Bad Planning

Hi Linda,It's Thanksgiving and this file corrupted so I had to edit it again! But honestly I deserve it as a descendant from colonists on a holiday that literally celebrates colonialism??? Like come on you guys. Anyway, enjoy this last full episode before we do our traditional reflection episode next week! We talk about everything under the sun and it's a little disjointed but we think you'll enjoy it <3 See you next week queens!Love,Bad Planningbadplanningpod@gmail.com

I just can't y'all. 30 minutes from now you won't need a description, suck it up.

Are you going to understand this title? Probably not, but it’s not our responsibility at this point. Use your imagination <3

Hi Kevin,Welcome to the first episode of #NO(THEME)BER, the month where we free ourselves from thematic cages and do whatever the hell we want. Fuck ya. It's also the month of brevity, so here are the cameos:The tenuous dynamics between the ego, id, and superego of Quill's local coffee shopThe dire need to look crusty, dusty, and musty in your caffeinated watering hole Trying to saran wrap the deep crevices out of your fugly concentration face so that you can look fuckable to your barista crushCircle jerking into each other’s successive cups of coffee, snorting coke, and talking to the Spanish Consulate... all things you do in DC coffee shopsHaving access to the nuclear codes but still messing up coffee orders The sounds of New York overstimulating you but at least you're drinking from a difficult mug Quill casting a giraffe-size shadow over his local coffee shopDrink every time we say 'local coffee shop'Coming to a local coffee shop near you,Bad Planning Podcast (@badplanningpod@gmail.com)Email us or no iced latte for you <3

Hi Saturn,What a cute celestial name. Anyway, it's hell week for both of us so here are the cameos from the episode where we talk about spooky art to close out #OCTOOKY:Audrey’s love for scary children’s book illustrationsShe lost 30 lbs but it's because she's been trapped in a trunk dead for 30 years #whatsthatsmellUs figuring out how shadows operate in today's societyDisheveled hair doing the mostThe cheeked-up nature of Saturn’s son from that one Goya painting #notwiththosehips #sitongoyasface #mentalhealthawarenessWe hope you like art history,Bad Planning badplanningpod@gmail.com(email us or Goya's going to eat your entire ass in front of your whole family <3)

Hi Matt......................First of all, fuck you. Second of all welcome to the penultimate episode of OCTOOKY!! In today's episode, Quill and Audrey shoot the spooky shit and talk about everything under the full moon, including gossip, machetes, and punchable offenses. Honestly, it's a great social commentary and you should be so lucky to get advice from flawless queens like us. We have never made a mistake and our faces are distinctly un-punchable.Cameos include kind of a lot of things:the positive correlation between those who don't like horror and those who haven't done inner work #cognitivebehavioraltherapy #ifyoudon'tlikehorrormoviesyoudon'tseemethrowing shade at an unnamed ex #matt #hisnameismatt the real scary thing about scary movies in a theater being getting shot #america #usa #patriotismtraumabonding through horror movies <3 getting caught behind slow walkers in a hot corn maze in california #iwillhackyourachillestendonwithamachete #trywalkingnowbitchgetting deep into haunted house fantasies #single #touchstarved #bicep gossipping being a valid, challenging storytelling exerciseus boycotting going into the basement in the horror movieus being WHET for Haunting of Hill House us being FUCKING DRY for Midnight Mass a deep analysis of punchable faces #facepunchability #punchableoffense Anyway...Matt.........watch your back because I will find you and kill you. You do have a punchable face. Like so bad.Love,Bad Planning <3 email us or end up like Matt #knifeemoji 

Hi Stella. Whatever you do… don’t break into the basement of that old fucking mansion in your culdesac, take the book that is bound in human skin, and then be surprised when reading it kills all your closest family and friends. This is 2023. Anyway, welcome back to #OCTOOKY! In this episode, Quill and Audrey dive into the movie adaptation of what the American Library Association dubbed 'the most criticized book among parents in the '90s'—Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark. If your idea of a good time is listening to two queens summarizing the plot of a movie badly and out of order, then this is the episode for you. Subscribe today for 20% off your next Viagra order with code #AmericanLibraryAssociation.Now that we’re all confused, here are some cameos:Being jealous of the walkie-talkie vibes of the 60s - we were robbed A DEVASTATING  pierrot outfit, worn by a barely pubescent, sexually ambiguous 12-year-old boy Spiders crawling out of your cystic acneAuggie hating his mom and toes, generallyJocks taking their rage out on skin-covered scarecrows Religious trauma turning the DUFF into jailbaitAn ethnically ambiguous but pasty psych ward patient slow-walking towards a sticky embrace #thatfrockisdirty Moving further into the house towards the danger instead of getting the fuck out of the house #whitepeoplethingsMe-Tai-Do-Tee-WalkerOmg was Sarah not the bad guy?

Hi Chucky!!Welcome to the first episode of OCTOOKY, the month where the vibes are sinister but the stories are like a minister gently resting his hand on your leg during mass…If that didn’t make sense to you, then idk what to tell you. It’s called using your imagination.In today’s episode, Quill & Audrey return to their roots and dive into the world of horror villains…but like into a pretty shallow pool because all we do is play a ranking game with said villains. In fact “dive” is probably not a super great word. It’s more like “skim the surface with a series of hypotheticals.” But I think you get the fucking idea <3 Cameos include: The audible pain in our voices as we try to push through technical difficulties with a good attitude <3 Tonsil stones dislodging into your mouthWalruses driving UbersParasitic, vestigial twinsAn almost academic dissection of toe sucking The Terrifier slaying the runwayArmie Hammer being himselfTBH that was a SUPER GOOD start to OCTOOKY, y’all. Keep your hopes up for us having another cute one next week.See you later, scary!Bad Planningbadplanningpod@gmail.com 

Hello Floptina,We are devastated to inform you that this week's episode CASUALLY STOPPED RECORDING LIKE 15 MINUTES IN. In the LAST episode of REACTEMBER, we paid homage to the month by somehow managing to polish the steaming turd of mediocre app reviews into a cute and fun  time ONLY FOR IT NOT TO RECORD THE WHOLE THING <3 We love this humbling moment for us. So, because we couldn't muster the strength to re-record (and for the record, we would never do that, as we respect the artistic process of recording an episode with no plan, and never looking back), all you get is the first few minutes of what was recorded. It turns out that is just an update of our life and a brief stint of complaining about Instagram.LOVE YOU and see you for OCTOOKY <3 Frustratedly,Bad Planning(badplanningpod@gmail.com)email us or i swear to god <3 

Hi Felicity, The next time you go to Tegucigalpa, consider flying out of the Denver Airport. Why, you ask? Because we know what you really want is to be met with frightening horse statues with glowing eyes and murals simultaneously celebrating Pride and The Third Reich. Werk.In our penultimate episode of #REACTEMEBER, Quill & Audrey close out the discussion on conspiracy theories. If you thought Melissa was crazy, wait till you hear about the lizard people under the Denver Airport. But in all seriousness, make sure the conspiracy theories you’re consuming aren’t anti-semitic and science-denying <3 Cameos include:A petition to get the “Children of the World Dream Peace” mural out of baggage claim 6inhale gay, exhale gayhats giving third reich“The gays are welcome here, surprisingly”– Quill“I’d like to not like it in a museum, not an airport” – QuillBeing terrified of the pretentious nature of the MoMA #guano“That’s called incest over and over, nor porphyria” – Quill, referencing the royal familyTegucigalpa #iykyk2 for $6 fish fillets Viciously and suspiciously,Bad Planning (badplanningpod@gmail.com)

Hi Melissa (if that's your real name...),Welcome to the second installment of Reactember! **A crowd of 16 consistent listeners goes wild**Join Quill & Audrey as they dive into the chaotic and (genuinely) dangerous world of conspiracy theories. Cameos include:Avril Lavigne's doppelgänger, Melissa (fake name)The entirety of Gen-Z being Melissa“I would gladly eat a bug to make you STFU for once” – Audrey, Eat Bugs AdvocatePigeons being the poster child for the Birds Aren’t Real campaignPigeon-oriented Venn DiagramsStick around for part 2,Bad Planning (badplanning@gmail.com)email us or i swear to god <3

Hi Amy,Welcome to the first episode of REACTEMBER - where the media is toxic but, who are we kidding, so are we. <3  If it wasn't already painfully obvious by our ingenious combination of the words "react" and "September," Bad Planning's September episodes will revolve around our reactions to whatever juicy media we can find! Whether it's the dirty fanfic your mom is hiding between the mattresses or the conspiracy theories currently tearing this country apart, we'll try our best to make it fun!We’re high key excited to be here for the fanfic episode because why did these stories low key slap? Did someone say Jane Austen?? Seriously, the creative genius is thriving.If you’re also into ruining your most innocent childhood memories with smut, join us for the following cameos in today’s episode:The audacity of fan fictionThe ladies of Victorious being sapphic - as God intended Christopher Robbins’s white rectumDiabetes honey piss????Pregnant GrassShrek’s daddy’ kinkUs reflecting on our inappropriate obsession with the Bee MovieExtremely elaborate outfit descriptionsMaggie Smith in her many forms The scent of France Sexually,Bad Planning

Hi Jacoby,"Let's make this episode about quotes." – Us, 2023.For those of you who scored below average on their SAT, this episode is about quotes. If that wasn't clear, someone needs to work on their deductive reasoning. (It's not us in case, in case someone REALLY needs to work on their deductive reasoning.)In the last episode of Scandalgust (sad...), Quill & Audrey play a game of "Who Said It?" where the rules are simple: guess which scandalous individual said the quote that the other person brought to the table. But to make it interesting, you have to pick from a list of scandalous individuals that is actually much longer than the number of quotes we have. Have you ever been less interested in a game? Because same.The cameos may or may not include:Caligula: Roman EmperorMartha Stewart: Retail businesswomanTony Hayward: “British businesswoman” according to Quill but for the record this is a manAnthony Weiner: Has certitudeIssa Rae: No introduction neededKristin Stewart: Actor, lesbianTyra Banks - America’s Next Top Model, also a model, sometimes kind of a a bitch, but also…an icon, but Namoi did it betterRichard Nixon: AssholeHugh Grant: Sometimes ALSO kind of an asshole dude, British actorDoja Cat: Bitch I’m a cow, COVID pandemic extraordinaire, does a lot of songsFastidiously,Bad Planning (badplanningpod@gmail.com)email us or I swear to god <3

Hi Kim! Welcome to the penultimate episode of SCANDALGUST. Not going to lie, we weren't into it last week, but we've had a huge change of heart and now we're really sad to see her go. In today's episode, Quill & Audrey continue our deep dive into scandals of the internet and, you guessed it, they're just as tepid as the Pacific Ocean when global warming finally defeats her and we all die and join the billionaires next to the carcass of the Titanic #myheartwillgoon #willmyheartgoon #orwillitstopbecauseidrownedToday's cameos include:Laxatives <3The prospect of unwinding late stage capitalism by licking Elon Musk’s favorite donutDiscussing the merits of framing someone for shitting in a urinal as a petty revenge tactic Us wishing we had a workplace bestie :( Us coming full circle and empathizing with people who had lame scandals because we couldn’t think of a SINGLE personal oneAudrey being a quiz queen and making us take a “Which Scandal Character Are You” quiz We're getting really good at this,Bad Planning (badplanningpod@gmail.com)email us or i swear to god <3

Hi Wanda, let's cut to the chase...we really don't want to do scandals anymore, but that sucks for us because we're knee-deep in SCANDALGUST and we have two more scandal-oriented episodes in the pipeline. #layingpipe #whatevenisapipeline #frackingIn today's episode, Quill & Audrey bring you scandals that are more lukewarm than the  water in your mom's home birth kiddie pool that she purchased from Dollar General #congratulations #that'salotofblood #bredthanddepth On that note, today's cameos include:Us losing $10k USD per episode Elitist hot tub swinger parties  An enthralling discussion on work husbands #sexydavidfromaccountingThe devil coming in many gendersA deep exploration in to the Brits’ collective need to sweep things under the rug until it explodesUs dangerously toe-ing the line of when it is and isn’t okay to sleep with your step siblingsCEOs putting the me in teambuilding and exuding small peepee energyMen being generally disappointing and ineffective in the workplaceUs getting INVESTED in the ins and outs of how, when, and why we are competitive in team building exercises Disingenuously, Bad Planning (badplanningpod@gmail.com)email us or I swear to god <3

Hi Janet! Listen, last week we talked about the audacity of White Men and this week we're basically talking about the exact same thing because it's the Media (+ Justin Timberlake lol). Welcome to the second installment of SCANDALGUST...the month where the weather is hot but the scandals are like the inside of a pepperoni Pizza Roll fresh out of the oven at your parents' Super Bowl Halftime Party in the early 2000s.Picture this...you're 7. You just got inside from a long day of running unsupervised through your cul-de-sac with a popsicle DRIPPING down your arm in the hot sun and now you're all sticky. Great. Now picture your sticky finger reaching for the remote to turn on Super Bowl XXXVIII (can we talk about how fucking annoying roman numerals are) when your father quite positively clotheslines you on his way to turn off the TV because of AN INNOCENTLY FREED NIPPLE on an even MORE innocent pop star named JANET JACKSON. Queen. In today's episode Quill recaps the dramatic and misogynistic response to a wardrobe malfunction on the national stage. If Justin's gonna have you naked by the end of this song then we're going to have you FIRED UP in red hot feminist rage by the end of this episode. Cameos include:Our four nipplesJanet's one nippleThe void-like lack of damage to Justin Timberlake's career post-nipple gateAn ironically OUT of sync sense of accountability from NSYNC's finest The media being MEAN, MEAN BITCHES, only caring about controlling women's bodies and taking away gay rightsScooter Braun's dirty-looking upper lip area In Janet's name we praise,Bad Planning (badplanningpod@gmail.com)

Hi Nan! WELCOME TO SCANDALGUST, the month where the weather is hot but the scandals are like bare legs going down a tin slide that has been sitting in the Georgia sun for DECADES. Did someone say tetanus-infected third-degree burns? I did. And I will again. (Synonym for "anyway"), in this inaugural episode of SCANDALGUST we thought we'd add to the steaming discourse of the many dangers of giving mediocre white men LOTS of unchecked power, as demonstrated by the current political climate of the United States...but also demonstrated by the Teapot Dome Scandal, which is what this episode is about lolol.Now that we wrote a whole dissertation about the fact that today's episode is about the Teapot Dome Scandal, here are the cameos from today's episode:Audrey almost dropping her very expensive law school iPad not once but twiceA political scandal involving a bunch of greedy, horny, mediocre white men…WHO IS SURPRISEDHarding’s presidency giving damp dish towel…and BLOWHIOHarding being HARD for the ladies and basically dying due to the stress of being a SCANDALOUS QUEENAlbert Bartreese Fall"Can I get a side of cultural heritage" - QuillThe Republican National Committee doing classic RNC thingsQuill and Audrey taking “Which President Are You” quizzes and being absolutely chuffed by the resultBye.

Hello Citronella, did you forget about us? Of course you did, because we didn't get a single email from any of you over the three months we've been gone. Way to kick us while we're down on the ground choking on the absolutely CHUNKY air quality that has been plaguing the Northeast for the better part of this summer.Anyway, to kick off Season THREE, hosts Quill & Audrey share manifestations for S3, recap their summer adventures, and generally welcome you ungrateful, disengaged  motherfuckers back into our warm bosoms <3 Now moisten your dry-ass palette for these cameos:Audrey’s sexy and sweltering move to DCQuill’s cheeks swimming in the blistering NYC subway heatAudrey's meaningless and petty beef with an unnamed podcast that we've ALWAYS SAID THAT WE'RE BETTER THAN <3. That is huge tea if you read between the lines, but you won't because you don't read our descriptions.Quill's personal goal to get his tongue to the roof of his mouth and enunciate England's ineffective approach to A/C...it might as well be an intern fucking blowing air at you through a straw from the corner of a 30,000 sq ft warehouseUs begging on our knees for one of you to just fucking engage with us We also gave you our whole ass plan for Season 3 while also not guaranteeing any of it because it’s called Bad Planning for a reason:SCANDALGUSTREACTEMBEROCTOOKYNOTHEM(E)BERIf the above themes aren't as obvious as they should be, we have a fucking EMAIL that we've been asking you to connect with us on. We've literally tried to create ample opportunities for you to connect through one of our various channels so GOD HELP ME if we have to go to Threads we will.  Best,Bad Planning (badplanningpod@gmail.com) 

Hi Bitches, we fucking did it. Season two is over. Fuck you guys (except the listener from Germany, we love you Frauline, please don't ever stop listening and please email us your actual name). Don't listen to this episode TOO MUCH because we don't want it to overshadow the other episodes of Season 2, which were FIRE, which is exactly what we discussed in this episode. We love a full circle moment. In simpler and more professional terms, we just spent this episode telling you our most and least favorite things about the season and gave you some behind the scenes TEA. We look forward to seeing you for SEASON 3 in August. Trust that we will be hotter, sweatier, super angry, and ready to fight.Tata for now. Xoxo Gossip Squirrel. See you next Tuesday. Auf Wiedersehen. Da. - Quill & Audrey

Hi Cliffany, in today's episode, join Tiffany & Biffany for the LAST episode of Sex Month (insert crying shitting and throwing up emoji here but also fire emoji, nails emoji, and knife emoji) where we discuss the 30,000 year history of sex toys as well as two pretty lame lists about what heterosexual people find sexy.Today's SENSUAL cameos include:Shit getting weird in 500 BCUs living for the Ancient Greeks being FREAKSHumans having a propensity for shoving other human-like things into our crevicesSex toy renaissance of 1300 AD Christ coming and saying “no sex for you”Cock rings made out of goat eyelidsUs complaining about BC & AD and having to live our lives around Christ all the timeA full haystack coming out of your urethra Francine the sex doll #RIP George Taylor, MD owing us a huge explanation The strap on being invented by a VENTRILOQUIST 1995 being the year of the Pig AND the year of the flesh light TLDR:  People have been and always will be horny, but what's important is that people care about their sexual empowerment more than their holes getting filled...but ideally both. Also, heterosexual people are boring, played out, and corny.In the words of Quill, "Tell me about the twinkle in my eye BEFORE you touch my butt."