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Oh shit, oh my, your brain cells might die! Listen to the only AUSTI award winning podcast, where you can join us in exploring the mysterious mind of our special guest, Austin, a true modern day Ben Franklin meets Taylor Swift, game show host, trailblazing chef, inventor of the 1800s horse, one-time gas pumper, atheist highway hater, defiler of the english language, aspiring future dictator of Utopiburgitron, and semi-professional hot taker. Nice Guy.
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OMG!!! Austin had too much margharitaaaaaaa!! Or was it lemonade?? ;);) Listen to this show and maybe you’ll know!!! Hahahaha this eppie is like sooo fun. The funnest. There’s this whole big sock thingy and weird fleshy fruits (peaches are like totally the avocados of fruit and that makes peach bread avocado toast). Oh also you can definitely skip leg day and do some pull-up thingies and your chest will look totes fabs k bye!!! #SWTWT
Remember Season 1 Episode 1 when Austin didn’t know how microwaves worked? Remember how we talked about that for a solid 40 minutes because we thought THAT was the worst thing Austin didn’t understand? Well, he still hasn’t evolved in any way. So here to solve his problems are: a giant metal hot rod, bigger microwaves, and government microwave attendants funded by taxpayer dollars. Also, we should violate the Geneva Convention to kill bees except bumblebees (but only if they rebrand themselves).
Top of the mornin’! G’day lads and lassies from the land down over which is what we call Ireland because we’re somewhere over the rainbow if you catch my drift. We’ve got a wee bit of potty humor in our wee little show for you tonight (there’s a wee laddie in my ear who doesn’t know what time of day it’s supposed to be). And much like the Nintendo Wii, we are never ever getting back together. We understand each other, oui oui? That’s it. We did it. Wheeeeeeeeee!
Are you sick and tired of “normal” podcasts that make you laugh with their “jokes”? Does getting praised by a complete stranger inflate your eggy? Do you ever wonder what do boats do? If you answered yes or no to any of these questions, then this episode is the thing for you! Hear Austin rant about bands, tubas, and dance teams. Marvel at the peckies of a shirtless Batman. And learn about the musical that started it all for Ms. Parton, Hello Dolly.
Sing us a song, you’re the four-inch tall child-man… we’re trying to honor Billy Joel here. Although, he would probably be rolling around in his grave if he heard our new game, Songs From a Caesarian Restaurant. Surprisingly, that’s not the most horrific thing that happened this episode as the title might imply (but it’s a dude cat so it’s apparently okay). Perhaps equally horrifying are Austin’s tales of eating a sopping wet bagel and a burger with a spoon and no brad handles. Oh, and the Napoleon joke. But “while all is warm at Yosemite,” remember to check your cat with a UV light.
*speaking Britishly so here’s subtitles* In honour of our noble and first President (King) Benjamin Franklin, let us present the Hout Takes President's Day special! Producer’s note: I have no idea why Austin is writing “Britishly” for an American holiday special but let’s just go with it. We have gathered a merry collection of jests, a complaint or two regarding the water engine, and a tale of a bull and his fondness for a certain powder. Pray excuse us, kind sirs and madams, for any errors in our discourse of the Queen - Austin's wits are a wonder to behold, not a divining orb.
Austin: So here’s a story from A to Liz-Z. You wanna be more than just a model, you gotta marry. *record scratch* Producer: And we’re gonna stop right there… The most controversial part of this episode was SUPPOSED to be the Victoria Beckham pit of cluelessness Austin dug for himself, but this was recorded in February 2022. So when Austin said “what he wants, what he really really wants” was to do a hate episode on the British monarchy when the queen died, he did not intend to predict her actual demise. So please, British Royal Air Force, do not come after us, Cinnamon, Paprika, or Ginger.
The cool kids these days are bopping about with hip new tidbits and whatchamacallits, so consider this your guide to what’s lit and what’s not it. Sleep kilts are totally in these days, but sleeping with more than zero decorative pillows is not dude! Swimming is lame bro, but pro-anti-swimmers are absolutely on fleek. No one gives two sheets about top or bottom sheets, but if you take a sheet that’s $14, that’s an epic gamer move. Also, making beds is for weenies.
Sah dude! (I told Austin it was “suh” but he wouldn’t listen… now he’s coming to the realization that “suh” actually does sound like “sup” as in “what’s up” or just “whassup”… no he takes that back because he can’t be wrong and “sah” is actually the “wha” sound in “whassup” so it makes sense… anyway that’s just an aside from your lovely producer) That’s also the end of this episode description. No, wait. Austin takes that back. He says I need to tell you about his really awesome flannel shirt that looks like an 80s arcade threw up on it... as if you can’t read the title of this episode.
This episode is about hair, babies, and water. And also pirates? And jag-wires? And long brunettes who can sing? Yeah, that sounds about right. Plus, Jeremy’s back (from the dead), Annie’s added blueberries to her list of fruits that she irrationally hates, and Justin derailed the episode by talking about SNL for thirty minutes (we cut that, you’re welcome… but we can blame that one on William Pirate Baird O'Connell Whispers)
In lieu of an actual description, here’s a useful list of life tips: Don’t name your child Hugo. If you want to make something groovy, use jazz hands. Get a job if you watch the weather channel. If you’re a weatherman, just become a horse race announcer for the three meaningful horse races a year. And most importantly, don’t go to The Cheesecake Factory and order salad. Also featured in this episode: at least 21.7 minutes reviewing the movie about the boy in the desert with his mother.
No time for intro! Hitting you with hot date takes harder than Annie hits her sticks of butter! 1. Brush teeth after raviolis 2. Like a good listener, State Farm is there 3. No phones! Edna Mode 4. Ask questions like the riddler but in reverse I think… 30. Do not eat saktines before bed. Bad Austin! Eat more ice cream! 38. Right armpit stain will it dry? 46. Living like jungle man bad 52. Talk like an 18th century British doctor 63. Compliment and a handshake. What is this 1940s France? 69. You are either an over the top counter clockwise toilet paper roll or you’re a loser.
Life is a highway and if you’re going to ride it, don’t use a bike and get out of Austin’s way. Bikes are illegal, and you deserve to be hit by a spring-loaded boxing glove ejected from the side of a car. On an unrelated note, I (your lovely producer) am contractually obligated to tell you that Austin is not short. Austin is 5’ 6” according to his doctor, and he definitely does not have the “spirit of a giant bodybuilder in the frame of a 4 inch tall man.”
There is a six point ninth dimension beyond that which is known to SWTs. A dimension where radar and sonar actually acronym right. Where dresser drawer Swifties emerge from their house graveyards cuddling broccoli sweater kittens, and spaghetti is a Pokemon type. A world where you can apply so many nodules of deoderant with your four arms with the graceful whipping of a samurai sword. And where Maryland is still stupid and lame. Is gravity real?
Are you sick and tired of “normal” podcasts that make you laugh with their “jokes”? Does getting praised by a complete stranger inflate your eggy? Do you ever wonder what do boats do? If you answered yes or no to any of these questions, then this episode is the thing for you! Hear Austin rant about bands, tubas, and dance teams. Marvel at the peckies of a shirtless Batman. And learn about the musical that started it all for Ms. Parton, Hello Dolly.
G’day mateys we’re coming at you sloopdingers and swampfrazzles live from the dragonball Z version of Australia! Hope you slipped on your slick’ums and undeviated your septums because we’ve got some gas waitresses to woo for Austin. Plus, Jeremy tackles taxes with his latest Jeremæform, and that’s definitely the most exciting way to end this description.
Go outside! Get out of your London 1812 bunker and start singing at half mast because Austin and Alex have finally agreed on something! They have put aside their differences on number words and neck tinglers to cyberbully the short-necked giraffe lover formerly known as Annie (we made her change her name for legal alliterative purposes).
Put on some Wham! (not George Michael) and hop in a monobob (but not with a penguin) because it’s the second annual AHT Valentine’s Day Special! If you need some good custom pickup lines for your “girlfiend,” you’ve come to the wrong place. And if you’re looking to marry Jeremy (because who isn’t), be sure to follow his updated list of desired (and subconsciously required) traits in the ideal mate, including bed pillow quotas and read receipts…
New year, new feuds! Just like George Washington and the Fluffigans coming together on Christmas Day, Michelle has rejoined us to discuss everything but the reason Austin declared war against her. Learn about philophers, icky mouth metal, and how to properly saw through food with a butter knife. And as tradition, the thought manifestation for 2022 will be revealed in horrible fashion.
It’s the holiday season and what better way to celebrate Fang Santa’s arrival than by spending time gluing puzzles together with duct tape with fully lingual and potty trained babies in the warm, flickering glow of a Mario-scented candle that smells like plumbing and mushrooms? And most importantly, be sure to listen to Austin’s Holiday Poem of Wishes plus two brand new Christmas games about the things we hate most: Hallmark movies and overpriced stupid gifts. And of course, it wouldn’t be an Austi Christmas if Baby Jesus didn’t come out of the womb to say there’s a new not offensive Austin carol waiting just for you!
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