Become A Calm Mama

Today, I’ve invited Dr. Sarah Bren to talk to us about attachment, knowing whether or not we have a secure attachment with our kids, and how to maintain that secure attachment through the process of repair. You’ll Learn:Why emotional health and achievement don’t have to be an either/or (and which one often leads to the other)Why repair is so important - and how to do it rightA time I (recently) blew up over a bathing suit and had to do some repairThe most impactful skill you can learn for better relationshipsYou’ll get some really practical tips about how to actually say sorry and make amends and talk to your kids when there's been a rupture in your relationship. I know you’re going to love this conversation and the confidence you feel when your attachment with your kids is strong.-------------------------------------------------Dr. Sarah Bren is a clinical psychologist and a mom of two. She has dedicated her career to translating the science of attachment into simple, real-life strategies for parents wanting to support healthy child development while not losing sight of their own mental health along the way. She is also the co-founder and clinical director of Upshur Bren Psychology Group in Pelham, NY, where she and her team of highly specialized therapists work with parents, children, and families.  What Is Secure Attachment?Dr. Sarah defines attachment as an instinct to form a bond that allows for physical and emotional proximity to a caregiver. It’s biological and increases our chances of survival as a species. She says, “We’re hardwired to create these relational bonds.”Everyone attaches, but attachment science looks to the quality of that attachment relationship. Basically, secure attachment happens when a child believes that the parent will consistently and reliably meet their basic survival needs most of the time. This includes needs like food, sleep, warmth, and safety. Attachment MythsDr. Sarah says that many parents are quite anxious about the attachment relationship with their kids. Here are a few myths you can stop worrying about right now. Myth #1: Attachment is fragile. It can feel like the stakes are really high when it comes to creating a secure attachment with your child. The good news is, “It's not that fragile of a system. Not every single move you make is going to make or break an attachment relationship. It's a pretty robust system.” Dr. Sarah says that secure attachment is actually the default. Our job is to not actively derail it.  Myth #2: If there’s friction in the relationship, your attachment is not secure. Smooth sailing is not a requirement for a secure attachment. You won’t always get along, and there will be friction sometimes. You’ll still need to hold limits. You’ll still upset your child, and you’ll be frustrated by them sometimes, too. In fact, when your kid is really mad and throwing their vilest muck at you, it’s actually a sign that they feel safe in the relationship. They know you’re not going anywhere.  Myth #3: Attachment is fixed. If you experienced insecure attachment as a child, you’re doomed. Dr. Sarah explains that our initial attachment relationships create a sort of blueprint that we then use to anticipate how other people will receive us, respond to us, and meet our needs in the future. Fortunately, attachment is not fixed. While early experiences are important, the blueprint is also a...

When my kids were little, I came up with a routine that I called “The 5 Things”. Basically, I decided on five things that my kids needed to do before school every morning - the non-negotiables. Today, you’ll learn how to create and follow through on your own morning and bedtime routines. You’ll Learn:What The 5 Things are and how to use this tool to create simple routines for your kidsWhy The 5 Things helps kids think for themselvesHow to adapt the tool to bedtime or other routines in your familyBarking orders, reminding over and over, and rushing kids does not set you up for a good morning or the gentle handoff we want. The 5 Things is a way to create a simple routine kids can remember and complete on their own (with a little practice, of course).----------------------------------------What Are The 5 Things?In our house, The 5 Things were:Get dressedBrush your teethEat breakfastGet your lunchbox and backpackPut on your socks and shoesAbout five minutes before it was time to leave, I would stand at the door, look them in the eyeballs, and say, “Okay, it’s time to leave. Have you done your five things?”If they hadn’t done them all yet or if they looked at me with a confused, blank stare, I’d try to coach them through in a way that required them to do their own thinking. You can just hold out your 5 fingers and help them go through and tick them down together. I LOVE this video from @sprinkleinlearning showing a similar morning routine in action.Choosing Your 5 ThingsYour 5 Things don’t have to be exactly the same as mine. In the video, you’ll see that the little girl is already dressed, and her 5 Things are backpack, water, lunch, shoes, and jacket. There are a few areas here where I have some thoughts…Water bottles - I never really cared about my kids taking a water bottle to school. They were welcome to fill up a bottle and put it in their backpack anytime, but it wasn’t something I was going to manage for them. Breakfast - There are lots of differing opinions about eating breakfast in the morning. In our house, I always had breakfast available for a certain period of time (e.g. 7:00-7:40 am). This allowed me to have things cleaned up and put away before we had to leave for school. I deeply believe that a hungry belly is the best teacher when you want kids to learn to eat right. Their brain will start to connect the dots of, “I was hungry today, and it didn’t feel good. So I’m going to eat my breakfast tomorrow.”Most young kids also end up having some kind of snack early in the day, so they likely won’t be hungry for long. If you’re really concerned about your kid eating because they need to take medication that requires food, etc., you can have a granola bar or smoothie set up that they can eat in the car. Jackets - If you live somewhere with cold weather, and your child needs a jacket, don’t overthink it. It can get clumped in with putting on socks and shoes. Often my kids would come home with their sweatshirts in their backpacks (we live in California, so not a lot of cold weather), so I would have them keep the sweatshirt near the backpack so it was ready to go the next day.Why The 5 Things WorksThe biggest thing I like about The 5 Things is that it requires kids to do their own thinking. They have to memorize what is required of them in order to go to school. It will take some time for kids to internalize this. What I love so much about the video with the lights (you could also use a checklist or other tool) is that it starts to...

This one simple practice that I call “Eyeballs” can make your afternoons easier and add powerful connection to anytime you reunite with your child. It only takes a few seconds and very little effort, but I know it will make a huge difference in your home.You’ll Learn:What the Eyeballs tool is and how to use it (it’s gonna change your life!)Why connection doesn’t have to be complicatedMy favorite phrase for reuniting with my kidsI love this so much because your child wants to be seen by you. They desperately want to feel loved, accepted, and safe. And they get this from you when you simply take a moment to acknowledge them and say hello.--------------------------------------------------Moments of Reunion MatterA moment of reunion can happen anytime you’ve been apart from your child. Maybe it’s first thing in the morning, when they get home from school, or after a sporting event or play date. When you are truly present in moments of reunion, it sets up the rest of your time together in a way that feels connected and calming. It feels good to be greeted warmly. Think about when you walk up to a hostess in a restaurant or check in for an appointment. How much nicer is it when they make eye contact, smile, and welcome you? It makes you feel lighter, more compliant, and you probably smile back. This is the kind of moment you’re trying to create with your kid. Especially at the end of the school day, kids are really tired. They’re waiting for that moment when they can relax and decompress. It’s time for them to take a deep exhale, and they want you to be a part of it.  How To Do EyeballsEyeballs is all about connection. I call this strategy Eyeballs because I think it’s funny 😆. But it’s also more than just eye contact. It’s looking into your kid’s eyes and looking past the surface, a little bit deeper. In fact, one of the biggest reasons I love looking into my kids’ eyes is because it makes me remember that I like them. I remember who they really are at their core and all the things that are great about them. Here’s how to do it:Pause what you’re doing. Even if you’re talking to another mom at school pickup, say, “Hey, I’m going to greet my kid real quick.” If you’re folding laundry or doing other chores when your child comes through the door, put it down. Look your child in the eyes and actually look at them. Notice who they are. If you have little kids, squat down to eye level. This can be harder if you have to go through a carpool lane (which often feels so hectic), but it only takes a second to turn around and look at your child while they’re buckling their seat belt. Greet them with a smile. Say something like, “Hi, I missed you,” “I’ve been thinking about you,” “I’m so glad you’re here,” or “I can’t wait to hear about your day.” Wait to get into transactional conversation like homework, water bottles, afternoon activity plans, etc. until after you’ve done this Eyeball reunion.  Why It WorksIf you show up in the school carpool line and you're still on the phone and you are distracted and you're stressed out about dinner, it’s really difficult for you kid. No judgment - we’ve all been there!Kids need a chance to reset their nervous system after school and connect back to home life. They need a little bit of a transition. If your child doesn’t get that reset and is dysregulated, you’re going to see more misbehavior, complaining, arguing, sibling fights, etc.But when you do that little bit of connection with your kid, they tend to not need to get attention from you...

In today’s short and sweet episode, I’m giving you two simple strategies for better mornings (which I know you can use now that school is back in session!). You’ll Learn:The most important thing about morningsHow to make a gentle handoff to school, daycare, or campWhat to do first when you see your kid in the morningHow to get back on track after a rough momentI show you how to help your kids get physically and emotionally ready for their day.----------------------------------------------When I think about a kid getting ready for school in the morning, I imagine that they are armoring up. No matter how great their school is or how much they love their teacher and their friends, school is stressful for kids. They have to think, listen, and deal with other kids (and their behaviors). They have to do things on a schedule that isn’t always the way they want it, and there are a lot of expectations on them. This isn’t a bad thing, but it is a lot of work for them.So we want to help facilitate and support them as they get physically and emotionally ready for their day. Strategy #1: The Gentle HandoffThe “handoff” is that moment when you drop your child off at school, daycare, camp, wherever they’re going for the day. From the time my kids were young up to this very day, my goal when I’m dropping them off anywhere is to deliver the most emotionally regulated human being that I can to that activity. That means that I have created an environment for my kids that is emotionally regulated. We’re not in chaotic, frantic, stressed energy. …Which means I have to be in my calm energy. Here are some ways to work toward a gentle handoff.  Prioritize Emotional RegulationOur kids borrow our energy. So whatever energy you’re in (chaotic or calm) will transfer to your child. The key to prioritizing your emotional regulation and your kid’s emotional regulation is to start your day gently.Some simple ways to do this are:Spend a few minutes silently breathing when you wake upStretch your bodyMake a cup of coffee or teaDelay checking email, social media, or the news if these are likely to stress you out DelayIf possible, delay the other non-kid stuff until after dropoff. If messages, problems, or stress come up, tell yourself, “I’m going to have to deal with this. But I’m going to deal with it later, because my goal is to deliver the most emotionally regulated person I can to school today.” Know Your CuesWe all have cues that we’re getting dysregulated. When you know what yours are, you can pause before things get too far off.Some of the clues I see when I’m getting dysregulated are:Talking a lotBarking commandsGetting quiet and just barreling through, trying to do everything on my ownPhysical tension or sensations in my chest and belly (these signs tend to come later)Yelling is also a good indicator that you’re dysregulated. Because if you’re yelling, you’re not calm. Period. If you have a rough moment or yell at your kid. see if you can do a little repair on the way to school or while you’re waiting for the bus. You may not be ready to take full accountability, but just recognizing that you lost your cool will help. Try saying something like, “Whoa, sorry. That was a rough morning. I got out of control of my emotions a little. We’re going to do better tomorrow.” Say GoodbyeI know this isn’t always possible, but when it is, little kids really benefit from having you park and walk them toward the school.

If you’ve ever known anyone who’s going through a divorce, if you’re considering divorce yourself, or are in the early stages of making that decision, this episode on surviving divorce is for you. My guest today is Certified Divorce Coach® Laila Aitken Ali. Laila is known as the Split Coach, and she helps people (especially parents) to restructure their lives and relationships post-breakup so they don't get stuck in old dynamics and reactive patterns.You’ll Learn:The first thing to focus on when you learn or decide that you’re getting a divorce (it’s probably not what you think)How to create clear boundaries and effective communication with your co-parentThe powerful word Laila likes to use when talking to kids about the end of a marriageWhy you are all your child needs to thrive post-divorceWe’re talking all about how to take care of yourself and frame the situation for your kids, as well as support people in your life who are dealing with separation and divorce.-------------------------------------Laila is also the co-founder of Split.fyi, a digital platform and supportive community helping people move through divorce, co-parenting, and major life transitions with clarity, confidence, and strategy. Laila’s work is deeply personal. She went through her own divorce while pregnant, and that raw, life-altering experience pushed her to build the very kind of support she wished she had - one rooted in emotional truth, practical tools, and human connection. That journey shaped her mission: to help others navigate the emotional chaos of separation while creating structure, strategy, and a new sense of self along the way.She’s known for her warm, no-BS approach and her fierce belief that breakdowns can become powerful turning points - which you know I love! The First StepsWhen a marriage ends—especially when kids are involved—the experience can be deeply overwhelming, emotional, and disorienting. If you're facing the start of a divorce, whether the decision was yours or not, it’s easy to get swept up in shock, fear, and a rush to fix everything right now.Laila describes it as feeling completely “sideswiped”. One moment you think you know your life’s direction. The next you’re questioning everything, from how you’ll manage parenting alone to where you’ll live and how you’ll support yourself.The key takeaway in these first days? Press pause on “doing” and prioritize your own wellbeing. Yes, your kid is always first and foremost. But sometimes, that looks like doing what’s best for you so that you can show up for them.Laila says, “You have to think about things in all aspects. But you can’t think about them all at once.” The first thing you should deal with is not money, not custody arrangements - it’s your wellbeing. The divorce process moves slowly, and you actually have a lot of time. Because when you are in fight-or-flight mode, you’re not able to make clear, healthy decisions. You’ve got to deal with the thoughts and feelings that are coming up, like blaming the other person, thinking that you’ve failed, feeling angry, sad, or afraid.Just like grieving people are advised to avoid major life moves in the immediate aftermath, with divorce, there’s wisdom in allowing yourself some breathing room instead of forcing immediate, big decisions.This is when you give yourself lots of grace and permission to focus on just being okay. And don’t personalize. It’s normal for one or both people in a divorce situation to be hurt and grieving. And hurt people often hurt people. When your ex is pushing against your...

Today on Become A Calm Mama, we’re continuing our conversation from last week about The Drama Triangle. This week, we’re diving deeper into a healthier model, The Empowerment Dynamic (TED). You’ll Learn:Unhelpful stories that you might be telling yourself right nowHow our thoughts and beliefs become our reality (and how to use this to your advantage)Questions to ask yourself to determine which roles you fall into mostHow to shift yourself and your family from drama to empowermentWhich roles I default to most and whyIn this episode, you’ll learn HOW to actually switch roles and shift into this healthier dynamic. This is one of those episodes where you may want to grab your journal, answer some questions, and work through where these roles are showing up in your own family. ----------------------------------------In The Empowerment Dynamic, the roles shift from…Victim → CreatorPersecutor → ChallengerRescuer → CoachShifting Into The Empowerment DynamicWe all take on different roles at different times. It’s normal to switch between them (even within a short period of time). But my guess is that there are a couple that you do most often. The challenge for you is to figure out how you act and why. Victim → CreatorBecoming a Creator is about getting creative with how you want to respond to life’s challenges. It is inevitable that we will all experience sadness, pain, and misfortune. But you get to choose the way you look at and respond to these obstacles when they arise.The Victim has a “poor me” mindset. They don't really believe in their own power. They don't take responsibility for the circumstances that they find themselves in. They feel very helpless and trapped, doubt their own capabilities, and look to others to solve their problems for them.You can see how it would be easy for our kids to fall into this role. They’re young, and little, and they do need our help. But there are ways to provide that help and guidance without being a helicopter parent or bulldozing a smooth road for them (which does nothing to help their self-confidence).If you think you or your child might be in a victim mindset, ask:Do you feel helpless?Do you feel like you have power here? Like you can do something about this situation?In the Empowerment Dynamic, we want to shift from the role of Victim into the role of Creator. This shift develops resilience and confidence.The Creator wants to create and be their best self. A creator thinks things like, “I'm good enough. I get to choose how to respond to my life,” and, “I am capable. I have the ability to take care of myself,” and, “I can trust myself. I know that I am worthy of trust.”You can help your child make this shift to believing in their abilities by affirming that:I know you are strong.I believe in your ability to figure this out.This is hard right now, but I know you’re going to be okay.Don’t bypass the feelings. Validate their emotion, show your support, and ask, “What do you want to do now? How do you want to handle this?”If you are in a victim mindset yourself, think about how you can get what you want in a healthy way. Think about times in the past when you have overcome challenges and feel gratitude for your strength in those moments. Persecutor → ChallengerThe shift from viewing someone as a Persecutor requires you to look at them from a more neutral place. Rather than seeing them as “the bad guy”, you see the circumstance as a challenge that you can overcome.And if you are showing up as a Persecutor, this shift...

Today, we’re digging into the concept of the Drama Triangle (which you can probably guess is something you don’t want to be stuck in). I’m talking all about what the Drama Triangle is and how it shows up in parenting.You’ll Learn:What the Drama Triangle is and why you don’t want to get stuck thereExamples of how the Drama Triangle shows up in familiesA new model to help you shift out of the drama and into empowermentMy own experience of being stuck in the Drama TriangleLet’s get you and your family out of drama and into a place of empowerment and resilience. ------------------------------------------------What Is the Drama Triangle?The Karpman Drama Triangle (named after psychologist Stephen Karpman) describes how we often adopt one of three unhealthy roles when attempting to resolve conflict: The Victim feels powerless and wronged—“Someone’s hurting me and I need help!”The Persecutor is the “bad guy”—the one blamed for being harsh, critical, or causing pain.The Rescuer swoops in to “save” the Victim from the Persecutor, solving everyone’s problem—but often at their own expense.Overall, the Drama Triangle is maladaptive - meaning that these roles are not actually helpful for conflict resolution or family dynamics.  How the Drama Triangle Shows Up at HomeMaybe your oldest is always “the troublemaker” (Persecutor), your youngest is constantly “getting picked on” (Victim), and you’re forever running interference (Rescuer). Or maybe, after a particularly tough bedtime, you feel like the Victim—powerless over your child’s tantrums—and wish your partner would “rescue” you by stepping in.Over time, these patterns teach our kids to rely on others to solve their problems, or—worse—internalize harmful labels as “the bad one” or “the helpless one.” And as moms, we sacrifice our own needs for peace that never really lasts.Here’s the tough truth. When we fall into these roles, nobody wins. VictimIf a child (or anyone, for that matter) is repeatedly put into the Victim role, we take away their belief that they can solve their own problems. We let them think that they are helpless and that they are trapped and that they cannot do for themselves. They look to their Rescuer to solve problems for them, which is a really disempowering place to be.  PersecutorA Persecutor often blames others for their actions. Instead of responding to problems with helpful behavior, they often respond with judgment and criticism.When we remember that feelings drive behavior, we can see that the Persecutor is the one who is actually in pain. The one who needs support. But we often don’t give that support to the Persecutor. We go to the Victim instead. So the Persecutor stays stuck in that pain and that role. They start to feel like the “bad kid”. This is common with older siblings, aggressive kids, kids with ADHD or neurodivergence, and parents who aren't emotionally regulated. And because they are treated like the problem, they feel very isolated and disconnected. They’re trying to get control by putting someone else down, but that isn’t really empowerment. And it doesn’t make them feel good. RescuerThe Rescuer is doing the Victim’s dirty work. A lot of moms find themselves in this role, and it ultimately creates a codependent dynamic where everybody's turning to you, and now you're the rescuer of everybody and you have to solve all the problems and fix everybody's issues all the time. It’s exhausting, and it leads to resentment.Plus, by rescuing our kids, we deny them the opportunity to learn how to

This encore episode about the back to school shit show is one I come back to over and over again - because it’s something parents struggle with every. single. year.The transition back to school from summer break is definitely a transition. Kids suddenly have to wake up early, get themselves ready and out the door (on time). And it’s a transition for you too as you settle everyone into a new routine. You’ll Learn:5 challenges that often arise as school starts - and how to handle themWhy you don’t need to start in with your school year routines just yetThoughts to help you (and your kids) through the back-to-school transitionWhat your #1 job is as a mom in these first weeks of the school yearAn exercise to help you prepare your mindsetThere are special challenges that come up, and I want you to be prepared for the shenanigans that might happen with your kids in the coming weeks. -------------------------------------------In this fan-favorite episode, I’m talking about 5 things you need to know as school starts and how to create the right mindset going into the next couple of weeks so that you can be compassionate with your kids (and so you don't lose your mind).I share these not because I want you to be filled with worry and dread, but because I want you to go into this school year feeling confident, ready and hopeful. And I want you to be able to feel calm when this stuff is happening.  Why is Back To School Such a Shit Show?For your kid, going back to school is kinda like going back to work. And it comes with a lot of thoughts, feelings, excitement, and nerves. This can show up in a lot of different ways. Here are 5 of the ones I see most in the families I work with.Your kid may not like their teacher. It doesn’t mean anything about your kid or what their year will be like. Quality relationships take time to build, and it’s ok if your kid doesn’t warm up to their teacher right away.Your kids are going to be exhausted the first week of school. Keep the afternoons open and be flexible. I love to stay away from screens for the first hour and use this time for connection, outdoor time, or just a rest.Sibling conflict might shoot through the roof during this back to school transition. Try to create special time with your kids by spending 10 minutes or so one-on-one with each kid doing whatever they’re doing.  Social stuff is going to come up. It happens at almost every age. Friendships shift over the summer, and navigating friendships might be hard for your kid. Give it some time and trust that your child is going to find their people, their friend group, and it's going to be okay. Be comfortable with your child's discomfort.Expect misbehavior to escalate over the next two weeks. Your child is going through a lot and using all their good coping strategies at school all day. When they come home, they can finally relax. And more big feelings cycles are likely to happen. Remember that your kid is using their behavior to communicate or cope with their big feelings. Take a moment to reset your own nervous system and get curious about what’s going on for them. If you can stay calm and practice compassion, your child will be able to move through these feelings more quickly.  Your Back To School Mindset ShiftsFeeling calm and confident starts with your thoughts. Here are some of my favorites to use during the first couple weeks of school (as well as other transition periods).This is a transition. You can also add… and transitions are temporary. It will take time to...

Today, we’re wrapping up the 3-part series on Internal Family Systems (IFS). This episode is all about being what your kid needs, with lots of strategies to show up as the calm, connected parent you want to be.You’ll Learn:The 4 parts of emotional literacyHow to let your child “borrow” your nervous system as they build their own emotional strength3 things all kids want to hear from their parents7 strategies for leading your child toward emotional healthNote: If you haven’t listened to the first 2 episodes in this series, I recommend you go back and do that. There’s a lot of background information that will help this all make a lot more sense.------------------------------------------Preventing Childhood TraumaA lot of parents come to me with the goal of not f*cking up their kids. They don’t want to do something that creates trauma in their children. But when you are parenting from a place of reactivity, insecurity, stress, or overwhelm (your wounded parts), you may end up accidentally injuring parts of your kid. Trauma happens when we have a difficult experience and the emotional pain is not processed. It gets stuck inside of us. If your child’s pain is not validated and seen by the grown-ups in their life, they may end up confused or thinking that something is wrong with them. They might feel worthless, unlovable, or shameful. One common example of this is bypassing emotion. It can look like rescuing, jumping quickly to logic or a solution, bribes, looking to the future. Doing this can give your kid the message that their emotion isn’t okay or valid. If you’re sitting there thinking, “Great, I’ve already done all these bad things to my kids. I’ve already created trauma,” take a deep breath. Your children are still children, and they’re still processing their feelings. You can start now being that compassionate leader for your family. I’ve seen it thousands of times. Mom changes >> Kids change. They heal in real time. It’s incredible and so, so beautiful. Compassionate parenting is not about making sure our kids don't ever feel badly. It's helping them learn what to do with those bad feelings when they happen (i.e. growing up to be emotionally healthy).I think of emotional health in terms of emotional literacy:I know what I’m feelingI know how to talk about my feelingsI know what to do with my feelingsI can recognize and understand how others are feeling (aka empathy)And just like literacy in reading or writing, these are skills that can be taught and must be practiced.  Being What Your Kid NeedsUltimately, your kid needs you to be available to help them process their big feelings and provide a model for emotional health.Once you’ve begun to step into your SELF energy (like I talked about in the last episode), you start leading your life from a more grounded, calm place. You become less reactive toward your children. Here are some ways to bring that SELF-led energy to your kid. Be a witnessIt can be difficult to be around someone who is very emotional and activated. Your child’s big feelings might trigger emotion in you (that’s your amygdala at work). A lot of parents fall apart when their kids fall apart. And this is actually pretty terrifying for the child. When you are willing to witness your child’s pain and help them process it, it can be released. Your kid needs you to be the grown-up in the room. And they need to feel safe enough to express their authentic pain, desires, and whatever...

There are many different religious and cultural traditions and concepts that help us understand what I’m referring to today as the SELF. This is the term used in the Internal Family Systems approach (IFS) to describe our inner being, essence, soul, or spirit. Find out:What SELF (yes, in all caps) is and how it helps you heal from withinHow to know when you’re accessing your core SELF (and how to get back to it when you’re not)Strategies for finding and accessing your core SELFCheck in questions you can use to reconnect with SELFIn this episode, you’ll learn about finding your SELF so that you can live from a place of peace and strength.---------------------------------------------------The concept of SELF reminds us that we are not our pain, our personality, or our behavior strategies. We are something else entirely. At our core, we are pure and unwounded. But as we go through life and get hurt, we become disconnected from that core SELF. We develop maladaptive behavior strategies to help us deal with that burden and pain. We lash out at people. We hurt ourselves and others.In order to be a Calm Mama, you need to be able to tap into the calm that lives within you. You need to tap into your inner wisdom so that you can respond instead of react. Finding Your SELFThink about a time in your life when you felt very calm or loving, or you stayed really grounded during a tough situation. Your mind isn’t spinning. You’re not thinking or worrying about all the things you need to do or what might happen later or money or your body or whether people like you…See if you can feel this in your body. Maybe you feel a gentle weight in your belly, like you’re sitting more grounded. Maybe you notice a lightness in your chest and head, softness in your shoulders and neck. You’re breathing a little deeper and easier. Your core SELF’s intention is to heal you and to give you more and more access to that SELF. Here’s how to reconnect. Notice when you aren’t in your SELF EnergyIFS gives us the 8 Cs of the SELF: Curiosity, calm, confidence, compassion, creativity, clarity, courage, and connectedness. If you feel any of these (and especially if you feel more than one), you’re likely connected to your SELF.When you are disconnected from SELF and in your wounded energy, you might notice yourself feeling panicked, anxious, stressed, insecure, or judgmental.  Take a Pause BreakThis is a tool I teach a lot. It’s simply taking a moment to slow down time. Buying yourself a few seconds so you can get ahead of the next moment instead of reacting to it. Getting to a place where you can respond slowly. When you see everything as an emergency that you need to respond to right away, you get sucked into the drama and overwhelm. You get into fix it/change it/stop it/solve it mode. When you want to jump in and control things - that’s not your core SELF reacting. It’s your wounded parts, your ego, your fear, and your stress.I truly believe that even 10 seconds can help you settle your nervous system and feel more calm.  Get into your bodyNotice the feelings in your body. One thing that really helps me is to lay flat down on the ground with my arms and legs extended (similar to Savasana in yoga). I remind myself that the earth can hold me, and I feel my body relax and release. A body scan is another helpful technique. Visualize each part of your body - from your toes up to the top of your head - recognizing and feeling each part as you go.If you’d...

Moms often start the summer feeling energized, encouraged and ready to go! Then around week 6 or 7, the kids are fighting, they never seem happy and everything sucks. This is your late summer pep talk to help you get out of that funk and get through the rest of summer.If you're having a great summer, I love that for you. But if you're struggling, if you're burned out, resentful or overwhelmed, if you're feeling like your kids are out of control, then this is your episode. You’ll Learn:Why this late summer with kids feels so tough (it’s totally normal!)How to get what you want out of the rest of the summerWhat to do when your kid’s behavior has gotten out of controlHow to fit mini breaks into your busy dayI’m giving you 3 strategies to help you reset your body, mind and limits. If you’re feeling crappy about how things are going, your kid is pushing boundaries or you’re just plain exhausted, these are for you.You can read the full show notes here.-----------------------------------------Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources!Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Years ago, I was talking to a client about what it truly means to be a Calm Mama. And she realized that the absence of yelling ≠ calm. There is something deeper that we’re working toward. An inner wisdom, inner peace, and knowing that you can handle anything that comes along. There might be a lot of chaos around you, but inside you are calm and steady.Today, we begin a new 3-part series on Internal Family Systems (IFS) - a therapeutic model created by Richard Schwartz. One of the central concepts is that everything you need for deep healing and wisdom are already within you.You’ll Learn:The 4 parts of Internal Family Systems and how they go togetherHow we get stuck in past pain and traumaExamples of burdens you might be carrying from childhood (and how I’m working through some of my own)How to befriend your core SelfListen to find out how IFS works and how you can use it to move into Self-led energy and feel more peace.-------------------------------------------Why Does Your Peace Matter?We talk about this a lot on the podcast, but in case you’re new to my world (or need a quick refresher), there are a lot of reasons that being calm matters as a parent. The big picture is about raising our children in emotionally healthy families so that they grow up to be emotionally healthy adults.This looks like:Letting our kids experience their negative emotionsBeing able to witness their emotional pain without getting upset about their big feelings or behaviorsCommunicating to your kid that they are going to be okayLetting your child know that they are safe and loved, no matter what is happeningWhen we try to prevent our kids from experiencing or expressing negative emotion by over-protecting, over-planning, over-organizing, or bypassing that emotion, we're actually creating little micro wounds in our kids. They are learning to shut down their own feelings, which is not what we want.In order to be able to do the things our kids need for emotional health, we often need to reparent ourselves and heal our own emotional wounds. Maybe there were times when you were told that you weren’t good enough, or that you didn’t matter, or that the way you felt didn’t matter. In order to feel truly at peace, we have to believe that we are loved, safe, worthy, and that we’re going to be okay, too.This is much easier said than done. So, how do we get to that place of deep, legit calm? 4 Parts of the Internal Family SystemFeelings drive behavior. And when we don’t know what to do with our feelings, we act them out in behaviors or strategies that we think will protect us from pain or help us deal with pain when it comes up.When we’re acting from our wounded parts, we act in ways that might hurt us or others. The goal is to act from our whole, healed, healthy parts - the Self. The Self is an embodied sense of who you are at your core - without any pain or wounds. We all come into this world pure and filled with joy, ready to experience all the things in life that come. At our core, what we want to feel is peace.But then the world steps in. We experience all kinds of discomfort, and if we don’t get to express and process it, it can get stuck within us. Internal Family Systems (IFS) is an approach to healing that identifies the wounded parts of you, as well as the whole, not wounded parts of you. And it helps you to build a relationship between your core Self and those wounded parts so that they can heal, have a sense of wholeness and become what we call “unburdened”.Imagine your internal family as your core Self, plus the other parts of you that are related to your Self and your pain (aka burden). There are...

If you’re feeling like your family could use a break from screens and a reset, this is the episode for you. You may remember a podcast I recorded last year about how to do a digital detox. Well, that episode was based on an amazing book called Digital Detox: The Two-Week Tech Reset for Kids, and I am so thankful to have the author, Molly DeFrank, here with me today.You’ll Learn:Why letting go of control can actually help you find solutionsOur real-life experiences with digital detoxes in our own familiesHow to help kids manage their boredom and big feelings without screensThe 4-step method to a digital detoxMolly normalizes tech overuse (it’s not just you!) and lays out a simple, accessible way for you to give your kid a break from digital input, reset their nervous system, and allow your family to become a bit more whole and integrated. You’ll love our conversation and hearing Molly’s perspective.------------------------------------------Molly DeFrank is a mom to six children, ages 8 to 15, and the author of two parenting books, including Digital Detox: The Two-Week Tech Reset for Kids. She lives in California and has helped thousands of families break free from digital dependence.  The State of Screen UseI often think of the pandemic as “letting the cat out of the bag” when it comes to screens. Even for slow tech families, school was online and our kids were spending way more time on screens. So now, 5 years later, our kids are struggling and we’re seeing a lot of families doing some course correction.Molly shared that the vast majority of parents say that their kids’ screen use is their biggest parenting struggle and that “8 to 12 year-old kids are spending 40 hours per week on digital entertainment…13 to 18 year-olds are spending 50 hours a week. Our kids are spending the same amount of time as having a full time job being digitally entertained.”Molly was heavily influenced by Dr. Victoria Dunckley, who coined a new condition called Electronic Screen Syndrome that is brought on by too much digital entertainment. It can disguise itself as ADHD, bipolar disorder, or OCD, when it’s really just the adrenaline, cortisol, and dopamine that is hijacking their brains. She saw so much of this that she decided to no longer diagnose a new client until they had undergone a digital detox. And most of the time, symptoms were resolved and medication was not needed. That’s how powerful this is. Some of these symptoms that come with screen overuse include irritability, aggression, low frustration tolerance, problems sleeping, and inattentiveness.Parents know that something needs to change, but they don’t want to deal with the fallout and tantrums of reducing or taking away screens. I know you’ve experienced this. The timer goes off, and the monster comes out. The negotiations (just 5 more minutes, pleeeease) and big feelings begin. This is purely dysregulation from the transition from stimulation from that device to non stimulation. I call this the boredom gap, and believe it or not, there is so much hope and freedom on the other side. Benefits of a Digital DetoxMolly wants us to know that a detox doesn’t mean you’re signing up for 2 weeks (or forever) of screen tantrums. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. She says, “You’re actually getting your kids back.” A detox comes with benefits to your child's creativity, mental health, social life, and academics, as well as your relationship with them. In fact, every parent she knows who has...

Today, I am so excited to introduce two special guests, Julie Scelfo and Julie Fruman, from Mothers Against Media Addiction (or MAMA). I believe so much in MAMA’s vision and mission for healthier tech and healthier families. I can’t wait for you to meet them. You’ll Learn:How a simple shift helped my guest’s son love reading.Why the era of anxious parenting is making it even harder for parents to say no to screens.Short and long term risks of media overuse.3 ways to help your kids develop healthier relationships with screensWhy community is the key to battling media addictionThis episode is full of simple, practical ways you can help your family have a healthier, more balanced relationship with screens and media.So sit back and listen to us talk about the hope for an environment where media does not infiltrate everything and our kids can grow up without overexposure to media and screens.------------------------------------------Meet the MAMAsJulie Scelfo is the founder and executive director of MAMA, and she has created a chapter-based grassroots movement of parents who are fighting back against media addiction. Her goal is to create a world in which real life experiences and interactions remain at the heart of a healthy childhood. She is an award-winning journalist, a former New York Times staff writer, a media ecologist, and a parent. She says, “MAMA grew out of my own frustration as a parent trying to keep my kids safe online and realizing that the problem was beyond anything I alone could manage as a parent. At one point, I signed them up for software that was going to let me know anytime they were exposed to something dangerous. And I started getting over 100 emails a day. And I realized there's no way that I could manage all of that alone.”Now, MAMA has a 3-part mission to educate parents, get smartphones out of schools, and advocate for basic safeguards on technology products.  Julie Fruman is the leader of the local chapter of MAMA in my community. For more than a decade, Julie has provided mental health support to individuals, couples and families. She holds a Masters degree in clinical psychology from Pepperdine University and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice. She hosts frequent workshops for parents, teens and tweens, encouraging safe, intentional, balanced technology use through the Conejo Valley Chapter of MAMA.She says, “When MAMA first launched, I heard about it and I knew immediately I wanted to get involved. I loved the idea of having other parents around me and not doing this work solo. I like being with other parents who want the same things for our children and for the community, too. I wanted to do this hand in hand and not by myself.” Effects of Media Addiction & OveruseIf you’re like a lot of moms I talk to, you just feel a little “off” when it comes to screens and tech. You know something doesn’t feel quite right, but you’re not sure why or what exactly to do about it. Scelfo says, “We as a society right now are completely addicted to media and screens. Think of all the places we have screens. They are in our restaurants, they are in our cars, our elevators, our gas pumps. There's almost no place that you can go anymore and just enjoy the natural setting without being bombarded with information.”And this constant exposure comes with some downsides. Acute RisksWe know what dangers look like in the “real world”, but we can’t always see what’s happening online. Social algorithms often promote content that includes...

We’re a few weeks into summer, and you might be starting to feel like you’re in the doldrums. If you’ve been feeling frustrated, disappointed or sad that your summer isn’t going quite the way you hoped it would, this is the episode for you. You’ll Learn:Common challenges with kids in the summer4 strategies to do a summer reset and get things back on trackSome thoughts you can borrow to create the feelings you want this summerIn this encore episode, I’m talking about how to do a summer reset and get things back on track.You can read the full show notes here.---------------------------------------------------Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources!Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Welcome back to another Confessions episode! NOTE: This episode is a doozy. It might even need a trigger warning (sexual abuse trauma). But I KNOW it’s going to be really helpful on your healing journey. Listen when you feel ready.My friend, Kristin LaFontaine is back on the podcast, and I'm confessing some of my deepest fears and how I spent years and years in what I call the fix it/fuck it cycle.→ Fix it =  hyper-rigidity, super productivity, high control behaviors→ Fuck it = who cares, no rules, give up/give in behaviorsIn this episode, I’m sharing all about my experiences in the fix it /fuck it cycle and how I got out of it. Hint - it’s all about self-love and self-trust.Resources:Click here to learn more about Internal Family Systems (IFS)

The thing about dinner is that it happens every. single. day. And it’s typically the worst time of day for kids, especially littles. Plus, you might have sports or other evening activities in the mix. Today, Madison Wetherill of Cook At Home Mom is here to help you make preparing meals for your family easier and more joyful. You’ll Learn:Why preparing meals feels so hardThe most impactful thing you can do to cut mealtime overwhelmWays to involve kids in the kitchen without creating more stress for yourselfMy strategy for handling meal prep when my kids were littleListen in as we talk about the overwhelm and resentment that can come along with cooking and practical tips and tools to overcome those obstacles and even involve your kids in the process. -------------------------------------Madison Wetherill is the woman behind Cook at Home Mom, where she inspires busy families to embrace wholesome, delicious cooking. Based in sunny Arizona, Madison juggles life as a wife and homeschooling mom to three energetic boys (ages 2, 7, and 9), blending the chaos of family life with her passion for creating meals that nourish the body and soul.Madison’s culinary journey began after her college years when cooking shifted from a necessity to a passion. Whether she's experimenting with new ingredients or hosting family dinners, her mission is simple: to make cooking at home easy, enjoyable, and always full of flavor.Madison says that while her dream Saturday is hours of alone time in her kitchen, she realizes that this is not the case for most people. For a lot of moms, cooking is a chore and definitely does NOT top the list of ways they want to spend their free time. Listen in to hear some of her best tips for simplifying family meals. End Mealtime Overwhelm Madison recognizes that just the basics of cooking for a family can be overwhelming. There are so many moments between the beginning of planning and the finish line of sitting down to eat a meal. It’s a much more complicated process than we often give ourselves credit for.She adds, “Then when you add in picky eaters or dietary needs or preferences or requirements for time or equipment, there are so many complexities to it, it's no wonder that it's overwhelming.” And, of course, meals are just one of many, many things you’re managing as a mom. The first step is to get curious about what exactly makes mealtimes feel stressful or exhausting to you. Is it the planning part (or lack of a plan)? Time? Budget? Not knowing what to make? She says, “There are different avenues and solutions for all of each of these problems. But I think so often we're quick to dismiss it and think, ‘That's just how it is. And it's never going to get any easier.’”The biggest pain point Madison sees in moms is planning meals, which includes a few different pieces. First is having the time to plan. Next is figuring out what to eat, which brings in factors like picky eating, dietary needs, what’s healthy, what your family will like, affordability, etc. There’s certainly no shortage of recipes out there. The challenge is deciding which ones fit your needs and your family will enjoy.  💡Tip: Create a Meal Planning RoutineWe can think about meal planning the same way we use intention in parenting. For example, if you want to feel less stressed about meals during the week, create a routine around meal planning. When you take the time to plan your meals on Monday, imagine how you will feel on Thursday night when you know exactly what to cook and your ingredients are ready to go.  Madison says, “Many practical problems you might have within the realm of...

Have you ever seen your kid do something and think, “They should know better”? I think we all have at one time or another. But here’s the thing - maybe they don’t. Today, I’m talking about what kids don’t know so that you can adjust your expectations, feel less annoyed by their behavior, and help them learn the skills they’re missing.You’ll Learn:Why our kids don’t actually “know better” a lot of the timeHow to balance social norms with a strong sense of self6 ways to help your child learn important social skills How teaching social norms fits into the 4 steps of the Calm Mama ProcessParenting is a constant process of resetting limits and teaching new skills and behaviors. Listen to learn how.-------------------------------------Reminder: When you’re teaching your kids something (like how you want them to behave), once isn’t enough. You’ll have to tell them many, many times. And every time they go through a new developmental stage, their brain grows and changes, so they end up needing to learn things again.  What Kids Don’t KnowLet’s face it: There are a LOT of things our kids don’t know yet. Some of these are practical, like how weather, time, and money work. How to do specific tasks. Today, I’m focusing more on social and behavioral skills, as these are the ones that tend to cause us the most frustration and can be really challenging to understand. Every society has social norms - unwritten rules that govern behavior and dictate what's considered acceptable or unacceptable. These kinds of norms might be related to a country, religion, cultural group, or even smaller subgroups like a school environment or sports team. And they can be helpful because they create predictable and harmonious interactions within our society.When our kids do things that go outside of these acceptable behaviors, we get annoyed or embarrassed. We think they’re being rude. But often, kids don’t actually know what is rude (and they just have no filter). They aren’t born understanding these social norms, and a lot of them are complicated and nuanced. So we have to teach them how to behave so that we don't have chaos and confusion. Your job as a parent is to give your child the awareness, skills, and tools to know what behavior is accepted so that they can be successful in our society and culture. It’s a lot of work to learn how to be a person in society - to understand which behaviors are okay in which settings, and a lot of mistakes are going to be made.  Society and Sense of SelfKids learn to understand and follow social norms through socialization. Interacting with people in different types of situations gives them a basic understanding of what works in the world, and teaches them tools to manage themselves. But we don’t just want our kids to follow the crowd. We also want to parent them in a way that preserves a positive sense of self. At times, it can feel like these two goals are at odds with each other. On the one hand, we have social norms - Be nice, be smart, be athletic, be attractive, be helpful, be likable, care about others, don't hurt others.Then we have social and personal values that might be things like be unique, be creative, be yourself, be authentic, take care of yourself, express your needs, express your feelings.So, what if you have a child who is expressing their authentic thought that you have stinky breath? They’re being honest and using their words, and this also has an impact on the other person that might cause a social problem.  Teaching Social NormsTeaching the nuance of socializing while being yourself is no easy task. We...

We’ve all been there. You make a plan to do something that you think is going to be really fun for you and your kids. But then, it turns out to not be as much fun as you thought. Your kids aren’t into it, they’re complaining, and you end up feeling disappointed, frustrated, and annoyed. You’ll Learn:Real-life examples of shifting plans and expectationsOne of the guiding principles I follow to help with parenting pivotsHow planning and flexibility work together to create more peace and connection5 steps to pivot when things are going the way you hopedI’m talking about parenting pivots and flexibility when you’re dealing with grumpy moods, “I don’t wanna”s, and plans that get off track. -------------------------------------------------Let’s start with a little story…Years ago, my family was in Yosemite for a vacation, and we were all going bike riding. It was getting really, really hot, and we stopped along the trail so that we could go into the river and cool off. And one of my sons did NOT want to go in the river. I was really stuck on this idea that we were all going to cool down in the river. We were cajoling him, trying to convince him to get into the water. Finally, I realized that I could pivot from my expectation or my need for him to go in. I just let it go. I decided to enjoy myself in the water and let him enjoy whatever he was doing. With that pivot, the whole energy shifted between the four of us because I settled down as the emotional leader in my family. My other family members settled down, and we were all at peace. We started to include my son in a different way that allowed him to participate. He would go to the backpack to get us some water or chips or take a towel back to the bikes. He loved it, and it ended up being a really fun experience for us all. Because I was able to detach and pivot and shift into acceptance. To allow for people to be people. To allow for my own feelings and desires to be met. I trusted that it was going to be okay. When you can detach from the desire for your child to participate in a certain way, you’ll be fine with whatever happens. Maybe they join you in the activity, maybe they don’t. Funny thing is, when you detach, kids often come back around and want to be involved. But if they don’t, you’re still okay.  Structure Submits to SpiritThis was a core principle of a church that I went to for a long time. The idea is that we have some basis of structure - a routine, plan, event, etc. But then something happens that you have to submit to. Maybe it’s a big feeling cycle, an illness, bad weather, or a new opportunity. And you have to adjust your expectations. Being flexible and pivoting our plans was a huge struggle for me for a long time. Maybe you can relate. Childhood trauma had me using hypervigilance and overplanning as a way to cope. And as a mom, I was really scared that if I didn’t overplan, my kids would act out, I would not stay calm, I would lose my crap on them, and I’d be a bad mom. I thought that by being really organized, I would keep myself and my kids safe. But this isn’t an all-or-nothing. Having a plan is a really good idea. And we can be flexible in the way we respond when things don’t go the way we expect.Every family needs an adult with some idea of how things are going to go. You need some kind of structure for when people are going to eat, what activities are coming up, how dinner, bedtime, and cleanup will go. Most families work well when there is some kind of rhythm and flow to your days and weeks. But we also need to be able to submit to the spirit. In parenting, I think of this as a...

Let’s face it.  Summer is great.  And it’s a lot.A lot of time with kids. Traveling. Extra meal prep. Day trips with snack bags. Feeling like there’s not enough time to get work done. Long days. Late nights. Sibling fights. Loneliness. You’re going to need a plan to enjoy the season - and avoid burnout.You’ll Learn:Why burnout happensSigns that you are approaching burnoutThe benefits of taking a breakHow to plan your Calm Mama Break When you decide that taking care of yourself this summer and avoiding burnout is a PRIORITY - you will be creative and find a way to make it happen!  And I’m here to help you do it.-----------------------------------Want to binge all of our best summer parenting tips? Grab the free summer toolkit here and get a link to the full Calm Mama Summer playlist on Spotify, plus lots of other great resources!Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!In this free guide you’ll discover:✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet hereConnect With Darlynn: Book a complimentary session with DarlynnLearn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.comFollow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips Rate and review the podcast on Itunes