Secrets of a Conflict Coach

The goal this season is to provide valuable information in ways the not only make sense, but help you make positive change and level up little by little. Summary of what to expect from Season 3:relationship between physical and mental wellness how language impacts emotion, behaviors, relationshipsconflict thru the eyes of children & what we can learn from themmodern medicineholistic medicineneurodivergence & conflictrelationships & the impact of self-improvement hormones and mental wellness, women’-specific mental healthself-image and who our relationship with ourself matters (featuring special guests for each topics + open, honest, human conversations about things that we all seem to experience, but no one really understands)What Might be Holding You Back from Leveling Up:Lack of Effective Communication Built-Up ResentmentLack of Emotional FlexibilityIf you’re having trouble leveling up, check in with yourself. How is your communication? Are you feeling resentment? Am I feeling emotionally flexible, or mentally stuck? We’re gonna be talking a LOT about our relationships with ourselves this season, and this was just a preview. So stay tuned & stay in touch!Brene Brown Interview:https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kux7zpgyTfU General Info:To find my social media, contact me, follow me, or book me click here: https://linktr.ee/yourconflictcoac.hh<3 Hannah, Your Conflict Coach

An open, honest, vulnerable conversation in which my husband, Gage, and I inventory our compatibility together! We want you guys to have a clear example of how this conversation can look, even if it doesn't go as expected! To find my social media, contact me, follow me, or book me click here: https://linktr.ee/yourconflictcoac.hh<3 Hannah, Your Conflict Coach (& Gage)

A walk thru compatibility types and how to assess your personal compatibility with any of the people in your life. To find my social media, contact me, follow me, or book me click here: https://linktr.ee/yourconflictcoac.hh<3 Hannah, Your Conflict Coach

"Okay I know we should talk about it... but what would I say?!" If this is a common quote in your life, this episode is for you. Let's talk about talking about it.To find my social media, contact me, follow me, or book me click here: https://linktr.ee/yourconflictcoac.hh<3 Hannah, Your Conflict Coach

Digging into Step 5 of my Tips to Reducing Conflict in your life, the final piece of the emotional intelligence puzzle falls into place with a discussion on how our individual experiences as humans shape the way we handle conflict and relationships-- especially how to understand that that applies just as much to others as it does to us.To find my social media, contact me, follow me, or book me click here: https://linktr.ee/yourconflictcoac.hh<3 Hannah, Your Conflict Coach

Everything you'll need to learn more about reacting vs. responding on my social media, contact me, follow me, or book me can be found here: https://linktr.ee/yourconflictcoac.hh<3 Hannah, Your Conflict Coach

Our brains cannot process logic and emotion at the same time, so we HAVE to learn how to recognize our emotional surges and interpret/process them (and prioritize that over the immediate release of emotional tension). In order to understand others, we have to understand ourselves- when we do that, we learn just how unique and intricate humans are, and it makes empathy much easier. Let me walk you through how to start making these changes in your everyday life. Everything you'll need to contact me, follow me, or book me can be found here: https://linktr.ee/yourconflictcoac.hhBrene Brown interview -- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kux7zpgyTfUEmotional Intelligence breakdown -- https://www.kornferry.com/insights/briefings-for-the-boardroom/4-emotional-intelligence-skills-for-trying-times#:~:text=The%20four%20domains%20of%20Emotional,reactivity%20and%20fewer%20unintended%20consequences.

Boundary setting is becoming more and more crucial every day, and society knows it -- ICYMI, boundaries are kind of trending right now. But why are they important? Why do I struggle to set them and keep them? Why do I feel so bad about setting them? What if they get mad? Let me walk you through how to start making these changes in your everyday life. Everything you'll need to contact me, follow me, or book me can be found here: https://linktr.ee/yourconflictcoac.hhNedra Tawwab instagram:  (@nedratawwab)Link to Set Boundaries, Find Peace -  https://a.co/d/45QhaZd

Managing our expectations is one of the hardest things we can do, but it has a significant impact on the amount of conflict in our lifes (aka: DRASTICALLY REDUCES IT). Let me walk you through how to start making these changes in your everyday life.Instagram: @yourconflictcoac.hhFacebook: @yourconflictcoac.hhYouTube: @yourconflictcoachhTikTok: @yourconflictcoac.hh

Overview of what to expect in Season 2 -- Updates and ChangesWhat is a conflict coach?Why did I choose conflict coaching?What can you do to reduce conflict in your life?5 shifts that will change your life.Instagram: @yourconflictcoac.hhFacebook: @yourconflictcoac.hhYouTube: @yourconflictcoachhTikTok: @yourconflictcoac.hh

FAQs Covered:Is my conflict style permanent? Is it something I just have to live with? Absolutely not. You can put in work to change your natural reactions to things. It takes several times doing something to build a habit. It definitely can be situational, but just because something's your instinctual reaction doesn't mean you're stuck with that. It's not like a self-identification or personality test (Myers Briggs, Enneagram, etc.) Conflict styles are different in that we have, on some level, control over them. We definitely have natural reactions. We have instincts, but we also have the power to rebuild our habits. We have the power to say, I don't like reacting that way, I need to start figuring out how to react differently.Is it better to react actively or passively? Wouldn't passively be better?The real answer is that it really just depends on the person and the situation. That's why I recommend looking closely at the reactions you have that are destructive, and look at whether or not your tendency (in high emotion) is to react actively or passively. BUT destructive reactions come in moments of really high emotion, and you're not going to be able to reflect on that well in the moment. That's why it's important to know what our triggers are and be able to recognize things in other people/situations/environments, and say, "this might be a trigger for me. I need to be paying close attention to my emotions and whether or not I'm reacting negatively in this situation."If we know what our triggers are and learn to watch for them, that's when we start being able to reflect on our negative emotions and learn how to flip them into constructive reactions that play a positive role in the conflict, help us reach a resolution, help you be heard, AND help you gain more understanding and connection in that relationship.Don't you need to know whose fault it is, in order to solve the problem?There are exceptions to every blanket claim, but generally, no.In general, if you're in a relationship with someone (any kind of relationship-- romantic, friendship, workplace, internet, family, etc.) and you're in conflict with them, and that relationship has to stay a working healthy relationship, then it needs to be resolved with collaboration. And if you're using fault or blame to decide how to solve the problem, then you're making it a "you vs. them" problem. And if our goal is collaboration, if our goal is to not damage this relationship, then we need to be able to approach it as "us vs. the problem", not "me vs. them" or "you vs. them" or "me vs. you".What if I'm doing everything I can, and nothing's changing? What if I'm trying to be better and build my relationships, but I'm getting shut down?The only thing I can say is that we cannot control the reactions of other people. We can only do everything in our power to communicate our needs and be open and honest when things hurt and/or bother us, when we think there might be a misunderstanding, or when we think there might be a misalignment.You can only control the way you react. And you can control what you allow in your life. You are in control of the boundaries you set with the people you love. You're in control of whether or not you say yes or no to requests that come in. You're in control of the decisions you make on a daily basis. And you're in control of the way you decide to react and handle conflict. And that's true for every individual person, including the person who's refusing to meet you at your resolution.Conflict is misalignment and it gives you information. Something's misaligned and there's information there for you. And just like you get to decide how you're reacting to the conflicts, you get to decide what you take from that misalignment and what you do next....

Stonewalling is what happens when someone mentally checks out of a relationship, any type of relationship -- they're refusing to resolve issues, have conversations, or react and respond to other people's attempts at connection or resolution.With stonewalling, there's no immediate step forward. You can eventually get to the forward point you want to be at, but you can't walk through a stone wall. Once that wall is built, if you want to get to the other side, you either have to break it down or try a different route.I will usually advocate for breaking it down, but sometimes you need help. And that's normal. No, I'm not lying. It's actually normal. Here's the options:Mental Health Professionals (e.g. therapists, psychiatrists)Relationship Professionals (e.g. counselors, marriage/family therapists)Legal Professionals (e.g. judiciaries, litigation teams, arbitrators)Peacemaking Professionals (e.g. mediators, conflict coaches)But here's what I'll say about leaving the stonewalled relationship/conflict as it is, and trying a different route-- if the other person or people involved are refusing to help you break down that wall, leave them there to either figure it out or keep doing nothing, and move forward with the people who would have helped you break down a wall that was damaging your relationship with them.And if you don't know which people in your life would help you break down that wall, or if you're consistently being stonewalled, then you're not learning enough from your conflicts. You can't control them. You can only control you, and your goal should always be to move forward. And if they can't keep up, leave them there.FIND ME ON SOCIALS!!ig: @yourconflictcoac.hhfb: Your Conflict Coac.hhyt: Hannah Hutchinson, Conflict Coachtt: @yourconflictcoac.hhOR EMAIL ME AT yourconflictcoachh@gmail.com

FAULT RESPONSIBILITYWhat are my responsibilities in this relationship?What are their responsibilities in this relationship? Was everyone upholding their responsibilities? Are these responsibilities agreed upon? And if not, why not? Would their answer to those questions be the same? If you think that it would, how do you know?Even if something is 1000% someone else's fault or if it's 1000% your fault, that does. not. matter.Whose responsibility it is to maintain the integrity and the alignment of the relationship? Whose responsibility is it to put in the work to realign this relationship when conflict happens?HINT: The answer to neither of those should be "theirs" or "mine"...THE ANSWER SHOULD BE OURS.______If you remember nothing else from this episode, take this:Collaboration is impossible without communication and comprehension. And everyone involved in a relationship should be responsible for communicating their expectations and putting effort into comprehending the expectations others in any type of relationship. ______FIND ME ON SOCIALS!!ig: @yourconflictcoac.hhfb: Your Conflict Coac.hhyt: Hannah Hutchinson, Conflict Coachtt: @yourconflictcoac.hhOR EMAIL ME AT yourconflictcoachh@gmail.com

When we’re seeing the conflict through the filter of our emotions, we attack the relationship instead of the problem. We ask ourselves “WHO made me feel this way?” instead of “WHAT is making me feel this way?” or "WHY am I feeling this way?"That’s why emotions are such a huge part of our individual perception of a conflict, BUT you have to be able to recognize that everyone’s individual perception is based on their own emotional reality.When we START WITH our emotions as the foundation of our reasoning and problem solving, the rest of our resolution process is doomed, because all of a sudden we’re trying to fix feelings, instead of fix a relationship.When we do that, it adds more emotional tension to the conflict because we cannot cry, yell, ignore, or force another person into understanding our emotional reasoning. They’re set up to fail, because they will either try to understand it logically or emotionally.If they try to understand it logically, they can’t, because you’re reasoning emotionally. But if they try to understand it emotionally, they still probably won’t get it because their emotional reasoning is based in their own perception of the conflict, not yours. What we really want is just for them to handle the situation in a way that makes sense to us. In a way that makes us feel comfortable. In a way that makes us feel supported, not attacked. We have to recognize that even though it’s what we crave as humans, being fully and completely understood is not the only type of resolution.Even healthy conflict can still be uncomfortable and confusing, and damaging/destructive conflicts will still happen, you’ll still feel misunderstood sometimes, even when you’re doing everything you can! Because conflicts are inevitable. And what is conflict? It’s misalignment. Something is off. That doesn’t mean it’s doomed. It doesn’t even have to mean it’s damaged. But something is misaligned. Of course, sometimes, we live with a little misalignment here and there… and even a little damage, we can repair that pretty easily. But if that little misalignment isn’t ever recognized, acknowledged, addressed, resolved… it will only get worse and more painful. And the more painful it gets: the more our emotions begin clouding our logic, and that gets confusing very quickly.And then all of a sudden, something happens that should feel small but suddenly it feels more like a seismic shift, or a landmine to what we thought was reality. These are the moments when the jolt of unpredictability makes our emotion take over, and those take overs are the moments that significantly damage our relationships. These moments, these burned bridges, these destroyed relationships, are the reason we as a society have got to start retraining our instinctual reactions to conflict. We have to get out of those damaging habits and replace them with constructive reactions that allow us to maintain peace and predictability in our relationships. We have to start making a habit out of fighting off our initial destructive reactions and recentering—focusing on the misalignment and how to get the relationship back on track. We have to start learning how to define our emotions and assign meaning to them, without jumping straight to fault and blame. When we jump to fault or start assigning blame, we immediately derail the resolution process and significantly increase the chances of relationship damage. But I know it’s important to hold people accountable for their actions, and I know it’s important that people recognize when they’ve hurt you. So when you find yourself arguing about fault, or blaming someone before you’ve even discussed the real issues that caused the conflict… switch the conversation from fault to responsibility. Whose responsibility is it to maintain this relationship?Whose

Most Common Destructive Reactions:Active --Winning at All CostsBlind Anger/RageDemeaning OthersRetaliatingPassive --AvoidingAccomodatingHiding Important EmotionsSelf-CriticizingMost Common Constructive Reactions:Active --Perspective TakingCreating SolutionsExpressing EmotionsReaching OutPassive --Reflective ThinkingDelay RespondingAdaptingFIND ME ON SOCIALS!!ig: @yourconflictcoac.hhfb: Your Conflict Coac.hhyt: Hannah Hutchinson, Conflict Coachtt: @yourconflictcoac.hhOR EMAIL ME AT yourconflictcoachh@gmail.com

If you take nothing else from this episode, take this:Peace does not come from avoiding conflict. Peace comes from avoiding destructive reactions, and retraining ourselves to react constructively instead.3 Circle ExerciseSmallest Inner ("Core") Circle --> 3-5 primary pieces of your identity as an individualNext, Wider Circle --> 3-5 important pieces of your identity that aren't central to your coreThird, Widest Circle --> 3-5 pieces of yourself that play a large role in your life, but are not quite as central to your identityRemember:This diagram will change and shift throughout your lifeIt can contain anything that you feel is central and valuable to your identity.The closer something is to the center of the diagram, the more central it is to your core identity, and the more it will feel like an attack when someone threatens it. Most Common Destructive Reactions:Active --Winning at All CostsBlind Anger/RageDemeaning OthersRetaliatingPassive --AvoidingAccomodatingHiding Important EmotionsSelf-CriticizingFIND ME ON SOCIALS!!ig: @yourconflictcoac.hhfb: Your Conflict Coac.hhyt: Hannah Hutchinson, Conflict Coachtt: @yourconflictcoac.hhOR EMAIL ME AT yourconflictcoachh@gmail.com

If you take nothing else from this episode, take this:We are in this together. If all you've done lately is take baby steps out of the darkness, that's enough. Getting from the valley to the mountain top takes some climbing. Notes:Compromising is a good "back-up" for collaboration when you (or anyone else involved) does not have the mental/emotional capacity to handle the conflict collaboratively. If compromising isn't an option all parties are willing to work on, then don't be afraid to take some time to yield. Most Common HOT BUTTONS (aka: triggers):AloofnessAbrasivenessHostilityMicro-managingOver-analyzingSelf-centerednessUnreliabilityUnappreciativenessUntrustworthinessFIND ME ON SOCIALS!!ig: @yourconflictcoac.hhfb: Your Conflict Coac.hhyt: Hannah Hutchinson, Conflict Coachtt: @yourconflictcoac.hhOR EMAIL ME AT yourconflictcoachh@gmail.com

This week: Avoiding, Dominating (AKA: Competing), AccommodatingNext week: Compromising vs. CollaboratingFIGHT OR FLIGHT = [Dominating] or [Avoiding]When can you use the "bad" conflict styles?Avoiding is ideal when: issues are trivial, there's a 0% chance of a mutually satisfactory resolution, or someone needs time to process the conflict before confronting itDominating is necessary when: there is a clear and understood, unbalanced power dynamic (i.e. boss/employee, teacher/student, parent/child)Accommodating is honorable when: the issue is significantly more important to the opposing party, or someone is agreeably in the wrongFIND ME ON SOCIALS!!ig: @yourconflictcoac.hhfb: Your Conflict Coac.hhyt: Hannah Hutchinson, Conflict Coachtt: @yourconflictcoac.hhOR EMAIL ME AT yourconflictcoachh@gmail.com

I wanna lay a foundation for you guys. Because there are a few concepts and mindset shifts that I want to introduce you to today that will hopefully give you a baseline understanding of how to make conflict a little less scary. So the goal for today’s episode isn’t to resolve your conflict— it’s to help you approach it in a way that facilitates resolution, not destruction.Segmenting Exercise:1st: “What happened?”How would a stranger describe the conflict?IS NOT: opinion, fault, assumptions of intent 2nd: “How does that make you feel?”Important: be able to define your emotions. What exactly is it that you’re feeling?IS NOT: how being in conflict is making you feel3rd: “Why did this happen?”What needs to change so the conflict doesn’t exist anymore? Why did it trigger our emotions?IS NOT: instructions for the other person, blamingIf you had some trouble mentally segmenting your conflict into what happened, how it made you feel, and why, you’re actually in the majority. Try doing it with a conflict you have witnessed between other people, or maybe think back on one that’s been resolved for a while. Sometimes it’s much easier to start there. Conflict Styles:AvoidingAccommodatingDominatingCompromisingCollaboratingFIND ME ON SOCIALS!!ig: @yourconflictcoac.hhfb: Your Conflict Coac.hhyt: Hannah Hutchinson, Conflict Coachtt: @yourconflictcoac.hhOR EMAIL ME AT yourconflictcoachh@gmail.com