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© Rick Miller, LICSW & Lilian Borges, LPC
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Modern Couples: What Your Therapist Never Told You
Have you ever had questions about relationships? Do you wonder what therapists might know—that you don’t? Then join us! Whether you’re in the car, at the gym, or on a break at work, this is an opportunity to have all your couples’ questions answered by therapists who bring decades of experience to the podcast.
Couples therapists Rick Miller, LICSW, and Lilian Borges, LPC, take on relationships’ trickier moments with experience and humor, in a mere 20 minutes presenting a case study and the theory behind it, then sharing their personal takes on the issue and providing some ideas for dealing with it.
Richard C. Miller, LICSW, is a psychotherapist, public speaker, and author who has taught at The Harvard Couples Conference, the Milton Erickson Foundation Couples Conference, and on the faculty of well-known couples experts Esther Perel, Terry Real, and Stan Takin. He has been interviewed by the NY Times and writes for the Psychotherapy Networker and Psychology Today. He is a TEDx speaker, and founder and executive director of a nonprofit agency, Gay Sons And Mothers.
Lilian Borges, LPC, is an experienced therapist, teacher, presenter, and podcaster who has been treating individuals and couples for more than thirty years. One of very few certified PACT (psychobiological approach to couples’ therapy) therapists in the US, she is additionally an expert in Ericksonian hypnosis. She currently has a private practice in Arizona where her own multinational background facilitates her work with a diverse clientèle.
From whether or not it’s okay to share your bed with pets, how to deal with money, keeping secrets from your partner, or deciding where to live, Rick and Lilian have suggestions for making your life richer and bringing your relationships closer. It all starts here!
Have you ever had questions about relationships? Do you wonder what therapists might know—that you don’t? Then join us! Whether you’re in the car, at the gym, or on a break at work, this is an opportunity to have all your couples’ questions answered by therapists who bring decades of experience to the podcast.
Couples therapists Rick Miller, LICSW, and Lilian Borges, LPC, take on relationships’ trickier moments with experience and humor, in a mere 20 minutes presenting a case study and the theory behind it, then sharing their personal takes on the issue and providing some ideas for dealing with it.
Richard C. Miller, LICSW, is a psychotherapist, public speaker, and author who has taught at The Harvard Couples Conference, the Milton Erickson Foundation Couples Conference, and on the faculty of well-known couples experts Esther Perel, Terry Real, and Stan Takin. He has been interviewed by the NY Times and writes for the Psychotherapy Networker and Psychology Today. He is a TEDx speaker, and founder and executive director of a nonprofit agency, Gay Sons And Mothers.
Lilian Borges, LPC, is an experienced therapist, teacher, presenter, and podcaster who has been treating individuals and couples for more than thirty years. One of very few certified PACT (psychobiological approach to couples’ therapy) therapists in the US, she is additionally an expert in Ericksonian hypnosis. She currently has a private practice in Arizona where her own multinational background facilitates her work with a diverse clientèle.
From whether or not it’s okay to share your bed with pets, how to deal with money, keeping secrets from your partner, or deciding where to live, Rick and Lilian have suggestions for making your life richer and bringing your relationships closer. It all starts here!
23 Episodes
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Jealousy can show up in the smallest moments and suddenly take over your nervous system, your thoughts, and the way you relate to your partner.In this episode, Rick and Lilian help you get clear on what your jealousy is actually trying to tell you and how to respond without turning it into a fight, a spiral, or a “prove it” dynamic. You’ll leave with practical ways to calm yourself in the moment, start the conversation in a way your partner can actually hear, and make requests that build safety instead of control.If you’ve ever wondered whether you’re overreacting, whether your partner is dismissing your feelings, or why certain situations hit you so hard, this episode gives you a grounded framework to understand what’s happening and what to do next.
Open relationships can work, and they can also create problems fast when couples rush in without clarity. In this episode of Modern Couples: What Your Therapist Never Told You, Rick and Lilian talk through what it really means to “open up” and the questions that matter before anything changes.They cover common motivations, what tends to go wrong when couples use non-monogamy as a fix for conflict, and how to set boundaries that protect the partnership. The conversation also explores practical realities like rules around emotional connection, privacy, home logistics, jealousy, and sexual health.
Cheating is one of the most painful and confusing crises a couple can face. But suspicion and secrecy don’t always tell the whole story. In this episode of Modern Couples: What Your Therapist Never Told You, Rick and Lilian break down the real signs of cheating, why partners become suspicious even when no betrayal has happened, and how infidelity affects relationships far beyond the act itself.This conversation looks at cheating through a realistic clinical lens: what leads to it, how partners discover it, and what healing actually requires. Whether rebuilding trust or facing hard truths, couples have more options than they realize.
The holidays are supposed to bring joy, but for many couples, they bring tension instead. Deciding where to spend the holidays, whose traditions to follow, and how to manage family expectations can quickly turn into emotional minefields.In this episode of Modern Couples: What Your Therapist Never Told You, Rick and Lilian explore why holiday planning often sparks conflict, how family dynamics shape these decisions, and what couples can do to set boundaries, blend traditions, and actually enjoy the season.They also discuss tricky topics like divided families, politics at the dinner table, and the financial stress that can make the holidays feel more chaotic than cozy.
What really defines a toxic relationship?Is it the yelling, the control, the quiet dismissals, or the moments that leave you doubting your own reality? In this episode, therapists Rick Miller and Lillian Borges dig deep into one of the most difficult subjects for any couple: the fine line between normal relationship conflict and the kind of emotional damage that chips away at your sense of self.Rick and Lillian explore what “toxic” truly means, why some people can’t see their own harmful behavior, and how others end up shrinking themselves to survive in a painful dynamic. They unpack common patterns like gaslighting, power struggles, and codependence. There’s a world of difference between being human and being destructive, and recognizing that difference can be life-changing.Whether you’re questioning your own relationship or simply curious about how toxicity takes hold, this conversation will help you understand what’s healthy, what’s not, and how to begin reclaiming your well-being.Subscribe to Modern Couples: What Your Therapist Never Told You and keep exploring the deeper truths behind love, conflict, and connection.
Trust is one of the most complex foundations of any relationship — and few topics spark as much tension as snooping and location sharing. In this episode of Modern Couples: What Your Therapist Never Told You, Rick Miller and Lillian Borges unpack what’s really happening underneath these behaviors.They explore why so many partners resort to snooping instead of communicating, how gender roles and past relationship wounds shape trust, and why transparency can make or break emotional safety. Whether you’ve snooped, been snooped on, or just want to strengthen trust in your relationship, this episode is a candid conversation about the messy, very human side of modern love.
When you hear the term “ADHD,” what do you think about? Someone with a short attention span, who is forgetful, who can’t settle down? This neurological condition is difficult to live with—whether you’re the one experiencing it, or are in a relationship with someone who is. ADHD is like other disorders in that the resulting behavior, while frustrating, is never intentional, so both partners need to educate themselves about it and learn to manage the disorder together. Because it can result in some level of chaos in the household, as deadlines are missed, bills are unpaid, social obligations are ignored, it’s important to approach it in collaboration and devise a plan that will place guardrails around its worst consequences.Oh, and how ADHD manifests will be different for men and for women, so watch that; it’s easy to make assumptions about your partner based on how you perceive the problem.There are medications and cognitive-behavioral strategies that can help, and your therapist—you are seeing a therapist, right?—can help determine what treatment modalities arebest for you.
Who hasn’t at one time or another referred to someone else as a narcissist? But really, the clinical version of narcissism is relatively rare… which doesn’t mean that many people don’t have narcissistic traits! Some are healthy and related to self-worth, but others are harmful—and completely invisible to the person exhibiting them.If you’re in a relationship with a narcissist, you’re probably already struggling. Whether you stay in the relationship or leave depends on your circumstances; if you choose to stay, you will need to set consistent boundaries with them, but know you will never be able to “fix” who they are.What you can do: you might explore how and why you were attracted to your partner, and work with a therapist to discover the best way to move forward, regardless of whether or not you choose to stay in the relationship.
What goes unspoken when separate bedrooms become the norm? More couples are choosing to sleep in separate rooms, but what does that actually mean for their connection?In this episode, we explore the emotional and relational layers behind this growing trend. Is it a practical move toward better sleep, or a quiet signal of emotional withdrawal? The answer depends less on the arrangement itself and more on the communication surrounding it.
Do frequent fights mean you and your partner are incompatible? Could fights actually be part of how some couples stay connected? In this episode, therapists Rick Miller and Lillian Borges take a closer look at what conflict reveals about relationships. They explore why fighting isn’t always a red flag, how our upbringing and attachment styles shape the way we argue, and the difference between conflict that strengthens connection and patterns that erode trust. Along the way, they challenge the idea that compatibility is about avoiding arguments altogether and instead show how the willingness to repair, regulate emotions, and stay present makes all the difference.
Infidelity is one of the hottest of hot-button issues in relationships, and a never-ending source of judgment, recrimination, and pain.But where all that misses the mark is in that infidelity isn’tjust about sex, and there’s never just one side to the story. Andsurprisingly, some relationships do survive one or the other “cheating” on them. While that’s not always possible—unmet emotional and other needs can make ending the relationship the healthiest outcome for both partners—with some work, there can be healing and reconnection.“Some” work? No: a lot of work! It’s not enough toapologize and move on: partners have to work through the truth of what happened (truth, as opposed to painful details), and must be equally committed to the process.Perhaps unexpectedly, the new relationship forged through this process may look completely different from the original one: it’s a transformation brought about what the partners went through and what they’re willing to commit to in the future.
By now we’ve all had a chance to try ChatGPT. And it’s probable that the first few times you used it, you were amazed, right? But as time went by, you probably found it less and less enthralling. And that goes double, or maybe even triple, when you’re using it for relationship advice.So, yeah, trusting your relationship to a machine, no matter how quick and clever it might seem, may not be the best decision you’ve ever made. But let us tell you why…First of all, it’s not replacing your flesh-and-blood therapist anytime soon. For one thing, AI misses a lot.Secondly, the level of trust that builds between you and your therapist cannot be replaced by a machine. Therapists observe and accompany you (and your partner, if you’re in couples’ therapy) on a journey that isn’t on the AI menu.Does that mean that a chatbot isn’t helpful in therapy? AI is a tool that can aid your therapist, but a lot of its success remains with you.Chatbots can provide language and structure, but human skill, experience, and intuition are your therapist’s most useful tools for deep relational work.In other words, ask AI for help in scheduling, or computing, or in fast answers to obscure questions… but don’t place your lovely and fragile relationship in its hands!
Marriages work (or don’t work) in a number of different ways. Some couples enjoy frequent sex; others have less sexual activity, or none at all. Whatever they choose is right for them, as long as both partners are in agreement about the level of intimacy they give and receive.Problems arise when one partner wants more (or less) sexual intimacy than does the other. This can often manifest in thefeeling of being roommates rather than a couple. The partner who wishes for more intimacy can experience disconnection, rejection, and dissatisfaction, while the partner wanting less may be experiencing shame, discomfort, and pressure.The key to solving the “roommate” problem is communication. Both partners need to be clear and honest about their needs—and about why those needs are important. A willingness to be vulnerable and not rely on assumptions is critical. Sexual desire can wane for a number of different reasons: aging, childbirth, weight gain, life events, a lack of novelty, and more. Long-term sexual satisfaction often requires both emotional attunement and intentional efforts to keep engaged. Different couples have different ways of viewing sexual intimacy, which can be affected by their ages, genders, agreed upon relationship models, and more. As long as there is open communication and regular self-reflection, then a healthy relationship connection is possible.
Couples generally raise their voice when they are not being heard, understood, or when they're feeling desperate. Feeling that nobody is listening can make anybody want to yell! But there are better ways of making yourself heard, and Lilian and Rick want to share them with you today.
Our Children need to be allowed to simply be children, but we often put them in the middle of our relationship conflicts, creating a triangulation that's not healthy for anyone. Co-parenting effectively involves modeling loving, respectful intimacy for our kids. Let's talk about how you can do it!
Many couples choose to have separate residences for myriad of reasons: job requirements, school district preferences, even military postings. Making decisions together can be challenging when you're living apart. How do you keep it together? How do you define your own couplehood around residences, visits, children, and intimacy?
Who hasn't seen their partner rolling their eyes? Who hasn't done it themselves at times? So much is being said in this gesture, often underlining attitudes that make one or both partners feel unsafe in the relationship. What is encoded in nonverbal communication? Is this something you or your partner do routinely? What can replace it to make nonverbal communication work better?
Couples argue incessantly about who does (or doesn't do) what chore, when, and how, and resentment around these seemingly mundane tasks can build and become a symptom of deeper issues in the relationship. You don't have to keep doing this dance- Rick and Lilian will tell you how you can change your dynamics!
The prevalence of couples who meet on the internet is increasing, while the command of each other's language can be rudimentary, creating communication challenges. Do we use communication as a bridge_ or as a weapon? And is it a metaphor for speaking different languages in other, less obvious ways?
The way we handle money in relationships can be a metaphor for how we handle love. Do you keep your money jointly or separately? Do you argue over how to spend money? In this episode, Rick and Lilian talk about issues around control, intimacy, and safety around money.
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