trigger explosive reactions to normal child behavior.   Where does the inner critic come from? Your inner critic is usually an internalized version of critical voices from your childhood - parents, teachers, or caregivers who couldn't handle your authentic self or big emotions.   How do you identify your inner critic? Watch for thoughts using absolute language ("always," "never," "terrible"), character judgments ("I'm a bad parent"), catastrophic conclusions, and voices that sound like critical figures from your past.   What does reparenting yourself mean? Reparenting yourself means giving yourself the patience, understanding, and compassion you didn't receive as a child - becoming the caring parent to yourself that you needed growing up.   How do you reparent yourself as a parent? Start by questioning your thoughts instead of believing them automatically. When you notice self-critical thoughts, respond to yourself with the same gentleness you'd offer a dear friend or your own child.   How can you break the generational cycle of trauma? Use tools like the ‘magic trick’ from this episode to create space between your triggered reactions and conscious responses, allowing you to respond from your values instead of reacting from old wounds.   What are common inner critic examples parents experience? "Everyone thinks I'm a bad parent", "I'm raising a disrespectful child", "I've damaged my child forever", "Other parents are better than me", and "I'm just repeating my parents' mistakes".   How does childhood trauma affect parenting? Unresolved childhood trauma can make you react disproportionately to normal child behavior, shut down emotionally when children express big emotions, or swing between being too permissive and too strict.   What You'll Learn in This Episode The Simple ‘Magic Trick’ That Changes Everything Learn the exact phrase that instantly creates distance between you and your critical thoughts, giving you space to respond differently in challenging parenting moments.   Real Parent Examples of Transformation Hear Katie's story of how this technique helped her stop spiraling when her friend didn't call back, and Amy's powerful example of interrupting explosive anger with her children after recognizing the pattern.   How to Identify Your Inner Critic Patterns Discover the four key signs that reveal when your inner critic is driving your reactions, including the specific language patterns and emotional triggers to watch for.   The Connection Between Childhood Trauma and Parenting Understand how experiences that left you unable to express your authentic self safely create the inner critic voices that get triggered by your children's normal behavior.   A 5-Step Practice You Can Use Today Get a concrete framework for noticing stories, adding the "magic words," getting curious about other possibilities, checking your body, and practicing self-compassion.   How This Creates Space for Different Choices Learn how stepping back from your thoughts as absolute truth opens up new possibilities for responding to your child's behavior with curiosity instead of reactivity.   Breaking Generational Cycles in Your Family Discover how using this technique not only changes your parenting but teaches your children emotional intelligence and conflict resolution skills they'll carry into adulthood.   Reparenting Yourself Through Daily Interactions Understand how this simple practice becomes a form of reparenting yourself - giving yourself the patient, understanding voice you needed as a child but may not have received.   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Click the banner to learn more!     Printable PDF: 5 Steps on Reparenting Yourself: A Magic Trick to Break Your Family's Trauma Cycle   Jump to highlights 01:28 What’s packed into today’s episode 02:19 That voice in our heads that’s constantly judging us and makes parenting so much harder is called the inner critic 05:03 How can we identify this inner critic and separate it from what’s really happening? What triggers our inner critic? 06:44 You don’t have to believe everything you think 14:10 When we believe our thoughts completely, we only see one version of reality, but stepping back to recognize these as thoughts rather than facts opens up new possibilities for how we understand our children, partners, and ourselves as parents 15:32 What is reparenting? 17:31 Wrapping up

Does your child's behavior sometimes trigger such an instant, overwhelming reaction that you find yourself yelling before you even realize what happened?   That moment when your jaw clenches, your shoulders tense, and suddenly you're saying things you wish you could take back? You're experiencing what millions of parents face daily - a nervous system response that happens faster than conscious thought.   This episode reveals the science behind why willpower alone isn't enough to stop yelling, and introduces you to specific, learnable skills that can transform how you respond to your child's most challenging moments.   You'll discover what's actually happening in your body during those triggered moments, why suppressing your anger isn't the answer, and how your emotional responses are teaching your child crucial lessons about handling life's difficulties.   Most importantly, you'll learn practical techniques that work in real parenting situations - not theoretical advice that falls apart when your preschooler has a meltdown in the grocery store.   This summary episode makes all the research from several much longer episodes available for time-strapped parents.  If you want to learn more, these episodes will help: 056: Beyond “You’re OK!”: Modeling Emotion Regulation082: Regulating emotions: What, When, & How129: The physical reasons you yell at your kids   Questions this episode will answer What is emotional regulation and why do parents struggle with it? Emotional regulation is monitoring, evaluating, and modifying emotional reactions to accomplish your parenting goals. Parents struggle because stress triggers happen faster than rational thought.   Why do I yell at my child even when I don't want to? Your sympathetic nervous system floods your body with stress hormones before your rational brain registers what's happening, making yelling an automatic response.   What are the best emotional regulation techniques for parents? Simple grounding techniques like conscious breathing, body awareness, and reappraisal strategies that work with your nervous system instead of against it.  When you use these techniques makes all the difference.   How do I stop yelling as a parent without suppressing my emotions? Learn to acknowledge your emotions while using grounding techniques to create space between your automatic reaction and your chosen response.   Does yelling at your child affect them long-term? Yes, children learn emotional regulation by watching how you handle intense moments. Your responses teach them whether emotions are safe or dangerous.   How can I improve my emotional regulation as a busy parent? Practice recognizing your body's early warning signals and use quick techniques like one conscious breath or muscle awareness throughout the day.  This will help your body to learn the skills when the stakes are lower, so they’ll be more accessible in the difficult moments.   What you'll learn in this episode You'll discover the biological reason why "just stay calm" doesn't work and why your body reacts to parenting stress the same way it responds to actual danger.   Learn to identify your personal early warning signals and how to use them as valuable information rather than problems to ignore.   Master simple grounding techniques that take seconds, not minutes, including the power of one conscious breath and how touching different textures can bring you back to the present moment.   You'll understand the difference between emotional suppression (which actually increases stress for both you and your child) and healthy emotional acknowledgment that models resilience.   Explore the concept of reappraisal and discover how assuming positive intent can completely change your response.   Learn why your strongest reactions often connect to your own childhood experiences and how recognizing these patterns can help you respond to what's actually happening right now.   Finally, understand how your emotional regulation directly impacts your child's developing nervous system and why the work you do on yourself becomes one of the most powerful parenting tools you have.   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Click the banner to learn more!     Jump to highlights 01:43 Introduction to today’s episode 04:21 What is emotion regulation? 05:16 Parenting triggers are situations that activate our stress response based on our own past experiences 06:31 The first step in developing more effective responses is learning to recognize your body's early warning signals 07:48 When you notice the early warning signs, this is where we can use what researchers call grounding techniques. Strategies that can bring your nervous system back into balance using tools like breathing, movement, or touch 13:07 Children learn about their own emotional responses in three main ways 16:16 When our children's actions spark intense reactions in us, we're usually responding to old wounds rather than what's happening in the moment 17:19 Other ways to practice emotion regulation in daily life 18:32 Wrapping up

If you've been scrolling TikTok or parenting forums lately, you've probably encountered FAFO parenting - the trending approach that's being positioned as the antidote to ‘overly permissive’ gentle parenting. Standing for ‘F*** Around and Find Out,’ this parenting style centers on letting children experience harsh consequences without parental intervention, even when parents could easily prevent those consequences.   But is FAFO parenting actually effective, or does it create more problems than it solves? In this comprehensive episode, we explore what FAFO parenting really looks like in practice, examine the research behind popular parenting approaches, and uncover why both FAFO and traditional gentle parenting often miss the mark.   Most importantly, we'll discover collaborative alternatives that meet both children's developmental needs and parents' legitimate needs - without the exhaustion of scripted responses or the relationship damage of harsh consequences.   Questions this episode will answer What does FAFO parenting actually mean? FAFO stands for "F*** Around and Find Out" - an approach where parents let children experience unpleasant consequences without intervention, believing this teaches better decision-making.   What are real examples of FAFO parenting in action? Examples include letting a child walk home in the rain without a coat, throwing away toys left on the floor, and making children buy their own underwear after accidents.   Why is FAFO parenting gaining popularity among parents? Parents exhausted by gentle parenting scripts and constant negotiation are attracted to FAFO's apparent simplicity and the promise of teaching children through direct consequences.   What's the difference between consequences and punishments in parenting? Authentic consequences happen naturally (getting cold without a jacket), while punishments are artificially created by parents (throwing away toys, withholding food, or requiring that kids replace underwear they’ve soiled).   Does gentle parenting actually create "soft" children? Research doesn't support this claim. Most of what's called "gentle parenting" online is actually scripted control, and a fear of children’s big feelings, not truly responsive parenting.   Why might children lie more when parents use FAFO approaches? When honesty consistently leads to harsh consequences parents could prevent, children learn that hiding problems is safer than seeking help.   What really causes behavioral challenges in today's children? Multiple factors including increased academic pressure, reduced recess, economic stress, social media impact, and less community support - not parenting styles alone (or screen time alone either!).   Is authoritative parenting really the "gold standard" research proves? The original authoritative parenting research included spanking and only compared four control-based approaches, missing collaborative alternatives that work even better.   What you'll learn in this episode The hidden problems with FAFO parenting that can damage parent-child relationships: Discover how this approach can increase lying, reduce trust, and position parents as adversaries rather than allies in their children's development.   Why most "gentle parenting" isn't actually gentle: Learn how scripted validation and sweetener offers are really just "control with lipstick," and why this approach exhausts parents without meeting children's real needs.   The real reasons behind children's challenging behaviors: Understand the complex factors affecting today's kids, from school pressure to reduced community support, and why behavior is often communication about unmet needs.   How to move beyond the false choice between "tough" and "soft" parenting: Explore collaborative approaches that set effective boundaries while maintaining connection, using curiosity about underlying needs rather than reactive consequences.   Alternatives that work better than both FAFO and scripted gentle parenting: Discover practical tools for meeting both parents' and children's psychological needs through creative problem-solving.   How your parenting approach shapes the culture your family creates: Learn why the methods you choose today influence not just compliance, but the kind of adults your children become and the world they'll help create.   Ready to move beyond the parenting extremes and discover what actually builds cooperation, trust, and resilience in children? Listen now to transform your approach from managing behavior to building relationships that last.   Other episodes mentioned 183: What I wish I'd known about parenting154: Authoritative isn't the best parenting style   Jump to highlights 01:23 Introduction of today’s podcast 02:33 What FAFO parenting looks like 06:07 FAFO parenting confuses punishment with consequences 10:33 FAFO parenting may damage the parent-child relationship 11:53 Research shows us that children thrive when they have a secure relationship with their caregivers 15:55 What people actually mean when they say ‘gentle parenting’? 22:39 The real reasons behind kids' behavior challenges that FAFO parenting misses 27:52 FAFO parenting often encourages children to lie and hide mistakes rather than being honest, since telling the truth leads to unpleasant consequences 32:33 FAFO parenting sees stopping undesirable behavior as more important than understanding it 47:39 FAFO parenting skips over the possibility of meeting both people's needs. It assumes that when there's a conflict, someone has to lose and usually that someone is the child 51:27 An open invitation for Setting Loving (& Effective!) Limits workshop 52:51 Wrapping up the discussion   References The Cut article: Petrow, J. (2023, March 22). Is gentle parenting effective? The Cut. https://www.thecut.com/2023/03/is-gentle-parenting-effective.html New York Times article: Blinder, A. (2015, April 1). Atlanta educators convicted in school cheating scandal. The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2015/04/02/us/verdict-reached-in-atlanta-school-testing-trial.html

Ever wondered about alternative paths to educate your child outside the traditional school system? My guest today is Laura Moore, who spent 15 years in early childhood education - and who is now exploring homeschooling alternatives, including unschooling, for her own child.   As a teacher and mother of a 3.5-year-old, Laura brings a unique insider perspective to the education debate. She opens up about witnessing the limitations of the current school system, the pressure children face to conform to rigid schedules, and why she's questioning whether traditional schooling truly serves our children's best interests.   You'll hear a raw, honest conversation between two parents grappling with real concerns about education choices. Laura shares her genuine questions about balancing work with alternative education, handling judgment from others, and whether children can truly thrive outside the conventional system. Her curiosity about unschooling leads to fascinating insights about child-led learning, maintaining boundaries while honoring children's natural rhythms, and creating educational experiences that preserve rather than diminish curiosity.   Questions this episode will answer What is unschooling and how does it work?How is unschooling different from homeschooling?Can you homeschool while working full time?What are the pros and cons of homeschooling?How to get started with homeschooling?Is homeschooling better than traditional education?What are the advantages of homeschooling?What's wrong with the traditional education system?How do you handle judgment about homeschooling decisions?Do homeschooled children get into college?How do homeschooled children get socialization?What's the role of parents in unschooling?How do you balance work and alternative education as a family?What happens to children's natural curiosity in traditional school?   What you'll learn in this episode The insider perspective on traditional education's limitations: Hear firsthand from a teacher about the systemic issues affecting children's learning and wellbeing in conventional schools, including the impact of rigid scheduling and underfunding.   How unschooling preserves children's natural curiosity: Discover why traditional schooling often kills children's innate desire to learn and how alternative approaches can maintain and nurture this crucial trait throughout childhood.   Practical strategies for balancing work and alternative education: Learn how to homeschool while working full time, including realistic approaches for working parents, flexible scheduling, community programs, and family support systems.   Discover the advantages and disadvantages of homeschooling: Get a comprehensive overview of homeschooling pros and cons compared to traditional education, and develop a practical homeschooling plan for families considering alternatives.   The truth about socialization in homeschooling: Understand how homeschooled children actually develop social skills and why the diversity of real-world interactions often surpasses traditional classroom socialization.   How to handle family and social pressure about education choices: Get specific strategies for responding to criticism and judgment while staying true to your family's values and educational philosophy.   Real examples of learning without formal curriculum: See how everyday activities like volunteering at animal shelters, helping with household tasks, and following natural interests create rich learning opportunities.   The college and career reality for unschooled children: Learn about the actual pathways to higher education and career success for children educated outside the traditional system, including inspiring real-world examples.   How to trust your child's learning process: Understand the mindset shift required to move from controlling education to supporting natural learning, including how to recognize learning that doesn't look like traditional schoolwork.   Setting healthy boundaries while honoring children's needs: Discover how to maintain structure and meet practical requirements while respecting children's capacity, interests, and natural rhythms.   FAQ How do you maintain structure without being too rigid like schools? Find a balance between saying yes to everything and having super rigid boundaries. You can maintain routine and predictability while still respecting what children want to do and what their bodies are telling them. This means having some structure so children know what's coming next, but staying flexible enough to honor their natural rhythms and genuine needs.   What if my child isn't meeting traditional grade-level expectations? Children learn most effectively when they're genuinely interested and ready. A 10-year-old learned multiplication tables up to 9x9 in just one week using a satisfying toy button, after years of traditional teaching methods hadn't worked. When children are truly ready and interested, they absorb information quickly and naturally without the lengthy "drip feeding" that forced instruction often requires.   How do you deal with judgment from family and friends? Your approach should depend on your relationship with the person. For close family members who you see regularly, have honest conversations about their concerns - they likely want what's best for your child and may have fears about nontraditional paths. For casual acquaintances or strangers, you don't need to justify your choices. Remember that others' strong opinions often reflect their own fears and unmet needs rather than real concerns about your situation.   Can homeschooled kids really get into college? Yes, through several pathways: community college (which provides official transcripts and teacher recommendations), standardized testing at designated centers, or parent-created transcripts. Homeschooled students often excel in college because they maintain their natural curiosity and genuine interest in learning, rather than just asking "what do I need to do to get an A?" They're more likely to approach professors with genuine questions about research and exploration.   How do working parents make homeschooling work practically? Many arrangements work successfully. The only scenario that typically doesn't work is when all parents must be out of the house full-time with no alternative childcare. Successful arrangements include: parents with alternating work schedules, part-time not-school programs, family exchanges (watching each other's children on different days), flexible work-from-home arrangements, and children participating in parents' businesses when age-appropriate.   What about socialization - won't my child miss out? Homeschooled children often experience more diverse and authentic social interactions than traditional school provides. Even in supposedly diverse schools, children often segregate by race and academic track. Homeschool communities and not-school programs typically offer more adult support for navigating social situations, encourage cross-age friendships, and foster more genuine connections without the artificial social pressures common in traditional school environments.   Do I need to know everything my child needs to learn? No. Learning happens naturally through everyday experiences and genuine interest. When children are motivated by real goals, they can learn remarkably quickly - one parent learned all the math needed for university entrance exams in just six months when she was ready and motivated. Children naturally learn what they need when they need it, often much more efficiently than premature, forced instruction provides.   Ready to Support Your Child's Natural Learning Whether this episode has you considering unschooling, reinforced your commitment to traditional schooling, or left you somewhere in between, one thing is clear: every child deserves to have their natural curiosity and love of learning nurtured.   Just like Laura discovered, learning happens everywhere - in everyday conversations, through helping with household tasks, during visits to museums, and in those spontaneous moments when your child asks "why?".   The challenge for parents isn't choosing the "right" educational path, but knowing how to support meaningful learning wherever your child is.   The Learning Membership gives you the tools to nurture your child's development whether they're in traditional school, homeschooled, or unschooled. You'll discover how to: Turn everyday moments into rich learning opportunities (just like Laura does with her daughter)Support your child's interests and curiosity without becoming the "teacher" parentCreate a home environment that enhances rather than competes with whatever educational approach you choose   Inside the membership, you'll find research-backed strategies that work alongside any educational setting, helping you become the parent who nurtures learning rather than forcing it. Your child's curiosity is precious - don't let it get lost in debates about educational methods.   We'll get you...

When Sara's four-year-old son started asking permission to use art supplies he'd always freely accessed before, she knew something had shifted. After a year in a (loving, high-quality!) preschool, her previously autonomous child was suddenly seeking approval for things that had never required it. Sara had never required this at home, and in fact it worried her because it didn't fit with her values to treat her son as a whole person.   If this shift was happening so obviously at home, what other changes might be occurring that she couldn't see yet - changes that might not align with what mattered most to her family?   Sara wished she could homeschool, but knew it wasn't in the cards. Seeing the shift in her son showed her that once her son started formal school, she was going to be the one who helped him to stay connected to learning that wasn't just based on rote memorization.   But how would she do this, when she wasn't a teacher?   In this conversation, Sara shares how she learned to step back from teaching and instead scaffold her son's innate curiosity about everything from astronauts to construction vehicles. As an architect and immigrant parent navigating cultural pressures around achievement, Sara's story reveals how supporting your child's interests rather than directing their learning can transform both your relationship and their confidence as a learner.   Whether you're working full-time, in school, homeschooling, or simply wondering how to nurture your child's curiosity without taking over, Sara's practical examples show that interest-based learning doesn't have to add a lot of work to busy family life. It becomes an organic part of how you connect and explore the world together.   Questions this episode will answer What does interest-based learning look like in real family life?How can parents support learning without taking over their child's exploration?What is scaffolding in education and how do you do it effectively?How do you identify and follow your child's genuine interests?What are learning explorations and how do they differ from traditional teaching?How can working parents implement interest-led learning with limited time?What role should documentation play in supporting children's learning?How do you overcome perfectionism when supporting your child's education?What does "following the child" mean in practice?How can parents build their child's creative problem-solving skills?   What you'll learn in this episode You'll discover practical strategies for supporting your child's innate curiosity without turning into the teacher. Sara shares specific examples of learning explorations around space and construction vehicles that show how to scaffold learning by asking questions instead of providing answers.   You'll learn to recognize when your child is truly engaged versus when you've taken over their exploration. The episode reveals how small shifts in language - things like pausing and saying: "Hmmm…I wonder?" instead of immediately explaining - can transform everyday moments into meaningful learning opportunities.   This simple shift transitions the responsibility for learning from you back to your child, and invites them to consider how their current question fits with what they already know.   It also establishes a habit of what we do when we have questions: we don't simply jump to Google or ChatGPT; we first work to understand whether we might actually already have the answer (or something close to it) ourselves. This protects our kids against the stupidification that research warns us is happening now that we can turn to AI to answer our every question.   Sara's journey from perfectionist parent (her parents' motto when she was a child: "Be The Best!") to confident learning supporter demonstrates how to observe your child's interests, provide just enough support without overwhelming them, and trust their inherent learning process. You'll understand why creative problem-solving and metacognition matter more than traditional academics for young children.   The conversation addresses common concerns about balancing alternative learning approaches with mainstream schooling, handling cultural pressures around achievement, and fitting interest-led learning into busy working parent schedules.   FAQ What is interest-based learning and how is it different from traditional teaching? Interest-based learning starts with your child's genuine curiosity rather than a predetermined curriculum. Instead of teaching facts, you support your child's exploration by asking questions, providing resources, and creating opportunities for discovery. Sara's space exploration example shows how this leads to deeper engagement than traditional instruction.   How do you scaffold children's learning without taking over? Scaffolding means providing just enough support for your child to succeed independently. This includes asking "I wonder" questions, offering resources like books or field trips, and connecting them with experts, but always following their interest level. The key is stepping back when they're engaged and only stepping in when they need specific information to continue.   What does "following the child" mean in practice? “Following the child” means observing what genuinely interests them through their play and questions, then providing opportunities to explore those interests more deeply. It's recognizing your child as a complete person with their own drive to learn, rather than someone who needs constant direction from adults.   What are learning explorations and how do you start them? Learning explorations begin with your child's question or interest. Your role is to avoid giving immediate answers and instead ask follow-up questions or suggest ways to investigate together. The goal is the process of discovery, not reaching a specific conclusion or "correct" answer.   How can working parents implement interest-led learning? Interest-led learning happens naturally in daily life during car rides, grocery shopping, or weekend activities. Once you understand your supportive role, it becomes effortless rather than an additional task. The key is shifting from teaching mode to curious companion mode in everyday interactions.   Why is creative problem-solving more important than traditional academics? Creative problem-solving and metacognition (thinking about thinking) are foundational skills that support all other learning. When children develop these abilities through interest-led exploration, they become confident learners who can tackle any subject with curiosity and persistence.  Most of what is taught in school is content, which is now easily accessible at the push of a button.   How do you overcome perfectionism when supporting your child's learning? Begin by noticing where perfectionism came from in you: most likely in response to a reward (praise when you complied) or punishment (threatened or actual withdrawal of approval/love) for performance.  Recognize that your child's learning process is naturally iterative. They observe patterns, theorize, and correct themselves over time. Trust their innate drive to understand the world. Focus on the exploration process rather than achieving perfect outcomes or answers.   What is the main purpose of documentation in learning? Documentation captures your child's learning journey so they can revisit and build upon their discoveries over time. It also helps you to feel more confident as a learning partner, because you’ll see how your own ability to support your child grows over time.  It's not about perfect record-keeping but creating a resource for your child to see their own thinking and growth patterns.   How do you balance alternative learning with mainstream school expectations? You can support interest-led learning at home while your child attends traditional school. Focus on afternoons, evenings, and weekends as opportunities to follow their curiosity.  It doesn’t have to take additional time: Sara’s son often uses the time in the car on their way to school to notice what’s happening in their town and make hypotheses about what’s happening. This approach helps build a more well-rounded approach to learning than the content-heavy focus children will follow in school.   What if I don't know anything about my child's area of interest? Not knowing about the topic is actually an advantage because it removes the temptation to teach! You become a fellow explorer, helping them find resources and asking genuine questions. This creates a more engaging dynamic than having an ‘expert’ parent lecture about the subject.   Ready to Support Your Child's Learning Like Sara? Sara's transformation from perfectionist parent to confident learning supporter didn't happen overnight. But it started with understanding how learning really works and her role in supporting it.   If you're inspired by Sara's journey and want to develop the same confidence in supporting your child's natural curiosity, the Learning Membership gives you everything you need to get started.   Inside the membership, you'll learn to: Identify your child's genuine interests (not just the random ones they announce when you ask: “What do you want to learn about?”);Scaffold their learning by asking the right questions instead of providing answers;Turn everyday...

What if the most powerful gift you could give your child isn't a college fund, but the skills to create their own income at age 10? When my daughter Carys started pet sitting, she didn't just earn money (although she does now have $759 in a retirement savings account that could become over $100,000 by the time she needs it).   She’s also developing initiative, follow-through, boundary setting, and client communication skills that many adults find difficult.   This episode reveals why ages 8-12 represent a unique window for developing real-world capabilities through meaningful work. You'll discover how kid businesses naturally teach the life skills parents spend years trying to instill through chores and consequences, from morning routines and organization to persistence with difficult tasks and clear communication about capacity and needs.   You’ll learn the practical details of supporting a young entrepreneur without taking over, addressing common concerns about safety, childhood, and academic pressure while showing how business skills actually enhance learning and development. Questions this episode will answer: What age should kids start a business and why? Ages 8-12 are ideal because kids can handle real responsibility but aren't overwhelmed by teenage social pressures, plus adults are more patient and supportive with young entrepreneurs.   What business skills can young kids actually develop? Taking initiative, following through on commitments, organization, client communication, boundary setting, persistence through challenges, financial planning, and so much more: all skills that develop through real work.   How do you support a kid's business without taking over? Be a "guide on the side" by asking questions instead of giving answers, stepping in only when they hit capacity limits, and letting them learn from manageable failures.   What types of businesses work best for kids this age? Service-based businesses with low startup costs that match kid strengths: think pet care, yard work, parent's helper babysitting, simple crafts, tech support for seniors, and tutoring younger kids.   Is starting a business safe for young children? Yes, with proper systems: initial parent involvement, communication protocols, schedule awareness, and safety equipment like walkie-talkies for new situations.   How is this different from traditional chores and allowance? Kid businesses create direct feedback loops between work quality and real consequences, plus children choose their involvement level rather than having tasks imposed on them.   What about their education and childhood play time? Business work typically takes less time than kids spend on screens, enhances academic learning through real-world application, and provides meaningful alternatives to entertainment that doesn’t require much thinking.   How do you handle the money management aspect? Open age-appropriate bank accounts, teach about how money can grow over the long term in retirement savings accounts.  Discuss values-based spending, including charitable giving and long-term goals.   What you'll learn in this episode: Why the 8-12 age range creates optimal conditions for developing business skills without academic or social pressureHow kid businesses naturally teach organization, time management, and systems thinking that parents struggle to instill through traditional methodsPractical examples of how young entrepreneurs develop emotional regulation, boundary setting, and clear communication about their capacity and needsThe "guide on the side" approach to supporting kids without taking over their learning processSafety protocols and systems that protect young business owners while building real-world confidenceHow to identify service-based business opportunities that match your child's interests and community needsThe compound effect of early financial literacy, including retirement savings strategies for kid entrepreneursWhy neurodivergent children often thrive in business contexts where their differences become strengths rather than challengesThe answers to common parental concerns about childhood, safety, education, and an excessive focus on moneyReal-world examples from a successful 10-year-old pet sitting business, including client interactions, problem-solving scenarios, and financial outcomes   Ready to help your child develop skills they’ll need in the future? The Learning Membership helps you become the "guide on the side" who follows your child's true interests and supports them in developing the crucial capabilities they will need.   You'll learn to identify the theories your child is building about the world, connect them with resources to answer their own questions, and help them solve problems that have real meaning to real people, not just assignments designed to grade performance.   We'll get you notified when doors reopen! Click the banner to learn more!     Jump to highlights 01:58 Introduction to today’s episode 06:33 When children take on entrepreneurial responsibilities early, they naturally develop the ability to manage their own school preparation and daily organization instead of relying on parents to remember everything for them 13:51 Reliability isn't some complex trait; it's simply the practice of consistently following through on commitments, and children learn this best when they face real but age-appropriate consequences for their choices 19:45 What kinds of businesses actually work for kids aged 8-12 years old? 25:01 The need to save for retirement reflects a broken system where community care has been replaced by individual financial responsibility, but teaching children some skills gives them the option to choose meaningful work over desperate survival while contributing to rebuilding more caring communities 33:45 Common concerns or issues parents express when they learn about a 10-year-old running their own business 50:10 If the idea of starting a business sounds interesting to you, where do you begin? 54:02 An open invitation for Mind Your Business: For Kids 54:52 Wrapping up  

Are you worried that social media is destroying your teen's mental health? You're not alone. Jonathan Haidt's bestselling book The Anxious Generation has parents everywhere wondering if smartphones are rewiring their kids' brains and creating a mental health crisis. But before you rush to ban your teen's phone, you need to hear what the research actually shows.   This summary episode brings together all the key insights from our 4-part series examining The Anxious Generation. We take a deep dive into the data behind the teen mental health crisis claims, giving you the essential findings in one convenient episode. You'll discover why those alarming statistics might not mean what you think they do, and why the correlation between social media use and teen depression is actually smaller than the correlation between eating potatoes and teen wellbeing.   We'll explore what really drives teen mental health struggles, from family relationships to academic pressure, and why control-based approaches like phone bans often backfire, pushing our kids further away when they need us most.   Questions This Episode Will Answer Is there really a teen mental health crisis caused by social media? The dramatic statistics may reflect better screening and diagnosis rather than new cases caused by technology.   Does social media actually cause teen depression and anxiety? Research shows the correlation is smaller than that between eating potatoes and teen wellbeing, explaining less than 1% of variance.   Should parents ban phones at school to help kids focus? Academic declines are tiny and international data doesn't support the phone-blame theory.   Will banning my teen's phone at home solve their mental health problems? Control-based approaches often backfire and damage the parent-child relationship.   What affects teen mental health more than social media? Family relationships, academic pressure, sleep, economic stress, and school environment have much bigger impacts.   How can I help my teen with technology without taking it away? Focus on connection, listen more, work together on limits, and address bigger stressors.   Why do teens turn to their phones so much? Phones provide autonomy, connection, and relevance that teens often don't find elsewhere.   What do teens who self-harm actually say about social media? Many feel frustrated by attempts to blame social media and see the narrative as wrong and unhelpful.   How can I create healthy technology habits without damaging trust? Include your teen in creating rules, focus on relationship building, and address underlying needs.   What should I do if I'm worried about my teen's phone use? Look at the whole picture, build connections through listening, and work together on solutions.   What You'll Learn in This Episode Why the "hockey stick" graphs showing teen mental health decline might be misleading, and what factors like better screening and diagnostic changes actually explainThe surprising truth about social media research - including why studies showing harm have major flaws and why effect sizes are incredibly smallWhat the international data really shows about teen mental health across countries with similar smartphone adoption ratesWhy family relationships, not screen time, are the strongest predictor of teen wellbeing according to emergency room dataHow control-based approaches like phone bans create sneaking, secrecy, and damaged trust instead of healthier habitsThe real reasons teens turn to phones - and how to address underlying needs for autonomy, connection, and relevanceEvidence-based strategies for supporting teen mental health that focus on connection over controlWhy different communities experience teen distress differently, and how this affects our understanding of social media's impactHow to have technology conversations with your teen that build trust rather than create power strugglesPractical approaches for creating compelling offline experiences and supporting your teen's individual needs   Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s Book The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link)   Resources The Anxious Generation Resources   Jump to highlights 00:00 Teaser of today’s episode 02:52 There's a widespread misconception about the teen mental health crisis. People often misunderstand both the root causes and the appropriate responses. Essentially, there's a real problem, but we're looking in the wrong places for causes and solutions 05:08 What’s been covered in the previous episodes of The Anxious Generation Review series 09:06 Social media's mental health impact is small for most teens compared to family relationships, sleep, economics, and academics, though it can harm vulnerable teens while helping marginalized youth find community 12:36 Strategies that can help you support your child 14:44 Wrapping up the series about The Anxious Generation review 16:22 An open invitation to The Anxious Generation resources and scripts to help you talk with your kids about screen time in age-appropriate ways   References Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016). Epi-Aid 2016-018: Undetermined risk factors for suicide among youth, ages 10–24 — Santa Clara County, CA, 2016. Santa Clara County Public Health Department. https://files.santaclaracounty.gov/migrated/cdc-samhsa-epi-aid-final-report-scc-phd-2016.pdf City of Palo Alto. (2021). City of Palo Alto: Suicide prevention policy and mental health promotion [Draft policy document]. Project Safety Net. https://www.psnyouth.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/DRAFT-Palo-Alto-Suicide-Prevention-Policy-and-Mental-Health-Promotion-dT.pdf Clinical Practice Research Datalink. Clinical Practice Research Datalink (CPRD) is a real-world research service supporting retrospective and prospective public health and clinical studies. CPRD. https://www.cprd.com/ College Drinking Prevention. (n.d.). Prevalence. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. https://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/statistics/prevalence Community Epidemiology and Research Division. (n.d.). Just say no, DARE, and programs like it don’t work—So why are they still around?https://www.cerd.org/just-say-no-dare-and-programs-like-it-dont-work-so-why-are-they-still-around/ Concordia University. (n.d.). A brief history of women in sports. https://kinesiology.csp.edu/sports-coaches-and-trainers/a-brief-history-of-women-in-sports/ Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2022). Young people’s perceptions of their parents’ expectations and criticism are increasing over time: Implications for perfectionism. Psychological Bulletin, 148(1-2), 107-128. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000347 Durlak, J. A., & Wells, A. M. (1997). Primary prevention mental health programs for children and adolescents: A meta-analytic review [Archived document]. Indiana University. https://web.archive.org/web/20140824031650/http:/www.indiana.edu/~safeschl/ztze.pdf Eschner, K. (2017, August 26). The rise of the modern sportswoman. Smithsonian Magazine. https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/rise-modern-sportswoman-180960174/ Evolve’s Behavioral Health Content Team. (2019, September 13). Long-term trends in suicidal ideation and suicide attempts among adolescents and young adults. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/long-term-trends-suicidal-ideation-suicide-attempts-adolescents-young-adults/ Evolve’s Behavioral Health Content Team. (2020, July 27). Mental health and suicide statistics for teens in Santa Clara County. Evolve Treatment Centers. a...

In Part 1, we looked at the evidence for the teen 'mental health crisis.'   In Part 2, we reviewed the evidence for whether social media is causing the so-called 'teen mental health crisis.   In Part 3, we began looking at what to do about the effects of phones on kids - starting with school cell phone bans.   If you've read The Anxious Generation or heard about Dr. Jean Twenge's forthcoming book 10 Rules for Raising Kids in a High-Tech World, you might be wondering whether it's time to implement strict family phone rules and teenage social media limits in your home. These digital parenting experts promise clear solutions: you're in charge, no phones in bedrooms, no social media until 16. But what happens when these teenage phone rules meet the reality of family life?   In this final episode of our Anxious Generation series, we explore why traditional approaches to limit social media time often backfire spectacularly - and what effective digital parenting looks like instead. You'll discover why rigid teenage mobile phone rules can actually push kids further away from you, how punishment-based approaches to social media teens mirror the failed DARE program, and why the child who follows rules perfectly at home might be the one taking bigger risks when they're finally on their own. We'll also share practical, relationship-based alternatives that help you address real concerns about teenage social media use while building trust and connection with your child.   Questions this episode will answer How do you set social media limits with your teen? Focus on collaborative conversations about how technology affects them, rather than imposing rigid teenage social media limits without their input.   Should social media be limited for teens? Blanket restrictions often backfire; effective digital parenting involves understanding individual needs and working together on healthy boundaries.   How to limit cellphone use for teenager without damaging trust? Use connection-first approaches that explore their experiences rather than immediately jumping to restrictive family phone rules.   How much time should a teenager spend on their phone? The answer varies by individual; focus on how social media affects your teen rather than arbitrary time limits.   How to stop teenage phone addiction using collaborative methods? Address underlying needs that drive excessive use while maintaining open dialogue about concerning content and working together on solutions.   Why is it important for parents to guide children on the internet? Teens internet safety requires ongoing conversation and support, not just restrictions, to help them navigate digital challenges independently.   Should parents have control over their child's social media? Effective parenting social media approaches balance safety concerns with respecting teens' growing autonomy and need for peer connection.   What you'll learn in this episode Why traditional family phone rules and "you're in charge" digital parenting approaches often strengthen the very behaviors you're trying to eliminateThe hidden parallels between attempts to limit social media usage and failed drug prevention programs like DARE - and what this means for your familyHow to recognize when your teen's social media use is a coping mechanism for other struggles, and what to address instead of just restricting timePractical strategies for creating meaningful offline experiences that genuinely compete with digital entertainment, addressing core questions about how much time should a teenager spend on their phoneReal conversation scripts for discussing teenage social media use with tweens, teens, neurodivergent children, and kids who may be experiencing social media-related harmWhy some children need social media access for mental health support, and how to balance teens internet safety with connection to vital communitiesEvidence-based approaches to parenting social media that build trust while addressing legitimate safety concerns about teenage social media use   Here are the scripts for discussing screen use with teens: Script for Neurotypical Teen Not at Risk Script for Neurotypical TWEEN Not at Risk Script for Neurodivergent Teen Script for Teen at Risk   Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s Book The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link)   Jump to highlights  00:00 Teaser on what today’s episode is all about 03:21 10 Concrete rules on how to manage kids and the technology that surrounds them, according to Dr. Jean Twenge upcoming book on September 2nd 10:10 Our kids learn to hide their mistakes and struggles rather than coming to us for help when they need it most because they are afraid that what they are doing is wrong, and as parents, we may punish them 13:07 When kids spend time on screens, they aren’t just moving towards screens, they are also moving away from something, which is us, the parents 22:30 An open invitation for the scripts that are included in The Anxious Generation review (part 4) 28:21 Wrapping up the discussion 31:37 Key ideas from this set of  episodes   References College Drinking Prevention. (n.d.). Prevalence. National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. https://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/statistics/prevalence Lilienfeld, S. O., & Arkowitz, H. (2014, January 1). Why "just say no" doesn't work. Scientific American. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/why-just-say-no-doesnt-work/ Community Epidemiology and Research Division. (n.d.). Just say no, DARE, and programs like it don't work—So why are they still around? https://www.cerd.org/just-say-no-dare-and-programs-like-it-dont-work-so-why-are-they-still-around/ Durlak, J. A., & Wells, A. M. (1997). Primary prevention mental health programs for children and adolescents: A meta-analytic review [Archived document]. Indiana University. https://web.archive.org/web/20140824031650/http:/www.indiana.edu/~safeschl/ztze.pdf

This is the third in our series of episodes on Jonathan Haidt's book The Anxious Generation.   In Part 1, we looked at the evidence for the teen 'mental health crisis.'   In Part 2, we reviewed the evidence for whether social media is causing the so-called 'teen mental health crisis.   In this episode, we begin looking at what to do about the effects of phones on kids - starting with school cell phone bans.   Phone bans are spreading like wildfire across America, with 21 states either studying or already enforcing restrictions, up from none just a few years ago. But before you advocate for - or against - a ban at your child's school, you need to hear what the research actually reveals. This episode examines real studies from Denmark, England, and Hungary, plus the eye-opening results from schools using those tamper-proof Yonder pouches that promise to solve everything.   You'll discover why the "golden age" of unsupervised childhood play that experts want us to return to wasn't actually golden for most kids. More importantly, you'll learn what's really driving students to their phones: unmet needs for choice, agency, and genuine connection. Through a fascinating deep-dive into one teacher's blog post about his school's phone ban, you'll see how current approaches may be missing the point entirely, and what students themselves say would actually help them engage more in school.   Which states are banning cell phones in schools? 21 states are currently studying or have already enforced cell phone bans, including Florida, Louisiana, Virginia, Indiana, Oklahoma, North Dakota, and New York.   Are cell phone bans in schools effective for improving academic performance? Research shows mixed results with only tiny improvements on test scores, and most studies don't control for other factors that could explain the changes.   Does banning phones in school improve students' mental health? Studies from multiple countries found no significant improvements in student anxiety, depression, or overall wellbeing from cell phone restrictions.   Are cell phone bans in schools a good idea? The evidence suggests that school cell phone bans address symptoms rather than root causes - students turn to phones because their needs for autonomy and connection aren't being met.   What happens when schools try to enforce cell phones being banned in schools? Students find creative workarounds: stabbing through security pouches, buying unlock magnets, bringing decoy phones, and creating underground phone-sharing economies.   Why do students want their phones during school hours? Research shows students use phones to meet basic psychological needs for choice, agency, and genuine connection that traditional classrooms often fail to provide.   What you'll learn in this episode The real data on school cell phone ban effectiveness - examining studies from Denmark, England, Hungary, and the U.S. that reveal surprising results about academic and mental health outcomes Which states are leading the cell phone ban movement - a breakdown of the 21 states implementing or studying restrictions, from Florida's pioneering ban to New York's upcoming policies Why current approaches to cell phones being banned in schools may backfire - discover how students circumvent Yondr pouches and other enforcement methods, and what this reveals about their underlying needs The hidden problems with returning to "phone-free" childhood - learn why the idealized past of unsupervised play wasn't accessible to all children, especially girls and marginalized communities What students actually need to engage in school - research-backed insights into the real factors that improve student wellbeing and academic performance beyond device restrictions A better approach than outright bans - explore how involving students in creating technology agreements can build trust and address root causes rather than just symptoms   Dr. Jonathan Haidt’s Book The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness (Affiliate link)   Jump to highlights 00:00 Teaser of today’s episode 07:25 There’s a Smithsonian Museum lesson plan that points out many people saw child labor as desirable after the Civil War. It was a way for poverty-stricken youngsters to support their families 09:01 In the 1930s, concerns about women's health led universities to drop athletic programs for females. During the outdoor play, boys spent more time outside than girls. This gender gap persists today, with girls reporting that parks feel unwelcoming. Unsupervised play often reinforces harmful cultural norms 14:26 Banning phones in school is a good thing, according to Dr. Haidt. But what did the research say? 19:51 Looking at international test scores from 2010-2019, there's no clear pattern linking higher cell phone use to declining academic performance. Countries with high phone penetration showed varied results, with some improving, others declining, and many remaining flat. Haidt oversimplifies by attributing test score changes solely to phone use, ignoring multiple contributing factors. 23:43 A cross-sectional study compared 30 English secondary schools with restrictive phone policies, meaning phones weren't allowed for recreational use, and permissive policies, meaning phones were allowed for recreational use at certain times and places 27:50 According to Gilbert Schuerch’s Fit to Teach Substack, students were using their devices for 8-17 hours each day on weekends. Basic restrictions didn't work. The approach that succeeded involved taking phones entirely and imposing serious penalties, which resulted in better classroom focus and less bullying 34:35 The needs students were trying to meet through their phones were the internal motivation, trust, and true connections 41:46 When your child comes across something they don't want to do that happens in service of a goal they very much want, they will do it 44:45 Wrapping up   References Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. (2016). Epi-Aid 2016-018: Undetermined risk factors for suicide among youth, ages 10–24 — Santa Clara County, CA, 2016. Santa Clara County Public Health Department. https://files.santaclaracounty.gov/migrated/cdc-samhsa-epi-aid-final-report-scc-phd-2016.pdf City of Palo Alto. (2021). City of Palo Alto: Suicide prevention policy and mental health promotion [Draft policy document]. Project Safety Net. https://www.psnyouth.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/06/DRAFT-Palo-Alto-Suicide-Prevention-Policy-and-Mental-Health-Promotion-dT.pdf Clinical Practice Research Datalink. Clinical Practice Research Datalink (CPRD) is a real-world research service supporting retrospective and prospective public health and clinical studies. CPRD. https://www.cprd.com/ Curran, T., & Hill, A. P. (2022). Young people's perceptions of their parents' expectations and criticism are increasing over time: Implications for perfectionism. Psychological Bulletin, 148(1-2), 107-128. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000347 Evolve's Behavioral Health Content Team. (2019, September 13). Long-term trends in suicidal ideation and suicide attempts among adolescents and young adults. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/long-term-trends-suicidal-ideation-suicide-attempts-adolescents-young-adults/ Evolve's Behavioral Health Content Team. (2020, July 27). Mental health and suicide statistics for teens in Santa Clara County. Evolve Treatment Centers. https://evolvetreatment.com/blog/mental-health-suicide-santa-clara/ Faverio, M., & Sidoti, O. (2024, December 12). Teens, social media and technology 2024: YouTube, TikTok, Instagram and Snapchat remain widely used among U.S. teens; some say they're on these sites almost constantly. Pew Research Center. https://www.pewresearch.org/wp-content/uploads/sites/20/2024/12/PI_2024.12.12_Teens-Social-Media-Tech_REPORT.pdf Garfield, R., Orgera, K., & Damico, A....