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Your hosts Ian & RJ review and rank every Christmas, Hanukkah, winter, holiday, et cetera song.
All of 'em. Even the bad ones. Especially the bad ones.
All of 'em. Even the bad ones. Especially the bad ones.
410 Episodes
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Inspired by the approaching time change, we spring forward into two songs about winter sunlight and, specifically, Seasonal Affective Disorder. We expect a spooky twist from Lemon Demon's "SAD", but it mostly does what's written on the tin. There's also a literal story of SAD in Sunturns' "First Winter", but with layers of meaning and metaphor that give it the vibrancy of a sunrise. The ranking music in this episode is "Aurora Borealis" by Lemon Demon. Fun fact: we recorded this exactly one day before British Columbia announced that it's adopting permanent Daylight Savings Time, so we got to this theme just in time!!!
ERROR: WE RECORDED AFTER 8PM CAUTION: Only listen to year-round holiday podcasts from people you trust. Ian and Jam listened to two versions of a song called "S.A.N.T.A. Dot Com". Do you wish to proceed? DETAILS: The ranking music in this episode is "I'm Gonna E-Mail Santa" by Billy Gilman.
It's almost Family Day here in British Columbia, and to celebrate, we've got a tenuously connected episode theme! By request, we listen to "Christmas Must Be Tonight" as performed by SCALA and Kolacny Brothers, a song about the son of a carpenter. Then we pair it with "Let's Make a Baby King" by Wynnona Judd, a song about that same guy and also his mom and also his cousin, and also maybe the concept of an infant-based form of government. The ranking music in this episode is "Nothing But a Child" by Steve Earle. Thank you to Liam for requesting this version of "Christmas Must Be Tonight"!
Of course we wouldn't let January pass us by without celebrating our second-most-cursed annual tradition, Grinch Rap Granuary! But, unfortunately, this is the last one. For real this time. We're scraping the bottom of the Grinch Rap barrel with "Like The Grinch" by Gucci Mane, so hopefully "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch" by Pentatonix will be the stake in the heart that this thing requires. RIP Grinch Rap Granuary! The ranking music in this episode is "Grinch 2000" by Busta Rhymes featuring Jim Carrey.
As the twelve days of Christmas come to a close once again, we're celebrating Epiphany with two songs about three men. By listener request, we check out "We Three Slow Kings" by Electric Santa, a song that may or may not be a joke, and "If I Were a Wise Man" by Flannel Graph, an undoubtedly sincere song with a familiar Sufjan-esque flavor. The ranking music in this episode is "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Bedingfield, which is the song Ian couldn't remember the name of. Thank you to Matt for these requests!
In this milestone episode, Jam and Ian add the 799th (???) and 800th (!!!) songs to HARK's massive, unruly list. Jam aims for the top of the list with a near-classic and the hosts talk about Jesus for a while, with just a liiiittle heresy (as a treat). Then Ian uses his bottom pick to launch an exploratory mission into a new kind of bad song and raise some philosophical questions about the future of novelty Christmas music in an age of machine-generated vocals. The ranking music in this episode is "Jesus Christ" by Big Star.
Hanukkah is fast approaching! And to celebrate, we have two songs... well, OK. We have one song about Hanukkah, and one song about Not Christmas. "Chanukah in West Virginia" by Scott Simons wraps a somewhat sad sentiment in a cheerful package (for better or worse), while "Chinese Food on Christmas" by Brandon Walker is a thoroughly silly celebration of not celebrating. The ranking music in this episode is "No War on Xmas", also by Scott Simons!
You may be wondering why this episode is going up on a Thursday instead of a Wednesday. Well, first of all, it's technically still Wednesday in our time zone, and this episode is all about going local! And second... we are adjacent to the ball. In this episode, we're encouraging you to shop local, support Wikipedia, and listen along with us to two holiday-sweater-themed songs: "Ugly Xmas Sweater Party" by girlhouse and "I Wanna Take You Out In Your Holiday Sweater" by PAS/CAL. The ranking music in this episode is "Christmas Unicorn" by Sufjan Stevens.
It's Jam's birthday! To find out the first song they selected, go to Paragraph 2 (P2). To skip ahead to the ranking music, go to P5. P2: It was "Yule Shoot Your Eye Out" by Fall Out Boy! For their second selection, they give Ian two options -- past or future. If you think he should choose "future", go to P3. If you prefer "past", go to P4. P3: Ian chose the same thing! And the song was, unfortunately, "Feels Like Christmas" by Panic! At the Disco. All that's left is learning the ranking music -- go to P5! P4: Oh no! Ian didn't choose this option. Also, you slipped on an icy patch and fell down a well. Oops!!! P5: The ranking music in this episode is "Yule Shoot Your Eye Out" as performed by Skatune Network. Yay, you did it!
It's that time again! Gut that pumpkin and fill it with eggnog, because we're listening to EVEN MORE Christmas/Halloween crossover songs. Not only have we not run out of these, we've still got a few that are, you know, not terrible! We start with "Spooky Halloween Chrismtas" by Giftshop and have to re-learn what psychobilly is, then get into a more familiar groove with "Halloween on Christmas" by The Walking Who. Plus: a last-minute Halloween costume idea for couples, and also a third person, preferably a sibling or in-law! The intro sting in this episode is the theme song of "Are You Afraid of the Dark?" composed by Jeff Zahn & Jeff Fischer and the ranking music is "Psycho Killer" by Talking Heads.
After a short delay, we're back! And just in time, too. Because it's... the time of year... well, you get it. We are, after ten years of doing this dang show, finally covering "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by Andy Williams! And if you prefer the noodley 00s-era indie kinda bullshit we love to cover over the mid-century classics, you'll love "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" by the Polyphonic Spree! The ranking music in this episode is "When the River Meets the Sea" as performed by John Denver and Robin the Frog.
We may never run out of holiday music, but sometimes we do run low on holidays that are funny to talk about. So in this episode, we're celebrating (by a loose definition of celebration) two holidays (by a loose definition of holiday) that fall on October 3rd, Mean Girls Day and National Boyfriend Day. First up, unpacking "Rocking Around the Pole" performed by the cast of the Mean Girls musical (Erika Henningsen, Taylor Louderman, Ashley Park and Kate Rockwell), also maybe called The Hot Elves?? Then we must confront the accidental other secret episode theme we've created by pairing it with "Santa's My Boyfriend" performed by Amy Poehler, Kristin Wiig and Maya Rudolph. The ranking music in this episode is "Big Boys" by SZA featuring Keke Palmer, Cecily Strong, Ego Nwodim, and Punkie Johnson.
Nah, just kidding, we're not starting another annual month-long theme. Can you imagine? I mean, sure, yes, we can imagine. But we've apparently run out of ska-punk Hanukkah songs already. Until someone proves us wrong on that (email requests to harkpodcast at gmail!!), we're making do with some ska/punk winter holiday songs that felt appropriate for the approaching Rosh Hashanah. We start off with a listener request for a song of pan-holiday celebration, "Whatever U Celebrate" by Reel Big Fish. Paired with that is a singular tune that somehow both barely qualifies for the list and also fits perfectly: "Hava Nagila (Christmas Arrangment)" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes. The ranking music in this episode is "Sell Out" by Reel Big Fish. Thank you to Jo for requesting "Whatever U Celebrate"!
Buckle up everyone, it's the final AGROBAR episode of 2025, and the guy that they put at the wheel for this one most definitely does not have a license. That's right, we're doing two Jesus-adjacent versions of GGROBAR! "Grandma Got Won Over by a Stranger" by ApologetiX might give you whiplash with its mix of goofy parody-of-a-parody sound and its needlessly dark subject matter. And listen all y'all, it's not sabotage, and it's not even that bad: it's just "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" as performed by Family Force 5. The ranking music in this episode, and all August Got Run Over By a Reindeer (AGROBAR) episodes, is "Everything Sucks" by Reel Big Fish.
Unforunately, our annual tradition is back! We once again listened to two "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer"-related songs, this time exploring Dr. Elmo's own sequels, "Grandma's Spending Christmas With the Superstars" and "Grandpa's Going to Sue the Pants Off of Santa". We notice some issues, and pitch a ton of punch-ups. You're welcome! I feel compelled to include a content note that we talk about (an actual, historical) suicide during the discussion of the first song, from ~17:00-21:40. The ranking music in this episode, and all August Got Run Over By a Reindeer (AGROBAR) episodes, is "Everything Sucks" by Reel Big Fish.
It's Ian's birthday, and he is over it! He has passed along his birthday-boy-song-picking duties to our backlog of listener requests. At least we got to listen to an "all time weirdo" track in "Happy Holiday/It's the Holiday Season" performed by Andy Williams, as well as identifying one of our pop culture blindspots in "Wintering" by The 1975. The ranking music in this episode is "December, forever" by Big Society. Thank you to Dave for these requests!
Before we can fully embrace the season, Ian and Jam need to turn in some overdue assignments. We finally listened to a few long-languishing requests, and this episode is our essay comparing and contrasting them! "Our Last Christmas" by Thor and "I'm Spending Christmas Alone" by Future Wife both seem like melancholy ruminations on paper, but there's more to interpret than at first glance. Grab your No. 2 pencils and stare wistfully out of a classroom window with us! The ranking music in this episode was "Santa Says Relax" by Joe Innis and the Cavalcade. Thank you to CJ and Charles for these requests, respectively!
It's Jam from the present here. I've now gotten the tooth removed, so I'mma keep this short. The songs we listened to for this tooth-themed episode were "All I Want For Christmas is My Upper Plate" by Homer and Jethro and "Santa's False Teeth" by Saint Etienne. Also, it turns out teeth AREN'T bones, but they ARE skeleton. You learn something new every day. The ranking music is "My Shiny Teeth and Me" by Chip Skylark.
Flowers are blooming, birds are chirping, and basketballers are basketballing. Listen, Ian knows what NBA event aligns with the release of this episode, but he's in the other room and I'm on my own here. I'm gonna say the finals? Anyway, we celebrate with two bouncy Christmas tunes: "Christmas Slam Dunk" by Hot Dad and "Baby Wants a Basketball for Christmas" by The Living Sisters. Enjoy the part where we remember a totally different theme we fully planned out for this episode, and enjoy the other-other part where we excavate a specific episode of Doug from the depths of your subconscious, perhaps! The ranking music in this episode is "Basketball" by Weezer, which is off of their Winter EP but unfortunately is not winter-y enough to qualify for this exercise.
What makes someone goth? Is it wearing lots of black eyeliner? Or is it spending a lot of time thinking about what a good ghost you'd be? Hopefully it's both, because we're recognizing World Goth Day by listening to two versions of eyeliner-loving Finnish band Hanoi Rocks's "Dead By X-Mas". First we tackle the 1980s original, and then hear the '00s update by Sohodolls. A content note: self-harm and abuse are talked about in this episode. It would be difficult to discuss this song without doing so! The ranking music in this episode is "Things Fall Apart" by Cristina. Thank you to CJ for requesting the Sohodolls cover of "Dead By X-Mas"!
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