After the Affair

Betrayal isn’t just about broken trust, it’s about identity. For many men, their sense of self is built on strength, control, and loyalty. But when infidelity happens, it doesn’t just hurt, it threatens everything they thought they knew about themselves. In this episode, I explore the ego’s role in betrayal recovery, why the pain runs so deep, and how to shift from ego-driven reactions (anger, control, blame) to true healing. If you’ve ever felt like infidelity shattered who you are, this conversation is for you. Key Takeaways: ✔️ The male ego and how it shapes our response to betrayal. ✔️ Why infidelity often feels like an identity crisis, not just a relationship issue. ✔️ How ego-driven reactions (denial, control, revenge) keep you stuck. ✔️ Shifting from What does this say about me? to Who do I choose to be now? ✔️ Rebuilding self-trust and moving beyond external validation. 💬 Question for you: How has betrayal challenged your sense of identity? Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

After infidelity, “safety” becomes the word we chase; - Emotional safety - Relational safety - Internal safety But what does that actually mean? And how do you build it when trust has been broken? In this episode, Luke explores the delicate balance between finding safety within yourself and rebuilding safety with your partner. Because healing isn’t about becoming immune to pain or pretending you don’t need anyone, it’s about knowing how to meet yourself when the pain comes, and recognising who’s capable of meeting you there too. In this episode, we’ll explore: What “inner safety” really means (and what it doesn’t) Why self-trust and relational trust are two sides of the same bridge How to stop gaslighting yourself into accepting unsafe behaviour The difference between chaos and connection Why craving reassurance isn’t weakness, it’s wiring If you’ve ever wondered whether it’s possible to feel safe again, both within yourself and in a relationship that’s been shaken by betrayal, this episode is for you. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Fight, Apologise, Repeat: Breaking the Cycle of False Hope If you’ve ever felt stuck in the cycle of conflict and reconciliation, the fights that leave you questioning everything, followed by apologies that flood you with hope, this episode is for you. Because while those moments of reconnection can feel powerful, they don’t always mean real change is happening. Sometimes, they just keep you hooked in a painful loop of false hope. In this episode, I’ll explore: Why the fight–make up cycle feels so addictive (hint: it’s not just emotional, it’s chemical). How these constant highs and lows erode trust and clarity. The difference between hope with evidence and hope based on words alone. Practical ways to spot the cycle and start breaking free. Why compassion is essential, both for the betrayed partner and the unfaithful one. If you’re tired of riding this emotional rollercoaster, this conversation will give you the clarity to see the cycle for what it is, and the courage to choose something different. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

When betrayal strikes, many couples attempt reconciliation. But what happens when it doesn’t work out? When the marriage itself doesn’t survive, and you’re left staring at a future you never planned for? In this episode, I explore the emotional reality of life after infidelity when reconciliation comes to an end. We’ll talk about: Why survival mode is not the same as healing. The loneliness of everyday moments and how grief deepens when you lose the sense of “we.” How to balance the demands of single parenting or solo living while still making space for your emotions. Understanding the many different “parts” of you, and how to care for the wounded parts without letting them define you. Why this difficult chapter can also be the beginning of rediscovering your own strength and creating a future that’s truly yours. Whether you’re newly separated, in the middle of rebuilding, or simply fearing what the future might hold, this episode is here to remind you: you are not broken, and you are not alone. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In this reflective episode, Luke explores why some people feel easy and others feel impossible, and how much of that is shaped by our beliefs. Drawing on intuition/gut feeling, judgement, and old wounds, he unpacks how the brain filters reality, why we mistake interpretations for facts, and what changes when we separate feelings from the ego’s instant verdict. This is a practical reset: notice the story, strip back to facts, and choose the response that serves you now. Key Takeaways Beliefs = repeated thoughts. We keep thinking something until it feels “true”, then stop questioning it. We don’t feel what “they” make us feel; we feel our interpretation. Two people can meet the same person and have different reactions — that’s the lens, not the person. Feelings aren’t good or bad. They’re wanted/unwanted and context-appropriate (e.g., grief is appropriate after loss). Ego labels them and pushes us to react/avoid. Old wounds get re-triggered. The body “remembers” past pain; current reactions can be echoes, not matches, to the present moment. Progress is easy to miss. If you never look back, you’ll believe you haven’t moved. Audit your changes. Power move: return to facts, question the narrative, and choose the response that helps Future-You. Try This (micro-exercises) Catch the cue: Notice “I can’t / I don’t / that’s just who I am.” That’s a belief flag. Fact filter: Write the bare facts of a trigger (no adjectives). Then write your story. Separate them. Clean slate check: If you’d never met this person/situation before, what else could be true? Feelings audit: Name what you feel, then ask: “Is this wanted here? If not, what’s the smallest useful action?” Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Sometimes, after betrayal, the path forward feels overwhelming. There are countless emotions, opinions from friends and family, and a constant urge to predict what the future might look like. In this episode, Luke goes back to basics. He shares his own story of moving through separation and divorce, and how he began rebuilding his life by focusing on what he could control, letting go of what he couldn’t, and learning to get comfortable with discomfort. If you’re in the early days after betrayal, or even years down the line but still struggling to find stability, this episode will remind you that healing doesn’t start with having all the answers. It starts with noticing what’s true right now, and building trust in yourself one decision at a time. Key Takeaways Healing begins by getting clear on what you can control, and letting go of what you can’t. Emotions in the aftermath of betrayal swing rapidly, like a pendulum, and that’s normal. Supportive, non-judgmental friends or journaling can help ground chaotic thoughts. You don’t need to predict the future; making decisions in the present rebuilds self-trust. The goal isn’t to eliminate pain, but to get comfortable with it so it no longer controls you. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Contempt is one of the most corrosive emotions in any relationship, and after betrayal, it shows up on both sides. The betrayed partner may see the unfaithful as beneath respect. The unfaithful partner may grow contemptuous of how long healing takes. Either way, contempt is the silent killer of connection, intimacy, and empathy. In this episode, Luke explores what contempt really is, how it differs from resentment, why it so often takes root after infidelity, and why it makes reconciliation almost impossible if left unaddressed. You’ll also hear why contempt usually requires outside help to shift, and what it takes to eradicate it before it destroys the possibility of repair. Key Takeaways Resentment says “I’m hurt.” Contempt says “You’re beneath me.” The difference matters. Betrayed partners often fall into contempt when painful thoughts harden into a permanent narrative. Unfaithful partners may develop contempt out of shame and frustration when healing takes longer than they want. Contempt blinds us to itself, which is why outside support is often essential for change. Intimacy, empathy, and repair can’t survive contempt, it must be eradicated, not managed. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

In the aftermath of infidelity, accountability is often the missing piece. Too often, the betrayed partner is left carrying the heavy work of healing while the unfaithful partner minimises, avoids, or even gets a free pass from professionals who should know better. But without accountability, there can be no real repair. In this episode, Luke explores what accountability actually looks like, why it’s so often resisted, and why shame, vulnerability, and societal conditioning make it so difficult. He also unpacks how accountability links to breaking painful intergenerational cycles, and why the betrayed partner’s need for balance must be taken seriously. Key Takeaways Accountability is not endless self-punishment, it’s owning your choices, acknowledging the harm caused, and committing to change. Shame often blocks accountability; separating actions from identity can make it possible. Betrayed partners frequently do the heavy lifting, but without accountability from the unfaithful partner, the relationship rests on a tilted foundation. Counsellors and support systems sometimes mishandle accountability, either due to cultural factors, poor training, or the betrayed’s lens of pain, but validation and directness are essential. True accountability is about breaking cycles: recognising old wounds, refusing to repeat them, and creating something healthier for the future. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

When infidelity isn’t a one-off, but a repeated pattern, the pain cuts deeper. Serial cheating raises questions not just about what happened, but about who your partner really is, and whether change is even possible. In this episode, Luke explores the often misunderstood world of serial cheaters. What defines them? What signs should you look out for? How should you respond if you discover multiple betrayals? And what message is there for those who find themselves stuck in a cycle of repeated cheating? Whether you’re the betrayed partner trying to make sense of the devastation, or someone recognising these patterns in yourself, this episode brings nuance, clarity, and compassion, without the simplistic labels or societal clichés. Key Takeaways Serial cheating isn’t defined by one mistake, but by a pattern of repeated boundary-crossing and secrecy. Signs include shifting stories, defensiveness, hidden accounts, and blurred boundaries. Labels like “narcissist” are often overused. Real change comes from addressing underlying insecurities, avoidance, or addiction-like behaviours. If you discover serial cheating, focus on facts over fears, observe patterns not promises, and claim your own support and boundaries. For serial cheaters themselves: change is possible, but only with deep honesty, accountability, and willingness to break the cycle. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

What if the questions that keep looping in your mind, the ones you’re too ashamed or exhausted to voice, aren’t just valid, but shared by thousands of others going through betrayal? In this second part of our Q&A series (Listen to episode 146 for the first part), I answer the raw, unfiltered questions that most people keep buried: Why do I feel ashamed in public, even though I did nothing wrong? Why does forgiveness feel like betrayal? How do I stay emotionally present for my children when I’m falling apart? Is it normal to feel like I’m becoming someone I don’t even like? Why do I keep replaying arguments in my head? How do I let go of the life I thought I’d have? Whether you’re early in your healing or quietly carrying it years later, this episode offers grounded insight and compassionate reminders: You’re not broken. You’re not alone. And you don’t have to heal perfectly to heal powerfully. Key Takeaways: Shame after betrayal often lands on the wrong person … you. Social spaces can feel like minefields, but you are allowed to take up space, even in your pain. Forgiveness is not about erasing your experience. It’s not a betrayal of self; it’s a release of emotional tension, done on your timeline. Your children don’t need perfection; they need presence. Emotional honesty and repair do more than false composure ever could. You’re not becoming a worse version of yourself. You’re adapting. And healing means reconnecting with the person you’re becoming, not rushing to return to who you were. Unspoken arguments linger for a reason. The unsaid words still matter, even if you only say them to yourself. Letting go of the old life is not failure. It’s a sacred grief, and a quiet invitation into something new. What question have you been carrying silently through your healing journey? Come share it (or just listen in) over in the Facebook group: Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Triggers after betrayal can feel sudden, overwhelming, and impossible to control. But what if they’re not signs that you’re broken, but signals from your nervous system that you still need safety, care, and attention? In this episode, we break down what a trigger actually is (spoiler: it’s not drama), how it works, and why you don’t need to be trigger-free to be healing. Whether you're rebuilding with your partner or learning to trust yourself again, this episode offers compassion, clarity, and practical steps for staying grounded, even when your body’s screaming otherwise. Key Points / Takeaways: A trigger isn’t weakness, it’s your body remembering pain and asking: “Are we safe yet?” The spiral happens not from the trigger itself, but from the story we tell ourselves after. You can feel a trigger without obeying the fear it brings. Triggers soften when you respond with awareness, not avoidance. Practical steps: Pause. Name it. Locate it in the body. Choose a response that honours you. Healing isn’t about eliminating every trigger, it’s about learning to meet them with gentleness and self-trust. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

When a woman cheats, the cultural narrative often skips over the man left behind. The one quietly carrying the weight. The one told to “move on,” “man up,” or “take it on the chin.” This episode is for him. If you’ve been betrayed by the woman you trusted, if you’re left wrestling with confusion, anger, self-doubt, or shame, this episode gives you language, perspective, and grounding. Join me Luke Shillings, as together I'll guide you to learn: Why her betrayal says more about her pain than your worth. How to stop internalising someone else’s chaos as your reflection. The difference between being chosen… and being used. Why “being strong” isn’t the answer, and what real strength actually looks like. Let this be the reminder: You’re not weak for feeling. You’re not broken for hurting. And you’re not alone in this. 🔑 Key Takeaways Her affair is not evidence of your inadequacy; it’s a reflection of her disconnection. You are not the exception to her behaviour. You’re the next person exposed to it. If you weren’t chosen, it doesn’t mean you weren’t worthy; it means she wasn’t ready to face herself. Real healing centres your story, not just hers. Choosing to feel and process is not weakness; it’s maturity. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

When a man in a committed relationship starts giving you attention, it can feel like lightning in a bottle, powerful, validating, intoxicating. But what if that spark isn’t about love, but escape? In this episode, Luke Shillings speaks directly to the women caught in the shadow of secrecy and fantasy bonds, and to the men who pursue them. Is it real love, or emotional outsourcing? Together, we unpack the truth behind the pursuit, the pain of being the “exception,” and the cost of ignoring your gut. If you’ve ever found yourself waiting in the wings for someone who says they’ll choose you “someday,” this is your invitation to pause, reflect, and reclaim your worth. Key Takeaways Being pursued isn't the same as being chosen, and being chosen isn’t the same as being claimed. You may be fulfilling a function, not being fully embraced for who you are. If he’s still lying to someone else, he’s not choosing you, he’s choosing to avoid himself. Emotional fantasy feels like love but often conceals indecision and avoidance. Intuition is not insecurity; it’s your inner truth trying to protect you. Reflect & Share Have you ever felt emotionally consumed by someone who wasn’t fully available? What was your breaking point, or are you still holding on to hope? Come share your story or reflections with us on Instagram @mylifecoachluke or join the conversation in the After the Affair Facebook community. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

You’ve rebuilt. Or maybe you’ve started again. On the surface, things seem okay, your partner’s doing the work, or your new relationship looks healthy. And yet… something still feels off. Not wrong exactly, just off. In this episode, we explore that subtle unease that often lingers after betrayal, the one that can leave you second-guessing your instincts, your partner, and even yourself. You’ll learn why your body might be picking up on cues your brain hasn’t named yet, and how to tell the difference between fear-based reactions and genuine gut wisdom. 🔑 Key Takeaways: Feeling “off” doesn’t always mean something’s wrong, but it always deserves your attention. After betrayal, it’s normal to feel unsettled even when things look fine on the surface. You don’t need proof to honour your discomfort. Your body is valid evidence. Questions like “Am I responding to now, or to the past?” can help you untangle intuition from trauma. Sensitivity isn’t a flaw. It’s an invitation to deepen your self-trust. Have you ever felt something was off, even when everything looked okay? Tune in and learn how to explore that feeling without spiraling into fear. 🎧 Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

When you’re in the thick of healing after betrayal, it’s not just the pain that drains you. it’s the unanswered questions that loop endlessly in your mind. In this Q&A episode, I respond to four of the most emotionally exhausting questions I hear in my coaching work and online communities. These aren’t the questions people ask once, they’re the ones they ask over and over, quietly, in their own head. We’re covering: How to rebuild trust when you don’t even trust yourself anymore What to do when your partner says they’ve changed but it doesn’t feel different Why you still feel stuck in pain even after intellectually “moving on” Whether you can ever stop fearing they’ll betray you again if you don’t have the whole truth If you’ve been silently carrying these questions… this episode is for you. Key Takeaways Self-trust isn’t about always being right, it’s about how you respond to being wrong. Real change isn’t in the words your partner says; it’s in the emotional safety you feel. Healing is not an intellectual achievement, it’s a felt experience. Needing every detail for closure might offer control, but it often delays peace. What question has been looping in your mind during recovery? Send me a message or email and let me know. And if this episode resonated, share it with someone who might need to hear it too. Resources Mentioned Want deeper support in your recovery? Join the Chaos to Clarity group coaching program or reach out for 1:1 coaching - visit lifecoachluke.com for more information Email me the word “boundary144” to luke@lifecoachluke.com to receive my free Boundaries Blueprint. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

You’re texting first. Waiting for replies. Making excuses. Holding on, hoping they’ll come around. But deep down, something feels off. This isn’t just patience… it’s one-sided love. In this episode, we unpack the emotional and psychological toll of loving someone who doesn’t meet you halfway. From fantasy bonds and false hope to reclaiming your power and choosing yourself again, this is your compassionate wake-up call, and your invitation to let go with grace. Key Takeaways One-sided love often begins as hope… and ends in emotional burnout. Fantasy and denial aren’t love, they’re survival strategies. False hope disguises itself as devotion, but it drains your energy and delays your healing. Letting go doesn’t mean your love was wasted; it means it’s time to give that love somewhere it can grow. Inner stability comes when your peace no longer depends on someone else’s attention. Have you ever found yourself stuck in a one-sided love story? What helped you let go, or what’s holding you back? Come share your story with us on Instagram @mylifecoachluke or in the Facebook group. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

After betrayal, it’s easy to feel like you’re stuck reacting, trying to manage your partner’s behaviour, walking on eggshells, or questioning your own emotional limits. But here’s the truth: You don’t need their permission to protect your peace. In this episode, we unpack what real boundaries look like in the aftermath of infidelity, not as walls or punishments, but as powerful acts of self-respect. You’ll learn: Why boundaries aren’t about control, but clarity The difference between emotional avoidance and self-protection When to share a boundary out loud, and when to keep it for yourself How boundaries give you back your agency after betrayal Whether you’re in the thick of rebuilding or figuring out what you want next, this episode is your reminder that your healing is not negotiable. 🔑 Key Takeaways Boundaries are not ultimatums; they’re commitments to yourself. You don’t have to share every boundary to honour it. Clear boundaries regulate your nervous system and help you respond, not react. Saying “no” to more pain is not cold. It’s a sign of healing. Your value isn’t proven through tolerance; it’s affirmed through self-respect. 📩 Want the Boundaries Blueprint? If you’re ready to start setting boundaries but don’t know where to begin, I’ve created a free resource just for you. It’s called the Boundaries Blueprint, and it includes 30+ examples of real-life boundaries tailored for the infidelity recovery journey, plus guidance to help you craft your own. 👉 Email luke@lifecoachluke.com with the word boundary144 and I’ll send it straight to your inbox. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

After betrayal, it’s easy to believe that your best days are behind you. That the pain you’re in now will always be part of you. But what if this isn’t the end of your story? What if it’s the beginning of something deeper, truer, and more aligned with who you really are? In this uplifting episode, I share the often untold truth about healing from infidelity: that it doesn’t just break you, it can build you. From rock bottom, we talk about what it means to rise strong. You’ll hear how emotional resilience, self-trust, and clarity can grow not in spite of the betrayal, but because of how you move through it. Whether you’re still in the thick of it or slowly finding your footing, this episode is your reminder: you are not broken. You’re becoming. Key Takeaways Rock bottom is a foundation. It’s not the end of your story, but the start of intentional rebuilding. Post-traumatic growth is real. Betrayal can lead to deeper resilience, clarity, and self-trust. You don’t have to choose the betrayal to reclaim the power of choice. Your response is where your strength lives. Healing isn’t about perfection; it’s about becoming more fully you. You’re allowed to want more than survival. Joy, connection, and meaning are still available to you. Reflect on this: What’s one positive shift, however small, you’ve noticed in yourself since the betrayal? Let that be your thread of hope. I’d love to hear your story. Come share your reflections with me on Instagram or in the Facebook group. You’re not alone on this path. If this episode resonated, take a moment to rate, review, or share it with someone who might need a reminder that healing is possible. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Disgust isn’t just a passing reaction. For many betrayed partners, it’s a visceral, body-based response that no amount of logic or reassurance can dissolve. In this episode, we unpack one of the most misunderstood trauma responses after infidelity: disgust. Why it shows up. What it’s really saying. And how to respond to it without shame. This is for anyone who’s ever recoiled at the sight or touch of the person they used to love, and then judged themselves for it. 💡 Key Takeaways: Disgust is a protective trauma response, not a moral failing. It often stems from your nervous system flagging something as unsafe, not from conscious thought. Shame often follows disgust, creating an inner loop of silence, self-blame, and confusion. Healing starts by validating your body’s response, not forcing it to move faster than it’s ready. Safety, not guilt, is the antidote to disgust If this episode resonated with you, join the Chaos to Clarity group coaching program, a supportive space where your healing isn’t rushed, your voice is heard, and your nervous system is finally allowed to feel safe again. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity

Understanding why someone betrayed you can be helpful. It can explain what happened. It can offer context. It can even soften the sting, temporarily. But it doesn’t erase the pain. In this episode, we unpack the emotional tug-of-war between empathy and accountability after infidelity. We explore how understanding your partner’s internal struggles, their fears, avoidance, or disconnection doesn’t mean you're condoning their choices. It simply means you're starting to see the full picture. You’ll learn how empathy and boundaries can exist side-by-side, and why making sense of the betrayal is only one part of the healing process. Key Takeaways Empathy does not equal agreement, you can understand your partner without excusing their behaviour. Betrayal often stems from fear or disconnection, not just desire or malice. The pain doesn’t vanish just because you understand “why” it happened, and that pain still matters. You can hold compassion and boundaries at the same time. Real healing comes when you stop trying to make it all make sense, and start learning how to sit with what is Have you struggled with the tension between understanding and hurt? Leave us a review or share this episode with someone who’s trying to make sense of their own betrayal story. 🗣️ And if you want guided support navigating that emotional minefield, join the waitlist for our Chaos to Clarity group coaching program — doors are opening soon. Connect with Luke: Website: www.lifecoachluke.com Instagram: @mylifecoachluke Email: luke@lifecoachluke.com Join the After the Affair community at www.facebook.com/groups/aftertheaffaircommunity