The Calm Confidence Podcast

When we are socially anxious we become hyper aware of other people's feelings, and we make it our mission to ensure no one is ever upset with us. Reality check: You will upset people no matter how hard you try not to! I'm not saying we should intentionally try to hurt others but we must accept that we are flawed. We will make mistakes and hurt people. If we become too concerned with other's feelings we will always be anxious. In this episode I discuss how to become more self compassionate so you can allow yourself to make more mistakes so you are no longer controlled by your fear of not being perfect.Services and Website: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

The smallest interactions can consume us with anxiety. I know firsthand how a simple "hello" can turn the nervous system into hyperdrive. We assume the worst of people and the worst of ourselves. The truth is, most people want to talk to you. Most people will be pleasant, and the ones who aren't, aren't for us. In this episode I discuss how you can take a gradual approach to overcoming your fear of approach, and eventually how to turn absolute strangers in to conversation buddies.

Self Improvement has become as divided as American Politics. On one end we have people who believe we should accept ourselves no matter what. On the other end, we have people who believe you should essentially verbally abuse yourself into discipline. Neither of these strategies are actually effective. In this video I discuss how you can actually talk to yourself so you can build a healthy inner dialogue that will build confidence and keep you motivated, without hating yourself or thinking you're the best thing since sliced bread. FREE Confidence Manual: https://www.calm-confidence-coaching.com/s/The-Calm-Confidence-Manual-Google-Docs.pdfInterested in joining the virtual speaking lab? https://www.calm-confidence-coaching.com/#speaking-labPodcast, socials and services: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

Your social anxiety does not want to get better. It likes to feel safe and comfortable. Who can blame it, it's hard to challenge yourself when you are so overcome by fear. What we don't realize is that our anxiety can be very sneaky. It will subconsciously invent reasons why you shouldn't go out and talk to to people today. "It's too cold," "my car isn't working..." anything to stay inisde and away from people. The first step here is to acknowledge what is going on so we can stop sabotaging ourselves. Interested in joining the virtual speaking lab? https://www.calm-confidence-coaching.com/#speaking-labPodcast, socials and services: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

Sometimes the things we think are protecting us are acting the things that are hurting us, and that is the case for social anxiety. Beliefs like "but if i do that, it will be awkward," or "if I say that then they won't like me," feel like they are protecting us from shame and humiliation, when in reality they are keeping us stuck in our anxiety. Ultimately if we want to be free of social anxiety we need to embrace these painful emotions, not run from them. Interested in joining the virtual speaking lab? https://www.calm-confidence-coaching.com/#speaking-labPodcast, socials and services: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

The world doesn't appreciate quiet people. When introverts are young, they are more than happy being alone. But then the people start telling them that this is not acceptable. "Why are you so quiet?" "Why don't you talk?" "Don't you have anything to say?" After a while we start to internalize this. Is there something wrong with me? Am I weird for wanting to be alone. We start to become self conscious and doubt our own experience. We try to change to fit the world but it doesn't work. Now we feel pressure to be something we're not and we can't deliver. What if we went back to our roots? What if it was ok to be quiet? Maybe there isn't any pressure after all. Podcast, socials and services: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

In this episode I discuss social anxiety with Dr. Vincent Barbieri. Dr. Barbieri and I graduated from the same high school, but barely knew each other because we were both secretly struggling with social anxiety. In this episode we explore or individual experiences and what we've learned through life and through our work as practitioners. Dr. Vincent Barbieri believes that social anxiety never truly goes away, but we don't have to let it run our life anymore. By adjusting our expectations, challenging distorted beliefs and fulling embracing awkwardness, anxiety and vulnerability, we can find peace with ourselves and others.Dr. Barbieri has a PhD in Clinical Psychology from American University. He’s been practicing for 8 years in individual and couples therapy. During his PhD he studied borderline personality disorder and worked as a DBT therapist both doing individual and group therapy. He currently lives in San Diego where he works full time as a therapist at his own practice. He also a podcast called 2 Dudes Talkin’ Therapy with my colleague Dr. Jacob Ambrose. Dr. Barbieri's socials: YouTube: https://youtube.com/@talkintherapy?si=MygnVSu01Sp8TQsoSpotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/1sg57gFa1I34sO5FoXeZoU?si=bd6648440a694d6bTikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@psychdocphd4Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dr_vincent_barbieri_phd/?hl=enWebsite: https://www.vincentbarbieriphd.com/

"Fake it till you make it," they say, but does it actually work? Can you actually fake your confidence long enough that you will eventually feel it? Yes and no. Putting on a performance that doesn't feel genuine probably won't get you far. Sure you may be able to start getting used to the anxiety, but it's not you. If you have to pretend every interaction, what's the point? For many people, this strategy doesn't help acclimate them to the anxiety anyway. So what's the solution? First we have to figure out who we are? Who would we be if we were not anxious? How would we act, what would we say?If we can establish a sense of self that feels genuine, but perhaps we are just not comfortable sharing yet, now we have our north star. We can "act" the way that feels like us. The reality is, everything feels like an act when you are anxious because it feels uncomfortable. But we have to recognize that just because we feel uncomfortable does not mean we are being fake, it simply means we have social anxiety.Interested in checking out the podcast or joining my newsletter? Check out my linktree: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

Replaying social interaction and conversations is at the core of social anxiety. For many of us, the social situation itself is not the worst part of social anxiety, it's the agonizing pain of ruminating, criticizing and critiquing every aspect of what just happen. In this episode I explain the practical way to reverse your rumination so you can move on and live your life. Through a combination of mindfulness and useful and compassionate self talk, you can finally put your obsessive thoughts to rest.Interested in working with me?: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidenceSources:Donohue, H. E., Modini, M., & Abbott, M. J. (2024). Psychological interventions for pre-event and post-event rumination in social anxiety: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 102, 102823. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2023.102823Seinsche, R. J., et al. (2022). Social phobic beliefs mediate the relationship between post-event processing and social anxiety. Journal Name, Volume(Issue), page range. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8818836/Vassilopoulos, S. P., Brouzos, A., & Moberly, N. J. (2015). The relationships between metacognition, anticipatory processing, and social anxiety. Behaviour Change, 32(2), 114–126. https://doi.org/10.1017/bec.2015.4

Social anxiety makes everything harder, especially dating. When we are attracted to someone our anxious skyrockets and we become stumbling, bumbling fools. Fear of rejection and humiliation throw more wood on the fire, culminating in what feels like an impossible task to take on. In this video I will break down how you can and should approach dating if you have social anxiety. I'll cover the 3 main phases; finding a date, the date itself, and the worries that come after a date. Interested in checking out the podcast or joining my newsletter? Check out my linktree: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

Sorry it’s been a busy week and I haven’t had a chance to record a full episode. This is a short video I made a YouTube a few weeks ago that I forgot to download to the pod. Enjoy!Social anxiety can feel like a never ending loop that is impossible to escape. The shame we feel traps us. If we don’t act, we feel like cowards. If we do act, but it doesn’t go well, we feel embarrassed, which reconfirms our fears that we are unworthy. In this video I explore how you can finally start taking steps to a brighter future. Podcast/Instagram/TikTok/Coaching - Find all links in Linktree below:https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

When we are socially anxious for long enough, we start to become very cynical towards the world. We start to believe people are cruel and kindess is pointless. The more we withdraw, the more we believe people have nothing good to offer and we convince ourselves that we're better off being isolating and alone. But now we have become the very negativity that we say we hate. When we start to open back up to the world and share our kindness, we usually get it back in return. We start to realize there are decent people in the world and we start to look forward to meeting people again. Acts of kindness also help us get out of our head and back to connecting with our fellow human beings. So the next time you are feeling anxious, go out and do something kind for something. It's good for you and it's good for the world.Podcast/Newsletter/Services: https://linktr.ee/calmconfidenceSources:Alden, L. E., & Trew, J. L. (2013). Engaging in kind acts increases positive affect in socially anxious individuals. Motivation and Emotion, 37(6), 834-846Cregg, D. R., & Cheavens, J. S. (2023). Healing through helping: An experimental investigation of the effect of kindness on depression, anxiety, and social connection. The Journal of Positive Psychology. Advance online publication. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2022.2154695

This may be a difficult episode for some of you to hear, but you need to hear it. In this episode I explore how we allow social anxiety to sabotage our own progress and desire to change. Although not always conscious, sometimes we do this that don't help our social anxiety in the long run because of what we want to feel in the short term. I discuss primary and secondary gains, as well as the effect of resentment on our progress. Podcast/Instagram/TikTok/Coaching - Find all links in Linktree below:https://linktr.ee/calmconfidenceInterested in weekly tips to improve your confidence? Join my newsletter: https://subscribepage.io/pknKh0

For many of us, the scariest part of social anxiety is not simply talking to people, it is the fear that other people will soon find out just how anxious we are. This consumes us with embarrassment and shame, and causes us to try to hide our symptoms. We think hiding our symptoms will make us feel more confident but in reality it only makes us more self conscious and obsessed with our symptoms. In this video I explore how to turn this on it's head. Join the FREE Newsletter: https://subscribepage.io/pknKh0Podcast/Instagram/TikTok/Services - Find all links in Linktree below:https://linktr.ee/calmconfidenceSources:Leigh, E., Chiu, K., & Clark, D. M. (2021). Self-focused attention and safety behaviours maintain social anxiety in adolescents: An experimental study. PLOS ONE, 16(2), e0247703. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0247703Hofmann, S. G. (2007). Cognitive factors that maintain social anxiety disorder: A comprehensive model and its treatment implications. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy, 36(4), 193-209. https://doi.org/10.1080/16506070701421313

Here are 5 very practical ways to keep the conversation going when you don't know what to say. When we feel socially anxious we overcomplicate conversations. There is no deep or mysterious way to get a conversation off the ground, we just need to say SOMETHING! As the conversation progresses, we often find ourselves lost in our mind trying to come up with something to say, instead of simply allowing our brain to give us something to say. In this video I explain how you can vastly improve your conversation skills in just a few simple steps! #socialanxiety #socialskills #confidence Podcast/Instagram/TikTok/Coaching - Find all links in Linktree below:https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

Rejection stings, but it doesn't have to consume us. In this video I discuss how to overcome our fear of rejection and learn how to prevent the downward spiral that it often leads to. If you struggle with confidence or low self esteem, it can be quite common to be sensitive to rejection. This video will give you practical tools you can use to become more resilient to the pain of rejection. Podcast/Instagram/TikTok/Coaching - Find all links in Linktree below:https://linktr.ee/calmconfidenceSources:Baer, R. A., Smith, G. T., Hopkins, J., Krietemeyer, J., & Toney, L. (2006). Using self‐report assessment methods to explore facets of mindfulness. Assessment, 13(1), 27–45. https://doi.org/10.1177/1073191105283504Ghonchehpour, A., Forouzi, M. A., Dehghan, M., Ahmadi, A., Okou, G., & Tirgari, B. (2023). The effect of mindfulness-based stress reduction on rejection sensitivity and resilience in patients with thalassemia: A randomized controlled trial. BMC Psychiatry, 23(1), 281. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12888-023-04875-3Peters, J. R., Eisenlohr-Moul, T. A., & Smart, L. M. (2016). Dispositional mindfulness and rejection sensitivity: The critical role of non judgment. Personality and Individual Differences, 93, 125-129. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2015.06.029Troy, A. S., & Mauss, I. B. (2017). Cognitive reappraisal and acceptance: Effects on emotion, physiology, and perceived cognitive costs. Current Opinion in Psychology, 17, 1–6. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2017.06.006 (PMC 6188704)

Social anxiety can be a long battle, which is why you need patience and self compassion. Along the way will be struggles, embarrassing moments, uncomfortable feelings and failed social attempts. It can be very tempting to pack it in as soon as things get difficult, but like most things, real change comes with persistence. Podcast/Instagram/TikTok/Coaching - Find all links in Linktree below:https://linktr.ee/calmconfidenceSources:Moser, J. S., Dougherty, A., Mattson, W. I., Katz, B., Moran, T. P., Guevarra, D., Shablack, H., Ayduk, Ö., Jonides, J., Berman, M. G., & Kross, E. (2017). Third-person self-talk facilitates emotion regulation without engaging cognitive control: Converging evidence from ERP and fMRI. Scientific Reports, 7, Article 4519.Ayduk, Ö., Kross, E., & others. (2010). Implications of spontaneous self-distancing for adaptive self-reflection when facing negative events. Psychological Science, 21(8), 1166-1174.Libby, L. K., Eibach, R. P., & Gilovich, T. (2005). Here’s looking at me: The effect of memory perspective on assessments of personal change. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 88(1), 50-62.

This was another older video from Youtube that I never uploaded.I spent a large portion of my life attempting to extract respect and confidence from other people, only to realize this is a loop that never ends. We spend so much time focused on what other's think is acceptable, that we don't pause to ask ourselves what is meaningful to us. I someone out there find this helpful. Podcast/Instagram/TikTok/Coaching - Find all links in Linktree below:https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence

The worst part of social anxiety is not necessarily the symptoms, it's the how much it robs us of our life. In this video I discuss the effects social anxiety has on our dating life, relationships, work life and general satistfaction. Stick around to the end to find out how you can start turning this fear into motivation so you can finally take back your life. Interested in following me or booking a coaching session? Find all links in Linktree below:https://linktr.ee/calmconfidenceSources:https://clinical-practice-and-epidemiology-in-mental-health.com/VOLUME/17/PAGE/224/FULLTEXT/https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0887618515300414https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC7028452/https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6448478/

This is another older youtube video I never uploaded to the podcast.In this episode, I explore what I think is the biggest mistake people with social anxiety make; focusing too much on improving social skills. Sometimes our attempts to become better at socializing perpetuates our obsessiveness and constant self criticism. Instead, let's focus on the underlying fear of rejection and embarrassment. Can we accept that sometimes we will make mistakes and make a fool of ourselves?Interested in following me or booking a coaching session? Find all links in Linktree below:https://linktr.ee/calmconfidence