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Asshole Animals, with Alice

Asshole Animals, with Alice
Author: Alice Vassallo
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© Alice Vassallo
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Join Alice as she dives deeper into the world of animal behaviour, answering the question on everyone's lips: "Why is this animal SUCH an asshole?". Each week, she'll be joined by a different expert in the animal industry to discuss the reasons behind this behaviour and to swap hilarious stories and crazy facts about a chosen species.
So, otter you waiting for? Tune in to this turtle-y hilarious monkey-business - you'd be a foal to miss it!
So, otter you waiting for? Tune in to this turtle-y hilarious monkey-business - you'd be a foal to miss it!
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Deep in the Eucalyptus forests of Australia, a fluffy grey creature dozes peacefully in the nook of a branch, blissfully unaware that across the world, a Zookeeper and amateur comedienne is determined to get to the bottom of whether or not Koalas are "assholes" or not. Thankfully for the small-brained Koala, they never will know. And you're not going to tell them...right? Joining Alice on her quest to find the truth is wildlife veterinarian, conservationist and Koala warzone resident - Dr Chloe Buiting. Listen as these two discuss Squirrel Monkey pickpocketing, Australian Magpie swooping, and Koala screeching. Our charity of the week this week is "Friends of the Koala" - a Koala Hospital in New South Wales putting any injured little guys back out into the bush. Check our their incredible work at: https://friendsofthekoala.org - and donate today if you love Koalas and want to save them!
What do you think you know about Iguanas? That they're big ol' Lizards that hang around Florida? That they make great emotional support pets for lonely spinsters? (Shout-out to Jub-Jub from "The Simpsons").What if we told you that Iguanas are some of the most diversely located reptiles on Earth? What if we told you that they have the quiet dignitas of an animal that's achieved spiritual enlightment but have teeth that say "yeah, fuck around and find out, pal"? What if we mentioned that one species can hold their breath for 30 minutes underwater? Well, this is all the crazy shit you'd be missing out on if you DON'T tune in to this week's episode, featuring reptile-enthusiast and Iguana-nerd, the actor, the podcaster, the "Masked Singer"s: Matthew Lawrence! So hit play and prepare to appreciate the salad-powered sass of the Iguana.Our sponsor of this episode is the incredible Bristol Fungarium - giving you a little mushroom magic to help with that pesky ADHD or Anxiety! Give their products a whirl at: www.bristolfungarium.com Our Charity of the Week is the International Iguana Foundation - who are putting in the WORK to protect our scaly friends - find them at www.iguanafoundation.org.
It's difficult not to be jealous of Eagles, isn't it? Their giant wingspan, their majesty in the air, the gasps of wonder that follow them wherever they fly. The awe they strike upon us by simply existing in our skies is something to behold. And yet here we are - talking White-Tailed Eagles today...On the show to talk about his relationship with these majestic birds and to discuss his new book, which is CHOCK-FULL of cool animal facts, is wildlife photographer and honorary eagle himself, Hamza Yassin. Listen to this episode to hear about why we need Eagles and which animal Hamza considers an absolute asshole...Our charity of the week this week is the fabulous Roy Dennis Wildlife Foundation - putting in the hard work to return White-Tailed Eagles to our skies. Find them at https://roydennis.org to hear more about their work. Our sponsors of the show today are the fabulous Bristol Fungarium, who have made mushrooms their business and are interested in helping you add some mushroom magic to your life! Check them out at www.bristolfungarium.com!
We've really shot ourselves in the foot with this one, haven't we? What possible asshole-rating could Alice give to man's closest animal companion? The Scooby to our Shaggy? The Gromit to our Wallace? The Hachiko to our...whoever Hachiko's owner was?We brought out the big guns for this one. Anthrozoologist Hal Herzog - who studies the relationship between Humans and Dogs, joins Alice this week as they've got perhaps the TOUGHEST job of all - deciding of how much of a dick Dogs can be...Care to find out what Dogs have to do with ghosts, Red Pandas and babies bottoms? Look no further. But hold your feelings tight, this may be a bumpy ride for Dog lovers everywhere!This episode is sponsored by the incredible Bristol Fungarium - who are doing their best to get you to your healthiest, with the help of mushroom tinctures! Find out more at www.bristolfungarium.com!Our charity of the week this week is the most wholesome and amazing group of folks, called Best Friends Animal Society - the troopers on the ground, helping to get the amount of pets killed in shelters down to ZERO! Check them out at: www.bestfriends.org!
If you're a Millenial, then chances are you grew up watching The Rescuers, so are somewhat traumatised by Gators, having watched young orphan Penny be tormented by Madame Medusa and her two, thicc pet alligators. But, this is reality, so we have important questions to address, the most pertinent being: "Are Gators actually assholes?", and to help Alice answer that question, we brought in native Floridian and the host of "Just the Zoo of Us" podcast: Ellen Weatherford! They’ll be diving into all the facts: their prehistoric backstory, their sneaky hunting strategies, their surprisingly tender parenting skills — and of course, their legendary ability to look completely harmless until they absolutely aren’t. So, are Gators swampy jerks that are keen to ruin your canoe trip? Or are they just misunderstood survival experts with a mouth full of teeth? Grab your floaties and maybe a helmet — let’s go wrestle with some gator facts!Our charity of the week this week is the brilliant and litigious: Centre for Biological Diversity, who are using the LAW to crack down on those destroying our planet. Find them at: https://www.biologicaldiversity.org/ and learn about the ways they're curb-stomping nature haters, in a lawful way. This episode of the podcast is sponsored by Bristol Fungarium - helping you bring a little mushroom magic into your life and your health routine, with their fabulous mushroom tinctures. Find out if mushroom tinctures are the right choice for you and your health needs at: www.bristolfungarium.com.
Quick fire: what carnivore found in both Africa AND Asia is a highly intelligent, highly successful apex predator with a complex social structure? If you said Lions, then you are DEAD wrong, idiot. Today we're talking about one of the most badass animals that you probably don't know too much about (or what you DO know is incorrect...thanks, Disney) . Standing with Alice to present the best Hyena defence for the jury is wildlife educator, author and all around hilarious human being, Mamadou Ndiaye, who is making it his personal mission to re-write what people know about this incredible and metal-as-hell animal. If you want to get to the bottom of whether Hyenas are TRULY assholes or not, give this episode a listen and we promise you'll come away with some epic Hyena facts and a greater appreciation for their kind. [no money back guarantees]. Our charity of the week this week is the Ngorongoro Hyena Project, based out in Tanzania, whose team are researching the Spotted Hyena clans in the crater there. Find out what they're upto and how you can help at: https://hyena-project.com/We also have a BRAND NEW SPONSOR to the show, the fabulous fungi gurus: the Bristol Fungarium - the produers of the UK's first organic, certified medicinal mushroom tinctures! Find out how to get a bit of mushroom magic into your life at www.bristolfungarium.com!
What do you think of when you think of an Emu? Dark, sweeping hair? Eyeliner? Lip piercings? Well, I hate to blow your minds, but you're actually thinking of Emos, you absolute spoon. Far less moody and listening to way less My Chemical Romance is the humble Emu, native to the chaotic Australia. Emus are tall, curious and make EXCELLENT Dads, so why are they on this podcast today?Joining Alice to be the justice that Emus need is the fabulous Christian Flores - Zookeeper, Paleo-educator and Emu enthusiast. Listen as they discuss Michael Jordan, Game of Thrones and a book about how to look after captive Dinosaurs!Our Charity of the week this week is the marvellous Bush Heritage Australia - who are fighting to keep Australia's unique flora and fauna alive and well. Join them in protecting many different species that call Australia home at: www.bushheritage.org.au.
Okay, okay. We know we're going to have to work overtime on this one, because this is a hard sell. Yes, Rats carry diseases, cause damage, eat food that doesn't belong to them and MAYBE most people are weirdly creeped out by their tail. But they are also smart, compassionate and determined individuals, so maybe you should shut the hell up. Here to give Rats some positive PR is the incredible Dr Evan Antin, small animals/exotic/wildlife vet, who can reassure you, from a vet side of things that they are not the evil creatures of the night that society thinks they are. Join him and Alice as they talk the Rattiest city in the world, McDonald's chocolate milkshakes and of course, one of the more famous rats: Rizzo the Rat, from the Muppets. Our charity of the week this week is the incredible Pasadena Humane - who are working around the clock to care for the animals affected by the fires in California earlier this year. To give them a hand and protect not only abandoned pets, but also wildlife, find them on https://pasadenahumane.org/. We are also excited to announce our NEW SPONSOR: the fabulous and hilarious Animals Anonymous. If you love animals, have a sense of humour and want to buy from a company that is giving back to conservation, check out their incredible range of merch made by former Zookeeper and animal lover: Alexis. To take a peek at their stickers, clothes and water bottles, head on over to www.animalsanonymousapparel.com.
Side note before we get started: does anyone else remember Cadbury's "Taz"s? The chocolate bar? The one that was kind of like a Freddo but had caramel inside? What ever HAPPENED to those?
In any case, Tasmanian Devils are definitely one of those creatures that the general public knows little about, other than through the portrayal of a beloved yet crazed cartoon lunatic. Could you even DRAW a Tasmanian Devil if I asked you to? Probably not, right?
Here to talk about these wild and wonderful beings is Brian Ahearn, nature-lover and artist, and creator of Zoo Draws, the comic strip that combines comedy and nature (sound familiar?).
Listen to Alice and Brian talk about what makes Tazzie Devils special, including their facial tumours, carnivorous babies, and how they've recently made a comeback to Australia after a whopping 3000 years!
Our charities of the week are the INCREDIBLE Aussie Ark and Re:Wild - both setting extraordinary examples of how to be excellent humans and save the planet. If you want to find out more about what they're doing to help Tazzie Devils and generally making the world a better place, check out www.aussieark.org.au and rewild.org!
Quick question: how much do you know about Slug penises? Not very much? Well, that's SUPER embarrassing for you...Thankfully, Yussef Rafik (children's TV presenter/zoologist/slug enthusiast) is here to tell you all you need to know about Slugs (genitalia and otherwise).
The human experience with Slugs can probably be best described as one of "disgust", right? No one is happy to see a Slug - not on their plants, under their shoe as they step out into the garden, and certainly not in their HOMES. But Slugs are actually incredible creatures and are super important for our survival, so tune in to hear Alice and Yussef talking about why we need them, where the word "sluggish" comes from, and also why you should NEVER EVER eat a slug, not even on a dare from your friends.
Our charity of the week this week is the incredible Bug Life - a charity Alice has actually mentioned on the show but their work is so vital, it bears repeating. Looking after the little things that run the world, go on to their website to learn more about how to help bugs and also what awesome species we have here in the UK, at www.buglife.org.uk.
This episode of Asshole Animals with Alice is sponsored by the fabulously and delightfully whimsical Button and Squirt - who are helping you and your little ones learn about the natural world in the most fun way possible! To dive in to the world of wildlife and pick up a fun present for an animal-lover you know, head over to their website, at: www.buttonandsquirt.co.uk.
You've got to hand it to Elephants - for an animal THAT large, they've managed to invoke a range of emotions in us pretty well. Whether you were moved to tears by Dumbo, terrified of the Heffalumps in Winnie the Pooh or laughing at Stampy, Bart's Elephant from the Simpsons - us humans have a special kinship with these large creatures and it's about time we explored that...
Here to determine if Elephants are assholes are not is funny man James Roday Rodriguez, who believes that Elephants may just be our spirit guides. Hear Alice and James dive into topics such as Verne Troyer, Hindu Mythology AND where the phrase "White Elephant" came from on this very special episode of Asshole Animals.
Please note: Alice DOES claim in this episode that she doesn't know of any examples of Elephants being malicious to other species on purpose - which directly contradicts her previous episode on Vultures with Tom Morath. Simple explanation: she had no idea Elephants messed with Lappet-faced Vulture nests at the time of this recording.
Our charity of the week is the fabulous Trunks Up - who are working hard to free Elephants from being put to work in Asia and to give them a peaceful existence out in large sanctuaries. Find out more about their incredible work and how you can donate to help feed these Elephants at www.trunksup.org.
We have 3 incredible sponsors this week!
1) Nature Spy - the ultimate go-to for all of your wildlife watching tech! If you're in need of a camera that lets you watch wildlife from afar, these are your guys. Use code "ANIMALS10" to get 10% off of trail cameras, in honour of their 10th anniversary. https://www.naturespy.org <---
2) Our pals at Blue Panda are sponsoring this episode of the podcast, and c'mon guys, if you haven't seen their incredibly cute range of Elephant merchandise, then what are you doing?! Check out some sustainable and chic fashion at www.bluepanda.co.uk!
3) NEW SPONSOR ALERT: We are proud to sponsored by the incredible Button and Squirt - who make animal activities and illustrations, designed to help your little ones learn about the natural world (and grown ups too!). To browse their amazing range of cards and activity books that are bright and fabulous, check out: www.buttonandsquirt.co.uk
Signs that you might be a Kookaburra:
- You love to laugh <3
- You're close with your family
- You like to keep it simple with decorating your home, instead of making your nesting complex
- You're a great partner to your significant other
- You can be a jerk at times
Kookaburras MAY just be the animal embodiment of "Live, Laugh, Love" - with close family bonds, being excellent at hunting, and also that clamorous cackle that makes them so famous. But, just like those that own a "Live, Laugh, Love" sign at home, Kookaburras have the capacity to be jerks at times. And here is where our fabulous guest, Ned Pickett, comes in.
Join Alice and Ned as they delve into what makes a Kookaburra an asshole, as well as why you should be carrying a water pistol with you if you live in Australia. Tune in if you like World of Warcraft, the Olympics OR want to know which word is older: "Kookaburra"? or "millionaire"?.
Our charity of the week won't be focusing on Kookaburras - they're doing fine right now. We don't need to worry about them. Instead, at Ned Pickett's request, the charity of the week is: Friends of California Condors, Wild and Free. A dedicated team of volunteers working as educators and guides - to tell the public about one of the most critically endangered animals on the planet! Check them out at: www.friendsofcondors.org - to see what they're upto and give them a hand!
Our sponsor of the show this week is the hilarious Effin Birds - merchandise you WON'T want to miss out on if you like birds, and swearing. A combination just as beautiful as peanut butter and jelly. For merch of birds who are over your shit, check out: www.effinbirds.com. You absolutely will not regret it, this shit is hysterical.
We, as humans, DO love to use animal names as insults, don't we? You might call your cheating ex boyfriend a "dog", you might call someone going to the police a "rat". Hell, you may even go as far as to call people who support Trump "sheep". It's called speciesism - look it up.
Among those brutish insult-names, is the humble Snake, which is what you might call someone treacherous or sneaky. Snakes have had a bad rap since...well, the Bible, I guess. Tempting Eve and all that. But elsewhere in the world, other cultures gave them more respect, and viewed them as signs of fertility, rebirth and even healing. Look at any good hospital for the rod of Asclepius (the god of healing), which is encircled by a snake. WE NEED SNAKES!
Here to defend the Snake like a knight in shining armour, is Dan Rumsey - snake expert and relocator, who has been obsessed with them his entire life. Join Alice and Dan as they discuss gliding snakes, snail-eating snakes, and being tired of these "motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane".
Our charity of the week this week is the fabulous Aussie Ark - an incredible wildlife rehabilitation and habitat restoration organisation that are championing the unique species of Australia by helping them get back on their feet (spoiler alert: the Europeans didn't help...). Find out more about their mission at: www.aussieark.org.au.
And, you guessed it, our incredible sponsor of the show is none other than Blue Panda Clothing - the stylish and sustainable option this summer for all of your animal-clothes needs. Great presents for your animal-obsessed friend or a great treat for you (you deserve it!) - shop ethically online at www.bluepanda.co.uk!
Growing up, your first experience with a Coyote quite possibly may have been watching a cartoon Coyote attempt, in vain, to catch and eat a cartoon Roadrunner. What if we told you that while you're rooting for the Roadrunner as a kid, as an adult you're probably identifying more with the Coyote?
With Alice this week is YouTuber, wildlife expert and all-around badass Coyote Peterson, to tell you how he got his nickname, why Coyotes will survive the apocalypse, AND about an incredible feature film that we need to get off of the Warner Bros shelf...
Our Charity of the Week this week is the incredible Save the Horns - an organisation championed by Coyote Peterson, saving the Black Rhino. Find out more about their mission at www.savethehorns.com.
This episode is sponsored by the FABULOUS Blue Panda Clothing - who should be your one-stop shop for a sustainable, fashionable summer! Check out their range of t-shirts and backpacks to look good and feel good on your summer adventures. Find them at www.bluepanda.co.uk.
The term "Bear" can evoke a number of feelings depending on the context. If you're an avid hiker, hearing the word "bear" may induce a sense of sheer terror. When coupled with the word "hug", the term "bear" might be a source of comfort, especially when you need an extra-strong source of affection. If you love burly, hairy men, then "bear" may elicit some arousal, who knows?
In the context of this show, "Bear" should invoke feelings of joy and wonder, as we dive into the behaviour of specifically Brown Bears - the poster child of the Ursidae family and the most adaptable and versatile member of the 8 bear species!
With Alice this week to talk Brown Bears is Bear biologist and host of the smash-hit podcast "Tooth and Claw": Wes Larson, who gives us a rundown of Bear behaviours, tells us 3 simple ways to protect yourself from a Bear attack in the woods, and also explains what a Bear Claw is.
Our Charity of the Week this week is The Grizzly Bear Foundation - who work tirelessly to keep Grizzly Bears in North American forests. Check out their incredible work at: www.grizzlybearfoundation.com
This episode is sponsored by Nature Spy - your go-to centre for wildlife-watching tech! They're offering 10% all trail cameras with a code only found in the episode! Listen in and head on over to www.naturespy.org!
This episode is also sponsored by Blue Panda Clothing - your one-stop shop for sustainable and chic clothing! Check out their GORGEOUS bear-related merchandise at
https://bluepanda.co.uk/collections/bear
It's difficult to imagine a more intense rivalry than Humans and Geese. We eat them at Christmas time, they terrorise our picnics. It's a feud as old as time, with countless tears and bloodshed, and yet we are doomed to torture each other as long as we both walk this Earth.
Championing the Goose's side of the war, while still acknowledging the living chaos that our feathered friends rain upon mankind, is Ornithologist, host of the "How Many Geese?" podcast, and first EVER returning guest: Jack Baddams, who exhibits what we like to call "BGE" or Big Goose Energy.
Jack joins Alice this week to discuss why Geese are the antithesis to the British public, the crazy story behind Barnacle Geese, AND why we should all "be more Goose" when we need a dash of brazen confidence.
Our Charity of the Week this week is the WWT - the Wildfowl and Wetlands Trust, who are not only protecting the habitat where Geese (and other birds) roam, but have been pivotal in the repopulation of the Hawaiian Goose! Visit one of their sites today and find out why Wetlands are crucial to a healthy planet at: www.wwt.org.uk.
This episode of the show is sponsored by the incredible Nature Spy - the wizards of wildlife-watching tech, who are offering a 10% discount on all trail cameras with a code you can only find in the episode! Find out more about their inspirational organisation and how they're helping conservation projects across the world at www.naturespy.org!
The episode is also sponsored by Effin Birds, who strike that perfect balance of Birds and insults. Preorder their 2025 calendar today and don't miss out on their new comics, which find creative new ways to insult people! Shop for their hilarious mugs, t-shirts and playing cards at www.effinbirds.com!
We all know there are cat people and dog people, it's a fact of life. But just for the sake of this episode, we'll be asking all the cat people out there to take off their cat hats and consider loving instead the humble African Wild Dog. The most cat-like dog species in the world, due to the fact they are obligate carnivores, are revered in Ancient Egypt and have no time for human bullshit.
Talking about our first ever canine species on the show is the mega badass Lindsay Nikole, who tells the audience how Wild Dogs are REALLY perceived in Africa. Join her and Alice to find out more about Wild Dog territory size, how many teeth they have, and about the Sicilian Mafia - obviously...
Our Charity of the Week this week is Painted Dog Conservation - Zimbabwe's answer to the Wild Dog population crisis. Check them out and lend them your support today at: www.painteddog.org.
This podcast episode is also sponsored by the fabulous Blue Panda Clothing - where you ought to be shopping for your summertime clothing! Find their ethical fashion at www.bluepanda.co.uk and feel good about splurging on some wildlife-related garments today!
In case any of you were wondering, this episode brings Alice no joy. To be forced to dunk on your favourite animal of all time for the sake of comedy is a bittersweet and hollow experience. Listen with caution, you may be able to hear Alice's tears of sorrow...amidst the laughter.
Joining Alice to talk about the bird with the highest beauty to crazy ratio is content creator and Toucan dad - Brock Afentul, who has scars both physical and emotional from his time keeping Toucans - which you can learn more about by searching for him at 2can.tv on Instagram/TikTok/Youtube!
If you want to know why Toucans are like cats, what the deal with Froot Loops' "Toucan Sam" is AND develop a new-found love and respect for an animal you'd probably never considered to capture your heart - then tune in!
Our Charity of the Week is the week is the remarkable Toucan Rescue Ranch, a rescue and rehabilitation facility based in Costa Rica. THE organisation dedicated to helping Costa Rica's wildlife recover and get back out into the wild, if you'd like to help them save some incredible species, find them at www.toucanrescueranch.org! (the Toucan Rescue Ranch is close to Alice's heart - so please help them if you can!).
This episode is sponsored by Blue Panda Clothing - the clothing brand that isn't afraid to mix style and sustainability! Shop their incredible designs for an animal loving friend or even yourself at www.bluepanda.co.uk! You won't regret it.
What do you see when you look at a Pigeon? A "dumb bird" wandering aimlessly through life? A feathered rat delving through our garbage? A government surveillance drone hell-bent on documenting your secrets?
Whether you think these things or not, Pigeons are here to stay. And they COULD just be the most stable and reliable presence in your life right now, so why not learn more about them?
Joining Alice this week is the ethereal Kendall Long - guardian of the Pigeons and true nature nerd. Together, Alice and Kendall work hard to change your mind on the humble feral Pigeon, giving an "Asshole Assessment" score that you wouldn't believe! Tune in and keep your minds open about these little urban heroes.
Our Charity of the Week this week is the Mauritian Wildlife Foundation - who are working to repopulate the critically endangered Pink Pigeon! You can find them at www.mauritian-wildlife.org.
This podcast episode is sponsored by the effin' hilarious "Effin Birds" - the merchandise for fowl-mouthed bird lovers everywhere. Have a look at their hysterical mugs, T-shirts and even playing cards at www.effinbirds.com - and grab something that shows the world that you don't give a flock!
The only 3 certainties in life are: Death, Taxes and the human desire to depict our cats in art. We've been reproducing their likenesses in multiple art forms since we domesticated them 10,000 years ago. From pottery, to hieroglyphics, to black and white photos - we are OBSESSED. In fact, does anyone even remember the Internet without cat videos?
As sure as the day is long, humans have forever been fascinated by cats and their behaviour, despite some of that behaviour being nefarious and downright rude in nature. For that reason, the task of explaining why their rascal-y antics captivates us is a mammoth one. Thankfully, Alice has some help, from kitten fosterer and self-proclaimed cat-person: Jenna Fischer.
Join Jenna and Alice this week as they dive into what makes cat jerks but also why we can't get enough of them. Hear stories of Jenna's foster journey, her cat magazine debut, and how she nearly missed the role of a lifetime to care for our feline friends.
Our "Charity of the Week" is the organisation that Jenna volunteers for: the brilliant "Kitten Rescue", based in Los Angeles - who are on a mission to find every abandoned cat a happy and healthy home. Check out their work and help their incredible cause at: www.kittenrescue.org.
Our Sponsors of the show this week are the fabulously eco-friendly Bare Kind and Blue Panda clothing - both are which are saving animals with every garment they sell. For some extra comfy Bamboo socks that will keep your feet warm and your conscious clear, check out: www.barekind.com. For stylish, sensible and chic clothing that gives back to wildlife conservation all around the world, check out Blue Panda at www.bluepanda.co.uk.
Hi, I watched this webcam about Curlews and myths. you said you like myths so many this will interest you. I'm part of a local citizen science curlew protection program. https://youtu.be/roapCFmllJA