The Chaos under my Calm: Poems by Anjali

Some days weigh heavy on your heart; they shove their judgements and cripple angst amidst the calm you've been breeding. This poem is about one of those days. Transcript: My vision seems blurred today I think it’s filled with rage My eyes are an ocean I think it’s the tears My cheeks feel warm I think it’s the embarrassment I sit in a corner and cry Beg you to stop Tell you I am trying But are you listening? You told me I stink of betrayal You told me that I was a zero And you kept repeating Repeating till each spectrum of my confidence exploded You forgot all the moments I have spent crying All the moments I kept trying You told me results won’t matter Not if I worked hard enough Not if I showed passion And I did, I tried, I persevered But you have been sly You have been smart And you have been a liar. Each morning I look at you And I see you look back at me I see the disappointment in your eyes Your screams at my failures haunt me each night Your impatience towards me increases with time And your hatred towards me gets unbearable with each passing moment. And I try very hard to set you free Free from miseries, free from the pain, free from me But is it ever possible to set one free from oneself?

This poem is for all those who've been waiting for something or someone with glistening stars in their eyes and boundless hope in their hearts. Transcript: When the gloomy winter evening takes over When your arrival is just an insane idea When hopes have left each heart they lodged in I’ll wait for you I’ll try to look beyond the mist I’ll keep the curtains apart all day I’ll not let myself fall prey to the pessimism around me For I know your shine is inevitable Sometimes, you delay but you never deny And that is why I’ll wait for you Even when I am stuck in a desert of disapprovals When your presence is compared to a mirage I won’t let go of my hopes I’ll run to each mirage For I know even if I don’t find you a 100 times You’ll be there somewhere Finding me in other places And if this is destiny’s test, I know we’ll succeed For even if you take a lifetime, I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait for you like a child lost in the midst of the city I’ll cry my heart out But I won’t bury my belief I won’t let the city lights blind me Or the incessant noises mislead me I’ll look around in each direction For I know you’ll be arriving from one And I will, always, wait for yo

"Hollow" attempts to address the indescribable void that seeps in at odd moments in life. It will accompany the perplexity and will empathise with the obscurity of the situation that the hollow of life puts one in. Transcript: There’s a hollow in my life And I am not sure what it is There’s a hollow in my life And I’ve heard you whisper about it There are moments in my life When I feel I can tell exactly what it is Maybe that missing dream, that missing moment, that missing person, Or maybe my thoughts are not my own It’s a string entangled on my finger The same string your whispers unleashed Or is it a dream I saw last night Which gifted glimpses of utopia And made me feel incompetent to ever attain it Or is it my time on the social media Which weaves fairy tales and masters perfection And makes me question every flaw I have ever had Or is it you? The reflection I see each morning, Smiling back at me with hushed tones Hiding layers beneath to save me from the storm, And whispering tales to perplex life’s austerity.

Transcript: Have you ever felt misunderstood? I’ll tell you how it feels The core of your heart burns with anguish Little volcanoes erupt in your soul You fail to fathom your own emotions Something crumbles inside you while you sit Your only escape are your tears or your rage Both of which you need to suppress Both of which are condemned The more you speak, the less you become of a girl The less you become of an agreeable child or a congenial human Simply because reasoning is neither accepted nor appreciated Have you ever been the least preferred one? I’ll tell you how it feels You begin by thinking it’s funny They obviously love you but don’t show Why do the rules change for others though? Why is their inexpressible love expressed when it’s not you? Slowly, your smile starts to fade away, And before you know, the fun in funny vanishes You still try and understand Count your own flaws every night Cry because they were the only people who were supposed to love you despite your flaws Slowly, you start accepting It’s like taking continuous little sips of hot water Letting it burn your throat as it moves down slowly You can feel your system accepting it. It’s like keeping your feet in cold water Resisting it for the first few moments And then not feeling a thing It is like every other new thing That your body eventually has to accept.

"To the guy down my street" is one of my first few poems and also, a raw personal anecdote. This ordinary tale helped me extract a simple yet meaningful perspective in life!

Dreams are always so scarily close to the reality as if to tempt us with the possibility that they might come true but also just as further away from it as if to tease us. This poem reflects on moments we see through the images they create and yet gather the courage to face them.

Zakir Khan had famously called us "a generation of broken hearts and broken people".  "Welcome to the 21st Century" is a portrayal of our generation based on an aspect of the formerly mentioned phrase. With no intention to generalise, it gives a glimpse of how our generation proceeds through life! Transcript: Welcome to the 21st century, The age of millennials The fast-paced life The period where everyone’s aware yet unaware Meet mankind’s most ambitious self See them race through their days See them not blinking in fear of losing the moment See them trying to be the best But wait, don’t stop for long in your quest Or you’ll fall behind, way behind Welcome to the new way of life The rollercoaster you climbed for the thrill The rollercoaster which lasts more than 5 minutes The rollercoaster that stops getting fun Welcome to the blues And observe those empty, sad faces in the metro that don’t look around The eyes of the poor kid right in front of that metro station The upset soul through the exuberance of the most buoyant people Notice contentment losing its grip on each individual you’ve known The shadow of depression covering the rays of happiness Welcome to the hollow The hollow that shut its door and caged every being it ever consumed The hollow that innocently closes its fists tightly around your fingers The hollow that is slowly victimising the world And is the mirage you went running for in a desert of oblivion

Piled up will remind you of the tsunamis of emotions that have washed you over; the impact of which has spread beyond the tragedy and the scars of which go beyond the surface.Transcript:I still remember the first time I failedIt felt like the world endedLike a mirror shattered and its pieces lostIt was an experience I had never prepared myself forAfter all, recall the people you know who have failedYou only know their failures because they are successful nowMillions try and failKeep trying and keep failingI didn’t cry instantlyI remember the day you leftWithout a sign, without a notice, without a tearI sat in the alley all dayDidn’t speak a wordJust kept sittingI told myself, I didn’t need to cryI also remember the day when I was misunderstoodHow could you not believe meHow could you not understand meDo you even know meAnger seeped in through my veins and filled in my eyesBut I didn’t let it flow,How could I let it flowThe world did not want another weak personIt needed fighters, warriors, brave heartsPeople who could defy the ordinaryNot people who cried all daySocial media told me that everyone’s happyAnd that I Didn’t really need to be so snappyBut every night, after the lights go offAfter the world has dozed offAfter the virtual screen darkensIt sparklesIt sparkles in the darknessIt slowly creeps from the side of the bed I have always avoidedIt forms a cloud which I just cannot see throughA cloud which bursts bringing into reality all that I had piled upThe pain, the sorrow, the anger, the guilt, the regret.Sleep when it finally comes,Makes sure to remind me of piling up emotions the next dayIt tells me that the next night isn’t going to be any different.It tells me to wear my armour every day to bedAs the battle against the pile is a never ending one.