Feeling Good Podcast | TEAM-CBT - The New Mood Therapy

Defeat Perfectionism  and Discover the Art of Self-Acceptance Part 1 of 2 This Is for Everyone--Shrinks AND the General Public! On Wednesday, July 9, 2025, Dr. Jill Levitt and I did a FREE, two-hour webinar on one of the most common causes of stress and feelings of inadequacy--perfectionism. More than 2200 individuals registered, reflecting the widespread interest in this topic. Although perfectionism causes lots of suffering, it's not easy to get rid of this mindset because it can promise and sometimes deliver tremendous benefits, too! Rhonda and I will be presenting this webinar on the podcast in two parts. This week, in Part 1 you'll learn About the many emotional consequences of perfectionism How to identify the perfectionistic beliefs that fuel anxiety, procrastination, and shame How and why these beliefs can trigger immense emotional pain How to use Positive Reframing and the Cost-Benefit Analysis to melt away your resistance to change. You can take a look at the workshop handout if you CLICK HERE! Next week, in Part 2, you'll learn many powerful methods to crush the distorted thoughts that trigger perfectionism, including Identify the Distortions Explain the Distortions The Externalization of Voices The Acceptance Paradox The Counter-Attack Technique The Feared Fantasy Technique Self-Disclosure Relapse Prevention Training And more! This live, practical training will equip you with powerful, research-backed techniques to help yourself and your clients transform perfectionism into peace, power, self-acceptance, and emotional freedom, all illustrated with dramatic video clips from an actual TEAM CBT session with a woman struggling mightily from brutal self-criticisms, self-doubt, and sleepless nights, due to the very perfectionism that has catapulted her into an incredible career. Thanks for listening today! Jill, David and Rhonda

TEAM for Troubled Couples A New Twist! Today we are joined by a favorite guest, the brilliant Thai-An Truong. Thai-An is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) and Alcohol and Drug Counselor (LADC). She is the first Certified TEAM-CBT Therapist and Trainer in Oklahoma. She has found TEAM-CBT to be life-changing professionally and personally and is passionate about training other therapists in this "awesome approach." In her private practice, Thai-An specializes in the treatment of trauma and OCD. To learn more about her TEAM-CBT Trainings, visit www.teamcbttraining.com Thai-An has been featured on many Feeling Good Podcasts focusing on Depression and social anxiety (Live demonstration, 187) Postpartum Depression and Anxiety ( 218) How to Get Laid (Ep. 264) OCD ( 283) Grief (Ep 344) Now Thai-An adds an important dimension to the TEAM Interpersonal Model—working with trouble couples, as opposed to working with individuals with troubled relationships. She also describes a new way to use Positive Reframing to reduce patient resistance to giving up David's famous list of "Common Communication Errors," and she adds five new errors to the list. At the start of the podcast, Thai-An described a woman who complained that her husband often "shuts down" when they are communicating about a sensitive topic, and she wondered why. Thai-An decided to invite him to join the session so his wife could find out why. This really opened things up, and the wife discovered that her husband shut down because he was feeling inadequate when she pointed out all the things that were wrong with the house, and he was taking her comments as criticism. However, the more he shut down, the more she complained, and this pushed him away even further since her criticisms intensified his feelings of inadequacy. Thai-An then used Positive Reframing to help her see why he shut down. One of Thai-An's new ideas was to use Positive Reframing to cast our list of "errors" on the "Bad Communication Checklist" in a positive light, just as we do with the negative thoughts and feelings of people who are using the Daily Mood Log. By siding with the patient's resistance and listing all the good reasons NOT to change, nearly all patients paradoxically let down their guard and powerful urges to oppose change. Instead, they open up and become receptive to the many methods for challenging distorted thoughts. Thai-An has observed the same phenomena with troubled couples. When they see the GOOD reasons to why they or their partners use dysfunctional ways of communicating, they paradoxically let down their guard and become more willing to use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. She says: Positive reframing started to open them up to each other, and helped them see each other in a more positive light. At the same time, they discovered that they shared the same values. Voicing the good reasons to maintain the communication errors as well as the cost of change (e.g., it'll be hard work, I'll have to focus on changing myself, it'll be vulnerable) allowed each partner to melt away their resistance to change. David comment: This is an excellent example of a "double paradox." Once again, instead of trying to "help," which often triggers intense resistance, the therapist sides with the resistance, and this paradoxically triggers strong motivation to change! Thai-An reminded us that it's important to go through the TEAM structure before moving forward with tools to help the couple change. For testing, she asks both partners to complete the version of David's Brief Mood Survey that includes the Relationship Satisfaction Scale, and asks both to complete the Evaluation of Therapy Session at the end. She makes sure both partners rate her empathy toward them at 20/20 (perfect scores) before proceeding to the next steps. During the Assessment of Resistance, she begins to work with David's Relationship Journal to get a specific moment in time of conflict. Then when they do Steps 3 and 4, where they identify their own communication errors and their impact on their partners, she does positive reframing of the bad communication errors, which you can see here, along with five new errors that Thai-An has listed below.   The Bad Communication Checklist* Instructions. Review what you wrote down in Step 2 of the Relationship Journal. How many of the following communication errors can you spot? Communication Error (ü) Communication Error (ü) 1.      Truth – You insist you're "right" and the other person is "wrong."   10.   Diversion – You change the subject or list past grievances.   2.      Blame – You imply the problem is the other person's fault.   11.   Self-Blame – You act as if you're awful and terrible.   3.      Defensiveness – You argue and refuse to admit any imperfection.   12.   Hopelessness – You claim you've tried everything and nothing works.   4.      Martyrdom – You imply that you're an innocent victim.   13.   Demandingness – You complain when people aren't as you expect.   5.      Put-Down – You imply that the other person is a loser.   14.   Denial – You imply that you don't feel angry, sad or upset when you do.   6.      Labeling – You call the other person "a jerk," "a loser," or worse.   15.   Helping – Instead of listening, you give advice or "help."   7.      Sarcasm – Your tone of voice is belittling or patronizing.   16.   Problem Solving – You try to solve the problem and ignore feelings.   8.      Counterattack – You respond to criticism with criticism.   17.   Mind-Reading – You expect others to know how you feel without telling them.   9.      Scapegoating – You imply the other person is defective or has a problem.   18.   Passive-Aggression – You say nothing, pout or slam doors.     * Copyright ã 1991 by David D. Burns, MD. Revised 2001.   Thai-An Truong's 5 Additional Communication Errors: Shut down—You shut down and ignore the other person or give them the silent treatment. Avoidance—You hide your feelings and avoid talking about hard topics, or disconnect through some form of escape. Rejection—You make threats to leave – "I'm done with you," or "I can't deal with this anymore," or "I want a divorce." Control—You insist that the other person "needs" to behave or communicate differently, or "should" or "shouldn't" behave the way they do. Invalidation—You tell the other person they shouldn't feel the way they feel. Here's how Thai-An did the Positive Reframing with this couple. First she asked the wife, "Why might your partner suddenly want to "shut down" and stop communicating during a conflicted exchange?" She also asked, "What does this do for the person who is shutting down?" This is the list of positives they came up with. Shutting down . . . Keeps me safe and protects me from more criticism Protects my partner from hurtful comments I might make. Shows that I value our marriage and my partner's feelings. Shows my love for my partner, and for myself. It shows that I'm feeling hurt and want to be appreciated. Guarantees that I won't make things worse. Shows that I want to protect myself from becoming overly vulnerable and getting invalidated again. Shutting down feels less risky than sharing my feelings. Once she saw why he shut down, she realized the negative impact of her complaints, and began to provide more genuine words of appreciation to him. He said that this meant so much to him and made all the hard work worth it. Her common communication errors included "truth" and "making complaints." He realized, again through positive reframing, that she also wanted validation, that raising children can be hard, and that she ALSO wanted appreciation for how well she was keeping up with the home and the care of their children. So, when she wasn't getting validation and appreciation from him, she was even more likely to complain to try to voice her perspective. Once he was able to stop shutting down, and instead began to make more disarming statements, use feeling empathy, and stroking, she was much less likely to complain. They also realized they had the same values of wanting healthier communication and to provide a safe and happy home for their children. Was this effective? Both went from 10/30 and 11/30 on the relationship satisfaction scale (shockingly poor scores) to 26/30 by the end of the relationship work together (extremely high scores indicating outstanding scores on my Relationship Satisfaction Scale.) Thai-An provided us with a cool Positive Reframing document for all of the communication errors. You can check it out if you CLICK HERE. I (David) pointed out that Positive Reframing can also be used in conjunction with the Relationship Journal in another way. In step one of the RJ, you write down one thing the other person said, and you circle all the many feelings they were probably having, like hurt, alone, anxious, angry, sad, unloved, and many more. In step two you write down exactly what you said next, and circle all the feelings you were having. This would be an ideal time to do Positive Reframing of your partner's negative feelings, so as to shift you perception that the other person is "bad" or "to blame" or some negative interpretations that you may be making. This reframing might be helpful in the same sense that my technique, Forced Empathy, can sometimes cause a radical shift in how you see the person you're at odds with. Announcements On January 4, 2024, Thai-An Truong will be offering a 14-week training program in TEAM couples therapy for mental health professionals. The class will meet weekly from 11:30 to 1:30 East Coast time. To learn more, please go to Courses.teamcbttraining.com/relationships There will be a 4-day TEAM-CBT Intensive November 6-9, 2023, in Mexico City, at the Hotel Camino Real.  To learn more, please go to:  https://teamcbt.mx/welcome Thanks for listening today! Let us know what you thought about our show! Thai-An, Rhonda, and David

Menopause-- The End? . . . or the Beginning? Rhonda starts today's podcast, as usual, with a warm endorsement from Sally, a podcast fan who really liked Podcast 355 on the topic of "Relationship Problems: Be Gone!" She said the role-play demonstrations were "incredible" and especially helpful. We'll keep that in mind and see if we can do some more role-playing demonstrations in future podcasts, along with instructions so you can practice at home, as well. This can be extremely helpful if you want to master the techniques we describe. They may sound simple, but they're not! In our recent podcast on free practice groups (put LINK), you can find many virtual practice groups you can join from home to practice many of the techniques in TEAM-CBT with like-minded colleagues and become part of the growing TEAM-CBT community. We now have many excellent and free practice groups for the general public as well as and training groups for shrinks. Today, Mina returns to the show with a new problem—pre-menopausal symptoms that are scaring her and casting a shadow on her future as well as her marriage with her husband, Maurice. Menopause is a topic that freaks many people out, due to feelings of anxiety and shame which can sometimes be intense. Today, menopause will be out in the open and front and center. However, Meina is confused because so many problems and feelings are swirling around in her head, and she doesn't quite know where to start. At the start of the session, Mina's Brief Mood Survey indicated mild depression, severe anxiety, moderate to severe anger, and greatly diminished feelings of happiness and relationship satisfaction, thinking of her husband, Maurice.f If you review Mina's Daily Mood Log. you can see that the Upsetting Event is irregular periods due to menopause. You can also see that Mina is struggling with fairly feelings of depression, anxiety, shame, inadequacy, loneliness, embarrassment, hopelessness, frustration and anger, and she's giving herself some intensely negative messages, like "My body is falling apart," and "My husband will leave me," and "I'll get osteoporosis and die in pain like my grandmother," and more. During the initial Empathy phase of the session, Mina described quite a lot of personal and professional concerns, as well as somatic complaints of various kinds. Sometimes, in the past, Mina has developed numerous somatic complaints that terrify her, because she has interpreted them as possible serious diseases, like multiple sclerosis. However, excellent physical evaluations rarely or never provide any medical evidence or explanation for her symptoms. This pattern of obsessing about somatic symptoms is actually quite common. Many general practice doctors report that as many as a third of their patients complaining of pain, dizziness, and so forth do not have any medical disease that could possibly explain the symptoms. In fact, in his classic book, Caring for Patients, the late Dr. Allen Barbour from Stanford reported that about half of these types of patients experience a disappearance of their somatic symptoms when they identify some conflict or problem that they've been avoiding, and then take steps to express their feelings or solve the repressed problem. Pretty much every time, this has been true of Mina, too. It often turns out that she is upset about something she is sweeping under the rug, and the Hidden Emotion Technique has proved extremely helpful in pinpointing the hidden feeling or conflict. Then, as soon as she acts on this information, and expresses her feelings, the somatic problems immediately disappear. So, our first task in today's session was to see if the same thing was happening. It turned out that she was quite upset with her husband, Maurice, so we did a Relationship Journal to see if we could get a better understanding of what was going on. Her complaint was that Maurice did not want to talk about "difficult feelings." Instead, he suggests they go for a nature walk or watch a movie. So, she felt sad, anxious, rejected, hurt, frustrated, and alone. But, as is the case nearly 100% of the time, when we examined a brief interaction between them—what did he say and what did she say next—it became clear that she was actually pushing him away and putting him down. This was understandably painful for Mina to see, and a bit embarrassing, but she was super brave, and saw how she could use the Five Secrets to respond to Maurice in a radically different and more inviting manner. As an aside, the person who seeks treatment for a relationship problem will nearly always discover that they have actually be causing the very problem they're complaining about. If Mina's husband had come to us for help, he would have made the exact same shocking discovery—that HE was causing the problem he was complaining about. I call this strange but fascinating phenomenon the "theory of interpersonal relativity." Mina feared abandonment, but discovered that her real problem was that she was rejecting her husband, and forcing him to reject her! Although this type of sudden insight can be tremendously painful, it is also liberating at the same time. That's because people discover that they have far more power than they thought. Mina felt helpless, but was actually pulling the strings. Once you "see" this, you have the option of moving in a radically new and more rewarding direction. Mina promised to send a follow up once she's had the chance to try a new approach during her interactions with Maurice. We have our fingers crossed! In addition, we worked with Mina's negative thoughts and feelings on her Daily Mood Log, starting with Positive Reframing, which she found helpful. What did her negative thoughts and feelings show about her that was positive and awesome, and how were they helping her? Then we did several rounds of Externalization of Voices and she was quickly able to knock her negative thoughts out of the park, with incredible results that you can see if you examine the emotions goal and outcome columns on her emotions table HERE. As you can see, there was an immediate and dramatic reduction in all of her negative feelings. We publish these TEAM-CBT sessions because we believe that the vast majority of mental health professionals do not know how to trigger rapid and extreme changes in how people think, feel, and interact with others. It is our hope that these podcast live therapy sessions, in conjunction with our weekly training groups, will make mental health professionals aware of what's now possible, and how TEAM-CBT actually works. We try to make it look simple, but it requires tremendous training, practice, and commitment. Rhonda and I have strong, tender feelings toward our dear colleague, Mina, and we are deeply indebted to her for making herself vulnerable in a public forum so that we can all learn and feel much closer to one another. Personal work is one of our finest teaching tools. In addition, feelings of respect, love, and connection are so often missing in our embattled and hostile political and world environment these days. We cannot change the world, but we can definitely make our own small ripples in the pond, and work on changing ourselves. If you'd like, you can take a look at Mina's Brief Mood Survey and Evaluation of Therapy Session at the end of the session.  Thanks so much for listening today! Rhonda, Mina, and David

Ask David: Featuring Matt May, MD 1. Nick asks: "What if you want a positive relationship with someone who does not want the same thing?" 2. Debbie asks: Hi David, I can't stop ruminating and obsessing about weird states of minds or when I was afraid of harming someone or remembering. Everyone says to let go but why do I hang on. Where in your book can you help me? 3. Dean asks: I'm having trouble sleeping. What should I do? 4. Kathy asks a question about social anxiety / panic and the hidden emotion technique. Note: The answers below were generated prior to the podcast, and the information provided on the live podcast may be richer and different in a number of ways. 1. Nick asks many general relationship problems that all need specific examples. Dear David, Thank you for all the amazing work you do. Your books and podcasts have helped me to understand and start to transform a lot of negative and unwanted frames that I carry around. I'm also working with a Level 3 therapist who I found through the Feeling Good Institute. One area I'm working on is building my empathy skills using the Five Secrets model. I see how powerful it is in situations where both people are open to a positive relationship. But I struggle with the idea that each of us creates our own interpersonal reality, and can always create a positive outcome regardless of the other person. Can you help me understand how to apply the technique to some challenging situations? - What happens if you want a positive relationship with the other person, but they fundamentally do not? I find that this situation leads the other person to react to the Five Secrets with anger or indifference. Or they view you as weak for exposing your emotions and vulnerability, and try to exploit them for advantage over you. Is it even worth trying to have a positive relationship with such a person? David's reply I try not to impose on people who do not want a positive relationship with me. You could also provide a specific example, as I always insist on having! These vague questions to my ear are kind of useless. Matt's reply David, you've said that the cause of all relationship problems is Blame.  I agree with this and sense that Nick's question is driving at that point, as well.  If someone doesn't want to participate in our definition of a 'positive' relationship, the approach that is most in line with the 5-Secrets and Empathy is to let go and stop demanding the other person change.  That's the cause of the problem:  trying to force people to do things, our way, regardless of what they want.  This will cause them to resist and will damage the relationship. David, you have also talked about the opposite mindset of blame, where we can wield 5-Secrets honestly and effectively, the concept of 'Open Hands'.  When we have the attitude of 'Open Hands', we can welcome other people and receive them or gracefully let go. This mental state avoids conflict and the 'blame game' in a healthy, non-avoidant way. For example, if someone says, "I don't want to have a relationship with you".  We might reply, using the 5-Secrets, 'You're right, I've been disrespectful and inappropriately pushing you too hard in the direction of having a relationship with me.  I appreciate your letting me know, clearly, that this isn't something you want.  While I can imagine you might be angry with me, I'm sure you don't want to talk about that, but prefer, instead, to end the relationship as quickly as possible.  I'm feeling awkward and would like to get out of your hair as soon as possible, too.  What can I do to facilitate ending this relationship in a way you would be satisfied with?" To put it another way, while you can maximize your chances of having a positive interpersonal experience with someone, using these communication skills, the 5-Secrets, they are not 'mind control' and trying to use them that way will only make matters worse, hence the importance of the internal mindset of 'open hands', accepting others' preferences and being willing to let go, perhaps grieve, refocus our attention elsewhere, if that's not what they want.  Otherwise, we are in the 'chasing' and 'blaming' role, which is doomed to fail, as has been discussed on previous podcasts. It may also be useful to consider whether it's actually possible to 'not have a relationship' with someone.  My sense is that there is, in fact, a relationship, even between total strangers and between people who have decided, mutually, to end their relationship.  We could point out how those two types of relationships might differ, say, if you were to bump into each other in a grocery store.  In the latter example, you might be expected to try a bit harder to avoid contact, with an agreed-upon, 'ex' than you would, with a stranger.  There are rules and expectations and ways in which both people think about the other person and define their 'relationship', even if you are saying that it has 'ended'.  The conflict comes when we don't have the same agenda and don't agree on the terms and rules of the relationship. There are many other related topics, including the 'gentle ultimatum', 'interpersonal decision making' and 'blame CBA' which could be useful for Nick. Nick continues - What if you believe the other person does have a fundamental desire for a good relationship, but they are so attached to their anger, fear or depression that their only reaction is hostility and defense? Perhaps such a person can't or won't admit to their emotions, and rejects the empathy. Should you keep trying, and at what point if any should you give up? David's reply Need a specific example! I may have mentioned that! Matt's reply:  A specific example sure would help!  The problem seems related to the 'blame game' which we just talked about.  We are demanding the other person change, and stop being so hostile and defensive.  Instead, consider using Interpersonal Decision Making and look at the three options that are available, in any relationship.  If you decide to take responsibility for the relationship, try the Relationship Journal, so you can see through the blame that is causing the problem.  You could also use positive reframing to admire their hostility, defensiveness, anger, fear and depression. Nick continues: Perhaps there are mistaken or lying about the facts, and unwilling to admit it. Or you disbelieve what they say because it doesn't match their actions or is calculated to deflect blame. For example, you may have a conflict over who cleans the house. The objective fact is that you do this 80% of the time and have done it the last 5 times in a row, while the other person has consistently left garbage lying around. Yet the other person says "I feel like you never do housework and I am always the one cleaning, and I'm sick of it". How can you find truth in such a statement? David's reply Work this out on a Relationship Journals. Write down what you said next, and follow th steps clearly spelled out in Feeling Good Together. Or, I could send you one. Matt's Reply Disarming is really challenging because it requires us to let go of our version of the 'truth', at least temporarily, in order to see the other person's truth.  People often don't want to do that, even for a moment!  Furthermore, if the other person is angry, they are likely to distort the truth in their statements, for effect, to be more persuasive.  The problem with this, is that it will call our attention to the lies they are telling, tempting us away from seeing their truth.  Without knowing more about the situation, I could only guess at what their 'truth' is.  Here are some possibilities, though:  Is it possible that they have some reasonable expectation for us to do more of the cleanup than them?  Are they offering something else in the relationship that offsets their lack of cleaning?  Do they do the majority of the cooking?  Do they do the shopping?  Do they pay more of the bills?  Also, were they the last one to do the cleaning?  When they clean, do they spend more time on it or do a more thorough job?  When they clean, do they clean up their things as well as yours?  Do you do that?  You stated that they leave their 'garbage lying around'.  Is that how they see it?  Is it possible that they put their things precisely where they wanted them to be and didn't want you 'tidying up'? The point is that disarming requires seeing the bigger picture, not just the one data point that best supports your blaming them.  Try to see past this and, if you can't, considering Interpersonal Decision making and the Blame CBA, where you would write down the good reasons to blame the other person and insist that your version of the truth is complete and correct and that theirs is wrong and bad. Nick carries on - What should you do in situations where you both have attachments to other incompatible goals? In Lee's case on episodes 96-98 of your podcast and Chapter 27 of Feeling Great, both Less and his wife had the same fundamental values with regard to raising their daughter. So once he applied the Five Secrets, they were able to move past their ego defenses and share the same perspective. But what if there is a zero-sum situation where both of you have different core values? For example, choosing a grade school for your child. One parent sincerely believes in their core values that their child will benefit from attending a rigorous school where they will be challenged and grow. The other parent sincerely believes in their core values that children should be in a relaxed environment where they can play as much as possible. Can the Five Secrets help with this type of conflict? David's reply Read the chapter in Feeling Good Together on the idea that the attempt to solve the problem IS the problem, and the refusal to solve it is the solution. I think you've got some work to do! Now we'll see if you do it! Matt's Response In this case, you could agree to disagree and let a professional decide what would be best for your

Dr. David Burns and Jill Levitt will teach you seven jaw-dropping techniques to end feelings of shyness and social anxiety. For shrinks AND for the general public. If you're hurting, or you have patients who are hurting, we want you to join us! It's 100% free. Therapists even get two FREE CE credits if you attend the live event. Sign up now at CBTforSocialAnxiety.com. This event could change your life. It's Wednesday, November 5th, 2025, from 11 AM to 1 PM Pacific Coast Time. Be THERE! 

Ask David: What's the best way to do Positive Reframing? Is the "20 Qualities I'm Looking for in an Ideal Mate" reliable?  And, How can I tell if someone I'm dating is REALLY honest, loyal, and faithful? The answers to today's questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the podcast for a more in-depth discussion of each question. Julia asks: is it more important to do positive reframing on feelings (anxiety, anger, frustration) rather than on specific thoughts («I should be calmer»)? Charlotte asks: What's the best way to use the "20 Qualities I'm looking for in an ideal mate?" Charlotte also asks: What's the best way to find out if someone you're dating is going to be loyal, faithful, and honest?   Julia asks: is it more important to do positive reframing on feelings (anxiety, anger, frustration) rather than on specific thoughts («I should be calmer»)?  Dear David and Rhonda, I listened today to the Podcast 460 on The fear of Happiness. What a wonderful podcast! I love the deeper dives on one topic and especially when you focus on discussing positive reframing. If Rhonda felt like she didn't do her best on the podcast, I definitely was struggling a lot even on coming up with positives for Thomas. And It's been some years since I positively reframe my feelings! Here is my question: Why is it more important to do positive reframing on feelings (anxiety, anger, frustration) rather than on specific thoughts («I should be calmer»)? I always find it easier and more helpful for myself to positively reframe the specific thoughts rather than the feelings. I specifically see the reason why a thought is both serving me and saying something so awesome about me and my core values. It usually elevates my mood and my overthinking on the spot. On the other hand doing it on feelings is also very helpful but can remain sometimes on the general level. It still speaks truly to me and I confirm every value but is less poignant than specific thoughts. Thank you both so much for such a wonderful podcast! All the best, Julia from Italy David's Response Thanks, will add this to the next Ask David list. Great question! One thing to keep in mind is that you can do Positive Reframing on anything: a thought, a distortion, an emotion, a behavior, and more. So, the answer is, "it all depends!" On the podcast, we can try to figure out what it all depends on, so we have a systematic way of thinking about this great question. But part of the answer will be, "whatever works for you." The PR of a thought is more specific and unique to you, so that's a plus for including thoughts along with some of the feelings. The feelings are great because they are relatively easy, if you know how to PR them, and the impact can be enormous and, of course, beneficial. Warmly, david Charlotte asks: What's the best way to use the "20 Qualities I'm looking for in an ideal mate?" Is this tool reliable? Charlotte also asks: What's the best way to find out if someone you're dating is going to be loyal, faithful, and honest? Dear David and dear Rhonda, I love the Podcast so much! It has come with me the last 2 years almost every week and its been incredibly helpful both as a therapist to be and as a human being doing this crazy thing called life! You two put so much of your heart into it and I am beyond grateful for all your hard work and what you give to all of us for free every week of the year. I don't know where I would be without TEAM and what I know for sure is I never wanna live without TEAM and this beautiful community of kind, funny and big hearted people anymore. Big thanks to both of you and Matt May and all the people who agreed to publish their personal work. Those episodes are extra special for me and always help me overcome my own struggles even more! Hugs from Berlin, Germany Charlotte I also have a question regarding your episodes around Dating. OMG I can't tell you how helpful they were for me. I am going through a pretty painful break up right now and these episodes gave me so many tips for my future endeavors of dating to find a life partner! So, I would be more than thrilled about another or more podcasts going through that topic! I have two questions regarding Dating that came up for me along the way: There is this sheet I use often and was mentioned called "20 qualities in a partner." I love this and rated all my exes in hindsight and also people I dated e.g. my then boyfriend. My boyfriend got a way higher score than my exes at the time and now that we are broken up I reviewed that list. Knowing what I know now the score changed quite a bit which confused me a lot. Now I am wondering how reliable this list is especially if you don't know the person very well in the beginning. How do you handle this list when you're on your first date--let's say--and barely know that person? It's hard to rate someone on availability, loyalty, honesty and so forth when you don't know them yet?! Is there a trick you can do to find that out quicker and do you recommend to review that list after every date and see if you can rate them more realistically now? My second question is a bit similar. How can you slowly find out how trustworthy, empathetic, honest, loyal, faithful a person is? Interestingly enough since my score on both anxiety and depression is 0 for most of the time the last 2 years, I had two bad experiences in dating. Both my partners were unfaithful and dishonest about it. Which is interesting for me because my two long term boyfriends were at a time, I was struggling with anxiety and both of them were very loyal, warm, faithful and very much involved in our relationship. So, I feel like my anxiety motivated me to choose very carefully and now that I am doing really good in life and love being by myself and don't need a relationship anymore but want to have a life partner and marry eventually I kind seem to choose more poorly when it comes to partners. I hope my questions make any sense! Warmly, Charlotte David's response Thanks Charlotte. I'll add these to our upcoming Ask David recording. Great questions on dating, one of my favorite topics! Warmly, david Thanks for listening today! Rhonda, Matt, and David

Dr. David Burns and Jill Levitt will teach you seven jaw-dropping techniques to end feelings of shyness and social anxiety. For shrinks AND for the general public. If you're hurting, or you have patients who are hurting, we want you to join us! It's 100% free. Therapists even get two FREE CE credits if you attend the live event. Sign up now at CBTforSocialAnxiety.com. This event could change your life. It's Wednesday, November 5th, 2025, from 11 AM to 1 PM Pacific Coast Time. Be THERE! 

Ask David, Dr. Matthew May asks--and helps us answer--the most common question he hears from his patients and fans: How do I help a loved one, friend, or colleague who's upset, agitated, angry, anxious, and more? Matt asks: People ask me about a loved one who is anxious, and want to know what to do to help that person. Example: "My daughter is hooked on social media. She's literally 'addicted'. She has terrible insomnia, low self-esteem, anxiety, hopelessness, depression, anger and fits of rage when we try to take her phone away. When my daughter is online, she texts things like: Is this really happening? This can't be happening OMG! This is terrible! How awful! Why am I so unpopular? I'm totally alone I shouldn't have posted all that stuff Everyone thinks I'm an idiot I have to do something to fit in Everything's hopeless. I give up. Is someone monitoring and recording me? All those creeps are evil and deserve worse than what they're getting On the podcast, Matt, Rhonda and David demonstrate effective and ineffective ways of responding to your loved one, or to anyone who is complaining and feeling upset. They use role-playing to illustrate the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, and you will see how hard it can be to hit it out of the park, even for experts! Thanks for listening today! In the upcoming weeks, we'll have several more Ask David episodes with these questions and more. Julia asks: is it more important to do positive reframing on feelings (anxiety, anger, frustration) rather than on specific thoughts («I should be calmer»)? Charlotte asks: What's the best way to use the "20 Qualities I'm looking for in an ideal mate?" Charlotte also asks: What's the best way to find out if someone you're dating is going to be loyal, faithful, and honest? Jenn asks: Are you getting old and cranky now? Zhang asks: I have intrusive daydreams and obsess about getting things perfect? What's causing this? And what can I do? Yevhen asks: How can I use "I Feel" Statements without oversharing? George asks: Would my approach help someone who is suicidal? No Name asks: Do I need to worry about my daughter's anxiety? Jeffrey asks: Can you disarm yourself? Thanks for listening today! Rhonda, Matt, and David

You're Right! A Deep Dive on the Disarming Technique Featuring Dr. Brandon Vance On today's podcast, we will be practicing the Disarming Technique and illustrate the Law of Opposites, using real examples with lots of potential for learning. We feature our good friend and esteemed colleague, Brandon Vance, MD, who is an advanced TEAM therapist. Starting on November 5, Brandon will be offering a 6-week course on a Deep Dive Five Secrets Practice Group, meeting weekly from 12 to1:30, until December 10th. This course is strongly recommended for anyone who wants to learn and master the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. To learn more, you can  click here Our goals for today's podcast will be to illustrate how to disarm, with role play examples, of any number of very challenging examples. Once we have done role reversals and developed a good or excellent response to the criticism, we will try to point out two things important for teaching the Disarming Technique. The Law of Opposite: Here it is: When you humbly find the real truth in the criticism, even if it sounds exaggerated, distorted, unfair, or just plan wrong, it suddenly won't be true anymore. This is a paradox! In contrast, if you defend yourself from the criticism, which you WILL do, you will simply prove that the criticism is correct. This is also a paradox! We will illustrate some strategies for how to disarm seemingly "impossibly wrong and unfair" criticisms. We started with a classic example. Let's say a loved one angrily insists, "You never listen." Then we focused on a challenging clinical example, a patient who insists that "You're to worst shrink I've EVER had! Where did you do your psychiatric training? At a veterinarian school?" The exercise is fairly simple in structure, but quite challenging when you try it out in an actual role play exercise with a friend or colleague. Step 1: Your colleague or friends hits you with one of the following criticisms listed below. Step 2: You respond as effectively as you can, using the Disarming Technique and the rest of the Five Secrets of Effective Communication as needed. Step 3. Your colleague gives you a letter grade along with what you did that was effective, and where you missed the boat. Step 4. Do a role reversal and repeat the above steps. Continue with this process until you get an A in your response to the criticism. I don't have a full list of strategies for agreeing with impossible criticisms, but here are two: continue editing here Don't respond to the criticism literally. Instead, try to "hear" what the other person is trying to say to you. Example: Your patient says, "This is the second week in a row that you've been late to our sessions." Ineffective, literal response: "Yes, that's true. I've been delayed by emergency situations both today and last week." Explanation: This is harsh and literal, and misses the point entirely. This patient is trying to tell you that they feel ignored and uncared about, and this may in fact be a central dynamic in their life. Somewhat more effective response: "Yes, I share your concern, especially since I have high regard for you and hate having to be late. I'm really worried it will come across as uncaring and irresponsible. In fact, I had unexpected emergencies with suicidal patients both days, and will certainly make up the missed time for you, and not even charge you for today's session. Still, I wouldn't be surprised if you feel hurt and even a bit angry with me, and for good reason. Can you tell me how you are feeing?" This type of response gives you the chance to turn your lemons into lemonade! When you disarm, never say, "I can see how you might feel that way!" This is just a subtle way of sending this insulting message" 'You're wrong, and you're making a misinterpretation because you're a disturbed patient!" If a psychotic individuals makes a bizarre-sounding criticism, listen to the music behind the words and respond to that in a disarming way. For example, imagine that your hospitalized inpatient with paranoid schizophrenia says, "I know you're conspiring against me with the FBI." What is this patient trying to tell you? They are telling you, symbolically, something like this: "During our session yesterday, you were not trustworthy. I was anxious and still am!" So, you might respond like this: "Jim, I am embarrassed to admit that I agree with you completely, and also feel bad about it. During our session yesterday, I did a lousy job of supporting you, and we just didn't connect, which was my bad. I felt like an enemy, and not your ally, so I get what you're saying. This is important because I care a great deal for you. Can you tell me what it was like for you yesterday?" With this type of kindly, disarming, and non-threatening response, most patients will open up right away.  This list of errors is not comprehensive. It's just a started kit to point you, hopefully, in the right direction. You will get many of the fine points by listening to the live podcast. You might enjoy reviewing the following list of difficult / impossible criticisms you might hear from patients or friends of family members. It can be really helpful to see if you can find a way to agree with these criticisms that's genuine and effective. Burns, isn't it true that you're a total fraud and a worthless human being? You're full of shit and you know it! I followed your suggestion on what to say to my relative, even using the 5-Secrets, and now they won't speak to me. Rhonda says: Just to be clear, the following challenges from unhappy kids were not directed at me! I wish you had died instead of Mom. (We practiced this one on the live podcast.) Can you give me my inheritance now, so I don't have to see you ever again? You need to butt out of what you don't understand. All I remember from my childhood is how you weren't there for me. You should have protected me when I was a kid, but you didn't. Here are some more from patients in various setting. A patient yells out as you pass on the locked inpatient psych ward: "Doctor, you're trying to kill me!" Or as a (non-suicidal) private practice patient said: "You probably wish I was dead!" Or "You like your other patients better than me" An angry patient says: "you've ruined my life!" An unhappy patient says: I bet you faked your diploma! More personal / family examples A romantic partner says "you're gaslighting me". A friend says "you're flirting with my girlfriend - you're trying to steal her away from me!" Your wife says "you're having an affair" when you're not. Your teenage son says "I know I was an accident and you wish you never even had me." Your student catches you in the hallway and winks saying, "You like me better than the other students, right?" Thanks for listening today! Brandon, Rhonda, and David

TEAM Trauma Treatment-- How Does It Work? And Why?  Featuring Dr. Jill Levitt Today's podcast features one of our favorite guests, Dr. Jill Levitt, who is one of the greatest psychology teachers on planet earth. We explore trauma, and how it is treated. We focus in particular on the unique features of trauma treatment using TEAM CBT. Jill is currently the Director of Training at the Feeling Good Institute in Mountain View, California, but she has had intensive training in trauma treatment beginning during her psychology internship at the Cornell Medical Center (? is this correct) in 200? (dates please Jill) and continuing until (date please.) She worked with adults survivors of childhood physical and sexual abuse, as well as victims of the 2011 tragedy at the world trade center, which happened when she was working in New York. She got extra training from several outstanding experts in the treatment of trauma and anxiety, including the renown Dr. Edna Foa, from Temple University in Philadelphia, as well as (please list if you like, Jill!) Rhonda also has extensive experience in the treatment of trauma since she worked for (x years, please fill in) at th San Francisco Rape and Trauma Clinical. Rhonda emphasized the importance of shame and toxic but high irrational self-blame so often seen in trauma patients of all ages, including, of course, children. Jill and Rhonda emphasized the importance of the selective use of exposure techniques with trauma patients, and the unfortunate fear that many, and perhaps most, therapists have of these techniques, wrongly fearing that the patient will decompensate and that the therapist, too, will become overwhelmed when hearing the patient recount their horrific experiences in detail. I, David, will add that I've never had a negative experience with the use of exposure techniques, like cognitive flooding, memory rescripting, and many more with any trauma patients. However, I always do E = Empathy first, as well as A = Paradoxical Agenda Setting, to guarantee that the patient and I will be working together as a collaborative team. Rhonda asked us to talk a bit about "vicarious trauma" that the therapist might experience when working with trauma patients. Both Jill and David said they've never experienced this, and that only our thoughts, and not the experiences our patients describe, can upset us. We believe the concept of "vicarious trauma" is highly (but not intentionally) misleading and needlessly frightening to those working with trauma patients. Of course, if a therapist does become triggered when working with any patient, including a trauma patient, that is grist for the mill for the therapist to work out with their own therapist, using perhaps the Daily Mood Log to explore and challenge the therapist's upsetting negative thoughts. Perhaps the most important theme today focused on the treatment of trauma patients--as well as non-trauma patients--individually, using TEAM to pinpoint one moment the patient was upset, and exploring their negative thoughts and feelings with the help of the Daily Mood Log, as well as the other vitally important components of T E A M. I (David) do not place much stock in treating patients with "formulas" based on their "diagnosis" or problem. I did 20 or more two day trauma workshops around the US and Canada several years back, and treated a volunteer from the audience at each workshop on the evening of day 1, using a two-hour TEAM CBT session. In all or nearly all of these sessions, the individuals experienced a triumphant and blow-away elimination of all their negative feelings by the end of the demonstration. But here's the interesting thing: although I occasionally included cognitive exposure, it was perhaps the technique I used the least often with these individuals. Far more powerful for most were techniques like Explain the Distortions, the Paradoxical Double Standard Technique, and the Externalization of Voices. Sometime, an interpersonal technique, including the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, was helpful, even life-changing. If you are interested, you can read about those sessions in Chapter X in my most recent book, Feeling Great, as well as illustrations of the data from all the patients, showing the dramatic changes in negative and positive feelings from the start to the end of the sessions. Why did these individuals recover so dramatically and quickly--within a single session? I believe it was because I focused on what was upsetting THEM, and developing an agenda and selecting methods to focus on what they wanted. This, to my way of thinking, is different, even radically different, from imposing a pre-set agenda on patients simply because we think they have some type of trauma diagnosis. David described the three elements of an "abuse contract" between the abuser and the victim: I get to hurt or exploit you for my own pleasure. The Blame will be 100% on you. I am a blameless, superior god. We must keep this as a secret, even between us. If you violate this, I will hurt you very badly. Thanks for listening today! Jill, Rhonda, and David

Procrastination: Be Gone! And "Physician, Heal Thyself!" Really? Why? The answers to today's questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the podcast for a more in-depth discussion of each question. This will be podcast #470 on 10/6/2025 Procrastination: Be Gone! And Physician, Heal Thyself! Really? Why? The answers to today's questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the podcast for a more in-depth discussion of each question. Rhonda asks: Why do people procrastinate? Rhonda asks: Wouldn't you first deal with the negative thoughts that are a part of the procrastination before working on it? Rhonda asks: Here is a question I have: You often say, "physician heal thyself," and encourage personal work by the therapist. Why does the therapist have to face their own issues to help someone else? A heart surgeon doesn't have to have heart surgery in order to conduct surgery on their patient. Why does a therapist have to do their personal work? Rhonda writes: I have been thinking a lot about procrastination since we met last week.  Why do people procrastinate? It's one thing not to put away a stack of files on your desk, it's another thing to procrastinate on something major, like finishing your dissertation, doing your taxes, or some things that have a major consequence.  It's a habit like anything else so there is a cue, the pattern, and the reward. Cue: I don't want to finish my dissertation because it's overwhelming and I don't think I am smart enough to finish it, and I don't want to face it. Pattern: Procrastinate Reward: Relief that I have avoided it another day. So, wouldn't you first deal with the negative thoughts that are a part of the procrastination before working on it? I've also been thinking a lot about positive reframing. I always do it, even with a client who has done it before, to remind people, and keep alive, their positive qualities, and to encourage more embracing/accepting of their symptoms as beautiful parts of themselves. With clients who have experience doing Positive Reframe, reframing their THOUGHTS, not just their feelings, can give a lot of insight. Here is a question I have, you often say, "physician heal thyself," and encourage personal work by the therapist.  Why does the therapist have to face their own issues to help someone else?  A heart surgeon doesn't have to have heart surgery in order to conduct surgery on their patient.  Why does a therapist? David replies People procrastinate because they don't want to do the thing they are putting off. There is no one reason, since we're all different. And we all tend to avoid things that seem unpleasant, and gravitate towards things that are more pleasant. I classify it in the general category of "Habit / Addiction." For years I dealt with the reasons people procrastinate as a first step, including the thoughts they have at the moment they procrastinate. I thought my job was to "help" the person who was procrastinating. This was universally unsuccessful, and not their failure became MY failure. This allowed them to continue procrastinating, since the doctor was trying to help them, and responsible for helping them. I decided, instead, to go with an approach that works. It took a number of years to figure that out! But it was a huge relief! We don't say that a psychiatrist or psychologist has to have schizophrenia or be cured of schizophrenia to help someone with schizophrenia. And we don't say that a mental health professional has to have OCD to treat someone with OCD effectively. No one has ever claimed that. What I am saying is that a heart surgeon has to have credibility and training in successful heart surgery to get the license practice surgery. But how does a mental professional get credibility? Well, let's say that you've once had severe public speaking anxiety, as I have had. And social anxiety as well. So, when a patient comes to me with social anxiety or public speaking anxiety, I can say, "Oh, I've had that too, and I know exactly how awful that can feel. And, it's going to be a pleasure to show you the way out of the woods." This message is generally welcomed by patients because it conveys two messages: I know how much you're suffering, because I've experienced it myself. I have the skills and the confidence to treat you successfully. Would you want to go to a therapist for the treatment of your own public speaking anxiety, or shyness, if you knew that the therapist had these problems and still hadn't found a cure for themself? There are other powerful reasons for doing your own personal work: You can see the impact of therapist errors if colleagues have tried to treat you without good empathy or methods. You can see what recovery / enlightenment mean at a much deeper level! You can see how and why certain techniques can be so critically important and helpful, and why many others will not be helpful. Once you have done your own work successfully, and experienced your own "enlightenment" or "recovery" or whatever you want to call it, you are no longer a mental health professional / technician type of therapist. You graduate to the "healer" class! During the live show, I went through the structure of the new approach to procrastination, and she sent this email right after finishing her "Mission Accomplished" or "I stubbornly refused" task. Dear Matt and David! Successfully completed! Thank you, Rhonda Thanks for listening today! Rhonda, Matt, and David

#469 Ask David-- What if AI steals my job? I'm freaking out! Recently, I got a cool question from Megan Morrone, a technology and science editor at Axios. She asked about job anxiety due to fears of AI taking over our work. Initially, I declined to speculate, since I've never treated anxiety due to AI stealing someone's job. But the more I thought about it, I realized I had quite a few, perhaps humble, things to say, so here it is, with help from Matt and Rhonda. I'll include a link to her column at the end of these show notes. She wrote: Dear Dr. Burns, I'm a technology and science editor at Axios, working on a story about job anxiety and how it affects workers today. Would have time to chat with me about it? I'm hoping to schedule a brief phone or Zoom conversation before Tuesday. 15–20 minutes? We'd potentially discuss: Why job-related anxiety feels especially pervasive right now What strategies are most effective in managing it How CBT approaches can be applied in workplace or career contexts Please let me know if you have availability. Best, Megan Morrone She subsequently clarified her focus: Hi! I'm looking at anxiety around AI stealing your job. Would you be able to speak to that? Any chance you're Monday between 7:30AM-9:30AM Pacific or anytime after 12:30pm Pacific time? I'd only need 20-30 minutes and we can do it via phone or video call. David's response Hi Megan, I thought of one point I could make if it would further your cause. Every negative emotion has a healthy and an unhealthy version. For example, healthy fear—when you're facing a realistic danger—is not the same as a panic attack or a phobia or social anxiety, etc. Healthy fear, or healthy sadness, and so forth, or not emotional problems needing treatment, but realistic emotions telling us to take action. Sadly, with AI as the latest revolution, lots will change, some good, some bad. And sadly, many will lose their work due to being taken over by AI. Our son, for example, used to get high paid work anytime he wanted in user interface work for companies with prominent web presences. But now AI does all of that, apparently. So, he has to look for something entirely different, and he's tried a lot. With a wife and a baby, the financial issues are real. Now, if someone starts getting overwhelmed by feelings of anxiety, self-criticism, and inadequacy, and hopelessness, that IS something I can help with—big time, Bu the practical problems in finding new and different work will remain even after the person has regained self-esteem and optimism. So sometimes scrambling and being flexible, if possible, and getting coaching with an expert in jobs and career development, perhaps, on what might be practically possible, is called for, and not psychotherapy. I LOVE working with anxiety and can usually guide my patients to extremely rapid recovery, which is tremendously rewarding, for them and for me! But when the problem is real, my expertise does not match the needs. Hope this helps in some small way. Of course, sometimes a good shrink can help with sorting out options in the real world, but that generally requires a different type of specialized training. It is profoundly sad, and we have personally experienced it, that so many people are facing this tragic uncertainty and worry about making ends meet and finding themselves lost due to this overwhelming and unpredictable new revolution. For what it's worth, my book, when Panic Attacks, is a mass market paperback that has helped many anxiety sufferers and illustrate a great many methods. Also, our Feeling Great app is currently free of charge and causes dramatic reductions in anxiety, depression, and a host of other negative emotions in less than 90 minutes the first time people sit down and use it. It actually includes a highly trained AI designed to use the exact methods I use in my work, and our data suggests that it vastly outperforms most human therapists but will probably not replace them because some serious problems require human intervention. Best, david David responds to Megan a bit further Wonderful, I had one or two additional thoughts for you. People faced with layoffs due to AI (or any reason) face two challenges: the inner challenge and the outer challenge. The outer challenge involves finding, of course, some new way to work and support yourself and your family. The inner challenge has to do with your thoughts. One of the Self-Defeating Beliefs behind a great deal of depression and anxiety is the Achievement Addiction, which means measuring your self-worth based on your work, your achievements, and so forth. This goes back to the Calvinist work ethic, as you know, which is one of the cornerstones of western civilization: you ARE what you DO. So if you do good things, you are a good person; but if you are not doing anything productive or constructive, you are worthless. So it is super easy to fall into a pattern of self-critical (and distorted) negative thoughts when you lose your work, including "I'm worthless," and "I'm letting my family down," and "this is my fault," or "it's unfair," and endless varieties of these themes that can trigger immediate depression, anxiety, shame, inadequacy, hopelessness, anger, and more. So that is the inner battle. And that's where good psychotherapy CAN play a hugely important role, so you don't have to double your trouble and face a loss of your job plus the loss of your self-esteem and dignity at the same time. Thanks, and good luck with your article! Warmly, david We discussed a great deal more on the live podcast. Megan just emailed me again, and here's what she said: You're way ahead of me! The story hasn't been published yet. But you can plug our Axios AI+ newsletter https://www.axios.com/signup/ai-plus So, check it out! And thanks for listening today! Matt, Rhonda, and David  

 The 2025 Feeling Good Podcast Survey Featuring Sevde Kalidiroglu, Director of Marketing, Feeling Great app This is the third survey of our podcast fans since the first podcast was broadcast on October 27, 2016, and the most recent was roughly five years ago. Our awesome Director Marketing at the Feeling Great app conducted the survey and prepared the report which you can review if you CLICK HERE Essentially, we wanted to know a little bit about who you are and why you listen, and what you like the most, and least, and what kinds of changes you'd like to see. 183 of you graciously completed the survey. Thanks! We discussed many of the findings on the podcast, and you can click the link above for the full report, but here are just a few highlights: Roughly 1/4 of you are mental health professionals, and 3/4 are general public. Men and women were represented equally. 60% of you are from the US, and 40% of you are international listeners. The age range is heavily tilted toward the older generation, with 66% of you above 50 years of age, and not a single podcast fan less than 20 years old! And why do you listen? Nearly 90% of you are listening to improve your emotional well-being. This was great to hear, and consistent with the many emails I receive describing the help so many of you have gotten from the podcast. In fact, one recent podcast fan fired their therapist due to lack of progress, having made much more progress from listening to the podcast. Many of you listen in order to learn TEAM CBT techniques, including therapists who want to improve their clinical skills as well as individuals who want to learn techniques they can use in their daily lives. Other reasons for listening include: Improve my own emotional well-being 87.1% Learn therapy techniques 57.9% Learn about mental health topics 53.4% Support friends/family 49.4% Entertainment 20.2%" One respondent wrote: "The podcast helps me apply tools to real-life problems that day—whether loneliness, meaning, or mood swings." If you click on the survey, you'll find a plethora of interesting findings, clearly presented. Rhonda and I are grateful to you, Sevde, for compiling this information, and we are all very grateful to you, our loyal fans, for sticking with us all these years! We will try hard to be mindful of the take-home messages at the end, which included: Key Recommendations 1. Keep Live Therapy and How-To episodes front and center 2. Reduce episode length & polish editing 3. Bridge podcast and app more clearly (especially in the U.S.) 4. Refresh branding and improve accessibility 5. Add diversity in guest speakers and clinical styles 6. Prioritize topics like perfectionism, trauma, resistance, and self-defeating beliefs 7. Keep posting webinar recordings as podcast episodes Thanks for listening today! Sevde, Rhonda, and David

#467 Ask David-- How can I help my elderly, demanding grandma? How can I empathize with hostile political figures? The answers to today's questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the podcast for a more in-depth discussion of each question. Today's questions. Brittany says that her elderly grandmother has become very needy and demanding, and that her mom finds grandmother's behavior irritating. She wants to know how she can help her mom / grandmom. Jenny asks: How do we empathize with people we are extremely angry with, including prominent political figures?   Brittany says that her elderly grandmother has become very needy and demanding, and that her mom finds grandmother's behavior irritating. Brittany wants to know how she can help her mom / grandmom. Hi Dr. Burns, A few months ago my grandma fell down her stairs and broke some ribs. She was in a nursing home for a short while since she needed physical therapy and assistance doing daily tasks. Before the accident, she lived alone and was completely independent. During her recovery, she pretty much had round the clock visitors. More than any other person in the nursing home. My grandma complained constantly and anytime someone would say "you look good" or "you seem to be doing better" she would very quickly respond with how terrible she feels etc. Having listened to your podcast on how to deal with complainers, I could see it was because nobody was acknowledging her feelings. They just wanted to say things to cheer her up. She is now recovered and back home, but she refuses to do things on her own again that she is capable of and the doctor cleared her to do. She has a terrible attitude and is constantly calling up family members and her friends to run errands for her. Example: my mom picked up some lettuce she asked for her. Then my grandma called her friend to go get her one afterwards, saying the one my mom bought was too small. She acts completely ungrateful. She texted me that she has been so lonely with no visitors but then my mom tells me that is not true. That she has had people coming over every day and taking her places. My mom is at her wits end dealing with her demanding attitude and ungratefulness. I know Jill had an example before where her mom was saying how hard things are and nobody is there for her and Jill used the five secrets. This situation feels a little different. How can my mom get her life back and get my grandma to do things on her own again? -Brittany David's reply Hi Brittany, How about including this as another Ask David? One problem, as I see it, is that your mom is not asking David for help. So I could only help you with your response to your mom, acknowledging how difficult things are for her. In other words, use the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. Of course, this assumes you want help with your interaction with your mom. It can be hard not to "HELP" when a loved one, like grandma, AND your mom, are suffering and struggling. Sadly, I have learned that trying to help third parties is not satisfying or effective most of the time. But modifying the way I interact with people is almost always helpful. Don't know if this make sense. Certainly we can see what Matt and Rhonda have to add / suggest. Warmly, david Brittany's response to David: Sure, I think it would be a great ask David. I would be interested in your approach if it were my mom asking you for help. What would you tell her and what your five secrets approach might be. -Brittany David's response: I always prefer have a specific example to a hypothetical question. I can only help you with YOUR responses to your mom, or to anyone. Can you give an example of something she has said to you that you want help responding to effectively? Warmly, david Jenny asks: How do we empathize with people we are extremely angry with, including prominent political figures? Dear David and Rhonda, Your session on dealing with cancer was incredibly heart-warming and so compassionate. I will be sharing that with my sister who is in a similar situation and now completely healed from her cancer! My question deals with anger. Many of us are dealing with anger and frustration at our country, president, and White House, who are taking rights away from us that we have earned over the past 80+ years. I find applying your positive ideas about anger to be very helpful: to view anger as having a high moral sense of justice and fairness, and to view frustration as keeping vigilant and to not get discouraged. But I want to investigate further how these anger/frustration ideas can be applied to White Supremacists and Steven Miller. Because when you hear these people talk they are so incredibly angry, and are directing their anger at other people in destructive ways. How could we, if given the opportunity, talk to them and feel empathy with them? Thanks so much, Jenny David's response: If you like, we can include your excellent and highly relevant question in an upcoming Ask David podcast. Thanks for listening today! Matt, Rhonda, and David

Ask David: Is friendship a basic human need? Lost and alone--What should I do? #466 Ask David: Is friendship a basic human need? Lost and alone—what should I do? The answers to today's questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the podcast for a more in-depth discussion of each question. Today's questions. Zainab asks: Is friendship a basic human need? Slash says: I'm lost and alone. I really don't know what direction to take in my life. What should I do?   Zainab asks: Is friendship a basic human need? Hello Dr. Burns, I have a question that has been pestering me for years. I know you said you don't need romantic love to be happy, but I find it hard to believe that you can be happy alone without any friends. Humans are social creatures and there have been studies that said being alone is equivalent to smoking cigarettes - that's how detrimental it is to your health. Being alone can be very dangerous - that is why solitary confinement is one of the worst punishments given in prisons. Best regards, Zainab David's reply However, the question, as I see it, would be whether adult, or romantic love as you call it, is a want or a need? Do we "need" it to feel happy? What were your happiest moments, between 0 and 100? I have had several incredibly happy moments that did not have anything to do with being loved or not being loved. What, in your opinion, is the maximum happiness possible if you are alone or unloved? What, exactly, is the claim that you are making? Have you ever intentionally spent time alone to check it out? And if, just if, you did not "need" romantic love to feel happy, would you want to know that? Or would you prefer to insist that we "need" love for happiness, even if it isn't true? In my experience working with many patients, the "need" for romantic love can actually be one of the greatest causes of unhappiness, and one of the greatest barriers to love as well! Best, david PS Here's another way to answer the question. What's your definition of "need?" Or, to put it slightly differently, what is it that you think you "need" friendship for? It wouldn't be a cup of coffee at Starbucks, for example, because anyone can walk in and purchase coffee. And you don't need friendship to breathe. Air is free. And also, what, in your opinion, would be the difference between "wanting" friendship and "needing friendship?" Also, what is your definition of "love." Love has many meanings, and is not some precise "thing." It's just a word we use in a great variety of ways. I love blueberry pie, but these days I avoid it because it is quite sweet, and I'm trying to avoid calories. I don't "need" blueberry pie. It's just a "nice to have" every now and then. I promised to include the Pleasure Predicting Sheet in the show notes so you can do the experiment suggested on the podcast. So here it is! Pleasure Predicting Sheet Slash says: I'm lost and alone. I really don't know what direction to take in my life! What should I do?  Subject: Feeling Lost Hi Dr. Burns, I wanted to share some mixed feelings with you. Your podcasts and techniques have been very helpful, and I'm truly grateful for the comfort and hope they bring me. I've been a shy, lonely person for most of my life, and only recently have I started to feel a little bit of confidence. Still, I worry a lot—just like my father. It's 4 a.m. as I write this, and I keep asking myself, What should I do with my life? Sometimes I dream about learning music, sometimes I think about getting a job, but whenever I try, my anxiety takes over and I step back. I often see myself as someone carrying many kinds of anxiety—social anxiety, constant worrying, nervousness about driving, blood phobia, and even anxiety that comes out of nowhere. I've also learned from you that hidden emotions can be powerful, and I'm beginning to notice that in myself. Sometimes I go out with my friends, enjoy the moment, and feel lighter. But when I come back and look at my father, my uncle, and my grandfather, I feel a wave of sadness again. My father struggles with anxiety, my uncle (who once lived bold and fearless) now has schizophrenia and cannot work, and my grandfather, at 88 years old, still travels in crowded buses to support the family. Their struggles weigh on my heart, and I often feel I'm not doing anything meaningful in comparison. Sometimes I even find myself seeing you as a grandfather figure, because your words carry so much wisdom and kindness. It feels strange to say, but I really don't know what direction to take in my life. If you could share even a little guidance, I would be deeply grateful. Warmly, Slash David's response We can include this in an Ask David podcast if you like! Please advise. Warmly, david We can use your first name or a fake name, whatever you prefer. Matt, Rhonda, and David

The Music of TEAM-- A Little Different from the Music of REBT! There are many paradoxes in TEAM! That's part of what makes TEAM challenging, but also exciting. Do you know what the plural of paradox is? Paradise! Sometimes, music allows us to "see" or "get" something that pure thinking struggles with. Years ago, followers of the renowned but controversial Dr. Albert Ellis loved singing the famous and outrageous songs written by Dr. Ellis and featuring key ideas in the Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) he created. They were popular because they captured his core messages, involving low frustration tolerance, whining and complaining, and more. Dr. Ellis wrote the words, and the music came from popular songs familiar to anyone, like Battle Hymn of the Republic, and many others. If you like, you can hear a brief interview with Dr. Ellis, and listen as he discusses the dire "need" for love and sings one of his songs about the need (demand) for love AT THIS LINK Although none of the REBT songs made the top list on the top ten charts, they brought tons of glee to his many fans, especially when the participants at his psychotherapy conferences would sing them together. His humorous music made it a little easier for some of us to recognize the absurdity in the intense "shoulds" we direct against ourselves when we fall short and a world that isn't the way it "should" be, according to our narcissistic rules! Today, we hear some of the music of TEAM CBT which seems to be increasing in popularity recently. However, the themes are quite different from the cutting and sarcastic music of the Albert Ellis era. Instead, they tend to focus on some of the more tender and inspiring messages of TEAM CBT. For example, I've often described a key idea that I learned from my beloved cat, teacher, and friend, Obie: "When you no longer need to be special, the world becomes special." The message focuses on the perfectionism and self-criticism that so many patients and therapists alike indulge in, criticizing themselves mercilessly for every error, failure, and shortcoming, thinking that if they work hard enough, they will achieve something tremendous and attain a lofty status of true "specialness." You will hear the song, "Am I Special?" on today's podcast. The lyrics of "Am I Special?" were written by Angela Poch, the music was written by Shalynn Burton. Angela Poch put together the virtual choir featuring Rachael, Shalynn, Brandon Vance, Eric Burns and Heather Clague. The Acceptance Paradox is at the core of that song and many TEAM CBT techniques—finding joy and enlightenment when you accept your shitty, below average self. And here's the essence of the Acceptance Paradox: When you accept yourself exactly as you are, warts and all, everything suddenly changes. You perceive yourself and your world through new eyes, and you see that everything is actually quite different from the way you thought, and you experience a sense of freedom, liberation, and joy. David Burns, MD This is a paradox because total acceptance and total change appear to be exact opposites! But in fact, their the exact same thing! Along the same lines, the so-called "Great Death" of the "self" is actually the "Great Rebirth," or a great "waking up" from a trance. Much of today's music revolves around those kinds of themes. And some of it focuses on the Five Secrets of Effective Communication and the Disarming Technique, which highlights another key paradox that I call the Law of Opposites: When someone criticizes you with an unfair and untrue criticism, you will the overwhelming urge to argue and defend yourself. If you give in to this urge—and nearly everybody does—you will actually PROVE that the criticism was actually 100% valid, and the critic will continue to attack and criticize you. That's a Paradox! And here's the other side of that paradox: If you immediately, humbly, and genuinely agree with a criticism that sounds unfair and untrue, you will instantly put the lie to it, and the criticism will suddenly realize that the criticism simply isn't true. That's also a Paradox. So much for the background, and some of the philosophy behind the music you'll hear today. First, here are the performers you'll hear in today's podcast, with brief bio sketches: Mark Noble, PhD is a famed neuroscientist and recently certified TEAM CBT coach. Today, he sings three songs with guitar: Placebo, Mind Warp, and Song of My Self. You can contact him at mark_noble@urmc.rochester.edu Heather Clague, MD is a psychiatrist and Level 5 Advanced Master TEAM therapist practicing in Oakland, California. Heather and her colleague, Brandon Vance, MD, are the originators of the immensely popular Feeling Great and Feeling Great app book clubs. For more information, got to https://www.heatherclaguemd.com. Brandon Vance, MD is also a psychiatrist and Level 4 Master TEAM therapist and song writer practicing in Oakland. For more information, go to https://www.feelinggreattherapycenter.com/brandonvance. He works with Heather on a variety of immensely popular Feeling Great book and app clubs. Heather and Brandon sang the song Heather wrote, "TEAM Is Paradoxical." In addition to singing, Heather plays the ukulele. Erik Burns is the son of David Burns, MD. He lives with his wife and son in Santa Cruz, California, and practices hypnosomatic therapy for individuals struggling with anxiety as well as those with gastrointestinal complaints. He was recently featured on the Feeling Good Podcast (#435, February 10th, 2025: https://feelinggood.com/2025/02/10/435-meet-erik-burns/). You can learn more about Erik's life and practice at https://www.instagram.com/erikburns.bloom/. Shalynn Burton, ACSW is TEAM therapist who practices virtually throughout California at the Feeling Good Institute. She specializes in anxiety, dating/ relationship, race/ethnic challenges, social skills, self-esteem, and more. To learn more, you can check her out at https://feelinggoodinstitute.com/find-cbt-therapist/shalynn-burton. Rachel Dillman is a singer / songwriter who creates music to help people build greater resilience. To learn more, check her out at www.linkedin.com/in/rachmd www.resilwave.com. She asked me to emphasize that that her songs help her memorize and put into practice important concepts, like the Five Secrets of Effective Communication. In addition, she is a strong believer that songs can influence our thoughts and emotions. You can hear her songs such as Change How You Feel, Five Secrets, and more at the link above! Angel Poch is an immensely popular and talented TEAM CBT coach and teacher. She practices in Canada, and offers TEAM CBT training internationally through her many outstanding virtual classes and certification program for coaches. For more information, see https://angelapoch.com// Angela also wrote the songs: "Feeling Great," and "Tell Me the Truth." Thanks for listening today! Rhonda, Angela, Rachel, Shalynn, Erik, Heather, Brandon, Mark, and David

Hopelessness: A New Approach Featuring Mike Christensen Often, therapists are drawn to become specialists in the very area where they once suffered and felt most vulnerable. In Mike's case, he describes his own feelings of failure, betrayal, bitterness and hopelessness in his early career, and how he found his way to become a star in the TEAM therapy firmament. Today, he describes a breakthrough approach in the treatment of hopelessness as well, based on the A = Assessment of Resistance portion of TEAM. Mike began by saying that treating hopelessness is always a challenge. . . in fact, I can vividly remember when I felt hopeless! And of course, part of the challenge is the fear that hopeless patients may try to take their own lives. This is the "dark side" of clinical practice, and it is not often talked about because of the terror it strikes in the hearts of mental health professionals. Mike started out with a bit of his traumatic personal history. He explained that he once owned and ran a bicycle shop in Canada when he was in his mid- to late-twenties. "There was a fellow businessman in my town who was a bit older than me and somebody I really looked up to. He was successful, had a beautiful family, was well respected in the community and had some wonderful friends. One day I got a phone call from my wife and she said to me:  'Did you hear what happened to John? She went on to tell me that it was shocking and terrible because he was somebody who enjoyed hunting. One day he went out to the family cabin and took his shotgun and took his own life. Mike said that at his funeral, "I can remember it like it was yesterday hearing his daughter's voice when she spoke and those words that she said.  "Daddy, why were you so sad?" "A number of years later we had moved on, sold the business and our home and moved to another town to work in an organization supporting people. I had done my degree in theology with focus on youth and counseling and was working with young families. Unfortunately there were some real difficulties in the situation and it did not turn out very well after a little over a year. He felt betrayed, and ended up with no job. He was now in his mid to late-30s, and got a job in a hardware store. "I was really struggling with the sense of confusion, frustration, depression and hopelessness. Even though I had a supportive family, and had been successful in many areas of my life. He recounts, "One day I looked in the mirror and as I was having those thoughts of hopelessness I was reminded of John, my business colleague who had taken his own life 10 years earlier and I thought about my 2 young daughters.  I could hear John's daughter's voice: "Daddy why were you so sad"  in my head and I thought I have to get some help" "My wife is a nurse and has a very wise family physician, Dr Mariette deBruin, who is incredibly skilled at empathy. Fortunately, she had been at a mental health conference earlier that year and heard this brilliant psychiatrist share a powerful approach to treating depression without medication. That psychiatrist was Dr David Burns. She suggested I get a hold of the book, Feeling Good, and that was the start of my recovery in 2006. I went back to grad school  to do my Masters in Counseling Psychology and then attended my first workshop with Dr. Burns  in 2009." Looking back, I realized that hopelessness was actually my best friend. I was in a tremendous amount of pain. Here were some of the positives I discovered in my feelings of hopelessness: In my previous work, I'd been hurt badly, stabbed in the back. My hopelessness was my way of punishing the people who'd hurt me. I was saying, "Look at me. I'm a broken shell." I felt like this gave me some value. . . as well as a sense of revenge." I had placed a lot of value in my success in my life, three beautiful kids, and a great athletic career (biking), and my hopelessness protected me from the disappointment of dashed dreams in my new career. I felt I was being realistic. Hopelessness validated how severe my problems were. Hope trivialized it. When I'm working with practicum students or interns that are early in their counseling or therapy career, one of the greatest fears that they have is that one of their clients or patients will take their own life. Sadly, when you go into this line of work the reality is that at some point, someone we work with in some capacity will experience that level of hopelessness and so I have to inform them that "suicide is not if, but when." This is why it's so critical for us to know how to  work with it. He explained that "Hopelessness validated how I felt. People were all trying to cheer me up. That's the WORST thing you can do. "My TEAM training was pointing me in the opposite direction. Validating it and acknowledging it took the pressure off of it and began the process of bringing about tremendous relief." We discussed the power and value of Positive Reframing, even with the hopeless patient, as well as the value of empathy. He said the Positive Reframing shows that "you totally get what this is like for me." The positive reframe serves as our most profound empathy tool. By enabling us to perceive the world through the eyes of our clients or patients, it eliminates their sense of isolation. The hopelessness shows something beautiful and awesome about you. He recalls his early training in TEAM, and the immense value of the Externalization of Voices and Feared Fantasy work he did with David to challenge his negative thoughts, including: I really AM a failure. David must be thinking that I'm an embarrassment to him. David is also thinking, "I can't believe I let you on this podcast." We illustrated the Externalization of Voices and Feared Fantasy live on the podcast, including the blow-away Acceptance Paradox. Because of that training, "I am no longer afraid of failure!" Thanks so much for joining us today! Mike, David and Rhonda

Defeat Perfectionism  and Discover the Art of Self-Acceptance Part 2 of 2 Last week, we published Part 1 of the two-hour webinar on techniques to defeat perfectionism. This week, in Part 2 you'll learn many powerful methods to crush the distorted thoughts that trigger perfectionism, including Identify the Distortions Explain the Distortions The Externalization of Voices The Acceptance Paradox The Counter-Attack Technique The Feared Fantasy Technique Self-Disclosure Relapse Prevention Training And more! You can take a look at the workshop handout if you CLICK HERE! This live, practical training will equip you with powerful, research-backed techniques to help yourself and your clients transform perfectionism into peace, power, self-acceptance, and emotional freedom, all illustrated with dramatic video clips from an actual TEAM CBT session with a woman struggling mightily from brutal self-criticisms, self-doubt, and sleepless nights, due to the very perfectionism that has catapulted her into an incredible career. Thanks for listening today! And please let us know if you like (or do not care for) these two part-podcasts based on one of my two hour webinars with Dr. Jill Levitt!  Jill, David and Rhonda

Ask David: How to Stop Giving a Crap Motivating a Procrastinator . . . and More The answers to today's questions are brief and were written prior to the show. Listen to the podcast for a more in-depth discussion of each question. Today's questions. 1. Chris has a question about Positive Reframing and the Magic Dial. 2. Joe asks: What method would be best to stop giving a crap? 3. Ollie asks: How do you motivate a procrastinating patient to do the hard work of facing the task they've been putting off? 4. Owen asks: Should I complete a full Daily Mood Log each day? 5. Owen also asks: Is it okay to copy the positive reframing from a previous DML when relevant?   1. Chris asks about Positive Reframing and the Magic Dial. Hi David! I'm currently on my third re-read of "Feeling Great" and want to thank you for the positive changes and progress I have experienced in my life as a result of the techniques and information present in the book. My question is, when you use positive reframing, and identify all the advantages of a negative thought, but still decide, "Hey I would still like to reduce my suffering, in spite of all these good things. But I would love to keep the advantages too." Does this mean my conviction for change is not strong enough? Or is this when I should transition to the magic dial technique and try to keep the best of both worlds ? Thank you in advance, Christian David's reply Thanks, do the Magic Dial and you can have it both ways. However, keep this in mind, or perhaps discover it later on. Once you start to challenge your thoughts successfully, and your belief in your negative thoughts diminishes substantially, you may decide to lower your feelings even further, possibly all the way to zero. And at that point, you're probably ready for Relapse Prevention Training as described in the book. The Feeling Great app is free this summer if you're in the US, so that might help you along the trail if needed. Warmly, David Can I use this as an Ask David question on one of our Ask podcasts? d Christian responds Hello David, Thank you for your in depth response, that's really handy. Part of me is really hoping I'll want to lower my ratings even further, but I think as you have outlined many times, honoring my resistance is important if I want to get to that point. It's weird isn't it, I know at an intellectual level I want these things to happen, but at the gut level part of me is still holding on. I would love to use the app, however I'm based in the UK and it isn't available to me, I saw on the FAQ on the website that it may be getting released in other parts of the world soon ? I also hope there will be more and more TEAM-CBT therapists available in the UK in future too ! Absolutely, I would love for my question to be featured in the podcast ! Warm Regards, Christian   2. Joe asks: What method would be best to stop giving a crap? Hey Dr. Burns, Your two most recent webinars have been very helpful, especially Overcoming Perfectionism, yet I still struggle hard with perfectionism. [To be specific, I put a video out there that people enjoyed (internally) and that I spent a month on, only to get mostly ignored, and I feel defeated.] What method would be best to stop giving a crap? Thanks! Joe David's Reply As I have said so often, I don't recommend "methods" for "problems." I use TEAM, a process. I sometimes have the same problem with media interviews. I am often asked to give three tips on this or that problem, like gaining self-esteem or whatever. For example, a Chinese interviewer asked for "tips" on overcoming depression, like spending more time in nature or more time with friends and the people you care about. I am not happy about such questions, as my answer is that I'm a no tips please type of guy. I have developed many powerful processes for dealing with a variety of common problems. For example, for individual mood problems I find it extremely useful to start out with a partially completed Daily Mood Log, and for a relationship problem a partially completed Relationship Journal can lead to some fantastic and revealing work. But as far as general "tips" for not "giving a crap" if you're struggling with perfectionism, I can only quote what the Buddha said nearly 2,500 years ago: "General tips suck! Give me something specific and real, please!" Best, david   3. How can you motivate someone who procrastinates? Dear David, I have a question but first I'd like to tell you and the team just how much I'm loving the app. Especially since you gave the AI a voice so now we can speak with it rather than typing out responses. Now it feels so quick and easy. Sometimes, I find it can be hard to motivate myself to do the self-help work but talking to the app makes the process effortless. It really does feel like having a friend who's got your best interest at heart, and they're available to talk to you whenever you need them. My question is about the role of therapists when it comes to patient motivation. I was hoping you could clarify why when patients present with anxiety, we know they will predictably resist doing exposure, but as a therapist it is necessary to press the matter. However, when working with a procrastinating patient, they will almost always show similar process resistance (to doing whatever it is they're procrastinating about), but your recommendation (as far as I understand it) is not to push them to do anything. Not to help motivate them to do the hard work. Is there a reason for this difference, or have I misunderstood entirely? Warmest regards, Ollie David's Reply I can make this an Ask David question, and thanks. Appreciate the kind comments. As a therapist working with anxiety or depression, I work out the Outcome and Process Resistance before trying to "help." So, the depressed patient must agree to homework, and the anxious patient must agree to exposure, in order for us to work together on those problems. This is called Dangling the Carrot, Gentle Ultimatum, and Sitting with Open Hands and sometimes with Fallback Position at the end. If a patient wants help with procrastination, they must agree to the five-minute rule, to get started at a specific time today, even if they don't feel motivated. I see it as the same thing: making the patient accountable and giving the patient free will to decide what they are willing to do—or not willing to do. I would never try to motivate a procrastinating patient! That's not on the menu. However, I can help them get started if they need help, but I the first five things they have to do into simple things taking 15 seconds each, like sit in my chair might be the first step in organizing you desk. Then reaching for a piece of paper that needs filing. Etc. Five minutes work of little things. You might want to listen to / search the podcasts for this process. We'll mention a bit more on the podcast. Warmly, david If I missed it, try again!    4. Owen asks: Should I complete a full Daily Mood Log each day? Hi Dr. Burns, Thank you again for all the incredible content you've been sharing—both the Feeling Good podcast and your Feeling Great videos. You're so engaging and natural on camera, it's hard to believe you were ever camera-shy! The Ask David segments are always a highlight of my Mondays. I just had two quick questions about the Daily Mood Log. I often find it takes me several hours to complete one fully, including the positive reframing. Should I aim to complete a full log each day for maximum benefit, or is it okay to work through one gradually over several days? I often get unrelated negative thoughts while still working on a previous log, which means I can't get to the new ones right away. David's Reply Hi Owen, Yes, you can spread it out for sure. david   5. Owen asks: To speed things up, is it okay to copy positive reframing from a previous DML when relevant, or is it better to start fresh each time? Thanks so much in advance, Owen (assumed name) David's Reply Hi Owen, Yes, you can use previous PR! Will include your questions at the upcoming Ask David podcast. Can we use your first name? david At our next Ask David, we'll start out with this question: 1. Zainab asks: Is friendship a basic human need? What do you think? Yes? No? Maybe? We did a survey among our group in preparation for the next Ask, and it was two "no's" (Matt and David) and one "yes" (Rhonda). So stay tuned next week for the discussion of this question that comes up often in different disguises. For example, we often hear heated proclamations on whether love is an adult human "need." What do you think about that question? Thanks for listening today! Matt, Rhonda, and David

Ask David-- The Fear of Happiness! Although we had five questions for today's Ask David episode, we spend the entire podcast on the first question from a man with an intense fear of happiness. He wrote: How can I use exposure to overcome my fear of happiness? Hi David, How would you do exposure for the fear of happiness? Whenever I feel happy I immediately feel afraid because I had a very strict religious upbringing where many harmless forms of fun and enjoyment were completely forbidden. Even though I'm no longer a religious believer, the fear remains. Feeling good then makes me afraid, anxious and insomniac. This often goes on for days after something good happens and it almost seems as if I AM being punished after all! How can I recover when feeling good makes me feel so bad? Love your work and all that you do. Best regards, Tomas David's reply As I have said on numerous occasions, I do NOT recommend "methods" (like exposure) for "problems" (like your "fear of happiness.") I think your problem is very treatable, but I work with patients systematically, and that doesn't mean starting out with a "method," like exposure or any other method. I use a step by step approach, using T = Testing, E – Empathy, A = Assessment of Resistance, and M = Methods in a sequence. In addition, when I work with anxiety, I always incorporate these four approaches with every patient I work with: The Motivational Model: I bring Outcome and Process Resistance to conscious awareness and melt them away, if possible, using a variety of TEAM CBT approaches. The Cognitive Model: This involves a well-done Daily Mood Log to identify and challenge the distorted negative thoughts at one moment in time. The Exposure Model: Facing your fears, or testing them with an experiment. This is frightening, but required of every anxious patient. The Hidden Emotion Model: This is based on the idea that only "nice" people struggle with anxiety, with only a few exceptions, and that an unacknowledged problem is often hiding right behind the anxiety. The cure requires the Detective Step: identifying what the hidden emotion or feeling is. The Action Step: Expressing the suppressed feeling and or dealing with the problem you are avoiding. Your fear of happiness is an interesting problem for sure. One of my favorite movies, "Babette's Feast," involves this theme. If you want some help, you could send me a partially completed Daily Mood Log. You will discover that you are the only one who is doing the punishing! It is that belittling, intimidating voice in your own head that is causing 100% of your suffering. I look forward to helping you challenge those voices! In the meantime, I'll add this to the latest Ask David podcast questions, in the hopes you might send the DML, and then Rhonda and I can comment in greater depth on the live program. Best, david Tomas kindly sent a Daily Mood Log, which you can see if you CLICK HERE As you can see, the Upsetting Event is simply "studying mathematics," something he loves. However, he has the belief that if he allows himself to enjoy this or any activity, something terrible will happen to him. He traces this to a strict religious upbringing, and perhaps also to bullying he endured as a kid. You can see that this is intensely upsetting to him. If you look you will see that in 8 of the 9 categories of emotions on his Daily Mood Log (DML), he scores in the range of 80 to 100, which is intense and severe to extreme. The only emotion category that is not extremely elevated is the anger cluster, which he rated at only 40. You can see as well that his negative thoughts all involve the theme of punishment and destruction if he allows himself to feel happiness and enjoyment of life, or if he advances himself in life. In some of the emails he sent me, he traces this back to being bullied when young. . . possibly by kids who were jealous of his high IQ. As mentioned above, I don't throw methods (like exposure) at people based on a problem or diagnosis (in his case a phobia, the fear of happiness.) I also mentioned that I go through the T E A M model in a sequence, starting with Testing and Empathy, followed by the Assessment of Resistance and culminating in Methods. In addition, I always treat anxious patients with four powerful models, including the Motivational Model, the Cognitive Model, the Exposure Model, and the Hidden Emotion Model. I described these models above. The Motivational Model The Outcome Resistance has to do with the fact that Tomas may resist treatment because of his fear of the consequences of successfully achieving happiness. We will deal with that with Positive Reframing, including the Miracle Cure Question, the Magic Button, Positive Reframing, and the Magic Dial. In addition, we'll have to deal with Process Resistance. At some point, we will have to use exposure techniques, and we will want to find out if he's WILLING to do exposure even though it may be extremely anxiety provoking at first. We can dangle the carrot, letting him know that we anticipate a positive outcome, but also understand that facing his worst fears may be terrifying at first, and very uncomfortable. I will not try to persuade him to use any of the many versions of Exposure. He will have to persuade me that he's willing to do it. I suspect he will be, because he is asking for exposure, but if he says he wants to be treated without exposure, I will have to let him know I am not a good choice as a therapist for him! That's because I don't know how to defeat any form of anxiety without exposure. Of course, I cannot treat Tomas, or anyone, through an Ask David, but can only make teaching points. But I am teaching self-help techniques that have been helpful to many people. In an email, I asked him the Magic Button question, and he said he didn't think he'd push it. This indicates some understandable resistance that has to be dealt with. Positive Reframing is one way to deal with Outcome Resistance. The goal is not only deeper empathy but also helping patients "see" that the negative thoughts and feelings they are struggling so desperately to overcome are actually positive in many ways. Once they "see" this, it is kind of a pleasant shock to the system, and their resistance to change typically disappears. Then we ask them to set goals for each negative feelings—a lower level of each feeling that would allow them to feel better and not lose all the wonderful positives we have discovered. That's why it's better NOT to push the Magic Button. To help Tomas or anyone see and list the positives in their negative thoughts and feelings, we ask two key questions about each one: What are some possible advantages, or benefits, of this negative thought or feeling? How might it help me? What does this negative thought or feeling show about me and my core values as a human being that's positive and awesome? Typically, this leads to list of 10 to 20 positives that have three characteristics. To give you an example, his intense loneliness is an expression of his love for people and the great value he sees in meaningful relationships. And his anxiety serves to protect him from danger, and is therefore an expression of self-love. And his feelings of inferiority—in spite of his tremendous intelligence—show humility, which is not only a spiritual quality, but also can make a person of great intelligence more accessible, more vulnerable, and more attractive. Inferiority may also be an expression of his honesty and willingness to acknowledge his shortcomings, as well as his accountability. We could easily go on and on, and it might be a great exercise for you to try find the positives in several other of his negative thoughts and feelings by asking those two questions. Once my patient and I have listed 10 or more positives, I ask if these positives are True and valid? Powerful? Important? Nearly always, I get a resounding YES to each question. Then I use the Magic Dial to see what they might want to dial each negative feeling down to in the % Goal column of the Daily Mood Log. Is this Positive Reframing process straightforward? Easy? Not really. I make it look easy, because when I teach I want people to understand, but "seeing" these positives is, in reality, incredibly challenging for most people. In fact, You can see the Positive Reframing that Tomas completed on his own if you CLICK HERE As you can see Tomas almost completely missed the boat when he tried to identify the positives in his negative thoughts and feelings. I mention this because it is a CRUCIAL step in TEAM CBT, and people often have a tremendously hard time "seeing" the positives in their negative thoughts and feelings. A big part of the reason is that society teaches us the opposite. In fact, negative feelings are Labeled as a bewildering array of more than 200 so-called "mental disorders" by the American Psychiatric Association in their "bible," the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.) But here's something even MORE surprising. Rhonda—a highly respected and admired TEAM CBT therapist and teacher—also struggles to find the positives during today's podcast. Once someone has pointed them out, you can suddenly "see" them. But on your own, you may have a lot of trouble at first with Positive Reframing, which is anything but simple, but extraordinarily powerful once you "get it." I recently told my weekly Tuesday psychotherapy training group at Stanford that TEAM CBT is extraordinarily difficult to learn and master—nearly always requiring years of study and practice—and perhaps the most challenging form of psychotherapy ever developed. She was angry and told me I'd have to do large controlled outcome studies to validate that claim! Yikes! I may be wrong, and there could be other more difficult forms of therapy, but I still believe what I'm saying because I see it every single day. Many of the most powerful and helpful concepts, such as the four "Great Deaths" of the "self" f