Dear Black Gay Men Podcast

Is Black queer culture suffering from a fetish for straightness? This episode of Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, we’re diving into a major cultural contradiction that has Atlanta—and the internet—in an uproar.The Julez Smith DebacleThe conversation started at Club Opium in Atlanta, where Julez Smith (Solange’s son) was booked to host an LGBTQ+ night. Despite being paid to host, Julez reportedly declined interviews with queer media and remained in the VIP section without mingling with the community.This sparked a heated debate: Why are we giving our hard-earned “gay dollars” to straight men who merely “tolerate” us for a check?. As I discussed in the episode, we often prioritize “straight-adjacent” celebrities while ignoring the queer icons and local creators who actually live our reality and advocate for our culture.The EJ Johnson ParadoxOn the other side of the spectrum, we have EJ Johnson. In a recent viral interview, EJ shared a vulnerable truth: they don’t go to gay clubs because the men they are attracted to—and who are attracted to them—aren’t typically in those spaces.It’s the ultimate irony. We chase straight-identifying men who don’t want to engage with us, yet we struggle to create space for gender-fluid icons like EJ who are openly navigating the “in-between”.Is Straightness the Blueprint?It’s time to stop treating straightness as the blueprint for desirability. From the Pride stages to the club VIP sections, queer people should be top billing in queer spaces. We have to hold promoters accountable and start giving “flowers” to the girls, the dolls, and the men in our own culture first.What do you think? Are we obsessed with straight men in the scene?Listen to the full episode of Dear Black Gay Men on YouTube or your favorite podcast platform for the deep dive!. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

Are you finding yourself frustrated by the current state of the dating pool, or are you one of the lucky ones thanking God every day that you’re out of it? On the latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, Jai the Gentleman dives deep into the “emotional ups and downs” of our journey to happiness, tackling everything from viral dating challenges to the latest legal headlines affecting our community.The Naquan Palmer Saga & TS Madison’s WordsThe episode features a critical update on the ongoing Naquan Palmer saga. Jai discusses the latest developments from the recent hearing regarding protective orders, a story that continues to evolve and spark intense conversation among Black gay men.Adding weight to the discussion are recent words from the legendary TS Madison herself. When Maddie speaks, the community listens, and her perspective on this saga provides a necessary lens through which we should view these public legal battles and the intentions behind them.Are Bottoms “The Drama” in Dating?Beyond the legal headlines, the conversation looks at the “Pop the Balloon” challenge, which sparked a heated debate: Are bottoms becoming too picky?. Jai observed that while many tops and versatile men are open to a “full spectrum” of partners, some bottoms seem to exclusively seek out “strict tops”.This led to a raw discussion about the “T” behind these preferences:* Femmephobia & Masculinity: Is the insistence on a “strict top” actually rooted in internalised femmephobia?* Position vs. Identity: Jai questions if sexual position should be an immediate dealbreaker on a first date.* The “Unhealed” Perspective: Some suggest that rigid boxes for partners often come from a place of past hurt rather than genuine preference.The Bottom LineWhether you have “sugar in your tank” or you’re the “Glock on the nightstand” type, Jai reminds us that at the end of the day, the most important question is: “Do you like me?”.Catch the full episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday at 9 p.m. Stay dope, stay honest, and keep loving Black gay men.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

In the latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, host Jai the Gentleman dives deep into the emotional ups and downs of our journey to happiness. This week’s conversation isn’t just about the “horror stories” we all face on dating apps; it’s a necessary look at how we treat one another in our pursuit of connection.Grindr and the “Ugly” FactorDoes Grindr make you feel ugly? Jai explores a viral conversation regarding young Black men feeling insecure on apps due to racial frameworks and non-accepting atmospheres. While Jai notes that his self-concept was confirmed before he hit the apps, he acknowledges that places like Atlanta bring unique challenges. From being told you’re “too dark” to being “too short,” the scrutiny within the Black gay scene can be intense.Building Real CommunityA major highlight of the episode is the discussion on community. Jai asks: Do Black queer people have a real community?. While we often align around sex and sexuality, Jai challenges us to find deeper connective values. Whether it’s sexual health, celebrating Black culture through music, or simply “shooting the s**t” three nights a week, building a space where we show how dope it is to love us is the ultimate goal.Redefining RolesThe episode also tackles the “straight top” phenomenon and bottom shaming. Jai pushes back against the idea that being a “top” means certain parts of your body are off-limits, calling out the insecurities often projected within our culture.Join the conversation live every Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday at 9 p.m. . It’s time to step out of our comfort zones and start digging for the “clearest water” in our dating pool.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

On the latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, host Jai the Gentleman dives deep into the complex world of mannerisms, gender roles, and the journey to happiness for Black gay men.Beyond the Binary: Embracing the “In-Between”The conversation kicks off with a viral question: Do you like the “in-between” guys? Jai explores the beauty of the “butch queen” and the “queen-queen,” highlighting that attraction often transcends simple labels. From the effortless style of Jeremy Pope to the bold energy of Ronnie Wilson, we’re hashing through what the internet gets wrong about how we carry ourselves.Rebellious SoftnessDrawing inspiration from actress Jameela Jamil, the episode tackles a provocative idea: the most “macho” men are often the most submissive to societal structures, while those in touch with their feminine side are truly rebellious. Jai shares a personal reflection on his own “emotionally aware” journey and the strength found in embracing sensitivity without fearing it.Stop Hijacking the LanguageFinally, Jai addresses a major pet peeve: the appropriation of ballroom and queer culture. Words like “slay,” “work,” and “clock it” have deep roots and specific meanings—they aren’t just TikTok trends for others to use incorrectly. It’s time to respect the culture that Black gay men built.Listen to the full episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast for a b******t-free step out of your comfort zone. Let’s celebrate how dope it is to be Black gay men who love Black gay men.Follow Jai the Gentleman on IG @jaithegentleman for more.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

In the latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, Jai the Gentleman dives deep into the “social currency” of our culture, questioning why so many of us feel the need to perform instead of just being.From the evolution of “twink to daddy” to the unwritten rules of sexual positions, this episode is a b******t-free look at the emotional ups and downs of our journey to happiness.The Cost of the “Mask”Jai reacts to a viral creator who claims the community only cares about you once you’re “successful or attractive”. We explore how presentation—our weight, our voice, and our “vibe”—dictates how we are received in the streets and in the sheets. Is your masculinity a natural expression, or is it just armor used to protect a fragile heart?Top, Bottom, or Just Performing?We’re breaking down the “YN” confusion. Jai keeps it 100 on the difference between being a top and simply “not bottoming”. If you have to put on a persona or lower your voice to feel dominant, is it a position or just a performance?Cultivating “Ride or Die” FriendshipsHow do we build community without “f*****g first”?. Jai shares a powerful tribute to his best friend illustrating how vulnerability and “Netflix and no chill” are the true foundations of a support system that lasts 16+ years.Choosing Black LoveDespite the failed attempts, we’re ending on a note of hope. We’re discussing why choosing a Black man—and choosing ourselves—remains the ultimate goal.Listen to the full episode now on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

In the latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, host Jai the Gentleman dives deep into the viral downfall of Naquan Palmer, known online as the “DL Whisperer”. Recently detained on felony charges of aggravated stalking, Palmer’s situation has sparked a massive conversation across the Black gay internet regarding harassment, sensationalism, and the treatment of our trans sisters.From “Protector” to PredatorSince 2022, Palmer built a following of over 240,000 by claiming to “expose” men on the down low. Positioning himself as a protector of Black women, he used stereotypes and body language analysis to label men as DL. However, guest Hope Giselle points out that this was often a “vehicle for bigotry” and “transmissia,” allowing people to express hatred toward trans women under the guise of protection.Why This Matters for Black Queer CultureThe episode explores how Palmer exploited a “chasm” in Black culture. As Black masculinity evolves—embracing everything from “Black boy joy” to painted nails—there is a pushback from those clinging to toxic, old-school tropes. Palmer capitalized on this fear, but his actions led to multiple protective orders from prominent figures like T.S. Madison and Dominique Morgan.How to Be a True AllyJai and Hope conclude with a powerful call to action for cisgender Black queer men. True allyship isn’t just a “vibe”—it’s a job.* Decenter Curiosity: Stop asking about surgical status or birth names.* Audit Your Content: Unfollow creators who build brands on “clocking” or doxing others.* Use Your Privilege: Disrupt the patriarchal systems that harm our trans brothers and sisters.As Hope eloquently put it, we are all on the same side. It’s time to stop pushing our sisters off the cliff and start turning around to face the real systems of oppression together.Want more deep dives into Black queer stories? Subscribe to the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

It’s another Wednesday on the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, and Jai the Gentleman is diving deep into the conversations we usually only have in the group chat. This week, we’re reacting to a powerhouse guest: the award-winning artist and activist Dominique Morgan on the Boy Please Whatever podcast.Who is Dominique Morgan?Dominique is a Nebraska native now living in Atlanta who has transformed the landscape for Black trans people in the U.S.. Jai highlights her unique ability to blend philanthropy, activism, and trans visibility with a refreshing, unapologetic authenticity.The Main Event: Trans Attraction and LabelsThe episode tackles the “reality checks” Dominique brought to the table regarding straight men who are attracted to trans women. Jai poses a controversial question to the community: Where do we place these men in the culture?.* Pansexual vs. Fluid: The chat weighed in on whether these men are “straight,” “pansexual” (hearts, not parts), or “sexually amorphous”.* Chasers vs. Attraction: Dominique breaks down the difference between a “Tranny Chaser” and genuine attraction, noting that chasers often fetishize parts rather than seeing the whole woman.Dating Apps & Safe SpacesJai sparks a necessary debate about digital spaces. If Grindr is for men seeking men, where is the dedicated space for trans women seeking men?. He emphasizes that while he respects trans women’s identities, as a gay man, his attraction remains focused on masculine-identified individuals.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.Is “The Girls” Offensive?The episode ends with a transparent moment of growth. A viewer challenged Jai on his use of the term “the girls” to describe his audience of Black gay men. While the live chat mostly embraced the term as “gay slang,” Jai committed to being more gender-inclusive to ensure all Black gay, bi, and curious men feel at home.Want more? Catch the full replay for our “That Queen Can’t Climb My Back” celebrity game and more “Love Lessons”. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

Are you still performing a version of yourself that doesn’t even exist anymore? In the latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, host Jai the Gentleman sits down with the “real-life Uncle Charlie,” Charlie Lewis Jr.. Inspired by his character in the Netflix series Forever, Charlie discusses his transformative new book, No Apologies: Love the Way You Live at Any Age.Outgrowing the “Gay Ghetto”Many of us find ourselves stuck in what Charlie calls the “gay ghetto”—surrounded only by people who share our same traumas and woundedness. While finding community is vital, Charlie argues that true intellectual wellness comes from curating a circle that challenges you to grow.Top signs you’ve outgrown a friendship include:* Malicious Jealousy: When a friend moves from “I wish I had that” to actively trying to take what is yours.* Stagnant Perspectives: When people from your past refuse to see your growth because they are stuck on who you used to be.* Lack of Understanding: When your “Bessie” can’t grasp your new life perspective or peace.The Power of ReparentingOne of the most moving segments of the episode explores the concept of reparenting yourself. Charlie challenges us to write a love letter to our younger selves—addressing the 8 or 10-year-old version of us that had to muster strength just to survive. By forgiving those who “did the best they could with what they had,” we release the anger that blocks our path to joy.Live Your Truth with No Apologies“Black Joy is the Resistance,” says Charlie. It is time to stop shrinking, stop “praying the gay away,” and start living selfishly for your own peace. Whether you are navigating your 20s or reclaiming your life in midlife, remember: God didn’t make junk.Ready to start your healing journey?* Watch the full episode on YouTube* Grab your copy of No Apologies by Charlie Lewis Jr. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

Chasing Dreams and Avoiding Drama: A Deep Dive for Black Gay MenWhat happens when the “black don’t crack” lifestyle meets the messy reality of professional and personal relationships? In this week’s episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, host Jai the Gentleman breaks down the latest tea and offers grounded advice for navigating our unique journeys to happiness.Professional Power Plays: The Justin Diego & Chasing Reality DramaThe episode kicks off with the piping hot tea involving Atlanta YouTuber Justin Diego of Bingeworthy. After signing on as a co-executive producer for the Chasing Atlanta reboot, Justin ultimately walked away, releasing a tell-all video titled “Chasing Atlanta Will Not Be Binge Worthy”.Jai discusses the “difficult and trying” nature of working within our community. He explores how unhealed trauma—from being bullied or cast aside—can lead some to violate their integrity just to hold onto a sliver of power. The takeaway? Success requires more than a title; it requires being likable and maintaining professional character.Love, Age Gaps, and Civic DutyThe conversation shifts to the personal, reviewing a viral story from Love Don’t Judge featuring Janelle (43) and Giles (24). With a 19-year age gap, the couple faces scrutiny from family and online trolls. Jai questions the mismatch in life experience, asking if a 24-year-old can truly receive everything a partner two decades their senior has to pour out.Jai also tackles a viewer’s question about dating and civic engagement. With high stakes in 2026, he outlines how to handle a partner who doesn’t vote:* Define non-negotiables: Is it a dealbreaker or a growth opportunity?* Understand their “Why”: Are they disillusioned or just unaware?* Share, don’t preach: Invite them into low-stakes community activities.Ready for the real tea? Join our YouTube membership for the exclusive after-show where Jai shares a very personal story about his first time bottoming in 10 years. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

Protecting Your Peace When Millions are on the LineWe talk a lot about protecting your peace in dating or family, but what about when your global brand is at stake? Karamo Brown recently made waves by pulling a “Mo’Nique” and sitting out press for the final season of Queer Eye.Karamo revealed he has felt mentally and emotionally abused on set for years, with his therapist advising him to stay home to avoid bullying by his own castmates. As the only Black face in an overwhelmingly white-adjacent space, Karamo’s stand highlights a trauma many of us know too well: the exhaustion of being the token Black gay guy.The Julian Taylor Controversy: Life After LossThe conversation shifted to the internet-famous Julian Taylor, formerly of a prominent throuple. Julian joined Lamont White on Shoot Your Shot Wednesday to discuss his journey back to dating after the tragic loss of his partner.Julian opened up about:* Healing through loss: How he’s mending his heart a year and a half later.* The Throuple Dynamic: Navigating a “closed throuple” and why that relationship eventually fell apart.* Accountability: His transparency about past mistakes, including cheating and the “shadow work” required to grow.Find Your SoftnessJai concludes with a powerful reminder for those seeking love in 2026: look for softness over status. Degrees and followers won’t hold you at night—find a man who is healed enough to be vulnerable.What’s your take? Could you thrive in a “closed throuple,” or is three a crowd for you?Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

In this episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, Jai the Gentleman is digging into a story that has completely taken over our timelines: the tragic passing and alleged identity erasure of Girl Lala.From Identity Erasure to “Robust Bottoms”Before getting into the heavy stuff, Jai highlights a new favorite creator, Denzel Kanan, who has been dropping gems about sexual dynamics from a “bottom’s perspective”. Whether it’s discussing aftercare or what it really means when someone says “put me through the mattress,” Jai explores how our bedroom behavior reflects our cultural treatment of one another.The Erasure of Girl LalaThe main event, however, is the devastating news surrounding Girl Lala, a prominent Black trans creator allegedly shot by her boyfriend. The real “fiasco” started after her death, as her father reportedly began using her massive platform to deadname and misgender her.Key takeaways from the discussion:* The Power of Tribe: Jai and T.S. Madison question where her “tribe” was during her abusive relationship.* Legal Protection: In queer culture, our “unofficial” family units often lack the paperwork (wills, trusts, power of attorney) needed to advocate for us when we’re gone.* The Mirror of Self-Respect: Jai poses a hard truth—the world reflects the respect we have for ourselves. If we don’t do the due diligence to respect our own identities legally and socially, we leave space for others to disrespect us.Don’t Get Memorialized in a LieDon’t let your truth be squandered. Whether it’s updating your living documents or building a solid support system, protect your legacy.Next Up: Join us Thursday at 9 p.m. Eastern as we talk to Nathan Hale Williams (producer of Dirty Laundry) about Black queer representation.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

In the latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, Ja9 the Gentleman dives deep into the conversation currently taking over the timeline: the IAmZoie situation. As videos resurface allegedly showing the prominent creator in inappropriate exchanges with underage men, our community is divided on what accountability actually looks like.Power, Clout, and the “Apology Tango”With over 6 million followers, Zoie is a massive figure in mainstream spaces, from Wild ‘N Out to global stages. But as a Black gay man, does he have a responsibility to the community that “held him up” before he crossed over?The chat didn’t hold back. Many listeners expressed that:* Forced accountability is problematic: True change should be proactive, not a reaction to public pressure once “the girls set your feet on fire”.* The Power Dynamics: Followers are currency. Powerful creators can manipulate those with less clout who are just “down for the come-up”.* Right is Right: Regardless of the year (2018) or the context, sexualizing minors is never a gray area.Are There Real Consequences?Jai questions if “Internet fame” is a shield. Even if Zoie loses half his followers, he still has more reach than most of his peers. Will he stay “booked and busy” while the community forgets in six months?What’s Coming Up Next?We aren’t stopping here. Make sure to tune in for our upcoming episodes:* Wednesday: Discussing the passing of Girl Lala and the social media backlash surrounding her memorial.* Thursday: A full-circle moment with producer Nathan Hale Williams (Dirty Laundry) and Marcus Wilson to discuss Black gay representation in media.Want more b******t-free talk? Join the DBGM family on Substack to join the private chat and get exclusive dating advice that helped Jai find love.Would you like me to draft a list of social media captions to help promote this blog post?Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

On this episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast where we dive into the explosive documentary, Sean Combs: The Reckoning. Join Jai the Gentleman as he unpacks the fall of a Black culture icon and asks the tough questions about integrity, business, and big visions.🚨 The Reckoning: What the Doc AllegesThe four-part Netflix series, executive produced by Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson and directed by Alexandria Stapleton, chronicles Diddy’s career from his start at Uptown Records through his recent legal troubles. Jai and the chat discuss the shocking allegations that Diddy was involved in:* The murders of Tupac and Biggie.* The death and tragedy that allegedly fueled his superstardom, including the nine lives lost at a celebrity basketball game he promoted.* The alleged sexual violation of countless women and men.💡 Big Visions vs. Bad BusinessThe conversation shifts from celebrity scandals to lessons for the community. Jai emphasizes the importance of integrity in Black gay business. Citing Diddy and others, he stresses that success must be built on honesty:* Pay people well and on time. Black businesses often struggle with poor practices, leading to talent leaving for better opportunities.* Maintain integrity and avoid blurred lines. Jai points out that issues of abuse of power can play out even in Black queer spaces.* Have a Big Vision! While Diddy and others were “fucked up how they pursued that vision,” they fundamentally aimed for something monumental, a mindset Jai encourages the Black gay community to adopt in business and in love.💬 Hookup Culture Hot TakeJai also sparks a viral debate on gay hookup protocol, asking: Should you log onto the apps after you’re fully prepped, or risk a wasted shower and a missed connection?Tune in for the full discussion on this monumental doc and what it teaches us about our culture, business practices, and relationships.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

Jai the Gentleman dives deep into some challenging and necessary conversations, navigating the complexities of race, sexuality, and community with his trademark blend of honesty and fire. The episode, titled “White People S**t,” centers on the realities faced by Black gay men today.The Comfort ConundrumThe show kicks off with a provocative question: Would you rather be the lone gay person in an all-Black hetero space (like a family Thanksgiving) or the lone Black face in an all-queer white space? The chat was split, leading to a crucial discussion about navigating predominantly straight Black environments versus predominately white queer ones. Jai shares how getting older gave him the confidence to stop shrinking and moving through life as a “one life gay” man—the same everywhere he goes.Conversion and Kink: The Race Play DebacleJai then shifts to reacting to a reel featuring a white gay man who claims, “Jesus is all the man I need” and “No, I will not date a boy,” framing it as a modernized version of conversion ideology. He connects this to the problematic idea that Black people have historically been told they are “not good enough” unless they change.The main story tackles the shocking case of “Big C,” a creator who built an OnlyFans empire on degrading Black and brown people through race play and racial slurs. Jai critiques insecure “doms” who confuse providing things with earning the right to lead, a flaw that leads to abuses of power, both in sexual scenes and real life.Catch the full episode for more on these essential discussions, World AIDS Day observations, and a fun list of things the gays do that straights “just can’t handle”.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

The latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast tackles a question burning up the timelines: Is the dating pool really trash, or are we, the daters, the drama? Host Jai the Gentleman dives deep into this topic, reacting to the recent vlog, “32 and Dating is Trash,” by vlogger DearDondre.Jai and the chat audience explored the complexities of finding love and happiness, especially as Black gay men. Dondre, whom Jai affirms as attractive and having the best of intentions, often struggles to navigate the dating scene, even in a city like Houston, which Jai calls “the Atlanta of the other side of the South”. Dondre’s story, including paying for a man to fly out to see him and his complicated on-again, off-again relationship with an ex, sparked a lively conversation.The community weighed in on the “three-strikes rule” for reaching out to someone you’re interested in, before calling it quits. Jai shared his own dating history, noting that sometimes the heart’s desire to be loved can “trump logic every single time”.Ultimately, Jai concluded that while every “pool has piss in it” (meaning the dating pool does have problems ), if you acknowledge you’re standing in the “pissy part” and don’t move, then you are the problem. The path to healthier dating involves confronting your own unhealed trauma.The underlying constant? We all just want to be loved.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

The drama surrounding Jess Hilarious’s controversial comments about who can have babies and her subsequent firing from the Ms. Pat Settles It show is the main event on the latest episode of the Dear Black Gay Men Podcast. Host Jai the Gentleman dives deep into the fallout, offering an unfiltered look at why Jess’s actions continue to generate massive backlash within the queer community.🛑 Why Jess Hilarious Can’t “Shut The F**k Up”Jess Hilarious first sparked controversy with her “who’s looking out for black women?” debacle , and then doubled down with the scientifically inaccurate “only women can have babies” message on The Breakfast Club. This led to her getting fired from The Ms. Pat Show, a conversation that was later discussed by Ms. Pat and the show’s queer creator, Jordan E. Cooper, on The Breakfast Club.Jai argues that Jess keeps putting her “foot in her mouth” because controversy is her “whole shtick,” even suggesting it’s the reason she keeps her job at The Breakfast Club.🏳️‍🌈 The Real Power in the RoomA central theme of the episode is the immense, often unseen, power of Black queer people in the entertainment industry. Jai emphasizes a critical truth: “The gays run s**t”.* If you offend all queer people with “dumb s**t,” you will get “booted”.* There’s always a queer person in charge, be it the producer, writer, publicist, or executive producer.* Jordan E. Cooper, the queer creator of The Ms. Pat Show and Ms. Pat Settles It, is a perfect example of this influence.Jai’s message is clear: You “never win when you’re on the wrong side of queer culture”. The vast majority of Black queer culture is “aligned against Jess Hilarious” for her repeated offenses. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

Jai the Gentleman, dive into some seriously taboo topics: the little lies we tell ourselves, the journey to happiness, and, of course, dating horror storie.This episode, we’re reacting to a harsh critique of gay culture that claims the Black gay community has turned “liberation into a members-only club”. The critique highlights exclusion based on masculinity, fitness, skin tone, and designer labels.Are We Really “Trash”?I challenge the idea that our culture is “trash.” While acknowledging that fatphobia, femmephobia, transphobia, and homophobia are real and exist even among queer people , I assert that if all you see is trash, you’re choosing to stay in the “trash part of the pool”.As Black gay men, we have the freedom to pick and choose the rules by which we govern ourselves. We are elite , we are culture, we are art, and we are magic. If we focus on the greatness, we will receive it back. You can always move to the “metaphorical suburbs of gay culture”.Dating, Intentions, and the Atlanta Check-InWe also break down a dating segment from Hopeless Romantic Society, which features what I call the “most Atlanta date” ever —complete with questions about credit score, homeownership, and health insurance tier.I discuss the importance of checking a man’s intention early in the relationship. Life speaks to you first in whispers, and we need to listen to those subtle signs, like a low integrity of word, instead of just waiting for huge red flags.Ultimately, the gworls just want to be loved, but love is hard when you’re carrying unresolved issues. When you find a Black man to love you, and your puzzle pieces fit, you can’t beat that.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

This episode of Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, host Jai the Gentleman tackles two sensitive but vital issues for the Black queer community: grieving a polarizing figure and the complicated discussion around trans identity.🕊️ Remembering Michael Hurd: Yes King, Pastor, and ManThe community lost Michael Hurd, also known as Love and Light TV or Yes King, who passed away suddenly at 47. Michael was a prominent Black gay man, a father, and an entrepreneur who sparked conversations about spirituality and sexuality, having transitioned from a pastor/prophet to an adult content creator.Reacting to Nico’s Aesthetics’ commentary, Jai addresses the disrespectful way many remembered Michael—by his viral catchphrases like “you digging in me”. Jai argues that while content creators must take responsibility for the brand they build (often highly sexualized), it does not excuse the public’s dehumanization of them in death. Michael Hurd was survived by his two people who he called husbands and his daughter, showing he was much more than his work.🏳️‍⚧️ Passability and the Non-Binary ConundrumThe episode begins with a spicy reaction to podcaster Cherry thee Boom, who suggested that trans people who are “in transition” should feel uncomfortable using public facilities, implying a distinction between being in transition and a “trans woman”.This launched a challenging conversation: How important is “passing” to us as external cisgender parties? While Jai acknowledges the importance of passability for safety reasons , he and the chat struggle to grasp the concept of non-binary identity, particularly when it feels like gendered behaviors are being ascribed to feelings (like dominance and submission).Ultimately, Jai concludes that while he will acknowledge and respect everyone’s pronouns, for true connection, there needs to be a deeper level of understanding beyond mere acceptance.Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

On this episode of Dear Black Gay Men Podcast, host Jai the Gentleman tackles two viral topics: the toxic truth about dating apps for Black gay men and the ever-controversial question of white presence in Black spaces.📱 Dating Apps: Good for What?We often say the dating pool is trash, but Jai argues we really mean the “app dating pool is trash”. Why is it such a struggle? The app landscape is split into three main groups:* People looking for genuine love.* People only looking to hook up.* The majority in the middle who are okay with either, leading to unclear or too many intentions that make the app experience feel terrible.As one creator highlighted, the apps are filled with questionable profiles—faceless pics and people who claim, “Nah, this is my only picture”. Jai and the chat agreed that the apps are good for getting sex, or perhaps a barber and weed when you’re out of town, but love is a tougher catch.🚪 White People in Black Queer Spaces: The Gatekeeping DebateThe second half of the show dives into the conversation from the Surface Level Podcast episode, “The Blue-Eyed Soul: Can white gay men truly belong in black queer spaces?”. Jai makes it clear that he’s “all for gatekeeping blackness and black spaces”, preferring to create spaces welcoming to specific people who “look and walk and talk” like him.The challenge is the concept of “belonging.” As one listener put it, “White gays don’t have culture or cultural awareness,” and they often show “entitlement” in Black spaces. For Jai, a Black space loses its vibe when whiteness is present, creating pressure to “code switch” and censor conversations.Ultimately, for many in the chat, the home, the studio, and the car are safe spaces where “whiteness is not welcome”.Are you tired of the app trash? Let us know: Are the dating apps yay or nay? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe

We’re diving deep into a topic that sparks major conversation in our community: masc for masc culture and the complexities of preference, identity, and stigma.Host Jai the Gentleman kicks off the episode by sharing his own preference for “girly boys” and feminine men, playfully stating, “nothing is too feminine for me”. He admits to being “the drama” for feeling that gay men who are “masculine all the time” are “fighting against something”. He’s clear that he loves men who express in every version of manliness, especially those who have a “yes b***h” in them.The conversation then heats up as Jai reacts to a creator who explains why he doesn’t date “girly boys”. This leads to an intense chat about:* Masculinity and its Evolution: Jai argues that the definition of masculinity differs across generations.* The “Masc for Masc” Debate: Discussion around whether liking masculinity assumes one is masculine, and the attraction of feminine men to “trade” or DL (Down Low) men.* Stigma and Privilege: The argument of whether advocating for the masculine is necessary, given the social privilege associated with masculine presentation, versus the stigma and femme phobia experienced by feminine and trans men.Callers and commenters share their perspectives, touching on the idea of masc shaming, the need to affirm all Black queer men, and the importance of supporting “strong friends” who present as masculine but may be struggling. Ultimately, the episode underscores the beauty and complexity of Black gay identity and expression, reminding us all that every story “makes mine valid”.Tune in to hear the full, raw conversation! Don’t forget, a portion of your Super Chats and memberships goes to worthy causes helping black queer people.Would you like me to find out more about any of the upcoming shows mentioned, such as the conversation about raw sex on November 19th?Dear Black Gay Men’s Substack is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit dearblackgaymen.substack.com/subscribe