Penny Men

There are a lot of Star Wars movies, folks, and we’re doing them all! This is hour two of our deep-dive into Attack of the Clones, the alleged favorite of George Lucas himself (is that true? we may never know)! Your hosts — Wicket W. Warwick, Figurine Dan, and Droopy McCool — are joined, as always, by unexpected guests who somehow keep breaking into the studio! Lock the door, guys!In this installment, the Penny Men (or Penny Guys, or the Larry Fine Fan Club, depending on the moment) tackle everything from Anakin’s Tusken Raider massacre to Obi-Wan’s asteroid belt chase, from the Coliseum cat-fight to Yoda’s surprisingly spry lightsaber duel!Along the way, they: Debate Padmé’s questionable dating choicesReimagine droid factory slapstick with “Yakety Sax” Mourn the fate of poor JangoAnd chart the rise of everyone’s favorite secret Sith puppetmaster: Jar Jar Binks!Also on the docket: Kenan & Kel cameos that never wereMace Windu almost dropping the F-bombThe logic of C-3PO’s detachable headTrilogies within trilogiesAnd the eternal truth that all Star Wars stories eventually become toy commercials!It’s chaos, it’s canon, and it’s everything George never wanted you to hear — live from the 64-bit avant-garde cast!

🎙️ The Penny Men are back in a galaxy far, far away, but this time it’s the prequels — brighter, clunkier, and full of baffling Jedi logic! Gregory, Tom, and Ben dive into The Phantom Menace, where podracing rules, Sith reveal themselves with double-bladed sabers, and young Anakin is either the Chosen One or just a kid with a Slipknot-style slave bomb in his neck! Then it’s on to Attack of the Clones, featuring awkward romance, Obi-Wan playing hardboiled space detective, and an entire clone army signed off without a single Jedi reading the fine print! And of course, George Lucas himself drops by the studio to defend battle droids, sleep on the couch, and remind everyone that Jar Jar was essential to his “vision!”

The Penny Men return to Tatooine, where things are as sandy, strange, and slave-collared as ever! Qui-Gon Jinn is out here negotiating with Watto like he’s on Pawn Stars, waving Republic credits around while the Toydarian tells him to take a hike! Padmé, meanwhile, is doing her best “shocked princess” impression straight out of The Hidden Fortress as Shmi lays out how slavery works on this backwater desert planet!We get the grand tour of Anakin’s life: His pod racerHis gang of child friends (who might or might not include a proto-Greedo)And of course the legendary introduction of “Naked C-3PO,” the most merchandise-ready moment in cinematic history!You’ve never truly lived until you’ve seen Anthony Daniels without his golden shell!Then it’s time for the main event: the podrace! Part Ben-Hur, part Nintendo 64 loading screen, part live-action Wacky Races with Sebulba throwing banana peels and fireballs at a ten-year-old! Greg Proops is there as a two-headed announcer, Jabba the Hutt is briefly conscious long enough to wave at the crowd, and George Lucas is off-screen mumbling, “This will make the kids scream!”Between laps, Qui-Gon is running blood tests and muttering about midichlorians, casually dropping the bomb that Anakin’s got a higher power level than anyone—including Yoda! Is it Dragon Ball Z? Is it dog police? Is it the immaculate conception subplot nobody asked for? All of the above!Meanwhile, on Coruscant, the Galactic Senate is revealed to be the least cinematic thing possible: Thousands of floating beanbag chairsToo many fish-faced ambassadorsAnd Palpatine’s first big move toward becoming Emperor!Jar Jar accidentally sets himself on the road to political office, and the word “democracy” has never sounded shakier!But we’re not done—because the movie’s not done: Padmé reveals she was the Queen all alongThe Gungans get drafted into a war they didn’t wantAnd somewhere in the shadows Darth Maul is revving his motorcycle lightsaber, ready to crash the whole party!It’s a podrace, it’s a senate hearing, it’s a prophecy, it’s a red velvet cake of bad decisions: this is The Phantom Menace, Penny Men style!

The Penny Men return, but they’re not alone! George Lucas has crashed the recording yet again, dragging Jabba, Seinfeld, and half of the extended muppet-verse into Ben’s apartment!They swear this time it’s going to be an “official” episode, but between Ewoks in the guest room, Christopher Walken wandering the halls, and Jar Jar trying to grab the mic, it’s hard to tell where the party ends and the podcast begins!Somehow, though, Tom and Greg actually dive into The Phantom Menace! They break down:Trade disputesThe Gungan life-debt clauseBoss Nass’ bongoAnd Weird Al’s clairvoyant songwriting!George offers “notes” from the kitchen while frosting a nine-layer cake, Jar Jar insists he’s the best part of the movie, and Chris for sure has some strong feelings about toasters!Topics covered include:Did anyone really want the Special Editions, or was it just the toy companies?The hype machine of 1999: Pepsi cans, Taco Bell, and endless waiting in line!When exactly George decided Star Wars needed prequels!Which camp counselor from Camp Candy could actually talk to animals!Why there are always bigger fish!It’s the prequel trilogy kickoff you never asked for but definitely deserve!Naboo is under attack, the Penny Men are under siege, and the only thing more confusing than trade negotiations is why George keeps bringing up Patch Adams!

This week on The Penny Men, Ben, Tom, and Gregory pry open the carbonite-sealed vault of Star Wars Legends—because somebody had to suffer so you don’t have to! We start by debating the lost art of fight pacing, from kung fu cinema’s lightning kicks to wrestling’s slow-burn feuds, and how those ideas crash-land into the galaxy far, far away! Then we hit hyperspace into the weirdest corners of the Expanded Universe, where the rules of canon are made up and the names are blue!Topics:Grand Admiral Thrawn makes his big brain debutMara Jade shows up to make everyone nervousHan Solo accidentally wins an entire planet in a card gameLuke falls in love with a computer (sure)Emperor Palpatine refuses to stay dead—coming back not once, not twice, but so many times you start rooting for the guy!We talk about:The Sun Crusher (a ship that’s somehow stronger than the Death Star)The Force witches of DathomirAnd the questionable fashion choices of 1990s sci-fi art!Expect tangents about Remington SteeleZorroJohn BravoThe Courtship of Luke’s Sister (oops)And why every clone has to spell their name with an extra “u!”It’s lore overload, but we’re doing it for you! Buckle up as the Penny Men wrestle with the wildest Expanded Universe stories ever printed—because once you’ve stared into the abyss of Legends, the abyss starts quoting Timothy Zahn back at you!

Welcome one, welcome all, to What’s So Great About Star Wars?, the 64-bit avant-garde cast starring your Penny Men hosts in full obscure-character cosplay: Bib Fortuna, Salacious Crumb, and… Koopa? Sure, why not!The Penny Men—past, present, future; now and forever—are here for Episode 86, and yes, that number is totally on purpose (don’t fact-check us)! Why? Because this week, we’re diving into the most unexpected corners of the galaxy: Ewoks: The Battle for Endor!If you thought Caravan of Courage was wild, buckle up!We’ve got it all:Orphaned kids and talking teddy bearsSpace marauders who barely understand their own technologyA shapeshifting witch with raven powers (and questionable motives)Wilford Brimley as a grumpy old hermit who bakes muffins and owns a secret spaceshipStop-motion creatures, awkward musical interludes, and a song about stars that might haunt your dreamsAn actual battle (sort of) for Endor, complete with traps, moats, and marauders falling on their buttsPlus, we ask the hard questions:Why kill off Mace five minutes in? Did George Lucas really write this? How fast can Teek run? And how does this all fit in with Star Wars canon—or does it?Grab your slingshot, prep your hang glider, and join us as we decide once and for all: Is Ewoks II better than Caravan of Courage, or just a fever dream sponsored by oatmeal?

“Ewoks, Droids, and the Forgotten Star Wars Cartoons”Before Baby Yoda, before Clone Wars, there was… a galaxy far, far away that woke up early on Saturday mornings! That’s right—we’re talking Ewoks and Droids, the animated sidequests of Star Wars that aired in the mid-’80s and somehow lived in the deep recesses of your VHS tapes!This week, The Penny Men grab a bowl of sugary cereal, kick back on the carpet, and dive into:The Nelvana Era: Why the animation looks so Canadian and what that says about George Lucas’s choicesTheme Song Fever: From Ewok singalongs to Droids’ weird synth intro that sounds like your cousin’s garage band in 1985Economics of Endor: How the Ewoks somehow mastered barter systems and guerrilla warfareThe Droid Adventures: C-3PO and R2-D2 wandering into pulp sci-fi trouble with villains like Kaibo Ren (yes, before Kylo stole his thunder)Deep Cuts & Fun Facts:Alison Court (yes, the voice of Jubilee from X-Men: The Animated Series) pops up as MilaniWhy Boba Fett keeps showing up like he’s checking in on the wrong showHow this was all technically canon… until it wasn’tThe Big Question: Were these cartoons charming Star Wars world-building or a fever dream Lucas had during a sugar crash?Plus: Weird triviaEmbarrassing theme song singalongsAnd us trying to figure out if this was better than the Holiday Special (spoiler: yes, but only slightly)!Strap in for a nostalgia trip through a corner of the galaxy most fans pretend doesn’t exist—but we went there, and we brought receipts!

The Penny Men are back—and this time, we’ve crash-landed on Endor (and maybe in a Kmart toy aisle circa 1985)! Join us as we dive headfirst into the Ewok era, that magical post-Return of the Jedi time when Lucasfilm said, “No lightsabers? No problem!” and gave us a pair of made-for-TV epics, an Ewok cartoon, and a reason to learn Ewokese without subtitles!This episode is a nostalgic hyperspace jump through the parts of Star Wars you probably forgot, featuring:Caravan of Courage and Battle for Endor – Why these TV movies existed, what they got right (Gorax design, practical FX), and how Burl Ives somehow ended up narrating both Ewoks and Frosty the Snowman!The Great Canon Debate – Movies, holiday specials, Ewok cartoons, Marvel comics, coloring books, trading cards, and novels! What counts? What doesn’t? Does Steve Sansweet control the entire galaxy of lore from his Skywalker Ranch vault?The Origin of “Mary Sue” – A quick detour to Star Trek fanzines, the most polite insult ever invented, and how it became the internet’s favorite hot-button topic!The Toys That Made Us (and Ruined Our Budgets) – From Kmart clearance bins to Toys R Us holy grails, we share the action figures that started wars in our households! (Hint: no one wanted Gonk Droid, but someone always got stuck with him!)Unmade Sequels and Spaceballs Dreams – Why we never got Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money and how that fake poster still haunts our collective nerd brains!Math That Should Never Be Done in Public – Ewok years vs. dog years vs. Wookiee years! What even is time on Endor?Ewokese: A Linguistic Challenge – Why these movies said “subtitles are for cowards” and whether anyone on Earth can actually speak fluent Yub Nub!Also featuring:Warwick Davis appreciation hour (seriously, the man is a legend)!Gorax nightmare fuel that makes Rancors look like puppies!The Caravan of Courage debate: essential viewing or just a bold Lucasfilm tax write-off?It’s equal parts nostalgia trip, canon chaos, and absurd trivia showdown—all wrapped in a cozy Ewok blanket! So press play, grab your favorite vintage action figure, and join us as we celebrate a time when the galaxy far, far away got very, very weird… and wonderful!Yub Nub forever!

Revenge? Return? The Jedi Finale and the Bear That Eats You!The Penny Men have reached the end of the original trilogy, and boy, does this one have everything:Luke Skywalker pulling the old “But what if I can redeem him?” moveObi-Wan serving half-truths and Force ghosts in equal measureTeddy bears winning a war with sticks, logs, and sheer audacityVader’s big redemption arc (and his big egg head reveal)John Williams flexing harder than a Wookiee on Life Day!We cover the good, the goofy, and the galaxy-sized stakes:Why the title changed from Revenge of the Jedi to Return of the JediHow many Bothans really died for this plotEwok traps vs. Imperial tech (and who wins in a fair fight)Luke vs. Vader: the ultimate dad issues showdownThe Emperor’s new lightning trickAnd that ending: fires, fireworks, and Force ghosts!All that plus tangents about: WillowWeird X-Men triviaTarzan-y ChewbaccaAnd a very strong case for Ewok cannibalism! (Write in: Is it cannibalism if they eat stormtroopers?)Grab your medals, bang on some stormtrooper helmets, and join us for the galaxy’s most yub-nub-tastic party!

Welcome back to the galaxy that’s not so far, far away—because it’s happening right now on The Penny Men Podcast! This week, Greg, Ben, and Tom wrap up the Original Trilogy with Return of the Jedi (or should we say Revenge?)! We dive into everything: Jabba’s endless party of pig guardsBlue elephant bandsChains strong enough to strangle a slugLuke’s suspiciously dark new tricksAnd whether Lando is actually doing anything besides accessorizing!Expect tangents as always:What’s the deal with Waldo from the MuppetVision 3D show?Who is Jodo Kast and why is he stealing Boba Fett’s clout?Why were 1980s Marvel comics packed with psychic rabbits, orange fish boys, and porcupine Jedi?And which Looney Tunes crossover would you greenlight first—Skate Jam, Spy Jam, or Punk Jam?Plus, a heartfelt farewell to the greatest puppet death scene of all time! Bring your grappling hook, your Max Rebo playlist, and maybe a rankor snack—because we’re going out to Jabba’s barge in style!

Somehow, The Penny Men returned… to talk about the one Star War that changed everything: The Empire Strikes Back!This week, we go deep—like “Wampa cave-deep”—into the greatest sequel of all time and all the weirdness orbiting it!We’re talking:The Twist Heard ‘Round the Galaxy – How Vader broke Luke’s heart, why the line on set was way different, and which actors were actually told the truth!Empire’s Cliffhanger Chaos – Did George Lucas invent the post-credits sting without even knowing it?Marvel’s Star Wars Comics Gone Wild – Pink-haired Leia rivals! Extra Han Solo knockoffs! Darth Vader’s secret glove backstory!The Shadows of the Empire Hype Machine – A video game, a novel, a toy line… but no movie? (Spoiler: we all owned the Dash Rendar action figure!)Toy Marketing that Brainwashed Us – Kenner’s plastic empire, Lando’s questionable cape fashion, and why your parents still resent the words “Power of the Force!”Expanded Universe Fever Dreams – Han Solo’s smuggling prequels, Lando’s casino adventures, and a planet-sized dose of 80s pulp!Why Return of the Jedi Might Secretly Be the Best – Ewoks vs. Murder Bears, and how Luke almost joined the Dark Side!Bonus Round: RoboCop 3’s Robot Ninjas – We explain why this was both amazing and terrible, and why a jetpack doesn’t always save a franchise!All that, plus: OSHA violations in Cloud CityThe ethics of carbon-freezing your friendsAnd how many dismembered limbs is too many for a family saga!

The Penny Men dive headfirst into the galaxy far, far away—again! This time, Greg, Tom, and Ben chart the weird, wild gap between A New Hope and The Empire Strikes Back! Ever wonder what happened between blowing up the Death Star and Luke freezing his face off on Hoth? Marvel comics, green space rabbits, bizarre British stories (some by Alan Moore?!), and a Life Day celebration you’ll never forget—or forgive!We cover:The Star Wars Holiday Special in all its two-hour glory (Bea Arthur! Boba Fett! Erotic grandpa VR?!)The Christmas album with songs like What Do You Get a Wookiee for Christmas When He Already Owns a Comb?And Splinter of the Mind’s Eye—the book that almost became the sequel!Then it’s on to Empire Strikes Back: Probe droidsWampasForce pullsTow cablesYoda’s grammar lessonsAsteroid wormsAnd the greatest twist in movie history (even if you already know it)!Plus, Greg explains why skeleton warriors made him quit cartoons, Tom defends Bea Arthur’s place in the Star Wars canon, and Greg does his best impression of the song “R2-D2 We Wish You a Merry Christmas!” Spoiler: it’s wonderful!

The Penny Men blast off for a Star Wars: A New Hope breakdown… and promptly crash into a pile of weird trivia, bad action figures, and an uncomfortable amount of Jar Jar content!Highlights include:Why Biggs Darklighter is the best character who never matteredThe tragedy of Porkins (and his cursed name)Chewbacca’s medal snub: speciesism or simple oversight?Deleted scenes you didn’t know existed (Luke had friends??)Special Editions: who asked for more dewbacks?That horrifying Jar Jar Binks candy with the sticky tongueLEGO Star Wars specials, Ewok cartoons, and a brief flirtation with SpaceballsThe best and worst Star Wars deaths (hint: RIP Greedo’s dignity)!Come for the commentary, stay for the chaos! Punch it, Chewie!🎧 Listen now wherever you get your podcasts!

Welcome back to The Penny Men, the podcast that never actually starts, it just keeps testing! This week we promise we’re talking about Star Wars… but first we have to talk about:French NikesSegwaysGeorge W. Bush falling off a SegwayJ.R.R. Tolkien’s middle initialsJennifer Coolidge RowlingThe Notorious B.F.G.A Spielberg fever dreamBen’s cat committing acts of warGem and the Holograms action figuresFlea marketsAnd the philosophical definition of “whiny!” Somewhere in there, we actually watch Star Wars: A New Hope in release order and try to explain the plot from memory, which means you’ll hear hot takes like:R2-D2 is both the smartest and dumbest robot ever made!Tusken Raiders: masks or faces? (We don’t know either!)Obi-Wan’s greatest Jedi skill is lying from a certain point of view!Why George Lucas is basically Quentin Tarantino if he only stole from things your grandparents saw at the movies!And why Star Wars toys are the only true way to measure childhood happiness!It’s a thousand-hour conversation with three old friends (currently at hour 78), but don’t worry—we’ll make it to episode 1,000, even if we have to whiz-pop-whiz-bang our way there!

You Can’t Have These Comics – From Paul Blart to Pep ComicsPaul Blart Mall Cop! Ralph Snart! Henry Winkler! Escalators vs. Elevators! Toy penguins climbing fake mountains! The Fonz jumps sharks, wrestles in The One and Only, and somehow we end up at You Can’t Have These Comics! Independent blob demons (Yets!)X-Men “Negative One” month (Thunderbird, Warpath, Rachel Summers, Bolivar Trask’s mutant son)Transformers’ worst bot ever — Ballpoint the evil pen — and why every villain lineup needs a Sharkticon!Plus: Brak CDs“The Hootily Hoo” Milo & Otis underwear swapsGrape Ape standardsLobster butter autographsArchie’s endless spinoff multiverse (Pureheart, Hot Dog, Jughead’s Time Police, Archie vs. Predator)Pep Comics jungle cosplayHarvey Comics roll callMonkees style hijinksSonic/Sabrina crossovers Riverdale cave-peopleAnd Atari Force mini-comics!It’s a full-stack platter of mall cops, mutant cops, talking animals, sentient office supplies, and comics you definitely can’t have!

The Penny Men are back with another title-only movie pitch, and this week it’s the mysteriously ominous “The Last Return!” Nobody knows what it means, but that’s never stopped us before!In this episode you’ll get:At least three completely different movies with the same name!One tragic revenge saga, one unhinged noir fever dream, and one… well, let’s just say Tom brought something weird to the table!A heartfelt goodbye to Blockbuster (or possibly a lawsuit waiting to happen)!Too many theories about VHS tapes for a 2025 podcast!The phrase “time-traveling librarian” used in a sentence like it’s normal!A reminder that we really should not be allowed near Hollywood!So is The Last Return a gritty reboot, a cosmic finale, or just what happens when you forget to rewind your rental? Tune in to find out!

The Penny Men are back, and this time they’re armed with nothing but a title: The Last Return! That’s it! No notes, no outlines, no budget — just three guys and a microphone trying to spin cinematic gold out of a vague, Blockbuster-sounding phrase!Gregory pitches a Mad Max–by-way-of-the-library epic, where one man must carry the most overdue book in history across a wasteland of burnt trees, weird McDonaldland warlords, and Christopher Lloyd’s gang of Foot Clan rejects!Will the library accept the last return? Or will Judge Doom himself burn the Dewey Decimal System to the ground?Then Ben takes it to space — literally! His version is an intergalactic city-station where the last contact with Earth happened a century ago, known only as “the last return!” Pirates, refugees, and descendants of every Earth nation live in a drifting New York–sized station, trying to survive without governments, supplies, or alien attacks (that never showed up in the first place)!Tom… may or may not have a pitch! But he’s got a notepad, a few sarcastic asides, and an encyclopedic knowledge of movies the other two keep accidentally plagiarizing!Along the way:Is this secretly a PageMaster sequel?Why does every apocalypse come with French fry armor?Can we cast every Christopher? (Lloyd, Walken, Pine, Evans, Pratt, Hemsworth, Columbus?)And would Wishbone still be able to read after the end of civilization?It’s the ultimate crossover of post-apocalyptic trash heaps and space-station politics! Grab your overdue fines and strap in — it’s The Last Return!

Saturday mornings were a lawless frontier! If it existed, it had a cartoon! Sneakers, cereal, California raisins — heck, even Chuck Norris had his own animated kids’ show, and the man barely needed dialogue in real life! This week, the Penny Men dig into that strange golden age and rediscover the forgotten relic known as Laser Tag Academy (1986), a series so committed to selling you a toy gun that it casually rewrote all of human history!Naturally, this leads the boys down a rabbit hole of “was that real or just a dream I had at 3 a.m. after too much chocolate milk?” Did MC Hammer really fight crime with magic shoes (Hammerman, yes)? Did Damon Wayans really make a cartoon about himself (Waynehead, yes)? Did Rubik the Amazing Cube actually exist (tragically, yes)? And why didn’t Hammer Pants get their own spin-off series where the pants themselves solved mysteries?From there, it’s only a short leap to building out a new contender in the Hookshot & Brickman universe: Laser Tag Guy!Is he:A mall cop dropout who insists the plastic blasters are “set to kill”?A time-traveling vigilante who blacks out every time the strobe lights kick in?A desperate birthday party entertainer who thinks Chuck E. Cheese is a worthy nemesis?Or all of the above, but with an expired Pizza Hut coupon as his calling card?By the end, one thing is clear: the line between real Saturday morning nostalgia and collective hallucination is extremely thin, and the Penny Men are determined to cross it, laser vests glowing in the dark!

The Penny Men take a swing at world-building with the launch of their own comic universe: Hookshot & Brickman!What starts as two goofball heroes quickly spirals into a full-blown rogues’ gallery, supporting cast, love interests, and crossover event potential! Along the way, Gregory, Ben, and Tom debate:The logistics of a grappling hook gimmickWhether a guy made of bricks is intimidating or just masonry cosplayAnd how many catchphrases one superhero is legally allowed to have!From tragic backstories to Saturday-morning-cartoon vibes, the gang designs a superhero line that would either dominate the 90s toy aisle or get cancelled after two issues!

This week on The Penny Men, we dive headfirst into the wild spectrum of superhero storytelling—starting with the corniest of corners: a Super Friends-style team-up! We’re talking:One-note heroesInternational diversity And powers that make zero sense but look great in a coloring book!Then, we slam the tone dial all the way down to gritty reboot territory, where the same characters are reimagined as brooding vigilantes with deep scars, moral compromises, and citywide conspiracy boards!It’s spandex vs. leather, catchphrases vs. trauma arcs, and the eternal question: which version do we secretly want to watch more?