Phoning It In

Dan kicks things off with the details of a weekend trip to a snooker club in Peterborough. Alongside navigating drugged-up staff members, the publican is forced to do the unthinkable: step foot inside a Wetherspoons.On the other end of the line, Luke provides an update on his investigation into exposing an ex-coworker's side hustle on a rogue Polish adult website. He's also fresh from a trip to the darts, bringing back tales of extortionate ‘two-pinters’; a monstrous drinking vessel that baffles Dan.Plus, the lads tackle the official ONS 1996 name rankings, the tragic death of an EastEnders legend, and why Luke finds The Cat in the Hat repulsive.

This week, Dan treated his mum to a night out at the Corby Cube to watch Jimmy Tarbuck die on stage. Which, given the man’s age, is a genuine possibility most evenings.Meanwhile, Luke has been hosting his dad and embarking on a minor, highly localised crime spree to steal pebbles from the village green.Plus, the boys dive into the mechanics of drag queen names, the art of making terrible banana bread on purpose, and the identity of the ugliest man alive.

After Luke, a former Head of Podcasts, literally forgot to hit record on last week's catch-up, the lads are forced to dial in and try again.Over the past week, Dan has embarked on a new weight-loss journey. Unfortunately, this health kick primarily involves him getting completely naked in the communal swimming baths and eating bread pudding at midnight.Meanwhile, Luke is convinced he’s stumbled across a former colleague on a highly questionable Polish adult site.Plus, the boys discuss transvestites, ‘Slag-atha Christie’, fingerless gloves, and whether Dan could pull off having his ears pierced.

In the inaugural episode of the new format, Luke and Dan immediately set a low bar for what constitutes a podcast.Luke recounts his failed attempt to starve himself into a tailor-made Vietnamese suit for the Grand National. Naturally, this health kick devolves into grand-scale ice cream larceny, a £250 panic-bet, and shameful train kebabs.Meanwhile, Dan shares the highlight of his adrenaline-fuelled week: watching Saturday Kitchen. Plus, the boys tackle the logistics of spaffing jelly beans, Hilary Devey’s abysmal taste in music, and why Kenneth Williams forced his dinner guests to defecate into Tupperware.

Luke and Dan return with their most baffling creative choice yet: a running commentary of a Celebrity MasterChef Christmas special from three years ago.They offer zero context, hurl abuse at Gregg Wallace, and skip so many scenes that an hour-long TV episode miraculously fits into a 39-minute podcast.The result? The sonic personification of a brain aneurysm.