Chatting With The Lightkeeper | Your Ultimate Guide To Exploring BDSM, D/S, And Kink

When it comes to consent violations in BDSM, D/S, and kink, it can almost feel reflexive for those with experience to point their fingers at those who are new or less experienced. Not only that, but this ‘blame game’ often papers over the lifestyle’s much deeper and dangerous problem; hint, it is not just BDSM gone wrong like spanking too hard. However, Negative Nellie did not take over the podcast because the lifestyle does some amazing things right with consent, too. Discover what you must know about one of BDSM’s biggest challenges as well as what it is getting right, all backed by theresearch. Oh, and that research, it is all listed here if you want to take a deep dive. Content warning: Heavy topic, SA, discussed.Sources:Bowling, J., Wright, S., Stambaugh, R.J., Gioia, D., &Cramer, R. (2020). Consent Survey 2020 Report. National Coalition for SexualFreedom. https://ncsfreedom.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/Consent-Survey-2020-report.pdfFanghanel, A. (2020). Consent violations and community normsin BDSM spaces. Sexualities. https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460719828933Dunkley, C. R., & Brotto, L. A. (2020). The role of consent in the context of BDSM. Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research andTreatment, 32(6), 657–678. https://doi.org/10.1177/1079063219842847Harris, E. A., Morgenroth, T., Crone, D. L., Morgenroth, L.,Gee, I., & Pan, H. (2023). Sexual consent norms in a sexually diverse sample. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 53, 577–592. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02741-0Tarleton, H. L., Mackenzie, T., & Sagarin, B. J. (2024).Consent norms in the BDSM community: Strong but not inflexible. Archives of Sexual Behavior. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-024-03038-6Klement, K. R., Sagarin, B. J., & Lee, E. M. (2017).Participating in a culture of consent may be associated with lower rape-supportive beliefs. Journal of Sex Research, 54(1), 130–134. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2016.1168353Wismeijer, A. A. J., & van Assen, M. A. L. M. (2013).Psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners. The Journal of Sexual Medicine, 10(8), 1943–1952. https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23679066/

Oh, you’re curious about or into BDSM?You have a mental disorderYou must be unhappyYou had a traumatic childhoodYou’re dominant? All that means is you cannot take no for an answer. Oh, I’m sorry, you’re actually submissive? Well, that is just kink slang for someone who cannot make decisions.There are so many myths and misconceptions when it comes to mental health and BDSM, D/S, and kink. These often hurtful fallacies do more than just sting in the moment; they can causesomeone to not embrace a core part of who they are. Plus, they are so common that it is easy to come to believe there must be truths attached to them.This episode dissects the myths using peer-reviewed research, and I promise it is not a boring psych lecture.Find out what the research actually tells us!Please note: While this covers some of the common misconceptions about mental health and BDSM, this is by no means a complete list. The research reflects patterns across populations, not a universal experience. Individual journeys vary, and that is worth acknowledging.Sources:Wismeijer, A.A. and Van Assen, M.A. "PsychologicalCharacteristics of BDSM Practitioners." Journal of Sexual Medicine (2013) 10:1943Lecuona, O., Martínez-Barajas, O., Gimeno-Martín, A., et al."Not Twisted, Just Kinky: Replication and Structural Invariance of Attachment, Personality, and Well-Being Among BDSM Practitioners." Journal of Sexual Medicine (2025) 72(6):1079-1108Sagarin, B.J., Cutler, B., Cutler, N., et al. "HormonalChanges and Couple Bonding in Consensual Sadomasochistic Activity." Archives of Sexual Behavior (2009) 38:186-200Brown, A., Barker, E.D., Rahman, Q. "A SystematicScoping Review of the Prevalence, Etiological, Psychological, and Interpersonal Factors Associated with BDSM." Journal of Sex Research (2020) 57(6):781-811Holvoet, L., Huys, W., Coppens, V., Seeuws, J., Goethals,K., and Morrens, M. "Fifty Shades of Belgian Gray: The Prevalence of BDSM-Related Fantasies and Activities in the General Population." Journal of Sexual Medicine (2017) 14:1152-1159Pliskin, A.E. "Social and Emotional Intelligence (SEI)in BDSM." Journal of Positive Sexuality (2018) 4(2):48-55Jansen, K.L., Fried, A.L., and Chamberlain, J. "An Examination of Empathy and Interpersonal Dominance in BDSM Practitioners."Journal of Sexual Medicine (2021) 18(3):549-555

In BDSM, D/S, and kink, collars are typically thought of as a symbol of commitment between a dominant and submissive, but there is another type of collar that is a symbol of dedicationand is growing in popularity. Would you be surprised to learn this collar does not need a dominant? How can a submissive be collared without a dominant? Why would a submissive want this?Find out these answers and more in this episode. Listen now and discover how self-collaring can be an act of radical growth and empowerment.

Just how far back do you think the roots of BDSM, D/S, andkink go? Were the Romans into D/S? What about Victorian times? Could Heathcliff and Catherine been ‘kinky’? Have you ever wondered how modern kink communities got started or how did people into BDSM connect before DMs, texting, and the internet?Unless you know Doc Brown or have a DeLorean with afunctioning flux capacitor, this episode will answer all those questions plus explain how military surplus motorcycles and leather jackets laid the foundations for modern kink communities.

People often say that a journey into exploring BDSM and kink will be life-changing, but what does that really mean? Often, generic posts and lovely but vague-sounding ideas are tossed about to describe it. So this episode is different; it is personal. I openly share how D/S has challenged and changed me, plus those times where it forced me to grow, even when I might not have wanted to. No matter if you are a dominant, submissive, or switch, grab your headphones, get comfortable, and settle in for this personal trip into self-growth while discovering how you, too, can evolve as you explore the lifestyle.

Exploring BDSM, D/S, and kink can really open our minds up to self-discovery. Have you ever wondered what happens in our brains when we go from thinking about trying something kinky and new? Science has the answers, and they just might surprise you. In the second half of the show, the chatting turns to rituals in BDSM or D/S. While rituals are typically thought of as things submissivesdo, but what if I told you some rituals include dominants, too? Not only that, but what if there was a specific time of day for them that would help your partnership thrive?Do not miss these answers and more in this episode.

Do you know what the number one sexual fantasy is forAmericans? With 2026 just arrived many are making resolutions that include BDSM, D/S and kink fantasies. This episode explores America’s most popular fantasy with practical advice on how to take it from dreamy desire to lived reality.So get comfortable, put in your earbuds, discover this kinktastic fantasy and learn what you need to know should you want to bring this often unspoken fantasy to life.

BDSM and kink lifestyle educators often talk about the importance of education. It is not surprising that educators discuss education, but what happens when fiction replaces facts, fantasy supplants safety, and consent takes a backseat to raw, primal desire? Could it result in a D/S scene filled with orgasmic delights? It could, but this is BDSM, where activities come with risk from small to life-altering or even ending. The more play that happens between those without proper training, the risks skyrocket, and informed consent becomes impossible, as there is no knowledge base to provide informed consent. Studies show there is an alarming trend in the world of BDSM and kink where pornography is moving from entertainment andinspiration into the role of educator. The spicy content has not changed, but how it is viewed by those consuming it has. Find out what research shows about the trend of porn as a BDSM and kink educator. Sources: Prevalence of Sexual Strangulation/Choking Among Australians Authors: Leah S. Sharman, Robin Fitzgerald, and Heather DouglasHoles in Kinky Education: The Role of Pornography in Learning about BDSM Sexualities Authors: Iris Ryn Olson and Bryce WestlakeBDSM Safety in Pornography: Its Perceived Accuracy and Impact on Practitioners' Safe Word Practices Author: Bryce G. WestlakeEnjoyment, Exploration and Education: Understanding the Consumption of Pornography Authors: Mark McCormack and Liam WignallKink Community Education: Experiential Learning and Communities of Practice Authors: Richard A. Sprott, Carolyn Meeker, and M. O'Brien

TBA...Have you ever heard or seen a comment about D/S from someone in the community that makes you scream, “This is justutter, utter garbage”? That recently happened to me. An influencer in the dominant and submissive space shared that “real” dominants are all outgoing, charismatic, and magnetic. Rather than just sit back and think “I cannot believe they said that”, I thought, what if I am wrong and they are indeed right? So I started down the research rabbit hole of BDSM, D/S dynamics, introverts, extroverts, and magnetism vibes to find out what actual data, from scientific studies, showed. Well, the results are in. So is it true that “real” dominants are all rocking an outgoing and magnetic vibe? Just press play and find the answers.

Hey there, come on over and join me for a chat about collars. No, no, not the one your pet wears unless your pet is an amazingperson who just happens to be submissive. For some collars are simple yet deeply meaningful, while others build a detailed process, but as with everything in D/S, there is no right or wrong answer. Heck, a collar in BDSM might symbolize something entirely different than a dynamic. This episode is one you do not want to miss, even if it is for the answer to one question: How can a collar tell someone they have a 'cheap' dominant?

“So tell me what you want, what you really, really want,” exclaimed the Spice Girls back in ’96, and sadly, almost thirty years later, many of still us suddenly get shy when it comes to telling someone what we really, really want, especially when it comes to BDSM, D/S, and kink. Perhaps it is because we think those things we really, really want are so unique that others would not want them. We fill our minds with worry, wondering if we shared it, the answer would be “no”. Plus the fear that this no would also lead to possibly having the person we shared it with no longer see us as desirable. The truth is fetishes, sexual fantasies, and all things kinktastic that we might hesitate to share are shared by thousands who never speak about them. Discover just how common our naughty sides are, and next time you look around at your co-workers, you will be wondering which ones are into this too!

How did you discover BDSM?My story began with an ancient Roman historian, hunger pangs, a taco craving, and a healthy dose of naivety. Then came the moment I ran into a professor at what seemed like the wrong place (a porn store) at the wrong time. As if there is ever a good time to see a professor in a porn shop, color me mortified.Discover how Tacitus, tacos, and fate brought me to the BDSM community in ways I never saw coming. Tune in to hear how it all connects in this BDSM podcast episode and prepare to be surprised by the most unlikely path into D/S.

Just a quick update following one of the most amazing birthday weekends.

How does a flaming car connect to BDSM vetting, D/S, and kink? What happens when you focus so much on being open to being vetted that you do not do your homework on someone? In this episode, I reveal the mistakes I made and the heavy cost of replacing due diligence with blind trust. This story stands as one of my most valuable BDSM lifestyle and relationship lessons. Listen to uncover the warning signs I overlooked that led to automobile flambé.

People often say “trust me,” but in BDSM and kink, trust goes far beyond words. In this episode of Chatting With The Lightkeeper, uncover why saying “trust me” does not make someone trustworthy. This is why it is essential to invest time in proper vetting, whether someone is a potential play partner or a long-term life partner. In this episode, you will hear about red flags to avoid, green flags that show promise, practical tips to improve vetting, and common processes that seem helpful but can actually be risky.

A man once believed that lemon juice could make him invisible to security cameras. He had read that lemon juice worked as invisible ink, and he assumed the same principle applied to his face. He robbed a bank and was shocked when he was arrested. This episode uses that story to examine the kinds of false assumptions and overconfidence that can show up in BDSM.The episode is about self-awareness, poor logic, and the very real consequences of not understanding what you are doing. It breaks down how ego, lack of communication, and assumptions can lead to serious mistakes in kink. It offers direct insight for anyone who wants to improve their practice, avoid common pitfalls, and take BDSM seriously.

This episode of Chatting With The Lightkeeper is personal.A recent family emergency brought forward a challenge to my identity as a dominant. According to some, my actions mean I am not a "true" dominant. In this episode, I explain what happened, explore why rigid definitions can be more harmful than helpful, and discuss how there are moments in every D/S relationship when the focus must shift to partnership rather than roles. This is a reflective and provocative conversation about leadership, care, and the reality of living this lifestyle.

Do not cross my state line, obey the legal limit, and is it time to reexamine negotiation? Often the words boundaries and limits are used interchangeably in BDSM and kink but there are differences. Find out what those key differences are and why they are so important.Next, the phrase "negotiate consent" covers an incredibly important topic but when it comes to consent are we really negotiating? Should we be negotiating something so precious? Ascertain why we can do better. All in this episode!

You had questions, and you did not hold back. From the awkward to the bold, the curious to the complicated, your inquiries about BDSM, D/S, and kink were sharp, honest, and wide ranging. In part one, the conversation began. Now it is time to get into the rest, including the surprises, the tougher dilemmas, and the ones people usually keep to themselves. Grab those earbuds and settle in. Part two is ready for you.

Recently I asked you, the listeners, to ask your questions about BDSM, D/S, and kink and the variety and scope of the questions are amazing. The questions cover so much ground, from navigating ethical gray areas, how to talk with an uptight partner about getting kinky, or handle laughter mid-scene plus some dared ask those questions people think but rarely ask! So put on those earbuds, pull up a chair, get comfy, and press play on the first of a two part episode dedicated your questions!