Adaptation Decay

A spy thriller. For kids! Maybe best known for being sold in a double pack with The Last Starfighter.

"Jill, why don't you, the... uh... the... LINE?"

Why does this even exist? Why Castlevania: Adventure? Why?

Oh no, somebody's about to scramble that cube!

It didn't actually matter what they did in this movie, it was doomed to fail. But still.

I'm trying to figure out how to make a joke about high schoolers with zero lives.

A real tuna can.

Take a shot every time there's a dungeon or a dragon.

What if a guy, controlled another guy? That's what you're doing everyday, you gamer.

Do you ever wonder what Cuphead is like when he's not shooting things out of his fingers? What do you think the liquid in Cuphead's head cup is? Is it milk? God, I hope it's not milk.

You can say whatever you want about this show, but if you were a kid running this maze, it would be the best day of your life.

Pokemon is just a fact of life now, but there was a time when it was new and interesting and music from an anime about capturing fucked up little guys could sell millions of copies. That's what happened with 1999's "2.B.A. Master", which featured some music created for the Pokemon anime's US run, alongside some of the most dreadful and bland praise band music and Bobby Hill rap you've ever heard. But sprinkled throughout are enough boppy little jingles and hooks that make perfect sense when you realize the songs were written by jingle musicians.

Welcome to hell. This month we're talking about Elf Bowling: The Movie, sometimes subtitled "The Great North Pole Elf Strike", which is senseless because no strike actually happens. Did you know that Santa and his brother Dingle were bloodthirsty pirates before Santa became Santa? I bet you didn't, you buffoon! Luckily this movie is here to give you an education, however meandering, tasteless, and ugly it might be.

This is a strange one. We went out in search for something to goof on, and instead found a very charming amateur project that has great ideas and some flawed execution. But if you go into it in an "I'm at a film festival for horror shorts" kind of mood, you'll probably enjoy this. Scott is a moderately popular video game streamer who regularly features indie horror games. Tonight, someone suggested he play an unknown horror game called "LIVESCREAM", which apparently features some fun interactions with streaming audiences. The problem is, those interactions involve viewers dying when Scott fails at the game, and he must figure out how to emerge victorious. LIVESCREAM (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BycP4ptvlA) is a very modest indie product. If you find anything about it ridiculous or bad, please do not bother its creators. If you enjoy it, the movie's writer and director Michelle Iannantuono has a Patreon (https://www.patreon.com/octopunkmedia) you can support.

The Sims is obviously an amazing game series and we wish we could play more of it. From the outside, the Sims community seems like an inclusive and welcoming space where people can be creative and have fun. And then we have the Sims Spark'd, the product of an ill-advised partnership between EA, TBS, and Buzzfeed Multiplayer. They gather 12 Sims content creators, put them in teams of three, and subject them to baffling challenges, for which they are judged arbitrarily by some people who just happened to be around the studio. You feel for the contestants trying to meet unspoken demands under increasingly brutal time constraints. But that's what happens when you try to make an expressive game into a competition. You can watch the whole series here (https://youtu.be/-bycTwSOUX8), though we only discuss the first episode.

Take comfort. You do not know about "Game Over", and you will not have to know about "Game Over" at all after this episode is over. There is no hidden gem here. Instead, it's one of the lowest things we've covered on this show, a UPN CGI sitcom about the lives of video game characters when they're off the clock. Do not be fooled by that premise, which sounds like it has possibility. This is garbage, and we don't recommend you watch it. (https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZNEsibju69wAWkJIzKVEm6-h0mZmIBfU) The antics of the Smashenburns are of no concern to you. Not even Patrick Warburton can save this.

Sonic is back, and so is Gary's friend Will Hughes. We talk, kinda, about the expanding world of the Hedgehog Cinematic Universe, which now has two shitty friends, with the promise of many more in the future. Dr. Robotnik has returned from his exile on the Mushroom Planet, with a confused Knuckles in tow, and they're on the search for the Master Emerald... a gem that grants its holder the ability to alter reality with a thought.

Did you know that DC published a comic to promote the release of Deus Ex: Human Revolution? Of course you didn't! The six issue arc follows Adam Jensen on a little side mission that takes place in between chapters of the game. A new augmented terrorist is on the scene, and the series of attacks has something to do with his past on the Detroit SWAT team. So he enlists the help of basically Lara Croft? It's weird, kinda bad, and tonally all over the place. So, perfect for this show.

You've never heard of this game show, and because it's on Peacock you'll probably never see it. But it's worth talking about because, wow, it's a very bad idea. Imagine sacrificing your bodily integrity to suffer concussions and broken bones on a more boring version of American Ninja Warrior, where every move is "gently jump to another surface and crawl on top of it". And imagine doing so while two hosts with the worst chemistry imaginable take potshots at you. It's a wild experience.

This newest Resident Evil movie is simultaneously a better adaptation and a better movie than the Paul W.S. Anderson movies, while also not being good enough. It crams the broad story of the first two Resident Evil games into a breathless mess that's goofy and entertaining, while wasting tons of opportunities to tell the best stories from the source material. But hey, at least it adapts the games.