Gathering Gold

Rupture and repair. Rupture and repair. Rupture and repair.  This is the rhythm of all close relationships—even the relationship between Sheryl and Victoria, as we discuss (gingerly, with care) in today’s episode. In any relationship, if we get close enough, we will eventually experience a rupture. We make mistakes, we let each other down, we hurt, and then, with courage, self-awareness, and a foundation of love, we can heal.  Yet it is no small task to skillfully traverse ruptures and repairs. As Sheryl explains in today’s episode, “we become de-sensitized to the experience of a guarded heart, and we skirt away from doing whatever is required to bring us back to full trust and full closeness.”  Through deeply personal stories of her own experiences in this realm, Sheryl shares some of the guiding principles that can help us to navigate our differences with honesty and love, and find our way back to each other.  References: Being Well podcast episode with Sue Johnson Dialectical Behavior Therapy Mindfulness

The wild has been banished, pushed to the edges of civilization, pushed to the edges of psyche. Wolves and coyotes, bears and bobcats, rage and sexuality and messiness and imperfection have all been relegated to the outskirts. We long for wildness. We long for freedom and aliveness, creativity and authenticity.  And yet, we might also fear wildness—the way it can control us. The way we can burn others and be burned by it. How do we get in touch with our wild parts, and integrate them with the rest of us? How do we find healthy containers in which to explore our creativity, our dreams, our true voice, our boundaries? This is what we are exploring in today’s episode. References: Women Who Run with the Wolves: Myths and Stories of the Wild Woman Archetype, by Clarissa Pinkola Estés Tell All the Truth but Tell It Slant, Emily Dickinson Doubt (2008)  Everything Belongs podcast episode: "The First Half of Life" Silvy Khoucasian (Relationship Coach): Instagram handle  Join our Patreon community: https://www.patreon.com/gatheringgold

In today’s episode, we hear a very special guest’s story of managing fertility anxiety while trying to conceive for many months. Sarah shares her experience of desperately wanting to get pregnant and deeply fearing it would never happen. Along the way, we discuss finding supportive healthcare providers, learning to navigate sex when trying to conceive, meeting our own or our partner’s ambivalence about parenthood, and more. Sarah Koestner is a transformational life coach who was a beloved moderator on Sheryl’s online forum for many years. You can learn mare about her and her coaching work at www.sarahkoestner.com/ References: Pachamama  Perennials Episode: True Love with Sarah Koestner

In today's episode, Sheryl reflects on the liminal time between winter and spring, and the way that this season emphasizes a certain truth about life: that joy and grief are intimately, irrevocably connected. That we experience not grief, then joy, not life, then death, but all of it, together, always.  "We think linearly--but maybe, that's not how time, and grief, and memory co-exist. And it's spring that reveals these cross-sections." References: Sheryl's blog post "Fear Distorts Perception"  

The spring equinox is a moment of symmetry and balance; the sun sits exactly above the equator, and we experience an equal amount of daylight and darkness. In today’s episode, Sheryl shares her thoughts on the spiritual experience of symmetry, and how fractals in nature convince her that this world is one of not only chaos, but also order—and why that matters so much to highly sensitive people. We also discuss the yin and yang nature of seasons, the beauty in asymmetry, and how a healthy relationship with rituals and repetition can help us find and make meaning.  References: Quote from Madeleine L’Engle's A Swiftly Tilting Planet. Nature journal article “Why Symmetry Matters,” by Mario Livio The Age of Adeline (2015) Groundhog Day (1993) How Stuff Works article "Why Do We Get So Much Pleasure from Symmetry?" by Dave Roos The Accidental Universe: The World You Thought You Knew, by Alan Lightman

Today’s episode was inspired by a recent post that Sheryl shared on Instagram about trauma collisions in longterm relationships. In this conversation, we explore what trauma collisions are (and are not), how they differ from arguments, and how we can become more mindful and skillful in responding to them.  Sheryl underscores the role of self-awareness in uncovering the understory of a trauma collision, finding compassion for ourselves and our partners, and creating new, healthier patterns.  We discuss demon dances, childhood wounds, and the core human longing for both separateness and intimacy. References: Sheryl’s IG post about trauma collisions Love and Awakening, John Welwood Essay “Intimate Relationship as Transformative Path” by John Welwood A Little Book on the Human Shadow, Robert Bly Emotionally-Focused Therapy (EFT) Attachment theory Hold Me Tight, Sue Johnson Sue Johnson’s workbooks and video series Rilke quote about those in marriage being "the guardian of the other's solitude.”

You just sat down with a cup of tea and a good book. You’re deeply invested in the plot and sinking into glorious alone time, when suddenly, you hear footsteps. Your partner appears in the room.  “What’s for dinner?” they ask.  Your entire body is instantly flooded with one feeling: irritation.  It’s a feeling that we all have from time to time, including with the people we love most in the world: our partners, family members, and friends. And yet, we can easily feel jolted by irritation or annoyance. “Oh no,” we might say to our selves. “What’s wrong with me/them/our relationship that I feel this way? Aren’t I supposed to always feeling loving, patient, and kindly towards them?” In today’s episode, we’re exploring irritation in relationships, and what it might be pointing to when our skin crawls in response to the way our partner loads the dishwasher—or, God forbid, when a parent asks, “How was your day?” And of course, we look for the gold shimmering just underneath this seemingly ungracious emotion. References: Sheryl's blog post: "When You Feel Irritated with Your Partner"

The month of January is named after the Roman god Janus: the god of the doorway. Janus was said to have two faces: one looking ahead, and one looking behind.  We are now in the liminal month of January, moving between two years and looking forward and backward just like Janus. In today's episode, Sheryl encourages us to meet this liminality with curiosity and compassion. Though we may feel off-kilter and groundless, though we may be full of questions, there is gold to gather in this month of doorways. What doorways might you meet this month? What gold might you gather? References: Sheryl's blog post "January: the Liminal Month" The Nature of Reading book shop Looking for the Hidden Folk, by Nancy Marie Brown The Re-enchantment of Everyday Life, by Thomas Moore

In today’s episode, we return gently to sacred ground: the ground of our sexuality.  Last January, we explored what it means to own our sexual sovereignty through reclaiming our right and ability to say no. Today, we begin uncovering our inherent yes, which was likely shamed early in our lives. Sheryl encourages us to gently orient ourselves back towards our innate curiosity, belief in our own goodness, and appreciation for our bodies and beauty. We embrace the power of sharing stories of early sexual exploration, as participants of Sheryl’s Sacred Sexuality course do throughout the program. And we reflect on the importance of making room for fear, seeking out helpful educational materials, and finding our own unique relationship to sexuality, not trying to fit into an externally-prescribed template. Learn more about Sheryl’s Sacred Sexuality course, which starts January 13th, on her website.  References: Last year’s Gathering Gold "Sexual Sovereignty" episode Sheryl’s Sacred Sexuality course Sheryl’s blog post, “We Have Forgotten Who We are” https://conscious-transitions.com/we-have-forgotten-who-we-are/ The Chalice and the Blade, by Riane Eisler Barbie film (2023) Beautiful Dreamers film (1990) Walt Whitman Gathering Gold "Fairy Tales by the Fireside" episode Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life, by Emily Nagoski Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life, by Vanessa Marin Emily Dickinson poem, “Tell All the Truth But Tell It Slant”

In this special episode, Sheryl's husband Daev Finn joins the show to continue our seasonal exploration of wintry themes. A psychotherapist who uses the metaphor of myth and fairy tales in his work, Daev offers his perspective on the Brothers Grimm telling of "Briar Rose" (otherwise known as "Sleeping Beauty"). Daev, Sheryl, and Victoria read the tale aloud, then share their reflections on themes of slumber, sexuality, growing up, and banishment. Daev offers perspective on the history of myths and fairytales and their problematic parts, Sheryl reflects on the treatment of powerful women in patriarchal narratives, and Victoria muses on how this tale cautions us to rethink banishing our inner "thirteenth fairy." Find Daev on Instagram @followyourmyth References: "Briar Rose" text Disney film Maleficent (2014) The myths of Psyche, Persephone, and Perceval  The entitled prince vs. positive prince role models: Aladdin, Luke Skywalker, Kristoff from Frozen (2013) French author Charles Perrault Moana (2016) The story of the Buddha  Protagonists with self-agency: "Hansel and Gretel", Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz, Alice in Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter A non-binary hero(ine) in literature: Orlando, by Virginia Woolf Modern myth-makers Neil Gaiman, Joseph Campbell, and George Lucas Music in this episode: Gathering Gold theme music by Jarrett Farkas "Glacier" by SalmonLikeTheFish

We are approaching the shortest day and longest night of the year in the Northern hemisphere. In preparation for the winter solstice, Sheryl invites us to anchor ourselves in time and find communion with the luminous dark. How might we celebrate the triumph of light, the gift of the sun, while also welcoming the wisdom of darkness? How might we balance the need to rest and turn inward with the need to brave the cold, to go out into the world? How can we cultivate peace within ourselves in the face of all that is treacherous in this world—including the double-edged winter months, with their shimmer and ice, their harshness and beauty? This is what we invite you to explore with us in today’s episode, and at our upcoming Patreon Meet-Up on December 21st.  References: Gathering Gold Patreon (sign up for the Meet-Up Member tier to join our virtual meet-ups) Darkness and Light episode Winter’s Paradox episode  Francis Weller Effort and Ease episode

We all know the feeling: jitters before a birthday party. Melting into the wall during a wedding reception. Obsessing over that awkward hug you gave at the potluck. Everyone has their moments of social anxiety, but some of us suffer with it more chronically, perhaps managing a mixture of avoidance and overcompensation. We might worry that we are too quiet or too loud, too boring or too obnoxious—somehow just not right. Our fear of others’ judgment interweaves with our own harsh inner critic.  While humans are apt to underestimate how much people like us, we also all have had experiences of rejection that left scars. Highly sensitive people, introverted people, and people with anxiety have our own particular fear of being shunned because of our difference.  In today’s episode, Sheryl shares stories of her own past social scars that have contributed to social anxiety across her life, from getting kicked out a clique in fifth grade to feeling invisible in her synagogue in recent years. In this conversation, we dig into the soil of social anxiety to find the gems hidden under layers of sediment: our genuineness and our capacity to care and love. References: Episode of Hidden Brain, “How Others See You” Matt Haig quote: “Never be cool. Never try to be cool. Never worry what the cool people think. Head for the warm people. Life is warmth. You’ll be cool when you’re dead.”

Highly sensitive people bring many gifts to work, and we also face unique challenges—including a persistent longing to bridge the gap between our ideals and the reality of our work life. Whether we are full-time caregivers, lawyers, teachers, baristas, artists, or project managers, we might wonder: am I on the right path? Do I belong in this field? Might the grass be greener somewhere else? We have also been conditioned to believe that our work, our career, is a reflection of our worthiness. This can keep us stuck in a myriad of ways: we might fear that we don’t deserve to even try for a career that we’re deeply interested in, or we might struggle to leave a role that isn’t a good fit simply because it’s prestigious.  In today’s episode, we’re exploring questions around work and career anxiety, including how to show up fully in a good enough job, and how to manage anxiety when it's time to make a career transition. 

The witching hour: a time in the middle of the night when we sometimes wake from a potent dream or nightmare, eyes wide in the darkness, heart and body filled with something--fear or grief, regret or restlessness, poems or prayers. In today's episode, we discuss this mysterious portal and how we might find gold glittering in the darkest hours before dawn. References: “Dedicated to the One I Love,” by the Mamas and the Papas Britannica definition of “Witching Hour” Wise Child, by Monica Furlong  Dreamworker Jeremy Taylor Sheryl’s blog posts about "The Witching Hour," with cited comment by Kim 

In today’s special episode, Sheryl shares her story of navigating a major transition over the past year: ushering her eldest son out of the nest and into college far from home.   Sheryl shares passages from her journal that detail how she rode the waves of grief, reached for support, and found relief after bringing Everest to school and adjusting to home life without him.   And, she and Victoria discuss some of the pillars that hold up highly sensitive people during the micro and momentous transitions throughout life.   References: Elizabeth Bishop’s poem “One Art” Khalil Gibran’s poem “Your children are not your children” 

We hope you enjoy today's "Golden Nugget" mini-episode! We're sharing a voicemail from our lovely listener Olivia, who asked the question that inspired our episode Expectations, Emotions, and Very Big Days. Listen in to hear what happened for Olivia and her partner after she submitted her question, listened to the episode, and sat with the uncertainty of how to approach her wedding day and marriage anxieties. Visit our Patreon to learn more about submitting voicemails and enjoying future Golden Nugget mini-sodes: www.patreon.com/gatheringgold

Many of us feed our shame with the very food that makes it grow: criticism and cruelty that inspires deeper disconnection and despair. We think that we can control and punish ourselves into perfection, that we can banish our exiled parts into the shadowlands and transcend hurt and vulnerability. And yet, if we take the risk to feed our shame with love, acceptance, and compassion, we will see what’s underneath: a young, soft part of ourselves who is here to help us heal. How do we find that love and compassion and heal our shame? This is what we explore in today’s episode. References: Feeding Your Demons Queer Eye Heartstopper Sap and Feel Good Sounds True webinar about Internal Family Systems (with Elizabeth Gilbert and Jonathan Van Ness) Harm reduction movement  Ted Lasso Never Have I Ever Dr. Kristin Neff Carl Rogers

Everyone feels shame at one time or another. For some of us, shame is an occasional or even rare experience. It’s an awful feeling, but manageable. For others, shame is a state that we are particularly prone to; our shame gets activated quickly and intensely. We might even walk around in a haze of free-floating shame, inhaling it with the air we breathe.  In today’s episode, Sheryl and Victoria explore shame and some of its shifting forms: shame as a creature of the dark that hides out in our innermost places, that flees when we attempt to bring it into the light. Shame as a voice we hear deep inside, convincing us that we don’t deserve love and belonging. Shame as a cloak, shielding us from the vulnerability of exposure and visibility. Join us in this episode to tug at the cloak and take a peek at what's underneath. References: Break Free from Anxiety 9-month course "The Good Girl and the Inner Teenager" episode Sheryl’s most recent blog post: "Healing Shame is One of the Keys to Healing Anxiety" Sheryl's "You Are Loved" MP3 Shame Spiral podcast Harriet Lerner Feeding Your Demons: Ancient Wisdom for Resolving Inner Conflict, by Tsultrim Allione Andrea Gibson on double suffering Jen Campbell talking about queer coding and disability coding in Disney Sheryl’s Sacred Sexuality course Untamed by Glennon Doyle

Today's episode is from the Gathering Gold Patreon Bonus Episode vault! Sheryl and Victoria address a question from Olivia, who is considering marriage with her partner. Olivia's family expects a big wedding, but she dreads being the center of attention. Also...she has some fears about making this forever commitment. Though Olivia's question is about marriage, the themes in this episode will resonate with anyone currently facing a big transition, like Sheryl and Victoria: right now, Sheryl is preparing to bring her eldest son to college for the first time, and Victoria is wrapping up her last few days at the job she has held for the past nine years. Stay tuned for reflections to come on these big milestones.  **** Click here to learn about our Patreon, and here to register for Sheryl's 9-month course: Break Free from Anxiety. 

Everything we do requires some effort. We wake up in the morning, and from that point forward, we exert effort, starting with getting out of bed and brushing our teeth. In our society, it is easy to think of effort as synonymous with drudgery, exhaustion, and an attitude of "never enough." Because of this, we also have a complicated relationship with ease: we struggle to rest, and to trust ease. We often stumble from overexertion into numbing out. Humans seem to be happiest when we find a flow between effort and ease, a satisfactory relationship with trying and allowing, practicing and surrendering. How do we come to cultivate that symbiotic relationship in our lives? How do we find that flow? This is what we explore in today’s episode. References: Mindset, by Carol Dweck Taylor Swift commencement speech at NYU Taylor Swift's "Mirrorball" Tricia Hersey’s The Nap Ministry Hannah Morris Bouldering YouTube channel