Untethered: Healing the Pain from a Sudden Death

In today’s podcast I interview Prudence Fenton, who experienced the unexpected death of her partner on Christmas Eve just prior to the beginning of COVID. Like most people who experience a sudden death, Prudence’s loss was a deeply personal, intimate and painful experience. Prudence’s loss was also a very public experience because her partner, Allee Willis, was a well known songwriter and artist. Together we explore Prudence’s grief experiences, her coping mechanisms and how grief has changed her. We talk about how she felt to have the public grieve her partner, what it was like to create her legacy, and where Prudence is in her life right now, four years later. Key Points: Prudence discusses how she relied on her creativity, taking a grief timeout when necessary, connecting with Allee, and receiving support from friends or trusted members of her team to get her through the difficult times. Prudence describes where she is today with a group of new friends and the ability to experience happiness in her life. As she says, “the new Prudence just moves on”, but she always carries Allee with her. Prudence continues to learn and sees life as a constant form of education. If you are interested in learning more about Prudence and Allee’s documentary, The World According to Allee Willis or the foundation Willis Wonderland please join our Facebook group, Talking about the podcast Unteathered with Dr. Levin.

In today’s podcast I interview Leslee Koritzke, who has been my best friend for over 15 years. Leslee shares with us what happened when her husband suddenly died over 14 years ago after playing basketball. We talk about what it was like for her to raise two young children and how she coped with the unexpected legal and financial stressors after his death. She also describes how her involvement in widow groups, fitness, and pottery helped her develop a long-term relationship with grief. Leslee reflects on what it has been like to watch her children grow, achieve important milestones without their father, and whether she thought her life would take it’s current shape. It was a unique experience to interview Leslee, and I have been blessed to be part of her story long before Bob’s death. Key Points: Leslee discusses how she used her sense of humor to help get her through the hard times, while remaining true and authenic to feeling her emotions. Like many who become single parents overnight, Leslee’s first priority was the needs of her children even though she had the additional stessors of unexpected circumstances that sometimes do not arise until after a loved has died. Leslee prioritized the health and well-being of her kids and was committed to keeping family traditions and Bob’s memory alive. Her creativity, love for adventure, and continued love for her husband has been a continued theme throughout her life and contributed to her ability to move towards healing. If you would like to reach out to Leslee, or if you are interested in learning more about her, please join our Facebook group - Talking about the podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.

In today’s podcast I talk with Dan Baker, whose wife suddenly died on the day he retired from his career in law enforcement. As with all of my podcast participants, Dan’s experiences were powerful and unique. Having an extensive background in law enforcement, Dan provides us with valuable insight about what happens during the investigative process. He also invites us into to the difficult thoughts and emotions that he struggled with and continues to revisit three years after his wife’s death. I am so grateful he shared his perspective on the ins and outs of spousal grief support groups and the lasting relationships that can develop. The love Dan continues to have for his wife Cathy remains present and palpable. Key Points: During our interview we explore Dan’s struggle to cope with two major life stressors; the death of a spouse and retirement at the same time, and the impact it had on his identity. We examine what it was like for Dan to live with the unanswered questions and uncertainty after his wife died. Dan shares the experiences he had participating in a spousal grief group to help him cope and process his wife’s death and how he developed strong bonds and intimate friendships with a subgroup of members that he now considers to be part of his family. If you would like to reach out to Dan, please join our Facebook group – Talking About the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.

In the previous podcast of Untethered, I interviewed Tami Millard, whose husband died suddenly riding his mountain bike the day before their daughter’s 16th birthday. In today’s podcast, I talk with Tami’s daughter, Anya, now 19, about to be 20, almost four years since the day her father died. Anya’s interview not only provides another perspective about what happened after her father’s death, but it’s also insight into the adolescent grief experience after the sudden death of a parent. Together we explore her perception of how grief impacted her mom and how their relationship has evolved through grief and time. Anya shares her thoughts about what she describes as “not being able to have an adult relationship with her dad” and the importance of grace and time in the healing process from traumatic grief.   Key points: The death of a parent forces adolescents to confront some of the harsh realities and challenges that come with being an adult at an early age. Anya acknowledges her awareness of the gaps that existed after her dad’s death and the way her mom “stepped up and stepped in”, in a manner that her peers who had also lost a parent had not. She shares her mom’s efforts to take on specific roles and responsibilities that belonged to her dad, while at the same time managing her grief, financial stressors, working, and parenting, all of which occurred during COVID. Anya talks about the feelings she had about performing or acting a certain way to make the grief experience true. In both Tami’s and Anya’s interviews, they share how quickly Kyron’s existence vanished after his death, how difficult it was to feel his presence at home, and how it felt to watch one another in pain and grief after Kyron’s death. Anya provides valuable insight about how adolescents grieve and how different and often misunderstood their grief can be from the adults around them. She discusses some of the differences she noticed in how adolescents grieve and the expectations she encountered from well-meaning adults around her regarding how she grieved or expressed her emotions at times when she was trying to achieve a sense of normalcy or distance from her grief. It was refreshing to hear her express thoughts such as “can you accept that I am fine and let’s move on?” On the flip side, Anya realized that although these expectations were annoying or that she often felt misunderstood, there are some adolescents without anyone invested in their emotional well-being after the death of a parent. Perhaps the biggest difference in grief between Tami and Anya is the relationship they were grieving. Tami was his wife; his life partner and they had planned to grow old together as a couple. Anya was his daughter, and early in her life, like all children, she was completely dependent on her parents to anticipate and meet her needs while growing up. As she grew from a child to a teenager, her relationship with her mom and dad changed as her identity, beliefs, life-experiences, friends, interests, and dreams were maturing as well. For many, there comes a time in the parent-child relationship when a shift occurs, and the relationship dynamics change. Anya realized that she was not only grieving the death of her father as a person, but she was also grieving a future loss, the loss of having an adult relationship with her father. Please join our Facebook group “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.” If you would like to leave a message for Anya, we will make sure that she gets it. There is also family pictures of Tami, Anya and Kyron.

In today’s podcast I interview Tami Millard, who shares with us her grief and healing experiences after the sudden death of her husband, Kyron, and what it was like to raise her teenage daughter who was also grieving. Shortly after her husband’s death, Tami returned to the workplace briefly before the COVID lockdown which further complicated how she and her daughter grieved. During our interview, we explore Tami’s efforts to learn about grief, the different ways she processed her feelings, and where she is now in her grief and in her life, almost 4 years after her husband’s sudden death. Key points: Tami introduces her personal mission, which is to increase awareness of the whole self, specifically the social emotional aspects of who we are as individuals. She takes a whole self-approach to her grief and describes the multiple efforts she engaged to explore her feelings, connect with her inner thoughts, and monitor the relationship between her grief and the impact it had on her ability to parent, work and meet the other responsibilities in her life.  After Kyron’s death Tami began to investigate grief; she read about it and wrote about it. She turned to her faith, relied on her support systems and used her internal beliefs to guide her, and help her cope with the most difficult experience of her life. Tami reflects on her learnings and thought processes in grief.  She shares that she is now stepping deeper into carving out her identity, figuring out who she is as an “I” instead of a “we” and envisioning the next chapters of her life that will include the essence of Kyron and her previous existence. In my podcast I share an excerpt from Sarah Nannen’s grief manifesto that was meaningful to Tami during her healing process: “I remain open to learning from my pain. I remain open to experiencing true joy. I remain open to experiencing longing. I remain open to practicing gratitude. I remain open to knowing that gratitude and longing are allowed to walk hand-in-hand. I trust that the depth of my pain is not a reflection of the way I honor you, my life is. I remain open to receiving what comes next on this journey of life, knowing what has been will always be part of my story, and therefore, me.” Please join our Facebook group “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.” I have included a sample of Tami’s writing along with a short video and family pictures in the Facebook group. To learn more about hope and guidance after sudden or unexpected death please visit therapyheals.com and sign up for my monthly newsletter Guidance in Grief at www.therapyheals.com. Bye for now.

 In today’s podcast I interview Dr. Robert Niemeyer, Professor Emeritus of the Department of Psychology at the University of Memphis. Dr. Niemeyer is a leader in the field of Thanatology, the science or study of death, dying and bereavement. He has published 33 books, including the New Techniques of Grief Therapy: Bereavement and Beyond, and serves as the Editor of the journal of Death Studies. He is the author of over 500 articles and book chapters and a frequent workshop presenter. As a clinician and researcher, he is perhaps best known for his work on meaning making in grief and is currently working to advance a more adequate theory of grieving as a meaning-making process. Key points: In our interview we explore the meaning making process of grief after a sudden or unexpected death and the concept of narrative reconstruction used in meaning making. Dr. Niemeyer also demonstrates three techniques that can be used in therapy to facilitate meaning making after a traumatic loss each of three domains: 1) the story of the event, 2) the backstory, and 3) the creation of the self, or meaning of our lives, going forward. He used a technique called restorative retelling, developed by Dr. Ted Rynearson, to help find meaning with the story of the event. Dr. Niemeyer demonstrated this technique as an appropriate way to work with someone who is struggling with the details of the circumstances that ended their loved one’s life. For the second domain, he showed us a way to restore connection with a deceased loved one to communicate what needs to be said. And finally, for the third domain he described a technique called composition work. This intervention uses objects such as stones to represent aspects of the self, such as, roles and feelings along with other articles to represent those who are important and loved in an individual’s life. Then the objects and articles are rearranged on a table or sand tray at different life periods of a client’s life including prior and post death, and in the future to help connect with different and emerging parts of the self. Dr. Niemeyer is also the Director of the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition and shares opportunities available at the institute for clinicians interested in specialized grief training. I have been fortunate to attend multiple trainings by Dr. Niemeyer over the years in person and online, and I have always left these trainings with greater insight about myself, a deeper understanding of grief and new ways to work with clients who are living with grief. In addition to the opportunities Dr. Niemeyer shared at the Portland Institute for Loss and Transition, he has also just released a Grief Therapy Masterclass entitled: Advanced Skills in Working through Loss. This class covers the meaning-based model he briefly addressed today along with a module on trauma-informed approach to loss, realigning relationships with the deceased and reinventing the self after loss.   Information about this masterclass will be posted in our Facebook group, Talking About the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin, along with the books he mentioned. If you are living with traumatic grief, you may find it helpful to begin exploring meaning with your therapist or to begin exploring some of the resources Dr. Niemeyer recommended on your own.

In today’s podcast I interview Dr. Donna Shuurman, the senior director of advocacy and education for the Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children and Families. Dr. Shuurman also served as Executive Director of the Dougy center for approximately 25 years and was instrumental in growing and shaping the organization into the amazing resource it is today. The Dougy center is a nonprofit organization based in Portland, Oregon, and their mission is to provide grief support in a safe place where children, teens, young adults, and their families can share their experiences before and after a death. The Dougy center also provides support and training locally, nationally, and internationally to individuals and organizations seeking to assist children who are grieving. In addition to her work at the Dougy Center, Dr. Schuurman is an international expert on children’s grief, and she has worked extensively with children, teens, and families in grief both after expected and unexpected loss. She has extensive experience working with families and communities after large-scale tragedies and natural disaster including the Oklahoma City bombing, Japan’s Great Hanshin Earthquake, the attacks during 9/11 and the Sandy Hook school shootings. After following Dr. Schuurman and the Dougy Center for so many years, I was excited to have an opportunity to spend time together to understand what led her to specialize in children’s bereavement, learn about her personal experiences, and provide her with the opportunity to share Dougy Center resources with this audience. Key points: Many adults and even professionals misunderstand the grieving experiences and needs of children and young adults which can be detrimental to their healing and physical and mental health in later life. The bereavement needs among children has become a national problem that must be understood and addressed. Thankfully, organizations such as the Dougy Center exist to provide services, training, and support for childhood bereavement. Current estimates indicate that approximately 6 million children in the United States will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the time they are 18 years of age. This means that roughly 1 out of every 12 children will experience a death in their nuclear family of parents and siblings. By age 25, this number more than doubles to 14.7 million children and youth who will experience the death of a parent or sibling. These numbers come from the Childhood Bereavement Estimation Model, a tool that has been developed by Judi’s House and the JAG Institute, in partnership with the New York Life Foundation, that approximates rates of U.S. children and youth who will experience the death of a parent or sibling by the time they reach adulthood. This model can also estimate loss by geographic regions and among different ethnic groups. For more information on this model including downloadable resources please visit www.judishouse.org. The death of an immediate family member in a young person’s life is one of the most commonly reported difficult childhood experiences. When not addressed, childhood grief and trauma can cause poor performance in school, mental health problems and even early mortality. Grief support and other appropriate services can decrease the risk for future problems and increase healthy adaptation and healing. Dr. Shuurman’s advice to families with grieving children was to get support. Even if you reside outside the Portland area, the Dougy Center website has a wealth of resources including their searchable World-Wide directory which lists organizations and grief groups including those trained by the Dougy Center. There are also online resources and worksheets for kids, teens, young adults, parents and caregivers, schools, communities, and resources in Spanish. There is information specific to relationship losses including siblings, parents, grandparents as well as information specific to how a loved one died for example death from COVID, suicide, homicide, accidents, and there are support materials for families who have loved ones who are in the process of dying.  If you want an opportunity to connect with Dr. Donna Shuurman, please join our Facebook group “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.” The Facebook group includes a direct link to their podcast, Dr. Shuurman’s biography and the of course information about the Dougy Center.

In today’s podcast, I interview Heather Renfroe, whose son Adam, died by suicide approximately 15 months ago. Heather courageously shares her son’s mental health struggles, criminal background, and her beliefs about receiving support after his death. Heather talks about the conscious decisions she made to change her grieving patterns to be a better role model for her daughter, how she ultimately found her voice, and her plans for helping others in the future. Key Points: There were so many important and interconnected themes that were touched on during today’s interview. These themese includes the intensity of trauma symptoms that can occur in the immediate aftermath of a traumatic death, police and media involvement, healthy and unhealthy coping mechanisms, isolation and the power of human connection, how grief evolves over time, and shame. In the podcast I share several excerpts from a letter that Heather wrote to me in September, during National Suicide Awareness month, to bring some of these themes together and also introduce disenfranchised grief. In this letter Heather shares more about her son’s criminal history and her perceptions that his actions impacted her ability to ask for or receive help. We have Heather’s permission to post her letter in our Facebook Group – Talking About the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin. Heather described her experience of disenfranchised grief, a term coined by Kenneth Doka in the late 1980s. Disenfranchised grief occurs when grieving does not fit into society's acknowledgement of the death because it is not socially acceptable or publicly supported. Disenfranchised grievers like Heather can experience additional negative consequences on top of their already stressful circumstances including increased loneliness, anxiety, depression, or shame. Heather knew that she was not getting the help she needed but the shame, overwhelming pain, and burden associated with disenfranchised grief kept her feeling trapped. Heather’s experience has ignited the passion and calling for her future that she shared today. Heather found the strength within to make different choices. She started therapy and journaling and stopped watching the video tapes of her son’s death. She took risks and wanted something different for herself and her children. She still continues to struggle, misses her son greatly and experiences grief on a daily basis but is able to utilize healthy coping mechanisms. She has now found her voice and is able to be verbal and ask for support, cultivated an amazing support community, and is committed to helping others. Heather is resilient. She is a fighter, and she is able to acknowledge that she is going to be okay and even thrive after the sudden death of her son. She is now more willing than ever to step out of her comfort zone and try something new. She admits she sometimes struggles to see her strengths in the moments when she needs them the most but has surrounded herself with people who she loves and trusts. Adam’s death, like all sudden and unexpected deaths, changed Heather’s life forever. But in today’s interview, Heather said it was in a good a way, which was hard for her to admit. If you or someone you love is feeling suicidal or in need of crisis support - text or call Lifeline 24/7 at 988 to speak with a counselor If you would like to connect with Heather, please join our Facebook group Talking About the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.  

Today’s podcast features Meghan Riordan Jarvis who is a clinical psychotherapist  and specializes in grief and loss using a trauma informed approach. Meghan is an author, podcaster, and advocate for change for grief in the workplace. In our conversation today, Meghan shares how she discovered her calling to work with clients who have experienced trauma, grief, and loss, and some of the approaches she uses with her clients. She also explains the model she has developed with her colleague to provide individuals who are grieving with a daily practice to help with their grief. During our time together, Meghan and I also discuss our shared interest in shifting how the corporate work environment addresses grief in the workplace. Key Points: Meghan describes anticipatory grief using the example of consuming small cups of water that we can slowly absorb, compared to grief that comes with a sudden or traumatic loss as a form of water boarding or trying to consume enormous amounts of water that the body is unable to absorb. Meghan has a beautiful and easy to understand way of describing concepts related to grief including EMDR and uses analogy of removing stains. Meghan talks about how she approaches self-care, and her decision to care for herself by getting someone to assist and help her in work and organization. This is a good reminder that self-care comes in many shapes and sizes and is unique for everyone. I appreciated Meghan’s recommendation to block time into 3-hour increments. This is extremely helpful for those living in the aftermath of a sudden or unexpected death. Trauma leaves the mind and body so overwhelmed, that three-hour increments are a safe and manageable way to structure your day or engage in future planning when you are feeling overwhelmed by the pain or grief after the sudden or unexpected death of a loved one. I am so thankful to Meghan for her time and sharing her insights in this interview. Meghan’s first book, The End of an Hour, her personal memoir, was released earlier this week, and her second book, Can Anyone Tell Me: Essential Questions About Grief and Loss will be released October 2024. We will have information about the first book in our Facebook group, Talking About the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin along with a reference to the book, The Grieving Brain which Meghan also mentions during our interview. If you would like to connect with Meghan, please join our Facebook group Talking About the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.

In today’s podcast I interview Leia and Teya Abiador, whose 18-year-old sister, Syra, died by suicide three years ago. Leia and Teya share their stories and experiences surrounding their sister’s suicide. The sisters describe the night Syra died and how they coped with their grief early on after their sister’s death. They also talk about what it was like for them to return to school and talk with their friends and peers about their sister’s death. They also share how suicide has changed their family, how they honor Syra, and some of the things that have been the most healing in their grief experience.   Key Points: Teya and Leia share their experiences returning to school after Syra’s death. Their experience highlights how much help our society and culture needs to better support one another when we are grieving. There is so much discomfort in society at large, when it comes to talking about death, and especially suicide. We don’t know what to say or what to ask when someone is grieving. Unfortunately, so many people choose not to say anything at all or keep their distance from someone in the midst of grief.  Leia and Teya discuss how their family has changed and grown stronger after Syra’s death and how as a family they communicate at a deeper level, show their vulnerabilities, and are present with one another in new ways. The Abiador family is committed to honoring Syra together as a family unit and in their individual, meaningful ways to stay connected to her and to help with their healing. The family’s volunteer work has been a valuable part of their healing process. We cannot survive, cope, or begin the lifelong process of healing from the death of a loved one from suicide by ourselves. Families need love, support, and patience with one another during their grief and the individuals within the family system need their own set of resources and guidance to cope. Schools, workplaces, and society at large still struggle with how to best support grievers, especially grief from suicide. To borrow from a well-known phrase, it takes more than a village. After a suicide it is so important to take the time to process the overwhelming feelings and emotions that accompany the death of your loved one. Take care of yourself, express your feelings, and seek out those who can and will understand your pain. There are people and resources who know how to listen and be there if you seek them out. Suicide impacts the entire family. I am so grateful to the entire Abiador family for allowing their story to be public and their desire to prevent suicide. As September and suicide prevention month draws to a close, our efforts to prevent suicide do not and will not end. Please be familiar with the risk factors associated with suicide and remember that suicide can and does occur even when someone does not appear to have any risk factors or display any signs of distress. If you or someone you love is feeling suicidal or in need of crisis support - text or call Lifeline 24/7 at 988 to speak with a counselor. You can also visit the American foundation for suicide prevention website afsp.org   If you would like to connect with Leia or Teya, please join our Facebook group, Talking About the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.

In today’s podcast I interview Joy and Richard Abiador, whose 18-year-old daughter, Syra, died by suicide approximately three years ago. Joy and Richard share how Syra’s suicide impacted their family, differences in how they grieve, and how they have learned to live with so many unanswered questions. They also discuss their decision to be public with family and friends regarding Syra’s decision to end her life and how they have coped with their traumatic grief. Key Points: Suicide is currently the 11th leading cause of death in the United States. In 2021 there was an average of 132 suicide deaths per day and 48,123 total deaths. The highest rate of suicides is by middle age white men, but suicide rates among young adults are increasing and suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death among young adults ages 15-24. According to the national alliance on mental illness, almost 20% of high school students have seriously contemplated suicide. According to Dr. Carl Fleisher, who specializes in adolescent and child psychiatry, young people are vulnerable to suicide because of where they stand socially and developmentally. Developmentally, their pre-frontal cortex is not fully formed making them more impulsive and unable to weigh risks and consequences in the same manner as adults. Dr. Fleisher also states they are not as socially connected in society because they have not had a chance to engage in committed relationships, have children or establish themselves compared to older generations. A death by suicide is sudden but not always unexpected, especially if there have been previous suicide attempts, a family history of suicide, or other strong suicide risk factors. According to Syra’s family, her death was completely unexpected and the night they found her was filled with chaos, shock, and feelings of helplessness when they found their daughter. Joy talks about her struggles, looking for a note from her daughter or anything that would help her comprehend “the why”. She acknowledged that she has now come to a place where she has accepted that she will never know or understand Syra’s decision. Richard, on the other hand, consulted with people he trusted for guidance and advice, and developed a narrative that provided him with answers he could live with. Joy and Richard share differences in how they grieve and how they still support one another. Men and women grieve differently, and partners can grieve both separately and together within a marital unit or committed relationship. Research has shown that men tend to be more task or action oriented in their grief whereas women are more emotional, intuitive, or feeling oriented in their grieving style. September is National Suicide Prevention Month and throughout the month, mental health advocates, prevention organizations, survivors, allies, and community members unite to promote suicide prevention awareness. For more information, please visit the website for American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. If you or someone you love is feeling suicidal or in need of crisis support - text or call Lifeline 24/7 at 988 to speak with a counselor Although today’s podcast focused on the pain associated with Syra’s suicide, Joy and Richard talk about their continued loved for Syra. They continue to express this love by spending time with their family and sharing stories, honoring Syra’s dedication to the environment and tending to their sunflower garden. Syra will remain forever alive and part of their family. If you would like to connect with Joy and Richard, please join our Facebook group, Talking About the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin. My next podcast is on September 27th and will be a follow up to this interview where I interview Joy and Richard’s daughters, Leia and Teya, to learn about their experiences after Syra's suicide.

In today’s podcast I interview Debbie Rosenfelt, a Chaplain for Support 7, the nonprofit organization featured in my previous podcast episode with Executive Director Shannon Sessions. Debbie is also entrepreneur and has had a diverse personal and professional history that she intentionally integrates into helping others empower their life. In today’s interview, Debbie shares the story of her son’s death by suicide which occurred approximately 15 years ago. She reflects on her early traumatic grief experiences and the routine she developed to help her cope. Debbie also explores what she learned going through her son’s journals, encourages others to talk about suicide, and identifies how her son’s death has changed her. Finally, Debbie shares the work she is engaged with to help others empower life. Key Points: Debbie shares her perspectives about suicide and grief after living with her son’s absence for the last 15 years. She continues to grieve and heal by providing spiritual direction to others as a Chaplain and in her business empowering leaders who are grieving loss or deep sorrow. She describes an acute level of self-awareness she used to guide her through the pain and grief of Kenny’s death. For example, after learning of his loss, Debbie relied on gratitude for the time she had with her son as a protective measure from getting lost in a spiral of depression and despair. Debbie shared the grief routine she developed and utilized to help cope with her grief after her son’s suicide. I highly recommend creating and using a routine and sense of structure after an unexpected death to my clients after their world has been turned upside down and inside out. Routine’s provide structure, consistency, and a sense of normalcy during a highly chaotic period of time. Debbie shares how Kenny’s journals helped her process what happened. Many people who experience an unexpected death of a loved one to suicide are left with so many answered questions and spend a significant amount of time after the suicide trying to look for signs or answers to understand the reason why their loved one decided to end their life. They often search for what they may have missed and or blame themselves for things they believe could have been done differently in hopes of a different outcome. The sudden death of loved one changes us to the core and the suicide death of Debbie’s son altered the way she lived her life and interacted with others. Debbie acknowledged that she no longer holds back, is more forth right, straight forward, and honest in her communication with others. She lives her life differently as evident by the way she described a slower pace in work and the increased level of compassion, understanding and empathy she now has for others and their pain. She is also able to see life from a new perspective which helps her in her professional work and providing spiritual guidance to others. If you would like to connect with Debbie, please join our face book group Talking About the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin. You can also learn more about her and her consulting business working with leaders who have experienced loss or intense sorrow. Our next two podcast episodes are also related to suicide in honor of suicide prevention month. On September 7th, Joy and Richard participate in an emotional interview about their experiences after their daughter, Syra, ended by suicide approximately 3 years ago, and then on September 26, Leia and Teya, Joy and Richard’s other daughter’s share their grief experiences and how Syra’s suicide has impacted their family. Both interviews are powerful and moving and illustrate the intense impact suicide has on a family and incredible power love has in healing.

In today’s podcast I interview Shannon Sessions, Executive Director of Support 7, a non-profit organization in Washington State that partners with the South Snohomish County fire, police, and other first responder agencies to serve those in crisis. Support 7 assists first responders on scene where the crisis occurs and provides the clients they serve with safety from onlookers and media, information about practical next steps, valuable resources, and follow up support. Shannon describes the services provided by Support 7 related to sudden and unexpected death and the responsibilities associated with an organization focused on caring for others who have experienced sudden and unexpected death. She also shares with us how she was drawn to this work, how she cares for herself, and what it is like to raise a family within the first responder culture. I have seen first-hand the impact this organization has had on the lives they serve. For those of you who have experienced a sudden or unexpected death, you understand how helpful it can be to have someone assist you with practical steps and information in the moment of a crisis. Key Points: The minute you learn that your loved one has died, your world shatters and rug is pulled out from underneath you. Having a calm presence who can shelter you from the immediate chaos, give you the next steps, phone numbers to call, and anticipate your early needs is an unbelievable resource you don’t know you need at the time. The volunteer chaplains who do this work do so with their heart and souls. They provide emotional support, logistical resources, and community resources to meet the needs of those they serve. There are challenges a nonprofit such as Support 7 faces in providing this type of services both administratively and emotionally. Funding is an issue and raising funds is a full-time job. Many people may not truly realize the value of what Support 7 has to provide unless they have experienced a similar crisis or know others who have. It is hard to comprehend the totality of the behind the scenes administrative and emotional needs that go into running an organization like Support 7. There are administrative and training needs, fundraising needs, insurance and liability concerns, volunteer and support service needs, community outreach, and mobile van needs that Shannon describes along with the various other needs associated with running a nonprofit. Support 7 also tends to the emotional well-being of its volunteers who are constantly on the front lines of life and death crises. Compassion fatigue and burnout are real concerns for volunteers.  Shannon described how the volunteers laugh, cry, and support one another as a community. It is my hope there will be more organizations like Support 7 in our future. I am so grateful to Shannon for sharing her personal story, how she was drawn to this work, how she met her husband, the role her faith plays in her life, and the powerful story that led her Support 7. I have had a chance to meet Shannon’s husband and several of her children, and step into the first responder culture for brief moments of time when I go to Support 7 events and trainings. If you want an opportunity to connect with Shannon and learn more about Support 7, please join our Facebook group “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.” Shannon’s contact information is available along with the website for Support 7.

Welcome to Untethered: Healing the Pain from a Sudden Death. I am Dr. Jennifer Levin, and I specialize in traumatic death and helping individuals through the struggles, pain, trauma, and chaos of an unexpected death.    In today’s podcast I interview Cindy and Merle Meyers who reflect on their dating experiences and invite us to into their marriage after Cindy’s first husband, Dan, was killed coming home from work one night. When a new couple begins a romantic relationship after one of the partner’s has experienced the death of a loved one, it is not just a relationship of two. Circumstances depending, the presence, and in many cases the family, of the previous partner who died is a very real part of the relationship with needs of their own that must be honored and addressed. Today’s interview explores Cindy’s early coping with traumatic grief after Dan died, and her initial dating experiences with Merle. We then delve into the myriad of issues the couple had to face throughout their marriage including communication, family dynamics, coping mechanisms.   Key Points: Cindy and Merle provide insight regarding the true realities a new relationship encounters after the death of partner. We are able to see how their grief evolved and changed over the years. They have also channeled their grief experiences into other aspects of their life, especially their vocation, as they have dedicated their lives to volunteering and pursuing Chaplaincy paths to help others who are also grieving, especially grief from sudden and unexpected death. Every relationship will have their own unique challenges specific to the partners involved.  However, there are themes that we saw today that I believe the overwhelming majority of all new couples will face. The previous partner who died will always be part of the relationship and their presence will impact the relationship as a whole and not only the individual who is grieving but the new partner, associated family members, children, friends, everyone. Whenever possible, I encourage you to consciously invite the deceased partner into in your relationship or include their presence in the relationship when appropriate. If the death of the individual who died becomes a taboo subject, if it is a topic that is uncomfortable, avoided, or swept under the rug then it will most likely become the root of friction or tension. Over time, this relationship will be much easier to manage and often their presence will fade into the background once it is acknowledged and integrated. Communication about grief, idealization, comparisons, or coping mechanisms in new relationships is important. Communication is the key to any relationship, but this communication is different, it can be so hard, but it is so essential. To learn more about the professional work and bereavement support programs that Cindy and Merle are involved in please visit our Facebook group “Talking about the podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin” where there is a link to their website and programs.  Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death.  To learn more about hope and guidance after sudden or unexpected death please visit therapyheals.com and sign up for my monthly newsletter Guidance in Grief at www.therapyheals.com.

Hi everyone and welcome to Untethered: Healing the pain from a sudden death. I am Dr. Jennifer Levin, and I specialize in traumatic death and helping individuals through the struggles, pain, trauma, and chaos of an unexpected death.   In today’s podcast I am sharing a short presentation I delivered earlier in this year, followed by an interview with Rebecca Crichton who is Executive Director of the Northwest Center for Creative Aging. This event was part of their Seattle Town Hall Series, Discussing the Undiscussables and the topic of my presentation and today’s podcast is Presence within Absence which is the ability to feel, connect, or communicate with your loved ones who have died as if they were still present. I also address how and why sudden and unexpected death is different from an expected or anticipated death and the concept of post traumatic growth.  When clients are ready or open, I introduce the concepts of presence within absence or continued bonds with loved ones who are no longer living into our therapeutic work. I have witnessed the impact this type of communication, relationship, or bond can have on healing and how integrating the essence of a loved one can help someone stabilize and move forward. If you would like more information after today’s episode, please visit our Facebook group, Talking about the podcast with Dr. Levin. You will also find a link to the video from this presentation which includes audience questions and answers, the reference to Dr. Rynerson’s book that I referred during the presentation, and a link to the Northwest Center for Creative Aging. Please visit my website www.therapyheals.com to learn more about hope and guidance after sudden or unexpected death please visit my website and sign up for my monthly newsletter Guidance in Grief. 

Living with Cumulative Grief : An interview with Betty and Joey Dowling Hi everyone and welcome to Untethered: Healing the pain from a sudden death. I am Dr. Jennifer Levin, and I specialize in traumatic death and helping individuals through the struggles, pain, trauma, and chaos of an unexpected death.  In today’s podcast I interview mother and son, Betty and Joey Dowling, and we explore the concept of cumulative grief. When someone experiences multiple deaths, one right after one another, we refer to this phenomenon as cumulative grief because there is no time to process the grief from one loss, before the grief from the next death sets in. All of the sudden the emotions and grief from each death start to blend together. Today Betty and Joey share the story of the sudden death of Betty husband’s and Joey’s father Tom, and then later the expected deaths of Betty’s two son’s and Joey’s brothers Kevin and Erik, who died less than two years apart. We also talk about some of the differences Betty and Joey noted in their grief when the death was sudden versus anticipated and what it has been like for them to continue living and healing after so much loss.  Key Points: Whether death occurs in a sudden or unexpected nature or expected, cumulative grief is emotionally draining, and it intensifies complex emotions. The experience of cumulative grief can also be heightened by non-death losses including the loss of other relationships, finances, careers, health problems, and life transitions. Betty noted her challenges connecting to her husband’s grief while caring for her son Kevin and then difficulty to grieve for Kevin while caring for Erik until finally everything just rolled into one.  Joey explains how the cumulative losses amplified the number of grief triggers that he encountered, and that one trigger would resurface one memory that would lead to another memory, then another. As a result, he found himself cascaded with overwhelming memories of his dad and both of his brothers, constantly thinking about all his cumulative losses, all of the time.   If you find yourself experiencing cumulative grief it can be beneficial to your healing to take some time to grieve each of your losses separately. I discuss the techniques that I use with clients who are struggling with cumulative grief.  Death and loss, whether expected or unexpected, will always be a part of our life.  I believe the key to living with cumulative grief are to understand how multiple losses impact us, to allow ourselves to feel and express the emotions and to continue to engage in life and keep loving throughout the entire process. Our podcast Untethered is now hosted on my website www.therapyheals.com. To learn more about hope and guidance after sudden or unexpected death please visit my website and sign up for my monthly newsletter Guidance in Grief at www.therapyheals.com.

When The Trauma Impacts Grief After The Sudden Death Of A Child:  An Interview With Therapist And Author Randie Clark In today’s podcast I interview therapist and author Randie Clark. Randie is a therapist in Washington State who specializes in traumatic grief and specializes in helping people who have experienced the death of a child of any age. She co-authored the book When Your Child Dies: Tools for Mending Parents’ Broken Hearts, after her adult son David was murdered in his early twenties. She also helped establish several traumatic grief support groups into hospital bereavement programs. During our podcast interview, Randie shares the story of her son’s death, her early grief experiences, and how she coped. She also talks about the impact his death had on her decisions to pursue a career in trauma therapy.  We explore the different parts of her book and the future plans for revisions. Finally, Randie talks about some of the biggest challenges that parents face after an unexpected death of a child, and she provides guidance for getting some of these needs met.   Key Points: Randie is extremely passionate and dedicated in easing the pain for individuals living with traumatic grief, especially other parents who have also experienced the sudden death of a child.  She feels that helping others and connection are one of the best ways to cope and heal from traumatic grief. I appreciated the authenticity that Randie shared when talking about her own experience about her son David’s death.  She is now able to remember him without pain, and to use her words, “she has incorporated him into the fabric of her life”. However, she acknowledged that the sadness and ache has also become a forever part of her. Randie’s book was such an accomplishment. First, it was a healing experience for her and, second, it was and still is a compilation of education about trauma and grief, resources, and coping mechanisms specific to parents or adults who have experienced a sudden death of a child at any age.  Randie addressed so many of the challenges specific to parents, especially those related to identity, meaning making, and guilt or blame.   Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered: Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death.    Our podcast Untethered is now hosted on my website www.therapyheals.com. To learn more about hope and guidance after sudden or unexpected death please visit my website and sign up for my monthly newsletter Guidance in Grief at www.therapyheals.com.

In today’s podcast I interview psychologist and author Dr. Tina Payne Bryson.  Dr. Bryson is the author of multiple books, including Bottom Line for Baby and the following books co-authored with Dr. Dan Siegel, The Power of Showing Up and The Yes Brain, as well as The Whole-Brain Child. Tina is also the Founder and Executive Director of The Center for Connection, a multidisciplinary clinical practice, and of The Play Strong Institute, a center devoted to the study, research, and practice of play therapy through a neurodevelopment lens, both located in Pasadena, California. Tina shares her experience with the unexpected death of her father and the impact it had on her. She talks with us about how to best support both young children and teens who have experienced a sudden or unexpected death and provides tools that parents, grandparents and caring adults can use to “show up” or comfort children and teens during this challenging and difficult time. We also talk about resiliency in children and how love, support, and patience from important adult figures can help young people heal and lead healthy lives even after the experience of a sudden or unexpected death of a loved one.   Key Points: Adults serve as meaning makers for children of all ages. Young children and teens look to us for guidance on how to interpret life events, especially the challenging ones. Children and young people need the adults in their life when they are experiencing stress and difficult life challenges, especially the sudden or unexpected death of a loved one. Tina shares the 4 S’s to use with children and teens. They need to feel Safe, Seen, Soothed and Secure during these difficult times to foster healing. When it comes to grief, I highly recommend adults release any expectations about how you believe your children should react or behave in bereavement or mourning. Just let them be. Notwithstanding destructive or self-harming behaviors, children and teens will grieve in the manner they need. I encourage you to offer a safe space to process their feelings, ask questions or request additional help. When you let the grief occur in the context of this type of relationship, they are more likely to be safe, seen, secure and be soothed. Give yourself grace and compassion and know that you are enough.  Tina’s references to the attachment literature provides evidence that it only takes one caring, consistent, loving adult in a child’s life to contribute to the emotional well-being of a healthy young adult. If you want an opportunity to connect with Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, please join our Facebook group “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.”  You can also learn more about Dr. Bryson by visiting her website at www.tinabryson.com, The Center for Connection at www.thecenterforconnection.org, and the Play Strong Institute at www.playstronginstitute.com.   Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered: Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death.  Our podcast Untethered is now hosted on my Therapy Heals website. To learn more about hope and guidance after sudden or unexpected death, please visit therapyheals.com and sign up for my monthly newsletter Guidance in Grief.

Show Notes - Interview with Dr. Pamela Blair In today’s podcast I interview the Reverend Dr. Pamela Blair, perhaps best known for the book she co-authored that was first published the year 2000 entitled “I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping & Healing after the sudden death of a loved one.” Dr. Blair is a retired psychotherapist who specialized in working with individuals grieving the loss of a loved one especially after a sudden death. Although retired, Dr. Blair continues to lead grief support groups and write. In today’s podcast interview she shares her personal grief story, highlights the impact her book “I was not ready to say goodbye” had on those she worked with and explores excerpts from her new book – The Long Grief Journey.  Together we delve into the concept of long-term grief, ways to cope with continued loss that occur throughout the grief continuum, how to experience happiness within the context of grief and the notion of holding hope during grief.   Key Points: Pamela’s book, I Wasn’t Ready to Say Goodbye, has been the most consistent resource I recommend to any client who has recently experienced a sudden or unexpected death.  This book is a comprehensive guide for individuals and families who are living with a sudden death and provides information on different types of loss, for different family members at different points of time. The Long Grief Journey by Pamela Blair and Bradie McCabe is an excellent resource that covers so many of the challenges long-term grievers encounters and provides exercises you use to work through many of the areas where you may be feeling stuck. Pamela discusses hope when it comes to grief.  So many people have trouble finding hope again after a sudden death. She talks about finding hope in the support you get from family, friends, or support group members and about finding hope in new growth in nature.  Her thoughts brought me back to the interview I had with Kim Cantin, who described finding happiness in new, simpler things in life, mainly with connections to people where she experienced joy in their presence.  I encourage those of you struggling to find hope in your life right now after the devastating sudden loss of a loved one to examine how you are defining hope.  Perhaps you are still using definitions of hope from the life you lived prior to your unexpected death.  It may be time to redefine your concept of “hope” in a way that matches your current experiences. If you want an opportunity to connect with Dr. Pamela Blair, please join our Facebook group “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.”  The Facebook group for this week’s podcast also contains the reference for the book on continuing bonds discussed in this podcast by Dr. Denis Klass as well Dr. Blair's website and information about her new book – The Long Grief Journey. For more information on Dr. Pamela D. Blair, please visit http://www.pamblairbooks.com. Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death.   Our podcast is now hosted on my website www.therapyheals.com. Our next podcast will be on June 7th and will feature Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, LCSW, PhD, Founder and CEO of The Center for Connection; author of New York Times Bestsellers The Whole-Brain Child & No-Drama Discipline. To learn more about hope and guidance after sudden or unexpected death please visit therapyheals.com and sign up for my monthly newsletter Guidance in Grief at www.therapyheals.com. Bye for now.

In today’s podcast I interview Dr. Mariel Tourani, a psychiatrist who treats people struggling with the aftermath of a sudden or unexpected death. Dr. Tourani shares how she got started in psychiatry, she provides us with an excellent overview about the clinical differences between grief and depression, talks about the diagnosis of prolonged grief disorder and how medication can benefit someone who has experienced a sudden or unexpected death. Dr. Tourani also discusses symptomatology related to sudden or unexpected death, how long most people stay on medications, and she shares a case example that illustrates how our own perception of grief can get in the way of understanding someone else’s experience. Key points: Dr. Tourani discusses the distinction between grief and depression and that even though there are specific diagnostic criteria for each it can still be messy at times. However, medication and therapy can be effective with both, especially when used in combination.  Individuals who experience an unexpected or traumatic loss are at increased risk for prolonged grief disorder. Unexpected death complicates the grieving process and the trauma symptoms that many people experience make grief even more challenging and extend the grief continuum. Although there is no timeline in grief, it usually takes longer to work through and process an unexpected or traumatic death than one that was anticipated. After a sudden or unexpected death, clients report feelings misunderstood even from their practitioners. Make sure you surround yourself with friends and professionals who take the time to understand your situation and listen to your needs.  If you want an opportunity to connect with Dr. Tourani please join our Facebook group “Talking about the Podcast Untethered with Dr. Levin.”  Thank you so much for joining today’s episode of Untethered Healing the Pain After a Sudden Death. Our podcast is now hosted on my website www.therapyheals.com. To learn more about hope and guidance after sudden or unexpected death please visit therapyheals.com and sign up for my new video – Sudden and Unexpected Death is Different:  Caring for yourself & others after unexpected loss. Please visit www.therapyheals.com to sign up.