True Crimes Against Wine

DEFENDANT: Herman Melville  EVIDENCE: Melville Estate Pinot Noir SCENE OF THE CRIME: Santa Rita Hills, and the Big Blue Sea -- Hey friend — pour yourself a glass and come sit with us. In this episode Judge Topher and Judge Rachel finally introduce themselves (yes, really) and then proceed to hijack a $75 Santa Rita Hills Pinot Noir, talk glassware, sniff cherries, sage, pepper and a little eucalyptus, and declare that yes: this bottle is absolutely worth the fuss.   We wander from tasting notes (garnet color, plums, violets, forest-floor complexity) to winery vibes — estate-grown, sustainable farming, family stories — then slip into full literary chaos as we roast, admire, and gently disembowel Herman Melville. Expect idle mutiny, a ridiculous cross‑examination quiz, surprising Melville facts (Mocha Dick!), and the sacred power of the line "Call me Ishmael."   There’s a lot of laughing, a little spilled wine, a bonus boxed-Pinot for scientific — ahem, comparative — purposes, and lots of off‑topic delights: antique store finds, dog shenanigans (Hermes is a star), and the kind of tangents you only get when two people drink nice wine and refuse to act like sober adults.   By the end we deliver our verdict: not guilty — this Pinot is a winner. Whether you’re here for the wine geekery, the Melville deep dive, or just to feel like you’re in the room with two pals roasting each other and solving the mysteries of the sea, this episode’s for you. Tell us your White Whale (or your favorite Pinot) — we’ll trade you a story and maybe some podcast swag if you’re brave.

DEFENDANT: Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald EVIDENCE: Manos Special Edition Great Gatsby Sauvignon Blanc SCENE OF THE CRIME: Long Island -- Hey friend — come sit with us for a cozy, messy chat where wine and soup fuel a no-holds-barred re-read of The Great Gatsby. We get personal, a little loopy, and deeply into the weeds about Gatsby’s tragic love, Tom’s grossness, Daisy’s contradictions, and whether Nick was totally in love with his neighbor. Spoiler: feelings are messy and rich people are worse. Pop a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, lean back, and let us walk you through art-deco bottles, literary gossip, and cheating scandals — plus a surprisingly earnest defense of hand-painted wine labels. We talk Fitzgerald’s life (and terrible choices), Zelda’s shadow, speculative queer readings, and how the book manages to feel both glamorous and kind of rotten all at once. No fake facts here (well, maybe a few), lots of laughs, and zero pretension — just two pals getting hungry, distracted by soup, and falling down rabbit holes about vintage covers, terrible men, and whether Gatsby’s mansion was modeled on a castle. Bring snacks, or don’t — we’ll probably eat them anyway. You’re invited, old sport.

DEFENDANT: Gilded Age Decadence  EVIDENCE: Biltmore Estate Reserve Chenin Blanc  SCENE OF THE CRIME: The Biltmore Estate, Asheville, NC -- Hey friend — welcome back to True Crimes Against Wine for our first full episode of 2026! We’re sipping a slightly off-dry Chenin Blanc (surprise: from Biltmore in North Carolina), chatting about how it tastes like walking through a crisp apple orchard, debating whether monkeys belong at high-society parties, and diving headfirst into the Gilded Age — Mansions, dollar princesses, scandalous debutante balls, and the Vanderbilts’ iconic Biltmore Estate. We pair tasting notes (pear, honey, kiwi, and a lovely balancing acidity) with wild historical tangents, food pairing dreams (shishitos, spicy sausage, melon & prosciutto), and way too many fantasies about being wealthy eccentrics. If you love wine stories, architectural daydreams, and irreverent history deep dives, join us for laughs, snacks, and one judge-y quiz. Tell us your snack, your Biltmore memories, and whether you’d host a monkey at your next party. Cheers!       

DEFENDANT: Buddy the Elf EVIDENCE: Manos Wines Special Edition "Elf" Prosecco SCENE OF THE CRIME: From the North Pole all the way to Manhattan and back again!  -- Hey — glad you made it to our cozy chaos. This episode is basically two things: a heavy pour of festive Prosecco (shoutout to the blingy Manos bottle) and a full-on, goofy love letter to Elf — plus the ridiculous trivia and fan theories that make holiday movies feel like family. We talk traditions, awkward childhood rituals, terrible gift-control impulses, and why some of our favorite seasonal things still hit like warm nostalgia.   We nerd out about Elf like it’s evidence in a case: Jon Favreau’s direction, Will Ferrell’s enormous golden-retriever energy, Zooey Deschanel’s surprise musical cameo, James Caan’s grumpy-dad groove, and even that weird Central Park ranger theory that adds a darker layer if you let it. There are shower scenes, department store mayhem, real-life crowd reactions caught on film, and a few production easter eggs (Wanda name tags and stop-motion nods) that are delightfully silly.   Also: yes, we taste the Prosecco. It’s festive, metallic, and exactly what you want for toasts — light, apple-y, and not too sweet. We compare it to champagne, Cava, and whatever else you line up on a party table while you argue whether donut holes count as zero calories and whether sparkling wine and popcorn are an acceptable holiday combo. (They are.)   We get real about the season, too. If you’re feeling pressure to show up for people who drain you, hear us: you don’t have to. Treat holiday plans like a dinner party you actually want to attend. Set boundaries, keep what’s meaningful, and let the rest go. If all else fails, borrow Buddy the Elf’s wide-eyed wonder for a few minutes — it’s the best kind of permission slip to feel joy again.   So pour yourself something fizzy, fold a little ridiculousness into your traditions, and enjoy the stories — goofy, tender, and truer than you might expect. From our cramped, sparkly loft to wherever you’re nesting this season: happy holidays, however you celebrate. Cheers.

DEFENDANT: Tori Amos EVIDENCE: Cloud Watcher California Red Blend SCENE OF THE CRIME: "The Finest Vineyards in California"  -- Hey friend — welcome to the chaos: we opened a grocery-store red called Cloud Watcher (hello, green-pepper nose and dark-plum cocoa vibes), wrestled over a billion points in Corrections Corner, and brought our dog Hermes along to supervise. We sip, we sigh, and we trade childhood-cloud stories while debating whether cloud-watching is relaxing or suspiciously boring.    Then things get deliciously melodic because our “defendant” today is Tori Amos. We peel back her origin story — piano prodigy at Peabody, early L.A. band experiments, exile to the UK, and the piano-driven masterpiece Little Earthquakes — and run through highlights from Choirgirl Hotel to Boys for Pele, Night of Hunters and beyond. There’s talk of kazoo deep cuts, mood rings, curly hair aesthetics, and why Tori’s lyrics made us fall in love with poetry all over again.   Of course we couldn’t resist a game: a twelve-question cross-examination where we read lyrics and guessed whether they were Tori or Not-Tori. There were surprises (Fiona Apple, Tracy Chapman, The Cranberries), triumphant wins, a couple of tequila—I mean wine—sips for wrong answers, and a lot of nostalgic 90s energy. You’ll hear about favorite songs (Crucify gets a special shout), concert memories, and how husband, Fact Checker and our little group fit into the Tori fandom saga.   Gossip alert: we dive into the messy 90s drama — Trent Reznor, Courtney Love, and the career fallout that left some fans scribbling love and hate in equal measure. We don’t shy away from the heavy stuff either: there’s a frank moment about trauma, loss, and how those themes weave through Tori’s music.   Between parenthetical jokes about Publix ads, soup-watching disasters, and a recurring helicopter/hematite-cloud dream, this episode is equal parts nerdy music-nerd history and cozy chat over a $10 bottle that punches way above its price. We also bouquet in a little wanderlust — Cornwall homes, haunted castles, and the dream of living like older, well-rested rich people with perfect towels and fireplaces in every room.   So pour a glass, settle in, and listen for the lyric-guessing triumphs, the wardrobe nostalgia (yep, we reunited with our high-school T-shirts), and the way Tori’s songs keep looping back into our weird little lives. If you’re a Tori obsessive, an accidental listener, or just here to find out whether that wine is worth a splurge — welcome, you’re home.

DEFENDANT: Everybody Loves Raymond EVIDENCE: Raymond Cellars Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon  SCENE OF THE CRIME: Long Island -- Hey friend — grab a glass and get comfy. In this episode of True Crimes Against Wine we swap the usual table wine for a lush, decanted Raymond Sellers Cabernet Sauvignon (yes, the reserve — velvety label, 14.5% sass included) and spend the episode pairing big-flavor wine notes with bigger TV drama: the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond. We talk vineyard history (Napa’s underdog moment and the Bottle Shock story), decanting tips, and the gorgeous, peppery, black-cherry notes of this super-balanced Cab that the hosts absolutely adore. Then the banter turns to the Barone family: the show’s charm, its most cringe-worthy tropes (the “incompetent husband” bit and how sitcom conventions can sneak into real life), and the cast’s standout performances — from Marie’s manipulative, loving energy to Frank’s grumpy heart and Robert’s deadpan magic. Expect hot takes on Patricia Heaton’s real-life politics, behind-the-scenes casting quirks, and hilarious anecdotes about auditions, auditions-day moods, and even celebrity soap-opera moments (yes, there’s an SVU crossover mention). We laugh, we judge, we get nostalgic about laugh tracks and sitcom dinners (IHOP, anyone?), and ultimately try to render a verdict: is Everybody Loves Raymond guilty of reinforcing tired gender tropes, or just a cozy, flawed classic? Pour yourself something good and listen in — we’ll make you feel like you’re on the couch with us, wine in hand, ready to gossip.

DEFENDANT: The Hero of Time EVIDENCE: Siren Song Merlot/Syrah blend SCENE OF THE CRIME: Hyrule -- Hey friend — pop a cork and get comfy. In this episode of True Crime Against Wine we pivoted (blame the internet and a mis-shipped bottle) and ended up sipping a lush Merlot-Syrah blend from Siren Song while getting delightfully nerdy about The Legend of Zelda. Expect giggles, throwback gaming stories, and super honest wine notes — think plush blackberries, juicy plum, and a grown-up juice-box vibe that’s dangerously drinkable. We dive into Zelda’s origins (shoutout to Miyamoto and Tezuka), reminisce about Ocarina of Time demos at the mall, and debate favorite entries like Wind Waker and Breath of the Wild. There’s talk about iconic villains (Ganon, of course), the weirdly existential Link’s Awakening plot, cult-fave enemies (stalfos!), and why Link’s silent-hero design is pure genius for player immersion. Also: a brief side-eye at 900-number culture, a few messy sibling stories, and absolutely too many sips of wine. If you’re into cozy chats about wine, gaming lore, and dumb personal anecdotes, this one’s for you. Cheers — it’s dangerous to go alone, so bring a friend (and maybe another bottle).

DEFENDANT: Pazuzu EVIDENCE: Manos Special Edition "The Exorcist" Cabernet Sauvignon SCENE OF THE CRIME: Hell, or a staircase near you...  -- Hey friend — welcome to our spooky season send-off. We cracked a bottle of Manos Cabernet, sunk into the couch, and dove headfirst into The Exorcist: the movie, the poster, the Pazuzu lore and all the deliciously grim behind-the-scenes gossip. Expect laughter, wine-fueled tangents, and the kind of true-crime sidetracks that only two slightly lubricated hosts can provide. We unpack why that iconic image of Father Merrin under the lamplight still freaks us out (Magritte vibes included), how the film shaped the possession subgenre, and why Linda Blair and Ellen Burstyn left their mark on horror history. We talk casting choices that almost were (Marlon Brando, Audrey Hepburn?), the haunting performance choices, and how Pazuzu went from ancient Mesopotamia to Hollywood’s demon of choice. Of course we get into the messy, human side: on-set injuries, practical effects (the real vomit/peanut-soup moment), Mercedes McCambridge’s voicework, and William Friedkin’s famously brutal directing methods. Plus the awkward modern problems — streaming paywalls, holiday theater lines, and whether you should ever feed Necco wafers to road-trip company. Sprinkled between film history are the personal stories: first-time screenings, dating decisions made at horror films, and the ridiculous pop-culture riffs that happen when you mix wine with movie analysis. If you love spooky, culty cinema, or just want a cozy chat about why The Exorcist still matters (and why Pazuzu might actually be misunderstood), this episode is for you. Give it a listen, tell us your favorite spooky bottle art, and rank our mini-series with us — we want to know which movie haunted you the most. Cheers (and maybe don’t say Pazuzu in a mirror)!

DEFENDANT: Pennywise the Dancing Clown EVIDENCE: Manos Special Edition "IT" Cabernet Sauvignon SCENE OF THE CRIME: Derry, Maine -- Hey friend — pull up a chair (but maybe keep an eye on the storm drain). In this episode we crack open some Manos vino and dive headfirst into Stephen King’s It: the book, the 1990 miniseries, and the 2017/2019 films. We chat about why the various adaptations land so differently, what makes Pennywise terrifying (Tim Curry vs. Bill Skarsgård), and how the story’s big ideas — childhood trauma, memory, and fear — get handled across formats. We also get candid about the parts that don’t sit right: problematic elements in the book, how King’s worldview shows up in his writing, and why some of his choices (yep, we mean that one scene) feel unnecessary and disturbing. It’s a frank, cozy, and sometimes messy convo — the kind you’d have with your snarkiest, warmest friends over a glass (or three). If you love horror history, behind-the-scenes casting tea, and judge-y takes on iconic scenes, this episode is for you. And if you’re terrified of clowns or storm drains... we hear you. We’ll hold the light while you walk by the gutter.

DEFENDANT: Inconclusive EVIDENCE: Manos Special Edition Friday 13th Cab Sauv SCENE OF THE CRIME: Camp Crystal Lake, duh --  Join Judge Topher and Judge Rachel for a hilariously intimate, wine-soaked chat about the entire Friday the 13th saga. They riff on everything from the original film’s odd pacing and surprise twist to Jason’s evolution (hockey mask, cyborg era, and questionable resurrection logistics). Between sips of Manos Cab and offbeat personal stories (yes, poop tales and mall Freddy sightings included), they debate which sequels make sense, how horror tropes like “sex gets you killed” came to be, and whether Freddy or Jason would actually win. Casual, funny, and warm — it’s like eavesdropping on two friends dissecting slashers, spooky season plans, and the absurdities of genre continuity. Tune in for laughs, nostalgia, and the kind of off-script banter you wish your pals would record.  

DEFENDANT: Annabelle  EVIDENCE: Manos Special Edition Annabelle Cabernet Sauvignon SCENE OF THE CRIME: Hell -- Hey friend — pull up a chair and pour yourself a glass (or two) — we spent the episode diving into Annabelle, Manos' delightfully creepy collector bottles, and a whole lot of supernatural rambling. Expect laughs, movie takes, and some bourbon-powered philosophy about demons, dolls, and the weird stuff that gives you goosebumps. Whether you’re Team Scared or Team Skeptic, we’re keeping it cozy and a little spooky — like chatting with your most entertainingly weird friend over wine. Come for the horror breakdowns, stay for the ridiculous tangents about haunted lamps, porcelain dolls, and whether priests should just take the damn cursed thing to church.

DEFENDANT: DragonCon EVIDENCE: Old Fourth Ward Limited Edition DragonCon Bourbon SCENE OF THE CRIME: Atlanta, Georgia! -- Hey friend — we’re back for Season 5 and we start things off with bourbon, Dragon Con vibes, and the kind of stories you only find when nerd culture meets true crime. Join us for cocktails, cosplay chat, a few messy scandals, and loads of heart. Grab a drink, get cozy, and let’s catch up like old pals — we’ve missed you.

DEFENDANT: The Sims EVIDENCE: Rex Hill Sims Valley Pinot Noir SCENE OF THE CRIME: Henford-on-Bagley and other locations -- Hey there, fellow wine and game enthusiasts! 🎉 Join us as we wrap up a delightful season of True Crime Against Wine in what can only be described as a bittersweet farewell (but fear not, we'll be back with even more surprises next season!). This episode, we're diving back into the world's top wine destination, Willamette Valley, and exploring why it's earned such high praise.   But that’s not all! We’re also putting The Sims in the hot seat, exploring its quirky history, and sharing hilarious personal tales from our gaming experiences. From battling unexpected events (like falling satellites!) to wooing with wizards, it's a fun rollercoaster ride. And, of course, our sidebars will continue over the summer - so keep those questions coming via email or any of our socials!   Pour yourself a glass of something fabulous and buckle up for an episode full of laughs, nostalgia, and a peek into what's brewing for Season Five. Until then, say cheers, ciao, and see you soon! 🥂

DEFENDANT: Kevin Hart   EVIDENCE: Gran Coramino Cristalino Reposado Tequila (it is silver because it is clear, Fact Checker doesn't always know everything)   SCENE OF THE CRIME: Jalisco, Mexico -- Hello, friends! Welcome to another tantalizing episode of True Crimes Against Wine. Picture this—you’re stepping into our cozy podcast, where we love to escape the chaos of the world and unwind.   This time, we're diving into a spirited discussion as we savor some delightful tequila. And not just any tequila; it’s Kevin Hart’s very own Coramino Tequila. Oh yes, we’re doing it right!   In this episode, we banter about the unique traditions of tequila-making, explore some funny and awkward anecdotes from Kevin Hart's life, and sift through old scandals with the lightheartedness of enjoying a smooth, strong drink. Guffaw with us over comedic imprudence and celebrity escapades while sipping on divine margaritas that you’ll definitely want to try at home.   Whether you’re here for the wine wisdom, comedic interludes, or just to hear us babble about all things entertaining, you’re in the right place. So, grab your glass and tune in for a long, enjoyable escape with us!

DEFENDANT: White Lotus EVIDENCE: White Lotus Makgeolli SCENE OF THE CRIME: An Exclusive Resort Near You -- Hey friends! Welcome to another entertaining episode of True Crimes Against Wine. Grab a glass and join us as we whisk you away into the captivating world of the White Lotus – where luxury meets underhanded alliances and unexpected twists!   We’re diving into the latest season, exploring the picturesque settings from the heavenly coastlines of Thailand to the enchanting landscapes of Italy. It's a wild ride through wealth, secrets, and the fascinating drama that unfolds when some of the most flawed characters collide in paradise.   From the whirl of rich emotions to the depths of shocking betrayals (and yes, more of that seductive brotherly tension), you won't want to miss our sizzling takes and hilarious assessments. So, pop that cork and settle in for a juicy tale of hedonism, hilarity, and a hint of the sinister. Cheers to uncovering secrets over a glass – or two!

DEFENDANT: Kylie Minogue EVIDENCE: Kylie Prosecco SCENE OF THE CRIME: Veneto, Italy/Melbourne, Australia -- Hey there, mate! Join us as we uncork a delightful rosé Prosecco and dive into the bubbly world of Kylie Minogue. We get chatty about everything from Prosecco's fizz to pop sensation Kylie, and even manage to sprinkle in some fun pop culture tidbits. It's an easy-going, laugh-filled episode you won't want to miss! So grab a glass, get cozy, and let's have at it.

DEFENDANT: Emily in Paris EVIDENCE: Lillet Blanc SCENE OF THE CRIME: Paris -- Bonjour, mes amis! Dive into the delightful world of 'True Crimes Against Wine' where we take a stylish detour from our usual libations. Join us as we uncover the tantalizing truth behind aperitifs and their bitter companions, digestifs, with our special focus on the delightful Lillet Blanc. We reminisce about thrilling Parisian adventures while sipping our aperitif cocktails, discussing everything from Emilys in 'Emily in Paris' unforgettable fashion choices to learning why aperitifs like Lillet hold a treasured place in our hearts. This episode, filled with sparkling wit and laughter, effortlessly blends our love for wine, whimsy, and wonderful wardrobes. Don't miss out, because who wouldn't want to drink and look fabulous doing it?

DEFENDANT: RuPaul EVIDENCE: House of Love Canned Cocktails SCENE OF THE CRIME: The WerqRoom -- Hey there! Ready for some fun? In this episode, we step away from the usual somber crime stories and dive into the vibrant world of drag with a side of canned cocktails. Join us as we explore the quirky and colorful House of Love cocktails by none other than RuPaul! We'll chat about the delightful nuances of each drink, from pomegranate lime vodka to a passion fruit margarita that, well, might not be for everyone. Buckle up as we venture into the history of drag, from its ancient roots to its pivotal moment under the spotlight thanks to icons like RuPaul. Whether you're a fan of RuPaul's Drag Race or just curious about why canned cocktails are the rage, this episode's got a little something for everyone. So, pour yourself a drink, sit back, and enjoy the lively chat!

TRIGGER WARNING: SA, please take care of your mental health. We value you and don't want to cause any harm through the things we discuss. -- DEFENDANT: Outland EVIDENCE: Manos Outlander Sauvignon Blanc SCENE OF THE CRIME: The Scottish Highlands -- Hey there, my friend! Welcome to our latest episode, where we take a fun and sometimes intense ride through the world of Outlander. 🚀 We're deep diving into all the juicy details and complex relationships that've got us hooked on this time-traveling adventure!   This week, we uncork some thoughts on everything from quantum physics to Scottish history, and debate the realism of Outlander's storyline alongside our trusty sleep-aid assistant, Hermes. 🐾 Whether it's sharing a laugh or unpacking some heavier themes, we're all about creating a cozy space for these conversations.   As we sip on some wine, we explore the different layers (just like a fine onion) of the show's characters, the lavish costumes, and how they age those kilts just right. So, grab a glass, get comfy, and join us for a chat! Cheers! 🍷

DEFENDANT: Dungeons and Dragons EVIDENCE: Quest's End Warlock Whiskey SCENE OF THE CRIME: Your Imagination -- Welcome to our latest episode where we dive into the magical realm of Dungeons & Dragons, exploring the adventures and misadventures it offers. Get comfortable as we discuss the nuances of creating characters, rolling dice for destiny, and whether you should add a twinkle or shine to your D&D persona. We also indulge in the tale of Matthew Lillard's whiskey creation, Quest's End, and its enticing flavors that might stave off scurvy, or maybe just transport you to a ship's deck. Whether you're a whiskey aficionado or simply D&D-curious, this episode promises a journey through taste and imagination. Join us as we banter about our experiences, mishaps, and the unexpected hilarity that ensues when fantasy meets reality. It's an epic quest full of laughter, insights, and the reminder that every critical fail can turn into an unforgettable story. Cheers!