Worst Movies Ever Played

We did it, everyone. We made the most R-rated children’s movie ever.Comedian and TV writer Joan Ford joins us for A Pilgrimage of Pets! Three lovable pets are about to go on the adventure of nine lifetimes. At a music festival in Northern California, Kingy the idiot bloodhound, Mae the stuck-up kitty, and Avril the anarchist duck stay out partying, p**sing and sh**ting all night. When they wake up, their owners are gone and they have to find their way home. At the table, Patrick makes Brent roll on whether or not cats understand the concept of musicals.Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Avril: Joan FordKingy: Geoffrey GoldenMiddle-aged Ecclesiastes (Mae): Brent ButlerYour Director: Patrick BakerStory Editor: Stephen IndrisanoSound Design: Adam BakerFinancier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespodMOVIE TRIVIA: It might seem easy to get a dog and a duck to literally fill a Mercedes Benz with p**s and s**t, but it actually took animal trainers months of work to get that shot.

If you ever encounter a giant, man-eating blob, consider scatting at it to make it go away.Robin Higgins joins us for part two of The Goo! When parasitic goo monsters threatens the city, Theo, Trina, and Bland Beige do what all heroes would do: take a sexy shower together for, uh, safety reasons. Then, they fight the monster using the power of collegiate a cappella. At the table, Patrick maybe impresses New England listeners and definitely bores everyone else with his knowledge of Boston landmarks.Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Trina Tara: Robin HigginsTheo Silverplum: Geoffrey GoldenBland Beige: Brent ButlerYour Director: Patrick BakerStory Editor: Stephen IndrisanoSound Design: Adam BakerFinancier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespodMOVIE TRIVIA: The day after filming the sexy shower decontamination scene, the entire grip department called out “horny” from work.

None of this would have happened if we'd built the evil secret lab under a Shoney’s.Comedian, author, and science educator Robin Higgins tolerates our bunk science in this episode’s movie: The Goo! Ooze-nithologist Theo Silverplum and nondescript government bureaucrat Bland Beige investigate an exploded Friendly’s family restaurant. The culprit… Goo! From space? Probably? Scientist Trina Tara, as smart as she is busty, warns that dark matter is involved. At the table, everyone professes their undying love for the little wooden puzzles at family restaurants. Brent is shocked no one’s heard of the K-car. It’s the car that saved Detroit, people!Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Trina Tara: Robin HigginsTheo Silverplum: Geoffrey GoldenBland Beige: Brent ButlerYour Director: Patrick BakerStory Editor: Stephen IndrisanoSound Design: Adam BakerFinancier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespodMOVIE TRIVIA: The actor who played Bland Beige went missing three times during filming, simply because he blended into the background of the sound stage and no one could find him.

There can only be one (butt cheek sawed off).Cartoonist Lars Kenseth joins us for the thrilling conclusion to Tartans of Forever! Three immortals, Grok, Skirm, and Morcant have been ambushed in 1980s NYC. Their long-time enemy, fellow immortal Campbell Stornoway, has sent the NYC Butcher’s Guild to kill them in the only way you can kill an immortal: By sawing off a singular butt cheek. Now Grok, Skirm, and Morcant have to hold on to their butts in a very literal sense. At the table, Geoffrey is astonished to learn that some guy named David Dinkins was actually mayor of NYC once. Brent refuses to heal himself so he can instead make an elaborate rat plan.Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Skirm Isher: Lars KensethGrok Winthrop: Geoffrey GoldenMorcant: Brent ButlerYour Director: Patrick BakerStory Editor: Stephen IndrisanoSound Design: Adam BakerFinancier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespodMOVIE TRIVIA: David Dinkins in no way approves this message.

The IP lawsuits are temporary, but the laughs are immortal. So we’re ripping off Highlander.Cartoonist Lars Kenseth joins us for Tartans of Forever! In the year 1356, three immortals met during a war in Scotland. Grok, a caveman who loves business, Skirm Isher, a pikeman who is great at holding poles, and Morcant, a plague doctor/snake-oil salesman, become besties! Now they’re living it up in 1980s NYC with nothing to fear but coke residue on their business cards. Oh, and also, the immortal commander they betrayed in 1356. He’s still around too. At the table, Brent throws some of the worst rolls ever, predictably resulting in snakes everywhere.Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Skirm Isher: Lars KensethGrok Winthrop: Geoffrey GoldenMorcant: Brent ButlerYour Director: Patrick BakerStory Editor: Stephen IndrisanoSound Design: Adam BakerFinancier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespodMOVIE TRIVIA: All of the Scottish tartans in this movie are really just strategically placed flannel shirts “borrowed” from the cameramen.

If the plastic ball pit at your child’s birthday party doesn’t get melted into molten plastic by hot alien hands, is it even a real party?Ian Abramson joins us for part two of Hard E’s Big Adventure! Duncan and Maggie try to hide Hard E, an alien visiting Earth, at their local Hardee’s by covering him in fast-food takeout bags and passing him off as an attendee at Amanda Jessup’s birthday party, until the NASA Special Investigations Unit shows up with major firepower. At the table, Ian reveals that, historically, Ronald McDonald was a literal trash person.Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Hard E: Ian AbramsonDuncan Punchnugget: Geoffrey GoldenMaggie Burniston: Brent ButlerYour Director: Patrick BakerStory Editor: Stephen IndrisanoSound Design: Adam BakerFinancier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespodMOVIE TRIVIA: For tax credit reasons, all scenes set at a Hardee’s were actually shot at a Tim Horton’s in Vancouver.

It’s like if E.T. was wet, scaly, fascinated by hate, and sponsored by a fast food corporation.Comedian Ian Abramson joins us for Hard E’s Big Adventure! Aspiring bully Duncan Punchnugget and astronomy-club member Maggie Burniston witness a UFO landing. Out pops Hard E, an alien who wants to learn about humanity’s anger and sadness. But Duncan and Maggie will have to keep their new friend safe from the NASA Special Investigations Unit, mostly so Duncan can beat up Hard E himself. Also the whole thing is sponsored by Hardee’s? Not really. It’s a bit. But Hardee’s, if you’re reading this, we’ll absolutely consider a real sponsorship.Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual-play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Hard E: Ian AbramsonDuncan Punchnugget: Geoffrey GoldenMaggie Burniston: Brent ButlerYour Director: Patrick BakerStory Editor: Stephen IndrisanoSound Design: Adam BakerFinancier: Our Venmo, which is @worstmoviespodMOVIE TRIVIA: Hard E’s costume was so slimy the costumer dropped it on a dirty floor and didn’t clean it because “it gave the suit character.”

Please listen. They have my daughter. If you don't listen to the trailer for Season 3 of Worst Movies Ever Played, the comedy actual play podcast where the hosts make up bad movies on the spot, I fear what will happen to her.New episodes start today!Oh no, they're coming back!!!

While we're in "post-pro" on our third season of Worst Movies Ever Played (coming soon!), here's a bonus made-for-TV style movie called Sunset House from the mid-80s horror anthology series Stories Related to and Generally Concerning the Graveyard. Percy, an encyclopedia salesman, and Kushy, a van-loving vagabond, are amateur supernatural investigators who come upon a legendary haunted house. No one who stays the night survives until morning, and when the house traps Percy and Kushy inside, they soon learn why.This special episode is a crossover with Shelterwood, an upcoming 16 episode docu-horror audio fiction series about a missing girl, an impossible suburb, and the American dream. Shelterwood is written and produced by our story editor Stephen Indrisano. Check out Shelterwood's Indiegogo campaign and delve into the mystery.CREDITSYour Director: Stephen IndrisanoPercy Marsten: Patrick BakerKushy: Geoffrey GoldenStory Editor & Sound Design: Stephen IndrisanoFOLLOWTwitterInstagramFacebook@ItsPatrickBaker@GeoffreyGolden@BrentLButlerStraight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.Movie Trivia: The house used as the main shooting location was owned at the time by Kojak star Telly Savalas. In the background of the kitchen are a box of lollipops.

In the thrilling conclusion of A Hot Night In CyberDallas, Ronnie Fax-Machine and Paramnesia face off against Major Lazer, a Jamaican cyborg killing machine that is, strangely enough, not musical in any way. At the table, Brent adds a dimension of sexy realism to the Cyberpunk genre by pondering the electrical and plumbing layouts of an office building in 2044. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Your Director: Patrick BakerRonny Faxmachine: Geoffrey GoldenFather Paramnesia: Brent ButlerStory Editor: Julian MundySound Design: Adam BakerFOLLOW:TwitterInstagramFacebook@ItsPatrickBaker@Geoffrey Golden@BrentLButlerStraight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.MOVIE TRIVIA: In the script, the name of the company is spelled "Texus Instraments," making them invulnerable to lawsuits.

In part two of A Hot Night In CyberDallas, Ronnie Fax-Machine and Paramnesia continue to work their way up the Texas Instruments tower, fighting back against the big calculator lobby with biblical holograms and plain old violence. At the table, Geoffrey and Brent finally figure out that they can search the bodies of enemies for clues. Patrick learns that his Jamaican accent is so bad, they should hire an actor to play an NPCWorst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Your Director: Patrick BakerRonny Faxmachine: Geoffrey GoldenFather Paramnesia: Brent ButlerStory Editor: Julian MundySound Design: Adam BakerFOLLOW:TwitterInstagramFacebook@ItsPatrickBaker@Geoffrey Golden@BrentLButlerStraight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.MOVIE TRIVIA: The holographic Bible violence in the film was cited as the primary inspiration for Pureflix.

In 2044, the megacorporation of Texas Instruments and its CEO, TJ MacCune, lords over all of CyberDallas. Ronnie Fax-Machine, a veteran of Texas Instruments’ human fax program, is on a quest to make the company resume tech support for human faxes. Paramnesia, a holo-priest, believes that Texas Instruments has killed God. Together, they team up to break into the Texas Instruments tower. At the table, Patrick fights (and loses) a battle with a cardboard box flap. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Your Director: Patrick BakerRonny Faxmachine: Geoffrey GoldenParamnesia: Brent ButlerStory Editor: Julian MundySound Design: Adam BakerFOLLOW:TwitterInstagramFacebook@ItsPatrickBaker@Geoffrey Golden@BrentLButlerStraight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.MOVIE TRIVIA: The film was adapted from a newspaper article about a man who ate faxes at a local fair.

In the conclusion of Sex 84, Sam Droid has been apprehended and brought to the former lab of Tommy Funkhauser and Dr. Blazen. Tommy Funkhauser plans to use these sex robots as part of the secret government project, Readiness Exercise 1984. Dr. Blazen just wants hijinks, which totally ensue when Sam Droid escapes, giant marijuana plants attack, and other robots consider the philosophy of Objectivism. Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Your Director: Patrick BakerSam Droid: Geoffrey GoldenDr. Blazen: Brent ButlerStory Editor: Julian MundySound Design: Adam BakerFOLLOW:TwitterInstagramFacebook@ItsPatrickBaker@Geoffrey Golden@BrentLButlerStraight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.MOVIE TRIVIA: Ayn Rand is bad!

In Sex 84, Dr. Blazen, a genius scientist who loves smoking weed heads back to his former lab with his former boss, Tommy “Fun Times” Funkhauser, a man who loves wearing Hawaiian shirts. Meanwhile Sam Droid, a former sex robot, is searching for his lost sister, Anna. Did you ever wish Stephen Spielberg’s A.I. was more 420-friendly? Or that Red Shoe Diaries involved computer languages? Then you’ll love this!Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Your Director: Patrick BakerSam Droid: Geoffrey GoldenDr. Blazen: Brent ButlerStory Editor: Julian MundySound Design: Adam BakerFOLLOW:TwitterInstagramFacebook@ItsPatrickBaker@Geoffrey Golden@BrentLButlerStraight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.MOVIE TRIVIA: The film was bankrolled by Cinemax based on the title, and they were extremely disappointed with the results.

In the thrilling conclusion of Water So Blue It’s Black, Tony, Slaps, and Gilda enter the mysterious, underwater alien cathedral that was guarded by krill ghosts. The wonders and dangers inside bring new meaning to the phrase “publish or perish” for these state university employees. At the table, Brent annoys Patrick with his wish list of underwater hardware and tools. Next time, go to the Home Depot before you hit the ocean floor, Brent.Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Your Director: Patrick BakerTony Danzers: Geoffrey GoldenSlaps the Sorority Dolphin: Brent ButlerStory Editor: Julian MundySound Design: Adam BakerExecutive Producer: CarlFOLLOW:TwitterInstagramFacebook@ItsPatrickBaker@Geoffrey Golden@BrentLButlerStraight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.MOVIE TRIVIA: Almost all copies of this film were destroyed by Tony Danza's "friends" in the "sanitation business."

In part two of Water So Blue It’s Black, Tony and Slaps try to steal a submarine to go find the missing crew that’s been lost somewhere in the Bermuda Triangle. But first they have to get through FUFLBOT 9000, the robot who protects Sea Station 86. Bad news: He’s categorized them as hostile and is preparing to use “the hard stuff” on them. Good news: He’s very friendly about it! Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Your Director: Patrick BakerTony Danzers: Geoffrey GoldenSlaps the Sorority Dolphin: Brent ButlerStory Editor: Julian MundySound Design: Adam BakerExecutive Producer: CarlFOLLOW:TwitterInstagramFacebook@ItsPatrickBaker@Geoffrey Golden@BrentLButlerStraight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.MOVIE TRIVIA: The pirate ghosts were based on real ghosts who still haunt the director to this day.

In Water So Blue It’s Black, it’s 2054, and a crew of marine biologists has gone missing from Sea Station 86, which sits deep below the Bermuda Triangle. Former boxer and sea-station manager Tony Danzers must team up with his intern, a prissy, entitled talking dolphin named Slaps, to find the missing crew. At the table, Patrick explains to Geoffrey that some people won’t rewire their moral compasses just because they’ve been offered baked ziti.Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Your Director: Patrick BakerTony Danzers: Geoffrey GoldenSlaps the Sorority Dolphin: Brent ButlerStory Editor: Julian MundySound Design: Adam BakerExecutive Producer: CarlFOLLOW:TwitterInstagramFacebook@ItsPatrickBaker@Geoffrey Golden@BrentLButlerStraight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.MOVIE TRIVIA: Slaps was portrayed by puppeteer Johannes Rube, who nearly drowned to death in the leaky rubber dolphin puppet.

Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.

It's the conclusion of Space Squad, our final episode of the season. And okay, it turns out our heroes had it all wrong. Whoops. The furry monsters were the good guys, and Rex and Boba were flying around with the bad guys. Well, sh*t. At the table, Patrick leaves Brent no choice but to straight-up eat one of the main characters.Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Your Director: Patrick BakerRex Lazerbeam: Geoffrey GoldenBoba T: Brent ButlerStory Editor: Adam BakerSound Design: Adam BakerMOVIE TRIVIA: If you play them at the exact same time, Space Squad syncs perfectly with Phil Collins' third album No Jacket Required.FOLLOW:TwitterInstagramFacebook@ItsPatrickBaker@Geoffrey Golden@BrentLButlerStraight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.

In Space Squad, a ship slowly floats onscreen. Somewhere below, a planet of small, hair-covered monsters waits in ambush. Our brave, spacefaring misfits are the only thing standing between them and the much-vaunted Bridge of Understanding. In this movie, which is in no way capitalizing on the success of other space movies, battles will rage, blood will flow, and fur will fly. At the table, Brent discovers there's independent journalism in space.Worst Movies Ever Played is an actual play comedy RPG podcast where the hosts create bad VHS movies. The films are made using only the power of imagination, a few pencils and dice, and a very expensive Hollywood sound designer.CREDITS:Your Director: Patrick BakerRex Lazerbeam: Geoffrey GoldenBoba T: Brent ButlerStory Editor: Adam BakerSound Design: Adam BakerMOVIE TRIVIA: The cocaine snorted on-screen is real. In fact, the budget for Space Squad was raised by selling cocaine to Hollywood actors.FOLLOW:TwitterInstagramFacebook@ItsPatrickBaker@Geoffrey Golden@BrentLButlerStraight to VHS is a product of Lost Cat Games.