Waking Up to Narcissism

Do you ever feel like no matter how much you explain yourself, your words just get turned against you? In this episode of Waking Up to Narcissism, Tony Overbay, LMFT, breaks down why explanations don’t lead to understanding with a narcissist—or with anyone who is deeply emotionally immature. Instead, they become what Tony calls an “attack surface”: the very fuel that allows the narcissist to twist, criticize, or position themselves as the victim. Through a painfully familiar story of a wife trying to share her day and a husband who withdraws into silence, Tony unpacks: Why silence is a weapon for the narcissist—and why it spikes anxiety for the pathologically kind partner How emotionally immature people thrive on friction and conflict rather than true connection The cycle of narcissistic supply (idealization, devaluation, and discard) and how it shows up in daily interactions The difference between secure attachment and antagonistic attachment Five rules for protecting yourself and reducing “attack surfaces” in conversations If you’ve ever found yourself over-explaining, apologizing for things that weren’t your fault, or walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, this episode will help you recognize the patterns, reclaim your emotional energy, and begin to shift the dynamic. Your kindness is a gift—but when explanations only make things worse, it’s time to understand why. 00:00 Introduction and Acknowledgements 00:52 Understanding Substack and Blogging 02:11 Disclaimer and Episode Overview 02:47 Narcissism in Relationships 07:25 The Real-Life Story Begins 11:39 Analyzing the Narcissistic Behavior 19:13 Secure Attachment vs. Narcissistic Attachment 25:58 The Concept of Attack Surface 35:18 The Silent Treatment: A Narcissist's Weapon 35:51 The Parasitic Dynamic in Narcissistic Relationships 39:20 The Narcissistic Supply Cycle 43:51 Codependency and Pathological Kindness 51:41 Strategies for Dealing with Narcissists 56:05 Breaking the Cycle: Reclaiming Your Power 01:01:32 The Importance of Documentation 01:07:57 Key Takeaways and Final Thoughts Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

What happens when the person who usually has the answers finds himself sitting in the unknown? In this deeply personal episode, licensed marriage and family therapist Tony Overbay shares his raw, honest experience of losing his mother - not as a clinician offering guidance, but as a son navigating grief for the first time. Tony opens with a touching story about his mom's lifelong belief that he was a "real doctor," leading to an unexpectedly profound moment in the ICU. He then sits down with Q&A Files co-host Trisha Jamison for an unfiltered conversation about what it's really like when the helper becomes the one who needs help. This isn't a clinical discussion about the stages of grief - it's a human exploration of sitting bedside for four days, the humor that emerges in dark moments, the spiritual experiences you hope for but might not get, and why "let me know if you need anything" might not be as helpful as we think. Whether you're processing your own loss, supporting someone who is, or simply curious about what happens when life flips the script on a mental health professional, this conversation offers something real. It's messy, it's honest, and it's ultimately about being human enough to sit with the questions when you don't have all the answers. Topics covered: Grief processing, end-of-life care, family dynamics, therapeutic insights, humor as coping mechanism, supporting others in loss, acceptance and commitment therapy in practice. Content note: This episode contains frank discussions about death, dying, and the physical aspects of end-of-life care. 00:00 Introduction and Announcements 02:25 Personal Loss: The Passing of My Mom 03:44 Understanding the Role of a Therapist 06:05 A Story of Misunderstanding: My Mom Thought I Was a Doctor 15:10 A Therapist's Perspective on Grief 17:58 Conversation with Tricia Jameson: Grief and Grace 34:30 Exploring the Nature of Memory 35:54 Humor as a Coping Mechanism 38:59 Seeking Spiritual Experiences 42:07 Navigating Grief and Loss 48:26 Reflecting on Personal Growth 52:01 Supporting Others Through Grief 58:49 Concluding Thoughts and Farewell Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Would you rather be liked—or be true to yourself? It sounds simple, but what happens when staying true to your values could cost you your job, your marriage, your faith community, or your friendships? In today’s episode of The Virtual Couch Presents, Tony Overbay, LMFT, dives into the real difference between character (the traits others see in us) and integrity (the alignment of our actions with our deepest values). Through stories pulled from the legal world, faith communities, workplaces, friendships, and even the messy reality of parenting, Tony explores how external validation can pull us away from who we are—and how emotional maturity, self-determination, and values-based living bring us back home to ourselves. You’ll hear about billion-dollar law firms making impossible choices, parents navigating the tension between community expectations and their child’s authenticity, and why even a heated debate over pizza sauce in a Hot Pocket can reveal where integrity really lives. At the end of the episode, stay tuned for a short guided meditation to help you connect with your own values and discover how to live them out with integrity. And don’t miss the chance to grab a cheat sheet of this episode and Tony’s Values Exercise, a simple but powerful tool to help you start discovering who you truly are. This is not about guilt or shame. It’s about curiosity, growth, and finding the courage to live with integrity—even when it costs you. 00:00 Welcome to the Virtual Couch 00:50 The Dilemma: Being Liked vs. Being True to Yourself 01:36 Exploring Character and Integrity 02:58 Upcoming Cruise and Workshops 04:04 Character vs. Integrity: Real-Life Examples 14:14 The Legal World: Integrity Under Pressure 33:21 Self-Determination Theory and Emotional Maturity 35:53 Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination Theory 36:56 Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness 37:42 External Rewards and Burnout 38:39 Real-World Examples of Integrity 39:42 Sophia's Journey to Integrity 42:16 Daniel's Struggle with Values 45:12 Integrity in Different Contexts 58:06 Faith and Integrity 01:06:15 Guided Meditation: Coming Home to Your Values Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line. To learn more about Tony's upcoming re-release of the Magnetic Marriage course, his Pathback Recovery course, and more, sign up for his newsletter through the link at https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch Available NOW: Tony's "Magnetic Marriage Mini-Course" is only $25. https://magneticmarriage.mykajabi.com/magnetic-marriage-mini-course You can learn more about Tony's pornography recovery program, The Path Back, by visiting http://pathbackrecovery.com

Have you ever tried to change someone’s mind—and watched them dig in even deeper? Or wondered why, even when you want to change your own beliefs, it feels like pushing against an invisible force? In this episode, Tony Overbay, LMFT, takes you on a journey that starts with a teenage quest for the perfect tan and ends with a powerful realization about how we construct our social realities. After sharing a personal story about undergoing a dramatic topical chemotherapy treatment for actinic keratosis, Tony reflects on how his temporarily altered appearance changed the way people interacted with him—and how it altered the way he saw himself. This experience sets the stage for a breakdown of the groundbreaking Dartmouth scar study, which revealed that the belief that you’re being judged can actually create that experience—regardless of reality. From there, Tony dives into the science of confirmation bias: how our brains are wired to seek out information that supports what we already believe, and how this cognitive shortcut influences everything from politics and religion to parenting and marriage. You’ll hear real-life examples, client stories (with details changed for confidentiality), and powerful metaphors that unpack why belief change is so hard—and why it’s also essential for personal growth, emotional maturity, and deeper human connection. 00:00 The Quest for the Perfect Tan 00:35 A Dermatologist's Warning 01:33 The Chemotherapy Cream Experience 02:27 Social Reactions to Visible Differences 05:20 The Dartmouth Scar Study 06:24 The Power of Perception 15:25 Confirmation Bias in Action 32:47 Interpreting Neutral Events 33:04 Religion and Coincidences 33:34 Selective Memory in Parenting and Beyond 34:58 Confirmation Bias in Action 36:23 Client Story: Recognizing Bias 40:32 Vaccine Hesitancy and Confirmation Bias 44:58 The Scar Study and Confirmation Bias 54:56 Evolutionary Roots of Belief Protection 57:33 Modern Challenges and Professional Competence 01:01:49 Conclusion and Listener Engagement Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.

What if an entire generation is emotionally stuck in childhood—and doesn't even know it? In this compelling guest appearance on The Steph and Craig Show, Tony dives deep into what he calls "the emotional immaturity epidemic" that's quietly sabotaging relationships everywhere. Discover the hidden patterns that keep adults reacting like children: black-and-white thinking that destroys nuance, magical thinking that avoids reality, and the exhausting habit of managing everyone else's emotions instead of allowing people to have their own experiences. Through real-life examples and practical insights, you'll learn to recognize these childhood survival strategies that have become adult relationship roadblocks. Whether you're the people-pleaser who can't say no, the perfectionist who fears vulnerability, or the controller trying to manage everyone's feelings, this conversation offers eye-opening insights into how these patterns formed—and more importantly, how to outgrow them. What you'll discover: • Why emotional reasoning ("I feel it, so it must be true") sabotages relationships • How childhood adaptations become adult limitations • Practical tools for recognizing your own emotional immaturity patterns • Actionable strategies for developing genuine emotional maturity Ready to stop reacting from your inner child and start responding from your wise adult self? This episode will show you exactly where to begin. Find The Steph and Craig Show at stephandcraig.co 00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview 00:34 Guest Introduction: Steph and Craig 02:22 Emotional Immaturity Epidemic 04:18 Therapy Insights and Personal Anecdotes 05:24 Interview Begins: Revisiting Past Conversations 06:52 Emotional Weight in Relationships 09:55 Understanding Emotional Immaturity 13:02 Inner Child and Emotional Development 27:35 Black and White Thinking in Relationships 30:55 Reflecting on Past Behaviors 31:53 The Power of Language in Relationships 33:07 Understanding Black or White Thinking 34:45 Magical Thinking and Emotional Maturity 43:12 Emotional Reasoning in Adults 58:46 Navigating Faith and Personal Validation 01:00:13 The Impact of External Validation on Self-Identity 01:00:42 The Role of Accountability and Magical Thinking 01:01:16 Spiritual Perspectives on Differentiation 01:02:37 Emotional Boundaries and Responsibility 01:04:35 Navigating Emotional Charges in Relationships 01:06:48 The Journey of Emotional Maturity 01:11:30 Mind Reading and Assumptions in Relationships 01:16:10 The Continuous Learning Process 01:23:31 The Importance of Emotional Maturity 01:26:05 Final Thoughts and Call to Action Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.

Are you truly being curious—or just trying to win the argument? Tony explores the difference between genuine curiosity and performative questions, sharing real-life examples and tools to help you respond with emotional maturity, not reactivity. Learn how curiosity can transform your relationships. 00:00 Introduction and Host Background 01:42 Understanding Performative vs. Genuine Curiosity 02:04 A Personal Story About Curiosity 08:50 The Importance of Genuine Curiosity in Relationships 19:10 Self-Regulation and Emotional Maturity 24:18 Promoting Genuine Curiosity in Parenting 26:17 The Role of Humility in Curiosity 29:41 Healthy Ego vs. Defensive Narcissism 35:03 The Neuroscience of Decision Making and Emotions 37:06 The Power of Slowing Down 37:36 Understanding Emotions: Primary, Secondary, and Instrumental 41:02 Exploring Anger in Relationships 42:48 Trusting Your Gut and Emotional Reasoning 45:41 Addressing Men's Emotional Immaturity 48:55 Real-Life Examples of Genuine Curiosity 53:42 Parenting with Curiosity 55:09 Curiosity in Marriage and Workplace 59:47 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Tools 01:02:15 Four Pillars of a Connected Conversation 01:05:20 Final Thoughts and Takeaways Contact Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com to learn more about his Emotional Architects men's group. And visit https://julie-dejesus.com/cruise to learn more about Tony and his friend Julie De Jesus's "I See You Living" cruise, a 5-night Western Caribbean Cruise from January 24-29, 2026 aboard the Royal Caribbean Cruise Line.

How many times have you been told you were too sensitive? Or accused of overreacting? Maybe you’ve heard things like, “It’s not a big deal,” “You need to calm down,” or “It was just a joke—why are you making this such a thing?” And each time, you questioned yourself. Was it really that bad? Were you imagining things? Because on their own, the comments, the criticisms, the passive-aggressive digs might seem small—hardly worth mentioning. But they kept happening. Over and over. Until you stopped trusting your own perception. That’s the nature of death by 1,000 cuts. It’s not the severity of one moment—it’s the slow, relentless erosion of your sense of self, done quietly enough that you begin to doubt whether you’re even bleeding at all. In this ninth edition of the Death by 1,000 Cuts series, Tony Overbay, LMFT, dives even deeper into the subtle ways being in a relationship with the narcissist, or emotionally immature, erodes your sense of self, one dismissive comment, one double standard, one guilt trip at a time. Tony explains how this isn’t just about pain. It’s about power. You’ll hear real stories from real people who’ve endured the emotional whiplash, the rewritten history, and the gaslighting—and who are waking up to their self-worth. He explores what happens when those who were meant to love us chip away at our confidence, and what it means to finally stop apologizing for noticing. And Tony shares how to recognize eventually, and then celebrate the resilience of those who are still standing, not just after 1,000 cuts, but after every life they had to rebuild. If you’ve ever felt like you were the only one keeping score of the damage—or the only one still fighting to heal—this episode is for you. 00:00 A True Story Begins 00:20 The Number Nine Debate 01:28 Mark's Research and Sarah's Reaction 03:17 The Argument Escalates 05:24 Mark's Apology and Internal Struggle 06:11 Mark's Conversation with Jim 07:05 Introduction to Death by a Thousand Cuts 08:58 Understanding Emotional Abuse 11:08 Listener's Email on Validation 14:45 Financial Control in Divorce 19:21 Emotional Betrayal in Vulnerability 22:44 The Car Disagreement 32:17 Emotional Immaturity and Self-Sufficiency 34:00 The Weaponization of Humor 37:27 The Impact of Passive-Aggressive Comments 47:38 Control and Manipulation in Relationships 50:31 Emotional Triangulation and Rewriting Narratives 54:57 Healing and Moving Forward 57:59 Mindfulness Prompt: The Cut and the Healing

What if the very strategies that saved you as a child are now sabotaging your adult relationships? In Part 2 of Tony's series on emotional immaturity, discover why your most persistent relationship struggles aren't character flaws—they're outdated survival software still running in the background of your life. Through the powerful ACT metaphor of "The Man in the Hole," you'll understand why working harder with familiar emotional tools only digs you deeper into relationship problems. When someone offers you a ladder out of your patterns, why do you keep trying to dig with it instead? This episode reveals how to recognize when it's time to put down the shovel of old coping strategies and climb toward something completely different. Meet the clients who've made this transformation: the chronic fixer who learned to ask "what do you need from me?" instead of immediately solving, the humor-deflector who shocked a room into silence by sharing something real, and the lifelong people-pleaser whose hands shook as she said "no" for the first time—and discovered her marriage actually got stronger. You'll explore Terry Real's revolutionary insight that childhood adaptations become adult roadblocks, learn the art of re-parenting yourself with compassion instead of criticism, and discover why emotional maturity isn't about never falling into old patterns—it's about recognizing when you're there and having new tools to respond. Whether you struggle with hypervigilance, perfectionism, control issues, or people-pleasing tendencies, this episode offers a shame-free framework for honoring your inner child's brilliant survival strategies while empowering your adult self to take the lead. Because growth isn't about eliminating your protective parts—it's about expanding your repertoire of responses and choosing consciously instead of reacting automatically. Ready to stop digging and start climbing? Your ladder awaits. 00:00 Introduction and Recap 01:23 The Story of Tyler 03:53 Tyler's Realization and Therapy 09:39 Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Metaphor 15:46 Revisiting Emotional Immaturity 19:30 Reparenting Yourself 25:05 Examples of Reparenting in Action 29:00 Exploring Emotional Immaturity Traits 40:54 Recognizing and Validating Emotions 42:47 Dependence on External Validation 48:54 Taking Ownership and Accountability 51:49 Mind Reading and Communication 01:03:55 Hypervigilance and Emotional Containment 01:07:12 Perfectionism and Control 01:11:49 Integration and Emotional Maturity 01:15:57 Real-Life Examples of Emotional Growth 01:22:05 The Journey of Emotional Maturity

Are you constantly trying to please your mother but never feeling good enough? Do you take responsibility for her emotional well-being? If you've ever found yourself stuck in these patterns, this episode is essential listening — and men, don't skip this one! Host Tony Overbay discovered he might have a little "Good Daughter Syndrome" himself. In this illuminating conversation, psychotherapist Katherine Fabrizio https://daughtersrising.info/ shares her 35 years of experience working with daughters of difficult mothers, including her own journey breaking away from practicing therapy alongside her controlling mother. With refreshing candor and hard-earned wisdom, Katherine reveals: The four psychological traps that keep "good daughters" stuck: the never good enough trap, the guilt trap, the self-doubt trap, and the mixed message trap Why setting even small boundaries can provide crucial data about your relationship How to break free without it being a "zero-sum game" where someone must lose Why your mother's narcissistic defenses will protect her, even when you start setting boundaries The paralyzing internal conflict of feeling selfish when you differentiate from mom With multiple awards, including Gold Medalist for Parenting & Relationships from The Global Book Awards, Katherine's book "The Good Daughter Syndrome" offers hope to those caught in these destructive dynamics. Whether you identify as a "good daughter" or simply want to understand the complex mother-daughter relationship, this conversation provides actionable insights for reclaiming your sovereignty and building a life that truly belongs to you. "When you wake up and realize you've been ceding your sovereignty to somebody else... it's incredibly empowering." - Katherine Fabrizio 00:00 Introduction and Announcements 01:35 Emotional Immaturity Epidemic 03:32 The Good Daughter Syndrome 08:12 Interview with Catherine Fabrizio 11:03 Catherine's Personal Journey 17:37 Understanding Narcissistic Dynamics 26:40 Setting Boundaries with Narcissistic Mothers 27:35 The Never Good Enough Trap 28:40 The Guilt Trap 29:11 Navigating Divorce and Co-Parenting 33:54 The Self-Doubt Trap 38:59 The Mixed Message Trap 46:23 Empowerment and Differentiation 48:53 Conclusion and Resources Are you constantly trying to please your mother but never feeling good enough? Do you take responsibility for her emotional well-being? If you've ever found yourself stuck in these patterns, this episode is essential listening — and men, don't skip this one! Host Tony Overbay discovered he might have a little "Good Daughter Syndrome" himself. In this illuminating conversation, psychotherapist Katherine Fabrizio https://daughtersrising.info/ shares her 35 years of experience working with daughters of difficult mothers, including her own journey breaking away from practicing therapy alongside her controlling mother. With refreshing candor and hard-earned wisdom, Katherine reveals: The four psychological traps that keep "good daughters" stuck: the never good enough trap, the guilt trap, the self-doubt trap, and the mixed message trap Why setting even small boundaries can provide crucial data about your relationship How to break free without it being a "zero-sum game" where someone must lose Why your mother's narcissistic defenses will protect her, even when you start setting boundaries The paralyzing internal conflict of feeling selfish when you differentiate from mom With multiple awards, including Gold Medalist for Parenting & Relationships from The Global Book Awards, Katherine's book "The Good Daughter Syndrome" offers hope to those caught in these destructive dynamics. Whether you identify as a "good daughter" or simply want to understand the complex mother-daughter relationship, this conversation provides actionable insights for reclaiming your sovereignty and building a life that truly belongs to you. "When you wake up and realize you've been ceding your sovereignty to somebody else... it's incredibly empowering." - Katherine Fabrizio 00:00 Introduction and Announcements 01:35 Emotional Immaturity Epidemic 03:32 The Good Daughter Syndrome 08:12 Interview with Catherine Fabrizio 11:03 Catherine's Personal Journey 17:37 Understanding Narcissistic Dynamics 26:40 Setting Boundaries with Narcissistic Mothers 27:35 The Never Good Enough Trap 28:40 The Guilt Trap 29:11 Navigating Divorce and Co-Parenting 33:54 The Self-Doubt Trap 38:59 The Mixed Message Trap 46:23 Empowerment and Differentiation 48:53 Conclusion and Resources

Ever wondered why your brilliant mind can solve complex problems at work but completely breaks down during relationship conflicts? That's because those emotional reactions that feel so instinctive aren't flaws—they're actually genius survival strategies that once kept you safe. In this transformative episode, we explore how black-and-white thinking, mind-reading expectations, and external validation seeking were perfect childhood adaptations that have now become relationship roadblocks. Through the groundbreaking insight that behaviors which perfectly served us in childhood often become the very patterns that sabotage our adult relationships, you'll finally understand why you keep falling into familiar emotional patterns despite your best intentions. This isn't just another episode about relationship struggles—it's a compassionate roadmap for emotional growth that honors both your wounded inner child and your emerging adult self. You'll discover how to recognize when you're in an emotional "hole" and why continuing to dig with familiar tools only takes you deeper. Most importantly, you'll learn how to pass the baton from your protective inner child to your capable adult self without shame or judgment. Whether you struggle with people-pleasing, emotional flooding, perfectionism, or control issues, this episode offers a strength-based approach to transform these patterns into mature responses that will revolutionize your relationships and bring a profound sense of internal peace. 00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview 00:23 Listener Email: Mark's Story 01:41 Understanding Emotional Immaturity 04:47 Exploring the Emotional Maturity Spectrum 08:47 Introducing the Emotional Architects Group 09:29 Narcissistic Personality Disorder vs. Emotional Immaturity 11:08 Dinner with Daniel: A Narcissistic Narrative 15:47 Stages of Emotional Maturity 26:18 Childhood Behaviors in Adult Bodies 32:45 Understanding Emotional Blueprints 33:07 Re-parenting with Compassion 33:32 Therapeutic Insights from Fiction 34:23 Frozen Moments and Adult Relationships 35:16 Childhood Adaptations in Adult Life 36:17 Exploring Childlike Behaviors in Adults 36:57 Navigating Emotional Development 41:34 Black or White Thinking 44:43 Magical Thinking in Relationships 47:46 Emotional Reasoning and Codependency 52:32 External Validation and Accountability 55:41 Mind Reading and Projection 01:01:32 Pattern Recognition and Familiarity 01:07:12 Path Toward Emotional Maturity 01:07:52 Conclusion and Next Steps

Have you ever found yourself wondering, How can someone possibly believe that? Or maybe you've questioned your own beliefs after bumping up against someone else's certainty? You're not alone. In this episode, Tony Overbay, LMFT, dives into the complexities of perception, truth, and emotional maturity. He explores how individuals often encounter differing viewpoints—especially in today’s social media-driven world—and how those experiences can lead to frustration, confusion, and even self-doubt. Using concepts like Umwelt and the importance of distinguishing between objective facts and subjective experiences, Tony offers insight into how each person’s unique background and personal history shape the way they see and move through the world. Through personal stories and reflections, he emphasizes the power of curiosity, empathy, and openness in building real, meaningful connections. Tony also shares parts of his own professional and spiritual journey, including the impact of his faith crisis, and how discomfort can often become a catalyst for deep personal growth. He reflects on the therapist-client relationship, unpacking the balance between professional boundaries and genuine emotional connection. And as always, Tony encourages listeners to embrace curiosity, hold healthy boundaries, and continue showing up as their most authentic selves. 00:00 Introduction: The Frustration of Misunderstanding 02:11 Exploring the Concept of 'Truth' 03:08 Host Introduction and Social Media Presence 04:21 Personal Story: Spinal Surgery Experience 05:26 Diving into the Topic of 'Truth' and Perception 07:15 The German Concept of Umwelt 12:22 Faith Journeys and Personal Perceptions 14:41 Emotional Maturity and Sense of Self 27:53 Job Interviews and Authenticity 32:13 Case Study: Spiritual Expectations 35:42 Thriving Without Sleep 35:52 The Faith Crisis Hits 35:59 Understanding the Pendulum Swing 36:15 Unique Faith Journeys 37:06 Embracing Personal Growth 37:25 The Beauty of Diverse Faith Outcomes 37:48 Navigating Faith Deconstruction 38:42 The Reframe: Moving Forward 38:53 Faith in Yourself and God 39:06 Riding Without Training Wheels 39:31 Respecting Different Journeys 40:04 The Hero's Journey 40:21 Helping Others Through Faith Crisis 40:56 Developing a Strong Sense of Self 41:29 Working with Faith Leaders 42:03 Emotional Immaturity in Faith Communities 42:41 The Power of Parables 43:14 Unspoken Pressures in Religious Settings 43:44 The Hypothetical Couple: Jack and Jill 45:59 Humanistic Therapy Principles 47:46 Intermittent Reinforcement and Trauma Bonding 48:58 The Four Pillars of a Connected Conversation 50:57 Separating Observations from Judgments 56:25 The Therapist's Emotional Journey 58:06 The Paradox of Therapy 01:02:11 Navigating Discomfort in Relationships 01:04:20 Concluding Thoughts and Encouragement

Have you ever found yourself behaving in ways you never thought possible—slamming doors, raising your voice, or saying hurtful things—after months or years of emotional manipulation? In today's powerful episode of "Waking Up to Narcissism," we explore the crucial distinction between true abuse and what's often mislabeled as "reactive abuse." Through compelling real-life scenarios and expert analysis, you'll discover why these reactions don't make you "just as bad" and how pathologically kind people often find themselves paired with emotionally immature partners in breakup-resistant relationships. What if the shame you feel about your reactions is actually keeping you trapped in harmful dynamics? Join us as we unpack how to recognize the difference between healthy kindness and self-erasure, identify patterns of emotional immaturity, and reclaim your narrative from those who benefit from your self-doubt. This episode offers not just understanding, but a transformative path forward for anyone who's ever looked in the mirror and wondered, "Have I become the very thing I feared?" 00:00 Introduction and Current Events 00:14 Emotional Immaturity in Everyday Life 03:07 Defining Emotional Maturity 04:46 The Persistence of Emotional Immaturity 07:28 Breaking the Cycle of Emotional Immaturity 09:38 A Real-Life Scenario: Sarah and Mike 13:58 Understanding Reactive Response 26:25 Pathological Kindness vs. Emotional Immaturity 35:42 Understanding Emotionally Immature Behaviors 36:22 The Human Magnet Syndrome 37:21 Codependency and Reactive Responses 38:51 Examples of Reactive Responses 46:10 The Cycle Leading to Reactive Responses 54:24 Differentiation and Balance 58:56 Reframing Reactive Responses 01:03:38 Conclusion and Final Thoughts If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com

In this episode of The Virtual Couch Presents: Waking Up to Narcissism, host Tony Overbay explores the transformative journey of healing from relationships with emotionally immature or narcissistic partners. With the popularity of the 'Death by a Thousand Cuts' series, Tony introduces a new perspective—'Growth by a Thousand Stitches.' The episode features real stories from listeners who have found strength and self-worth through small, impactful victories. Tony delves into various categories such as reclaiming simple joys, embracing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, and rediscovering personal identity. This episode is filled with hope, tangible steps towards healing, and inspiring testimonials that underscore the power of self-love and personal growth. Subscribe, share, and join Tony and his community on this journey of healing and transformation. 00:00 Introduction and Welcome 01:21 The Impact of 'Death by a Thousand Cuts' 05:08 Understanding Switzerland Friends 09:15 The Healing Journey Begins 14:51 Reclaiming Simple Joys 16:57 Physical and Emotional Self-Care 18:52 Creating Safe Spaces 20:44 Building New Relationships 21:55 The Power of Boundaries 23:31 Rediscovering Identity 24:19 Finding Joy in Forbidden Activities 26:12 Embracing Imperfection 27:14 Processing Emotions 28:57 Creating New Traditions 29:30 Building Self-Trust 32:32 Learning to Take Up Space 33:26 Embracing Spiritual and Personal Growth 33:55 Finding Strength in Community 35:27 Creating New Measures of Success 36:17 Embracing Self-Care Without Guilt 38:57 Setting Healthy Boundaries 40:01 Finding Joy in the Present 40:27 Conclusion: The Journey of Healing If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com

Have you ever been told you're 'too sensitive' or that you need to ‘get over it,’ or ‘don’t worry about it,’ but that only causes you to worry more, or feel less connected to others, or even yourself? Or have you been told that your sensitivity must mean you're on the autism spectrum? Or are you on the autisim spectrum and can you also identify with many of the characteristics of Highly Sensitive People? With over 2.2 million views and hundreds of comments on recent viral videos about Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), it's clear this topic strikes a nerve. Drawing from his experience working with both HSPs and individuals with ASD, Tony dives deep into why these distinct experiences are often confused - and why understanding the difference isn't just interesting, it's essential for creating a more empathetic world. Through viral video statistics, personal anecdotes, and real-world examples, he breaks down how HSPs (representing 15-20% of the population) and individuals with ASD navigate life differently. From sensory processing to social dynamics, discover why that deep emotional processing might actually be an evolutionary advantage rather than a disorder. Along the way, the discussion explores how ADHD and NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) intersect with these experiences. This episode provides crucial insights into recognizing, understanding, and supporting both HSPs and individuals with ASD. Whether questioning your own experiences or trying to better understand someone else's, listeners will find the clarity and validation they've been seeking. Perfect for anyone who's ever felt misunderstood about their sensitivity or confused about where they fit in the neurodiversity spectrum. Join Tony for an eye-opening discussion that might just change how you see yourself - or someone you love." 00:00 Welcome and Introduction 00:30 The Viral Video on Highly Sensitive People 01:04 Behind the Scenes: Social Media Stats 02:05 Addressing Misconceptions and Personal Insights 03:26 A Personal Anecdote: The Butterfly Bandage 04:12 Responding to Drive-By Comments 04:29 Understanding Highly Sensitive People (HSP) vs Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) 07:27 Story Time: Sarah and Michael's Interaction 18:57 The Evolutionary Purpose of High Sensitivity 21:39 Traits and Characteristics of Highly Sensitive People 29:17 Challenges Faced by Highly Sensitive People 33:59 The Importance of Curiosity and Understanding 35:30 Understanding Human Uniqueness 36:22 Fascinating Facts About Human Preferences 37:22 The Complexity of Sensitivity 39:20 Exploring Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) 40:49 Comparing HSP and ASD Sensory Experiences 54:50 Social Interactions: HSP vs. ASD 01:00:47 Nonverbal Communication Differences 01:04:26 Emotional Energy and Social Fatigue 01:08:05 Final Thoughts and Listener Engagement

Have you ever tried selling a grand piano on Facebook Marketplace? Our latest episode of the Q&A Files kicks off with some personal tales of downsizing and the hilarious adventures that come with it. Join us as Trisha Jamison, a board-certified functional nutritionist, and Tony Overbay, a licensed marriage and family therapist and seasoned podcaster from The Virtual Couch, and Waking Up To Narcissism, discuss these issues for Tony's podcast, The Virtual Couch. Trisha and Tony discuss emotional immaturity and narcissistic traits and offer a path to healthier relationships. We share our own journeys of growth and healing to show how. This episode delves into the challenges of navigating emotionally complex relationships and the power of validation. Whether dealing with resistance from a partner or unlocking the transformative potential of self-awareness, our candid discussions aim to provide fresh perspectives and practical strategies for listeners who might be walking similar paths. Join us next time as we discuss how to keep your relationships fresh by talking to a newlywed couple who are just as cute as can be! Follow the Q&A Files Podcast on Spotify https://open.spotify.com/show/1k2Oh4rY9VCp1tVeu14dxk?si=a39537613900475b Apple Podcasts https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-q-a-files/id1730736061 or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Tony welcomes Ashlynn Allen to the podcast. Ashlynn shares her journey from fitness influencer to betrayal trauma survivor to empowerment coach and highlights the strength of facing life’s challenges with authenticity and courage. Once part of the very successful “The Betrayed, the Addicted, and the Expert,” Ashlynn’s story as the betrayal played out on the public stage only to surprisingly end in her ex-husband asking her for a divorce. She shares what it took to survive betrayal, navigate a divorce, and find an unexpected new chapter in life. Tony and Ashlynn dive deep into topics such as the messy parts of healing, the importance of vulnerability, and letting go of the need for certainty. Ashlynn also talks about how she found joy in roller skating and built a new relationship despite initial reservations. She also shares a powerful metaphor of how a buffalo weathers a storm. Tune in for this inspiring conversation about resilience, growth, and the power of facing life's storms head-on. You can learn more about Ashlynn at https://thisisashlynn.com/ or on Instagram @this.isashlynn 00:00 Introduction and Special Guest Announcement 00:15 Ashlyn Allen's Journey: From Fitness Influencer to Empowerment Coach 00:30 Meeting Ashlyn: The Beginning of a Transformative Friendship 00:44 Navigating Betrayal and Personal Growth 00:59 Ashlyn's Coaching Practice and Public Vulnerability 01:12 The Power of Sharing and Finding Joy in Healing 01:31 Deep Dive: Ashlyn's Experience with Betrayal Trauma 01:57 The Challenges and Rewards of Vulnerability 02:35 Tony and Ashlyn Reconnect: Reflecting on Past Collaborations 02:44 Ashlyn's Story: From Betrayal to Empowerment 05:27 The Impact of Public Vulnerability and Social Media 08:49 Therapy, Coaching, and the Journey to Healing 11:50 The Reality of Helping Others Through Personal Experience 13:15 The Emotional Toll of Public Vulnerability 18:08 The End of a Marriage: Acceptance and Growth 22:49 Finding Peace and Moving Forward 25:49 The Power of Surrender and Acceptance 28:28 Navigating Betrayal and Emotional Turmoil 31:40 The Roller Coaster of Healing and Self-Care 36:44 Embracing New Relationships and Personal Growth 42:38 Facing Life's Storms: The Buffalo Story 47:08 Conclusion and Final Thoughts Find more from Tony Overbay: Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/virtualcouch TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@virtualcouch Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/virtual.couch/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tonyoverbaylmft/ Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-virtual-couch/id1275153998 Website: https://www.tonyoverbay.com/ Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com

Tony explores the complex dynamics of narcissism and emotional immaturity in a special “Holiday Edition” of the “Death By a Thousand Cuts” series. Through stories shared by listeners, Tony delves into how such behaviors can overshadow festive occasions, creating a lingering emotional toll. He also highlights the importance of awareness and growth, encouraging listeners to participate in healthier, more fulfilling holiday traditions. Featuring a unique narrative inspired by 'Twas the Night Before Christmas,' written by Claude AI, this episode sheds light on the subtleties of narcissistic manipulation and control during what are typically hoped to be seen as celebratory times. 00:00 A Twisted Christmas Tale 02:36 Introduction and Welcome 02:52 Announcements and Updates 04:19 Listener Stories: Holiday Struggles 06:39 Story 1: Control and Manipulation 12:12 Story 2: The Christmas Face 16:34 Story 3: The Dream Trip Conflict 20:35 Story 4: Missing Milestones 27:17 Story 5: Passive Aggressive Holidays 34:22 Story 6: Inappropriate Gifts 36:21 Reflections and Closing Thoughts Find more from Tony Overbay: Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/virtualcouch TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@virtualcouch Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/virtual.couch/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tonyoverbaylmft/ Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-virtual-couch/id1275153998 Website: https://www.tonyoverbay.com/ Link Tree: https://linktr.ee/virtualcouch If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com

Are you tired of the endless pursuit of perfection? Do you question why your self-esteem seems more tied to others' opinions than your own self-worth? In this transformative episode, Tony explores the crucial difference between self-esteem and self-compassion, drawing from Dr. Kristin Neff's groundbreaking research. Through personal experiences and scientific insights, Tony challenges our cultural obsession with self-esteem, revealing why the constant pressure to be "above average" creates an impossible and unhealthy standard for well-being. Learn how self-compassion offers a more sustainable path to genuine self-acceptance through its three core components: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Tony delves into the fascinating neuroscience behind mindfulness practices, explaining how they physically rewire our brain for greater emotional regulation and self-awareness. Drawing from Viktor Frankl's profound insights as a Holocaust survivor and author of "Man's Search for Meaning," Tony illustrates how finding meaning in our struggles can transform our relationship with ourselves and others. This episode provides both the scientific framework and practical tools needed to develop self-compassion in daily life. Whether you struggle with perfectionism, find yourself caught in comparison traps, or simply want to develop a more stable sense of self-worth, you'll discover why self-compassion offers all the benefits of high self-esteem without its potential downsides. Join Tony as he shares actionable strategies for transforming your relationship with yourself and finding peace in the simple truth that you're not broken - you're human. 00:00 Introduction and Personal Story 01:46 The Therapist's Dilemma: Hope vs. Reality 04:33 Exploring Self-Esteem and Self-Compassion 07:01 The Impact of Comparison and External Validation 11:02 Value-Based Goal Setting and Radical Acceptance 13:08 Parental Support and Secure Attachment 15:25 Listener Insights on Self-Esteem 16:32 Embracing Self-Compassion 23:22 Seeking Validation and Self-Compassion 24:16 Confessions of an Ultramarathoner 26:18 Accepting Mediocrity in Running 29:19 The Power of Self-Compassion 33:25 Mindfulness and Self-Kindness 35:19 A Personal Podcasting Challenge 39:21 Viktor Frankl's Wisdom on Meaning 45:23 The Journey of Self-Compassion

Tony Overbay, LMFT, explores how seemingly minor slights and manipulations in relationships can accumulate to cause significant emotional harm. Welcome to the 8th installment of Waking Up to Narcissism’s “Death by 1,000 Cuts” series. In this episode, Tony delves deep into the subtle yet severe world of emotional abuse. Whether you're dealing with a narcissistic partner, emotionally immature family members, or challenging work colleagues, this episode is full of relatable stories and practical advice to help you understand and navigate these treacherous waters. Tony shares listener-submitted poems and limericks that perfectly capture the pain and frustration of enduring countless small but stinging slights. He also shares personal anecdotes and listener stories to illustrate how these seemingly minor offenses can pile up, causing significant emotional damage over time. Discover invaluable strategies for maintaining your emotional health, such as self-compassion, differentiating yourself emotionally, and setting healthy boundaries. You'll also learn the importance of documenting behavior patterns and trusting your gut feelings to reclaim your reality and foster your healing journey. Find more from Tony Overbay: TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@virtualcouch Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/virtual.couch/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tonyoverbaylmft/ Apple Podcast: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-virtual-couch/id1275153998 Website: https://www.tonyoverbay.com/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/virtualcouch Stream Riley Hope's song 'Not My Job' and follow her on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/musicbyrileyhope/ 00:00 Deathbycuts8 07:13 Introduction and Acknowledgements 08:06 Listener Contributions: Poems and Limericks 09:13 Understanding Emotional Cuts in Relationships 09:33 Host Introduction and Podcast Overview 11:36 The Free Throw Analogy: Preparation vs. Real Life 16:44 Applying Relationship Skills in Real Life 24:30 Listener Stories: Death by a Thousand Cuts 31:21 Roommate Frustrations 31:46 Financial Manipulation 32:21 Co-Parenting Conflicts 32:55 Family Event Disruptions 33:43 Emotional Immaturity in Relationships 42:03 Professional Sabotage 45:00 Phone Surveillance 47:08 Achievement Diminishment 48:07 Weaponized Routines 48:45 Financial Manipulation Revisited 50:30 Co-Parenting Undermining 51:09 Recognizing Patterns of Control 54:16 The Importance of Self-Compassion

Ever wonder why a narcissist seems to feed off your emotional pain? Do you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth in relationships while the other person maintains the upper hand? Tony Overbay, LMFT, discusses the complexities of narcissistic relationships and emotional immaturity. Tony explores concepts like the false self, the one-up, one-down dynamic, and antagonistic attachment styles in depth. He uncovers how narcissistic traits manifest in relationships, causing deep emotional trauma and affecting whole families. Learn about the destructive patterns of predation, competition, and parasitism in narcissistic behavior from the article “Understanding the Narcissists Antagonisitic Attachment Style” by Julie Hall, creator of “The Narcissist Family Files” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202107/understanding-the-narcissists-antagonistic-attachment-style Tony shares insights on reclaiming your sense of self by recognizing these unhealthy dynamics. Special thanks to Riley Hope for her song 'Not My Job,' which serves as the show's anthem. You find Riley Hope's "Not My Job" streaming information here: https://linktr.ee/rileyhopematlock 00:00 Introduction and Welcome 00:43 Listener's Question on Narcissism 01:39 Understanding Narcissistic Behavior 04:15 Exploring Narcissistic Relationships 05:26 Antagonistic Attachment Style 15:23 One-Up, One-Down Dynamics 18:56 Real-Life Examples of Narcissistic Patterns 24:17 Introduction to Human Attachment 24:42 Secure vs. Antagonistic Attachment 25:55 Predatory Relationships 29:57 Narcissistic Competition 33:18 Parasitic Dynamics 33:49 Coercion and Control 40:18 The Mask of Narcissism 42:57 The Ripple Effect of Narcissistic Abuse 45:02 Empowerment and Healing 47:54 Conclusion and Next Episode Preview