Sexvangelicals

This summer, we've answered the most common questions that we receive as relationship and sex therapists. And this week, we answer one of the most common questions: Does body count actually count?   We live in a culture that views your sexuality based on how often you access it. Men who are deemed to have accessed sexuality a lot are viewed as "studs". Women are simultaneously valued and devalued based on how often they have sex. In Evangelical systems, folks who have sex before they get married are sinners.   There are tons of psychological and relational problems that develop from this question, even as many of us are unlearning the myth that our value is tied to how sexual we are or are not. We talk with Natasha Helfer (@natashahelfermft on Instagram), certified sex therapist and one of the premier relationship therapists for post-Mormon folks, about how we can ask better questions. Check out our conversations about: Redefining sex and sexuality Practicing equity in our relationships and sexuality How high control religion establishes negative expectations for relationships How relationships can be a primary space for deconstruction What you can expect from a quality relationship therapist.

This summer, we're reflecting on the ten most common questions we hear from our relationship and sex therapy clients. We often hear folks talk about their sexuality in negative ways, comparing their sexuality, consumption of porn, and masturbation practices to that of addiction.    We self-diagnose as sex addicts, or we diagnose our partners as sex or porn addicts. And in doing so, we eliminate the opportunity for curiosity, to learn about our fantasies, our curiosities, our erotic templates, and our hopes.    In this episode, we talk with Dr. Eric Sprankle (@drsprankle on IG), author of DIY: The Wonderfully Weird History and Science of Masturbation, about what we miss when we rely on the language of "porn addiction". The historical roots of anti-masturbation and moral panics. The value of our relationships with ourselves as sexual people. Media literacy. Effective ways of managing disgust. The distinction between privacy and secrecy. Navigating rejection and other emotions when our partners choose a sexual interaction with themselves over us. Check out this episode and other episodes of Sexvangelicals on our website, www.sexvangelicals.com.  

This summer, we're reflecting on the ten most common questions we hear from our relationship and sex therapy clients. In the last few years, we've increasingly heard couples asking about play parties, sex parties, cuddle parties, and the like. Opportunities to practice touch, sexuality, and play in intentional spaces. We are thrilled to have Ally Iseman, founder of Passport2Pleasure, as our guest. Ally helps couples and communities organize play spaces, establish clear expectations for what happens at play events, and explore their own sexual styles and preferences in the process. Ally talks with us about: Defining the variety of options that people and partnerships have. The value of curiosity. The power of the word no. Aftercare. The implications (if any) of exploring a play party. Check out this episode and other episodes of Sexvangelicals on our website, www.sexvangelicals.com.

This spring, Julia and Jeremiah are answering the ten most common questions that we receive as sex therapists. In this episode, they explore the question, "How do I have my first orgasm?"    If you haven't had an orgasm before and you want to have orgasms, messages about "just taking it off the pedestal" and focusing on other areas of pleasure can be really minimizing and dismissive, even if, in the long run, they are helpful.   J+J are joined by the amazing Erica Smith, sex educator and founder of Purity Culture Dropout. Join Julia, Jeremiah, and Erica for an hour long conversation about: Understanding the anatomy and physiology of genitals The power of the clitoris The importance of going slowly Masturbation Actively exploring your sexual fantasies Learn more about Erica's work at ericasmitheac.com. Registration for her summer 2025 Purity Culture Dropout cohort begins soon.    And learn more about Julia and Jeremiah's relationship coaching business. If you and your relationships have been negatively impacted by Purity Culture, schedule a free 30 minute consultation with them to learn more about how relationship coaching can bring healing and health to your relationship.   

We commonly hear our couples conflating sexuality and pleasure, which comes with the unintended message that the only, or best way that a person can experience pleasure is through their sexuality.   For a lot of folks, that's a ton of pleasure to put on a sexual relationship, and can lead to sexuality feeling like an obligation.   We talk with sex educator Goody Howard (@askgoody) about strategies to separate pleasure from sexuality, with the hopes that the more a person experiences pleasure in their individual lives, the more positively that impacts a sexual relationship. She explores with us: The role of confidence, and how confidence gives us power Encouraging faith based communities to overcome negative messages about pleasure (i.e. the role of the devil) Strategies to engage and focus on all of your senses. The language of gender and sexuality expansiveness And make sure to stay tuned to the end, when Goody describes what has quickly become our favorite article of clothing.  

Jesus or my Boyfriend? A question we all ask ourselves. Or, maybe not. In this episode, Jeremiah, Julia, and I (Nicole) play the guessing game, Jesus or my Boyfriend? Where Jeremiah and Julia tell me lyrics and I have to guess if it is a Christian worship song or a pop song. I grew up in a Romanian Eastern Orthodox Church, so I never had exposure to American worship music. Though some of the same themes still hold (i.e. the idea of being born a sinner, devoting yourself to God fully etc.), we didn’t have catchy ballads. We explored what Christian messaging was in the worship songs, how one word is the only difference between a song about sex and a song about God, and how horny Christians might actually be. I mean, this music makes Jesus seem pretty horny. One of my biggest takeaways from this episode is how exposure to this worship music is actually really dangerous for children because messaging around servitude and devotion (especially for young girls) can be really damaging. Jesus Completes Us (17:00): When discussing In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel, Julia speaks on how the lyrics of this song could be interpreted as a worship song: “In your eyes the light, the heat, I am complete” is the lyric, and Julia says “We are not complete generally without Jesus” in the eyes of the Church. This song was a tough guess, but we all know there is no “heat” allowed in Church spaces, as Nicole mentions after. Musical Manipulation (21:00): After discussing the song “The More I Seek You” by Hillsong, Jeremiah explains a Discovery Channel documentary about Hillsong, which is essentially a factory for producing worship songs, and he says “lots of musical manipulation” (22:18) when talking about the kinds of worship songs Hillsong is pumping out. Jeremiah and Julia highly recommend watching the documentary Hillsong: A Megachurch Exposed. Jeremiah then notes how in the book “This is Your Brain on Music” the author discusses how pop singers use certain cord progressions to evoke specific emotions and how Hillsong is the master of this. Born Sinning (27:30): When talking about Nicole’s guess about if a song is Jesus or My Boyfriend, she explains what gave away the lyrics “I’ve done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins. I’ve come to you because I need guidance to be true” (Criminal by Fiona Apple) to be “my boyfriend” and not a worship song: “Christians would just be like I have sinned. I am not coming to you, I am disgusting I have sinned.” The distinction being made here is that in worship songs it is usually centering the fact that people are inherently sinners, while this song differs from that ideology by seeking help and framing it is a sin that happened not one that was born into people. Defined by Sin (31:00): Julia says “Christianity really likes to define you by your sins.” A big topic when discussing the songs chosen for this episode is the intentional wording choices for the lyrics in these songs. Just the difference between “I have sinned” and “I am a sinner” is a way to tell if a song is using creative choices or a worship song that wants to instill negative Christian ideology in its listeners. If you want some spoilers, here is the complete list of songs we analyzed in this episode: 1. Your Love is Extravagant -- Casting Crowns 2. Hallelujah -- Brenton Brown 3. In Your Eyes -- Peter Gabriel 4. The More I Seek You -- Hillsong 5. Only Hope -- Mandy Moore 6. All My Life -- KCi and Jojo (Jeremiah’s favorite song growing up) 7. Pour My Love on You -- Phillips, Craig, and Dean 8. Criminal -- Fiona Apple (One of my favorite songs ever) 9. In the Secret -- Chris Tomlin 10. Save Tonight -- Eagle Eye Cherry (A contender on Julia’s best songs of all time list) 11. I Surrender -- Hillsong 12. Toto -- Africa (Another contender on Julia’s best songs of all time list) 13. I Want It That Way -- N'Sync (Objectively the best song of all time [that’s just my opinion)

Reverend Beverly Dale, founder of the Incarnation Institute for Sex and Faith and the co-author of Advancing Sexual Health for the Christian Client: Data and Dogma, joins Jeremiah and Julia to talk about the importance of building relationships between theologians and sexual health professionals. Dale describes her journey of exploring her sexuality and identity, and her vision for creating healing for Christian folks through identifying dogmatic processes and reclaiming sexual pleasure.

A follow-up to episode 6, Julia and Jeremiah talk about the time that they blew up their lives...by having an affair. Yikes. On the one hand, Christian culture demonizes infidelity as the worst thing one can do. On the other hand, movies (read: chick flicks) tend to dismiss or glamorize affairs. Even though their story may read like a Nora Ephron screenplay, Julia and Jeremiah address the strange combination of anxiety, isolation, joy, and shame connected with the beginning of their relationship.

Julia is shocked when she attends her religious college, meets a Christian Democrat, and engages in dialogue around race and sexuality for the first time. During her time in the social work department, Julia both lost and regained a sense of faith, despite leaving institutionalized reigion. While her education laid a foundation for sexual growth and development, she was not given tools to reflect on her own sexuality until starting sex therapy at 25. Julia shares her experiences of grief, loss, and healing.

Jeremiah talks with Julia about what it was like to grow up in conservative Christianity and the impact on his views on sex, gender, and sexuality. Spoiler alert: Jeremiah may or may not have led a Bible study at the wise age of 7. Our in-depth conversation includes the role of masculinity in Evangelicalism, the ways that legalism prevents growth and curiosity, and the anxieties that develop around sexuality as a result of these rigid expectations. 

This summer, we're reflecting on the ten most common questions we hear from our relationship and sex therapy clients.    Growing up in a high control religious space means that queer people often have to repress their sexuality, and may not come out until their late 20s, 30s, or later, which has significant impacts on sexuality and relationship development.    We are thrilled to have Dr. Joe Kort, host of the Smart Sex, Smart Love podcast and author of Side Guys, to talk with us about how Evangelical, Mormon, and Pentecostal communities negatively impact the coming out process. Joe talks with us about: The culture of covert trauma The stages of coming out The loss of privilege that accompanies coming out Finding an affirmative therapist Sides, sexual fluidity, and Grindr Check out this episode and other episodes of Sexvangelicals on our website, www.sexvangelicals.com.  

This spring, Julia and Jeremiah are answering ten of the most common questions they hear from clients, exvangelicals, and the larger cultural zeitgeist.   One of the most common questions is "What if I want to have sex with other people?"   In this episode, Julia and Jeremiah are joined by Becs Waite and Jimmy Bridges from the  practice This Space Between to talk about factors, considerations, and first steps for those interested in opening up their relationship.    Join Julia, Jeremiah, Becs, and Jimmy for a rich, thought-provoking conversation about: The numerous options for opening up a relationship. Tolerance for the emotions that come up while opening up a relationship. Dismantling the myths of consensual non-monogamy. Being realistic about resources Parenting and other logistics Check out S9E07: Ask a Sex Therapist: What if I Want to Have Sex with Other People? With Becs Waite and Jimmy Bridges of This Space Between on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.   For more information about This Space Between, visit https://www.thisspacebetween.com

This spring, we are answering ten of the most common questions that we hear as sex therapists.    This week, we're exploring the question, "What do I need to consider when I have sex for the first time?"   We created six different scenarios that a person might have for the first time: A general first time sexual experience, and considering what you disclose (and don't disclose) ahead of time. Oral sex and stimulating another person's clitoris or penis A same-sex sexual experience. Anal sex. A sexual experience that involves vaginal penetration Group sex. And we've invited the amazing Erica Smith to help us process these six scenarios. Erica is the founder of Purity Culture Droput. Learn more about Erica at ericasmitheac.com

This spring, Julia and Jeremiah are answering ten of the most common questions they hear from clients, exvangelicals, and the larger cultural zeitgeist.   One of the most common questions is "What happens if sex hurts?"   In this episode, Julia and Jeremiah are joined by Dr. Camden Morgante (@drcamden on Instagram), author of the new book Recovering from Purity Culture. They reflect on how to address and reduce the physical and emotional pain that a repressive situation or larger culture, such as Purity Culture, might bring to a sexual experience.    Join them for a practical, empathetic conversation about:  Purity Culture and cumulative trauma. The normalization of pain in religious and non-religious settings. How physical therapy can help mitigate the pain of vulvodynia and vaginismus. Divorcing the notion of work from pain Sitting with grief. Tune in to our Substack, Relationship 101 (sexvangelicals.substack.com) over the next few weeks for more info about working with sexual pain.

This spring, Julia and Jeremiah are answering ten of the most common questions they hear from clients, exvangelicals, and the larger cultural zeitgeist.   One of the most common questions is "Does planning sex kill the vibe?"   In this episode, Julia and Jeremiah talk about the distinctions between planned and spontaneous sex. While many of us desire spontaneous sex, the reality is that, for many of us, sex is more planned than we might realize. And that's fantastic!   Join Julia and Jeremiah for a hilarious, thought-provoking, and enriching conversation about:  Vibes Sexual growth and sexual desire beliefs How our perceptions of sexuality change when we talk about it more Ways that we more intentionally plan sex Practicing spontaneity within the structures that we establish around sex  

This spring, we're answering the most common questions that we receive about s*xuality. A lot of questions revolve around our genitals. How are they supposed to look? How are they supposed to function? What happens if they don't function the way that they're "supposed to function"?   In this episode, we challenge three assumptions about our genitals. Your worth as a human being is defined by how your genitals look or function. The thing that lets us know we've had a successful s*xual experience is orgasm. The best way to orgasm is through vaginally penetrative s*x, which typically only leads to male orgasm. These assumptions generate the orgasm gap, the fact that men orgasm way more than women do. We close the episode by talking about 15 ways that a couple might connect that leads to both partners orgasming.  

Deconstruction is the process of re-evaluating the worldview and behavioral expectations of a specific community.    Talking openly about sexual experiences that exist outside of purity culture dictates is one of the fastest ways that a couple from a high control religious context may begin deconstructing.   Season 9 of Sexvangelicals explores ten of the most commonly asked questions that we receive as sex therapists. And it starts with perhaps the most stress-inducing question of all:   Can my relationship survive deconstruction?   In this episode, we talk about: A relational health assessment that explores how you and your partner talk about sexuality. Five themes that point to the health of your sexual relationship, as well as areas that might need some attention. Three strategies for finding a sex therapist.

We are thrilled to re-release part two of our conversation with NPR National Correspondent Sarah McCammon. Sarah is the author of the book The Exvangelicals: Loving, Living, and Leaving the White Evangelical Church.    In the age of a second Trump presidency, it's imperative that we discuss the history of the Evangelical Church and politics, purity culture, gender performance, and healing.   In part two of our re-release we discuss how there are a lot of memoirs, social media comments, and dialogue about leaving the evangelical church. However, as Sarah says, "you can't really understand the leaving without understanding loving and living the evangelical church."  

Last March, we had the opportunity of interviewing NPR national correspondent Sarah McCammon discussing the strategy and implementation of rigid conservative values in her book The Exvangelicals: Loving, Living, and Leaving the White Evangelical Church. We are re-releasing both our conversations with Sarah in honor of the paperback release on February 18th. In this episode, we discuss the relationship between Trump and Evangelicals, the rise of religious NONES, why folks stay in EMPish (Evangelical, Mormon, Pentecostal) spaces, and grief around those who leave. Check out our advertisement for our new relationship coaching business, Let's Heal Together!