Adoption Unfiltered

What would it be like to live in a community that protects you from pain, grief, loss, and other difficult feelings? How would it be to have so much sameness among community members that envy was eradicated? What if individuals were prevented from making bad choices? What would happen in a community that completely downplays genetic connections, a community in which everyone is an adoptee? Newbery Medalist Lois Lowry envisioned such a community in her 1993 young adult novel The Giver, which is on many banned books lists, and was also adapted into a 2014 film starring Jeff Bridges and Meryl Streep. Over the years, many of us in the adoption community have read The Giver without a backdrop of adoption, but when we re-read it with adoption in mind, the story pops in a completely new way. Watch here as adoptees, birth parents, and an adoptive parent discuss a dystopia in which emotions are suppressed, Birth Mother is a job assignment, and everyone lives in the fog—except for protagonist Jonas and title character, The Giver. Special thanks to panelists Julian Washio-Collette and Muthoni Gaciku Kittredge for sharing their observations as an adoptee and birth parent, respectively. Note: If you are interested in discussing The Giver in your own book club and would like access to our free discussion guide, please write to authors@adoptionunfiltered.com with your request. The Giver book: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Giver The Giver film: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Giv...) One Child Nation film (mentioned): https://www.onechildnation.com/ Want more Sara? Visit https://saraeasterly.com/ Want more Kelsey? Visit https://www.instagram.com/fromanotham... Want more Lori? Visit https://LavenderLuz.com/ Adoption Unfiltered: https://www.adoptionunfiltered.com/

“What is the hard part about adoption? ADOPTION is the hard part of adoption.”—A guest in Episode 21 Several adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and allies gather around the table to suss out the question, “What is hard about adoption?” Is it relinquishment vs adoption? Abandonment vs assimilation? Is it severance of family and cultural ties? Is it having to forage for information? Is it ignorance coming into the adoption process for both expectant parents and adoptive parents? Is it later feelings of guilt and regret for all we did not know? Is it separation that’s felt all through the years? Is it unexpected and unacknowledged grief? Is it the gratitude that is expected? Is it the imbalance in power dynamics? Is it powerlessness over how the story is told? Is it any number of other aspects brought on by the institutionalization of adoption?   Thanks to each of our guests—each of whom we interviewed for our book, Adoption Unfiltered—for sharing their personal experience, professional insights, and hard-won wisdom about the hard parts of adoption.

Dr. Joyce Maguire Pavao has been living adoption for more than 75 years as an adoptee—and professionally connected to adoption for 55 years in various roles, including as a psychologist and lecturer in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. She is the author of The Family of Adoption, and we three authors are incredibly fortunate that Dr. Joyce has written the foreword to our book, Adoption Unfiltered. Sara Easterly (adoptee), Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard (birth parent), and Lori Holden (adoptive parent) get to talk with Dr. Joyce about the history—and future—of adoption. Sara, Kelsey, and Lori thank our lucky stars for the opportunity to talk with this national treasure in the world of adoption to glean some of her immense wisdom and perspective.

“Adoption seems simple from the outside. But when you’re in the thick of it, you see things in ways you never expected.” Author Melissa Guida-Richards (What White Parents Should Know About Transracial Adoption) joins us to talk about discovering at age 19 that she had been adopted, and that her ethnicity didn’t match her parents. What was it like to experience such a shifting in fundamental truths about herself? And how could such a breach of trust end up bringing her and her parents closer together? Melissa is currently on the cusp of meeting her birth mom in Colombia for the very first time. You can follow along that journey on social media at this handle: @adoptee_thoughts

Adoption tropes make for blockbuster films and viral news stories, but, as we do here on Adoption Unfiltered, let's dive deeper. Why do such tropes exist and perpetuate? Why do we harbor cultural biases such as: adoptive parents being unquestioningly unselfish and amazing; birth parents being undeserving of raising their kids; adoptees being ungrateful if they speak up and share a fuller story about adoption. Novelist and book reviewer Alice Stephens joins us to talk about why common adoption tropes are problematic. Alice is also an editor, writing coach, and Korean adoptee. One recent example in the news has to do with the film The Blind Side, which told the story of Michael Oher and the Tuohy family. People drink up these simplistic stories ... and then draw conclusions about all adoptions, all adoptive families, all birth parents, and all adoptees. Who owns these adoption stories? Who should own these adoption stories? What do we all need to know to be better consumers and creators of these stories? We have thoughts on all that! Adoption Unfiltered⁠ is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation. We are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: ⁠https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bVEvMpPAloE Adoption Unfiltered: ⁠https://www.adoptionunfiltered.com/⁠ Alice Stephens' book Famous Adopted People: ⁠https://www.famousadoptedpeople.com/⁠ Want more Sara? Visit ⁠https://saraeasterly.com/⁠ Want more Kelsey? Visit ⁠https://www.instagram.com/fromanotham...⁠. Want more Lori? Visit ⁠https://LavenderLuz.com⁠

There’s a difference between listening to and taking from. People enjoy being heard but not being depleted. What are the unspoken rules of engagement in adoption spaces? On the one hand, it’s great to have our safe spaces for adoptees only, birth parents only, adoptive parents only. Yet we also benefit from having cross-triad conversations, too. Sara Easterly (adoptee), Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard (birth parent), and Lori Holden (adoptive parent) talk about how and how not to approach each other about adoption issues and topics. Listen in for the rules of engagement that will help make adoption spaces feel safe and those in it feel respected. Adoption Unfiltered⁠ is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation. We are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: ⁠https://youtu.be/-3a7eEyqOpE

It’s November, which means National Adoption Awareness Month. Adoption talk, adoption talk, everywhere you go! We’ve described it as overwhelming, emotional laboring, and metamorphosing. What was the original intent of NAAM? In what ways has the original intent expanded and shifted? Who has benefitted from NAAM, and who hasn’t? Who has historically owned the narrative, and how is that shifting? Adoption Unfiltered is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: https://youtu.be/-3a7eEyqOpE

Sara Easterly (adoptee), Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard (birth mom) and Lori Holden (adoptive mom) kick of Season 2 with a special Adoption Constellation Round Table, for which we invited adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, and others who have something to say about adoption to talk together around this question: What is the biggest ah-ha you’ve had about adoption? We also make a special announcement! Our book, Adoption Unfiltered, will be published in December 2023 by Rowman & Littlefield! It will include the journeys and stories of the people in this round table, among others. You can pre-order on Amazon or Bookshop! Adoption Unfiltered is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: https://youtu.be/xn6MkQgDYpY

What will happen when the Supreme Court officially rules on Roe v Wade? Sara Easterly (adoptee), Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard (birth mom) and Lori Holden (adoptive mom) talk about the overlap between abortion and adoption. Not an easy conversation! Adoption and abortion are so often pitted against each other as opposite sides of coin when it comes to pregnancy decisions. But as Sara points out, there are similarities: Both have inherent in them aspects of classism and racism; Both tend to be shrouded in shame and secrecy; Both come with disenfranchised grief, the kind in which loss is not acknowledged by society. Other places we go: “Would you rather have been aborted?”—asked of adoptees. “It’s God’s will.” The impacts, foreseen and unforeseen, of Safe Haven boxes. How prepared are communities in which an option is taken away? What is in place to help women parent well or place their baby for adoption well? (The answers are frightening.) Adoption Unfiltered is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: https://youtu.be/g0LjNTQrqNs

Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D. joins Sara (adoptee), Kelsey(birth mom), and Lori (adoptive mom) to talk about attachment and healing that can come—or not—after trauma. He provides validation for adoptees that separation is, in fact, a wound that needs tending. He provides wisdom for birth parents on how to incorporate the melancholy thread that becomes part of a life’s tapestry once you place a child for adoption. He provides guidance for adoptive parents on how to help a child who is having big, hard emotions. In short, Dr. Neufeld advises that we “feel the shape of the hole of the loss” as a healthy way of proceeding from the brokenness that adoption arises from. Adoption Unfiltered is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: https://youtu.be/WeHLnrhPkaQ

As the companion discussion to Problematic Behaviors of Adoptive Parents, Adoptee Tony Hynes of C.A.S.E. (the Center for Adoption Support and Education) joins Adoptee Sara Easterly, Birth Mom Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and Adoptive Mom Lori Holden to cover some of the problematic behaviors of birth parents. Tony has quite a story. He is a transracial adoptee raised in an open adoption by his two adoptive moms and his birth grandmother. A rope in a tug of war? A wishbone between two sides who love him? What all this felt like to Tony, along with a conversation about the common behaviors adoptees experience from parents that cause difficulties. Adoption Unfiltered is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: https://youtu.be/ENzs7fdEClM

What happens when tragedy strikes and children need help? Where is that very fine line between helping via adoption and hurting via trafficking? How can we best avoid crossing it? Kathryn Joyce, who researched and wrote Child Catchers: Rescue, Trafficking, and the New Gospel of Adoption, joins Sara (adoptee), Kelsey (birth mom) and Lori (adoptive mom) offer their perspectives on this complex topic of crisis, orphans, and movements designed to help them. Adoption Unfiltered is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: https://youtu.be/Qqg3vZHl0zo

Sara (adoptee), Kelsey (birth mom) and Lori (adoptive mom) offer their perspectives on various words people in the triad are called, like “ungrateful adoptee,” “first mom,” and “adoptoraptor.” Plus, other phrases like “put up” vs “placed for” adoption, “Real Mom,” “Gotcha Day,” “Tummy Mummy,” “adoption triad” vs “adoption constellation,” and more. Adoption Unfiltered is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: https://youtu.be/eVLcKfH7_wA

There aren’t too many spaces in which men are marginalized, but Adoption Land is one of them. Birth Father Ridghaus joins Adoptee Sara Easterly, Birth Mom Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and Adoptive Mom Lori Holden to reveal the viewpoint of a lesser-heard voice—that of a birth father. Talk about complexity … power dynamics on steroids! ⁠Adoption Unfiltered⁠ is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: https://youtu.be/Mxq0Znkbeks

A viewer asked: how can adoptive parents and birth parents best navigate adoption relationships and center the adoptee? Great question! Sara reveals the main thing an adoptee needs from adoptive parents, no matter if in an open/closed or international/foster adoption. Kelsey shares insights about what may be behind certain birth parent behaviors—as well as inaction. And when things may be personal—or not personal. Lori brings up the Host/Guest aspect of such relationships and some guidance around the dynamics. She asks how adoptive parents can use their power for good and not for destruction. ⁠Adoption Unfiltered⁠ is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: https://youtu.be/wlVsmK1Xelw

Money in adoption affects all of us. But it affects each of us differently. Adoptee Sara Easterly, Birth Mom Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and Adoptive Mom Lori Holden talk about why domestic infant adoption is so expensive, what goes into the fees, and what happens when people in desperate situations: (A) women in unplanned pregnancies and (B) people with Baby Fever—use the Internet to search for a solution to their problems. Not to mention (C) how it feels to have a price tag attached to your existence. ⁠Adoption Unfiltered⁠ is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: https://youtu.be/uHSDpOhdtds

Adoptee Astrid Castro of Adoption Mosaic, joins Adoptee Sara Easterly, Birth Mom Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and Adoptive Mom Lori Holden to discuss some of the problematic behaviors of adoptive parents. Listen in to understand the unintended effects adoptive parents sometimes have on others in their adoption triad, perhaps without even knowing. (Don’t worry. We plan to cover other problematic behaviors in future discussions.) ⁠Adoption Unfiltered⁠ is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit https://youtu.be/ntp95vTCGgI

An adoptee (Sara Easterly) a birth mom (Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard), and an adoptive mom (Lori Holden) talk together about the important topic of adoption and mental health as it affects each side of what has traditionally been considered the “adoption triad.” They talk about the need for a deeper understanding of adoption in therapeutic settings (adoption-competent therapy), the importance of an openness to grief, the power of healing in community, how signs of trauma/loss get missed, and more. CW/TW: Mention of suicide. ⁠Adoption Unfiltered⁠ is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: https://youtu.be/xy9Sk_ohc8E

An adoptee (Sara Easterly) a birth mom (Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard), and an adoptive mom (Lori Holden) address an elephant in the room that appeared from our last talk on naming newborns: why SHOULD adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents talk and listen to each other? ⁠Adoption Unfiltered⁠ is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit: https://youtu.be/7B6tlUTkCc0

An adoptee (Sara Easterly) a birth mom (Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard), and an adoptive mom (Lori Holden) help each other better understand the issue and impact of naming a baby born into an adoption situation. Be a fly on the wall and discover something you didn’t already know. Adoption Unfiltered is presented by adoptee Sara Easterly, birth parent Kelsey Vander Vliet Ranyard, and adoptive parent Lori Holden. Collectively, we bring 75 years of lived experience relating to adoption, and we span the Baby Boomer, Gen X, and Millennial generations. We understand the history, challenges, and trends experienced by people living in adoption and the broader adoption constellation, and we are recognized throughout the adoption community as thought leaders, influencers, and bridge-builders. To watch this episode on Youtube, visit https://youtu.be/su3X-utfkyo