Kagro in the Morning

David Waldman drops us off in time for our weekend fun, but not without some parting words of wisdom. We’re so sorry, Uncle Albert, but Admiral Alvin Holsey has notified the US Southern Command that he will be departing only a year into his 3-year mission of slaughtering Trinidadian fishermen. Pete Hegseth will drown his sorrows this weekend with Jeanine Pirro, who also hasn’t been able to catch a break or a conviction. Multiple judges have shut down multiple Chicago attempts at military takeover and harassment of citizens. Karoline Leavitt wants to throw judges and their laws in jail. Schools are actually winning their cases against Trump, but that’s just not as fun for retail media to report. Now, shooting missiles across California Interstate 5, that’s a media event. So is indicting John Bolton, who probably deserves indictment, maybe for what he was indicted for. Russian drones and jets keep wandering into NATO countries. Now little green men are reemerging along the border.

David Waldman delivers another two hours of merriment and erudition. Unfortunately, Greg Dworkin’s construction project is in its final stages, so his time was necessarily restricted. Vile, deplorable, Nazi-loving young Gops are… exactly that, as anyone related to, acquainted with, or standing behind them in Arby’s will tell you. The White House looks into the mirror and sees nothing. JD Just Dance Vance says that under 40-year-old boys will be boys. Mike Johnson kinda digs the bad boys but has his son’s number in case he goes overboard. BUT!! ...WHAT ABOUT Jay Jones? BUT!! ...WHAT ABOUT Graham Platner? New Jersey is what New Jersey was for a while now. John Fetterman, however, has changed, and so should his support. 2,500 No Kings protests are set for this Saturday. Republicans who hate America will hate you for going to these things. Luckily for us, Democrats are filled with love and are law-abiding patriots with sympathy and trust abounding, and this will be plain for all to see. We are a bit late, though. At least if the intent is to prevent a monarchy. That ship has sailed, along with the budget. The budget is whatever Donald K. Trump says it is, to whomever he has said it to, until he says differently. All professional and amateur sports will be relocated to St. Louis, Missouri. What’s left of the IRS will be pursuing anyone who ever checked a “D” box in an election. Sure, that’s “a crime”, but try telling that to our new Sheriffs of Nottingham.

David Waldman survived to Wednesday! He can breathe again! Greg Dworkin has been adding the finishing touches on his home renovation yet still had the time to tow in a raft o’ stories for us today. With government shut down, Democrats have even more time to convene focus groups to work out what their thoughts might be on a given subject. Perhaps the next poll will lend some clarity to their subsequent moral stand. “Pollingism” is trying to follow to where you guess people are heading. “Magnetism” is deciding to lead to where you believe people should go. Magnetism is at the center of Zohran Mamdanism. Young Gop leaders obviously do not focus group their statements and only speak from the heart. Donald K. Trump kills 6 more people and dares anyone to try to stop him. “You and whose army?” takes on a new meaning as Trump assembles his own troops.  Los Angeles County declares a state of emergency over immigration raids, so FEMA better load up. Meanwhile, unfortunately, the National Guard has something constructive to do after Typhoon Halong devastated western Alaska communities.  The Trump Supreme Court draws the line at Alex Jones.

David Waldman is back and flying solo again! He’s the Charles Lindbergh of podcasters, but without the antisemitism! Remember when Joe Biden brokered peace and secured the release of hostages in Gaza? Well, Donald K. Trump just did some too. Only, Trump got the last of the hostages, which, like the last piece of cake, is always the most important part. Now what? Who knows? What’s in it for Trump? At the Gaza summit, Trump, always the dealmaker, remembered to “ABC”: Always Be Covetous”, Always Be Corrupting”, Always Be Coercive”, “Always Be Crass”, and “Always Be Cruising.” Trump made certain to complement Egypt, not just because he admires their lack of human rights, but because he owes them for helping take care of Hillary Clinton. Oh, yeah, also that $10 million in American $100 bills. Did Donald commit a crime or two? Like they say, “follow the money”. Two halves of Trump’s halfwit battle it out over China, and the only ones who have a clue probably have Trump or Kushner as their last names. Meanwhile, while everybody else goes low, Barack Obama goes high.

Donald Trump shipped 50% of USRDA of crazy overseas this weekend, with a trip to Israel and Egypt to collect some unusual MAGA hats, and to try to get into heaven. The good news is, the hostage/prisoner swap has taken place and the guns are (at least temporarily) silent. Or at least that’s what we hear. But we hear a lot of things about this deal. Many people must be saying them. The weekend at home was therefore about half as crazy as usual, but routine in all the sad ways they sometimes are. The loss of an entertainment icon, for one. And lots of gun violence, in places where zero National Guard troops are on their way. Essential background on a continuing source of crazy—Bill Pulte—proves once again how deeply weird top Trumpers really are. The rich are different. By which we mean weirder than normal weird. Normies, by contrast, are still pretty normal. Which only makes the Deeply Weird that much more suspicious of them, given that they’re usually busy committing the same violations, but on a much grander scale. The “case against” Letitia James continues in what we can only hope is its death spiral, which can only surprise Pam Bondi in that she was apparently surprised by the case being brought at all. Is it just a case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing? If so, it’s not limited to the DOJ. The CDC, for instance, fired everybody in sight over the weekend, then scrambled to rehire them (again) before Monday. Dominion Voting Systems is under new ownership, by which we mean Republican. Going forward, the company appears poised to forgive defamation judgments against… Republicans and just maybe, “Twitter files-style,” prove its new owners “right” about vote-rigging. Would that be enough to ensure success in 2026? If not, Gop activists in Oregon have a proposed solution: kick the Oregon (and maybe Washington) delegations out of Congress. Lastly, a reminder that the traditions of “judicial deference” and the “presumption of regularity” are earned benefits, not entitlements. And at least one judge has laid out a path forward on that. (I mean, what kind of judgemental deference do you give to a guy promising you 1,500% discounts?)

David Waldman places our basinet at the Gateway to Chaos, rings the bell and slips away, but first sings us one more two-hour lullaby: If only María Corina Machado went fishing more often, Donald K. Trump would be painting his TRUMP Nobel Peace Prize gold today. Now, who does he have to blow up to score next year’s? The tough part for Donald will be pretending to be humanitarian for yet another year, the easy part will be that Bibi will let him declare peace every year if he wants. Trump only has to have his boy Jared Kushner “get to a yes” first, and then… Well, then there is no “second step”. Of what use would be a “second step”? Trump has found less use for peace in this country. Stephen Miller said the words “plenary authority” out loud on CNN, then had to pause to orgasm. National Guard units in Chicago are now useless, even for picking up the trash. Kristi Noem will remind people in airport lines that “Ignorance is Strength”. With James Comey, and now Letitia James, the goal is to get to an indictment. Again, there is no second step. A judge won’t let Trump regulate federal elections. Soon, he won’t need to. Meanwhile, election denier/Andrew Tate fanboy Paul Ingrassia is set to be installed to watch over elections and would also like to be installed to watch over female employees.

David Waldman brings us one day closer to… whatever that is up ahead. Greg Dworkin is still renovating yet still has time to drop by for a chat. Donald K. Trump has a new can of gold Rust-Oleum waiting for his Nobel Prize this Friday, but first he must attend to his conquest of Portland, the crushing of his adversaries, subjugation of the masses, etc. His commands, spoken face down in his morning oatmeal, are then relayed to Nikolai Yezhov, or in his absence, Stephen Miller and the She-Wolf of the DOJ, Pam Bondi. The government shutdown has now riled Democrats into actually walking over to Republicans and asking them questions. It’s pushed Marjorie Taylor Greene to the point of empathy. It’s even made Chuck Schumer… ornery. It might even help save health care. There’s even a possibility that it might save the United States. What’s in it for Trump, though? The war between the states front has moved from the courts, to right outside the court, to right over to the judges themselves.

David Waldman returns to take another whack at the week, with Greg Dworkin taking a break from his myriad construction supervision duties to chip in with the latest facts and opinions. Today’s news: Things are awful and will get worse. In this environment, if Democrats stood still, they’d end up looking progressively less bad.  But hey, Dems are better than bad — they’re good! Caring about others might just work for us this time, as people who don’t care about others are also getting screwed. Also, the Gop pro-cruelty message becomes less convincing when some of the cruelty gets on them. Pam Bondi, She-Wolf of the DOJ, went to Congress yesterday to add more people to Trump’s shit list. First through the gate is James Comey, who is not going willingly. Comey’s indictment has a few “fatal flaws”, not the least of which is the chief prosecution witness will be the chief defense witness. Grand juries would prefer to indict ham sandwiches rather than the people being sent their way. Meanwhile, jackboots march across America. Trump has Texas declare war on Illinois. If Portland isn’t burning now, just wait until the B-2s drop by. Americans don’t want this. The Pope doesn’t want this.

David Waldman explains the inexplicable for another couple of hours. Donald K. Trump might have to invoke the Insurrection Act to do whatever he wants. That’s ok by him, it’s just that he hates doing things. Even “invoking” is getting tough at his age. The road to Hell is now paved with explainer articles. CNN reaches back three decades to find a photo, reaching over more recent and appropriate examples. Trump’s immigration crackdown will knock $240 billion off of US economic growth, but everyone knows that misses the point. Donald K. Trump might know Ghislaine Maxwell, he might not. He might pardon her, he might not. Depends on how cute he feels… Say it! Trump's new acting U.S. Attorney Lindsey Halligan is having a tough time finding someone to prosecute James Comey who hasn’t already been disbarred but would like to be. Curtis Yarvin scheme for world domination is falling apart and he’s now prepping his escape pod. Wait a minute! Marjorie Taylor Greene’s children’s insurance premiums for 2026 are going to DOUBLE? That’s it, Marge’s a Democrat now. Megyn Kelly has always known which side of her bread is buttered on. Frank Bisignano will now run the IRS and Social Security. Anyone can drive two busses at once if they don’t care about steering.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin have resurfaced with yet more anti-chaotic rhetoric on today’s KITM. A million Trump obituaries have been written, but like the Rapture, no one ever seems to get the date right. Donald is failing and unpopular, almost more than he ever was. He’s even on the low end for a despot. Trump’s support is waning, now amongst the podcasters without cool titles like Kagro in the Morning and Connor Eats Pants. Perhaps this unpopularity will add to the unpopularity of the government shutdown, and if not make Democrats more popular, at least their policies might become more accepted. Donald K. Trump may seem nonintelligent but he’s more anti-intelligence. Trump has been cutting down on intelligence as much as possible lately. Jane Goodall would have given up on him long ago. In fact, she did.  A federal judge has the Oregon National Guard to quell the (no) insurrection in Portland. Also, the California National Guard… and the Texas… How about the 82nd Airborne? Yay Gavin! Now it’s over to JB. Thanks to Pritzker, Kristi and Corey can’t even find a Chicago bathroom stall to hook up in. The Founding Fathers wouldn’t have guessed that a president would declare war on everybody. Trump wondered who would rid him of this meddlesome South Carolina judge, and now the police are looking into that. Jeffrey Epstein! If Ghislaine Maxwell didn’t remind you today, Howard Lutnick would have. Soon to be former New York mayor, former New York mayoral candidate Eric Adams is checking out Albania, cashing taxpayer checks, collecting Albanian ones.

With the atoning done, it’s time to set about stockpiling sins for next year. So, it’s time to get mad all over again! As usual, the Trump “administration” makes it easy. But first, from outside of his jurisdiction comes the Yom Kippur news we all feared: a synagogue attacked in Manchester. Top of the charts here at home: emerging details of the horrific and entirely un-American ICE raid in Chicago in the wee hours on Tuesday. This one might even bother the normies. Speaking of ICE raids, Apple bows to pressure and removes “ICEBlock” from its App Store. Hey, who remembers when there was $44 billion worth of right-wing outrage over alleged government pressure on Twitter? Wrong Jewish holiday reference, but… Why is this shutdown different from all other shutdowns? And in what ways is this shutdown no different from any others? The culture war on the education front is heating up once again, with Trump issuing a new ransom note to America’s universities. If you’re wondering what happens when a college administration actually follows such “advice,” the answer is: it sucks. Which may be why Gavin Newsom is angling for ways to defeat the plan. I knew we weren’t done learning how dumb-looking and embarrassing Trump’s UK trip was! The Semiquincentennial is gonna be so lit!

David Waldman is out introspecting today, as his Days of Awe end and our days of awful begin. A hidden conservative network bankrolls right-wing news. A dark money group is secretly funding Democratic influencers. Clearly, Mr. Waldman needs to get out more and make some more friends. Whether you were “politically correct”, “woke”, or “pinko”, the Right has always wanted you to shut up. Government has ended; Donald K. Trump burns the crops and salts the earth. Federal workers know who to blame but are told to blame the others. Lisa Cook remains at the Federal Reserve Board as her office window is just too low to throw her out of. E.J. Antoni however, can’t run the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics, now that people found out what an asshole he is, and since “statistics” have been added to the Trump enemies list.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin begin our month talking about the end of the USA. After 6 months of tumbling down the mountainside, our government lays in a heap at the bottom of the cliff. Who the hell was at the wheel? Gops deserve most of the blame, as this has been their destination for a generation, they’re taking selfies around the debris, and are already killing any survivors they can get their hands on. Democrats have also found their rock bottom and decided to hold on to it to see how long the Gops can take it. The second front on Donald K. Trump’s war on America is his literal war on America. Yesterday, Pete Kegsbreath said that he will transform our military forces into the best frat in history: no lardos, unlimited hazing, and girls, girls, girls! Military leaders in attendance quietly smacked their gobs at the new directives, then Generalissimo Trump assured them that their troops will soon be using hippies for target practice.  Google searches are having memory lapses, trouble forming sentences and completing thoughts when asked about Trump and dementia. Donald gave an “Article-5-like” security guarantee to Qatar promising to send a lot of the n-word into the Middle East if they are ever in trouble. Yes, Trump’s jumbo jet refurbishment is coming along nicely, why do you ask? You know what you aren’t asking about? A few things, but also JEFFREY EPSTEIN. Once Arizona Democrat Adelita Grijalva is sworn in, some of those things can be looked into. Grijalva deserves to be at work, but federal judges have determined that Sigal Chattah and Alina Habba should be unemployed. Speaking of employment, now is the time to send some Darwin Darko’s way! Contact him or us with leads!

David Waldman has been warning us ever since our previous government shutdown about our upcoming government shutdown, which is set to be even worse than our present government shutdown! Our own Darwin Darko, aka BA-International Relations, aka MA-Public Administration is UNDEREMPLOYED. Get the word out, contact him or us for more details! Pete Hegseth wants YOU! He wants the US military to look like a World War II poster… no… no… no… the BAD guys this time. A “force for good” is too woke, time to be “a FORCE”! And more medals! And no fatties! And no snitches! But a lot more to snitch about! It’ll be the world’s greatest fraternity!  Kash Patel handed out 3D-printed guns as party favors in New Zealand. YouTube gives Donald their lunch money, will still end up in a locker. Trump wants US drugs as low as other countries, will accept other countries’ drugs as high as the US. It’s all the same to him. President Donald K. (Karen) Trump wants to speak to the manager at Microsoft this time. Prosecuting enemies is taking too long, when napalm gets the job done fine. After all, you don’t hear any of those Venezuelan fishermen complaining, do you? Russia uses 'shadow fleet' tankers to launch drones towards European cities. Hundreds of Deep State agents caused January 6. Which story do you think Trump will believe? 

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin bring us another KITM from under another cloud of another mass shooting or two or three or four. The shooters look pretty Trumpy, therefore the national focus will be more on the venue, at least until we get a better look at what’s been Sharpied on the bullets. Meanwhile, the Keystone ICE yakety saxes their brand of terror through major cities… though suddenly not Portland, Oregon as Trump either TACOs or snaps out of his dementia, temporarily. National Guard troops will now be redeployed to South Park, Colorado. The disappointingly non-fictional Donald K. Trump promoted a completely fake Trump hawkering a phony product.  Whether Trump believes anything he says or not, you are expected to believe it or else. The QAnon Shaman says he’s the rightful president. At this point, he could be. James Comey's indictment is real, but the case against him is imaginary. Everybody will lose if the government shuts down. Trump will pretend to win or blame it on trans people. As long as Mike Johnson pretends that Adelita Grijalva hasn’t been elected, MAGA can pretend that Trump isn’t in the Epstein files. Over at Epstein Alley, aka the “Rose Garden”, they’re living the dream. Moldova! Like their language, now and forever! Eric Adams is not so forever but won’t soon be forgotten.

David Waldman shoves us through the gateway to chaos, then runs over to Monday with a giant catcher’s mitt. On the Day of Rapture, Donald K. Trump found that couldn’t even go up on an escalator. He cried like a dog about that at the UN along with everything else outside of when he wasn’t braggadocio do-do-ing. People have determined that he is nuts, including, bit by bit, the mainstream media and even a few Republicans. Ok, so Trump’s crazy, now what? Who and whose army is going to stop him? Pete Hic-seth has invited hundreds of senior military officers to party down in Virginia with him, open bar all night! Let’s see whose strategy can handle him. Europe has already entered World War III. Strange offspring of Halliburton and the Culligan Man, Lindsey Halligan, checked one more off Trump’s enemy list. (The list that ends with you.) Today it’s James Comey turn with a grand jury indictment, show trial, hundreds of hours of Fox coverage, etc. The verdict is irrelevant. Pam Bondi is transferring the people Joe Biden would not kill to places where they will wish they died. Trump’s radical transparency extends to the personal information of Democratic contenders, then becomes opaquer… Never mind that FBI agent they are investigating for investigating Alex Jones… Attention incels! Check out Alex Jones’ one weird trick to score hot females! Billions in taxpayer dollars have become virtually untraceable. You don’t want to know where they’re going anyhow. Donations to Krisi Noem will move you right to the head of the FEMA line. Government is never slow when it comes to jokes about them.

David Waldman is back at it, but without Greg Dworkin who is out working on home renovations. Donald K. Trump wants Russia to give Ukraine back some of its cards so they can play another round. If that doesn’t work, he will just call Ukraine “Uzbekistan” and sell them 22,787 Dreamliners. It's not just that Trump is nuts, he’s stupid, and dangerous. At least the cornfield kid wasn’t such a whiner! The UN escalator worked just fine for Nobel Prize winner President Obama. Trump’s UN address was a tragedy of Shakespearian proportions, performed by an actual fool. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark... Whether tis Putin or not Putin, that is the question. Oh look, there’s some Russian warplanes over Alaska… probably nothing. Trump’s youth support has faded. At least with those who didn’t vote for the Lulz. The problem with being an edgelord is eventually the edge. Trump will always redefine the edge as the middle to solve that problem.  Meanwhile, we head toward another government shutdown. Gops see this as a chance to shut down government, which is the only reason they even get up in the morning. They’ll eventually hire them back again, so they can have the satisfaction of firing them again. Ken Chesebro is so dishonest and inept of a lawyer that he’s been disbarred/suspended in several states, now including Washington DC. Trump will never make the mistake of hiring someone like him ever again. From now on, all of Donald’s dishonest and inept lawyers will be babes. Trump Bible and Turning Point USA sales representative Ryan Walters will be watching porn on his own time from now on.

See? It wasn’t the end of the world! David Waldman, and Greg Dworkin are back on the air! So is Jimmy Kimmel! That is all thanks to “We the People”, and not just those of us who were binging as fast as possible to maybe get around to cancelling Disney+… and we would have too! But also, those standing up to ABC from everywhere to demand accountability, including people that they actually knew and cared about. Donald K. Trump will not be tuning in. (He totally watched every minute.) Many stations still won’t air the show. Did you know that “stations” still... “air” ... “shows”? Everyone agrees that Trump seems to have experienced a massive “masterstroke” at the UN yesterday, perhaps a series of them. Donald will be autopenning his posts for a while. We also welcome back Jeffery Epstein, who became impossible to suspend, either by executive or royal decree. Arizona’s special election could give Dems enough votes to make Mike Johnson’s job holding fig leaves in place a lot tougher. Let’s see Trump Article 2 himself out of this one! Ryan Walters, Trump Bible salesman-superintendent, wants Turning Point in every Oklahoma high school and Charlie Kirk statues in every state university in the US. Sounds like a design job for some Etsy Witches.

David Waldman wishes us all a sweet future, unless your plans revolve around the future “ending”... then, well, good for you too. Donald K. Trump has not been trumpeted into heaven as of this writing, but he does know Hell. Trump informed UN members that they will be going there soon. ICE is deporting any laws controlling them straight to Hell. A federal judge saw Trump’s NYT defamation lawsuit as 85 pages of Hell. But Donald says that couldn’t be when it’s all about an angel. Trump hates anyone who does not love him. Stephen Miller hates everyone. Everyone hates Stephen Miller. Trump does not love Russians invading Estonian airspace, but what can you do? Kristi Noem and Corey Lewandowski are becoming disgruntled by their own incompetence, while disgruntled DOGE Leland Dudek “pretended” to be incompetent in order to bust Big Balls and friends. The Bureau of Labor Statistics may seem suddenly incompetent but can’t avoid becoming disgruntled with a boss like E.J. Antoni. Texas Gop Brian Harrison isn’t at all competent but is making a career out of being disgruntled. Debt creditors are hunting down Karoline Leavitt.  She’ll need to ask Scott Bessent for one of his sweet Argentina loans.

David Waldman and Greg Dworkin are out tomorrow for a little R&R… Rosh Hashanah and Rapture. Depending on how that goes, they’ll be back on Wednesday! “Autism” was coined in 1911. Acetaminophen was marketed 40 years later. Tylenol hit the market in 1955, one year after RFK Jr. was born... COINCIDENCE? Yes. Just another of the many coincidences that you can point to, that did not cause your child’s autism. Not coincidentally, RFK Jr. stock is dropping about as fast as Tylenol’s. Jimmy Kimmel is saved by a TACO. Charlie Kirk, meanwhile, is still dead. Not officially a saint, but definitely a martyr for whatever cause a MAGA could imagine. Charlie was a man of steel, just one tiny bit less bullet resistant than Trump but with a heart of gold that Donald will gladly sell to the highest bidder. Trad wife no more, Nepo/DEI hire Erika Kirk discovers that Tyler Robinson was not black, a Dem, a woman or even antifa, so of course she forgives him. Nürnberg vibes filled the air as DJ Stephen Miller spun the hits of yesteryear. Shhh…  Donald K. Trump wants the government to destroy his opposition. Well, that’s no secret. Trump has wanted that for years. What are you going to do about it, impeach him? ICE breaks present laws and will break any new ones that you throw at them too. Attorneys that don’t break laws fast enough get canned in this administration. Don’t you just hate Indians and Koreans? No? Maybe you aren’t a tech bro. Tech bros hate Indians and Koreans. If there’s a particular nationality that you do hate, there’s probably a spot for you in this administration. Republicans are beginning to get sick of winning. There’s no denying the Trump administration’s obsessive attention to detail, at least when it comes to Hollywood-level casting of their cabinet members. Dirty cop Tom Homan should think before ordering the veal or accepting sacks of cash from FBI agents. Good thing he has friends higher up. The US vaporized some more boaters in the Caribbean that they suspect of things. Suspects remain suspects after they are vaporized.  Trump suggests that people should hold off on “water fishing” for the time being… maybe take up “fly fishing?”