The Release Podcast

Does the hobbling of every marriage follow a similar path? Can one spouse themselves manage to change the tide? Is every marriage actually worth saving? After three decades in marriage therapy and coaching, Dr. Lee Baucom has seen firsthand how shifting mindset and personal responsibility not only helps repair struggling marriages, but can also protect children from ongoing pain, whether or not a couple stays married. And even if only one partner is willing to lead the way. His works centers on empowering folks to see themselves and their patterns clearly, and address them hopefully before the worst cycles take hold. The creator of the Save The Marriage system, author of seven books, and founder of the Un-Pause app, Lee has dedicated his life to helping people help themselves, inside of marriage and beyond. And no, he does not think every single marriage is worth saving. But if you’re willing to reflect…he certainly thinks that you are.

Neeki Motabar is an influencer known as "the baddest b in the building," a powerlifter, A recovering shy girl, and the author of "How To Hack The Patriarchy." A modern take on some of the 48 laws of power through a feminine lens, her book describes 20 ways to find what Neeki calls the blindspots in the patriarchy…and then exploit them in your favor. She wants women and girls to learn for example how to spot manipulation early, how to handle interruptions and credit-stealing, and how to set boundaries without guilt. She says it's time to stop performing free emotional labor, beginning perhaps, with our deeply socialized need to make everyone around us feel comfortable...by filling the silence. For more on Neeki Motabar and her book: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0G2P2F53S?tag=bk00010a-20&th=1&psc=1&geniuslink=true

Where does your confidence really come from?   Have you ever taken the time to consider the small parts of you that are not so confident and what you could do to make yourself feel better in those dark corners? Simone Knego has. She's a keynote speaker, an author, and a podcast host who tries to encourage people to lead with purpose and live without limits. Her focus is on building what she calls unshakable confidence from the inside out. Simone helps high achieving women build as she says, real confidence, from the kitchen table to the boardroom, by allowing them the space to really query what it is that's happened to them, who it is they become as a result, how they got where they are now, and what it is they're still afraid to look back over their shoulder and make peace with.   Because until you look back at the past, can you really make peace with who you are to be able to move freely, totally confidently forward? I think not.

What would possess a person to choose to put themselves in the middle of the maelstrom of stress that is modern divorce negotiation, on a daily basis? For Joe Dillon, the founder of Equitable Divorce Mediation, it was personal. A child of divorce at a time when it was far less common than it is today, Joe can recall sitting in the courtroom as a teen, witnessing his parent’s strife at close range, and then withstanding the near total loss of any relationship with one parent after the fact. Years later, amidst a successful business career as a negotiator, it was in fact his mother-in-law who suggested he consider a new path. And it stuck. The firm which he founded and runs to this day with his wife 17 years later, far outperforms the industry standards metrics on settling via mediation before costly litigation. The impact of prolonged litigation is deeply clear to Joe, which is why his goal is always to get it done as soon as possible, and in the best interests of the kids. The problem, unfortunately, is usually just teaching the soon-to-be-ex-spouses how to get out of their own way….   Joe is a former board member of the Chicago chapter of the Association for Conflict Resolution (ACR), the Pennsylvania Council of Mediators, the Southern California Mediation Association (SCMA), the Academy of Professional Family Mediators, the NY State Council on Divorce Mediation, and the Washington Mediation Association. And he’s got some hard won advice that anybody even contemplating divorce should consider.

They say that divorce is an earthquake for the people leaving a marriage, but a chronic condition for the children who have to survive it…but in truth that’s only if at least one parent refuses to fix their mindset and prioritize the children. Sadly, for many healthy folks, their coparents can’t keep their side of the street clean. From mockery to outright mental and physical abuse, what they inflicted on you while married will likely be visited upon the children during their time with that parent as well, and that’s a painful surprise for many.   So what can a protective parent do? 

Well, for one, listen to this week’s podccast with Dr. Christine Cocchiola, whose specialty is Coercive Control (also the topic of her viral TED talk) in relationships, post-separation abuse, the weaponization of the family court system by abusive parents, and most importantly…the best strategies for protecting our kids. More people than ever are opting out now of abusive marriages, and awakening to the tactics being used to punish them and their children, often for years after the leave. Dr. Cocchiola knows all too well after 3 decades as a domestic violence counselor and a survivor of a 27 year toxic relationship & marriage as well, that there is hope. If you can get into the right mindset, and get clear on the coercive control as a consistent pattern in the abuser’s playbook…there is always always hope.

Divorce may be an earthquake….but high-conflict coparenting can feel like a marathon (without water through a jungle that is sometimes on fire), not a sprint. And few people are working as hard to refocus coparenting on the children, than Michelle Dempsey. Michelle Dempsey is a trauma-informed co-parenting expert helping to protect our kids in divorce, by centering their experience. She's also the founder of the Moving On Method and the author of Moving On. After a childhood where she experienced a very high conflict and drawn out divorce between her own parents, she grew up, got married, and realized she needed a divorce herself. Now happily remarried and co-parenting her own daughter while step-parenting her bonus daughter, Michelle has lots of hard-earned wisdom to share. On this week's podcast, we are talking about what it takes to set the right tone, how you can message positively about hard things without gaslighting your own children, why labels like narcissist don't often serve us, and how hard it is to get it right. Michelle has some ideas. And from where I sit, she's definitely one of those who is in fact getting it right.

Have you ever considered how satisfying it would be to climb one, two, or even seven of the tallest peaks on Earth? Sam Sidiqi has, and he has the distinction of being the very first Afghan in the world to summit both Mount Everest and Mount Denali. On today's podcast, we're talking about what it is that drives somebody to put themselves through pre-acclimatization, oxygen deprivation, months of training and up to two months away from their family to cross that item off their bucket list. Sam was born in Afghanistan, raised in Pennsylvania, went to MIT and Wharton and ran companies around the world before coming back to settle in Pennsylvania where he has spent the last couple of years, summitting very high peaks, launching his nonprofit called Afghan Peaks and helping his daughter Jasmine to understand why daddy feels this deep need for adventure. This week we're talking about how you translate that need to yourself, to your family, and to your daughter.  For more on Sam & Afghan Peaks: https://afghanpeaks.org/BASC/index.html @afghanpeaks

What is at the root of the shift in giving? Beyond Melinda Gates and Mackenzie Scott, the numbers of women in philanthropy are soaring. And it might not be for the reasons you think.   Nancy Griffin has learned a few things about the ways of women's minds...when they set their minds to giving. Her company, Women Worth & Wellness (and the related seminar series) grew out of a career as a wealth advisor where she was led after a successful early stint at Proctor & Gamble, when women weren't exactly commonplace in the boardroom. She's developed an eye for how women navigate the connection between net worth and self worth, and the line between giving and impacting. 

Why does it take most of us most of our lives to figure out that the hiding and shrinking was the opposite of the point? That we are here to love whomever we were created to be, guts and insecurities and all?    Alexandria Ott is swimming through that realization, and is very ready to share her journey, almost in real time. Alexandria cofounded The Blank Table underground dinner series, speaks widely about the power of authenticity both during keynotes and on her podcast, and was also founder of Chrome City Creative Studio, a trailblazing, all-women team specializing in unforgettable experiences for brands in hospitality, design, and the arts. Today we’re deep-diving into what she learned about truth, healing, the importance of tenderness…when life forced her to crack her own world wide open. And she’s so much better off for it. From where I’m sitting...all I can say is SAME.

Neeki Motabar is an outspoken feminist influencer and the host of The Baddest B--- in the building, who in her own words is teaching women how to hack the patriarchy.   Whether she's deconstructing double standards, sharing a feminine twist on The 48 Laws Of Power, or setting records as a weightlifter...we love that message for her. And we love that she does it all in pink. Because she’s the kind of girl she wants to be, and she just wants every other girlie in the world to also make the space to define that for herself, and then go do it. She is misunderstood, she knows who she is and who she does not want to be, she pisses a lot of people off, and she’s really overall quite unbothered by it all.   What a wonderful way to walk through life.   For more on Neeki Motabar, and her upcoming book: https://www.instagram.com/baddestbinthebldg/

What kind of personality type is most susceptible to being lured into the darkest parts of the Manosphere? Why is it that some young men can browse the same content without choosing to dive ever deeper? Do the men who follow influencers spouts seriously misogynistic ideas…even understand that somewhere deep inside, they sort of hate women? James Bloodworth has thoughts on all of this and more. Having gone undercover inside the manosphere as research for his book, Lost Boys, Bloodworth took a journey not of lot of others who are willing to talk about it, have. Bloodworth’s skepticism gave him a different take on how we got here, how bad it has gotten, and where it is we are all going.

Ever wondered what became of your high school drug dealer? Nick Marshall has the answer at least in his own story, which begins in small town New Jersey, lands him in prison, and has led him to his latest book, TRY AGAIN.   It all began with a bullied kid, doing a simple favor for a coworker at a gas station. Then it evolved into selling weed and graduating into club drugs like Special K while living the high life in NYC’s clubbing heyday. And then it crashed hard with an armed robbery of a fellow drug dealer that earned Nick three years in prison, all before the age of 25. And that was just the beginning of his wake-up call. In some ways his story of finding maturity is universal, and in other ways nothing like what you’ve heard before. Nowadays Nick is an author and director with his latest book TRY AGAIN out wherever you get yours.   This week on the podcast we are talking about redemption, the dumb choices we make when we’re young, the stubbornness that keeps us on a path we know even then is not the right one….and how sweet it feels to one day be able to say that you’ve clawed your way back up into a life you can actually be proud of.   For Nick's Book Visit: https://www.simonandschuster.com/books/Try-Again/Nick-Marshall/9781632280985

What is the purpose, in the modern world, of the idea of God? And would we better off without religion?   My guest today is Phil Zuckerman, a sociologist, professor, and lifelong student of the nature and purpose or Religion. Currently a professor of sociology and secular studies at Pitzer College he is the founder of the first Secular Studies department in the nation; this entails the study of non-religious people, groups, thought, and cultural expressions. He has written several books, including What It Means to be Moral, Living the Secular Life, and Society Without God. You can find his work regularly in both Huffington Post and Psychology Today, where he blogs regularly under the title “The Secular Life.”  

Diane Gilman was born with a mission, and she has followed it for the past 80 years. And despite becoming best known as the “Jean Queen” of HSN and QVC for 30 years, and selling over $100 million dollars worth of her designs despite nobody believing it was possible to fit the middle-aged market back in the day, the fashion was as it turns out just the expression that fit in that particular season of her life.   And she has never been afraid to keep reinventing because in her own words, she’s never let herself down. From a diffIcult and abusive childhood where designing was her escape, through UCLA and her 20s tumultuous (where she found herself designing for Cher, Jimmy Hendrix and eventually every single department store window in Manhattan) she just kept moving. After nursing the love of her life through cancer and then in her 70s, battling and overcoming it HERSELF…Diane decided she needed a change. And that came in the form of a whole new chapter as the wildly popular social media pro-aging advocate and podcast host we know today @TheDianeGilman.   It’s been a bumpy ride, and at times very lonely, but Diane has left it all out on the field after every single chapter, and has lived more lifetimes than most. Perhaps that’s why she is the pro aging advocate we didn’t know we needed. She’s not sugarcoating anything, because she doesn’t need to. She deeply understands that life is an exquisite miracle, and she just wishes everyone, regardless of their age…saw it that way.

Jackie Pflug was a 30 year old newlywed American citizen traveling on Egyptair flight 648 on Thanksgiving of 1985 when the plane was hijacked. Subsequently shot in the head by hijackers who landed the plane in Malta and threw her body out onto the tarmac, Jackie was denied medical help for 5 hours, but somehow, miraculously survived. Sadly, she was one of very few who did survive that hijacking, but after a harrowing recovery and even more hurdles, she went on to a global keynote speaking career that gave her purpose after years of struggle through epilepsy, seizures, and having to learn to walk and speak again. Not many people have survived what she has. On today’s podcast, Jackie is opening up about her return to the site of the attack 20 years later, the toll it took on her first marriage, and the weirdness of the fact that life just goes on, (both in the mundane ways and in the subsequent life challenges that we all have to endure) even after you think you’ve survived the worst. Because the good news and the bad news about surviving the unsurvivable…. is that until it is the end, it is simply not the end.   And luckily for us, Jackie Pflug not only survived but she is still willing and able…to tell the tale.

Is revenge a dish best served cold…or just with a side of probable cause to avoid legal action? Have you ever considered all of the legal ways that you can obtain justice without having to get your hands too messy? So has Ishpal Sidhu, the brilliant legal mind and comedian behind the hit social media series entitled "What The Ish."   After a relationship so toxic it sent her into a tailspin, this bright attorney felt so helpless that she took to social media to share brilliant and hilarious ways in which she imagined exacting legal revenge, for example on a cheater…without getting yourself arrested. On today’s podcast, we’re talking about her innate sense of justice, how unsatisfying the practice of the law has been, and the ways in which the little internet series she started to help others who were feeling as powerless as she was, woke her up to the mission she was probably made for.   From her Sikh heritage to comedy as medicine to what’s next for her…Ishpal has a lot more insight into the power of the urge for revenge than her hilarious reels reveal. And while she is here for the fight, and the healing and the search for justice, after all that she has learned she’s not so sure, that revenge is in fact ever the actual answer.   For more about Ishpal Sidhu: https://www.instagram.com/whattheish/

This week I’m thrilled to sit down again with Esther Goldstein, a New York based LCSW and trauma therapist (also known as the trauma therapist’s therapist), to talk about why it seems like we as a society are so uncomfortable when folks speak up about personal injustice…and why we are so quick to villify the victim.    On today’s podcast, we are diving in to how the word "victim" became an insult, how victim-blaming protects the witness's sense of stability, and how the perpetrator and their enablers use Projective Identification, The Bystander Effect, and The Just World Bias as part of their tool kit to keep painting the victim as a villain…simply for voicing the harm they have endured. Above all else, we are digging in to what you can do, when people refuse to help or even to hear you, in order to make peace with those who would stand by, watch, and deny to your face…the ways in which you were and perhaps still are in fact, being victimized.

Have you ever seriously considered ending your relationship with a parent? If you think that sounds inconceivable, you wouldn’t be alone...but you would be wrong. In the U.S., there's a growing trend of adult children choosing to go "no contact" with their parents, meaning they sever all communication and interaction, often permanently. The exact stats on permanent no-contact are difficult to find and can overlap with temporary estrangement (estimated as high as 25% of US adults), but we do know both of those figures are growing.   So why would someone, in the absence of physical violence, choose to go no-contact with their mom or dad? Jinjara Mitchell is beginning to shed light on that with her recent film, The Ornament. A filmmaker, actress and media personality, she has been no contact with her mother for almost 10 years now. The Ornament is based on her experience at age 10 of completing a homework assignment describing what her mom did with her and her siblings at Christmas. A well-known author and motivational speaker at the time, Jinjara says her mom was a totally different person when nobody was watching.   The Ornament  is an honest window in to how far a child will go to protect the image & ego of an abusive parent, how much she would endure for a glimmer of maternal love….and what it takes to give yourself permission to walk away from a parent-child relationship that despite the white picket fence, turned your first 18 years into a fight for survival.  After you hear her story, if you didn’t before, you will see very clearly why a child might one day grow up to justifiably cut their parent entirely out of their own life.

What kind of a learner is your child? What kind of a learner were you? How much does it matter?   There is a theory that teens these days are increasingly disengaged in school, and that it matters far more than we think. My guest this week is Jenny Anderson, coauthor of THE DISENGAGED TEEN, a toolkit for the parents of checked out and stressed out teens, to get them engaged in their own learning. And in their own futures. Anderson is an award winning journalist for The NY Times, Institutional Investor and The Atlantic to name a few...and a mother of teens herself.   On this week's episode we are looking at whether things are any different now than they were say 25 years ago…and why Jenny and her coauthor Rebecca Winthrop say phones are NOT the only thing to blame.    Whether your kid is a resister, a passenger, an achiever or an explorer in school…there’s a lot more going on than they may show us…and we have a lot more influence than many of us seem to think.

Have you ever considered the science of luck?   What if we are all super lucky, and just fail to notice the opportunities around us every single day? What if luck is really just opportunity, and it's your own mindset that’s blinding you to how lucky you were meant to be? What if it doesn’t have to be so hard?
   My guest this week is Nicole Perrone, a renowned mortgage banker better known as the Billion Dollar Banker, whose keynote "The Science of Luck" is just the new take on life that many of you need to hear today. I know I did. And despite any evidence to the contrary….I’ve always considered myself to be the luckiest girl in the world.