Claim OwnershipESSAY Magazine (An International Journal of Sexaholics Anonymous)
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Dear ESSAY,
It wasn't until I first entered recovery that I heard of rigorous honesty. No one knew the real me. None of my closest friends, none of the women that I had dated, not even my wife, knew about my addiction.
An unexpected moment of love helped his wife move from despair due to disclosure to hope for recovery.
On the advice of our marriage counselor—before I ever entered SA—I told my wife the truth about my sexual acting-out. He encouraged honesty, though he didn’t know the full extent of my behavior. We arranged for the kids to be out, and I intended to reveal only a little. But once I began, everything poured out at once, like a dam breaking. Wave after wave of deceit and infidelity spilled into the open. As destructive as it was, I felt an immense relief finally releasing the secret I’d carried for years. I had no idea how good it would feel to get it all out into the open. What I didn’t consider was the impact on my wife.
The power of God sustained her during the nightmare of hearing a disclosure.
I first came to SA in January 2022. I knew immediately that I found people who could help me find true sobriety.
I was in a relationship with someone, though we weren't married. We tried to be respectful of the need to wait for sex until marriage, but we struggled.
This member reflects on all the different aspects of the Program that helped him to never fully disclose to his loved one.
After 41 years of sobriety in recovery, I have still never fully disclosed my SA story to my wife. Even now, I ask myself how that could be.
I am not entirely sure of the reason. Perhaps I was too frightened. Perhaps I was following the guidance in the AA and SA literature. Perhaps my wife did not want details. Perhaps her Al-Anon sponsor advised her not to revisit the past. Whatever the reason, the simple truth is that I have never spoken to my wife in detail about my acting-out behavior.
She realized that, following the guidance of our literature and of her sponsor, she adoivded experiencing the tragedy of a premature disclosure.
I consider myself very fortunate in the course of my disease and recovery. I was not discovered by my husband in an affair. I was never publicly exposed or humiliated. I was not arrested for anything related to my sex addiction. I was never confronted by the wife of a man I was inappropriately involved with. And yet, as I crossed one personal boundary after another, I knew I was not being the person my Creator wanted me to be.
Instead of sharing everything to get it off his chest, he learned that if he hasn’t worked the Steps on something, then he doesn’t share it.
When I first came into SA, I just wanted to share everything, to get it off my chest and take away the guilt of what I had done and where I’d been. I am really grateful that I read the caution in the White Book because I was going to destroy the people that were around me and set myself up for failure.
Her experience has taught her that gossip in the Fellowship can be a harmful form of disclosure.
Sexual intimacy is a way to communicate my commitment to my spouse. That is why it hurt deeply when my husband, while we were married, told me that he was having an affair. His affair communicated that I didn’t matter to him. I became physically sick and didn’t want to live anymore. I wish he had never told me because that information is permanently seared into my brain. I can’t unremember it.
The wives of these sex addicts spoke up to voice the damage that was done to them, but the complaints were not directed to the sexaholics.
I started recovery by going to a famous treatment center for sex addiction. The program included “Family Day”. The “highlight” of Family Day was a process called disclosure, where I describe the wrongs I had done to my family, and the family gets to describe how my actions impacted them.
A Journal of 90 Meetings in 90 Days.
Luc D. traveled to Nashville in 2009 to attend 90 in-person meetings in 90 days in a desperate attempt to save his life after a relapse binge. He kept a journal during this time and shared it with other members. Below and in the following editions, ESSAY will be sharing parts of his journal.
Wisdom has taught her that enthusiasm in early recovery did not always translate into appropriate sharing.
After being sober for a few months, I decided to join a faith community. They held a community day every month, which I decided to participate in.
During my first community day, I got into a conversation with a couple, and we hit it off right away. They invited me over for dinner, and during that dinner, we got to know each other better.
Enthusiasm for recovery and a newfound willingness to be honest without careful consideration before sharing can lead to an awkward situation.
In early recovery, I was so thrilled about having found a solution for my problem that I wanted to share it with everyone. My wife already knew about my addiction because she caught me many times. I told a friend who is a coach and a psychologist. It was in addition to things we had already spoken about. A couple of weeks later, my wife and I met at her place, and she had a visitor who was also a coach and psychologist.
While caution is suggested to the newcomer in the beginning of the White Book, similar caution can be found in abundance on Step Nine throughout our literature.
The caution in the White Book is often directed to new members in our Program. However, several SA-approved readings refer to cautions applicable to the amends process in Step Nine.
She remembers a historical event by reflecting on where she has been and where she is today as a result of this Program.
On September 11, 2021, many commercials commemorated a famous attack. One commercial’s words impacted me deeply: “Where were you on 09/11/2001 when the world changed?”
He realized that by only praying for God’s will, God revealed his will and answered his past prayers for sobriety.
All my life, I thought prayer meant asking God for something I wanted—peace, healing, sobriety. If I said the right words, in the right way, at the right time, maybe God would say yes. Looking back, I see how my prayers were self-centered—about me trying to manage God.
He discovered that continuing to take Steps Six and Seven, he became more willing to have God remove his defects.
My first time working through the 12 Steps of SA, my thinking was all sequential. When I came to Steps Six and Seven, I thought, “I will knock these Steps out with the help of my sponsor and get on with Eight and Nine!” Years later, I’m still working Steps Six and Seven. Hello? In the ensuing years in Program, I’ve gained some wisdom and patience. Imagine trying to solve all my issues in weeks!
Exercising the principles of the program daily produces a wisdom that knowledge alone can never provide.
Some members and I were discussing recovery, psychology, neurology, and technology. One fellow mentioned that he wished he knew as much as I did. That comment put things into perspective.
He learned to recognize true success by not focusing on the work needed to complete everything, but by appreciating the amount of work completed today.
“I’m a success today if I don’t drink today” (AA 415).
He realized that as long as he focuses on his program today, and not his program yesterday, Higher Power’s promises are both in the present and in the future.
October 8’s reading from The Real Connection brings to mind a member of my home group who was in a meeting many years ago, listening to another's share about acting-out behaviors. A member leaned over to the person sitting to his left and said, "At least I haven't done that." He immediately heard the one-word admonition: "Yet."
Help us update the new Meeting Finder, which contains inaccurate information regarding registered meetings in SA.
https://www.sa.org/meetings/
At the July 2025 meeting of the General Delegate Assembly (GDA), a map-based presentation of the Fellowship’s meetings was unanimously approved for rollout on September 1, 2025. This is the first in a two-part Meeting Finder system. The second part will display virtual meetings in a schedule-based format.
From Prison to Freedom
For most of his life, he lived in a prison built with shame, secrets, and addiction. Working the Steps with an accountability partner in prison and with the help of his sponsor by phone, he connected with God.
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