Kiefer? I Barely Knew Her!

Join Chris and B as we ensure our jump ropes are securely fastened while watching “The Conjuring 2.” What’s worse than being the ghost of a tired old man? Being the ghost of a tired old man who is also a sock puppet for a demon. We smoke up while the crosses turn upside down and discuss the prevalent theme of loss of innocence throughout the series, note that following sequel rules means breaking all of the rules established in the first film, and the realization that ghost hunters who aren't looking for proof of the afterlife are basically adrenaline junkies looking for their next fix.

Join Chris and B as we stare blankly at the 3 shells while watching 1993’s, “Demolition Man.” What’s worse than having a known terrorist and serial killer accuse you of wanton murder? Having such a shitty reputation they take his word over yours. We smoke up and dig under the surface to find old L.A. while discussing what it would take for a society to go from riots in the street to Cockteau’s utopia, point out how easily these sanctimonious assholes go feral, and confirm how this is an obvious prequel to Judge Dredd.

Join Chris and B as we pull the blankets closer and hope we don’t see our breath while watching 1999’s “The Sixth Sense.” What’s worse than thinking your marriage is falling apart? Realizing that you can’t tell the difference between being an absentee husband and just being absent. We smoke up and hide under a red blanket fort while discussing the Are you Afraid of the Dark episode that was likely the muse for the plot of this movie, sift through the damage the industry caused M. Night by selling him harder than the movie, and ponder the actual impact of receiving “help” from Cole.

Join Chris and B as we avoid looking out of the the kitchen window while watching 1986’s “Critters.” What’s worse than a running theme of aliens coming to our planet and eating us? The realization that we may be the 7-11 of the universe. We smoke up and sneak out our bedroom window while discussing how refreshing it is to have good child actors in a horror movie, wonder what they would have been able to achieve had they been given a “Gremlins” level budget, and ask the question: do the parents know that an adult alien gave their son a phone to call him personally?

Join Chris and B as we do our best not to look behind the TV while watching 2014’s “Annabelle.” What’s worse than having the doll you’ve been looking for your whole life used as a vessel for a demon? Finding out this isn’t her first time. We smoke up and head down to the storage cage while discussing the very real possibility that a demon's job is likely more soul crushing than yours, run through the impact of a possessed toy in the Toy Story universe, and work our way through additional ways to avoid possession yourself.

Join Chris and B as we ask, “Why us?” while watching 1981’s “Halloween II.” What’s worse than finding out you’re related to the psycho killer who murdered your friends and tried to kill you? The EMT with a crush, a lack of boundaries, no social awareness being the last thing you see as the sedatives set in. We smoke up and chomp down on some candy that hasn’t gone through the metal detector while discussing Michael’s lack of proximity limitations that are shared by fellow slasher counterparts, the real possibility that Michael was fighting the yips with his selective killing spree, and talk about who is really at fault for killing Laurie Strode’s dream prom date. Don't forget to check out the kickass merch we made, inspired by our conversation on this episode! kieferibkh.threadless.com

Join Chris and B as we reach through the veil while watching 2013’s “The Conjuring”. What’s worse than having your home haunted by a relentless demon witch? Being blamed for her farts. We smoke up and ensure our feet are securely under the covers while discussing at what point do you stop trusting your own senses, pontificate on our personal paranormal predicaments, and walk through the step by step guide on avoiding demonic possession this movie presents.

Join Chris and B as we make our own fate by watching “Terminator 2.” What’s worse than sending your “best lieutenant” back in time to bang your mom and become your dad? Also sending yourself a robo-babysitter because you really were a little scamp. We smoke up and lower ourselves into a vat of molten steel while giving a thumbs up as we highlight a few of the egregious decisions Arnold made as John’s protector, question whether or not the T1000 is a better model, and assert “This whole time travel thing is cheat codes bro”.

Join Chris and B as we fall through the drop ceiling while watching 1986’s “Aliens.” What’s worse than finding out you've been in hypersleep for 57 years? Finding out the bureaucrats are still salty about that shipment you had to blow up. We smoke up and slide down to the rust and rain room aqueducts while discussing what function Bishop was actually meant to serve outside of knife tricks, add another contender to the Monster Punching Club, and question whether we should be saying we Ripley’d it vs we John McClane’d it. Don't forget to check out the kickass merch we made, inspired by our conversation on this episode! kieferibkh.threadless.com

Join Chris and B as we crawl down the air ducts to watch 1979’s “Alien.” What’s worse than becoming a host of a parasite against your will on an unknown planet? Having it happen in a Red state. We smoke up and remind ourselves that, “This isn’t our system” while discussing the ethics of a warning beacon, ponder where the Xenomorph’s stowaway behavior started on an evolutionary level, and consider what might have happened if not for that last meal before cryosleep.

Join Chris and B as we overcome our growing fear of sequels (fuckin’ Renegade Cut…) and watch “Scream 2.” What’s worse than dating Sidney? Not much, it seems to be a death sentence. We smoke up and pour one out for Randy while discussing why the franchise had to kill off the incredibly accurate murder barker, ponder what could only be classified as immersion therapy for Sidney, and wonder if the “guidance” Mrs. Loomis gave Billy is what led to him becoming a serial killer... like mother like son?

Join Chris and B as we expel all the air from our lungs into a Tara Reid screech while watching the original 1996 “Scream.” What’s worse than losing your virginity to the killer? The post nut clarity compelling you to question his alibi immediately after having sex. We smoke up and dive into the metaverse while discussing new additions to the Mooney to Loomis scale, the patience required to wait in closets and bathroom stalls for that perfect moment, and the fact that the movie both figuratively and literally told us who the killer was repeatedly.

Join Chris and B as we continue making poor life choices and resign ourselves to watching “Highlander 2.” What’s worse than every other property in the Highlander series? This. This movie by far. We smoke up and double down on the Renegade Cut’s lore while discussing firstly WTF?!, wonder how many times “just hear me out” was uttered in character design meetings, and lament every poor financial choice that they made in lieu of paying Clancy Brown to return to the series.

Join Chris and B as we snuggle up with our Palicos and watch 2020’s “Monster Hunter.” What’s worse than getting lost in an unfamiliar desert? Trying to get directions to the nearest Skytower from a Diablos. We smoke up and dive for cover while discussing the impact on morale when the leader gets Deep Blue Sea’d during a motivational speech, appreciate the creative direction of “show don’t tell” in a movie, and how this movie delivers on its promise: hunting monsters.

Join Chris and B as we ignore the sage advice of “liberate tutemet” and instead watch “Event Horizon” while keeping all the lights on. What’s worse than an evil entity in space? Hellraiser in space. We smoke up and try to come back down to earth while discussing the refreshing lack of gaslighting, explore the similarities between Sam Neill’s character and John Hammond from “Jurassic Park,” and wonder if any of the engineers building this hell drive ever stopped to ask “are we the baddies?”

Join Chris and B as we strap on our fanny packs to watch 1984’s “The Terminator.” What’s worse than slowly being hunted into extinction by machines? Having your commanding officer choose you to be his dad. We smoke up and climb down into the bunker to ponder why Reese was sent back the same day as the terminator, discuss how not even self preservation is a match for the power of love, and dive into the consequences of not properly testing your fuses.

Join Chris and B as we crank the A/C and watch 1990’s “Predator 2.” What’s worse than living in this LA of the future? Apparently, living in LA in 1990 when this movie was filmed... We smoke up and tamp down our criticisms while we ask the question were Gary Busey’s teeth what threatened the predator, attempt to define why this predator movie doesn’t feel like a predator movie, and explore whether or not this future LA is a precursor to Demolition Man and subsequently Judge Dredd.

Join Chris and B as we cozy into some turtlenecks and watch 1985’s “Highlander.” What’s worse than being immortal until someone cuts your head off with a sword? Realizing the “prize” for winning the ‘Immortal-Off’ is worse than losing. We smoke up and lower our swords  on holy ground while discussing the problem with casting a protagonist who only speaks 10 words of English just for the broodiness of his brow, the apparent reversal of age rules for immortals, and note the bizarre similarities between MacLeod and Harry Potter.

Join Chris and B as we double down on avoiding anything water related after watching “The Meg 2.” What’s worse than “The Meg?” Certainly not “The Meg 2,” if that’s what you were expecting. We smoke up and walk the trench to discuss Jason Statham’s hella sick Jet Ski skills, appreciate DJ’s Sarah Connor-like dedication to preparing for a sequel, and wonder if the severely limited gene pool for Megalodons could create something as sinister as a 5-headed shark.

Join Chris and B as we don’t even don our wetsuits because we’ll be avoiding puddles after watching “The Meg.” What’s worse than a mega shark movie with no actual blood and gore? A mega shark movie with no actual blood and gore starring Jason Statham who can’t even use the “F” word. We smoke up and dive down deep to discuss the impacts of a story where the antagonist has no motivation, try to count which other Statham movies can be found within this one, and lament the “bible study” level of sexual tension.