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Swordboys - Cut x Cut
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© Swordboys
Description
We're talking about your favorite sword movies from the 70s, 80s and 90s. Your childhood comes alive as we break down these movies cut by cut.
CURRENT SEASON: The Three Musketeers (1993)
CURRENT SEASON: The Three Musketeers (1993)
34 Episodes
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The Swordboys return to the tavern to hear Big Brother Athos talk of love and good-natured punches to the face. Next we take a milk bath with a gross tasseled pillow and a horny pope who just wants the Queen to bring him closer to God.
Then it’s off to avoid cannonballs and deliver maximum Star Wars quotes before we wish a hearty RSVP to Whitey Axelrod. Finally, we rate the handsomeness of King Louis’s bangs as well as the hero of this film: Angus the Boy Detective. Liz Whitaker joins us this week on her gentle stallion Sugar Muffin. All for one, and one for all!
Runtime: 00:51:45 - 01:09:15
The Swordboys travel from the depths of the horny Richelieu’s mancave to a wenching tavern on the outskirts of Paris. We explore questions like “How likable is Chris O’Donnell?”, “How many peasants did Porthos behead?”, “What’s in your sacred snack chamber?” and “Who were Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds?” We are introduced to Whitey, Bitey, Ricky, and Moe, we list our Depard-donts, and also learn about the Musketeers’ sacred rule of ABW. And we are again joined by a fourth Musketeer this week: Niall McGowan from Batminute and Miami Minute! All for one, and one for all!
Runtime - 00:34:32 - 00:51:45
The Swordboys return as young DAR'tagnan's father's son continues his quest to irritate every person he runs into with his BDE. We get into some Platt Facts before the Sheen Scene and Aramis's piety (which is great fodder for Bible Boys),as well as how cool Kiefer Sutherland is. We discuss Queen Anne's actual heritage, duel locations according to Google Maps, horse names, future cheeses, rat holes, and murder taverns. Also, we are joined by a fourth Musketeer this week: Travis Bow from Minute of Thieves and Reel Comic Heroes! All for one, and one for all!
Runtime - 00:17:24 - 00:34:32
Welcome back! The Swordboys are time-traveling from 80s Hyborian Age to 90s Pre-Revolutionary France! This is a time of feathered hats, armored cardinals and iron-masked men parts 1, 2, and 3! And duels! So many duels keep young SwordBoy D'Artagnan busy as he escapes Girard's butlers on the snooty stallion Stabby, who smells like a French horsehouse, and runs into a cavalcade of 90s actors! So much to discuss, like their age, filmography and how realistic their hair is! Join us outside the city by the ruins for another fun season of the swashbuckling Swordboys! And bring a long wooden box. All for one, and one for all!
Runtime - 00:00:00 - 00:17:24
The Swordboys return for our final cut of Red Sonja, starting with her first confrontation with Queen Gedren in her throne room. Gedren is unarmed, but thanks to a kind of magic, she finds a sword by the door! The ladies wail at each other like they are holding baseball bats and DJ Wizzo starts throwing down some sick beats. The fight moves to the candleroom where Tarn tries his best to let everyone know he is the star of this movie. But can he even lift, bro? Kalidor sure can! With the queen defeated and her kingdom collapsed, Kalidor finally gets a freeze frame kiss from our titular heroine.....until Clompy ruins it.
Runtime - 01:12:25 - 01:28:51
NEXT UP: THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1993)
The Swordboys wake up yet again, but this time to break down some unwanted sexual swordfighting between Sonja and Kalidor, with an assist from Prince Tarn. Soon enough, we are off to pull our spare bones out to infiltrate the mad Queen Gedron's butthole. The lady laughs while her most loyal spider Ikol faces his fiercest enemies: a 9-year-old and a slowly-closing door.
Runtime - 00:59:18 - 01:12:25
The Swordboys wake up in their fur coat snuggies to watch Red Sonja teach the young prince how to “hold his sword”. We discuss Falkon: Origins, and marvel at how this movie is just basically Ernie Reyes Jr and a bunch of people who can’t speak English. Next up, Tarn and Falkon consider visiting Hyborian Pawn Stars before they are attacked by a robot fish dragon with a sword tongue! What are its motivations? And is this an action scene or an amusement park ride with zero amusement? Finally, we talk about whether or not we are shipping Sonja and Kalidor. Or Arnold Schwarzenegger with basically anyone…
Runtime - 00:45:25 - 00:59:18
The Swordboys discuss the ins-and-outs of Brytag’s tolls, and discover that his amazingly-armored men just want to watch. A connection is made from the tollmaster to Charlie Sheen, and Sonja is soon impressed by Arnold’s love of a good fight. Then we head to Hawk Forest, where a familiar swordsman with a dazzling hat tortures the young prince for gold he doesn’t have. After a fight that includes swords and martial arts, we find out where the Queen is stashing her Tootsie Pop of Power, and we learn the sad fate of a krait dragon destined to be a bridge. Cling clang!
Runtime - 00:28:12 - 00:45:25
The Swordboys return to find our titular heroine training under Clan Gooch! But Sonja is not here to get hugs or make friends. After picking a sword that looks like a wheel of cheese, and jumping on a horse that matches her hair, she joins Calendar, friend to all, to hear the dying words of Varna. Then she is off to find the ruins of a city Queen Gedron would have only half-destroyed if it wasn’t for the smart mouth of a young Master of the World. And hey, Bluto is here too!
Runtime - 00:15:37 - 00:28:12
The Swordboys head to the Hyborian Age where “Dino Di Horrendous” presents a Conan sequel without Conan but also with Conan called RED SONJA! Sonja gets imbued with strength by a mystical fairy for vengeance against the evil Queen Pineapple! But first, top-billed Arnold Schwarzenegger rides our old pal Clompy to save Sonja’s sister from some very overdressed soldiers! Don’t lose your head!
Runtime - 00:00:00 - 00:15:37
The Swordboys return to the Abbey one more time (just as the Table of Five are wont to do) to take a nap on its many tables and benches! Is Hawk secretly the Zodiac Killer and how come his sword fighting is mostly slow and unimpressive? Why does Voltan carry a long receipt, what is his love language, and what exactly is his motivation? How does a blizzard, a bamboo reed full of neon green silly string and dozens of ping pong balls help our heroes? Does Amazon deliver packages way out in this boggy forest? Whose body is left in a viewing bubble and is potentially eaten? When is the sequel going to finally be made? And does this movie get our swords? These questions and more are discussed in our final cut of Hawk the Slayer! Oo-wee-oo-wee-oo!
Runtime - 01:14:45 - 01:33:27
CLOMPY WILL RETURN IN RED SONJA
Hawk and his team must fight Drogo son of Voltan! And it goes pretty well for them, not for Drogo. Our favorite horse actor is back as well.
The Swordboys have returned to the Abbey where Sister Monicaaaaaa frustrates Ranulf, Crow broods in the doorway, Tej talks Roman out of his greasy chicken (he honrgy) and Hawk reminisces on the time he was tied to a tree while Elaine dropped some sick burns on Voltan. But eventually, the Table of Five reserve a spot at Jabba’s palace, and Gort gets to play a game. Is it the hokey pokey? God’s teeth!
Oo-wee-oo-wee-oo! Runtime - 00:45:35 - 01:01:05
The Swordboys are back to join the Table with no tables. Did you know that the ride to the witch’s cave was spooky? It might also be on Krypton. But it’s time to get the party together! We get a giant played by a tall guy who’s not Shaq, an elf played by a machine covered in tomato soup, and a stinky fish-eating dwarf played by a short guy. And hey, if you’re not a giant, an elf or a dwarf - don’t worry. You are Ranulf. Oo-wee-oo-wee-oo! Runtime - 00:30:35 - 00:45:35
The Swordboys return for another slow “Casio-nic” gallop through the humid forest. What’s duller? John Terry’s acting or the Mindsword? Yes it’s true. This sword has no edge. Is there a secret Highlander in this film? Is Voltan more Darth Vader or Mr. Spock? Take care, listeners. Watch for us in the night…
Oo-wee-oo-wee-oo! Runtime - 00:14:55 - 00:30:35
The Swordboys are back with another classic 80s sword and sorcery movie: Hawk the Slayer! In our first cut, we discuss the King of Dubbers, the return of our old friend Clompy, the Mindsword, the varied acting of Christian Shephard and W. Morgan Sheppard, Dark Wizards, Skullfaces, glowing crystals, sandwich threats, amazing matte paintings and Jack Palance impressions so terrible that they may pass your understanding! Oo-wee-oo-wee-oo!
Runtime - 00:00:00 - 00:14:55
The Swordboys thought that they ended the movie last week, but what’s this? There is another ending to The Beastmaster? We discuss how well it worked, how “Beastmaster” the ending truly is, the rites of tar, the return of Clompy, sweet jumpkicks and sexy villains. And what would the podcast be without a classic swordfight breakdown between the Beastmaster and Naomi Jun? Heeeeere we Dar! Runtime - 01:41:46 - 01:58:20
Next time: Hawk the Slayer
Is this a crossover?! Hell yeah it is! We're happy to be talking about The Adventures of Robin Hood with Travis Bow from Minute of Thieves. This is PART 2 so head on over to Minute of Thieves to listen to PART 1.
Lots of swords and hams and Friars and hats!
https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/minuteofthieves
The Swordboys (including special guest Murren Kennedy from Point Break Minute and Cast and the Furious) escape from the kingdom of Aruk in Friar Suck’s cart of unlimited hay! But King Zed leads his followers (no freaks allowed) to be captured again! All hope is lost until the Beastmaster and newest beast Clompy race in to rescue, well, most of them, and defeat the evil Maax as we wrap up yet another movie…wait what? There’s more?? Runtime (01:24:19 - 01:41:46)
The Swordboys start this cut with the rescue of Kiri from some expendable red priests, but are confused about how their boat works. With some gentle persuasion, Dar agrees to hop in the hay with Kiri...and Tal and Kodo and Podo and Ruh...in the back of Sacco's wagon to infiltrate the pyramid and save King Zed. There they battle red priests, deathguards, deathwarriors and deathsoldiers to escape Maax once again. Bring out the Gimp! Runtime (01:03:36 - 01:24:19)
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