The Unlock Lab

Something shifted for Kathleen between her third and fourth coaching sessions. This is such a powerful example of how the sessions are a container for what needs to come to the surface. AND the real transformation takes place in the integration and digestion of the conversation, and even more so in the choices my clients make when I’m not standing by their side.Kathleen came to the session with momentum and the decision to commit to what she really wants, instead of worrying about what is or is not possible. It was a huge power move and I asked her to reflect on what actually got her unstuck. Because when you understand how you got out of the funk, you can reach for those same tools next time. Kathleen reflected on the actions she took in the previous week and we celebrated all the wins. One of these wins involved a cold call that will inspire you to pick of the phone in the pursuit of your passions! I hope this reminds you to look at all of your wins this past week, month or even year! When you tune in, you will hear that Kathleen recognized that the new news was not in the actions she took, but rather in the realization that she stopped doubting herself. She had more faith and self confidence, which allowed her to access the knowledge she had in her conversations and collaborations. The conversation then shifted into different territory because she was looking for support in articulating what she actually does. She admits the block isn't just language, it's the fear of owning it and her worry about her new line of work feeling fraudulent. In the course of this conversation I put on a different hat to better understand her skills and do that personal brand excavation. Part of this was about delineating the difference between building what you want to build, instead of the thing you think you should build. Episode Highlights:Reviewing Kathleen’s breakthrough and identifying the contributing factors.Why the real work so often happens between sessions.The fraudulent feeling that comes with claiming an ability to help people.Brand and story excavation that doesn’t use industry jargon.Building what you want versus building what you think you should.Quotables:"There's something about that that feels like I can't claim it, like it feels fraudulent. And maybe that's the real thing that needs to be sorted out." — Kathleen"It takes people years to recognize ‘I built what I thought I should build versus I built what I want to build’." — Tosca DiMatteo"So much of what happens actually isn't in these sessions. It's in the work my clients do in between." — Tosca DiMatteoTosca's Links and Resources:Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compassSign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/Production:Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

This is the third session (out of six) with my client Kathleen, and we explored options for the focus of our conversation as she didn’t have something in mind at the start—which is common with lots of clients.There was palpable resistance for a good portion of the session, but then you’ll feel how the energy started to shift as Kathleen bravely stayed in the process.Pay attention to the 9-box exercise that you can use in your own life around your mindset towards job applications—or anything else that you completely loathe. The insight that came after I walked Kathleen through it might surprise you. It wasn’t about finding a new mindset that brought more levity to a task she despised, but rather about recognizing there was a different option that felt less heavy altogether.Toward the end, we land somewhere you may not expect: celebration. Kathleen shared an incredible breakthrough that she had in the week between sessions. This led us to talk about how much easier it is to celebrate everyone else except ourselves.We also talked about the relief and liberation in unhiding, and the difference between enthusiasm and optimism.Tune in to hear what resistance looks and sounds like as an observer, and discover how you might be diminishing your own wins.Episode Highlights What resistance sounds like in a session, and why it isn't failure. Holding many truths at once, and what that looks like. Assessing the job before the application, and the implications. The nine-box exercise, and what it revealed about her job search. Commitment celebration and small daily wins. Enthusiasm versus optimism, and why optimism for yourself is the harder one. The tectonic plates effect: internal shifts that show up externally later.Quotables “I can press on the gas all I want, but if the tree is blocking the car, the car is not going anywhere.” — Kathleen “It's so much easier for us to celebrate others than it is for us to celebrate ourselves.” — Tosca DiMatteo “For a long time I had a hard time believing that things were possible for me, but I could believe it to the moon and back for everybody else.” — Tosca DiMatteoTosca's Links and Resources Take the Inner Critic Compass Quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compass Sign Up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletter Tosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.com Get in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contact LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/ Production Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo: https://adriandimatteo.com Editing by Starlin Media

This is the second session for my client Kathleen, and we start with what she noticed after our first conversation. We talked about how she felt completely drained afterward, like someone had drugged her. I shared how that’s not a bad sign, and that it’s a sign that the work is happening in her body and not just in her head.Next we explore what she'd been sitting with between sessions, and something surfaces that neither of us went looking for. The conversation started with the fear of disappointment, and she finds the layer underneath it, which is unworthiness. She goes between thinking ‘if it doesn't happen, it's because I'm not good enough. And if it does happen, I'll feel a different version of not good enough, like I don't belong here.’We also talk about what lights her up, and I point out something I want you to catch: what she describes is context agnostic. While she did talk about it in context with the business she’s launching, it could apply to any job, situation or career path. This is helpful because once you know the dynamics that energize you, you can place that anywhere.You'll discover that this session doesn't land on a tidy conclusion, which is often how it goes. The hope is that we bring what needs to come to the surface in the conversation and we don’t always get to “what now”, in the session itself. Tune in to hear what happens when you go one layer deeper than the first insight that comes to the surface.Episode Highlights:Why she felt physically depleted after session one, and what that indicates.The layer underneath the fear of disappointment.Why knowing what excites you can be an insight for any context.The zero to ten worthiness scale, and what would move her one tenth of a point.The desire to address the tree in the way, while dreading it at the same time.Quotables:"There's another layer underneath the fear of disappointment, which is the fear of unworthiness." — Kathleen"The fact that you have a physical manifestation is an indication that the work is happening in your body, and not just in your head." — Tosca DiMatteo"Knowing what the dynamics are can be super helpful, because you can place that anywhere." — Tosca DiMatteoTosca's Links and Resources:Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compassSign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/Production:Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

Welcome to this special series where you get to bear witness and experience live coaching with a real client. Through the generosity of my client, who we're calling Kathleen to protect her privacy, you get to sit in on six full coaching sessions, recorded live. It’s the first time I’ve ever done this, and I’m thrilled for you to discover your own unlock in the process.In this first session, I skip most of the usual relationship building, because Kathleen comes in ripe with what's happening in her life and I like to honor whatever is needed in the moment. You will soon discover that she was recently laid off, building a business she never planned to build, and feeling in her words ‘jumbled’. Her words for it: ‘it's a fork in the road, but the fork has a thousand tiny forks in between’. She's applying for jobs while quietly hoping none of them work out. She describes the choice as suffocation on one side, with failure and poverty on the other. Her life is on hold, her things are in storage, and decisions as big as having children are waiting on this to resolve.We work through the emotions; the pull between should and want, and I offer her an experiment to find the truth of what she wants. The exercise is to notice, without judgment, whether each thing you do today is something you want to do or something you think you should do. The goal is not to change the decision, just to see what’s driving it.I also offer her a reframe (and metaphor) about her jumbled life. Her puzzle got shaken up, and all the pieces are still in the air. She's trying to force them back into the old picture. But putting together a picture that already exists can be harder than letting the pieces land somewhere new. Tune in to hear what happens when you stop trying to figure out the whole picture, and start to trust the truth of your micro decisions.Episode Highlights:Why we skipped the standard first session structure and went straight into what was present.The jumbledness: applying for jobs while energetically blocking them.Should versus want, and the awareness exercise offered.Why the forcing is the overwhelm.The exhaustion that shows up after deep work.Quotables:"It feels like to try to picture squeezing myself back through a keyhole into something I don't really want to do, versus just take all the wheels off of the bus and try to drive it anyway." — Kathleen"You're exactly where you're meant to be right now, in that confusion, in the fog, in the overwhelm." — Tosca DiMatteo"When we're in overwhelm and we're in a state of feeling all over the place, anchoring in what we want can be very helpful as a starting point." — Tosca DiMatteoTosca's Links and Resources:Take the Inner Critic Compass quiz: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compassSign up for Tosca's Newsletter: http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca's Website: https://www.toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca: https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/Production:Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo https://adriandimatteo.comEditing by: Starlin Media

Today I talk about the difference between asking the top-layer question about getting unstuck and going to the deeper question underneath it.Getting unstuck requires asking yourself different questions. The reason it's so hard to do on your own is that you’re used to asking yourself the same questions over and over—and giving yourself the same answers over and over.For the past eight years, folks have come to me to help them get unstuck, whether it's in their personal, professional, or business life. And when they do, rarely do I answer their first questions because I know there's a more important one underneath it.In this episode, I walk you through five real scenarios so you can see yourself in one of them. Whether you’re frustrated in your job or want to show up more confidently with your boss, underneath the stuckness is often an unmet need. That need is usually one you're not conscious of—or one you don't want to admit you have.Episode Highlights: Why we can't get unstuck alone: same questions, same answers, on repeat. Scenario 1: Should I stay or go, and the deeper question about what you actually need. Scenario 2: Why confidence work is really inner critic work. Scenario 3: “Is this all there is?” and the permission slip you’re looking for. Scenario 4: Needing to leave without knowing what's next, and why there are more pathways than the two you see. Scenario 5: Growing a business when the real block is worthiness, not strategy. Exposure to a list of unacknowledged needs, from being witnessed in your pain to learning to trust yourself again.Quotables:“Getting unstuck requires asking yourself different questions.”“Your inner critic voice is not telling you the truth.”“Maybe what you need to know is that your only job is to not abandon yourself or your big dreams.”“When you are stuck, it's often because you can only see one or two pathways forward. Actually, the universe wants you to think more expansively.”“Slowing down isn't blasphemy and it's not laziness. It's actually the medicine that you need.”Tosca's Links and Resources:Take the Inner Critic Compass Quiz:https://www.toscadimatteo.com/innercritic-compassSign up for Tosca's Newsletter:http://toscadimatteo.com/newsletterTosca's Website:https://www.toscadimatteo.comGet in Touch with Tosca:https://www.toscadimatteo.com/contactLinkedIn:https://www.linkedin.com/in/toscadimatteo/Instagram:https://www.instagram.com/toscadimatteo/Production:Audio theme music by Adrian DiMatteo:https://adriandimatteo.comEditing by Starlin Media