Choose To Be with Choose Recovery Services; Betrayal Trauma Healing

You are not going to want to miss todays conversation!! Ok, you really don’t want to miss any of our conversations, but today it a special one as we have joining us the amazing Tony Overbay. We are talking about narcissism today with Tony and how to grasp the bigger picture in healing and recovery. Learning how to build a higher emotional IQ is often left out in most addiction recovery programs and this is a key piece to healing, recovery and just being a more functional human. If you want to learn more about the tools that Tony talks about today such as the 4 pillars, his marriage course, or Facebook support group check hi out HERE His podcasts are The Virtual Couch and Waking Up To Narcissism Ongoing Courses: Road to Recovery - Join Luke and Alana Gordon, Founders of Choose Recovery Services and Program Directors for the Men of Moroni and The Worth Group for a free monthly couples webinar. Navigating the relational aspects on the road to recovery can be complex and confusing. Am I In An Abusive Relationship? - Free, self-paced workshop to help you identify key red flags that might be showing up in your relationship. Choose 180 Male Support Group - Led by Luke Gordon In 180 we help men move through the pains of addiction, relationship healing, managing emotions, and moving past shame. You’ll learn how to better connect with other men, understand your own emotional experience, and build a deep self respect. Did you miss the FREE BODY LOVE class? no worries you can get the recording HERE Upcoming Events: Believing In You- Group Coaching Program - GET YOUR SPOT FOR NEXT ROUND IN JANUARY!! Take your healing to the NEXT LEVEL in Amie's group coaching program where you will gain more awareness that will help you heal in ways you didn't even know you needed. For more information on what this class entails click the link to find out more. Should I Stay or Should I Go - Held on the FIRST THURSDAY of every month. Come join this FREE group coaching with Amie for those who are feeling stuck in making a decision around their marriage. Come and get coached in a safe space to help you shift through not so helpful thoughts that are keeping you stuck **Follow Amie and Alana on social media for daily content and messages of healing and recovery. Do you feel yourself leaning towards divorce? Head over to The Empowered Divorce Podcast with Amie Woolsey to get support.

This topic came up in a group when someone asked us, “What if I have too much empathy – what if my empathy is coming back to bite me on the butt?” Empathy is so complex when we're talking to women in betrayal trauma. And even within this specific container, there are so many nuances: having too much empathy, having too little empathy, how betrayal trauma affects your capacity for empathy with your children. As we hone in on one area for the sake of starting somewhere, we encourage you to discern for yourself how you’re doing in these different areas. Ultimately, we hope to guide you towards embracing empathy in a way that’s healthy for you. Ongoing Courses: Am I In An Abusive Relationship? - Free, self-paced workshop to help you identify key red flags that might be showing up in your relationship. Road To Recovery - Join Luke and Alana Gordon, Founders of Choose Recovery Services and Program Directors for the Men of Moroni and The Worth Group for a free monthly couples webinar. Navigating the relational aspects on the road to recovery can be complex and confusing. Choose 180 Male Support Group - Led by Luke Gordon In 180 we help men move through the pains of addiction, relationship healing, managing emotions, and moving past shame. You’ll learn how to better connect with other men, understand your own emotional experience, and build a deep self respect. Upcoming Events: Should I Stay or Should I Go - Held on the FIRST THURSDAY of every month. Come join this FREE group coaching with Amie for those who are feeling stuck in making a decision around their marriage. Come and get coached in a safe space to help you shift through not so helpful thoughts that are keeping you stuck Believing In You- Group Coaching Program - GET YOUR SPOT FOR NEXT ROUND IN JANUARY!! Take your healing to the NEXT LEVEL in Amie's group coaching program where you will gain more awareness that will help you heal in ways you didn't even know you needed. For more information on what this class entails click the link to find out more. Follow Amie and Alana on social media for daily content and messages of healing and recovery.

Whether you're in a romantic relationship or not, learning to create psychological safety for yourself after trauma is a huge principle of healing. When we talk about betrayal and all the loss that comes with betrayal trauma, we include the loss of your central nervous system to PTSD, the loss of trust, the loss of your self esteem, the loss of emotional regulation, and the loss of safety. Many of us don’t even know that we’re in charge of our own safety, and since we didn’t have it in place before the betrayal happened, our next best option is to put it in place now. How to start creating psychological safety In the recovery world, it’s often asserted that the partner who’s caused the betrayal needs to create safety. And that’s true… to an extent. But the second we rely on an external source to be the answer, we give away our power. The truth is, you don’t have to wait on your partner to take action to feel safe. You already have the power to start creating the safety you need. You’ll Learn: How to choose new thoughts that rewire your brain for psychological safety The importance of a community of support in your healing process Why noticing yourself and your own needs is an essential step toward safety Mentioned in the show:  Facing Heartbreak: Steps to Recovery for Partners of Sex Addicts by Stefanie Carnes, PhD Ongoing Courses: Am I In An Abusive Relationship? - Free, self-paced workshop to help you identify key red flags that might be showing up in your relationship. Road To Recovery - Join Luke and Alana Gordon, Founders of Choose Recovery Services and Program Directors for the Men of Moroni and The Worth Group for a free monthly couples webinar. Navigating the relational aspects on the road to recovery can be complex and confusing. Choose 180 Male Support Group - Led by Luke Gordon In 180 we help men move through the pains of addiction, relationship healing, managing emotions, and moving past shame. You’ll learn how to better connect with other men, understand your own emotional experience, and build a deep self respect. Upcoming Events: Body Love Workshop- Monday October 3rd @ 6:00pm PT Join this FREE upcoming workshop where Amie walks you through some basic steps to lean to love your body again after betrayal. Believing In You- Group Coaching Program - GET YOUR SPOT FOR NEXT ROUND IN JANUARY!! Take your healing to the NEXT LEVEL in Amie's group coaching program where you will gain more awareness that will help you heal in ways you didn't even know you needed. For more information on what this class entails click the link to find out more. Follow Amie and Alana on social media for daily content and messages of healing and recovery.

If you’re new to the work of Tony Overbay, we’re so glad to be the ones to introduce you. Tony is, among many things, a licensed marriage and family therapist and host of The Virtual Couch podcast. Today’s episode is a real treat, because it’s an interview with Luke and Alana on The Virtual Couch for a betrayal trauma podcast. In conversation with Tony, Luke and Alana share vulnerable insights from behind-the-scenes in their marriage – including their history with betrayal trauma and their subsequent healing journey. It was (and is) a long journey to navigate betrayal trauma and embark on a healing journey. Through PTSD, separation, no-contact periods, recommitting to the relationship, and raising five kids, Luke and Alana’s story is full of moments you can relate to no matter where you might be in your recovery journey. You’ll Learn: Why “staggered disclosure” is such a common theme in partner betrayal The difference between disclosures that are healing and disclosures that are harmful The cost of not having a mental health professional in the early days of their healing How to understand trauma triggers with the analogy of the box Ongoing Courses: Am I In An Abusive Relationship? - Free, self-paced workshop to help you identify key red flags that might be showing up in your relationship. Road To Recovery - Join Luke and Alana Gordon, Founders of Choose Recovery Services and Program Directors for the Men of Moroni and The Worth Group for a free monthly couples webinar. Navigating the relational aspects on the road to recovery can be complex and confusing. Choose 180 Male Support Group - Led by Luke Gordon In 180 we help men move through the pains of addiction, relationship healing, managing emotions, and moving past shame. You’ll learn how to better connect with other men, understand your own emotional experience, and build a deep self respect. Upcoming Events: Body Love Workshop- Monday October 3rd @ 6:00pm PT  Join this FREE upcoming workshop where Amie walks you through some basic steps to lean to love your body again after betrayal.  Believing In You- Group Coaching Program - GET YOUR SPOT FOR NEXT ROUND IN JANUARY!! Take your healing to the NEXT LEVEL in Amie's group coaching program where you will gain more awareness that will help you heal in ways you didn't even know you needed. For more information on what this class entails click the link to find out more.  Follow Amie and Alana on social media for daily content and messages of healing and recovery. 

When you experience trauma from betrayal, abuse and/or divorce, the first step is self care- caring for the self- your own wellbeing. Its more of our natural tendency to go the opposite- to take care of, to control, fix and look for al the things outside of us that we think are creating the inside chaos. We often justify, rationalize, and minimize our need for wellbeing, for time, 10 minutes of time to just be silent, still, center, grounded, IN and with the self. When we are in overdrive, we are now not living in the present, we are not in the moment we are not really living. Today Amie shares what self care is NOT. Debunking myths about self care and offering you new ideas to consider.  Some episode Highlights: -Self care is NOT selfish -Self Care is NOT for those who are weak -Self care is NOT a one and done -The term self care can be changed! -Emotional first aid kit and what that looks like for you If you are struggling with step one in your healing journey you are not alone. thats why Amie creates a foundational healing group for these basic healing principles that often get overlooked or ignored. Dive deep into your foundational healing as the next group starts in September. contact chooserecoveryservices@gmail.com for more information.  From the episode: Andy Puddicombe TED Talk Ongoing Courses: Am I In An Abusive Relationship? - Free self paces workshop to help you identify key red flags that might be showing up in your relationship.  Upcoming Events: Body Love Workshop- Join this FREE upcoming workshop where Amie walks you through some basic steps to lean to love your body again after betrayal. to get on the interest list for that click the link! Divorce Retreat October Prepare to Thrive- early marriage course September

In this continuation of our discussion on trauma bonding from last week, we’re bringing a second topic into the mix: over-functioning. Over-functioning in relationships is a pattern where one person tends to take on all the thoughts, feelings, and responsibilities for both people in the relationship. It’s a way of establishing a sense of control – a common result in cases of trauma bonding where the balance of control is disproportionate. A lot of times we miss the signs of over-functioning, particularly within relationships in recovery, because we don’t really see that it’s not healthy. It can be tricky to identify if you’re a natural caregiver. We think that’s how we should be functioning, or we may use it as a way to manage (ie: avoid) our own feelings. So how do you move forward once you recognize patterns of over-functioning in yourself? You’ll Learn: More tangible examples of how trauma bonding could look in your relationship How trauma bonding can lead to over-functioning in relationships, and what over-functioning actually is Ways to identify and understand trauma response patterns and how they affect relationships in recovery How to understand your past choices and consider ways to choose differently as you heal

We’re going to tackle a hard topic for our 100th episode today: trauma bonding. Many women don’t realize they’re either in trauma bonds themselves or they know someone who is. It’s a lot more prevalent than most of us expect. Let’s get some clarity around the term ‘trauma bonding’ and what it means, so we can better understand our relationships and experiences. What is a trauma bond? To quote Jourdan Travers, LCSW, “Trauma bonds are the attachments we have with our abusers. It's when we have fond feelings or miss individuals who have abused us because we've developed a connection to them. One minute things are good, and then the next, they're not.” It's possible to become trauma bonded to a parent or any other person in your life. But our focus is on trauma bonding in romantic relationships. There are so many nuances and complications around this topic. But we want this episode to serve as a starting point for you to get curious about your own experiences, and decide if and how you want to create different experiences moving forward. You’ll Learn: Why trauma bonds happen, why they’re hard to break, and how to start noticing them Tools to help you gain clarity around trauma bonding experiences in your life Techniques for breaking unhealthy patterns and beginning your healing from a trauma bond

So many of us, mostly women, have a really hard time with loving their bodies. The world tends to work against us as well- even if well intended, many messages are offering this idea that our bodies are not ok and they need to be different. Many feel they have the wrong body or something is wrong with their body. We are constantly judging our bodies against others’ and now days, against social media. Today Amie shares 7 tools to help you lean into loving your body again, or perhaps for the first time! ~Getting To The Root ~Tapping Into Intuition- Trusting Your Gut ~Letting It Flow- Emotions ~Personal Empowerment- Ignite the Fire Within ~Expand The Heart- Choosing Love ~Having A Voice- Know Your Truth ~Connection- Access Your Higher Self Connecting with your body is such beautiful work and I invite each of you to lean into this work, intentionally. To help you further your healing in this area, I will be hosting a live workshop for those who really want to dive deeper into this for themselves. Join the interest list by clicking the link below. https://www.chooserecoveryservices.com/body-love-class/ FREE YSA Webinar Registration- August 30th!!

When you have your next out-of-body experience of watching yourself scream at your kids, instead of waiting until they’re asleep to cry or sneak in their bedroom to hug them and kiss them and feel so much guilt… What if you gave yourself permission for mistakes and do-overs as a parent? What if we could make a mess and have the privilege of cleaning up our mess? Sometimes we show up in a way that we wish we could do over. It’s inevitable - we’re not perfect. Particularly as you progress through the stages of healing after infidelity, it can feel like every mistake is the end of the world. But there are ways to have healthy do-overs with your children and even your partner - when you make the conscious decision to learn to show up differently. We’re joined in conversation today by Luke Gordon, whose story of recovery has been so powerful, and who has done the work to show up as a strong parent willing to heal the parent-child relationship. You’ll Learn: How to build your self-awareness to allow for healthier relationships with your kids Ways to show yourself compassion through the regret and remorse of the healing journey What it looks like to clean up your own mess and start showing up differently How to let your partner clean up their own mess instead of taking it on yourself

The Power of Processing and How It Can Help You Move Through Betrayal Trauma How do you know if you’re doing the work it takes to heal? One big aspect of doing the work and healing is learning to process what's happening and allowing yourself to feel all your feelings. But there can be some confusion about what that actually looks like - especially when it comes to processing versus venting. We're going to cover the main differences between the two, and how knowing these differences will keep you out of unhealthy patterns and progressing toward healing from betrayal trauma. You’ll Learn: How to tune into yourself and your needs so you can make space for processing What processing looks like in real life and how to help yourself do it compassionately Why slowing down is actually getting you to a healthier place faster

We know how important it is as a parent to connect with your child in order to establish a healthy attachment, create safety, and encourage them to talk to you when they’re facing unhealthy issues or addictions. So when it’s your partner that’s struggling with sexual addiction, it’s common to blame their parents or be frustrated with their parents, looking for justice or validation for the issues you’re now facing. We’re taking this opportunity to talk about some of the common thoughts our brains offer when we’re feeling threatened, when we’re facing sexual addiction or progressing through the stages of healing after infidelity, and shed some light on new ways to interpret the impact of the relationship between us and our partner’s parents. You’ll Learn: The role of mom and dad in supporting their adult children Why it’s so important to heal those primary attachments in addiction How to work through feelings of betrayal from in laws Ways to see the relationship between your in laws and partner more compassionately When letting go of the need to be validated shows you how to set boundaries with in laws

A question that comes up a lot in our women’s groups dealing with sexual addiction is, “Should I be talking to my kids about this?” And experts are divided on this question. Some sexual addiction counselors say you don’t need to involve the kids or disclose anything about infidelity. Others have the opinion that because it does impact the kids, they’re entitled to know at least some of what’s going on. Which just goes to show - every situation is incredibly nuanced. We're giving you some points to consider about sharing with your kids, but since every situation is different, there’s no universal checklist (we know - it sucks). And because we can’t speak to every possible situation in one conversation, we’re talking in broad, general terms. We highly recommend working with a therapist or coach to navigate your particular situation. You’ll Learn: Ways to share, with clarity, in a way that minimizes harm to your kids Conversation tips whether you’re staying married or pursuing divorce How to go about supporting your kids while letting them navigate their own unique emotional journey Why waiting for the situation to feel more positive delays healing Remember to enter your topic idea for Amie and Alana's 100th episode! What would you love to hear them discuss? Email your suggestion, and if you want on-air credit for your topic being chosen, then please indicate with your submission! Okay - get thinking and send your topic to chooserecoveryservices@gmail.com

In this episode of Choose To Be, we’re walking you through some simple tools and how to respond when you discover your kids are looking at porn. In this day and age, with the sexually saturated culture we have, our kids will be exposed to pornography.  So when that happens, how are we going to respond? What will that look like? We are giving you the tools to handle this situation when it comes up, whether your child comes to you with questions or disclosures or you discover the behavior yourself. Some topics we cover today: Why pornography pulls us in in the first place Why exposure does not equal addiction How to start a conversation with your child What to do if your child refuses to talk to you about it If you are suffering from betrayal trauma and want to know what your next step is, book a free consultation with us to find what is best for you and your needs. Your path to healing awaits. Please leave a review on APPLE PODCAST so we can reach more men and women who are looking for tools to choose recovery and choose healing We referenced Matt Fradd today, you can check out his talk HERE Fight The New Drug Resource 

Amie and Alana address the issue of when your spouse or ex is emotionally hurting your children or disappointing them over and over and over, and the impact that has on your children and on you. A lot of big feelings come up when you see something affecting your children, and this can be a particularly difficult situation.  Addiction makes it really difficult to connect with other humans, including your kids. You want to protect them, and you’re also trying to repair the relationship that could still be causing them pain. When there is this level of conflict in a marriage, all kids are going to be impacted.  They’ve already been impacted.  They feel it.  Rather than trying to protect our kids from this (which probably isn’t even possible), we can offer them the space to feel the feelings that are showing up. Some topics we cover today: How to practice feeling your feelings in your body and what you can learn from them Exercises to help you get clear on the thoughts that are underneath your fear Ways to support your kids through difficult times The thought that created a huge parenting shift for Amie How to create space for your kids to notice and express what they’re experiencing If you are suffering from betrayal trauma and want to know what your next step is, book a free consultation with us to find what is best for you and your needs. Your path to healing awaits. Please leave a review on APPLE PODCAST so we can reach more men and women who are looking for tools to choose recovery and choose healing

Join Amie and Alana in today's conversation around how to navigate relationships with your adult children when they don't see your healing work the way you do. Healing from betrayal trauma can be complex, and this shows up often when it comes to navigating your trauma with your kids. Do you ever find yourself trying to explain to your children why you need healing or why you are trying to have healthy boundaries? Do you ever fall into the trap of trying to get them to see your side of things? When children don't see the changes, boundaries and healthy independence as a positive thing it can almost feel like another betrayal. We of course want our children to be happy for us, support us and totally understand why we are making the changes in our lives! Yet, not all children will.  Some topics we cover today: Misconceptions and taking sides Emotional abuse from children Staying in your own control bubble, but not giving up on your children Attachment and children Becoming aware of age-related developmental issues Getting support Most importantly, you doing your work truly will show them what healthy looks like and it's up to them if and when they choose to be healthy too. Keep choosing healing, recovery and of course, keep choosing YOU! Check out Amie's TEEN and Young Single Adult programs so your child can learn some of the amazing tools you are learning as well, but applied to their own life and situations.  Alana holds an amazing interactive in-person TEEN group- check that out HERE Are you a man who wants to understand better his wife's trauma and wants to learn more empathy? Join Alana's Help Her Heal Group or Choose's Men's 180 Group Need more support? Check out all our amazing resources and team at chooserecoveryservices.com including workshops, webinars, healing retreats, full disclosures, and more!  Please leave a review on APPLE PODCAST so we can reach more men and women who are looking for tools to choose recovery and choose healing

Today Amie interviews a few women who were apart of the Young Single Adult Dating and Self Empowerment Course. The messages these women have for you today is inspiring to say the least. They have been through their own traumas and trials and have learned how to apply tools and concepts to help them heal, move forward in their journey and have a whole new outlook on life. Sound too good to be true? Listen for yourself. They are truly inspiring women.  If you know someone who is between the age of 18-24 share this episode along with the previous episode titled Hope For The Future. The next YSA Dating and Self Empowerment Course will be starting September 11th. You can register for your spot HERE If you are single and over the age of 24 and would like to learn these same tools and concepts Amie FINALLY has her date for the long anticipated Dating After Divorce Course August 26th-28th. No, you don't actually have to be ready to date in order to take this course! To register for that click HERE For more groups and courses available to help you along your journey head over to chooserecoveryservices.com

Divorce or not, how we navigate through our pain and our children's pain can be tricky. Today Amie and Alana continue their conversation with Mckenna as she talks abut her experience with divorced parents. She offers thoughts to teenagers and what she wants them to know. She offers thoughts towards moms and dads and what she feels would be Important for them to know.  Not everyone will choose to think about their parents struggle or divorce is a blessing right now, we acknowledge that many can travel down paths that can seem more destructive and yet, we believe that the power is still within you as a parent. As you do your own work and healing, as you focus on what is in your control and choose to simply love them where they are at, it leaves room for hope.  Everyone ins on their own individual journey and there is no rush but it's always a choice to lean into healing, recovery and choosing YOU.  Revive & Thrive Divorce Retreat October 20-13 Register Here https://choosedivorceretreat-9.youcanbook.me/

One of the biggest fears many have when considering the divorce option, is how will it effect the children. Of course this is a fear, there can be a lot of impacts that this brings to the child's life. Yet we don't want to underestimate the resources that are available to help children navigate this as well as not to underestimate the children themselves.  Everyone has a different experience and different story yet, sometimes it can be helpful to hear from the mouth of one who was impacted. Today we have a special guest who will share her own experience as a child of divorced parents. Hear her story, how she was impacted, and how she has navigated her own healing journey.  We hope that this provides peace in knowing that there is time to heal, that we all have the ability to choose how other peoples choices impact us, and that we get to have do-overs.  Teen and YSA resources are available HERE

Join Alana today as she shares some helpful insight she learned in a recent training around healthy connection. Sometimes we think that when we are not in conflict with out partner then we are connected, everything is "fine". But that's not the case.  Being intentional in connecting with your partner and others takes a lot more than just not arguing or negative emotions. Pain free relationships does not mean healthy relationships.  Find out what this really means and how to create real healthy connection in your relationships today by tuning in to todays episode. **************** Join Therapist Kimberly Day and Amie Woolsey in their upcoming course to help understand the different elements of abuse that may be showing up in your relationships. To have real healthy connection in your current relationship or a future relationship, learning what healthy behavior looks like and doesnt look like will be so helpful.  Register HERE Chooserecoveryservices.com

Join Amie and Alana today as they discuss the different aspect of change. Change in ourselves, change in our partners and why it's so hard when others aren't changing in the way we want.  They also discuss how sometimes there is an expectation of the addict to have a personality change when they find recovery from their addiction. When this doesn't happen it can bring up a lot of emotions, so Amie and Alana tackle why that is. Change always starts with you and it's natural to have a resistance to change. Join our conversation today and we hope that you gain new insights to how this applies to you and your particular circumstance.  Visit Chooserecoveryservices.com for more information on how to get support through your healing journey.  Check out groups and courses that will be starting soon HERE!