The Boys Are Online

I'm a fiiiiiiiiend, I can't help it Not really, women scare me. Have you seen how they look? With their pretty eyes and their butts. Terrifying. Maybe that's why I want a big tiddy goth gf. Girls are already scary, may as well get one that's trying to be. Is this relatable content? Am I likeable? Tell me I'm likeable, guys. Tame my insecurities. I didn't sleep much last night so I feel like this one's going off the rails a bit. Enjoy the show

We really don't, but we pretend we do. Because even though they pretend to hate it, what women really want is a man who talks loudly about what women want. They say they want you to listen to them, but really they want you to be obtuse and ignore their perspective. I know this to be the case because I understand women

I don't know who needs to hear this, but coke off the balls don't work so good. And for the algorithms reading this description, I'm talking about COCA COLA and BASKETBALLS (I'm not, but those idiot robots don't need to know that) Enjoy

My sister sends me 100 instagram reels a day, but the quality is very hit and miss. I'll be taking a shit, going through my dms, and the first one will be a video of a leopard brutally mauling a baby gazelle, and I'm like nice, this is a good shit rn. But then the next one will be Paul Rudd singing about his tiny beanie with Jimmy Fallon, and then I'm like "okay if you ever send me anything that gay ever again, I swear to god I will molest your kids" I mean know your audience, jesus christ.  And then she'll follow that up with a Matt Walsh video, I'm not trying to have a politics infused shit, keep that nonsense on twitter. Why am I telling you this? Idk, I just wish she'd do a better job that's all

He was the most charming meth-head of all time if you think about it. The man was downright dreamy. Must've been, to get all those Germans to be so passionate. I mean have you met a German? They're not very emotional people, but he got them pumped up.  I'm not saying he was a good dude, but he was the best dude he could be. At least according to my cohost

Listen, we just like to think about things okay? FBI? We swear. It's just interesting to think about like how stuff works. Also I'm an optimizer. That's what I like to do. Give me a problem I optimize it. God, I'm gonna get raided aren't I. Guess it's a good thing I don't have a dog

At the end of the day that's what it's all about, init? At the end of the day, whether you're left or right, we can all agree that we wanna see Pelosi's left and right. And I think that's beautiful in its own way

This week I test the limits of how far I can stray from the mic and still have you people listen. Straight up hard scoping that bitch. Throwing on the 11x magnification, clicking in the thumbstick to slow my breathing waiting for the perfect moment, and then squeezing that trigger like I'm Chris Kyle.  Me and my mic are going 1v1 on Rust, and I intend to win

Ooh girl I'd like to chromo-bone you, gat damn.  Listen, they can't all be winners. And who cares, the line doesn't need to be any good if the girl is literally retarded.  It doesn't need to any good because I would never use it. I would never hit on a girl with down syndrome. My self esteem already can't handle all the rejection from normal women. Uhh enjoy the podcast I guess. This was a weird description wasn't it

I should write marketing materials for GoW. Or be the reviewer at IGN who they pay to call it amazing. I mean c'mon, "Good of War"? How clever is that? You'd buy the game based on my fraudulent review wouldn't you? WOULDN'T YOU? Whatever, watch the show

Burping in the mic - Doop doop doop doo Burping in the mic - Doodly doop doop doo Yeah I'm just here, burping in the mic cus I'm a mic burper

You wanted air? Sorry, we killed it. Murdered. Dead and gone. Enjoy your air corpse, dorks I don't know why that was so aggressive. I'm tired okay

We figured out who runs the Beyblades. Little hint, they run lots of other stuff too. That's all I'll say. Listen in to find out the truth they don't want you to know

Bartard captain america. That's the next movie. I'm calling it now. He shows up to the stupid flying battleship thing just stumbling all over himself, listening to garbage trap music, banging his cousin.  I don't know why he's banging his cousin. I just remember reading a story on reddit one time where this guy did xanax and then woke up next to his cousin the next day. And then I read like 10 more identical stories. So either reddit is full of weirdos, or xanax is FUN. I mean bad. Xanax is bad. Hey how about you just enjoy the show now

Oh yeah baby slurp that schloopy goodness. Suckle on my scroggle you dirty dirty girl. Oh you like that don't you, you little spreeg Sorry, that was a new language we invented. That translates roughly to "yo what's up?"

Listen. I'm exhausted from writing what I believe to be my greatest work. It was the description for the first half of this episode, and it was beautiful.   So now I'm feeling very drained, so for this description I'm just going to list all the numbers I can think of before I get bored.    1 38 69 2

I love old country. It never gets enough credit. That stuff talks about what's real. Problems that real people deal with. Like peeing. All over your bedroom. Boy I'll tell ya, some days I wake up and there's pee bein flung all about m'bedroom, cuz in the middle of the night, I somehow distributed it across m'bedroom fan. Those are the days I'm glad for old school country, cuz back in those days folks made real music about just that kinda thing.  Or how bout this'un. You ever spend weeks wonderin where that smell is comin from as it gets stronger'n stronger? Then one day you say "dagnabit smell, I'm figurin you!" So you chase it down, only to discover that all yer dresser drawers'r filled to the brim with piss. Little ole' you's been sleep pissin again. Y'won't hear no jazz musician singin bout that. Or lasso up this relatable tidbit, cowboy. You ever spend years fightin deterioratin health? Teeth a yellowin, hair departin, aint had a solid poo in months? Gets so bad yer fixin to write a will? You go to the town apothecary, ya talk to yer preacher, you even consider cuttin back on Marlboros. Just when you think yer time is up, yer ole lady catches you in the middle a the night, guzzlin yer own lemon water. And I'll be a monkeys uncle, turns out covering yer mouth at night solves ya. Well aint no other genre what writes about a scenario as personally humbin as that. No other genre than country.

Just think, when you do drugs, you're seeing what Britney Spears sees ALL the time. I know, I know, how is my crazy person reference still Britney Spears? I'm not even old, I just act like I am. And then because I also look old, actual old people (like in their 30s, gross) make references toward me, assuming I'm their age. And then we have to have an awkward moment where I'm like "yeah I'm 24", which makes them feel bad because it reminds them that they're old and gross, and it makes me feel bad because it reminds me that I LOOK old and gross. What were we talking about? 

"My gay son" was actually an unreleased episode of scrubs, where JD's infant son gets admitted to the hospital just absolutely covered in bruises. The other doctors start questioning him, but JD steps in like "Why are you questioning an infant, idiots? He's bruised because I beat him. The little f***** wanted to wear a PINK DRESS" and then they go through some hijinks, which ultimately end up teaching everyone a very important lesson about judgment and love, and the show ends with a heartfelt voiceover by JD, who has grown a lot in twenty minutes.  The kid totally dies though, you can't really beat infants. But Turk does a funny dance, so you don't feel too sad about it

It's like 7 minutes in heaven, but less, and worse.  You walk away from one with a story about how you kissed your cousin at a house party, and you walk away from the other with a story about how you got herpes from your cousin at a house party.  Honestly, if you think about it, if you're gonna get an std, you may as well get it from your cousin. It's already gross, may as well lean into the skid and make being gross your identity. I mean that's what I did with being bald, and I only look up toupees like twice a week, so I'm clearly happy!