Intomesee

Somehow between philosophy, magick and self help books I found myself in pursuit of 'The good life', balance, even some sort of enlightenment. I believed in some way or another that that was the purpose of life (or at least my life). And I could find many how-to-guides, tips and tricks and sources for instructions, but I had a hard time finding something to tell me what it feels like when you're there. Is it a misconception to assume that once you find that state of being, it's all wonderful? Life is just perfect? I'm only 27 (almost 28 if anyone's keeping track), and I'm sure there's a lot more to learn for me. But as of right now, I feel like I'm doing it, In my several attempts to gather mindsets and skills and perspective, I believe I've come to be in that place I was looking for. Living life. The Good Life. But this isn't where the journey ends, and that's the whole point. Thank you for being here. -M

As I find myself in the constant push and pull of who I am, my habits, my day to day experience and on the other side, who I want to be, the behaviours and decisions I'm making towards the life I want to live; I came across this experiment, to write my eulogy. It really made me ponder of what I would want it to be said. What exactly does the life I want look like? And why do I believe that's what I want? I wonder if these ideas life come from me at all. If I had the chance, what life would I create for me? Isn't this life the perfect chance? If you'd like to join me in my train of thought I welcome you to the ride. Maybe you're at a similar place, not sure what life is about, not sure who you want to be or why? Or if you're doing things for you at all, considering this is no one else's life but your own. Maybe it's a completely different reason that brings you here, whatever it is, thank you for being here. -M

It is one thing when a choice is out of your hands, but it is another when it is up to us to make the right call. But what makes a 'right' call? As an imminent decision making moment approached, one which I believed was out of my hands, and in ways it truly is. I still had the choice of how I would act towards it, around it, about it. Even more significant, I think, was the fact that I started pondering on the level to which I have the power to chose. Maybe I did have a choice to make in all this. Just for the sake of it, if I could, what would I choose for my life? When faced with the decision between one life or the other, if it was up to me, which would it be? As the date of the decision approached, I stumbled upon a book, coincidence? the book would say no. I went down memory lane to a time where I was also faced between the thought of fate and 'everything is as it should be', and the one where it was up to me to influence the forces of the universe and manifest what came to be. Now, many years later, in the same crossroads as to what believe and how to act, I've found my choice.

As I began to try to develop an idea to celebrate my dad, who passed away in 2019, I slowly started getting into a funk. And I guess the first reaction is to deny it, to power through and do the work. But as much as I tried, something was wrong. So I decided to listen, just like I learned when he passed away and I had to sit with my body a listen to what it was telling me throughout that first year and ever since, I needed to listen to my body. So I figured the only way out of the funk was through it. I leaned into it to see what it was, was I stuck creatively? was I missing my dad? was I feeling depressed? What had gotten me into falling down a hole of negative thoughts and anhedonia? If you'd like to accompany me in this episode of Intomesee, I'll share with you what that was like, and the process of going through and out of this funk. Thank you for being here.  -M

On part III of my processing when it comes to my situation with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, going down the rabbit hole of my thoughts and trying to make sense of the emotions, values, sensations, I found myself tangled in,  I went for a dive into my childhood memories,  I tried to piece together my need to do something, my need to fix, to control the uncontrollable. Certainly and obvious to us all by now, I couldn't let it go, but why? The two forces, the two arguments leading me in opposite directions both had value and some truth to them. To stand for family/to protect myself. In the end [is there ever an end?] the only way to find answer, at least, a temporary one, was to go through the pain, the tears, face to face with the feelings and the emotional scars and look at myself in the mirror that was all of this. 

I've been feeling trapped in a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation. And I want to be there for Dr. Jekyll, I want to help them. And maybe my idea of help is different from theirs, so there's that. There is also Mr. Hyde, and my reaction is to stay away, to not allow myself to be vulnerable because I'm afraid to be hurt.  So I'm trying to reach a middle point between a certain feeling of duty towards family and love but also asking for accountability and keeping myself safe. I've felt somewhat in control of myself during my life but when it comes to others there is way less anything to say or do to get them to say or do one thing or the other. So maybe the answer is to stay still, to not go away but to not go in. Just stay here, available, open.  

Intomesee is an exercise and an experiment. A way to look into myself and have you along for the ride, if you so wish. On this first episode, I come face to face with accepting that if we are being honest, if I'm being honest, spending the holidays by myself wasn't as ok as I thought it would. On a different time it could've been. But here and now I found myself longing for something I lost, but more than that, I face the question that's been nagging at me, how do you help Dr Jekyll when you're afraid of Mr. Hyde. Or even when the fear has been placated and time has passed, still, in matters of mental health, how to draw the line between watching out for ourselves and being there for family. What does it look like to be there for family? Is it always to be there? or can it be to let them be?