The Double Shift

A few months ago, a reader wrote into the Neighbor Hotline advice column with a question about why people don’t RSVP and how to deal with her hurt feelings about it.That reader was Mara Gordon, MD , and on our Substack Live this week she outed herself, with more detail of her disappointment when she sent out a heartfelt invite to neighbors for a Hanukkah Party and only got heart emojis back, no firm yeses or nos. Mara is interested in social connection professionally as a primary care doctor in Camden, New Jersey. But she also cares a lot about it as a mom with a demanding job and a desire for real community in her life. She writes Your Doctor Friend by Mara Gordon NPR’s Real Talk with a Doc column, and it turns out our first books come out on the exact same day, April 6, 2027! Hers is How to Take Up Space, about diet culture in medicine. (Smash that pre-order button, y’all!)We started with RSVPs. The short version: the silence usually isn’t about you, and a one-on-one text (”it would be so great to catch up about your sister”) beats a group blast almost every time. Then we got to the bigger stuff. Mara sees loneliness in her exam room every day. Patients with nobody to drive them home from a colonoscopy. Parents who can’t get to the gym because there’s no one to watch the kids.We talked about why I don’t tell people to go make new friends (a close friend takes about 200 hours), whether a 20-minute doctor’s appointment is the right place to prescribe connection, and why so often it’s the women doing the organizing. We also talked about choosing between the problems of isolation and the problems of being connected to other people, which in my house looks like a neighbor kid who some weeks eats dinner with us four nights out of seven.And we ended on the real question: what do you feed a bunch of five-year-olds at a playground when you can’t look at another pizza? My answer: pesto pasta and a Costco rotisserie chicken, room temperature. Deep Casual forever!!! Connection is more important than perfection.Watch the whole conversation, and I’d love to know in the comments, what are your thoughts on the impact of social connection on your health and wellbeing in your own life? ….AND… what Deep Casual dinner to you take the playground that’s not pizza?!PS: Happy Pub Week to Gemma Hartley for her new book, No One Loves An Angry Woman: A Exvangelical Coming-of-Rage Story. This is a fierce, powerful book, part memoir part cultural examination of how christian patriarchy as shaped us all. If you’ve ever found yourself burning with anger or doing everything you can not to, this book is for you! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thedoubleshift.substack.com/subscribe

I have a great time talking with Kathleen Donahoe about the health realities that led her to be an expert don’t list creator, how she’s using her budget to drive her holiday Don’t List this year, and why letting go of traditions to make space for others is especially meaningful for her this year.ALSO: If you are looking for a great gift (what is better than the gift of community and connection!?) for a loved one or yourself, you can support this small business by getting 20% a yearly membership! Come on and join the fun! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thedoubleshift.substack.com/subscribe

I had a blast talking to Virginia Sole-Smith about her “Friend Friday” tradition, and the insights she’s gathered from the Burnt Toast by Virginia Sole-Smith Community about making Deep Casual Hosting work!I also snuck in a question about Virginia’s move to Patreon!Feel free to check out Virginia’s work on deep casual hosting here.Here’s my landing page of all Deep Casual Hosting content! Also, only 2 more days to get a DEEP discount on a year long Double Shift Membership. $42 instead of $80. Get it quick! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thedoubleshift.substack.com/subscribe

I had a blast talking about Amanda Litman’s weekly experiment of hosting friends at her Brooklyn apartment every Saturday night. My favorite parts of this conversation were discussing how NOT having a perfectly clean house can actually make guests feel more welcome, how to handle entertainment for kids, and how much this regular connection has bolstered Amanda’s mental health in these trying times. I hope you enjoy my “deep casual” beach hair look live from Central America! 😂 ICYMI, here are some of our writings on the topic. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thedoubleshift.substack.com/subscribe

I felt an absolute zing of electricity when I opened a message a few weeks ago asking if Shannon Watts could interview ME for her Substack Live series. Along with being a longtime fan of the incredible national movement Shannon has built for common sense gun laws with Moms Demand Action, I love her Substack Playing with Fire. It’s all about prioritizing desires (especially around activism and social change) over social expectations. Her newest book, Fired Up: How to Turn Your Spark Into a Flame and Come Alive at Any Age is now available for preorder, out in June 2025, and I can’t wait to read it.This was the first extended interview I’ve given about what I’m learning about for my forthcoming book, HOW TO FIND YOUR PEOPLE. Give it listen and let me know how I did! (I thought of several additional things I could say after the interview was over.)Be sure you are subscribed to The Double Shift on Substack and you want in on the How to Find Your People Club, come join us! This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit thedoubleshift.substack.com/subscribe