Are Both True?

hey you great big snufalufs! i wrote this essay a couple years ago. here it is again, now with AUDIO of my reading it which you can listen to. I did it all in one take and may have gotten very emotional at the end of it so if you wanna listen to that, have at it. if you want to cowrite with other weirdos for accountability, camaraderie and all around good time cheer, there are BATWRITEs today at 330pm est (starting 30 min earlier than originally planned) and Thursday at 10am est. Would love to see you there obviously. Sign up here. k here it is ya f*lthy an*mals: My parents call a lot. And I don’t mean that they call every day, though they do that too. I mean that they call, and if I don’t answer, they call again…and again…and then also again. At some point between the calls, which can be spaced out by moments or hours depending on the markets, my dad’ll hit me with a text that reads: ?By which I think he means ‘hey just called you’ but reads more like every millennials second worst text-message nightmare right behind the kiss of death itself, “ok.”Which, for the record, my dad also employs liberally throughout our SMS communiques. Twenty minutes and at least one more missed call later, another text:?????And then, just in case I'd set up a “don’t let any texts through unless they have a minimum of ten question marks in them” filter, a third message: ????????????????????Being reasonable people, my parents will then make sure to wait at least one USA-length minute before switching into Operation Code Red and text my wife Lauren with a simple and friendly:Hi Lauren. How are you guys?Which, in Dobrenkese, means “Hi Lauren we can’t reach Alex are you and him both alive plz confirm.”Lauren will respond with something like:Hi yes everything’s good.Which translates in Laurenese to “I’ll tell Alex to call you.” She’ll look up and see me a few feet away, lying down on the rug with our two year old son Wilder playing a really simple game called “all the tiny animals dive off the the firetruck ladder into the pool that’s also a bowl with almonds, then all the animals take naps (he and I nap too) until he screams WAKE UP and we all wake up and do it all over again.” And yes, my phone will be right there next to me BUT in my defense: 1) it’s face down and 2) I have all sounds and notifications turned off because I’m a dopamine-addled rat whose low self-esteem fails to find validation in the slot-machine reward system of the so called “smart phone” even though really I’ve never seen the thing do anything all that smart like meditate or find a mentor or invest in an IRA. “Al, call your parents,” Lauren will say and I’ll pick up my phone, see ‘Missed Call - Dad Cell (7)’ along with this question mark mountain - ?????????????????????????? — and tell Lauren to play the almond bowl pool nap game so I can call my dad back. He and my mom answer together with a harried hello. “Hi?” I say back, readying myself for this being about nothing serious whatsoever since I know they do this all the time. ""We tried calling you a bunch," they say as if it’s new information."I know I saw. I was away from my phone. What's up?""Nothing," they respond, casual as a Friday. "Is everything okay?""No, everything is not okay," I say."What?" they ask, in that vindicated, of-course-it's-not-ok-this-is-why-we-call kind of way.What's not ok, dear mama, dear papa, is you being one step away from filing a missing persons report every time I'm away from my phone for longer than 92 minutes aka the runtime of the classic film Home Alone. At least gimme the Godfather-length benefit of the doubt -- two hours, 55 minutes - that’s all I ask! This whole dog and pony show happens a lot, and ya know what, I do not like it. I don’t like the second-hand panic, the first-hand guilt of not being a good enough son, and I certainly do not like how my subconscious interprets the calls, i.e. ‘we don’t trust that you can exist out in the world without dying so we need to call often to ensure that you haven’t, ya know, died. Oh you’re alive, good…how’s the weather it’s really hot here.’ Trying to change them is futile. Whenever I explain how their behavior is likely grounds for some sort of ‘adult child of stalker parents’ restraining order, they clap back with the ultimate parental mortal kombat finishing move — "you'll understand when you have kids." Except it didn’t work. We had a son and he’s two now and still I don’t understand not even a little. "You'll understand when you have grandkids," my dad then says and ya know what, you gotta hand it to him – if nothing else, even when paranoid and insane, the man is funny. See also: the brashness of the ten question marks, at once both a meta-commentary the inadequacy of technology-mediated communication AND a perfect encapsulation of the abject fear he must have been feeling at that moment. A Mozart of his day. Our day. A Mozart of our day. Point is – the whole thing is absurd and infuriating and I won’t ever be that way with Wilder or his kids or anyone. No way, never, get real. Dream on. Good luck cashing that ticket because no. Not gonna happen. Not me. I’m different and mature. The buck stops here. The buck stopped. The buck shan’t move again. Don’t even think about it because no. A couple weeks ago It’s 410pm and I’m on the stationary bike in our dedicated workout room / lauren’s piano room / lauren’s office / our bedroom. I’m watching the HBO show Barry on the iPad — Season 4, mid-season — and I’m cruising. Lauren went to go pick up Wilder from daycare and is taking him to a playground until 5pm when my shift as Primary Caretaker will begin. Life is good. I text her to see how it’s going and get back to my riding. Barry is getting intense, the show just did a — spoiler alert I guess? idk why this is my responsibility but whatever — big time jump into the future and now Barry has an eight year old kid with Sally. They live in the middle of nowhere in a giant field and he’s teaching her how to use a gun because he has to leave for LA for a classic one last job kill someone situation.I check my phone again and see that Lauren hasn’t responded. Weird but no big. I text again.Five minutes later, really going fast on the bike now, I check again no response weird but sorta big actually as I realize I haven’t heard from her since picking up Wilder hmmmm oh wait I know I’ll just check her location which, as married people, we’ve set to share with one another FOR LIFE (its in the vows). Her little LW icon pops up on the map and it’s…at our house? I scan the entire house, visible from my perch on the bike, but do not find her. Wait, the map says "Location last shared 5 hours ago” which is wrong because I saw her like an hour ago? No big deal. I'll call her. I'll say hello and then i can rewind Barry because I'm missing some pretty violent s**t on there right now is there an intruder in their house dressed in all black skin suit covering his face and body and my call goes straight to voicemail?That lady who does the auto voicemail message starts her whole ‘the person you are trying to reach’ s**t as I try to think this through: why wouldn't she answer the texts why is the phone off she always keeps her phone charged why isn't her location updating did somethign happen somethign happened is she okay is Wilder okay? beeeepI hang up before leaving a voicemail, not wanting to be desperate or crazy because obviously I’m not. Hang up, call again. STRAIGHT TO VM. S**t where did she say they were going which playground not the one by the house because they drove –beeeepHang up, call again. STRAIGHT TO VM. If the phone was charged and now its off that means she either turned it off which never happens Hang up, call again. STRAIGHT TO VM. or what else there's no other options besides a car crash holy s**t they got into a car crash and the phone got wrecked and now its off and It isn't updating location oh f**kHang up, call again. STRAIGHT TO VM. Hang up, call again. STRAIGHT TO VM. Hang up, call again. STRAIGHT TO VM. Hang up, call again. STRAIGHT TO VM. Hang up, call again. STRAIGHT TO VM. F**K.I turn up the difficulty on the bike because pain is gain so I’m pushing harder and can’t really breathe, sweat pooling on my chin before dropping onto the hardwood floor in little puddles of mess. The intruder in Barry just crashed into the house with his truck what the f**k I need to rewind but first I try to text and I can’t because of all the sweat all the words are garbled so I just sent it with typos: “Bheyeyri aerate you oukjjjy” Ok just calm down Alex everything is fine send another text “sorryy just havnt heard from you lemme know you’re okaaaay” what time is it 425 okay good what time were they supposed to be back 5 yes ok 5 that’s in no timeWhich is how everything feels right now like there is no time because they really can’t be dead I really can’t live without them like actually no joke what the f**k I keep refreshing Lauren's location but there's nothing just the same b******t from 5 hours ago that says she's here in the house which is where I would really love for her to be thanks a lot Apple dipshit f*****g surveillance state phone its because we know too much that we fear too much cavemen didn't have geolocation and they turned out okI imagine in vivid detail how my life will look now that I’m all alone like a Hallmark movie where the dad is left all alone home alone broken all the time shell of their former selves and everyone else tries to help but they can't so I imagine the drugs I'd start taking and wonder if I'd be strong enough to not take them but who are we kidding of course I'd take them maybe I find some now just to –Straight to VMI picture his little squish of a face and something breaks or cracks or jostles in my already fragile psyche and I start to ugly cry like whatever you imagine a man passionately sobbing and shaking with rage looks like, I’m doing the opposite, weak and small and terrified because

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit botharetrue.substack.comHi and hello!! today’s batwrite is going to be so fun you may pee your pants. It’s a cowriting session, silly! I’ll see you there. link is below the “fold” lol like this is a newspaper or something

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit botharetrue.substack.comBefore I get into the video, first off THANK YOU to all of the amazing people who have joined the BATCAVE!!! Seeing actual people, a lot of whom I know and admire and respect, joining this little community and saying kind things like: Well that melts me faster than chocolate on smores night. If you’re interested in joining the BATCAVE, click here. Wait,…

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Thank you Caroline Cala Donofrio, Mike Sowden, Amy Gabrielle, Lyle McKeany, Sanjiv Bhattacharya, and many others for tuning into my live video with TheTweetOfGod! Join me for my next live video in the app. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit botharetrue.substack.com/subscribe

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit botharetrue.substack.com/subscribe

If this ain’t an ad for Sublime , idk what is. www.sublime.appa website that works This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit botharetrue.substack.com/subscribe

Rae Katx and I talk every Friday.We say it’s to give writing feedback but it’s mostly just an excuse to hang and catch up.Interesting, how connecting with one of your best friends at such a frequency only seems possible — allowed, even — under the auspices of ‘work.’This fact seems somehow a perfect segue to the conversation we had last week.To jump straight in and listen to the audio or watch on video, click here.When overachievers have kidsWe decided to record this convo after Rae’s feedback on an early draft of my essay My son, the two year old soccer prodigy, which boiled down to ‘Alex, you know that not every parent is this competitive about their kid.’No I did not know that. I’m still not sure I do. In this convo we discuss that feedback and:* how we each deal with the feeling of wanting your kid to the best one.* or, even worse, knowing that your kid is the best at literally whatever activity they are doing and being frustrated that neither the kid nor anyone else is able to see it.* how all of this will only get harder as our two-year-old kids…get older.* the absurd need to always apologize for your kid when they do anything ‘wrong’ in publicAnd I even try to connect ideas from Finite and Infinite Games into the world of parenting!A lil backgroundWe’ve been friends for fifteen years, bonded by a ridiculous long-standing joke, a niche type of OCD (fun!), and a shared interest in cutting to the core of big questions. This longstanding connection is particularly special to us because of our radically different styles, which are on display in our respective newsletters Inner Workingsand .Important service announcementI strongly recommend and in fact urge you all to subscribe to Rae’s newsletter . Her ability to weave the visceral feelings of personal experience with thoughtful, scientific analysis leaves me feeling whole, like my heart and brain just hugged and said "this is all insane but at least we've got each other.Here’s a quick overview:On mysterious women's diseases, work culture, mothering, and the struggle to stop yearning for wealth and power. Honest, unflinching essays and interviews from a chronically ill, ex-startup CEO searching for redemption.”So go subscribe and come back here and listen to the audio ok? Ok. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit botharetrue.substack.com/subscribe

Hello, how are you and, if I may be so bold — what’s this? We’ve got BREAKING NEWS that former Radioshack employee and current media mogul Alex Dobrenko has just dropped a public episode of his new podcast Are Both True? onto the internet.*puts finger up to ear and listens really close* Yes, I am being told that the audio has been sent directly to us at Both Are True (no affiliation) with a little note that says “play this on the air.”Well now THIS is something new, isn’t it Ron?Ron: Now that’s the understatement of the year Suzy. Won’t be needing my second cup of coffee this morning after this absolutely electric bit of news!!Suzy: Ok folks, well here’s the audio have a listen and enjoy. CUTSuzy: What the f**k Ron?Ron: What? Suzy: Stop talking about coffee on the air. Ron: What?Suzy: Every day you bring coffee into the segment and then promote Ron’s Robes and Roasters -Ron: “The only place you can buy a hot cup of joe AND the robe to go with it.” Suzy: " - and the robe to go with it.”Ron: It’s a great tagline. Suzy: No one wants to buy robes and coffee together Ron. Ron: *stares dead into the camera* Not with that attitude.I’ll be doing most of these audio podcasts behind the paywall, so if you’d like to listen to them all AND read all the essays, participate in all the comment sections for paid subscribers, and tell your friends that you’re supporting a frankly unwell writer named Alex Dobrenko, become a paid subscriber TODAY:Comments * What do you think?* What do you feel?* Fav joke on the podcast today?* Any topics you’d like me to discuss on future episodes of the podcast?* * * Is Ron’s Robes and Roasters a hit or a mega hit? This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit botharetrue.substack.com/subscribe

This is a free preview of a paid episode. To hear more, visit botharetrue.substack.comAs you all know, I have been recording silly little audios of BTS for Season One of BAT. Well, the other day ONE single BATfan told me she didn’t love listening to it via her email. It stressed her out. And since I am really good at reading the room and making sound judgements based on a lot of different opinions, I decided i’ll MAKE IT A PODCAST. So he…