Building Confidence

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“If I can’t make you like me, I will die.”Extreme? Yes.But at its core, that’s what people-pleasing is.It’s a survival instinct. When we’re very young, we rely on our caregivers for safety and love. If that love feels conditional or unpredictable, we learn to adapt. We behave in ways that earn approval. We try to be agreeable, helpful, and easy to love.That strategy doesn’t disappear when we grow up. It becomes people-pleasing.At the root of people-pleasing is low self-esteem. We don’t like ourselves, so we look outward for proof that we are likeable, even loveable.For me, this began in childhood. My mother became depressed, and I took it as rejection. I believed I wasn’t clever. I didn’t feel truly loved. And slowly, I stopped liking myself.People-pleasing became my way of controlling how others felt about me.If they liked me, maybe I was worth something.If they approved of me, maybe I could approve of myself.Written down, the belief sounds irrational, but when it’s lived quietly and unconsciously, it feels very real.People-pleasing is rarely loud or obvious. Often it’s a subtle internal reflex that happens before we realise we’ve agreed to something. When we don’t like ourselves, we unconsciously outsource our worth to others. We let them decide whether we are enough.That’s what I was doing: handing over my self-respect and waiting for it to be returned.Over time, I came to see that trying to make people like me by being endlessly “nice” or always available wasn’t real connection. It didn’t create closeness or respect. In fact, it quietly taught people that my needs didn’t matter.What people-pleasing really looks likePeople-pleasing isn’t just saying yes when you want to say no. It often shows up as:* Agreeing too quickly.* Softening your truth so no one feels uncomfortable.* Over-explaining yourself.* Prioritising harmony over honesty.* Ignoring your own needs to avoid disappointment or tension.It’s important to say this clearly: people-pleasing is not a weakness. It evolved to keep you safe, but over time it can lead to resentment, anger, and emotional exhaustion.Kindness vs people-pleasingI’m often asked, “But what about kindness? Isn’t that the same thing?”No. True kindness has nothing to do with people-pleasing.Kindness comes from the heart. You do it because the act itself feels right. There’s no hidden expectation, no quiet tallying, and no need for validation in return.A simple way to tell the difference is to reflect on something you recently did for someone else:* Did it leave you feeling warm and content?* Or did you feel disappointed, resentful, or taken for granted?* Looking back, do you wish you’d said no?If resentment shows up, it’s often because something was given in the expectation of receiving something in return.For example, I often bake a cake for my elderly neighbours. They’re in their 80s, and the lady struggles with arthritis. Taking a cake to their door feels good to me, and I can see it matters to them, too. Sometimes the husband brings me vegetables he’s grown. I appreciate that, but I don’t expect it. It’s not a transaction.By contrast, when my sister moved closer to where I live, I made a significant effort to build a relationship, something we have never really had. I was hoping it would finally bring closeness and approval. I gave her lifts, help, and time, even when it didn’t feel right. Over time, I started to resent helping. That was my signal. I wasn’t being kind; I was abandoning myself.Why people-pleasing undermines confidenceWhen people-pleasing runs your life, self-respect quietly erodes. And when self-respect erodes, confidence follows.Confidence grows when the “yes” you say out loud matches the “yes” you feel inside, and when you live in line with your values rather than overriding yourself to keep the peace.Each time you ignore your own needs, a part of you notices.Over time, trust in yourself weakens. Not because you aren’t capable, but because you no longer feel fully on your own side.Boundaries are not wallsSetting boundaries doesn’t mean pushing people away or becoming cold or difficult. It means being intentional about what you agree to.A boundary is simply clarity about what you will and won’t do. When your values are clear, and your behaviour aligns with them, people learn how to treat you.Self-respect grows each time you pause to ask, “What do I genuinely want or need here?”From automatic yes to intentional responseLiving with intention means replacing reflexive agreement with conscious choice. That might sound like this:* “Let me think about that and get back to you.”* “That doesn’t work for me right now.”* “I’d like to help, but I can’t commit to that.”You don’t need perfect wording.You don’t need to justify yourself endlessly.You just need to stay true to yourself as you respond.Each time you do, your confidence grows.The boundary pauseThis week, notice moments when you feel pressured to say yes.Before responding:* Pause for one breath.* Check in with your body.* Ask yourself: If I responded honestly, what would I say?You don’t have to act on it immediately. Even noticing the difference between what you say and what you feel is a powerful step towards self-respect.ReflectionYou might like to reflect on one or two of these:* Where do I tend to people-please most?* What am I afraid might happen if I say no?* How does people-pleasing affect my energy and confidence?* What would a self-respecting response sound like?* How might my confidence change if I honoured my limits more often?If you liked this post, here is another about people-pleasing that I wrote last year:Self-Reflect. Why Are You Being So KindTell me, do you suffer from people-pleasing? It can be very difficult to shift. How do you manage it?Until next weekMuch loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

‘Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness.’That’s the expression, anyway.My mother used to say that a lot, even though she talked to herself all the time. I talk to myself, both in my head and out loud. It’s not madness; it can be very motivating and calming. But it can also be our worst critic.I have a habit of saying ‘That’s that done’ after each task, like a mental tick box. It wasn’t something I started on purpose. I like it, though, because it tells my brain I am moving forward and achieving things, small though they may be. That’s a good thing.When I started my confidence-healing journey, I realised that the way we talk to ourselves matters. It matters because it can affect our self-esteem. Our brain relies on what we tell it. If we repeat the same story over and over, our subconscious believes it must be true. Otherwise, why would we keep saying that?I used to tell myself I was not very clever. That has been my key limiting belief, the one that tells me I am not good enough. Of course, neither of these statements is a fact. They don’t even make sense when you write them out. I mean, good enough for who? Who decides that? Clever, measured against what standard?Which is why journaling is such a great practice, by the way. When you take a thought out of your head and put it on paper, it reads differently from how it sounded in your head.These days, I pay more attention to how I speak to myself and the words I use. The phrase ‘That’s that done’ has become a little mantra that confirms I am getting things done. Three words that have become very meaningful to my subconscious because I have repeated them so many times. I don’t know why I started saying it, but it has moved from being intentional to automatic.Yesterday, I caught myself telling someone I am the ‘queen of procrastination.’ Maybe I do procrastinate at times, but I am not the queen of it. These are the types of phrases we need to watch out for, because one of the most automatic reactions we have is how we speak to ourselves.And often, it happens so quickly that we don’t even realise it’s happening at all.The voice we listen to the mostWe can be our harshest critics at times. Those little remarks we make quietly like:* You are so clumsy, you break everything (when you have only broken one cup all year)* You never get anything right (when you make a small mistake)* You will never find a decent partner (when you finally decide to get rid of the latest loser)* Why are you even thinking about that? You know it won’t work out (when you haven’t even tried and have no proof it will fail)For many people, this voice isn’t loud or cruel. It’s subtle and familiar, almost like background noise.That’s why it has so much power.Your brain is wired to keep you safe. The problem is that its protections are often outdated. In ancient times, recognising danger and avoiding risk was vital. Now, those same “safety alarms” often manifest as harsh self-talk when you step outside your comfort zone. Much of what your critic says is learned.Later, as adults, those echoes mingle with criticism from bosses, colleagues, or even friends, and your brain stores them as “evidence” that you’re not capable. Then, every time you slip up, your critic retrieves the file and whispers: “See? I told you so.”Furthermore, society pressures us to appear perfect, perform flawlessly, and never fail. No wonder the inner critic is so loud.We can’t completely silence it, but we can change how we respond to it. That’s where the transformation begins.Believing the inner critic erodes confidenceWhen each mistake turns into a personal criticism, and every effort we make is met with judgment, self-esteem drops and self-confidence erodes. We become scared to try because if it goes wrong, we feel bad, and self-attack is guaranteed.Over time, this creates a lack of self-trust. You tell yourself you are not good enough without realising. You start to expect to be judged and criticised. So you hesitate, doubt yourself, and then hold back.Intentional self-talk is not positive thinkingLiving with intention doesn’t mean silencing the inner critic or replacing it with forced positivity. Intentional self-talk starts with awareness.It’s pausing to notice when the critic is speaking to you. Once you become aware of it, you have detached from it. The words lose their power. You realise they are just words, and most of the time they are exaggerated and untrue.Instead of reacting to the inner critic, you pause, just as I talked about in my post last week. Then you ask yourself three important questions:* Is this voice helping me right now?* Would I speak this way to someone I care about?* What would a kinder, steadier response sound like?This is responding in a way that builds growth rather than holding you back.Every time you notice the unkind thought, pause and ask these simple questions, you are sending a powerful message to your subconscious: I trust myself because I am human.You don’t need to fight with your inner critic or think you can override it with positivity. You just stop letting it speak unchecked.Reflection* When does my inner critic show up most strongly?* What tone does it use? Is it harsh, disappointed, or impatient?* What happens when I pause rather than believe it immediately?* How might my confidence change if my inner voice felt safer?Confidence Matters NewsI am thinking of holding a free workshop in February, and I would love to know what you would like me to cover. If you have any questions or need help, let me know.Have a great week.Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you Margaret Williams, MS, ACC, The One Minute Daily Boost, Bob Lewis, Kalpana Bhrara, Sambuca, and many others for tuning into my live video with Brandon Ellrich! Join me for my next live video in the app. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Leaving a toxic relationship can be extremely difficult, especially when you blame yourself. I do blame myself, and not just because my mother told me I had ‘made my bed, so now I had to lie in it.’ I accept that I am responsible for my life and the decisions I make. That’s what happens when you are an adult. You become responsible.So, I didn’t leave for a long time. Even then, my ex made the final decision. Not me. I lived on autopilot, robotic and unemotional, just to get through each day.Living on autopilot during times of stress is a way of coping with pressure. I numbed myself and made myself as small as possible. I became a little mouse, hiding in the corner.I am not a mouse anymore. I am a lioness. I intend to stay that way.Now I am strongEvery year, I feel myself getting stronger and more confident. Not in huge ways, but huge all the same. I am not going to leap out of a plane or climb El Capitan any time soon. Just in the way I live an intentional life.Now, another new year has begun. Not with a loud, dramatic flourish, but quietly, gently, one ordinary day at a time.And that’s often how confidence grows. It’s not always through big declarations or bold resolutions, but through small, conscious choices made in everyday moments.Life on autopilotMost of us live more of our lives on autopilot than we realise. We rush through our days, reacting rather than responding. We make quick decisions, jump to conclusions, and judge ourselves and others before we’ve paused to notice what’s happening.If you consider everything your brain has to do in a day (mind-blowing), you can see why it defaults to the familiar whenever possible.This isn’t a flaw. It’s human.Our brains are designed to save energy, protect us, and rely on what we already know works:* Taking the same route to work every day.* Shopping at the same supermarket, with the same shopping list.* Often taking the same holiday and even staying at the same hotel each year.* Buying clothes in a style you know suits you.* Eating at the same restaurant, even ordering the same meal.It’s simple, and there’s nothing wrong with keeping things the same. But it can become too routine and slip into boredom. We start to wonder where the excitement went. Autopilot keeps us moving, but it also keeps us repeating. Over time, something subtle happens. We start to feel less in charge of our lives. We also risk stripping the joy from living.How autopilot undermines confidenceTo be a master of self-confidence, you don’t need to be loud or fearless. At its core, confidence is self-trust.Our trust in ourselves grows when we see ourselves as noticing what is happening, pausing, and then choosing how to respond. There is a tiny gap between the moment you register an event and how you react to it. That gap is your chance to choose a response rather than react blindly.When we live on autopilot, that gap narrows and disappears. We react before we’ve even caught up with ourselves.Intention gives you the gap backLiving with intention doesn’t mean controlling life. It means bringing awareness back to the moment and allowing yourself to pause and respond rather than react.It means being curious about life, knowing your values, and setting boundaries to protect them.Each intentional choice, no matter how small, sends a powerful message to yourself:I am present. I am listening. I can be trusted with my own life.This is a quiet, consistent way to build strong self-confidence.The Intention PauseOnce a day, notice a moment when you would normally react automatically.This time, instead of doing what you always do, or choosing what you always choose, pause.Pause for one breath. Then ask yourself:What choice feels most aligned right now?Maybe you:* Don’t shout at your kids to be quiet.* Don’t get mad because someone cut you up in traffic.* Choose a different route to work.* Eat your lunch in a different place.* Have a black coffee instead of a latte.* Look at the clouds instead of your phone.* Call a friend instead of that brief text.* Go to a different restaurant, in a different part of town.That’s it. No pressure to get it “right”.Just the practice of noticing and choosing. Choosing to bring some intention back into your life. Noticing when you are mindlessly scrolling on your phone and asking yourself whether this is really the best use of your time.When you are reaching for a second helping of pudding and asking yourself if you are really that hungry.And if you are in a relationship that isn’t working, ask yourself whether this is really how you want your life to be. Like I should have done, but didn’t, for too long.Reflection* Where in my life do I tend to run on autopilot?* What do my automatic reactions protect me from?* How might confidence grow if I paused before responding?* What is one small choice I can make more intentionally this week? I would love to know how you are bringing more intention into your life. Hit reply or leave a comment.Much loveSue xx This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Thank you Kalpana Bhrara, The One Minute Daily Boost, Larry Bassett, Sydney S., Michelle Ray, and many others for tuning into my live video! Join me for my next live video in the app.Here is the link to the group coaching details I mentioned.https://suereid.gumroad.com/l/Unshakeable-Confidence-With-Sue This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

Christmas Day can be peaceful, busy, emotional, or all of these at once.So this isn’t a checklist to complete or perfect. It’s a gentle gesture. This is a list you can read in a few minutes, save, and revisit whenever you need a reminder of who you are and what truly sustains your confidence.You don’t need to do all of these. Just one at a time is enough.Confidence Matters by Sue Reid is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Your 25 gentle reminders* You don’t have to be perfect to deserve confidence.* Rest is not a reward; it is a necessity.* Confidence increases when you cease arguing with who you are.* You’re permitted to change your mind.* Small steps still help you progress.* Your feelings are information, not directives.* You don’t need to justify yourself to be considered valid.* Trust is built through action, not overthinking.* Saying no can be an act of self-respect.* You are allowed to take up space.* Confidence is subtler than you might believe.* Comparison diminishes when you return to yourself.* It’s safe to allow others to see the real you.* You don’t need to earn kindness, especially your own.* Courage often appears as gentleness rather than aggression.* You can move forward without having everything figured out.* Progress doesn’t require an audience.* Your worth does not fluctuate with your productivity.* It’s perfectly fine to ask for help.* Confidence increases when you honour your promises to yourself.* You are allowed to slow down.* Mistakes won’t erase your growth.* You do not need permission to live the life you want.* Being kind to yourself is a strength.* You already have more confidence than you realise.If 2026 asks anything from you, let it be this: stay true to yourself. Return to these reminders whenever doubt arises or confidence feels distant. You don’t need to push or prove; confidence develops quietly through kindness, honesty, and trust. You only need to make one gentle choice at a time.Here is a pdf you can download and keep handy for when you need a reminder.Enjoy the rest of the holiday season, and I wish you a very Happy New Year.Much loveSue xxConfidence Matters by Sue Reid is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit suereid.substack.com/subscribe