Wait, What?

Last week I found myself doing what I do when in “mom-mode”: Worrying. It brought two things back to mind:* My dad telling me Ash, 90% of what you fear will never happen. The other 10% will mostly be shit you get through. Haven’t we all been through some?? * An episode I recorded a few years ago about dating for partnership called, Plan Be. That’s right… like the verb. RELATED ARTICLE: MOM, I FEEL LIKE I’M LOSING MY MARBLESWhat a waste of our minds and time if we arrived to the future only to find that none of which we worried about ever happened. I know I would regret that… Tune in today and find out why worrying about your relationships, dating, and future is distracting you from your life and how to intentionally focus on all you have right here and now. If it’s meant to be for your greater good, it will be, so I’m showing you how to trust in this and learn to be present with your life exactly as it is.This works on ANY worry or problem you are mulling over today, my friend. Enjoy!xo, ashWait, What? is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Interested in Working Together?If you are a middle aged woman or single mom who is emotionally overwhelmed trying to navigate dating, sex and relationships after years of committed partnership and feel you keeps ending up with the wrong ones, keep reading.Introducing Begin Again, a personalized coaching experience tailored specifically for women who rush in blindly, feel like they lose themselves and are left questioning ‘what’s wrong with me?’Imagine feeling secure in your decisions, trusting your intuition, and communicating your needs effectively. That's the promise of Begin Again.In six weeks, we'll unravel the patterns that have held you back, delve deep into your desires, fears, and boundaries, and emerge with a newfound sense of self-worth and confidence.It's time to break free from the cycle of heartache and disappointment. You deserve relationships that lift you up, and I'm here to help you attract them.Let's begin again—together.For More Information Click Here This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe

During the month of December I was laying in bed late night, scrolling my New Yorker magazine, when I came across an op-ed piece about the trending conversations around open marriage and polyamory. How Did Polyamory Become So Popular? Once the province of utopian free-love communities, consensual non-monogamy is now the stuff of Park Slope marriages and prestige television.I, too, have noticed over the course of the last five years, that more people are open about being open. As opposed to before when people quietly shared with those they felt would keep their privacy or be interested in participating.I’ve also noticed a series of personal paradigm shifts I’ve experienced over time in regards to the idea and practices.There was a time that I would have said, that will never work.Then there was a time when, as I witnessed more people telling me they were going to open up their relationship, I would wonder;Is opening up a relationship the modern day ‘let’s have a baby’ attempt to save something that’s on its way out?A band-aid for a bigger problem.An opportunity to just fuck around.Then there was a time - like a decades worth- at Teddies for Bettys where I heard about first hand encounters and experiences, (was asked for a lot of advice and had none to give) that I listened to, quite salaciously and couldn’t waiting for their next visit to find out what happened next. I. Was. Intrigued. and it wasn’t by the sex they were having.It was more about the logistics, time and management. The mental and emotional bandwidth. All the people. I was tired for them.Then there was the time I proposed to my partner the idea of us opening up our relationship. It was a naive request and I was ill prepared not only for what I was asking, but for the result of my asking.I can see now how I offered it as a ‘solution’ to our already fragile relationship. please refer to the questions above in italics.Then there was the time when I finally started to understand that life partnership and commitment is built on more than good sex.THEN there was the time I realized, after being mostly single for a decade and dating, that I could identify with connecting emotionally with more than one person at a time; in being physical with more than one person; in sharing intimacy and parts of myself differently with one person vs another that I started asking the question:Am I practicing polyamory, but as a single person? Is that a thing? Am I monogamish? An Ethical Slut?I started to educate and inform myself on the practices and began applying them to my dating life. But through all of my brains evolution and opening to the practice, there was one question that kept me a little curious, maybe even skeptical that I was unable to resolve within myself that I wanted answered;What keeps two people together if they are not only seeing and sleeping with others, but in love with them as well? I remained a little skeptical.Which brings us to the New Yorker piece…Would the journalist behind this essay have the answers to my semi-closed-minded, inexperienced entry-level question? The short answer?No.But it did make mention of a new book called More; A Memoir of Open Marriage. A New York Times bestseller about a married mother of two children who, with her husband's encouragement, decides to embark on a journey of opening their marriage.It’s funny now to write this, but after reading the review I briefly wondered if I should give it the book a read. There was this feeling of get it and at the same time, something pushed back against the idea.I watched the two opposing thoughts arise:maybe this is a practice I should work on opening my mind towards if I want to ‘spend my life’ with someone.andI’m personally not interested in being with or having more than one partner.It was decided. I would not read it.Less than a week later, a post came through from fellow Substack writer, Tolly Mosely of Submit Here She was introducing a series on non monogamous moms and was asking her readers for their experience -or opinion on- being non monogamous.Without thinking I replied:I never label(ed) myself and am not entirely sure if non monogamous = polyamorous, but as a single mom/woman dating I started to draw parallels and began applying the philosophy/practices that are commonly used; autonomy, open communication, boundaries, etc when dating and in a relationship. All of which should be used regardless but people (subconsciously) resist or lack the skill set due to being conditioned in monogamous mindsets.What I have found most interesting is that when I was dating to find partnership/a partner to fill the role of a father in my family unit, I was seen as selfless, encouraged and congratulated (literally) in my pursuit.When I decided to focus on raising my kids and not date to find a serious commitment until they were out of the home, I was seen as selfish.The input and projection from the outside world about me not wanting a serious relationship brought a tangible sense of judgment. And envy from a lot of women.I was personally able to overcome this, but still, it was not lost on me.I see it with my female clients that I coach when they are getting divorced or dating. The shame and guilt, the desire to experience and explore their sexuality, fear and so much more -it starts to take them down and they can’t understand why they don’t feel more excited, free and liberated to enjoy pleasure or date multiple persons. Thousands of years of messaging is why. They find themselves having affairs and lying instead.Lastly, there is a selective outrage and bar set for mothers specifically in our culture on what is acceptable vs not. One that I hope through my writing, work and example will get knocked down.Not long after another post was published by Tolly. It was the start of her series and included my quote - along with the mention of her friend, Molly R Winter, the author of More.Wait, What? Isn’t that the name of the woman from the New Yorker post? Who wrote the book… I quickly looked her up. It was.I couldn’t help but lean into the nudge I was feeling from the universe. I went out and purchased the book.A book I couldn’t put down; her dating life as a mother in her thirties was all too relatable.TBH, I love reading educational content that provides data, history, maybe even some science, to inform me on how things work. BUT WHAT I REALLY LOVE ARE MEMOIRS. I want to know the empirical data; I want to learn from someone else’s experience; how they survived the thing; an in depth look from top to bottom, back up and some added sideways perspective.I had to talk to Molly.I wanted to tell her how much I loved that she didn’t hold back talking about the sex she had. And OMG! I felt all that anxiety and shame dating as a mother and a woman too!But what I really wanted to know was…What kept you and your husband together?And from what I read, with her experience, she would know.Molly’s answer to that question is absolute GOLD. Much of what she said is and can be applied to nearly any life or relational experience.It’s exceptionally useful to apply to your dating and love life regardless of your current status; it’s low-key a self help book as Molly openly shares the inquiry and discovery process she went through with her therapist, mother, husband and others.It’s a book about womanhood.I high-key recommend you read it. And of course, I insist you listen to our conversation. Molly delivers wisdom left and right. I’m still not interested in opening up my relationship ( most of you know how long it took me to be interested in the idea of partnership! 😂)BUT I am no longer skeptical about why others do and what keeps them together.Wait, What? is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe

Today I’m joined by Molly Roden Winter, author of the NYTimes bestseller, More; A Memoir of Open Marriage, for an enlightening conversation about yes- her open marriage but mostly her  personal awakening and self discovery process she experienced through her 30’s - I don’t think it matters if you are single, divorced, married, poly, considering non monogamy, or monogamish to appreciate her journey to Self. A Self that understands she is responsible for her own happiness regardless of her relationships. Something far too many of us outsource from others.RELATED 🎧: Ep 2 UNCOVERING & OVERCOMING SHAMEAbout: Molly Roden Winter is the author of the New York Times bestseller, MORE: A Memoir of Open Marriage. Her essays have appeared in Time, The Cut, Romper, and elsewhere. She lives in Park Slope, Brooklyn, with her husband and two part-time roommates also known as her sons.Molly’s WebsiteFollow Molly’s InstagramSubscribe to Molly’s NewsletterRESOURCES MENTIONED:Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to be GoodWait, What? is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe

The reason we aren’t taking advice from anyone outside of us is because we have thoughts and beliefs that are in contradiction to what we are saying we desire and believe. Yes, we are back here again. Those pesky sneaky thoughts that are running the show that we have very little awareness about. Did you know that 95% of your thinking is comprised of default thoughts- unconscious-programmed, inherited, thoughts absorbed without much your awareness. Today I want to talk about the dominant sentences you hold about yourself, your life and the experience you are creating for yourself from them and a valuable hack that will help you CHANGE YOUR MIND. This is the advice you want to take! Receive!! AND GIVE!!Wait, What? is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe

Today I am talking about the thoughts and your belief you hold and store. But first, do you know the difference between a thought and a belief? Thoughts are tiny sentences that are just running through your brain. They are not optional in the way that you chose them, but they are optional in the sense that if you decide you don’t want to believe in them, you can actively work on removing them.Meaning they are optional. Beliefs are thoughts that you have chosen to think on repeat. Beliefs require zero introspection -meaning you have beliefs that you’ve adopted or chosen to believe without ever taking into consideration anything about what it means.Many of those thoughts and beliefs were downloaded into your brain during the first 4-7 years of your life. Our brains are absorbing all the lessons and messages around us - and modeling the lessons and the behaviors of the people around us. Without question. Sometimes, if we are lucky, we start to question those things and then decide for ourselves what we want to believe.I want to talk to today about the negative messages and beliefs we form about ourselves based on and interpreted from the outside world. Based on what the outside world has told us about ourselves. Thoughts and beliefs about ourselves we’ve never questioned that aren’t serving us.The unconscious beliefs that are stored in your primitive brain and your limbic brain that are buried below the surface are the ones that are running the show. There is a way to feel into the unfelt. A way to discover and uncover these buried messages and either integrate them or remove them altogether.Tune in today and discover why Feeling the Unfelt is your way to wholeness and reclaiming your power. Next time we will discuss how to interrogate those beliefs and turn them into ones that serve you. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe

Hi friend,Welcome to this weeks episode of Wait, What? Uncovering and Overcoming ShameThis week I’m talking about why it’s imperative to feel through your shame, the benefits of perseverance, Monica Lewinsky and how to manage your nervous system and mind so you can move on.Let me know your thoughts and comments below!Have a lovely weekend,❤️ ash Wait, What? is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe

If you read my most recent column, An Audit of My Heart, you know that I had this realization or epiphany that I have been blocked falling and being in love. After hurting someone ten plus years ago I stopped trusting it and myself.Last year I made an ask to the Universe/God/Source/Creator (my H.P) I proudly stated that I was finished with the casual encounters and ready to pursue a committed relationship- if it was in the plan for me- I would be willing to do the required work on myself to meet someone who was spiritually fit and emotionally mature.Prior to that request I had this belief that I didn’t want to be in a relationship because I “didn’t want to deal with someone else’s b.s”. The first thing my H.P. revealed to me was it wasn’t anyone else’s b.s I had been dealing with. It was all mine…I guess that’s what you get when you say you’re willing to do the work: Work. It’s not uncommon for anyone who decides they want to pursue a goal, or attain a desired outcome they’ve never had before to face some major obstacles. A majority of them from within. This week I’m sharing with you how, in my experience of making any commitment, I have found myself contending with my own residual inner turmoil. Unconscious patters and behaviors that, in an effort to keep me safe, have held me back. Or have simply just been hiding out, waiting for me to uncover and be reminded of my worth. And how to love myself unconditionally.By listening you will learn a few tips on how you can overcome that brain of yours. This is a public episode. If you’d like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashleykelsch.substack.com/subscribe